S/O of Seeking Him Affairs Thread

[DesertBlossom]

What thread is this a s/o from?

 

For me, it depends. It would be near impossible to find someone else who gets me like dh does. He sets the bar awfully high.

[hornblower]

What thread is this a s/o from?

 

 

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/550392-i-just-dont-get-it/

[DragonFaerie]

Twice married, twice divorced.  I don't believe the "third time's the charm."  I'm incredibly introverted, and I like having my own space and doing things my own way.  I won't say never, but I can't imagine it.

[Hunter's Moon]

Another thought that a PP brought up and I hadn't even thought of - it would be near impossible for me not to compare, which would obviously be hugely unhealthy for the relationship.

 

DH has also said no, though I wouldn't be offended (from beyond the grave ;)) if he did remarry or enter another serious relationship.

[Cottonwood]

Absolutely. Its just what I want for myself and I enjoy it very much. The choice of husband would be crucial of course, but I would go for it if it seemed right...considering kids, finances, etc etc.

[Susan in TN]

I said definitely open to the idea because I am not against the idea. I can't imagine wanting to remarry, but I have seen it happen many many times; my elderly aunt and a 90yo lady from church remarried several years after their husbands died.

[ebrindam]

No. It could never be as good as it is with DH and after being with him, I could not/would not settle. 

[Danestress]

Who can say?? My mil lost her husband when she had 3 young boys. She remarried two years later. She was very lonely, he was a widower with 2 young kids, it was a good situation for everyone. They are still happily married. Never say never.

Yeah, I was only speaking for my current and future self. When I was young and had young children, I think it would likely have been my desire, with the very right man.

[SproutMamaK]

I'd absolutely be open to it... but I'd want a lot of time to just be by myself first.

[Reefgazer]

This is a good follow up question; I feel a follow-up poll coming on. 

 

I'm surprised by the number of definite "no's".  Not being critical of that, just surprised.  I was quite happy when I was single, so my own "Yes, I'd consider it" was a surprise.

You know what would be interesting? Finding out how men would vote.

 

I am willing to bet that while the vast majority of us women said No, or Depends, the majority of men would say Yes.

 

I think I read a statistic that said men are more likely to remarry after divorce or their spouse dying. That is absolutely what I've seen IRL, and while that's anecdotal, I imagine it's not far from the truth.

 

[edelweiss]

Definitely not-- for many reasons. I can't imagine finding a guy as good as my DH. Also, I would never ever consider having a step-father for my daughters while they are still living at home. I don't think that would be fair to them at all. Even when they are older, I wouldn't consider it because I would want the remainder of the estate that my husband and I have accumulated to go to them. Finally, I am 46 now. I can't imagine dating again or being intimate with anyone else at my age. It just icks me out.

[Donna]

My first response when I read the question was "definitely no." 

 

I love my husband and can't imagine being this close to anyone else…he's the only one I have ever been this close to. I also think it would be hard to find someone at this age…everyone has baggage. I know my husband's baggage. I've known him since middle school and have been with him since high school. I don't know that I want to deal with someone else's baggage. I would be happy being on my own...but who knows what might happen in my life or who might come into it so I went with "depends."

[xixstar]

I marked depends but am probably more a 'most likely'. I would probably be open to the idea - while I feel I have the perfect partner for my life now, I don't think that means that there cannot be another great person out there too. Having young children would be a hindernce, I dated before with a younger child (and eventually married my current husband) and there are subtleties there that were more complicated than I really realized at the time. Not to say I couldn't find an amazing step-parent out there, just that I really understand how much work it is even with the best of efforts and I would think long and hard about it.

 

I have watched my mother get on in years now and I know she misses the love and companionship in a partner (she was divorced many years ago).  I don't know that I would want to move into old age without someone, I do so enjoy having both someone to love and someone to love me (yes, I'll admit that too).

 

I have actually put a lot of thought into this situation and mostly picture the single phase for a bit - though in my thoughts my children are already grown. But all the men in my family have passed away too early in life, all suddenly too (car accidents or unexpected medical event), so the idea of actually growing old with my spouse surprises me a little just because it is not a reality I have seen played out. Of the all the women in my family to lose their spouses, all of them have remarried again (and they all had grown children).

[foxbridgeacademy]

Eight daughters. Unless I knew the guy from childhood, nope. Lack of trust issues.

 

Plus, frankly, I think I'd compare and nber two would have to be SuperMan to not be lacking.

:iagree:  Dh teases all the time that he's like Mary Poppins "practically perfect" but in reality he's pretty much perfect for me.  How could I ever find someone who wouldn't suffer by comparison?  I wouldn't want to do that to another person or set myself up for that kind of failure.  

[Above The Rowan]

I voted 'other'. 

After my divorce, I said I would not legally marry again. 

But I'm currently in a committed common-law relationship with someone I love very deeply. We just bought a house together, and we raise my kids together, and for all intents and purposes we are 'married' to one another. But I'm not in any big honkin' rush to walk down an aisle again, to be honest. 

I really think that if my current partner passed away, I would not want to do this "step/blended" family thing again, but would probably date or have a non-living-together relationship. I like being on my own, and am pretty independently-minded so I don't think I'd have a relationship of this level again, no. 

 

But. Who knows. I swore I wouldn't 'remarry' after my divorce, and here I am in what I would completely consider a marriage. So you never can say never, I guess. 

[Liz CA]

Not as long as there are mastiffs in the world...or Boxers for companions with a protective factor. :)  At my age, I could not see having the energy and time to establish a solid relationship all over again.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I asked DH and he said no, made some smart (as in funny) remark about me being a PITA, he wouldn't want to do it again.  I do think he would but I'd think for his sanity as well as everyone else's he'd wait until DD is out of the house (she'd make life hell for everyone).  I can't imagine him being completely alone for a long time, women seem to love him :glare: .

[Entropymama]

I don't know. Like a previous poster, I love my husband but I don't really love being married. I like to run my own show (possibly a side effect of being raised by a single mom) and sometimes it's hard. I'm not sure I'd want to do it again. He'd have to be more spectacular than dh, and that's asking a lot. 

 

Plus, I have six kids. Not many men out there are interested in that.  :lol:

[Bluegoat]

I said depends.  I like being married for the most part, and I also function a lot better.  And, I like men and kind of hate dating.

 

But getting married at almost 40 with three kids and a bunch of strong opinions about life might not be the same as at 26 with no kids and willing to do all kinds of things.  It could be hard to find the right person.

 

On the other hand, it might be more efficient, as I have a much more specific list of requirements.

[Kile529]

I voted definitely no. If I remarried, it'd have to be someone more wonderful than my husband, and that man just doesn't/won't exist. It wouldn't get any better than what I've got so, not interested.

[Rosie_0801]

So Bloke and I have to be caring, healthy and functional together. Bloke and my dd have to be caring, healthy and functional together. His kids and I have to be caring, healthy and functional together. His kids and mine have to be caring, healthy and functional together. I have to be able to get along with his mother, his friends and his ex wife.  He has to be able to get along with his ex and his kids like a civilised person. He has to be able to overlook the huge liability that is my ex husband and the other huge liability that I haven't a brass farthing and no intention of getting a job until I get my daughter with handfuls of learning disabilities launched.

 

Does that even sound realistic?

 

"If I could find a man who would take me for fifty pounds a year… But such a man could hardly be sensible and I could never love a man who was out of his wits."

[idnib]

I wouldn't, but I do think it would be good fro DH to remarry and I've told him that.

 

Every time I see this thread title, I hope SeekingHim's DH doesn't inadvertently see it on her screen!

 

 

[brehon]

I voted no. I love my dh very, very much; however, I'm not a good wife and am meh about the general concept of being married (especially to someone other than him).

 

Quite frankly, I never expected to marry at all. I am in no way "a catch": I'm a piss poor housekeeper and am introverted to such an extent that I am almost curmudgeonly, to say nothing of having very little physical attractiveness. On the plus side I work long and hard at my job and provide my family with enough for the essentials and a few extras. I am also damn good at my job.

 

 

[SereneHome]

oh lordy NO!

 

For one, I wouldn't want to start dating again, it sounds exhausting. 

 

And two - I really am very much OK being by myself.  In many different aspects.

 

Hopefully, my kids would visit and bring grandkids so I wouldn't get too lonely

[Hypatia.]

I voted no, but that's "most likely no, but technically anything could happen".

 

I have fond memories of living with my mom after she and my dad divorced, the happiest memories of my childhood (and through the teen years) were from that time period. All negative memories from when she remarried just a few years later. I only lived in their household for just under 2 years before being sent to live with my dad, but have so many negative memories that I still get a visceral negative reaction when I think about that time. So for the last 5 years before going to college, I essentially felt like I had no home. My mom had moved into her husband's place and my dad had moved into his new wife's place, I felt like I didn't belong at either. Good relationship with my stepmom, indescribably bad relationship with my mother's husband. So for me, if something happened to DH, I just wouldn't want to take a chance. 

 

After my kids were grown and out of the house? Maybe a long term relationship or companionship, but not marriage and I would want my own space. (Extreme introvert here also.)

[Guest]

oh lordy NO!

 

For one, I wouldn't want to start dating again, it sounds exhausting.

 

And two - I really am very much OK being by myself. In many different aspects.

 

Hopefully, my kids would visit and bring grandkids so I wouldn't get too lonely

Haha! Yeah, I think that, too! There is no way I would actively seek a new mate. If one fell into my lap at Home Depot while I was buying lightbulbs, I might be curious to see where it could go. But to actively look for a new mate and try on different models? No! That isn't even remotely appealing. Plus...TeA...navigating a new tea-brewing order/style/preferences - GAK! That is really close to totally repulsive to contemplate.

[Rosie_0801]

Dating sounds like a thing only extroverts can think is fun.

 

It doesn't set the scene well to say "Mate, if you want to impress me, feed me something interesting then let's go for a walk somewhere I can run away from you if you turn out to be a freaky scary person, but not to close to other people because I hate people."

 

They might feel the same, but it doesn't sound like a socially acceptable thing to say on a first date.

[Chrysalis Academy]

Hells no.  Dh and I got together when I was 29. I've never met anyone, before or since, that I'd even consider spending my whole life with. I can't imagine going to the effort of integrating another person into my family. My kids come first, and I wouldn't ask a different, non-dad guy to deal with that. Plus, I'm pretty self-sufficient, as long as I have a good car mechanic on speed-dial.

[PrincessMommy]

I answered definitely no.  I've actually thought about it a lot and I feel that once is enough.   But, I don't think it will come to that.  My dh's family has long-lived genes and I strongly suspect I will pre-decease him.   My kids are horrified apparently.  One of my daughter's informed me recently that she and her siblings have discussed the topic of their parent's death, and they all agree that they don't think they can handle their dad when I'm gone.  Oh well...  LOL.

[HRAAB]

I said definitely no to marrying again for a couple of reasons. One is financial. The other is a little harder to explain, but I can only see myself being married to the father of my children. This is only in regards to marriage. I can definitely see wanting companionship but not marriage.

[Seeking Squirrels]

Yes and no. I'd be completely open to a long-lasting relationship, but I don't know that I would want to get married again. So definitely yes if we're talking about finding someone else to be with. But maybe no if we mean the piece of paper.

[Joanne]

Yes and no. I'd be completely open to a long-lasting relationship, but I don't know that I would want to get married again. So definitely yes if we're talking about finding someone else to be with. But maybe no if we mean the piece of paper.

 

 

I'd be open to a (non cohabitating) long term - even life long - companion. Dinner, dancing, movies, some family events, stay overs, yes.

 

But since it would have to be on my terms, with a person that is *not* looking for a cohabitating, "romantic", consuming relationship, it seems unlikely.

 

I've discovered that men in online dating are not fond of overweight, over-educated, bitter sarcastic women anyway. ;) I might as well get another cat.

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

My dh knows my feelings on this.  I've told him repeatedly that if he dies before me, I'm replacing him with a giant, scary looking dog.  He's good with that.

However, I am 99% sure he would remarry, and probably fairly soon after I died.  He doesn't do well by himself.  I've even talked to my girls about not being bitter and hateful towards a new wife because their dad would need her.  (This comes from the hell my mom's family put my step-dad through after she died.  He was a man that didn't do well alone, and her sisters thought it was a complete travesty that he even looked at another woman.) 

[IsabelC]

I doubt I would marry again at my age but I'd be open to it. Also, not marrying again doesn't mean I wouldn't want the companionship of the opposite sex.

 

ETA: I voted that it depends, (in case it's not obvious from my post. :))

 

That's me too.

[Reefgazer]

Outrageously funny! I'm highly extroverted and actually liked dating when I was single (I am neutral about it now that I am married -just kidding!)

 

)

Dating sounds like a thing only extroverts can think is fun.

 

It doesn't set the scene well to say "Mate, if you want to impress me, feed me something interesting then let's go for a walk somewhere I can run away from you if you turn out to be a freaky scary person, but not to close to other people because I hate people."

 

They might feel the same, but it doesn't sound like a socially acceptable thing to say on a first date.

[kroe1]

I love DH, but he has been a huge financial burden. So I think if he died, I would consider shacking up, but never the legal restraints of marriage.

[sassenach]

It doesn't really sound appealing to start a new relationship, and I definitely wouldn't while my kids were still home, but maybe when I'm an old lady. Mostly, it sounds like too much work.

[rocassie]

It depends.  I don't particularly relish the idea of being married again.  My marriage is a good one and DH is a great man, but I have found marriage very limiting for me.  Companionship, sure, but I don't know that I want another husband.

[clementine]

It's hard to think about that.  My dh and I have so many inside jokes, places that mean so much to us, experiences that we first experienced together - that is what fills my life.  I can't imagine not having those in common with someone right away or having to start that all over again.  

 

I would love to not be alone, but would I only want companionship for selfish reasons?  Ugh, I hope I never have to make that decision.  

[inmyopinion]

I say yes, and I would want my husband to remarry, of course with the right one.

I tell my husband I want him to have been so happy being married that he wants to be married again.  I also tell him he should try to pick up his next wife at my funeral, since he would have the sympathy factor going for him.   :lol:  

[JenniferB]

No.

[PeacefulChaos]

It depends.  

I wouldn't go looking or actively seek someone.  But if it were to happen, so be it. 

[Scarlett]

I voted depends, but I lean more toward no. I endured a very bad first marriage but my current dh is so wonderful to me I don't think I could ever hope to find that again.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Definitely yes. I would have two young children, and I would want them to grow up with a dad at home. That said, I have an amazing step-dad, so I'm a believer.

[OneStepAtATime]

I would be willing to date, in time, I think, just for some interesting companionship of someone contemporary to me. I doubt I would marry again, though.  I have no interest in attempting to merge finances and life styles on a permanent basis with another adult at this point in my life.  DH and I have made it work and I am grateful.  I just wouldn't want to start the process over again, KWIM?  

[G5052]

It's hard to say.  Maybe in the right situation.

 

I have a friend who married her husband's best friend six months after her first husband died.  Her five kids (1-8 years old!) adjusted to him really well.

 

A relative was widowed and married one of her departed husband's brothers several years later.  She has one kid with one brother, and three with the other brother.

 

In those situations they already knew each other well and had been involved with the family before the loss of the spouse.  I think that makes a difference when children are involved.  I'd be very reluctant to bring in someone who wasn't into my children like I am.

 

One waited a few years until the oldest has graduated, and found someone through an online service.  They got married last summer.  

 

The other has dated here and there, but hasn't found anyone remotely compatible.  One really, really wanted to marry her and treated her well, but there were some non-negotiables that she wasn't happy with.

[Katy]

I said it depends, but I'm not sure.  I don't think I could find anyone I could get along with as well as DH, but I've heard that those who find one great love can find another, and do, in less than 10 years after a spouse's death on average.  But I would be very concerned about assets and messing with a child's inheritance, so there would need to be a very structured prenup in place.

[texasmama]

It depends.