Janie Grace Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My dd16 claims that when she is a mother, she will not limit what her kids wear at all. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel and adopt this philosophy myself. As things stand now, I feel like dd is at one extreme (if it's cute, wear it!) and my dh is at the other (very aware of modesty). I try to be this mediator but it's exhausting... interpreting his convictions to her, making a case for her perspective to him... but if I stop, I'm afraid it will be extremely messy. Dh isn't intractable; he came around on bikinis and shorter shorts. But he is definitely way less comfortable than we are in terms of skirt length, skin-tight jeans, and that kind of thing. I am not of the mindset that women are responsible for the thought lives of men, but I'm also not of the "whatever, I don't care how much of your body you show to the world" mindset. As a Christian, I think there is such a thing as dressing in a God-honoring way. But I don't know what that means when it comes to teenagers, and I also don't know how you navigate giving a teen more and more freedom to make certain calls herself. I realize this is a touchy thing because of patriarchy and legalistic stuff. But I also feel like it's an age-old thing... Dad doesn't want his girl dressing "like that" because "he knows how boys think"... Mom being more sympathetic to fashion and the desire to be cute... daughter wishing she was completely unfettered by parental guidance... sigh. I am just weary of it. Prom is coming up and I wish it could just be a fun thing (shopping for a dress) but instead it feels like it's just going to be stressful, trying to find some middle ground between hooker and Puritan (yes, I exaggerate). Does anyone else feel like this? Any tips on how you navigate? Are you and dh on the same page when it comes to how your teen girls dress and if not, how do you work this out without it being a big mess? And please, please, please can we not turn this into a modesty debate? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My husband sometimes sees our daughters, then looks at me and asks if their outfit/hair/makeup/whatever is "okay". So far, he has always deferred to me on this particular matter. We do not subscribe to any sort of modesty rules, and my girls rarely present "modesty" challenges, but I do occasionally struggle to find the sweet spot between "age appropriate" and not making them self-conscious of their bodies. I try to err on the side of their own personal comfort. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I find this tricky too, though so far dh and I have been on the same page. But it is really hard to get dd11 to see that some clothes that might be trendy really just look like she is going out in her underwear. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) Talk to your dh about his fears, his dreams for his daughter, and what he wants his involvement to be down the line. In two years, she is likely to be living outside the home, and making her own decisions. Ideally, she will get some experience making her own decisions while still under your roof. What is his vision for her future? How does he plan for her to get there? Has he discussed with her that it is ok for her to look attractive? That it is ok for her to be attractive to boys/men? Does he have pet peeves she can avoid (e.g. showing her midriff) or is he just anxious about the whole thing? Can she learn to address the feeling he is expressing rather than what he is actually saying? Can he learn to express his feelings/fears rather than criticism her clothing? Can you all look at prom dresses in a catalog or online store, and discuss what you like and don't like so you have a common target vision when you go shopping? Edited March 2, 2016 by justasque 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 well - I did have to threaten 1dd that she had to change her clothes so I could wash them. 2dd drove me nuts clothes shopping - she'd always whine about how short the sleeves were . . . . . she's 5'11, and her arm span is 6'1". it worked out as 1dd is now a nerd and wears jeans and t-shirts to work. (standard nerd wardrobe.) I did appreciate when 1dd was old enough to take pity on my and take 2dd clothes shopping (to save my sanity.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I'm probably more conservative than DH when it comes to how the kids dress, teen or otherwise. Tbh, DD and I don't really clash about her clothing. She knows there are certain combinations she's not allowed to wear out of the house at all, and certain things that are okay for general outings but not for our (generally conservative) homeschool group. She's allowed to experiment with makeup at home, and she likes trying out the heavy eyeliner and such. I'm not really a fan of that look, but I allow it around here, as long as she doesn't wear it out of the house (and we have talked about how people, unfortunately, will make snap judgments about certain looks, so it's sometimes just easier to avoid that -- doesn't make it right, but sometimes less hassle is better). She is allowed to wear subtle makeup out of the house, for about a year or so (she's not quite 14). We have talked about modesty isn't just about skin showing but about drawing undue attention to yourself, and how sometimes it just isn't necessary. We have plenty we don't see eye to eye on, but clothing and makeup don't tend to be two of our battle areas. She's been pretty accepting of me saying that something isn't appropriate for a particular outing, and I don't hassle her about what she wears around the house (none of it has been what I'd term indecent, just not appropriate for certain outings), and that seems to work for us. This may change as she gets older, I know. I do admit to missing her colonial clothing obsession, which was adorable. She'd complain about not having enough petticoats or that her dresses weren't quite long enough. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) No, I did not struggle with my DD about clothes. I want her to be comfortable and warm enough for the weather, but that is where my opinion stops. She happens to like short dresses and skirts and she looks cute in them, but she does not wear them to get attention or looks "that way". She just looks nice, and she wears the clothes because they make her feel good. She is not interested in attracting guys' attention. So, I am a bit at a loss here because I see nothing inherently bad about certain types of clothing or skirt lengths. You can wear a short dress with poise and dignity, and you can behave in a questionable way covered from head to toe. Nor do I observe that short dresses cause the "wrong" kind of attention on part of young men. Edited March 2, 2016 by regentrude 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) I do admit to missing her colonial clothing obsession, which was adorable. She'd complain about not having enough petticoats or that her dresses weren't quite long enough. :) I'm pretty sure my dh would pay big bucks if dd would develop a colonial clothing obsession right about now. ;) Edited March 2, 2016 by Janie Grace 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 This is not a struggle for my teen. However, she doesn't wear anything tight, too short, midriff showing etc. If she wanted too, then yes, we'd have a problem. When she moves out of the house, she can dress as she wishes. However, as long as I am legally responsible for her and purchasing the clothing, she will wear things that are my definition of appropriate. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Neither of my daughters needed clothing guidance. They wore appropriate clothing even if sometimes not to my taste. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 No, I did not struggle with my DD about clothes. I want her to be comfortable and warm enough for the weather, but that is where my opinion stops. She happens to like short dresses and skirts and she looks cute in them, but she does not wear them to get attention or looks "that way". She just looks nice, and she wears the clothes because they make her feel good. She is not interested in attracting guys' attention. So, I am a bit at a loss here because I see nothing inherently bad about certain types of clothing or skirt lengths. You can wear a short dress with poise and dignity, and you can behave in a questionable way covered from head to toe. Nor do I observe that short dresses cause the "wrong" kind of attention on part of young men. Well, it's toned down now, but for a while the style here for summer clothes for young women was not what I would call classy. It wasn't just that they were short or bare - it's hard to put a finger on. The shorts were as short as underwear, and mostly thin material (or cut-offs so short the pockets stuck out the bum) and leggings made of cheap, thin, material. I've had a hard time expressing to my dd the difference between what is fashionable, and what is just trendy but actually not fashionable, because a lot of the teens are wearing this stuff, and so it just seems "cool" to her. She can be quite a snappy dresser sometimes but she doesn't quite have an eye to pick out when things cross the line into skanky territory. And she doesn't believe that I might know anything about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) Dd has pretty much come around to our opinions. She doesn't want her underwear to show when she bends over, doesn't want her boobs to hang out, and doesn't want her bra to be totally revealed underneath a super-thin top. She wishes we'd let her bare her midrift (last summer, anyway), saying she'd rather wear something skimpy there than skimpy in the chest--we finally allowed a bikini last summer, but it was still pretty modest, as far as bikinis go. She's quite slender and looks good in everything--we let the tight jeans and leggings go, because she's not showing anything (hate the term camel toe, but there it is). IDK. I think standards vary around the country. We are fairly moderate. We know which stores to avoid, and she knows when we are going to say something is too short or too revealing, which really isn't much. We'd like shorts to be in the 3.5 inch inseam range or longer, we'd like the rest of her clothes to be wearable just about anywhere (we don't wear shorts in church, and we don't do skinny strapped tank tops that show the bra strap, but some tops do a bit). OP, one thing I'd say is, Life is Messy, and don't be afraid to let it be. I have been a moderator between kids and hubby before--all it does is end up being frustration. Let them work it out, if it's causing you distress. She'll find her way, and so will he--and they might find each other in the process of talking it out. :D Edited March 2, 2016 by Chris in VA 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Extremely hard to talk about women's clothing without thinking about modesty. Will just try to answer your question without bringing it up. Yes, we struggle very much so. Dh and I are on the same page, but sadly, we live in a society where designers have thrown women's dignity in the trash, and entice them to dress like whores. It's sad. We tried our best with our oldest, and it was a long time battle, but it sort of has paid off so far. We will continue to instill modesty and respect for themselves in our other 2 daughters. There are MANY ways to dress fashionably, but still covering your body and respecting yourself. Prom dress finding was hard for us, but it's doable. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 You can't make a decision for a near adult about what "modesty" looks like for them or if they agree/comply. You can only - to a certain degree - force compliance. It is uncomfortable for some religious parents to realize and accept growing sexuality in children, especially with girls. At 16, you have imparted your preferences, shares your mindset, revealed your worldview. It's her turn to develop her own. Clothes =\= character, virtue, or godly living. It isn't on the fruit of the Spirit list. And Mom and Dad aren't that spirit. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 No, I did not struggle with my DD about clothes. I want her to be comfortable and warm enough for the weather, but that is where my opinion stops. She happens to like short dresses and skirts and she looks cute in them, but she does not wear them to get attention or looks "that way". She just looks nice, and she wears the clothes because they make her feel good. She is not interested in attracting guys' attention. So, I am a bit at a loss here because I see nothing inherently bad about certain types of clothing or skirt lengths. You can wear a short dress with poise and dignity, and you can behave in a questionable way covered from head to toe. Nor do I observe that short dresses cause the "wrong" kind of attention on part of young men. :iagree: This was basically my philosophy with oldest dd, and how she liked to dress. She was a very fit dancer with extremely long legs and was most comfortable in short dresses and skirts (often worn over bike shorts because that was also part of her comfort). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My dh has never been involved in the way the females dress in our home; the odds would have been against him. That is a good thing since he has no fashion sense, and honestly, I think the idea of getting involved in women's clothing would scare the living daylights out of him. He leaves it up to me. I don't remember any struggles with my teen dds over their clothing choices other than suggesting they needed something dressier than jeans/top for a special occasion - what is appropriate for running to Walmart might not be appropriate for a wedding. Or, it's 10 degrees outside, don't you think you need a coat? The other day I did nix something my dd wanted to wear to school. She attends a private, classical school, and I felt her choice would be pushing the limits a little. It's not that I wouldn't let her wear the outfit, just not to the school she attends. She didn't get upset or argue with me. We don't have rules based on a certain interpretation of what modesty looks like. What I endeavor to teach them is common sense and dressing correctly for what the occasion is. My middle dd recently had me go shopping with her to help her choose a couple professional outfits. If my dd were having disagreements with her dad, I would tell him he needs to deal with her and not go through me. I hate being in the middle. Plus, it might be a good opportunity for the two of them to connect. For dd - to learn to see her dad's side of the issue. For dad - to realize that his dd is growing up and will be making her own choices, some of which he might not like. It's not always easy, for either party, but talking and listening is so important. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Just some sympathy... not about clothes but about some other issues, I feel like I just keep repeating, "What your dad is really trying to say..." and "what DD really means is...." This has been going on about the last year now. They have always had a great relationship, but there is just a communication gap right now. It's like they can't speak the same language. Dads and teen daughters... *sigh* 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I pretty much let my DD do what she wants, clothing-wise, as long as it's not going to get one of us arrested. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I think debating every article of clothing would get exhausting for all three of you. Do you think the three of you would be able to sit down and work out a dress code, so that your DD can be sure when shopping that what she buys is not going to lead to conflict? Then you'd discuss it once, write it down, and not have to deal with it again as long as all of you kept to your agreement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 DD14 is all about comfort.... she really doesn't care what it looks like. So my role is primarily to make sure that she doesn't wear her clothes to point of having holes in awkward places because they are the most comfortable things she owns. DD22 was a different story. We had to have many long discussion session about why some clothes look better on curvy girls than others. She was curvy enough that she had to pick and choose - just because it was "cute" on the stick-thin display model didn't mean that it was going to be OK for her. No arguments and I never had to forbid anything... but lots of talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Don't be the buffer between them because they will come to rely on you to always be the buffer and that's uncomfortable for you. They need to figure it out between them. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I don't think my dh has ever said boo about anything our dd has worn. I let her put together her own outfits for the most part. Our only requirement is that it is weather appropriate. My dd's style is best described as "just got out of the pool". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My husband defers to me on this We are both a little uncomfortable with low necklines/cleavage. It has nothing to do with seeing our little girl growing up, but our own growing up in a time and place where women did not display nearly all of their breasts to the public. But it is very hard to find tank tops that have high enough and "tight" enough necklines (tight as in when the girl bends over, it doesn't fall away) and in the summer, tank tops are a must. But I think in general in the US the perception of women showing cleavage is changing; it doesn't seem to be as big a deal as it was when I was younger. We do have "clothes that are OK for church and related events" and clothes that are not. Obviously she dresses very differently for her community college classes than she does for Sunday morning worship. The only real area of frustration we have is in issues of taste. I separate "this is appropriate" from "I like it." I dislike some of her clothing choices, but I don't disapprove of them. She wants me to like them, but I can't always! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I have boys. My 14 year old and actually also my 10 year old have been asking me a lot of questions lately about why girls wear makeup, why they wear high healed shoes, and other stuff about why they dress the way they do. I don't know what to tell them. I don't wear makeup. I don't wear high healed shoes. I dress pretty boringly. LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I'm pretty sure my dh would pay big bucks if dd would develop a colonial clothing obsession right about now. ;) LOL! It certainly was modest. She was about seven and went crazy with the research. She frequently went out for daily errands in a full gown, several petticoats, a kerchief around her neck, a mob cap, and a straw hat. And sometimes princess gowns instead. And one time, at about 2.5, a snowsuit in July. Or a combination of crazy patterns. I don't regret for a second that I let her go out like that. She's always had her own eye for fashion and color. I went for reasonably appropriate for weather and activity (shorts under dresses for the playground, appropriate dress for a dressy occasion, at least bringing a coat along in the winter), and I still require no ripped jeans and decently fitting clothes in public now, but crazy costumes? They can do those all they want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My husband defers to me on this We are both a little uncomfortable with low necklines/cleavage. It has nothing to do with seeing our little girl growing up, but our own growing up in a time and place where women did not display nearly all of their breasts to the public. But it is very hard to find tank tops that have high enough and "tight" enough necklines (tight as in when the girl bends over, it doesn't fall away) and in the summer, tank tops are a must. But I think in general in the US the perception of women showing cleavage is changing; it doesn't seem to be as big a deal as it was when I was younger. We do have "clothes that are OK for church and related events" and clothes that are not. Obviously she dresses very differently for her community college classes than she does for Sunday morning worship. The only real area of frustration we have is in issues of taste. I separate "this is appropriate" from "I like it." I dislike some of her clothing choices, but I don't disapprove of them. She wants me to like them, but I can't always! The lower neckline thing might just come down to an issue of comfort. I wear low necklines always because anything near my neck drives me crazy. Turtle necks...forget about it. I don't have much in the cleavage dept so it's probably why I get away with it even among more modest people. So I guess I luck out there. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) FWIW, I am not Christian and I still battled with my dd over issues of appropriate clothing. For example, I forbid sweats with words on the seat and booty shorts. DD also had a thing for wearing shocking neon pink bras under white shirts. I kiboshed that, too. Two things: 1. You can look cute without wearing things that are skin tight and ultra-short. If that's all your dd finds cute, then it's up to you to just say no. I'm an adult woman, and I don't enjoy seeing teens' and tweens' (or anyone's) butt cheeks hanging out of their shorts or peeping out from under their skirts. I also don't appreciate seeing most of their breasts. 2. I think you should step out of the middle and let your dd and your dh work it out on their own. Or, you and your dh should decide together what you are comfortable with and present a united front to your dd. But at 16, your your dd should be able and willing to discuss the clothing choices she is so adamant about with her father. Oh, and my dd also told me that she would be so much more liberal and unrestrictive with her kids. Then a bunch of her friends whose parents raised them in such a liberal, freewheeling way went and got pregnant in high school, went to jail, or otherwise loused up their lives. Now she has more sense. At nearly 22, dd dresses how she chooses now. I often have to bite my tongue. But I did my job and kept her fashionable yet presentable when she was under my care. ETA: My dh once told my daughter, when she came down to go to school, that she had forgotten to put on her clothes. My dd didn't really like that, but she got the point and put on something less reminiscent of a bathing suit. My dd14 likes to wear clothing that keeps her well covered. She is not into girly clothing and prefers boys' athletic shorts and tshirts. Edited March 2, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I have boys. My 14 year old and actually also my 10 year old have been asking me a lot of questions lately about why girls wear makeup, why they wear high healed shoes, and other stuff about why they dress the way they do. I don't know what to tell them. I don't wear makeup. I don't wear high healed shoes. I dress pretty boringly. LOL "Because it makes them feel pretty". 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 For the most part, this is not a battle I choose to fight, though it could be if I were adamant about it. My stylish girl will generally wear what I choose for her out of the closet, but then, I buy them based on what she likes. There are things she won't wear, and she requires modifications to wear some things. Fine, since there is plenty of common ground between us. My other kid is less stylish but way more stubborn. At 3yo we butted heads and then I just made a law - you do not have any say in what you wear to school or church. Period. She was fine with that until recently (age 9). Now she will hurry and choose her clothes and get dressed before I have time to think about it. She does stay within the confines of the "dress code," and she isn't trying to be risque or anything, so it's not a problem so far. I'm glad she has finally taken some initiative in self-care. If my kid was trying to dress in a way I found unacceptable, I'd tell her exactly why it wasn't acceptable. If that didn't work, I'd remove the clothes from her options, or do whatever else to prevent it. Like I always tell my kids, they can do whatever they want after they turn 18. Until then, I will perform my God-given duty to parent you, including vetoing poor choices. (Of course we haven't reached that particular turn in the road, so I might eat my words at some point.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 "Because it makes them feel pretty". Sometimes it's not even that I think, it's the fun of the colours and effects just like painting on a canvas. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 "Because it makes them feel pretty". I don't particularly care for the idea that girls think they have to show off their parts to be pretty. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 This is probably much more difficult with a 16 year old. And honestly what she might end up doing is putting the item on while out and about and removing it when she gets back home. Lots of girls did that when I was a teen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I don't particularly care for the idea that girls think they have to show off their parts to be pretty. Well I have said to them because they think it makes them look nice. They don't think it does so they wonder about it. I said honestly I think girls dress for other girls more than they do for boys. I could be totally off the mark there, but I don't know. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I don't particularly care for the idea that girls think they have to show off their parts to be pretty. The poster to whom I replied was specifically referring to high heels and makeup. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 As for DH, I am not married, but everyone close to my kids tends to prefer modesty, so it isn't likely to be a big issue. My stylish girl does do things that some people consider ridiculous. She has always liked to dress up for going out to dinner. Problem is that she is 4 ft tall and has the style of a [modest but stylish] young teenager. I kinda feel that she isn't hurting anyone and if she feels good dressing like that, what is the problem? I don't know where she gets it from, but more power to her if she has a sense of style (unlike her mother). At least I won't have to try to teach her about fashion! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I said honestly I think girls dress for other girls more than they do for boys. I could be totally off the mark there, but I don't know. Oh, totally for other girls. I just had a discussion with my DS about body image and studies that indicated that what girls think they need to look like (this study was referring to weight and body shape) is vastly different than what boys prefer girls to look like. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 They don't think it does so they wonder about it. My son also does not appreciate the "let it all hang out" look. He has a girl he likes, and she dresses very cute and funky but without any butt or cleavage showing. I think you are on to something with the girls dressing for other girls idea. My dd always told me she wasn't dressing for male attention, but she wanted to go around in shorts she constantly had to pick out of her rear and bra straps that constantly fell off her shoulders and other such stuff. Considering that those items are not comfortable to wear, I can't imagine why else she would want to wear them unless she was trying to impress someone. She would wear ridiculous shoes that hurt her feet and complain about them, but she would continue to wear them. It makes no sense to me. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) Because we talk about things nearly to death here, my girls expect to hear "put away the boobs" or "bend over in front of the mirror and then decide if you're still going to wear that..." on the rare occasion that I think they are showing too much. As they near the age of 16, though, it's more like the latter comment where I point something out and then let them make the choice. However, until they are buying their own clothes, clothing purchases have to be approved by the lady paying--ME--anyway, so there aren't a lot of mini mini skirts, etc. here. My girls sure don't want to dress like me but they've picked up my habit of doing a running dialogue about clothes whenever we go shopping. "Oh, that's SO cute...too bad it's a little low-cut for me/you. Hey, I wonder if they have something more XYZ" and we skip to another rack of tops or whatever. LOL I especially tried to model this when I lost a lot of weight and was feeling super good about clothes, but was tempted to squeeze into certain things because I could! I shared that struggle with them--if you got it, flaunt it is NOT an attitude that I have much tolerance for, personally--and I think they appreciated seeing me live out what I was trying to express to them. Edited March 2, 2016 by 6packofun 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My kids always wear shorts or leggings under their skirts. That may change, I don't know. I think if my kid ever decided to be bull-headed about a short skirt or low neckline etc., I would dress up similarly and ask her how I looked before going out. :P That ought to show her how unwelcome the sight of buttcheeks etc. are. :P I do tell my kids that shorter skirt lengths are for little kids, not for girls who are becoming young ladies. :) If they say their friends wear them (they don't so far), the old "would you jump off a bridge" speech might get some use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenNC Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) I have occasional issues with my 15 yo, but it's not bad. We differ most on heel height as I don't think really high heels are age-appropriate (as in 4 inches or more) or good for one's feet, where she's short, loves shoes, and would love some of the higher heels. There's also the occasional argument on putting on something a little nicer than jeans and a superhero tshirt for some activities. She went through a phase of wanting to wear makeup, but now really finds it more trouble than it's worth. At the moment, she's on a 40s/50s kick, so swings between wanting to look like Marvel's Agent Carter and wearing baggy tshirts with paint-covered jeans. Now that she's 15, I have relaxed my stand on some of the restrictions about bathing suit type, skirt length, etc. She developed early and is pretty well-endowed, so during her tween and early teen years I worked hard to keep her dressing in what I considered an age appropriate manner. My husband is probably a bit less restrictive on this than I am. I did have to send her back to change her shorts for a Girl Scout ceremony last fall. The uniform requires khaki bottoms but she hadn't worn the khaki shorts she had in probably a year (she's not fond of khaki) and they now were too tight and short. I told her that the Daisy in Girl Scouts did not mean Daisy Dukes! There was an occasion where we were at a large outside rally for Girl Scouts when she was maybe 12. She and some friends went off to the bathroom and when I turned around, I saw her walking back with her tshirt tied way up under her breasts showing a lot of midriff (definitely not appropriate for the setting and she knew it full well). I said nothing, but started to do the same thing to my shirt. Hers was back down in place in about 5 seconds. Edited March 2, 2016 by KarenNC 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 (edited) She's 16. I think I'd be encouraging my husband to hold back his objections most of the time and let her transition into developing her own style. Save it for when he feels the strongest. As she grows into an adult he should start choosing his battles more carefully, I think. An exasperated teen is more likely to start tuning you out and just giving you lip service in order to do whatever she wants out of your eyesight. Edited March 2, 2016 by Barb_ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Another vote for not letting either of them put you in the middle and particularly to articulate and justify a line that isn't yours particularly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Well I have said to them because they think it makes them look nice. They don't think it does so they wonder about it. I said honestly I think girls dress for other girls more than they do for boys. I could be totally off the mark there, but I don't know. This has always been my thought, too. I'm all for comfort now, but back in the day when I did the make-up, hair, heels things, I never once had men in mind. And don't take that to mean I was trying to attract women. No. I just wanted to look better. What a waste of time. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 My dd16 claims that when she is a mother, she will not limit what her kids wear at all. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel and adopt this philosophy myself. As things stand now, I feel like dd is at one extreme (if it's cute, wear it!) and my dh is at the other (very aware of modesty). I try to be this mediator but it's exhausting... interpreting his convictions to her, making a case for her perspective to him... but if I stop, I'm afraid it will be extremely messy. Dh isn't intractable; he came around on bikinis and shorter shorts. But he is definitely way less comfortable than we are in terms of skirt length, skin-tight jeans, and that kind of thing. I am not of the mindset that women are responsible for the thought lives of men, but I'm also not of the "whatever, I don't care how much of your body you show to the world" mindset. As a Christian, I think there is such a thing as dressing in a God-honoring way. But I don't know what that means when it comes to teenagers, and I also don't know how you navigate giving a teen more and more freedom to make certain calls herself. I realize this is a touchy thing because of patriarchy and legalistic stuff. But I also feel like it's an age-old thing... Dad doesn't want his girl dressing "like that" because "he knows how boys think"... Mom being more sympathetic to fashion and the desire to be cute... daughter wishing she was completely unfettered by parental guidance... sigh. I am just weary of it. Prom is coming up and I wish it could just be a fun thing (shopping for a dress) but instead it feels like it's just going to be stressful, trying to find some middle ground between hooker and Puritan (yes, I exaggerate). Does anyone else feel like this? Any tips on how you navigate? Are you and dh on the same page when it comes to how your teen girls dress and if not, how do you work this out without it being a big mess? And please, please, please can we not turn this into a modesty debate? Teen boy mom here. What do you actually think your dd should be allowed to wear? Boys think the way boys think, and probably did when girls wore dresses to the floor in the one direction and up to the chin in the other. If there weren't a substantial number thinking that way, most of us would probably not be in existence. So far as I can tell, dressing the way most of the other girls dress (skin-tight jeans, and that kind of thing) sends no particular message. When that is what most are wearing, it just sort of disappears and other things become more important. Deviating significantly from the norm, whatever it is, does tend to send a message, but may be more of an issue in terms of fitting in with other girls and not necessarily so much about what the boys think. My rule for my ds is that if an activity is "his" activity he can wear whatever he feels he should wear, with very rare exceptions, generally more related to health and safety than anything else. I also let him have some say in what I wear to "his" activities. If the activity were to be "mine" then I would ask for more say in what he wears, if it seemed inappropriate to me. If I were dealing with a dd, I'd want the rule to be the same for her, not different because she is a girl. So, by my rule, the prom would be "her" activity, and within $$ type parameters, I'd let her choose the look she wants, while putting my focus on making sure there isn't going to be DUI trouble or that sort of thing. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 Teen boy mom here. What do you actually think your dd should be allowed to wear? Boys think the way boys think, and probably did when girls wore dresses to the floor in the one direction and up to the chin in the other. If there weren't a substantial number thinking that way, most of us would probably not be in existence. So far as I can tell, dressing the way most of the other girls dress (skin-tight jeans, and that kind of thing) sends no particular message. When that is what most are wearing, it just sort of disappears and other things become more important. Deviating significantly from the norm, whatever it is, does tend to send a message, but may be more of an issue in terms of fitting in with other girls and not necessarily so much about what the boys think. My rule for my ds is that if an activity is "his" activity he can wear whatever he feels he should wear, with very rare exceptions, generally more related to health and safety than anything else. I also let him have some say in what I wear to "his" activities. If the activity were to be "mine" then I would ask for more say in what he wears, if it seemed inappropriate to me. If I were dealing with a dd, I'd want the rule to be the same for her, not different because she is a girl. So, by my rule, the prom would be "her" activity, and within $$ type parameters, I'd let her choose the look she wants, while putting my focus on making sure there isn't going to be DUI trouble or that sort of thing. Pen, those are all great points. Just reposting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiche Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 Frankly, I think unless a father has absolutely stunning, unerring fashion sense and his daughter specifically asks him what he thinks, it is icky for a dad to tell his daughter what to wear. But then, my thoughts on it are pretty much in line with this: http://jezebel.com/5966651/hey-girls-modesty-is-bullshit 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 I don't have any daughters and my FDIL occasionally wears skirts too short for my taste but otherwise is very appropriate. But while this isn't on the same scale I am constantly having to send my 14 year old back to get a belt. He's very skinny and long legged so his pants are often a bit too big in the waist in order to get the right inseam. I puck battles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 Pick battles - church and scout functions require a belt. Others mostly I remind him but I don't always enforce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate all the different wisdom and perspectives. I think dd dresses to be cool/cute for both guys and girls. I don't think this is wrong -- it's pretty normal to discover around this age that you possess a certain power that has to do with your body. Dd is tall and blonde; she is a runner and has a build that attracts attention (regardless of how she's dressed). I think there is a collision of her realizing this and enjoying it, and dh fighting anxiety about his no-longer-little girl navigating the world of male attraction/interest. She doesn't want to let her b*obs hang out or dress "trashy" -- she just has a different standard for what is too tight, too short, etc. The way she would like to dress is very typical teen; it's just that dh thinks "typical teen" is not modest. (For example, she is fine with wearing running tights around as pants; dh is not.) Anyway, thanks again for the input! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!! ETA: how funny that I woke up thinking of you and we posted at the same time!!!! Just read your response above. Your dh is trying hard not to let her be "another teenager", and feel they dress inappropriately... totally agree with him. Will pray for you all :) Edited March 3, 2016 by mamiof5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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