How do you keep things fair among your children?

[mommyoffive]

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?  

 

Do you have set budget per kid?  Whatever amount divided by kids?

 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports?

 

Do older kids have to pay?

 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not? 

 

How do you work it?

[regentrude]

"Fair" is: we try to give both kids an education according to their needs, as far as financially feasible for us.

 

I do not even out expenses between kids; they have different interests and educational needs, and at different times a different kid had higher expenses than the other.

My kids do not have to pay for their own classes.

[LisaKinVA]

Elementary is so much less expensive than high school...and the stakes are much higher for high school as well.

 

So, priorities are based upon greatest need.

 

#1 -- High School Books/materials are first -- that doesn't mean I get brand new, most expensive.  #1 is math, #2 would be science text/lab materials, #3 is English/History, #4 everything else.

#2 -- Special materials needed any other grade (Abeka grammar work books or CLE work books, Phonics workbooks, math materials (I actually have most everything through precalc now, though).

#3 -- New/replacement materials based on individual child's needs.

#4 -- Everything else.

[maize]

I agree with regentrude--I aim for the best education and opportunities I am able to provide for each child, within the limitations of our budget and other resources (time, availability, etc.)

 

I have six children, I have never considered trying to keep things financially equal--each child is an individual with individual needs.

 

No I would not spend more money on one child just because they show more promise or natural talent. A child who progresses quickly in an activity is however likely to end up with higher expenses because most things are more expensive at higher levels (i.e., two of my children started dance classes at the same time. One is now in much higher level classes and so her expenses are higher, the other is still in beginning level classes.)

 

I try hard to give each child opportunities to find areas of interest and passion, it is a difficult juggling act with a large family.

Edited July 24, 2016 by maize

[Miss Peregrine]

No time for that. I've watched one of my siblings scramble and juggle constantly because the kids are always worried about "fair."

 

No, thanks.

[Carrie12345]

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?  

 

Do you have set budget per kid?  Whatever amount divided by kids?

 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports?

 

Do older kids have to pay?

 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not? 

 

How do you work it?

 

There is no way I'd ever want to spend as much on my 1st grader as I am on my 9th grader! That would be ridiculous.  My 1st grader will be a 9th grader one day, and that's when he'll get a 9th grade education and experiences.

 

My kids do not pay for their educations.

[Barb_]

"Children don't want to be treated as equals; they want to be treated as individuals."

 

-Siblings Without Rivalry

[PinkTulip]

I always tell my kids that what is fair is not necessarily equal. Due to differences in ages and stages, fair may cost more or less for each individual child. Their needs may be met equally, but the cost can be vastly different.

[mommyoffive]

Sorry I wasn't meaning educational classes in the sense of math or science. 

 

More about sports, dance, things like that.

 

 

 

It sounds like my thoughts are along the lines of most people.   

[SparklyUnicorn]

I haven't had to really try to.  I have one kid who likes doing a lot of outside stuff and one who does not care about any of it. So one does more than the other, but that has been their choice.

 

Ultimately, stuff has to be fair to me.  I generally won't drive super far for ongoing activities and I don't want something every single day.  I don't think either of those things is necessary. 

 

 

[LisaKinVA]

Each child has 2 activities...swimming and scouts.  We spend a roughly equal amount of time supporting each activity with time and money.  The older/more advanced kids spend more time at the pool, and I make sure they get there, because they need more practice.  They have more gear, more swimsuits and nicer swim bag (because they have more stuff to lug), because of the level they are swimming.  Suits and goggles don't last as long spending 2 hrs 5-8x  (10-16 hours) a week.  They have tech suits for championship meets (where you're fighting for tenths to make cuts), that the younger kids don't need.  The younger kids spend 4-8 hours a week in the pool total.  They aren't at the point they need things like Tempo Trainers or snorkels.

[Carrie12345]

Sorry I wasn't meaning educational classes in the sense of math or science. 

 

More about sports, dance, things like that.

 

 

 

It sounds like my thoughts are along the lines of most people.   

 

It's still not a thought that's ever really crossed my mind in terms of divided dollars and cents.  I'm not going to look for extra ways to spend money on other kids because one wants to take archery lessons.  Or buy everyone new cleats just because one kid outgrew theirs.

 

We have one activity where the cost is reduced for each subsequent sibling, and actually winds up free for one of them.  There's another where the first two are full price, and everyone in the family is free after that.  I have no desire to sit down and work that math in the name of keeping equal.

[regentrude]

Sorry I wasn't meaning educational classes in the sense of math or science. 

 

More about sports, dance, things like that.

 

That would not change my answer; it applies equally to music and sports: different kids have different educational needs at different times, and I spend accordingly.

 

For years while I was spending a lot of money on DD's horseback riding lessons, lease for a horse, show fees, DS had no outside activities in which he wanted to participate. It never occurred to me to be concerned about spending equal amounts. Once DS discovered the sport of his passion, fees increased quickly for that, while DD's riding slowly came to a stop. 

 

I also do not plan to spend equal amounts on the kids' college education. Each will received funding for their undergraduate - that's the "fair" part. in absolute dollars, this may be quite different.

Edited July 24, 2016 by regentrude

[Tita Gidge]

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?  

 

Do you have set budget per kid?  Whatever amount divided by kids?

 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports?

 

Do older kids have to pay?

 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not? 

 

How do you work it?

 

I don't have a set budget for kid, but I have a general idea in mind of what I'm willing to spend individually. This number changes from year to year, depending upon the kid (and his grades, his chores, his level of involvement in said class/sport). 

 

I am not willing to participate in the "competitive" level pay-to-play scheme. I will fund the first year of any "competitive" sport they wish to play, but after that it's up to them to earn their way, whether it's by playing hard and well enough to earn a scholarship, or to work and pay their own cash money. Effort matters; if they come close and have worked hard to earn their sport but are still short financially, I will front them the money and allow them to re-pay it over the year. It's almost all in hard labor, versus cash. That's win-win for all of us, though!

 

I spend less on the older kids because I feel like they're more able to contribute to their own activities, be it through scholarship or earnings. My contribution is time (driving) and related expenses (car, insurance, gas, once they drive themselves) and background support for the team (manager, tournaments, etc.)

 

I don't know how I'd handle the issues of one child showing more promise. One son hopes to make the men's national team in the same sport his older brother played (he's skilled but not talented; was offered a D2 scholarship).  The older brother had to fund his own youth club fees and opted to play intramural in college; the younger child was good enough that his youth club waived all fees. He then moved to the national junior team which is 100% free - so paying more for promise wasn't an issue, the promise paid for itself.

 

My youngest loves a particular sport, but she's not particularly talented. She plays at an average level but still has fun. She won't be moving up to the competitive level, probably ever - by her choice (and my unspoken preference). But she NEEDS the physical and social outlet that her sport provides her. So even though she shows no true promise and has no genuine desire to be a super athlete, I'll always find a way (and perhaps even prioritize) to fund her sport. I think it's important to look at EVERYTHING a child gets out of an activity, and that emotional/social/mental outlets are as valid as developing athletic skills.

 

Short answer, I just play it by ear. :lol:

[mamiof5]

We honestly don't put much thought into it. We try our best to cater to their interests, try to match that with what we can afford, and that's it. No budget per child, and no, they don't pay for their classes.

[Arcadia]

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not?

For us, it is the other way round. The kid that needs more help in his interest area is the one we are willing to pay more.

 

For us, we choose based on best fit. Since we have only two kids, we could still afford it financially. DS11's cello is going to be more than DS10's flute. That is impossible to even.

 

If it is something we can't afford for both but can afford for one, like summer camps, then both don't go.

[lllll]

nm

Edited August 7, 2016 by ~ d9n

[AK_Mom4]

We never did "Fair"

 

As things came along, if they made sense for time and money, we did them. If something didn't make sense to do, we didn't. So yeah, youngest DD had to sit and wait for years at the older kids activities. Now she's the one getting to do fun stuff that costs money as she's the last one left.

 

It all works out in the end. Do what is reasonable for your family.

[marbel]

Like others, we have never tried to keep it fair.

 

Example:  one year both kids went Scout camp.  His was about $150, hers was $350.   We wanted them to go to camp so we paid what each camp cost.  The one who went to cheaper camp didn't think we owed him $200.   The one who went to the more expensive camp did sort of "apologize" but hey, GSA camps cost more.  It's not like we could send her to Boy Scout camp with her brother.   We have never had any problems.

 

Well, one weird thing happened once.  My son went on a youth missions trip, and his grandparents contributed some money for it.  But then they sent our daughter the same amount of money, even though she wasn't going anywhere.   WTH?  It was so weird and she felt really uncomfortable about it.  Anyway, she put the money in her bank account and didn't ask them for any funds when she was getting ready for her own trip this year.  She figured they already gave her some.  But that was a weird grandparent thing and not a problem among siblings.

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

Honestly, it never works out "fair" if you are counting monetarily.  Each kid's needs are different, and different costs will incur.  This goes beyond school.  Life just isn't fair, and things never work out evenly.  I do try to avoid gross imbalances in making sure each kid's needs are being met in the most efficient way possible.  For school, I've never kept up with how much I spent on each kid.  I just had a "school" budget, and spent whatever portion of it that I needed to.

[bettyandbob]

Fair is not same. This is especially true when looking at dollar amounts. That is not to say it is ok the give Susie a horse and hours if equestrian training because she likes it while telling Steven he can only do rec league soccer one season a year.

 

Suppose one of the dc benefits greatly from therapeutic riding and it is expensive and not covered by insurance. But you still see measurable benefits. You also cannot afford equally expensive activities for other dc. Ask yourself do the other dc NEED equally expensive.

 

In terms of school, some subjects and approaches get more expensive of kids age. Again you give them what they need and recognize older dc may need more money for school.

 

So you give each child what he needs.

 

I do try to be even with my time. Time is a commodity that has more of an impact than activities and things.

[Haiku]

We don't do fair; we do appropriate. Each child gets what is appropriate to their needs and (some of) their desires.

[TravelingChris]

We didn't try to make it fair.  We were a military family almost all the way up to the end of our homeschooling.  That meant different kids had different opportunities depending where we were living.  So only oldest camped in a castle and rappeled down its walls.  Only middle learned to sail.  Only youngest went biking and backpacking in Great Smoky National Park.    They all had fun activities and good vacations.  None has complained about how they didn't get to do something,  

[LucyStoner]

In general older kid stuff costs more money.

 

It's fair because the younger will be that age later and I will pay those higher prices for him too.

 

Roughly equal amounts of classes and time committments.

[DawnM]

Without getting into details, my boys are all very different.  We give them as much as we can.  They each have different needs.

[Annie G]

It was hard for us- when our older two wanted to do gymnastics, we were raising four small children and that meant gymnastics had to stay at the rec level. But when the youngest two wanted to do theater, well, we were down to just two kids at home so we could afford to let them do it. So definitely not equal, but we did the best we could. Oldest dd has four young kids of her own and while she didn't always graciously accept our financial limitations, now that she's an adult she does get it and there are no hard feelings. 

[Haiku]

Oldest dd has four young kids of her own and while she didn't always graciously accept our financial limitations, now that she's an adult she does get it and there are no hard feelings. 

 

It's amazing how much my oldest didn't get it until she started having to pay some (not even all) of her own bills. Suddenly she has much more perspective.

[MysteryJen]

Money spent on activities falls under "truth number one" in our house. Life is not fair.

In any given season, it is not fair, but it seems to even out by the senior year.

 

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

[KungFuPanda]

I just try to meet their needs to the best of my physical and financial ability. My kids are soooo different that their "stuff" isn't really comparable. I'm sure that helps. Neither one is the jealous type either. They don't really compare like that, but they're 3 1/2 years apart and different sexes, so their interests don't overlap.

[Catherine]

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."

 

I know Karl Marx used this phrase, this but I think that it makes some sense, when dealing with kids' needs, especially in terms of education.  What if one child chooses a state school (cheap) and another a private one?  Unless resources are severely strained, it doesn't always make sense to divide by the dollar.  Plus the fact is, at least in my family, some children's needs are much much greater.  

[Catherine]

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs."

 

I know Karl Marx used this phrase, this but I think that it makes some sense, when dealing with kids' needs, especially in terms of education.  What if one child chooses a state school (cheap) and another a private one?  Unless resources are severely strained, it doesn't always make sense to divide by the dollar.  Plus the fact is, at least in my family, some children's needs are much much greater.  

[Rebel Yell]

For us, it is the other way round. The kid that needs more help in his interest area is the one we are willing to pay more.

For us, we choose based on best fit. Since we have only two kids, we could still afford it financially. DS11's cello is going to be more than DS10's flute. That is impossible to even.

If it is something we can't afford for both but can afford for one, like summer camps, then both don't go.

The only change I would make to this is if both kids could not afford camp each year, I would send each on alternate years.

 

  

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?   

Do you have set budget per kid?  Whatever amount divided by kids? 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports? 

Do older kids have to pay? 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not?  

How do you work it?

No set budget per kid

It depends on class or sport. BabyBaby is an instructor, so she does not pay for karate classes. We did recently add Judo (reasonable cost) since her activities have always been pretty much free or work-exchange

We stop funding activities other than eating and sleeping at home after high school graduation. 😎 SweetChild does cost more for her activities, but it is due to the activity itself rather than her age.

Seet Child (16) does work-exchange at the studio for some classes. We cannot afford all the classes she would like, so if she wants to add them she will have to pay. BabyBaby (14) also does work-exchange/teaching for karate classes, and we pay for her second martial art. We pay for all basic/required uniforms, shoes, costumes.

About showing promise: we wil not refuse lessons to a child who is unlikely to ever reach a top elite level. We do not have sufficient funds to provide training for a child who does have elite potential, but we will try to give them the best foundation that we can.

All we ask in exchange is full participation and excellent work ethic in the activities. They can goof off at home for free, which would be their only option if they were not working in classes.

 

Above is all for extra curricular or interests outside of academics. Academic we get the best we can, hopefully materials which can be reused by all three. I would pay far more for an outsourced high school class such as math or science than I would for any elementary classes.

[zoobie]

So far we've done it where each older kid gets to choose an activity. Baseball is more expensive than drama, but that's their choice. We spend more on her clothes. ;) When my younger ones get old enough to do activities, I'm going to need a clone to help drive. 

[MotherOfBoys]

My boys do soccer together, awana together, coop together, and baseball together. So we are not there yet. I was wondering what happens when they start separating. Right now I'm loving the together stuff. It makes our schedule so easy and affordable.

[Pippen]

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?  

 

Do you have set budget per kid?  Whatever amount divided by kids?

 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports?

 

Do older kids have to pay?

 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not? 

 

How do you work it?

 

We dealt with activities as they came up, according to what we could afford, and also taking into account what they were putting into it and getting out of it. 

 

All my kids were in music so we supported them with purchasing their first instruments instruments, activity fees and costs for most trips, and lessons as long as they were practicing. If they wanted second instruments, were going on big trips, or weren't practicing, then they contributed more or picked up the costs. 

 

Kids with more promise weren't given the more expensive options. As mentioned, all of my kids were in music and were given the same advantages. The one that was by far the most naturally talented--and who we all expected to major in music performance--eventually chose another route, while the two that are strong musicians, wound up seeking music-related careers. 

 

In hindsight the one thing that I would have done differently is to set activity funds aside along the way for the one of my kids who wasn't as much of a "joiner" as the other two. Late in high school this one finally found an activity--a very costly one--that he very much wanted to participate in and we didn't have the funds. Yet all the years while he was growing up we'd been picking up all of my daughter's dance costs. In the end he wasn't able to participate in the activity for other reasons, but I never felt good about not having the funds after 12 years of dance, and if I could dial back the clock I'd change that. 

[Rebel Yell]

My boys do soccer together, awana together, coop together, and baseball together. So we are not there yet. I was wondering what happens when they start separating. Right now I'm loving the together stuff. It makes our schedule so easy and affordable.

We had one glorious year where all three were together or at least same time/place for all classes and activities, plus oldest had one extra night for a different dance class. Life was so easy!

 

Not that the poster quoted suggested this, but I do caution against keeping all kids in same activities against one or more children's interest. I've known families were all children are required to participate in a particular sport and only tat particular sport, but several hated it it, or at the very least, wanted to do something else instead or in addition. I fully understand trying to save money and sanity, but it might not always end well.

[TechWife]

I'm one of five kids. My parents tried to treat us all the same in an effort to be "fair" to us. The problem? We were five different people. It would have been much better if they had looked at us that way and tried to meet each of our needs. Fair does not mean treating siblings the same. 

[Ausmumof3]

If you have more than one kid, how do you keep things fair among them regarding classes?

 

Do you have set budget per kid? Whatever amount divided by kids?

 

Is is the older kids get more money spent on their classes and sports?

 

Do older kids have to pay?

 

Are kids that so more promise given the more expensive options and ones that don't are not?

 

How do you work it?

I tend to be spending more on the oldest at any one time but over a lifetime the expenditure will probably be around the same. In fact my younger kids may have slightly more opportunities because we've invested in basic resources already so we can afford extracurriculars. However it's more about giving the kids the best option for their needs that we can afford right now. I hope that if we have to cut back at some stage they won't hold it against us.

[Wabi Sabi]

I don't worry about "fair." I do spend more on the older child, but anticipate that my younger child's spending will increase similarly as she gets older. That said, once you remove the cost of some of ds' classes and foreign language tutor, their extracurriculars are pretty balanced. I didn't intentionally set out to make their activities even, but it just naturally has more or less worked out that way. 

[Ausmumof3]

We had one glorious year where all three were together or at least same time/place for all classes and activities, plus oldest had one extra night for a different dance class. Life was so easy!

 

Not that the poster quoted suggested this, but I do caution against keeping all kids in same activities against one or more children's interest. I've known families were all children are required to participate in a particular sport and only tat particular sport, but several hated it it, or at the very least, wanted to do something else instead or in addition. I fully understand trying to save money and sanity, but it might not always end well.

Yes I tried at one stage to have them all in one place as its so much easier for me! No one is sitting around bored. Time is precious. But realistically we can really only afford one activity per kid so I have to do stuff in different places unless it's something really cheap. And of course the cheaper activities tend to rely on parent participation and fundraising more.

[Amy in NH]

Fair does not mean everyone gets the same; fair means everyone gets what they need when they need it.

[DawnM]

I don't even want to tell you how much we spent in the last 3 years for therapy for my son.  He has no idea either, in fact, we tell him that our insurance reimburses us, which is true, but not fully.  Our insurance pays 65%, which is good, but we have still paid a lot.

 

No way I would even let the boys know what we have spent, much less try to spend that same amount per boy.  

 

But then my younger two will have higher college expenses, so as many of you  have said, it all evens out to some degree.

 

But I am not doing a running tally.

Edited July 25, 2016 by DawnM

[Farrar]

My boys are twins and they did go through a fixation at one point with wanting things to be more equal across the board. The worry for them has mostly been about little things. Like, I'll be out with one and get him a small treat like a cookie and then he worries, what about his brother, when will he get his cookie.

 

So we had to have a conversation in which I said that if you could stack up all the "cookies" they got from birth to when they leave for college, the stacks would be within a few "cookies" of each other.

 

And then I said that it's not just cookies, it's activities and time and attention and all that stuff. It's everything. And with repetition, I feel like this has more or less sunk in. I said they really needed to trust that it would all even out in the end.

 

I think, in practice, sometimes a kid needs more - has a passion that costs a lot more or has special needs that take a lot more. Or, conversely, has an interest that is basically free or very cheap to pursue. But I think my hope is that even that evens out with the time, the attention, the little things, overall. If that makes sense.

[eternalsummer]

This is a funny one because originally I saw the thread title and thought, "wow!  this one isn't an economic/demographics question!"

 

Then I opened it.

 

Hahahahahaha

[AimeeM]

We don't really "do" fair, in regards to money spent - on anything.

DD14's clothing, education, and activities cost more than the same for DS7 or DS4. 

 

The only thing we try to balance is time spent - quality time. It's easy for us to spend the most amount of time with DS4, considering his special needs. We have to be intentional about balancing that with the other two children. 

[lovinmyboys]

We don't do "fair" either. I know 2 families that are hyper focused on treating their children "fairly." One family won't let their one child have a play date unless they can find a play date for their other child. So, even the number of play dates has to be fair. I don't often invite that friend to do things. The logistics are just too crazy. I think it is impossible to make things fair so I don't even try. I do my best for each of my kids.

[SKL]

I don't think my kids are comparing that sort of thing.  They would compare who got more spending money, toys, clothes, etc., but not who got more money spent on their school stuff.  :P  I think they would rather be the one I spent less on when it comes to that.  :P

 

My kids have started to narrow down their interests outside of school.  Turns out each has one favorite sport that is kind of expensive.  Besides that, most of what they do is fairly affordable.  So that's not an issue at this point.

 

For academic stuff, so far I've put them in the same paid classes, which generally works OK.  However, this is likely to change as their academic needs are quite different.  This summer I have them in a reading class mainly because my slower kid needs help.  I was assured that the older kid would be challenged at her level bla bla, but now seeing how it's structured, I don't know.  If I'd only put the slower kid in the class, the slower kid would get mad because her sister got more free time.  I am wondering how I'm going to handle this when keeping them together is completely unreasonable.  I could give the advanced kid some online work or workbook assignments etc., but she would blow them off and her sister would know this.

[KungFuPanda]

Can we talk about how expensive everything is? I kind of wished I would have thought to fund-match every activity with an equal amount in the college fund. It would come in handy right now and would be a good chunk of the tuition we're paying this year. But noooooo, I didn't get that idea until this thread so now I have to live on a tighter budget for the next few years.

[Blink]

When I read the title of this thread, it didn't even occur to me that it would be about money! My kids' complaints about fairness sometimes have to do with the amount of time spent focused on certain children. We have talked about equity vs. equality (this picture/explanation works well), but it still comes up, as I'm sure it does in many large families. Otherwise, the "fairness" issues in our house usually have to do with junk food or freedoms that come with age. The fact that my oldest is now allowed to sit in the front seat is "totally unfair" according to his younger sister.

 

The amount of money spent on each child is not something I ever thought had to be "fair", and not something we've worried about at all. Our decisions about what classes and activities our children participate in have more to do with being fair with our time and with the opportunities we give our kids (at roughly the same age), rather than money. When we allowed our oldest to begin playing sports competitively, we knew that we were setting ourselves up for our other kids to do the same, or to participate in similarly time-consuming activities when they were old enough. If we weren't able to afford this for all of our kids, we wouldn't have allowed our oldest to play, not because we want to spend the same amount of money on each child, but because we don't think it would be fair for one child to have that experience while the others sit on the sidelines. 

 

We won't be asking our kids to pay for any extracurricular activities before they graduate from high school.

[LisaKinVA]

In reading through some responses, I was reminded of a decision we had to make.

 

We could pay for our oldest two children to attend a special camp, but not the other three.  We received opinions from many people that because the other three were "younger" it wasn't as big of a deal.  They'd get to go "someday."  However, middle child is now 13, it's kind of hard to categorize him as one of the "little kids."  "Fairness" definitely played into our decision calculus to not send anyone.  It would have been different if the 13yo didn't want to go, or wouldn't have benefited.  But the truth is, the younger kids would have benefited more than the older ones.  Pressure to send the older kids was more about hanging out with friends.