Do you struggle with your teen girls about clothes?

[texasmama]

I have raised a teen girl to adulthood now.  Re: clothing, I drew the line at skirts that showed her butt when she bent over (with no shorts underneath and low cut tops that showed more cleavage than I was comfortable seeing.  I framed it as respecting herself, not God- honoring.  Once, she continued to wear a too short skirt to high school and actually did show her butt/underwear to someone and got feedback about it.  That was more powerful than anything I said.  Mostly, I was trying to save her embarrassment.  She still dresses in a way that I consider too form-fitting to be flattering or appropriate for most public venues, but I no longer say anything because she is an adult.  

 

This information came from me and not dad or step-dad, btw.  They stayed out of it.

[Janie Grace]

I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!!

ETA: how funny that I woke up thinking of you and we posted at the same time!!!! Just read your response above. Your dh is trying hard not to let her be "another teenager", and feel they dress inappropriately... totally agree with him. Will pray for you all :)

 

Wow, this is a very passionate response. For the record, I did not say I don't care how much she shows the world; I said the exact opposite: "I'm also not of the "whatever, I don't care how much of your body you show to the world" mindset." Maybe the double negative made it confusing. 

 

When I said I didn't want a modesty debate, I meant that I didn't want to get into the nitty-gritty of "this is modest, this isn't" because we all have different standards. I wanted input on navigating family relationships when there are different opinions on those standards. 

 

Your post is extremely self-righteous and you make many assumptions about my (poor) parenting. I am fully aware of my role as a mom to model and guide, thank you. You say "just because she's a teenager, she can choose?" thing. Yes, I absolutely do believe that teenagers should get more choice as they get older. She is going to be out on her own soon and my goal is to teach her how to make decisions for herself, not to continue laying down the law in the exact same way I did when she was a toddler. My goal isn't that she exactly emulate all of my opinions; it's that she spread her wings and experience a life and walk with God of her own. I believe the Holy Spirit leads everyone uniquely, including my children. If I don't let Him do that, I am forcing them into a life of legalistic conformity. That's not the gospel.

 

Your smiley face, promise of prayers for me, and "have a blessed day" do not make a rude post more Christian, by the way. 

 

 

[historically accurate]

I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!!

 

Wow, I don't really know what to say here. 

 

I have a teen daughter and 2 more coming up right behind, and I guess I just don't get the whole modesty thing. I would venture to guess that "most" girls are not having sex at a young age and having abortions! It's out there, yes, but you make it sound like anyone who would dare show anything above the knee (let alone a bikini) is running around hooking up with random guys. Really?!? Maybe I am reading this wrong, but this morning it just rubbed me the wrong way.

 

OP, I would let your DH work it out with DD. Probably I would work it out privately with DH and present a united front to DD, I would not get thrown in the middle of an argument. That's a lot of unnecessary stress on you. 

[LisaKinVA]

I've been discussing with my daughter appropriate dress for a long time.  This daughter is naturally a bit shy, and fairly body-conscious already.  Essentially, I told her she should feel comfortable in her clothes to participate in whatever activity she wished to do.  If she was attending a dance and was constantly pulling at, or adjusting her dress for comfort -- it probably wasn't something she should wear.  If she had problems sitting, standing or moving without feeling embarrassed, showing undergarments, or exposing things she didn't want exposed, it probably wasn't appropriate.  We go into some more details, but in general, I'm probably more comfortable with her wearing shorter skirts than she chooses.

 

Blondie, on the other hand, is very much in to trends and fashion.  She's built like twiggy and can still wear her little sister's size 5 shorts/skorts -- and tries to.  Even though we talk about appropriate dress for the occasion, it doesn't seem to register.  She's 9...so the conversations will be on going.   For her, we use the school's "finger tip rule" -- mostly because we do a lot of things on base and often at the school.  It's an easy standard to enforce for going out.  Around the house, it's more about not having undergarments show.  She takes after my dad, who would have no problem walking around the house buck-naked if he wanted to.  :p

 

I do not have a rule against 2 pieces, but oldest dd hates them (most of them look downright awful on her anyway), Blondie loves them (mostly the tankini-style, or those with boy-shorts, as she likes to be active.

 

I'm averse to using the term modesty when it comes to dress -- modesty is more of a heart-issue.  Appropriate dress is more of an external, social issue and imo, also includes why one desires to dress a certain way.  Those discussions about clothing are mostly why do you like this style?  What message do you think it sends?  How do you feel when you wear this?  Where would you wear that?  "It makes me feel good" is not a complete answer, I would follow up with "Why does it make you feel good?"  The answer to that in my day would have been (if I'm honest), I think I look sexy, and the boys will notice me more.  And THAT is not why we should be picking out clothes.  PonyGirl dresses for herself, and her comfort...I have a feeling Blondie will be more like me in wanting to get male attention.  Thankfully, we have a few more years to keep talking through appropriate dress, dressing for yourself, and talking about having boys as friends.  But that one...she's boy crazy and was born that way.

[kitten18]

I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!!

ETA: how funny that I woke up thinking of you and we posted at the same time!!!! Just read your response above. Your dh is trying hard not to let her be "another teenager", and feel they dress inappropriately... totally agree with him. Will pray for you all :)

This whole post is so over the top rude and inflammatory that I don't even know where to start. Ugh.

[bettyandbob]

My dd (18) has always chosen clothing a lot more conservative than dh and I would raise concern about. I have doubts dh would be concerned about anything, but that might be because this child has never been amongst questionable decision-making. So we actually don't on w what dad's limit is.

 

Example. Dd loves the beach. I am not opposed to two piece swimsuits, as long as what's worn is functional. We actually play at the beach so we need clothing that stays on. Dd wears two pieces visibly--rash guard and board shorts, she has two more pieces under that (sports bra type top and full coverage bottoms). She's the only teen I ever see more covered up than her mother at the beach.

 

Clothing is one thing we've avoid arguing about.

[bettyandbob]

This whole post is so over the top rude and inflammatory that I don't even know where to start. Ugh.

Agree.

 

Even though my dd dresses pretty modestly, I can't stand dictating what constitutes modesty.

 

Putting so much emphasis on modesty has a way of objectifying women.

[Murphy101]

I guess I'm an outsider. We don't have any clothing issues whatsoever here. Not with my boys ages 4-21 and not with my girls ages 7- 15.

 

If anything, I'm going in the other direction with my girls. My oldest is very tomboy, like I was/am, and I don't mind that per se. But I do try to work with her to feel comfortable in her womanhood so to speak. I think going from showing everything to wearing only baggy sweat shirts bc they are self conscious about their body is not good either.

 

But physical criticism is very rare here so it's usually not taken as some personal affront. If anyone in my house told anyone else that their clothing choice wasn't appropriate in some way - they'd likely presume good will and just go change.

 

I think the most recent was I asked my daughter to please where more of her rather extensive wardrobe than the two favorite tshirts paired with either her fav yoga pants or jeans. There's nothing wrong with those items, but geez. Whole wardrobe. Use it.

 

But sure, if it looks cute I let them wear it. But then again, I don't think boobs or butt peaking out looks cute, so I'm confused as to why cute clothes are not okay.

 

Our general rules are rather simple. Can she receive Eucharist in it without flashing the priest boob or flashing undies to the pews when she bends. If so, we're good to go. For my oldest, I'd be shocked if she wore a dress above the knee or any top that didn't cover as much as a tshirt. It's just not her style. It's taken me a couple years to convince her to wear a knee length dress.

 

Idk. We buy all her clothes, but she goes with us and I get really cranky about buying stuff that isn't going to be worn. (See above request to please wear more of her wardrobe.)

 

It is frustrating to shop bc the clothing for girls is just freakin stupid. I get ticked off bc of sizing crap. Why would she need a size 2-4 in "skinny jeans" with "butt lift" ?! What kind of message is that sending to young girls?

 

Dear girls everywhere: There's nothing wrong with you. If you are healthy, then your butt is just fine. And you are skinny enough. You don't need to be thinking of looking slimmer. You might need to think of being healthier. These two are not the same thing! For goodness sake, find some regular boot cut jeans, a pair of kick ass boots and go eat a cheeseburger. If you are 15 years old, 5'8" with 34" 28" 32" measurements and the only clothes you can find that fit you say things like "skinny" and "slimming" and claim they are a size "large"? It's not just you sweetie. That's total bs. You're gorgeous and screw the industry for screwing with the mind of young girls with that crazy crap.

 

Yesterday I was shopping for jeans for my NINE year old and they had "skinny jeans" - just??? Wth?! Are they trying to get little girls to look good for pedos or what?!

 

^this is what my daughters and dh and I get frustrated and angry about wrt to clothing for our girls.

 

As for not enticing boys. Boys have brains. They are expected to use them in this house.

 

And seriously. I'm 40 something and have had 10 children. Didn't matter if I was 110lb and buck naked or 200lb pregnant in a moomoo - somehow my dh was still enticed and able to imagine all kinds of things. A lot. And at my best I've never been beautiful. I have no idea how I managed to birth daughters who are ridiculously more beautiful than I could have ever hoped to be, but given what I've come to understand of sexuality - I'm pretty sure they could wear burkas and still entice men.

[Mimm]

We don't have that struggle here. My husband mostly lets me police our children's clothes. He has only commented a couple times. My daughters and I don't clash. I feel my standards are fairly reasonable and they seem to agree. We have one going to public school where the girls dress immodestly, according to her (I've seen some of this as well at pick up and drop off). Brightly colored bras with see through shirts, and huge arm holes. Extremely short skirts that show off panties. Bare bellies, bare backs, strapless shirts. These are all against dress code, but the dress code isn't enforced. Not all the girls dress this way of course, but a few do.

 

Then we have one kid homeschooled and attending a co-op that thinks girls are responsible for not making boys sin with their slutty shoulders. :glare:  (I exaggerate, but still, the attitude there is pretty bad and each year the list of rules gets longer.) Our family feels caught in the middle here, with very different values and messages. Modesty issues are talked about around here in terms of respecting yourself, the image you want to present, what's appropriate for the occasion, etc. My public schooled kid is actually more judgmental about what kids (both boys and girls) wear than my home schooled kid (to the point where she's said some offensive things that she certainly didn't get from home and we had to have discussions about that).  My kids have never been the type that wanted to push boundaries on this. They come to me frequently asking, "Is this ok? How does this look?" We also aren't terribly strict. They're allowed to wear leggings (with long shirts), tight jeans, tank tops, shortish skirts, etc.

[Mergath]

I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!!

ETA: how funny that I woke up thinking of you and we posted at the same time!!!! Just read your response above. Your dh is trying hard not to let her be "another teenager", and feel they dress inappropriately... totally agree with him. Will pray for you all :)

 

:001_rolleyes:  What a depressing world you must live in, if you honestly think that every teenage girl you see wearing trendy, somewhat revealing clothes is a drunken heroin addict on the way to her abortion appointment.

[bibiche]

:001_rolleyes: What a depressing world you must live in, if you honestly think that every teenage girl you see wearing trendy, somewhat revealing clothes is a drunken heroin addict on the way to her abortion appointment.

You forgot to mention how that strung-out whore is tempting the good Christian husbands and sons on her way to the clinic. Also the sanctimonious smiley face. :)

[Joker]

I must live in one of the most boring places on earth. Teens here are mostly t-shirts and jeans. My only complaint for teen girls here are the leggings as pants thing but that's really just my issue. It's not a big deal and neither of my teen dds even own a pair of leggings. They like their jeans and tees. Youngest does like wearing skirts and dresses here and there but not frequently and there's nothing wrong with any of them she owns. Sometimes we actually have disagreement on things that are modest but my dds think they are not and aren't comfortable in them. We actually don't use the term modest but dds just say they are uncomfortable in something.

 

When we lived in Florida we did see more short shorts and tanks but I never thought the girls looked trashy or anything. It was crazy hot and humid there and I never thought twice about dds' friends who would show a bit of their bellies, backs, legs, or arms. They all looked fine and had everything covered that should be covered.

 

Dh has never said anything about dds' clothing choices and he's a very involved, hands on dad.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Joker

[fairfarmhand]

My dd showed me this video. I kinda liked it.

 

 

We did have some battles early on, not because we're focused on modesty, but because she was young and trying to figure out what worked for her body type, That's what frustrates me about so many modesty "rules." With a different body type, some things are totally not okay.

 

So for us, my dd is active and busy.

 

So prom dresses= no strapless. She's rather busty and wants to dance. She's been to weddings and parties where she's noticed ladies continually pulling up the top of their dresses and that's just tacky. So we find something that won't fall down when she moves.

 

We wear long tanks under certain shirst because nobody wants to see back/crack. We wear tanks so when she bends over so people aren't flashed.

 

Skirts---when you cross your legs, what shows? When you bend over, what shows?

 

Our definition is not just Does this look cute when I'm standing in front of hte mirror? but also, How does this look when I move like most normal people move?

 

I focus less on "modesty" or "messages we send to guys" as I do on what looks lovely. What works for the activity. What portrays respect for those around me and for my own body. What's comfortable without having to be constantly tugging. What won't be distracting to others. (Guys and girls because too much of anything showing is distracting to everyone) What will help others take me seriously as an intelligent woman.  And here's my biggie: What is flattering? Because many styles, while they are stylish, just aren't flattering to most body types.

[Mergath]

You forgot to mention how that strung-out whore is tempting the good Christian husbands and sons on her way to the clinic. Also the sanctimonious smiley face. :)

 

Yes! I'll pray for the little trollops.

 

On a related note, my 7yo dd was wearing jeggings and a halter top the other day. I suppose I'd better start pricing rehab centers and abortion providers.

[Murphy101]

I think the worst thing I've seen a teen girl wear is the time a girl wore black sweatpants to church and the butt had pink glitter letters saying "Spank me" across it.

 

Give me tank tops and skirts over that any day.

 

Also, for boys, I despise those shirts and wrist bands that say, "save the ta-tas/boobies". To hell with the boobs. It's not about boobs. It's about saving a woman's LIFE.

[Mimm]

I am a little shocked, but at the same time not surprised at the responses here. But I get it, it's the society we live in. "If it feels good, do it! If it's cute...wear it! We are free to do our heart desires...".... NO, NO, NO!!! God bless your husband for trying to have a say in the matter (and bummer he came around on bikinis and short shorts...). I don't care how " fashionable" your husband is, but it sounds like his heart is in the right place. Yours is too, you said it in your OP, you understand we have to dress in a way that honors God, but you don't know where that leaves teenagers?? What??? So, just because they are teenagers just get a "free pass" and dress however they want to, and just hope some day she comes to her senses and magically learns and goes back to dress in a God honoring way?? It is YOUR responsibility as a mom to model and guide her in that direction!!! Do you really want your daughter to "go with the flow" and dress fashionably because "all other girls do it"? Guess what, a lot of those girls are having sex at a young age, having abortions, drinking, doing drugs etc etc...you want her following that too?? Because she's a teenager " she can chose"??? NO!!! Yes, it is draining, and exhausting to teach your kids the right thing. But just because it's draining you don't give up and don't stop doing it. You don't have to be "in the middle" between her and your husband...you need to take his advice and his lead, be in the same front with him, and guide her accordingly. Your husband doesn't want her to "dress like that"... God bless his heart for worrying and caring about it! Some folks mentioned that they allow their kids to dress accordingly to the event, and they got to chose depending on the event...so if your dd decides to go to a party where everywhere will be dressed immodestly, then you just want her to follow?? Really??? You seemed very against a "modesty debate". Modesty IS something beautiful, and by steering away from it you are depriving your daughter from the beauty of it. Nothing wrong in teaching our daughters to not show their entire bodies to the world!! You mentioned you didn't care how much she showed to the world? What??? If you don't care, then who cares??? In another thread someone had asked how much were we talked about relationships when we were growing up, and sadly many of us weren't at all. Modesty is another of those " touchy" subjects, but just because it's touchy it doesn't mean you just let it go. Will pray for you. Your daughter will be impacted, in a positive or negative way, depending very much so in your approach to motherhood. Have a blessed day!!

ETA: how funny that I woke up thinking of you and we posted at the same time!!!! Just read your response above. Your dh is trying hard not to let her be "another teenager", and feel they dress inappropriately... totally agree with him. Will pray for you all :)

 

What a completely horrible post. This is exactly what's wrong with "Christian" modesty and as a Christian, I want to go on record at being completely offended by it. Making assumptions about people being on drugs and getting abortions and so on just because they're dressing in a particular way is just awful behavior. I'm much more concerned with the attitudes you're teaching your daughter than what anyone on this thread is allowing their child to wear.

[hopskipjump]

My dds are taught to wear things appropriate for the venue (unless they are intending to make a statement of some sort...). If you're going to be sitting on stage, for instance, you wear pants or a long skirt so that people aren't forced to stare up your skirt (ew). If you're at an event that involves a lot of activity/getting on the floor/etc - you don't wear low-rise jeans or a low-cut shirt (because that would be inconvenient for *her*). If you're at a conservative homeschool meeting at a church, you don't wear your tiny cutoff shorts or a halter top. If it's an interview... you dress like it is an interview, not a pool party. :p

 

Beyond that - no rules are set here. Haven't ever needed to. Their closets are full of halter and midriff tops, skinny jeans/jeggings/leggings, short-shorts, bikinis, and short dresses. There are also flannel button-down shirts, boyfriend jeans, huge sweatshirts, rash guards/swim coverups, and maxi dresses with matching sweaters. And they look adorable.

 

We HAVE, however, talked a LOT about how people view you and form an opinion the instant they set eyes on you - and how, most often, that opinion is difficult to sway after-the-fact. Hence the "appropriate for the venue" lessons.

 

DH has only mentioned one time that something dd was wearing was inappropriate. She'd flown out of state for an interview a couple years ago, and she wore jeans that were designed to look "slightly worn" and had some tiny tears/worn spots. She'd PACKED all very nice, appropriate clothes, but I didn't think about the jeans when we headed to the airport. When dh saw her pictures from the airport, he mentioned that next time, we should probably make sure she was wearing "clean-cut" pants for something like that - and we have paid attention to her "airport wardrobe" from that point on. And that's the only time he's said anything other than, "You look lovely," to either dd. :001_wub:

 

I believe that girls-who-are-thirsty-for-attention dress the way they do for a myriad of reasons. If I felt either of my dds fell into that category, we'd tackle a lot of issues... clothing-choice being pretty low on the list of things to work through first.

 

 

 

Also, for boys, I despise those shirts and wrist bands that say, "save the ta-tas/boobies". To hell with the boobs. It's not about boobs. It's about saving a woman's LIFE.

 

amen to that. Ugh. One of my biggest pet peeves ever. :ack2:

[Tsuga]

I have two rules:

 

1. If you will be in front of an audience that didn't choose to be there (i.e. people there to see a band concert, graduation of another kid, family obligations, a funeral, a wedding) then keep your underwear to yourself. You are not two. Do whatever you want in the club or at the mall but there are places people don't choose to be so have a little respect, please.

 

2. Nudity carries hygienic risks so there are communities for that.

 

(1) actually did come up with my step-daughter. Her dress, that she wanted to wear to promotion (one of those social "not everyone really is choosing to look at you" things) would show her underwear if she bent over. Her dad thought it was provocative, her mom thought it was not Christian, I just said I do not want to see anybody's underwear!

 

And the same goes for boys. Sag your jeans all you want when hanging out at the mall. Fine. Provided you aren't nude. But that grandma at the wedding has to be at that wedding so just pull up your pants. Style is sometimes trumped by privacy.

 

(OTOH I have zero issue with leggings which, to me, are not underwear or pajamas... but to some they are actually underwear. So, that is why I wouldn't wear them to graduation, a wedding, etc. etc. I will, however, wear them to the grocery store, where you are free to wear your micro-mini or your saggy pants.)

 

(Also, I wear mini-skirts. But not to weddings or funerals or my daughter's 8th grade promotion.)

Edited March 3, 2016 by Tsuga

[Murphy101]

I could go the rest of my life never hearing about "modesty" again and be quite content with how my daughters turn out.

 

It's never actually about modesty. It's about shaming women for their bodies and blaming them for what men do to them and what other women convince them they deserve.

 

Don't even get me started about this comparing a daughters "modesty" to an iPad meme going around FB.

 

It's goes like this:

 

A girl bought an iPad, when her father saw it, He asked her "What was the 1st thing you did when you bought it?

 

"I put an anti-scratch sticker on the screen and bought a cover for the iPad" she replied.

 

"Did someone force you to do so?" "No" "Don't you think it's an insult to the manufacturer?" "No dad! In fact they even recommend using a cover for the iPad"

 

"Did you cover it because it was cheap & ugly?"

 

"Actually, I covered it because I didn't want it to get damage and decrease in value."

 

"When you put the cover on, didn't it reduce the iPad's beauty?"

 

"I think it looks better and it is worth it for the protection it gives my iPad."

 

The father looked lovingly at his daughter and said, "Yet if I had asked you to cover your body which is much more precious than the iPad, would you have readily agreed???"

 

She was mute.....

 

Indecent dressing and exposure of your body reduces your value and respect.

NO.

 

Because she is not an inanimate object to be bought and sold. And clothing does not protect her from the evils of the world or guarantee her a damn thing wrt to how people will treat her.

 

The value of any LIFE, any PERSON, has nothing whatsoever to do with their clothing. They could be butt ugly and homeless in rags and the ONLY response to them should still be, "You are of the highest value. Your life is worth something."

 

And no amount of clothing ever seems to be able to cover when someone is showing their ass.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Murphy101

[Haiku]

The way she would like to dress is very typical teen; it's just that dh thinks "typical teen" is not modest. 

 

FWIW, I agree with your husband. I used to be appalled on a regular basis by what the girls at my dd's high school wore (or didn't wear, as the case may be) to school ... an environment in which you are supposed to be focusing on learning.

 

The school would not institute uniforms because the kids did internships and college classes, and they didn't want to mark them out as high school students. Ok, fine, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with requiring "business casual." If you want your students out doing adult things in the adult world, have adult expectations of them. The school wouldn't institute a dress code, but they regularly sent girls home for what they were wearing and constantly harangued parents with emails and handouts about making sure our kids dressed appropriately. Talk about a lot of hand-wringing and not providing strong leadership and guidance!

 

If I take my (then) 8-year-old son to my dd's school, I don't want him to ask me, "Mom, why are that girl's underpants not covering her butt?" (And he did ask. And they weren't. And he wasn't lying on the floor looking up her skirt. Do people really think this is a reasonable way to dress?)

 

Here's my take: we call them "private parts" for a reason. They are private, and we get to have control over who touches and sees them. The flip side of that is that I should not have to see your private parts unless I want to. With freedom comes responsibility. 

 

I would not be ok with a girl or woman going around in running pants. If I can see the outline of your labia, you are showing too much. 

[Pen]

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate all the different wisdom and perspectives. I think dd dresses to be cool/cute for both guys and girls. I don't think this is wrong -- it's pretty normal to discover around this age that you possess a certain power that has to do with your body. Dd is tall and blonde; she is a runner and has a build that attracts attention (regardless of how she's dressed). I think there is a collision of her realizing this and enjoying it, and dh fighting anxiety about his no-longer-little girl navigating the world of male attraction/interest. She doesn't want to let her b*obs hang out or dress "trashy" -- she just has a different standard for what is too tight, too short, etc. The way she would like to dress is very typical teen; it's just that dh thinks "typical teen" is not modest. (For example, she is fine with wearing running tights around as pants; dh is not.)

 

Anyway, thanks again for the input! 

 

 

I agree that "typical teen" isn't modest. But so far as I can tell, that seems true for whatever the fashion is at least in the era that I have had awareness from miniskirts to skinny jeans. I think I even recall a scene in Ann of Green Gables that pertained to the amount of puff in a sleeve being of great importance.

 

I would say that is just part of what teens do--OTOH, equally, opposing that is often just part of what parents do.

 

 

To me, "I may not like it, but it's your body, not mine" is the usual situation in regard to teen fashion, from my POV. But if it IS my body--in my case, say, I get terrible migraines from fragrance exposure, so that if ds wanted to get into cologne, that would be MY body involved, that is another matter.  If your dd's clothing, say running tights as pants, is causing your dh to be aroused or something like that, then that is HIS body, and a different issue to be considered.

 

 

In any case though, I think you should be taking your own position if you think cute/cool is fine, rather than trying to mediate from a center position as between your dd and dh, if it  is not the actual position you believe in yourself.

 

My position is colored by my own childhood and teens having been dominated by being forced to dress in a way that was totally uncool for the times, most of the time, and I think it was harmful. Also part of that time I was at a parochial school with an extremely 'modest" if not downright dowdy dress code, and it did not stop there being a lot of teen pregnancies. If anything it almost seemed like the austere clothing made some of the girls want to prove that they were not as prudish as the clothes made it appear. 

[mamiof5]

Wow, this is a very passionate response. For the record, I did not say I don't care how much she shows the world; I said the exact opposite: "I'm also not of the "whatever, I don't care how much of your body you show to the world" mindset." Maybe the double negative made it confusing.

 

When I said I didn't want a modesty debate, I meant that I didn't want to get into the nitty-gritty of "this is modest, this isn't" because we all have different standards. I wanted input on navigating family relationships when there are different opinions on those standards.

 

Your post is extremely self-righteous and you make many assumptions about my (poor) parenting. I am fully aware of my role as a mom to model and guide, thank you. You say "just because she's a teenager, she can choose?" thing. Yes, I absolutely do believe that teenagers should get more choice as they get older. She is going to be out on her own soon and my goal is to teach her how to make decisions for herself, not to continue laying down the law in the exact same way I did when she was a toddler. My goal isn't that she exactly emulate all of my opinions; it's that she spread her wings and experience a life and walk with God of her own. I believe the Holy Spirit leads everyone uniquely, including my children. If I don't let Him do that, I am forcing them into a life of legalistic conformity. That's not the gospel.

 

Your smiley face, promise of prayers for me, and "have a blessed day" do not make a rude post more Christian, by the way.

I apologize if I came across as judgmental. Yes, I am very passionate in the topic, since there is inappropriate clothing out there for girls as early as 4,5,6 yr olds. Skinny, tight jeans since young, etc etc. So yes, I am very passionate in the subject. Even if I have no idea who you are, I could relate since we have an oldest daughter, and younger ones as well. I totally understand that a teenager gets more freedom than a toddler, but I also know the importance of parental guidance, and just because they hit certain ages it doesn't mean they don't need that strong guidance any longer. And, by the way, when I use a smile or promise a prayer, I mean it and follow through to pray for such person or family...it is not used as a way to "cover" my rudeness like you assumed. I have benefitted from others praying for us, and I like to do that for others. Perhaps this is a topic in which you are kind of lukewarm in the topic, kind of in the middle type of thing (dh standards are too much, but you are also not 100% sure of dd style). Maybe you were looking for responses to validate that in-between position... sorry my response did not do that for you. Maybe all the responses here is something you could share with your husband and decide what will work for your family. The best of luck finding the best dress for your dd, it's not easy

[Wheres Toto]

.  She's built like twiggy and can still wear her little sister's size 5 shorts/skorts -- and tries to.  Even though we talk about appropriate dress for the occasion, it doesn't seem to register.  She's 9...so the conversations will be on going.   For her, we use the school's "finger tip rule" -- mostly because we do a lot of things on base and often at the school.  It's an easy standard to enforce for going out.  Around the house, it's more about not having undergarments show.  She takes after my dad, who would have no problem walking around the house buck-naked if he wanted to.   :p

 

 

 

This made me laugh and also reminded me of a picture I have on my cell phone.  My 5'8" busty/curvy but very muscular, long-legged dancer 21 year old has this habit of squeezing into her 4'6" 11 year old brothers clothes.  First it was a pair of Perry the Platypus fleece pj pants and most recent Pikachu one piece pj's (it's actually a cosplay outfit but it's the one piece pj's with a hood that are so popular now).  Both times it was a case of "ooooh, I want those" followed by a comment that she'd never fit into them, then she'd prove she could.  

 

She certainly didn't wear them out but, thanks to the stretchiness of fleece, she did get them on.  :lol:

[Rebel Yell]

What a completely horrible post. This is exactly what's wrong with "Christian" modesty and as a Christian, I want to go on record at being completely offended by it. Making assumptions about people being on drugs and getting abortions and so on just because they're dressing in a particular way is just awful behavior. I'm much more concerned with the attitudes you're teaching your daughter than what anyone on this thread is allowing their child to wear.

 

:iagree:

[Rebel Yell]

Wow, this is a very passionate response. For the record, I did not say I don't care how much she shows the world; I said the exact opposite: "I'm also not of the "whatever, I don't care how much of your body you show to the world" mindset." Maybe the double negative made it confusing. 

 

When I said I didn't want a modesty debate, I meant that I didn't want to get into the nitty-gritty of "this is modest, this isn't" because we all have different standards. I wanted input on navigating family relationships when there are different opinions on those standards. 

 

Your post is extremely self-righteous and you make many assumptions about my (poor) parenting. I am fully aware of my role as a mom to model and guide, thank you. You say "just because she's a teenager, she can choose?" thing. Yes, I absolutely do believe that teenagers should get more choice as they get older. She is going to be out on her own soon and my goal is to teach her how to make decisions for herself, not to continue laying down the law in the exact same way I did when she was a toddler. My goal isn't that she exactly emulate all of my opinions; it's that she spread her wings and experience a life and walk with God of her own. I believe the Holy Spirit leads everyone uniquely, including my children. If I don't let Him do that, I am forcing them into a life of legalistic conformity. That's not the gospel.

 

Your smiley face, promise of prayers for me, and "have a blessed day" do not make a rude post more Christian, by the way. 

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

 

[mamiof5]

:001_rolleyes: What a depressing world you must live in, if you honestly think that every teenage girl you see wearing trendy, somewhat revealing clothes is a drunken heroin addict on the way to her abortion appointment.

You are wrong, I actually live in a very happy world. From other threads I have also wondered about your world, and I know that what gives me happiness is definitely not what gives you happiness. I realize we are different, and that's OK. But please don't go making assumptions of my world, like I refrain from openly making assumptions about yours.

[Rebel Yell]

We don't have that struggle here. My husband mostly lets me police our children's clothes. He has only commented a couple times. My daughters and I don't clash. I feel my standards are fairly reasonable and they seem to agree. We have one going to public school where the girls dress immodestly, according to her (I've seen some of this as well at pick up and drop off). Brightly colored bras with see through shirts, and huge arm holes. Extremely short skirts that show off panties. Bare bellies, bare backs, strapless shirts. These are all against dress code, but the dress code isn't enforced. Not all the girls dress this way of course, but a few do.

 

Then we have one kid homeschooled and attending a co-op that thinks girls are responsible for not making boys sin with their slutty shoulders. :glare:  (I exaggerate, but still, the attitude there is pretty bad and each year the list of rules gets longer.) Our family feels caught in the middle here, with very different values and messages. Modesty issues are talked about around here in terms of respecting yourself, the image you want to present, what's appropriate for the occasion, etc. My public schooled kid is actually more judgmental about what kids (both boys and girls) wear than my home schooled kid (to the point where she's said some offensive things that she certainly didn't get from home and we had to have discussions about that).  My kids have never been the type that wanted to push boundaries on this. They come to me frequently asking, "Is this ok? How does this look?" We also aren't terribly strict. They're allowed to wear leggings (with long shirts), tight jeans, tank tops, shortish skirts, etc.

 

Ugh- Homeschool co-ops! The ONLY times my girls have ever had issues with clothing were regarding the vague nebulous dress code at our former co-op. In brief, pretty girls with bazzooms could not wear anything modest enough. Chubby (but not primarily busty) girls were ignored, and skinny/undeveloped girls could wear almost anything.

 

Edit to add: And nothing for the boys, except that they were not allowed to wear earrings. :glare:

 

Best quote from a mom there: (who, BTW also had daughters) "I don't want my boys looking at YOUR girls." I almost bit my tongue off resisting telling her that HER boys were pretty much the last ones on earth that my girls wanted to have looking at them anyway. :ack2:

 

Anyway, for the OP:  My 3 girls have very different figure types. All-over thin, busty, and "Baby Got Back". They wear what they like. None of them specifically try to overemphasize any particular body part, but sometimes, due to their build- you can't help but notice their figure. Not a big deal.

 

I will say that some of the most damage was done to their self-esteem and our relationship was when I was trying to fit in to that "modesty" mindset. NOTHING was ever long enough, covered enough, unattractive enough.

 

Oh, and for the record: my two who have boyfriends first "attracted" their attention in some of their LEAST "attractive" clothes. Sweats/t-shirts at Volleyball or messy and sweaty in workout clothes after dance class, or "junk" clothes for an outdoor snow/muddy youth group event- both with no/minimal make-up. One dresses up WAY more to go out with her girl friends.

 

So unless something one of the girls wants to wear is completely inappropriate for the weather, occasion, etc. they can wear what they like. DH has not had any problems with what they wanted to wear.

 

Edited March 3, 2016 by Rebel Yell

[MeghansMom]

I apologize if I came across as judgmental. Yes, I am very passionate in the topic, since there is inappropriate clothing out there for girls as early as 4,5,6 yr olds. Skinny, tight jeans since young, etc etc. So yes, I am very passionate in the subject. Even if I have no idea who you are, I could relate since we have an oldest daughter, and younger ones as well. I totally understand that a teenager gets more freedom than a toddler, but I also know the importance of parental guidance, and just because they hit certain ages it doesn't mean they don't need that strong guidance any longer. And, by the way, when I use a smile or promise a prayer, I mean it and follow through to pray for such person or family...it is not used as a way to "cover" my rudeness like you assumed. I have benefitted from others praying for us, and I like to do that for others. Perhaps this is a topic in which you are kind of lukewarm in the topic, kind of in the middle type of thing (dh standards are too much, but you are also not 100% sure of dd style). Maybe you were looking for responses to validate that in-between position... sorry my response did not do that for you. Maybe all the responses here is something you could share with your husband and decide what will work for your family. The best of luck finding the best dress for your dd, it's not easy

 

FWIW, I did not take what you said as some others took it. I do not see a parallel from being modest and the opposite being a slut getting multiple abortions. My daughter will be 13 this year and so far we are in consensus on her clothes and mine. Shorts where the crotch is longer than the leg openings even on little girls is totally inappropriate imo.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly I feel like things are better now than in the early 2000's when my oldest was a teen. The style then was very low cut bootleg jeans and belly showing shirts, at least where we lived. The trouble with this look was not just the fact that some of the belly shirts showed the girl's bra with normal movement, or most of the girl's fanny when she sat down, but it was soooo unattractive. This look didn't do any body type a favor. I remember a woman on the old boards had a thriving business making dresses at home because it was so hard to buy conservative styles. I knew a couple of women in Portland who made serious bank making home made clothes for tweens at that time also. The stores were full of junk.

 

My oldest and I went around about these styles because they were just sooo ugly and she was a solid 20lb overweight and looked awful with flab hanging out of a belly shirt and "muffin top" sticking out of her jeans. The problem was solved when she over heard some boys talking about girls wearing these clothes and she "saw" how she looked to other people. After that enlightening day she stayed covered up. It wasn't so much a modesty issue as one of simply looking nice with me though. Even overweight she was such a pretty girl and I liked her to look nice.

 

My now 16yo wears very form fitting clothes, she looks great in them. It bothers her father a little, he doesn't like people having "thoughts" about his youngest girl, but he understands that she is not dressing to stir men up, she is dressing to look good to her peer group and feel good about herself.

[Guest]

I have not read any replies yet. It does not seem to me that your struggle is with your DD as much as it is with Papa Bear. The exhausting part is trying to find a middle ground and mediate between them; it's not inherently a problem because she wants to dress cute and in style and he wants her dressing in a way that is perceived as weirdly puritanical to her/her social circle.

 

I may have just been lucky but I have zero issues with the clothing DD wants to wear. Her standards on shorts and skirt length is equally conservative to mine. She wears "normal" shorts, but she will not buy the super shorts that actually show "cheek", or skirts that she knows would be so much anxiety to wear because one cannot bend, sit or cross one's legs comfortably covered. She did not own a "regular" bikini until she was 16-17. (Before then, if it was two-piece, it was tankini and skirted.- her choice.)

 

Personally, I think the bigger an issue your DH makes about the clothing choices, the more likely she will be to push the envelope on choosing something sexy and revealing.

 

P.S. I do feel like I was lucky with school dance attire because my kid went to a Christian private school and dance attire had some dress code in place. It made it easy to reject certain styles because it was code. I loved it because she always had beautiful, classy dresses with adequate coverage.

[Pen]

 

 

I would not be ok with a girl or woman going around in running pants. If I can see the outline of your labia, you are showing too much. 

 

 

Girls and women going around in running pants is a common look in my area. I've never noticed the outline of anyone's labia. I guess if that is what shows when girls and women dress that way it must be that I don't look that closely. I grew up taught that one does not focus one's eyes on anyone's crotch unless in an intimate relationship with that person, or for medical reasons, or something like that--not in normal everyday situations. Generally I was taught that one is supposed to be looking at the face of another person.

 

Do most moms and dads and other people --but I am guessing that most people reading this would be a mom or dad on these forums-- focus their eyes on girls' (or guys' for that matter) crotches these days? Guess I'm behind the times on that one. Good to know.

[goldberry]

I always thought girls and women dressed for other people until I had DD. I confess, I even looked down on girls that I thought were "so superficial!"  

 

DD is a total fashionista.  We homeschool and she comes out of her room in an "outfit" every day.  I can say, "You know we're not going anywhere?"  She laughs and says, "I know!"  She is an amazingly caring person and also a super math/science whiz.  I feel embarrassed now at how judgmental I was.

 

She really does wear what makes her feel good.  We have had more problems with event appropriateness than modesty - unwieldy heels, overdressing for casual affairs, etc.

[Pen]

I have not read any replies yet. It does not seem to me that your struggle is with your DD as much as it is with Papa Bear. 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree. 

[kitten18]

Girls and women going around in running pants is a common look in my area. I've never noticed the outline of anyone's labia. I guess if that is what shows when girls and women dress that way it must be that I don't look that closely. I grew up taught that one does not focus one's eyes on anyone's crotch unless in an intimate relationship with that person, or for medical reasons, or something like that--not in normal everyday situations. Generally I was taught that one is supposed to be looking at the face of another person.

 

Do most moms and dads and other people --but I am guessing that most people reading this would be a mom or dad on these forums-- focus their eyes on girls' (or guys' for that matter) crotches these days? Guess I'm behind the times on that one. Good to know.

I see at least a dozen women every day out and about in yoga pants/running tights. I've never seen the outline of anyone's labia. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

[Haiku]

Do most moms and dads and other people --but I am guessing that most people reading this would be a mom or dad on these forums-- focus their eyes on girls' (or guys' for that matter) crotches these days? Guess I'm behind the times on that one. Good to know.

 

Oh good grief. My daughter used to try to wear them, and yes, I could see the outline of her crotch quite clearly. I do not go around focusing on other people's crotches, but neither do I want my kids going out in something that outlines their crotches ... and yes, if they are my kids, I will notice.

 

Thanks for all the implications that I'm a perv, though.

 

ETA: I was annoyed when I posted this response because I thought your post was rude. (I still do.) It seems to be saying, basically, "I was raised not to stare at people's crotches. Guess you weren't. Guess you have no grasp of basic social etiquette."

 

I do NOT go around staring at people's crotches, but, ya know, sometimes I run into people who are wearing something so extreme that I can't help but notice. I do not think I am the only person this happens to. I have seen more than I would care to see of people in skin-tight (and it's called skin-tight for a reason) attire that shows every curve. Personally, I don't think that's acceptable, and it's simply because I don't want to see someone's genitals clearly outlined. I don't think I'm unusual in that, honestly.

Edited March 3, 2016 by TaraTheLiberator

[J-rap]

My dh was probably stricter about it than I was.  No, it's not because he has a patriarchal mentality at all.  Very much the opposite, in fact.  I would call him a pretty extreme feminist.  But he really wanted our children (yes, both boys and girls) to dress appropriately and not grow up thinking they had to show off their bodies to get attention, or use their bodies to get into the "in" crowd or get a guy, or whatever.  Sexuality is a complex thing. We wanted our children to be comfortable with it yet view it with the proper perspective too.  Our society tends to sexualize almost everything.  We wanted them to learn to have a self-confidence that didn't rely on that.  

 

But, our children were all pretty easy.  They never fought it; they just took it to the limit and were fine with that.  

 

Now that doesn't mean we wouldn't let them wear skinny jeans or or short skirts, but we would not have let them wear shirts that showed too much or that had the words "Naughty Girl" across the chest, or pants that showed too much when you leaned over, etc.  We did allow them to experiment with colors, styles, hair dyes, piercings, and tattoos.  

[Mimm]

I could go the rest of my life never hearing about "modesty" again and be quite content with how my daughters turn out.

 

It's never actually about modesty. It's about shaming women for their bodies and blaming them for what men do to them and what other women convince them they deserve.

 

Don't even get me started about this comparing a daughters "modesty" to an iPad meme going around FB.

 

It's goes like this:

 

NO.

 

Because she is not an inanimate object to be bought and sold. And clothing does not protect her from the evils of the world or guarantee her a damn thing wrt to how people will treat her.

 

The value of any LIFE, any PERSON, has nothing whatsoever to do with their clothing. They could be butt ugly and homeless in rags and the ONLY response to them should still be, "You are of the highest value. Your life is worth something."

 

And no amount of clothing ever seems to be able to cover when someone is showing their ass.

 

Someone on my Facebook posted that ipad story and it just made my stomach clench. "Indecent dressing and exposure of your body reduces your value" No. No no no no nooo. It breaks my heart that someone would teach that to a teenager. And the daughter was speechless. At her father's "wisdom" I'm sure. ;)

 

Am I the only one not policing what people wear? I mean, it has to be a little extreme before I notice it. There are moms at my co-op that go around tattling on the girls for having shirts or skirts that are just slightly too "wrong". How do I know? The leadership says they get a bunch of complaints and they "investigate" each one and frequently decide that the girl (it's always a girl) is dressed just fine so they don't say anything to her. So the moms at my co-op are literally tattling on girls who are dressed modestly enough for our rules but they think it might just be a tiny bit off and they try to get them in trouble. I can't begin to comprehend such behavior from a supposedly grown adult woman.

[The Girls' Mom]

The only real issue I've had with my girls is dressing appropriately for the occasion, and it really has only been with one child.  She's quirky, goes for comfort over looks every time, and basically wanted to dress like she pulled her clothes from a dumpster behind a men's store..lol.  (wrinkled, ill-fitting, shapeless, stained, etc., did not matter to her).  Now that she's working it has improved quite a bit.  Plus, she found her "style" in which she can be comfortable AND look nice.  (think bohemian librarian..lol).

 

Anyway.  My younger two would obviously be considered floozies by some here, even though I think they dress very respectably.  They prefer skinny jeans (which, btw are termed as such because of the slender cut of the leg, not because they are supposed to make you look skinny) and layered tops.  They have curves because they are shapely young women, and don't go to extremes to hide that they are shaped like women.  

 

I loved that double standard video someone posted earlier.  The whole extreme modesty thing sends the WRONG message to young men.  If they keep being told that they can't control their lustful eyes, then yes, they are going to hyper-focus on visual stimulation.  

[sassenach]

At some point, I decided that it wasn't my job to be the mediator between my kids and dh. I regularly send kids directly to dh over whatever they're griping about, and I occasionally have to tell dh that he needs to be the one to communicate a, b, or c.

 

This helps in a million ways. 1) I have been guilty of interpreting some restriction as harder on a kid than it actually is. Sometimes my reaction is stronger than theirs and in the end what I thought would be a big deal just isn't. 2) When he is overreacting, the relational strife is between him and the kid, which means he is made aware of it more quickly and clearly than if I was running interference. He often comes around to their point of view if it's a big enough deal to them. 3) Sometimes he's right. Something needs to be enforced and I don't see it as a big deal. He enforces it, and then later I realize that there was real wisdom in his decision.

 

 

[Murphy101]

I don't get why a parent would be arguing over what their kid is wearing. The parents are buying the clothing? Why did they buy clothing the kid of any age shouldn't be wearing?

 

I have seen the skinny jeans for elementary kids and the leg openings are shorter than the crotch shorts too and you know what? I do not buy them.

 

I have no idea what is the deal with running/yoga pants tight enough to outline privies. I have never seen that. The entire premise of those is that they are supposed to be uber comfy. Not make you feel like you have an atomic wedgie. Maybe someone is trying to fit into a pair they have outgrown? Idk. That's a stumper.

 

I don't care about leggings. They were popular when I was in middle school and high school too. Leggings are just the new yoga/running pants. An uber comfy pair of something to cover legs with and then toss on a tshirt or sweatshirt. Two of my oldest girls own exactly one pair each. Someone else bought them for them. It's not something I would normally spend limited funds on bc they tend to get holes really easy and we tend to be rough and tumble people. My oldest wears them like pajamas but my 9 year old would live in her's if I let her. I really don't care. It's not something that's going to spur a battle about virtues.

[Mom2Five]

I think by the time they are of that age where you feel you have to fight them, they just need to make their own choices. If you don't chances are they will be changing into whatever they want to wear in their car or a gas station bathroom anyway.

 

 

[Pen]

Oh good grief. My daughter used to try to wear them, and yes, I could see the outline of her crotch quite clearly. I do not go around focusing on other people's crotches, but neither do I want my kids going out in something that outlines their crotches ... and yes, if they are my kids, I will notice.

 

Thanks for all the implications that I'm a perv, though.

 

ETA: I was annoyed when I posted this response because I thought your post was rude. (I still do.) It seems to be saying, basically, "I was raised not to stare at people's crotches. Guess you weren't. Guess you have no grasp of basic social etiquette."

 

I do NOT go around staring at people's crotches, but, ya know, sometimes I run into people who are wearing something so extreme that I can't help but notice. I do not think I am the only person this happens to. I have seen more than I would care to see of people in skin-tight (and it's called skin-tight for a reason) attire that shows every curve. Personally, I don't think that's acceptable, and it's simply because I don't want to see someone's genitals clearly outlined. I don't think I'm unusual in that, honestly.

 

 

No, I think I truly am behind the times.  

 

I googled it after my post.  I wish I hadn't known about the new (or at least new to me) labia consciousness: http://www.deathandtaxesmag.com/268903/lululemon-labiaplasty-trend/  

  title:    Women are getting their labia chopped off so they can look ‘good’ in yoga pants

 

Sad. IMO.  But, I guess the surgery spares people from seeing someone's genitals clearly outlined.

 

 

ETA: And maybe the fashion trends like the plastic surgery trends in other parts of the country/world are more extreme than what I'm seeing too. So maybe your idea of "running pants" and my idea of that don't really mesh in the slightest.  Maybe if I saw what you are seeing I'd be shocked too. I don't know. I'm really  pretty flabbergasted by my new awareness of the labiaplasty trend, frankly.  And obviously if many people weren't looking at the crotch area there'd be no point.

 

 

Edited March 4, 2016 by Pen

[LibraryLover]

No. Even when she wears leggings as pants. It's not my fav- because it's like a uniform around here, but I get that it covers and is comfortable. Kind of boring in a way, but not inappropriate, imo.  I'm of the mindset that fathers should not be commenting on the clothing their dds wear in a way that seems embarrassing, or hints dad is even remotely thinking about butts or cleavage.  

 

Dads should say, "You look nice, dear", and leave it at that.  I see the teens wearing short- shorts, but they are so young and adorable.

 

 I can't abide slut-shaming, either.

Edited March 4, 2016 by LibraryLover

[HRAAB]

I don't get why a parent would be arguing over what their kid is wearing. The parents are buying the clothing? Why did they buy clothing the kid of any age shouldn't be wearing?

 

I have seen the skinny jeans for elementary kids and the leg openings are shorter than the crotch shorts too and you know what? I do not buy them.

 

 

This is a very good point that I hadn't considered.  Since I'm the one buying clothes, I don't buy items that I wouldn't let them wear.  By the time they're buying their own clothes, well, they're beyond me telling them what to wear.  Although all my three adult dds dress appropriate - according to me anyway.

[Joker]

Am I the only one whose dds are given large amounts of cash for birthdays and special occasions? I don't actually have to buy my dds many clothes anymore as grandparents, aunts, and uncles seem to take care of it. I guess I'm lucky that we still don't have many disagreements here (like the political shirt my almost 14 year old wore yesterday that I worried could be offensive to some but instead she received several thumbs ups and yeahs) but I can't rely on the idea that I'm the one buying it all. I actually want them to learn to make these decisions for themselves though.

[Haiku]

By the time they're buying their own clothes, well, they're beyond me telling them what to wear.

I don't think it's that simple. My oldest received (from extended family) close to $400 in Ab and Fitch gift cards for Christmas the year she was 14. Just because she had means to buy clothes independent from my purchasing them doesn't mean I can't still set guidelines for what my dh I and consider appropriate.

 

Two summers ago I volunteered at hospice camp. My oldest volunteered as a counselor one year for a camp for kids with medical conditions. In both instances, we observed young adult counsellors being redirected in their choice of clothing. These young people couldn't even go to work with young children without trying to dress in a revealing manner. If young people don't get it, then someone, imo, needs to clue them in. I'd rather do it as the parent before someone out in the world has to.

 

My dh had a college intern come to work in a tshirt that said "F*ck My Life." Who in their right mind thinks that is appropriate to wear to a corporate office?

[HRAAB]

Am I the only one whose dds are given large amounts of cash for birthdays and special occasions? I don't actually have to buy my dds many clothes anymore as grandparents, aunts, and uncles seem to take care of it. I guess I'm lucky that we still don't have many disagreements here (like the political shirt my almost 14 year old wore yesterday that I worried could be offensive to some but instead she received several thumbs ups and yeahs) but I can't rely on the idea that I'm the one buying it all. I actually want them to learn to make these decisions for themselves though.

 

No, my girls have never gotten large sums, at least not large enough to buy clothes, maybe an item or two.  $20 would be about tops.  They only have one grandmother living and aunts/uncles have never given birthday/Christmas gifts.  The family is too large.  They have received graduation gifts from aunts/uncles but I don't recall any of them spending it on clothes.  When mine start buying their own clothes, they're earning their own money.  I think our family is in the minority since most of their friends seem to get some pretty nice cash gifts.

[HRAAB]

I don't think it's that simple. My oldest received (from extended family) close to $400 in Ab and Fitch gift cards for Christmas the year she was 14. Just because she had means to buy clothes independent from my purchasing them doesn't mean I can't still set guidelines for what my dh I and consider appropriate.

 

Two summers ago I volunteered at hospice camp. My oldest volunteered as a counselor one year for a camp for kids with medical conditions. In both instances, we observed young adult counsellors being redirected in their choice of clothing. These young people couldn't even go to work with young children without trying to dress in a revealing manner. If young people don't get it, then someone, imo, needs to clue them in. I'd rather do it as the parent before someone out in the world has to.

 

My dh had a college intern come to work in a tshirt that said "F*ck My Life." Who in their right mind thinks that is appropriate to wear to a corporate office?

 

As I wrote in another post, my girls never got large enough sums of money that were able to go clothes shopping.  I meant by the time my girls are buying most of their own clothes, they're past the age where I'm telling them what they may wear. Even when they started shopping for themselves, I've never seen them wearing anything that I find inappropriate.  Honestly, I've never had issues with their dress, and it's not because I don't have standards.  I do.  That's one limit they've never tested.  For instance, my middle dd is working as an office assistant/history discussion leader in the high school she attended.  I never had to say a word to her about how to dress.  I did go shopping with her, and she asked my opinion on several outfits - not whether they were appropriate or not - just about color and style.

 

I absolutely believe parents have a right to set guidelines about dress for their own children.

 

I don't even know what to say about the intern in your dh's office.  Unbelievable.

[Murphy101]

Am I the only one whose dds are given large amounts of cash for birthdays and special occasions? I don't actually have to buy my dds many clothes anymore as grandparents, aunts, and uncles seem to take care of it. I guess I'm lucky that we still don't have many disagreements here (like the political shirt my almost 14 year old wore yesterday that I worried could be offensive to some but instead she received several thumbs ups and yeahs) but I can't rely on the idea that I'm the one buying it all. I actually want them to learn to make these decisions for themselves though.

Idk.

 

I know we don't and very few people I know do and I knew very few growing up who did. I worked full time in high school and I still didn't feel I had money to waste on clothes I didn't need. Dh was more spoiled in that regard than me but he didn't buy clothes with it either. Dh is an only and I might as well be, so there are no aunts and such to shower my kids with gifts. Dh's mom usually sends a $50 birthday gift card, if she rememebers, and spends about $150 each at Christmas, both of which I personally think is rather lavish and has always more than been enough for nice gifts. That's the only family my kids have other than each other and dh and I.

 

I don't think my kids have ever spent their cash gifts on clothing. Board games, video games, books, or just saved it. Two of them have never spent it. They just gave it away.

 

But even if it was their own money, we have a standing rule that this house is not a democracy. If we think they are doing something inappropriate and unacceptable, it's not going to be allowed here. It has never been an issue, it's just a common understood fact. I won't allow porn, certain types of R movies or video games and I wouldn't allow them to dress in a deplorable to me manner. Thankfully it's never been an argument so far.

 

But they are minors and we are their parents who have some basic standards and expectations.

 

I have no idea what you mean about them learning to make these decisions for themselves. I don't dress them like toddlers. They go shopping with us, try on things, select what they like and that's what we buy. They ARE making their own clothing decisions.

[Murphy101]

I don't think it's that simple. My oldest received (from extended family) close to $400 in Ab and Fitch gift cards for Christmas the year she was 14. Just because she had means to buy clothes independent from my purchasing them doesn't mean I can't still set guidelines for what my dh I and consider appropriate.

 

Two summers ago I volunteered at hospice camp. My oldest volunteered as a counselor one year for a camp for kids with medical conditions. In both instances, we observed young adult counsellors being redirected in their choice of clothing. These young people couldn't even go to work with young children without trying to dress in a revealing manner. If young people don't get it, then someone, imo, needs to clue them in. I'd rather do it as the parent before someone out in the world has to.

 

My dh had a college intern come to work in a tshirt that said "F*ck My Life." Who in their right mind thinks that is appropriate to wear to a corporate office?

Seriously. Except it is NOT a young people problem.

 

My dh works in corporate training. Not a week goes by the clothing choices of grown adults, most of which are well over 25 yrs old, doesn't have to be addressed.

 

There are people who think business casual means they can wear fleece pajama bottoms and slippers to work.

 

Women who have to be told that no one wants to look up from their desk and see her navel ring or tramp stamp in front of them. (Don't care if they have either, but those areas shouldn't be exposed in a business environment.)

 

A man who had to be informed that yes, he really needs to shower. Every day. (He thought that was ridiculous btw and quit.)

 

That bras, however pretty, do not take the place of a buttoned up shirt.

 

The stories he and his coworkers tell at business dinners just leave me ... So glad I'm not the breadwinner here.