Do you confer with your spouse about every purchase?

[FriedClams]

Um. Not a chance.

 

Our deal is over about $200 we chat.

[kroe1]

We have a $100,000 maximum. Everything over that requires a consult. that means we do not consult much.

[heartlikealion]

No and I'm thinking the $10 coffee maker example could be the spouse asking something like, "will you use it? Or are you set on another brand?" "Do we have the money right now?" "Do you mind? I'd really like to replace the one we have."

 

Dh's pay comes in at weird times (some monthly, some not) and pay day isn't even the same day from month to month so I usually check the bank account or talk to him before certain purchases if I'm unsure. But every purchase? No. And if I know we're good I'm not gonna sweat a $10 purchase if I can justify it. Maybe she couldn't justify the coffee maker to herself. I went to the store for only a couple of items yesterday and ended up buying dd shoes and ds Easter clothing. I stopped and asked myself if I should check with dh but knew we had the funds so didn't bother. His jaw dropped at the price of the shoes and I said mine did too at first but then I decided that it sounds normal ($15 for shoes for a 1yr old. Her Christmas dress shoes were $9.99 and not easy to find in that size/price range). As a pp said, sometimes dh is out of touch with prices.

[heartlikealion]

Aside from the fact that this is ridiculous/controlling/abusive...

Anyone else thinking: I'd straight up use his socks for pads and let him see how he likes using his $$ to buy new socks each month. Maybe he'd find feminine products cheaper...

I wonder how he knows if she spent more. Does he do all the shopping? I'd go to Wal-mart and add a cash back option to the end of my ticket.

[Guest]

We have a $100,000 maximum. Everything over that requires a consult. that means we do not consult much.

I would love it if our finances were that comfortable! As long as we are paying business debt and doing home remodels and such our wiggle room is much smaller than we would like.

[DawnM]

Not at all. We trust each other and are nearly always on the same page with financial planning.

 

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

 

Not a fan. Not a fan.

 

Now if there is a history such as overspending, racking up debt, bankruptcy, etc. then I could definitely see collaborating over every non-budgeted purchase.

 

Dh does not care in the least what I spend on curriculum. Let me say this though, the college textbook bill for eldest boy this semester should be ILLEGAL!

 

 

WHAT?????  First of all, she needs a diva cup.  Second of all, if my husband even tried that one, I would have a job by the end of next week to pay for things myself.  I would also lose complete respect, but I probably have a very different personality than she does.  I couldn't marry anyone with even a hint of that sort of control issue stuff.

[gardenmom5]

I think there are differering reasons someone says "let me talk to my spouse."  it can be their budget is *extremely* tight (but they want the item and they found out if it was availabe first, before talking to their spouse) - or it's an excuse becasue now with more information they don't want to buy it.

 

I only talk to dh about major purchases, or something the use of which will also affect him.  but our finances are no longer super tight.

 

one of us might say "we need to get___" assuming the other one will buy it

 

pet peeve warning . . . the number of sellers who include so little information, you have to e-mail them just to get that information to decide if you want the item or not.  e.g. the type of wood, or the *measurements* of a piece of furniture. or include a picture that is so small and blurry you can't see anything.

 

[lovinglife]

I discuss nearly everything with him, but only because our finances our quite tight right now, and it helps both of us to stay accountable and consider the necessity.

In the past we've agreed to discuss purchases over a certain amount. (:

[gardenmom5]

Not at all. We trust each other and are nearly always on the same page with financial planning.

 

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

 

Not a fan. Not a fan.

 

Now if there is a history such as overspending, racking up debt, bankruptcy, etc. then I could definitely see collaborating over every non-budgeted purchase.

 

Dh does not care in the least what I spend on curriculum. Let me say this though, the college textbook bill for eldest boy this semester should be ILLEGAL!

 

I'm utterly horrified.  that's abusive, and I would be concerned there are alot more controlling things going  on in that relationship.  do they attend one of those "women are a helpmeet" churches?  (where what they really mean are women are a slave.  helpmeet means equal partner.)

 

and I have a dh who knows where most pennies go (he's an accountant.  he can't help it.)  but he just wants to know how to classify stuff for the budget.  

[Meriwether]

I try to keep my total spending for the month in the same ballpark. Dh doesn't want a budget, though, so I don't worry about running details by him.

 

[creekland]

Aside from the fact that this is ridiculous/controlling/abusive...

Anyone else thinking: I'd straight up use his socks for pads and let him see how he likes using his $$ to buy new socks each month. Maybe he'd find feminine products cheaper...

 

This is a neat idea, but I'd have been divorced before I could have thought to do it.

[zoobie]

We have been together so long that at one point, yes, we discussed $10 purchases because that would've been more than 2 hours of work. :P

 

Faith, that's not almost abusive. That is abusive. She needs help.

[zoobie]

Aside from the fact that this is ridiculous/controlling/abusive...

Anyone else thinking: I'd straight up use his socks for pads and let him see how he likes using his $$ to buy new socks each month. Maybe he'd find feminine products cheaper...

There would be repercussions for that. A woman controlled that tightly wouldn't dare. Especially with children in the house. She needs real help. :(

[alisoncooks]

There would be repercussions for that. A woman controlled that tightly wouldn't dare. Especially with children in the house. She needs real help. :(

 

 

I agree.   My prior post was more tongue-in-cheek...cause that wouldn't fly even a month here.  (As I told DH:  "What the heck?! If you tried that, I'd put my menstruating butt right on your side of the bed and sit.all.day." :p)

 

(I might be slightly vindictive.)

 

But, yes, in that real situation...I would say that woman is likely facing much more serious issues.  The only way I can imagine agreeing to such financial control is fear (likely of physical or other abuse).

[Laurie4b]

We confer with each other on significant purchases and significant means either 1) that it is a bit high for our discretionary spending in terms of our budget or 2) the purchase impacts both of us. I would also confer if I was trying to decide something for myself and wasn't sure. (I also might confer with a friend. My dh is my friend, too!) 

 

I would not consult re: a $10 coffee maker because $10 is well within our kind of random/discretionary spending. But there have been times in our life when $10 was significant and then it would have been whether the coffee maker was the best use of that $10. 

 

 

[Matryoshka]

No.  Not unless it's something major or expensive. 

 

This.  I can't imagine having to check in with him when I made any simple purchase.  I'd feel micromanaged and disrespected.  And he's the one that handles the money, not me.  He also buys what he needs.  We are both fairly frugal and each trust that the other isn't just spending money all willy-nilly without a need for the purchase and also making sure we get the best price on things. 

 

Vacation plans, cars, of course we talk about those first.  And I may give him a heads up if I've signed the kids up for something on the expensive side so he isn't surprised by the bill, lol. 

 

[zoobie]

I agree. My prior post was more tongue-in-cheek...cause that wouldn't fly even a month here. (As I told DH: "What the heck?! If you tried that, I'd put my menstruating butt right on your side of the bed and sit.all.day." :p)

 

(I might be slightly vindictive.)

 

But, yes, in that real situation...I would say that woman is likely facing much more serious issues. The only way I can imagine agreeing to such financial control is fear (likely of physical or other abuse).

My first thought was oh heck no; I'd stuff my drawers with his baseball cards. :P I figured, and I should've added that. Small child interrupted.

[shawthorne44]

Absolutely not!   We both know our priorities and what is needed.  For example, DH was working on the fridge ice maker on Sunday while DD went to the aquarium.  We got back and DH said he figured out the problem, it was XYZ part.   I asked how much they cost.  He said $87 and it will be here Wednesday.  I said OK, happy that he took care of buying it.  $87 to get use again of the top freezer shelf is a bargain.  I do the finances and when we are short on money I communicate that.  We discuss when we will be probably have the money for expensive things.  

[Excelsior! Academy]

I discuss purchases with dh when I am unsure or when the budget is tight. It is pretty much a moot point, though. He always agrees with my purchases and trusts me to use common sense.

 

I do use a menstrual cup, but no matter how tight our budget is, he would always "allow" me basic hygiene and would even go to the store himself to purchase if I needed it.

 

I have inherited small sums of money a couple of times. Even though he has inherited some and put his into the family budget, he asked me if I wanted mine in a separate account. Of course, I didn't. Mine went to the general savings/budget. The point is he had no desire to "control" how or if I spent money on any way. Our budget is made together and unless there is a big deviation that makes the budget need adjustment we rarely even mention anything financial. He pays the bills, I purchase groceries and household supplies. Discussion yes, micromanagement no.

[AimeeM]

A $10 purchase? No.

A $50 purchase? Yes.

It isn't so much the purchase as it is *who* handles the budget in our house - and that's DH here. 

 

 

ETA: This has nothing to do with control (after reading some replies). I have access to the budget and access to the accounts. I'm just not as savvy with the tech stuff as he is and all of the budgeting is done on the computers and in google docs, lol. If I do make a larger purchase without consulting him, it's because I couldn't find him before I needed to make the purchase and it was a *need*, not a *want*. He never gets angry or upset when that happens, either, because he understand that there are times it isn't possible, or prudent, to discuss even a larger purchase prior.

Edited February 1, 2016 by AimeeM

[Excelsior! Academy]

We have a $100,000 maximum. Everything over that requires a consult. that means we do not consult much.

 

Whoa!!  I want your budget.

[Katy]

I'm guessing the woman with the super controlling husband wouldn't be allowed a diva cup because she probably belongs to one of those fundamentalist churches that teaches that tampons cause sexual pleasure. 

[ksr5377]

Well, we have a Sunday evening budget meeting where we discuss our necessary purchases for the upcoming week (outside of normal bills and food).  So we both know how much wiggle room there is in the budget for smaller purchases like you described.  I have used the "I have to talk to my husband" card as a way to get out of a sales pitch before.  But no, I can't imagine verifying a $10 purchase.

 

ETA: We also have an allotted fund for education and it's my job to figure out the best way to spend that.  DH knows what we're doing, but when I start discussing curriculum and class options with him his eyes roll to the back of his head.  

Edited February 1, 2016 by ksr5377

[StephanieZ]

LOL, NO.

 

I think those women are either in very weird marriages or are just buying time or don't even want it, but don't want to say that to your face.

 

In your situation, I would not hold anything. I'd just say, "Well, talk to him and let me know right away, because I can't hold it. If I still haven't sold it by the time you get back to me, I'd be happy to sell it to you."

[Desert Strawberry]

Most things, yes. Not only does he handle the budget, I may need him to watch the kids so I can pick it up (if it's large or far away), or I may want to ensure he doesn't have his heart set on a different coffeemaker, or have one picked out somewhere else, or something. He often stops at a big Goodwill store on the way home from work. They have tons of home items. If he knows there are 50 coffee makers that cost less than yours, or we live 50 miles from you ( and everyone else), he may say, no, I'll just get you one. 
And sometimes I want a thing, but he will remind me that we don't especially need this particular thing. 

He usually does the same for me. He doesn't usually bring home a coffeemaker without checking with me that I don't have a preference, or can't find it cheaper. 

Edited February 1, 2016 by Desert Strawberry

[TranquilMind]

I am trying to sell quite a few things on forums and online FB local sales.

 

People keep saying, "I want this but let me talk to my husband."  

 

They say this about little things.....$10 coffee makers to $50 homeschool curriculum offerings.

 

I honestly think they are trying to get me to hold it for them.  First of all, do they really confer with their husbands about everything?  And second of all, if you really want it and need to talk to him first.....talk to him and THEN respond.  I am not holding anything.  I need this stuff GONE.

 

Just curious what the deal is.

Nope.  Not at all.  In fact, I don't bother him at all about it unless it is large.  My husband could not care less about what items I purchase for the home or for us.  It's fine with him and I'm not a spender anyway, unless I am renovating a house. But I did ask him to stop by the last house I wanted to purchase at auction, as it is always good to get two sets of eyes on a bigger purchase.  ;)

 

But this means either the person has no expendable funds at all, or is trying to politely say she doesn't want it. 

 

Don't hold anything.  The first money on the table gets it. 

Edited February 1, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

We discuss the household budget quarterly, but I rarely discuss purchased with him outside of that. We each manage different sets of bills, and if it falls under household, kids, or personal for me, he doesn't know about it. If for some reason something will be really out if the budget or unexpected, of course we would discuss it, but routine purchases? I think that would drive him crazy.

 

Heck, last month I bought a HOUSE without a lot of his input. We had our budget, he let me know his priorities in a new house, but only one of us could make the trip. Since I am the one living in and using the house daily (as in, not leaving for work 9-12 hours five days a week), we agreed that I should do the shopping. I put an offer in and then sent him pics :-)

I make all the large purchases here as well, including all vehicles.  So I would totally do what you did in reference to a house, if we were to purchase one long distance.  However, if he is around and nearby, I like him to look at a house.  He sees things I don't notice, and vice versa. 

[J-rap]

We're usually so happy when the other one takes on the full responsibility of getting something we might need, that we wouldn't even want them to discuss it with us!  Of course, if it's a bigger expense, we discuss.  And earlier in our marriage when our budget was extremely tight and $10 really was something, we'd probably discuss a $10 coffee maker.

[yucabird]

I would never bother the husband about household expenses (and it would be a bother to him).  He doesn't ask me if he can purchase ABC and I don't ask him if I can buy XYZ.  Neither of us need babysitters; we're adults, have busy lives, and trust each other to act in our family's best interest.

 

I do, however, talk to him about taking our children on overnight trips (e.g., camping) or to discuss large purchases.  I do it so that he is in touch with what we plan to do, and so that I can ensure it won't be an inconvenience to him (i.e., He might need the car or want to see the table I've selected.).  Likewise, he discusses large purchases with me.  

 

   

[KungFuPanda]

I'm guessing the woman with the super controlling husband wouldn't be allowed a diva cup because she probably belongs to one of those fundamentalist churches that teaches that tampons cause sexual pleasure.

I'm clearly using the wrong diva cup/tampon brand. Who comes up with this stuff??? I thought I grew up with some messed up patriarchal fundiness, but apparently there's a whole 'nother level.

[Sneezyone]

The only time I confer w/DH is if it's over $400 or I've blown through my budget for the month due to some crisis or other. Our weekly grocery bill is about $150 for perspective. I don't confer on buying glasses for me/kids, getting a pedicure, or school resources.  I might say "Hmph, I think I'm going to go ahead and get new glasses. It's time." as an FYI but I'm not asking permission. He has a separate account/pot of money that he uses for savings and his wants. The joint account is what I use for everything else.

[Lanny]

They may be on a very tight budget, but I think for $10 that's just an excuse.   

[amy g.]

Uh, no.

 

He would never get anything accomplished with all of those interruptions!

[gardenmom5]

I'm guessing the woman with the super controlling husband wouldn't be allowed a diva cup because she probably belongs to one of those fundamentalist churches that teaches that tampons cause sexual pleasure. 

 

and we all know that leads to promiscuous women./  only men are allowed to "take" pleasure . . . . (BIG sarcasm here folks! along with disgust.)

[Melissa in Australia]

both Dh and I do to an extent. but we have lived for 15 years on a below poverty amount of money. So we would both discuss things very carefully - it worked really really well for both of us as we are well matched in the money area. atm we are not so tight with money and we only discuss more major things - but we both find ourselves sort of justifying spending to each other - I guess we are in the habit.

[Katy]

I'm clearly using the wrong diva cup/tampon brand. Who comes up with this stuff??? I thought I grew up with some messed up patriarchal fundiness, but apparently there's a whole 'nother level.

Bill Gothard.  FaithManor has a post about that sort of thing here:  http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/489138-bill-gothard-ati-part-2/

 

and we all know that leads to promiscuous women./  only men are allowed to "take" pleasure . . . . (BIG sarcasm here folks! along with disgust.)

I know, right?

Edited February 1, 2016 by Katy

[Lady Florida.]

No way. I'd never get anything done if I had to confer with him over every purchase. And he'd get annoyed if I tried. Neither of us will make a big purchase without discussing it with the other. I do sometimes let him know if I'm going to be spending more than usual, because he does the bills and he needs to be aware of what I'm spending. But I wouldn't have done it for the things you mentioned or anything else at those prices.

 

Even if they are on a very tight budget and need to go over every little thing, I agree with your complaint that she should have talked to him before responding to your ad. 

Edited February 1, 2016 by Lady Florida

[Donna]

Only major purchases like large furniture or a vehicle or if it's something that is part of fixing up the house like cabinets or doors or whatever. I talk to him when planning to spend money on trips to Ireland but just because I talk to him about everything, not because he might veto it or anything. He knows I'm cheap and will find lowest prices for everything.

[gardenmom5]

I ended up confering with dh about what I was getting him for christmas.   . . . (I'm cheap, so I was buying it off ebay. It was new, and $200 INSTEAD of $400+.), but another one came up, and I wasn't sure which one he'd prefer.  so, I asked him . . . .  he said get which one I wanted, and it was my christmas present . . . :toetap05:   that meant I had to find him something else. :(   what makes me very pleased is he's used it many more times than I have . . . snicker.  (I got him the lodge dutch oven - which I've been using - I can buy quite a few for what I didn't spent on the LC - and 2vol julia child.)

 

 -

(he gave me gold earrings two weeks before christmas because it was the date we'd been married for 1/2 his life. :001_wub: )

[BarbecueMom]

My husband would look at me like I sprouted a second head if I asked him for approval to buy a $10 coffee maker on Craigslist. First, for asking his approval on something like that, and second for considering buying a used coffee maker. Given how many weeks of research and indecision went along with our last coffee maker purchase, he'd be right to assume I was swapped with an alien.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I'm guessing the woman with the super controlling husband wouldn't be allowed a diva cup because she probably belongs to one of those fundamentalist churches that teaches that tampons cause sexual pleasure. 

 

I've been buying the wrong brand of tampons!!

[Jacquelyn in NC]

My husband and I agreed early on in our marriage to discuss purchases over $100 that were above and beyond budgeted or expected items.  It helps us stay within budget, and it also serves as a "cooling off" period so we don't get sucked into impulse purchases.

[G5052]

Only things over $200, and nothing really on homeschooling unless it's a big change. Neither of us are big spenders, so it works.

[marbel]

My husband would look at me like I sprouted a second head if I asked him for approval to buy a $10 coffee maker on Craigslist. First, for asking his approval on something like that, and second for considering buying a used coffee maker. Given how many weeks of research and indecision went along with our last coffee maker purchase, he'd be right to assume I was swapped with an alien.

 

LOL!  I would never buy a small appliance that my husband would use without discussing it with him first.  For one thing, I tend to buy cheap and he tends to look for quality for the price.  But also, if he's going to use it, he needs to like the thing too.   Coffee makers take a lot of time around here.  Fortunately we have a French Press for the weeks in between death of old coffeemaker and purchase oF new one. 

 

[catz]

Definitely not.  $200 is about the point where we start talking.  DH bought himself 2 nice bikes this winter and didn't consult me now that I think about it.  I am a penny pincher when it comes to curriculum.  So the $200+ single subject online Spanish Curriculum did start a discussion.  But it was like he said "What?  $250 for a full year of online spanish with teacher corrections?  What are you waiting for!?".  Both of us are conservative shoppers. 

Edited February 1, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Farrar]

Only for big things, at least a hundred dollars or more. Also occasionally if I'm torn between a couple of options or whether to make a small splurge on something. And on things like gifts that are from both of us. Certainly not for a $10 used coffeemaker.

[medawyn]

I make all the large purchases here as well, including all vehicles. So I would totally do what you did in reference to a house, if we were to purchase one long distance. However, if he is around and nearby, I like him to look at a house. He sees things I don't notice, and vice versa.

Oh, I definitely would have liked him to see it, if we bought local. That's how we bought our last house; I narrowed down the field, and he went to check them out with me. But we've been here for a month, and it seems like I did a pretty good job on my own this time. I'm glad he trusts me with decisions of this magnitude.

[NatureMomma]

I wouldn't ask my husband about that small of a purchase. Through much trial and error we have a system that works for us. Dh deposits a certain amount into my banking account every 2 weeks. It's enough for food, gas, daughters classes, some fun money, field trips, homeschool stuff, etc. i can budget some months for a larger book order, or do a pricier class, or spend it on clothing, if I'm more careful with other line items. I put all the toiletries and 'needs on a credit card which gets payed off monthly. Anything beyond that, I do need to confer with him what I plan to spend to make sure we have the money. Oftentimes he'll have me use a particular credit card, or just transfer more money to me. He has an ultra detailed but complicated system, and thus works.

[creekland]

Oh, I definitely would have liked him to see it, if we bought local. That's how we bought our last house; I narrowed down the field, and he went to check them out with me. But we've been here for a month, and it seems like I did a pretty good job on my own this time. I'm glad he trusts me with decisions of this magnitude.

 

Aw, come on.  The rest of us would have liked to see some House Hunter drama, you know!

[QueenCat]

No, not for those kind of things. Unnecessary things that cost more than a couple of hundred dollars, yes. Not for PERMISSION but to discuss together what else is going on to make sure there aren't too many high end items that month.