Were you ever really good at anything growing up?

[Tranquility7]

I wasn't. And I've realized that it might explain something about why I educate my kids as I do...

 

I was always a pretty good student, but still somewhere in the middle of the honors pack, kwim? And I dabbled in lots of after-school activities, including some that I did for years (without much improvement, frankly). But I was never a standout in anything. I got mostly A's without too much effort, learned a smattering of a bunch of sports, a bit of piano and choir, etc., etc., etc...

 

I've always struggled with shyness and insecurity, and it's always bothered me that I'm not good at anything. With my own kids I have taken the opposite of my parents' approach of, "Let her try everything but don't be involved or make her practice/work/etc. Whatever she wants to do is fine." (They would have been somewhat pro-active about academics if they needed to be, but I was self-motivated and reasonably bright.)

 

With my own kids, I require a lot more dedication and hard work, and they not only achieve so much more than I did, but also have a much higher level of enthusiasm for life and learning. We take our academics seriously and don't just work for the minimum requirement like I always did. We don't dally around in tons of different extra-curriculars; we pick a few in which we can excel with hard work, and we stick with them (for us this means piano and taekwondo so far).

 

I'm really proud of my kids and how much harder they work than I ever did, but I also am so happy to see how much they *enjoy* not only being good at something, but also continuing to learn and grow in that area. It's really changed my perspective on what makes learning "fun".

 

Anyway... not sure why I'm writing this; I guess I'm just wondering aloud what others' experiences and thoughts were about the different approaches of "pushing" versus "hands off"... or about being really good at something versus not particularly good at anything...

[Rosie_0801]

Nope. I wasn't. Well, not anything anyone else could see. I was brought up with "look at it from their perspective" as a childhood mantra, so I was better than most kids at that. That was not something that felt like a something until I was a lot older. I wanted to learn to sew when I was a kid and Mum started teaching me. The belt on my machine broke, and that was the end. Decades later, Mum said she thought I hadn't been interested and since sewing is hardly mandatory, she left it. From my perspective, I asked for it to be replaced, it wasn't, and I knew better than to nag.

 

With my parenting, this has led me to provide infrastructure. No one will get good at anything unless they have stuff to practice with. So dd got a toaster oven for Christmas and a packet of sculpy so she can make beads and things like she learned how to do in a fun class she took this year. She might choose not to, but she has the choice. Most of her presents are about acquiring information and ensuring she can put it into practice if she wants to.

[Tsuga]

I am really superb at standardized tests. Top 1% nationwide, top 2% internationally.

 

Exactly like you, I was told to "explore" and "enjoy being a child" when young. I think I wasted a lot of talent and developed bad havits. My kids have days off and get free time but I demand more than my mom did.

[Arcadia]

My hubby was the scholarship kind of good but not the outstanding kind. I was "infamous" enough to hangout at the principal's office. Hubby and I grew up in the rat race in Asia and we probably let our kids spend less hours studying than we did.

 

My dad was famous in my extended family and even with my teachers for nagging about academics. I learnt to tune out nags before preschool.

 

I'm glad most of my family and hubby's family is free range. We learnt to be street smart early.

 

Most kids need guidance and reminders. If I don't remind my kids to check their to-do list, they would probably forget something. Hubby and I are independent by nature. It is easy for our parents to be hands off and help only when asked. My DS11 while mostly independent would read all day if given the chance. I still have to remind him at breakfast to get his work done before reading. DS10 needs hand holding while he improve on his executive function skills.

 

I had lots of extracurriculars as a kid and don't regret it. They hone my negotiation and management skills. I had

 

Ballet - 1 year to improve my coordination but therapy would have been better. My parents didnt know about theraphy and there was no gym class nearby

Art - 4 years

Piano - 11 years

School Band - 3 years

School Choir - 3 years

School science club - 6 years

Girl Guides - 4 years

Student Council - 2 years

 

Learning was fun when I could take charge of my own education. My aunts didn't mind that I was reading my older cousin's textbooks which were more to my level. My school principals supported my entering for national academic competitions. My high school principal was trying to matchmake me with some of the top students. I would have rebelled if anyone had wanted me to live fo my potential. I would have felt my gifts were burdens instead.

 

After graduating, what stand out was my extracurriculars rather than my grades when I went for job interviews. Plenty of engineering graduates with stellar grades. Hubby had a harder time despite better grades and being a scholar. I got him to try using headhunters.

 

My hubby is really industrious and has great work ethic but he won't call learning fun.

 

My kids are still at the trying out stage for extracurriculars. Its nice to see them trying out stuff without worrying about whether they willl be good at it. They could narrow down later when there is a time crunch. For now we are more worried that they are too sheltered to try things like horseback riding, water polo, hockey, ice skating, skiing ...

[creekland]

Horses, both riding and training, were my passion.

 

Riding-wise I was pretty darn good in our local area with English hunters and western gaming.  We didn't have the $$ to do much outside of our area, but the one time I went out of state (riding someone else's horse) we did quite well.  Winning one class that had 54 competitors in it is one of my favorite childhood memories.

 

Training-wise I started with our dogs and cats before I had equines.  My dad used to have me show friends/relatives how well they were trained.  Once I had equines, naturally, I moved on to them.

 

I had riding lessons from age 11 on (got ponies at age 8).  I never had any training lessons or books (for any critter).  That just came naturally.  I recall wondering why anyone would ever pay for lessons or to have someone else train their animals.

 

Did my parents support me?  I think I pulled them along - at least my dad.  I lived with him for all this time.  He became quite a useful groom at shows.  He also bought my best game pony for me (as a yearling - he saw him run in a field and saw the potential in him - I got to do all the training - loved it!).  Dad was thrilled I was into horses and not boys or alcohol.

 

Academics?  I could always do well, but was bored and didn't do that much until 7th grade and later.  My parents had gotten divorced (nasty type) when I was in 6th grade and my 7th grade guidance counselor showed me how I could escape via good grades.  My life totally changed due to that man.

[creekland]

ps  My kids excelled at chess, but it never occurred to me they could go far deeper than local/state competitions.  It only occurred to me after middle son won our state chess championship for his level and beat some world ranked players online.  That was at the end of his junior year.  I regret not being more tuned in to that to be honest.  Our attitude was far more aligned along with letting them enjoy our family, farm, and travel than being super competitive at anything special.

[Ausmumof3]

Hmm. Well my parents pushed practising and music lessons in areas when I could have let it go. And other activities which I enjoyed stopped because they were inconvenient or didn't fit well family wise. So of course I've been trying to really accomodate the kids interests but time and money only go so far. I have three with different interests so if they all do something different there's two sitting around. However we are limited on funds so it makes sense for them to pick their passion. Also we live semirural and our closest activity is a 20 minute drive. The activities are all only available after school hours which eats into family time badly.

 

Overall I would love for the kids to be able to continue with all of their hobbies but realistically if they take up a new one something old has to drop, unfortunately.

[Another Lynn]

Hmm. Well my parents pushed practising and music lessons in areas when I could have let it go. And other activities which I enjoyed stopped because they were inconvenient or didn't fit well family wise. So of course I've been trying to really accomodate the kids interests but time and money only go so far. I have three with different interests so if they all do something different there's two sitting around. However we are limited on funds so it makes sense for them to pick their passion. Also we live semirural and our closest activity is a 20 minute drive. The activities are all only available after school hours which eats into family time badly.

 

Overall I would love for the kids to be able to continue with all of their hobbies but realistically if they take up a new one something old has to drop, unfortunately.

 

This is similar to our situation too.  5 kids, semi-rural, 30-40 minutes from everything, limited by funds, time, and number of drivers. 

 

As for myself, I was good at a few things.  Extra curriculars were a whirlwind in jr. high and high school.  And I had straight As.  I remember high school as being a lot of hard work and  fairly high-pressure, certainly much more so than college.  I have tried to protect my kids from that kind of pressure, maybe at the expense of developing talents to their fullest.  I have wanted to protect them from pressure to perform and the feeling that love and value are tied to accomplishments.  Dh is opposite.  He grew up without anyone supporting or encouraging anything he did.  He was good at high school football, but he had zero parental support.  He sees that our kids have all kinds of opportunities he didn't and he doesn't understand why they don't take advantage of them to their fullest.   

 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I have long considered myself to be a "jack of all trades and master of nothing," but I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing.  There are a few areas where I regret not having more expertise, but in general, I can solve the problems life throws at me.  I feel confident I can fix my own computer problems and minor house repairs.  I can do minor sewing, I can give first aid.  I can identify edible plants.  lol.  I feel comfortable educating my kids through 12th grade.  

 

You are probably capable of all things too.  The difference is, I feel confident and proud of those abilities, and you seem to be insecure.  It's just mindset, really.

 

But back to the question- if your kids are willing to become experts in a domain- taekwando, piano, etc, I think that's wonderful.  And for 99% of kids, I think an encouraging parent is key to making that happen.  So go for it!  

[KSinNS]

I was not really good at anything, though by high school I did quite well in piano and academics, but it was all a matter of working hard to get what I wanted. I burned out in early university, and had to take several years off before going back. My kids are like me, good but not brilliant. I've certainly tried to instill in them a sense of balance as well as a solid work ethic, though it's hard in my 11 year old, who practices harder than any other kid I know. We are constantly watching for burnout in him. That being said, my work ethic has served me well, though I am very careful to set my limits and make sure I rest.

 

My folks were supportive in the sense of being happy to pay for lessons and expect good results, but saw no reason to help us in our activities or school work. I spent a lot of my life trying to figure stuff out on my own, and usually not succeeding and blaming myself and being criticized or told I had no talent. With our kids, I do try to help as much as I can, and support the kids efforts more than their achievements. Really interesting thread.

[Angie in VA]

 

Training-wise I started with our dogs and cats before I had equines.  My dad used to have me show friends/relatives how well they were trained.  Once I had equines, naturally, I moved on to them.

 

Wait, wait, wait.

 

You (or anyone) can train cats? Other than Pavlovian reactions, our cats have always trained us. I'm open to any and all advice for training Maine Coons, please!

 

:bigear:

[Farrar]

I was... I was generally academically "good" at stuff, especially writing and language arts stuff, as well as memorization heavy stuff like geography and history. I was good at acting and always got a lot of good feedback in talent shows and then in school drama, though my parents never helped me pursue it outside of school and I was not a very good singer, so as a kid my opportunities there were limited a little.

 

I always felt pretty confident about my abilities. My parents were pretty good about letting me try different stuff but also pushing me to go a little deeper and do more sometimes... But I have to tell you that as an adult I still suffer from impostor syndrome. There's no perfect formula here... It's just tough.

[Wheres Toto]

Very good at standardized tests. Did very well in school with very little effort.

 

Grew up very very poor, single mom worked a lot.  Didn't have the money to do sports or any other activities and all the kids who played on school teams in Junior High and High School had already been playing for years.  I played street hockey on roller skates and did get a varsity letter my senior year for the Track Weight Team (shot-put, discus and javelin). I ended up being pretty good at that stuff.

 

I'm very good at computer software stuff. 

 

Definite imposter syndrome often but as I get older, I seem to feel that way less.  I'm not sure if I'm feeling more confident in my abilities or realizing that others aren't really any different.

Edited December 26, 2015 by Where's Toto?

[Carol in Cal.]

I was good at academics.

 

My parents probably didn't mean to push me as hard as they did, but I was very literal.  So when they said, just do your best, I interpreted that as 'you can't make any mistakes without being a failure'.  Also my mom did homework with me every night until I was in about the 5th grade, and with my younger siblings even longer.

 

In general this has served me well in life.  I went to a very tough high school and university, and was able to pursue a good and interesting career that totally paid the bills.  

 

I wish that I had realized sooner than you can be taught artistic things like how to draw. I thought that came upon you from above based on talent or imagination, and I would have felt a lot more competent if I had learned physical things, like how to draw, sew, play sports, etc.  Granted I had no particularly aptitude for those, but all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

[Hunter]

I am good at reading books. I taught myself to read at 4 and then I read and read. It didn't matter where we moved. I found where the free and cheap books were and I read.

 

There was a period of time that I discounted the importance of that and only saw all that I didn't learn or do. Not any more.

 

I am good at reading books. And that has opened doors for me, made me who I am, and made me useful.

 

I don't really have a country, and I don't really have a family anymore, and I don't have a career, or a properly working brain, or any of the most basic things most humans have, but...

 

I am really good at reading books and using what is in them to make a better life for myself and those I am responsible for.

[Peaceful Isle]

I was and do play the piano. I love it and play most of the time by ear.  So fun.

I was pretty good at cheer as a kid ;)

I was not, and am not to this day "smart" but I do enjoy learning with my kids. I did struggle my way through college, and earned a degree in education. If I can do it, anyone can. lol

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've been good at most things I've tried and put my mind to.  However, I rarely attempt things I am not sure I'll succeed at. 

 

 

[creekland]

Wait, wait, wait.

 

You (or anyone) can train cats? Other than Pavlovian reactions, our cats have always trained us. I'm open to any and all advice for training Maine Coons, please!

 

:bigear:

 

No specific info for Maine Coons, but cats work off food for the most part, so training them is most effective when they want to eat what you have.  Start with very basics - sitting, lifting a paw (ie shaking hands), high fives.  Like all animals, they'll learn by trial and error.  Ignore what is wrong, reward what is good - even if it's just a small step toward what you want.  If they are wrong too often, find a time to reward them anyway to keep their attention - just don't do it for a wrong behavior.

 

Once they key in that you want an action, then they are more trainable.  In the end, I could get my cats to do an obstacle course for one treat.  The obstacle course included jumps, crawling through a paper bag (with the end cut out), weaving around some things, and knocking down a cylinder at the end, but there are multiple other things they could do too (laying down, etc).

 

Their attention span is short, so you have periods of about 10 - 15 minutes at a time before needing a break.  Fortunately, their memory is good, so you can usually start right where you left off before if they truly learned it.

 

And yes... cats train us quite easily too.  ;)

[SparklyUnicorn]

Wait, wait, wait.

 

You (or anyone) can train cats? Other than Pavlovian reactions, our cats have always trained us. I'm open to any and all advice for training Maine Coons, please!

 

:bigear:

 

I love Maine Coons!

[Chalex]

I was good at many things, but master of nothing.  LOL  (art, sports..)

 

I didn't have the drive to want to be the best and practice and study.  I still think it's interesting when you meet people who always had that type of drive.  I have a friend who seemed to know from a young age what she wanted career-wise and still was taking part-time courses at age 40 to achieve it.

 

There is a family we know whose two daughters are both determined to be great athletes, one in skating one in gymnastics.  My daughter was amazed that the one girl was already doing cartwheels on the balance beam.  The mother kinda shook her head and said that she is endlessly doing cartwheeling on the line in their kitchen floor.  I have no idea what causes some people to be born with that type of drive.

[daijobu]

No specific info for Maine Coons, but cats work off food for the most part, so training them is most effective when they want to eat what you have.  Start with very basics - sitting, lifting a paw (ie shaking hands), high fives.  Like all animals, they'll learn by trial and error.  Ignore what is wrong, reward what is good - even if it's just a small step toward what you want.  If they are wrong too often, find a time to reward them anyway to keep their attention - just don't do it for a wrong behavior.

 

 

 

Wow, that is just too cool.  You ought to have youtube videos of this.  

[creekland]

Wow, that is just too cool.  You ought to have youtube videos of this.  

 

This was in my youth when I had all the time in the world - then again in college when we had a behavior assignment in a Psych class. (I got permission to do mine on cats, not people.)

 

Our cats in our early married life were trained (as were our dogs), but once kids came around, time for training animals dwindled.  Now I train the ponies we raise (ground manners - we sell them before they are riding age), but that's about it.  The younger cat we have now can shake hands and hive five, but that's because those are super easy tricks to learn.

 

Next spring we're seriously considering getting two new kittens.  They might get trained... ;)

[Dmmetler]

We have a former stray cat who is very motivated by food :). So far, she'll jump onto objects, stand on her hind legs, turn in a circle, jump over objects, comes when called, and combinations of the above. I figure she'd do well in agility training. Her kitten kind of lukewarmly does "up", but usually just looks cute and fuzzy and mews pathetically.

[deerforest]

I was really good at school (and also dating bad boys who had nothing in common with me). I was always at the top in everything in high school. Had tons of AP credits. Went to a private college and was one of only 2 people who graduate with both Sigma Xi (national science honor society) and Phi Beta Kappa honors. Got into psych/neuroscience grad school without a problem (and this was when neuroscience was just blossoming as its own course of study, start of the "Decade of the Brain").

 

I did a lot of other things like played field hockey, swam, skied, worked, loved art, but I was mediocre at everything else.

 

However, I totally crashed and burned in grad school when I realized that I had spent my whole life getting to that point, and I met my (now) DH who was way, way smarter than me (he's PG), and he's far more relaxed about life. I realized I didn't like being in grad school and that my entire self esteem was based on academic performance. I had a major life meltdown around age 23 and quit grad school ABD. 

 

I've had a very successful corporate career now for the past 23 years (and I still work full time), but I purposely have turned down promotions because I didn't want to lose family balance or ever feel like I did in grad school again. At times I still miss science, but many of my skills are directly applicable to my current career. 

 

My goal in parenting and in homeschooling is to ensure that DD's self esteem and interests are much more well-balanced. 

[wintermom]

I was a good swimmer, and LOVED being in the water. I picked up piano quickly and kept playing and taking lessons so that I could accompany myself for singing (which I also LOVED). My parents were both very supportive of these interests, through finding and paying for swim clubs, volunteering/officiating themselves, music teachers, music and theory exams. They strongly encouraged me, but didn't force me to compete or perform when I didn't want to. They were also very supportive of my academic pursuits, and encouraged me to go to university - but I would have to pay for it (I could live at home for free). I completed my first degree in an area they weren't initially thrilled with, but realized that I was determined to succeed in it. I was never at an elite level for any of my pursuits, but I enjoy them all and learned to worked hard, set and achieve numerous goals.

 

My parents were both children of first-generation immigrants and grew up on farms. They grew up in families used to working very, very hard. They wanted their children to have easier lives, but still be willing and able to work hard. My mom had the foresight to encourage me to take all the life guarding and swim instructing courses needed so that I could work in the aquatics field as a young teen. It was really useful to have, but also overwhelming to navigate through. She had made it through Nursing school, which in her day was full-time work and school combined, so she could understand the courage it takes to complete really difficult tasks. Dad was an encourager through NOT having completed things he wished he'd done. He'd always wanted to go to university, but didn't have the finances to do so, and he'd always wanted to learn to play an instrument but didn't have the opportunity. He really wanted his children to experience these things. So this balance of supporting interests and areas of talents was well modeled for me. They did similar things with both my siblings. 

 

With our children, my dh and I definitely encourage hard work to achieve worthwhile skills, both academically and musically. We do a lot of sports and physical activities with the dc at the recreational level. We haven't the time, interest or money to focus on one single pursuit too heavily with our children, rather they will all have a varied and solid foundation to continue with their academic, musical and sporting goals throughout their lives. 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2015 by wintermom

[Garga]

I wasn't good at anything.

 

My kids don't have an internal drive to try to excel at anything. The things they do, they do moderately. The youngest boy isn't in any activities because he strongly doesn't want to be in an activity.

 

I've lived my life by plodding along and doing whatever I'm doing as well as I can, without burning myself out. My boys put out minimal effort for what they do. I hope that one day when they get a job they'll try to be more proficient at whatever they're doing, but we're not there yet.

 

We're just not the go-getter types.

Edited December 27, 2015 by Garga

[Garga]

nm

Edited December 27, 2015 by Garga

[ikslo]

Drawing. Especially hands. I can draw really realistic hands.

[RootAnn]

I was never good at or interested in athletics. My three older siblings were all better musicians than I. (Eldest played for church & was best. Talent seemed to lesson with each kid. We all had to take lessons, but I hated it & wish I hadn't ever taken lessons.) I was overshadowed by an almost perfect older sister in academics. I was a late (academic) bloomer with a pushy mom.

 

I was dependable, strong, and not a complainer. (I would go in my room & cry in frustration or disappointment rather than throw a public fit.) I could fix things and I almost had as much patience as my dad. 

 

I would never have made National Merit or gotten enough scholarships for college without my mom being super-pushy. I'm not sure if it was worth it, though, since it seemed like I was never good enough. 

 

I think I would have been good with horses. I loved horse camp the one summer I got to go. It wasn't anything we could afford on a regular basis and I never got to go back. I have one DD that seems a natural with animals.

 

My kids sometimes wonder what their special talent is. Eldest just cried today that there isn't anything she's "better at" than dd#2. (Duh, math & languages!) We don't foster competition in our house, but it seems hard-wired into our kids to compare themselves.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 30, 2015 by w11

[Sarah0000]

People frequently tell me I'm really great at stuff, but I don't feel like that. I'm confident in my abilities, but I'm not expert in anything. I could have been with more opportunities growing up (we were poor) but I doubt parental pushing would have helped at all. I'm the self motivated type.

 

DH, on the other hand, had access to more opportunities than I and overall I would say is less accomplished. His parents paid for lessons and equipment when he developed interests, but never required him to stick with things. He could have really benefited from a bit of pushing from his parents. He is not the self motivated type.

 

I hope for my children to have at least one or two things that they feel confident about their skills, but whether that will involve a little pushing on my part is probably going to depend on the child's personality.

[Angie in VA]

I love Maine Coons!

 

I could only have MaIne Coons after having my first. When ours was killed in January, we waited a few months, and then got two to fill the void he left. It didn't work, but we love these two too. 

[Angie in VA]

cats work off food for the most part, so training them is most effective when they want to eat what you have.  

 

Their attention span is short, so you have periods of about 10 - 15 minutes at a time before needing a break.  

 

 

Ah, I have more in common w/ them than I realized!

 

Thanks, Creekland. I didn't mean Maine Coons in particular, but all that you said makes sense. You are one smart cookie to train them! :)

[8circles]

I'm another Jack of all trades, master of none. As a kid/teen I was very good at dance, but my parents thought it was a waste of time. I still love to dance.

[J-rap]

No, not really!  But then, I was never pushed either, and I wish I had been.  Like others, I was good at several things, but no one pushed me to get even better.  Not that it's the fault of others of course, but I think I was a little too lazy to push myself.  My parents were great, but when I said "that's good enough," they simply said "okay."  

 

I played the violin, did a lot of writing, and raced in the 400 m. hurdles through college, but was good only as far as what came naturally.

 

That's why I have tried to challenge my kids to go beyond what comes naturally when it's something they seem to enjoy.  That includes helping to provide more opportunities and teaching self-discipline.

[Mommy22alyns]

I relate a lot to you, OP.  I was decent at school - got A's pretty easily, honors classes, but I wasn't a super student or anything.  I got a lot of 99th percentiles on standardized tests.  I was one answer away from a perfect English SAT score!  For all the good that did me, LOL.  I did a few extracurriculars here and there, but my upbringing was not very good, so I never got really good at anything.

 

So my older daughter is a competitive gymnast.  But this is completely by accident.  She was a very, very active baby/toddler/preschooler.  There was a small, local gym near us and they had classes for 3 year olds, so why not sign her up?  It seemed to fit her personality.  And here we are.  DH never got to be really good at anything either, so we're excited to do all we can to support Rebecca.

 

Sylvia is Sylvia.  She just likes being a kid right now.  She is really interested in computer games, so I am trying to channel that and get her into a programming course.  She's very bright (a little more academically inclined than Rebecca), so I throw a lot of books at her.  Hopefully something will "click" and she'll have her "thing."

[creekland]

Ah, I have more in common w/ them than I realized!

 

Thanks, Creekland. I didn't mean Maine Coons in particular, but all that you said makes sense. You are one smart cookie to train them! :)

 

It's not really a smart thing IMO.  It's some sort of natural talent for me to understand critters and how they work/tick/think/fill in word of choice.  I think it's the same natural talent that helps me with teens at school.  

 

I suspect those who are pushed more to excel at this train critters for Hollywood or something.  No one ever pushed me, nor did I push myself.  I was just a single child with critters and tons of time in the country.  (I had a sister, but with the divorce, she went to live with my mom so we didn't see each other often.)  I spent pretty much all my time with the critters we had - cats, dogs, horses, and ponies.  All were trained to impress and all but my first two ponies I got to start from scratch with.  ;)

 

Fortunately, school came easily to me, so very little time was spent studying.  If I wasn't training something, I was reading though - escape through books.

 

My childhood life... extensive time with critters, books, school... an interesting way to think about it now that I type it.  Dad and I ate out most of the time, so we didn't have to cook much.  (Breakfast was just a help yourself deal.)

[FO4UR]

I won a full-ride scholarship with my voice. 

 

I dabbled in singing, playing violin and saxophone as a child.  I've always had a great ear.  I used to get terrible stage fright though. 

 

 

In jr high, I refused to be in choir b/c the teacher was a horrible singer and I couldn't tolerate being in the same room with her....nails on the chalkboard.  (shudder)

 

I went to a very large, competitive high school and was in some fun traveling groups. My HS choir director was stunned that I pursued music beyond high school though.  I wasn't the favored soloist. Half of the competition in that very large high school was of a political nature, and my parents weren't political.  (It was rather fun to tell the choir director who passed me over about my full-ride scholarship.  teehee!!!)

 

In college I shined.  

 

I've sung in several small places where people thought I was lip-sinking to a recording.  Ha!  I just really sing for fun.  I give voice lessons now and then, but there is not much interest in this rural area. I miss real music.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[4KookieKids]

I've been good at most things I've tried and put my mind to.  However, I rarely attempt things I am not sure I'll succeed at. 

 

I think this is mostly the case for me, as well.

 

OTOH, my *current* strengths and my heart don't necessarily line up. My heart has always been in music and languages. In high school, I wanted nothing more than to learn more languages and be more involved in music. Unfortunately, the demands of PS really didn't leave me much opportunity to pursue those interests in any real depth. I was in the IB program (I knew my parents couldn't pay for college and was doing all I could to get as much college credits ahead of time), had a relatively full time job outside of school (35-38 hrs/wk), and could manage to get all A's without too much extra strain, but that left nothing left for music and languages. I was good at them, for the time I was able to give them (passed fluency tests in both German and Spanish very early on, landed leads in musicals, etc.), but I just couldn't pursue those without giving up on what I thought (at the time) I "needed" to do (i.e., accrue college credit and get a college degree without much in terms of money or resources).

 

In hindsight (and something I've been pondering in light of the conversation on the blue collar/working class thread), I so wish I could've been homeschooled or self-taught during that period. I was good at learning, but being so driven by the PS system meant that I settled for an A, rather than actually learning the material. Had I had the option to learn things at my own pace, and to my own interest, I believe I would've learned much MORE of the school subjects I had to (and much more quickly, because my motivation would have been different) AND I also would've had time to pursue my love of music and languages.

 

Here I am in my 30's with a phd in math (people are just waiting to throw money and scholarships at people who excel in hard sciences, huh? that is without a doubt the *main* reason I went into math when I realized I couldn't afford to study whatever I wanted) and my heart is really still lost in languages and music. Granted, I think math is cool and fun, too. But it doesn't hold the place in my heart that music and languages do, and it never will. But despite any wishful thinking to the contrary, I think my music & languages boat has just sailed. This isn't a woe-is-me sort of post, because I feel very blessed to be where I am right now in life, but this reflection comes with the understanding that not only are those things far more difficult to learn once you're older, but they're also far more difficult to do when you have 4 children you're caring for and schooling. :)

[EmilyGF]

I was good at math and history. I skipped two grades in math. I was student of the year and student of the month in history. I took a history AP test (and got a 5) without taking the class. I sang with a top level choir, too.

 

I dabbled in most other things and my parents tended hippie and didn't force me to finish things I didn't like. I look back and see the curse of being thought "smart" - not wanting to do something I couldn't be best at.

 

My husband and I now have a way to discourage dabbling - we set goals before beginning hobbies. When I wanted to learn to cake decorate, I decided I'd make my sister's wedding cake in a year's time and I couldn't quit until I had done so. I got really good. :-) And now I can bake really really yummy cakes and make them look really nice (but often I just put some fruit on them). When I wanted to knit, I had to plan an end project that I couldn't quit before. I try to take this approach with my kids. So my violin player needs to master a certain level before she can quit (a high enough level that playing can be fun - don't want to quit while doing the rough stuff at the beginning). But I do think trying out a variety of things is necessary and proper. 

 

Emily

[Donna]

I was good at academics…graduated 1st in my high school class. I was never challenged in high school and got A's easily through school. I wish I had been challenged in high school. My school had no AP course options and I felt let down when I went to college and so many kids had had better high school experiences. It led to a lot of self-doubt and imposter syndrome. One reason I started homeschooling was to give my kids a more challenging education than I received.

 

I was good at dance when I was in grammar school but my parents did not have the money for me to take the extra classes the teacher wanted me to have and eventually even one class a week was too expensive so they took me to audition for a different teacher who wanted my sister (3 years younger) and I in classes on different days of the week and my parents would not drive the 15 min twice a week to continue classes so I had to quit. I loved to dance.

 

My choir directors always thought I had a good voice as a child. I always sang the solos in choir in grammar and middle school. One choir director wanted me to play the part of Gretel in her high school's musical when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade but my parents did not want to drive me everyday for the rehearsals so turned her down. I hated singing in front of people by high school and stopped singing in choirs.

 

My parents refusal to go out of their way to drive me to practices or lessons for things I really loved doing is probably the reason I am so willing to do everything I can to help my own kids pursue their passions even if it means doing without other things to afford additional lessons or driving 3 hours one way for lessons when local teachers no longer meet their needs.

 

I was good at soccer but no girls' team in high school so I played on the boys team. I did well, held my own, and was a starter unless injured but it was hard to stand out when most of the boys were much bigger and stronger than I was. 

[FO4UR]

 

Anyway... not sure why I'm writing this; I guess I'm just wondering aloud what others' experiences and thoughts were about the different approaches of "pushing" versus "hands off"... or about being really good at something versus not particularly good at anything...

 

My parents never pushed, but always encouraged and enabled.

 

I wish that someone in my life (before college!!!) would have thought about how piano skills would be crucial for any musician, not just pianists.  I wish I would have been pushed to learn piano early and well.  18yo is way too late to start.  I had basic skills before then.  I could sight read the treble clef, and I could practice at the bass clef. But...there is muscle memory that must be learned by puberty, I'm convinced, or it simply never comes like it should. 

 

Piano Piano Piano for any and every child interested even slightly in any musical instrument, voice included.  It's not about piano...piano is the gateway.  Wanna be a percussionist? Piano!  Wanna be a Broadway Singer/Actor? Piano!  Wanna play cello?  Piano!  Wanna conduct an orchestra? Piano. Kazoo? Piano! 

 

 

When I look at my kids' interests, I think of the foundation that needs to be laid.  Wanna be an engineer?  MATH!  Wanna be a writer?  GRAMMAR!  Wanna be a tech-inventer?  Piano!  ( :lol: )

[rainbird2]

My parents never pushed, but always encouraged and enabled.

 

I wish that someone in my life (before college!!!) would have thought about how piano skills would be crucial for any musician, not just pianists.  I wish I would have been pushed to learn piano early and well.  18yo is way too late to start.  I had basic skills before then.  I could sight read the treble clef, and I could practice at the bass clef. But...there is muscle memory that must be learned by puberty, I'm convinced, or it simply never comes like it should. 

 

Piano Piano Piano for any and every child interested even slightly in any musical instrument, voice included.  It's not about piano...piano is the gateway.  Wanna be a percussionist? Piano!  Wanna be a Broadway Singer/Actor? Piano!  Wanna play cello?  Piano!  Wanna conduct an orchestra? Piano. Kazoo? Piano! 

 

 

When I look at my kids' interests, I think of the foundation that needs to be laid.  Wanna be an engineer?  MATH!  Wanna be a writer?  GRAMMAR!  Wanna be a tech-inventer?  Piano!  ( :lol: )

 

OK, I won't let my kids quit piano now, 4blessingmom.  Thank you for the reminder about the importance of piano skills.  I wholeheartedly agree!  :)

 

I was really good at piano...so good that I received a scholarship to a very nice college for music.  My parents never asked me to practice (they were always in the other room watching TV) and I would always learn my music very quickly before my piano lesson.  I think I was just naturally talented and had a very good ear for music.

 

When I went to college, however, I realized how ill prepared I was for higher level music.  I really struggled and had serious self esteem issues from my lack of preparation.  Performing in public was always a nightmare.  I really, really resented my parents' hands off style of parenting once I got to college.  I wish they had been a little more involved and supportive of my talent.  I still feel like I could have been a much better musician had I been pushed a little more when I was growing up.

 

By best friend from K-12 also had very hands off parents, and she is still resentful that she wasn't held more accountable for her academics.  Our neighbor's kids were children of immigrants, and their parents pushed them really hard to excel.  They had high SAT/ACT scores, stellar transcripts and resumes, and from there, their top picks in schools.  They are all doctors and engineers now.  We both joke that "We could have been somebody" had our parents gave us a curfew and asked to see our report cards.  :) 

 

I try to balance hands off vs. pushing by identifying the child's talent and supporting that talent in every way possible with the best teachers, best instruments, etc.  My son is definitely the academic, and my daughter is quite the violinist.  DS also plays cello and piano, and they all go to tennis lessons several times a week.  They take art class for fun, and have plenty of playdates and field trips.  What I care most is that they have a work ethic, and are willing to put in some sweat for whatever they do in life.  I think the combination of talent and hard work is when a child will excel and enjoy their skill.  That takes some effort from both the parent and the child.

 

[swellmomma]

I never really excelled at anything and was never given the chance to. My parents were very hands off about academics, I always missed honour roll by 1%, usually due to failing PE. If it wasn't softball or girl guides I wasn't allowed to take it, I hated softball so I quit when I was 11. Girl guides I did for 9 years and got the highest awards you could get at that time. I did band in junior high but struggled and my folks made fun of my practicing and I was relegated to practicing outside (hard to do in the winter in Alberta) because they didn't want to hear it. I was good at working with kids, and have been doing that since I was 11. I was on the high-Q team in 7th grade, it was like reach for th top, I did some competitions in malls and on tv, but didn't really stand out other than being the only girl on the team. I also did some speech competitions in junior high, won bronze, silver, then gold respectively, then stopped doing them. I did them to push myself past my extreme fear of talking in front of others, once I won gold I figured there was no point in continuing.

 

When it comes to my own kids, I am of the set that says explore lots of options. They usually have to finish a full season once committed but they don't have to do so beyond that. I try to encourage practice and help if I can, but if they refuse to practice I let them fail at the activity as a consequence. I do what I can to support their interests, like right now my 2 that are into art are in expensive art classes, my dd16has always loved horseback riding so I sent her to a 2 week horse camp etc. None of them are childhood prodigies or anything, they are pretty average over all. But I have never wanted their lives to be a competition, I just wanted them to have the chance to try lots of things and find their interests etc. Something I never got to do. Maybe one day they will look back and think I did it wrong that I should have pushed them more, but only time will tell.

[FO4UR]

OK, I won't let my kids quit piano now, 4blessingmom.  Thank you for the reminder about the importance of piano skills.  I wholeheartedly agree!  :)

 

I was really good at piano...so good that I received a scholarship to a very nice college for music.  My parents never asked me to practice (they were always in the other room watching TV) and I would always learn my music very quickly before my piano lesson.  I think I was just naturally talented and had a very good ear for music.

 

When I went to college, however, I realized how ill prepared I was for higher level music.  I really struggled and had serious self esteem issues from my lack of preparation.  Performing in public was always a nightmare.  I really, really resented my parents' hands off style of parenting once I got to college.  I wish they had been a little more involved and supportive of my talent.  I still feel like I could have been a much better musician had I been pushed a little more when I was growing up.

 

 

 

If I saved one future musician...   :hurray:

 

My theory/sight-singing/ear-training teacher explained her attrition rate at the beginning of every semester. "50% of you sitting here today will not pass this course." And, she was right. It was, by far, the most difficult class I've ever taken. Honestly, I think the painful torture of calc & physics in high school helped prepare me for the level of endurance needed for music theory.  I got used to the idea of getting a B (instead of an A  :glare: ) and struggling to keep up or else.

[daijobu]

 

I was really good at piano...so good that I received a scholarship to a very nice college for music.  My parents never asked me to practice (they were always in the other room watching TV) and I would always learn my music very quickly before my piano lesson.  I think I was just naturally talented and had a very good ear for music.

 

When I went to college, however, I realized how ill prepared I was for higher level music.  I really struggled and had serious self esteem issues from my lack of preparation.  Performing in public was always a nightmare.  I really, really resented my parents' hands off style of parenting once I got to college.  I wish they had been a little more involved and supportive of my talent.  I still feel like I could have been a much better musician had I been pushed a little more when I was growing up.

 

By best friend from K-12 also had very hands off parents, and she is still resentful that she wasn't held more accountable for her academics.  Our neighbor's kids were children of immigrants, and their parents pushed them really hard to excel.  They had high SAT/ACT scores, stellar transcripts and resumes, and from there, their top picks in schools.  They are all doctors and engineers now.  We both joke that "We could have been somebody" had our parents gave us a curfew and asked to see our report cards.  :)

 

 

Thank you for writing this!  I also had hands off parents who preferred watching TV to pushing me to excel.  They preferred watching TV to parenting, frankly  They were generally encouraging and were happy to have me practice piano, but never pushed.  In fact, they would brag to other parents about their hands off parenting style; they never pushed like those other mean parents.  

 

While I'm happy being a mediocre at tennis and piano, I really burn up when I think about lost time in my childhood that could have been spent in productive academic endeavors.  I would have really loved it if they had told me to turn off the TV (I watched a lot, too.)  and--I don't know--do something productive.  Learn a foreign language!  Study math!  Learn a new craft or hobby!  Pursue something --anything-- of value or worth.  Instead it wasn't until middle of high school that I decided that watching so much TV wasn't helping me to excel and I had a dim sense that there were other kids in other schools who were working harder than me.  

 

Fortunately it didn't stop me from studying engineering and medicine, but I am resentful that my parents implicitly take credit for what I accomplished in spite of, not because of them.  I console myself that the 70s and 80s were another era in parenting, although it was eye-opening to me that some of my colleagues in high school had stimulating intellectual home lives.  I couldn't help being jealous.  

 

I am also sad to read of Donna's experience and her lost opportunities.   :grouphug:  to Donna.  

 

Needless to say, my kids are getting a different parenting style.  

[Arcadia]

But there is muscle memory that must be learned by puberty, I'm convinced, or it simply never comes like it should.

...

When I look at my kids' interests, I think of the foundation that needs to be laid. Wanna be an engineer? MATH! Wanna be a writer? GRAMMAR! Wanna be a tech-inventer? Piano! ( :lol: )

 

Hubby plays the clarinet and did okay picking up piano after college.

 

I think informal logic comes before maths or grammar.

 

Honestly, I think the painful torture of calc & physics in high school helped prepare me for the level of endurance needed for music theory. I got used to the idea of getting a B (instead of an A :glare: ) and struggling to keep up or else.

It was the other way around for me. I did my abrsm music theory homework in math class in elementary school. Memorizing music history was more torturous than all the maths and sciences combined. Music analysis and composition which I took in 9th grade was relatively easy. I started piano at 4.

 

ETA:

The main work for musical analysis was Beethoven's 5th symphony.

Edited December 28, 2015 by Arcadia

[elegantlion]

I was a good trombone player in junior high. First chair my entire 8th grade year, only girl playing too - I loved that part - I liked hanging out with the guys. I was also a good student, but not as good as my sister. 

 

Besides that, not much. We didn't do extra curriculars because of cost and no transportation - my dad worked afternoons and my mom didn't drive. It took me begging for them to buy me a trombone. I inherited a piano and taught myself to play enough to entertain myself. I could draw, but not enough to win awards. I wrote stories and poetry, but no one encouraged me to pursue that. 

 

I hated getting compared to my sister, she is older by almost 3 years. He was gifted academically and lousy at gym, I got judged for both of those things, not as good academically, not as lousy at gym - but the expectation that I was like her was there. It was weird. We don't look too much alike, but we had the same curly hair except hers was blond. 

 

I had a weird experience this semester at college. One of my professors was introducing my group to another student and the professor called me by my sister's name. I'm 48 and in college. My sister attended the same college after high school - so several decades ago. I was used to in school being called by my sister's name once in a while, but never at this school. It turns out this professor had worked with my sister on some research and after all these years remembered her quite well - enough so that I subconsciously brought her name to mind.  :lol:

 

I did excel at getting into trouble as a teen, not real trouble, just breaking curfew and getting yelled at by my mom at 2 or 3 a.m. That was one thing my sister never did, so I had at least one thing to myself.  :coolgleamA:

[lailasmum]

I started photography as a teen and was good at that fairly fast. It was something I did totally off my own back and signed up for adult education classes.

 

I have frustrations from childhood though, I was quite academically minded and loved learning but had unacknowledged dyspraxia so never really excelled and my parents were a bit detached, never really involved educationally. They'd want high scores on tests but never knew what was going on or why things weren't always good so it limited solving any problems or getting help and I wasn't performing poorly enough to be a problem to anyone else.

 

I also liked music but lost interest by 14 mostly because I wasn't allowed to play the style I loved and generally didn't get on with my teacher. I do wish I still played and had kept it up violin but being able to read music has been useful for shows I've worked on. I'm was not a hugely talented violinist but it would have been fun to do it now.

[Donna]

 I am also sad to read of Donna's experience and her lost opportunities.   :grouphug:  to Donna.  

 

 

Thank you, daijobu. I don't know that I ever really looked at them as "lost opportunities" at the time except that I was sad to not be able to do those things and felt let down. Back then it was just a fact of life, so to speak. I didn't think about those things as affecting my parenting style until this thread came up…except for the decision to homeschool.

 

I am happy with where I ended up in life. I have a family I love, a job I love, and I am able to help my kids enough for them to excel where they want to excel. So in the end, I guess it all worked out. I might be a completely different person if I had those opportunities when I was young.  :001_smile: