Feeling Insignificant

[Tammi K]

Three weeks ago, Dh was away for a few days on a business trip. I had been needing a hair trim so I went to the local quick-cut place. While I was in the chair, I figured, what the heck, if I only get a trim every few years (pitiful, I know) and if I'm going to get value from  my $10 coupon, why not cut my waist length hair to just about shoulder length. The stylist cut off well over a foot.

 

Finally, this morning I asked, "If I wasn't telling you now that I got over a foot cut off my hair three weeks ago, just when do you think you would have noticed?"  He thought for a second and said, "Probably wouldn't have."

 

Yeah, so that happened. Not sure if I'm pissed or just really sad.

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Aiden]

=(

 

(Hug)

[BrookValley.]

:grouphug:

 

I'm sorry. I'd be pissed. Probably because being sad makes me pissed.

[Berta]

Do you keep it pulled back? I used to always wear my hair pulled  back and my DH never noticed my hair cuts. I'm like you, I go very rarely to get it done because I usually wind up taking the scissors to my own hair.

 

I lost 40 lbs before he noticed, and that was only after someone else mentioned it in his presence.

[BlsdMama]

I was wondering if you pull your hair back.

 

I'd be both to be honest. is he just incredibly not observant to physical attributes?

 

I'd be really upset with MY husband because he does notice things like that. On the other hand, he has different strengths and weaknesses than yours must likely.

 

If he jumped out of his characteristic conversation and noticed something not like him, I'd be shocked.

[bettyandbob]

I dyed my hair and dh didn't notice. I worked in an office with my father and brother at the time. They did not notice. The woman who lived in the adjacent apartment noticed. I think one man I worked with noticed.

 

A few years later, I cut 9 inches of hair. In doing so my hair was just shoulder length. Dh did not notice.

 

Do not take it personally. I was also upset at first. I realized some men just don't notice stuff. They really don't. That's the way they are. It is not that they don't care about you. Almost 24 years of marriage, I know dh cares, he just has blind spots.

[Incognito]

Having had long hair for quite a while (and a child with very long hair), if the hair is still past the shoulders almost no one notices.  Ever.  It's not about your DH.  

 

But I hear you on it being discouraging.  That is why I tell my DH when I have done it (right away), so I don't have to wait for him to not notice. :)

[Pippen]

I'd be mad AND sad.

 

If it makes you feel any better, once all three males walked into the kitchen where I was crying and not one of them noticed. I rarely cry and I would have thought hard to miss. My 2 year old daughter picked up on it right away.

[zoobie]

I'm sorry. That has happened here (not a foot!) and it hurt my feelings too. :grouphug:

[trulycrabby]

That exact thing has happened to me too. DH loves me, but unless I am, ahem, sans vetements, he juat doesn't notice. :o

[Rockhopper]

I'm sorry. That stinks!

 

You didn't ask for advice, so please feel free to disregard, but here's a suggestion, fwiw --

 

Early in our marriage, I started telling dh *in advance* the reaction I needed from him about something that was important to me.

 

So if I'd worked on a craft project all afternoon and I was thrilled with it, I'd tell him, "I'm going to show you what I did. I really love it and I want you to tell me *with genuine enthusiasm* that it looks great" or something similar, making sure I had total eye contact with him.

 

It sounds super-campy, I know. But it has really helped us out over the years. I get the affirmation I need; he knows what he's supposed to say. It removes the "will he notice?" question entirely from the table so I don't waste my time dwelling on whether or not he would've noticed on his own (which, tbh, he probably wouldn't).

[AlmiraGulch]

I'm so sorry that you feel that way.

 

I obviously don't know your husband, so I'm not sure if this is the case with him or not, but I honestly could be the one who didn't notice a foot of missing hair.  I realize how stupid that sounds, but I am sometimes completely oblivious to things right in front of my face, with no ill intent.  For example, when I was married to my ex-husband, there were several times when he rearranged the entire living room while I was out, and when I came home I didn't even notice.  I'm not talking about moving a lamp.  I'm talking completely moving things around, or even in at least one instance actually changing some of the furniture, and I didn't notice a thing.

 

All of that to say that maybe it's just how he is?  I don't know.  Anyway, sorry you're feeling sad about it.  

[AmyontheFarm]

I dyed my hair once - red.  I told my MIL to not mention it to my husband.  Three weeks went by.  My husband did not notice and my SIL mentioned how nice it looked during Easter dinner.  My MIL and I started to laugh when my husband suddenly looked up and checked out my hair.  He went bright red and bent his head back down to eat his mashed potatoes.

 

He told me later that my eyes are so beautiful he wouldn't know if I shaved my head.  What a goose!

 

 

[CaffeineDiary]

Some of us just don't notice that stuff.  Seriously.  It doesn't even register at all.  I once lived with a roommate who would periodically dye her hair, shave her head, etc.  I never noticed.  Eventually I learned to say "Hey, I like what you've done with your hair" about once every 2 months on general principles.  But I still don't actually notice.

 

If I wanted to theorize, I'd say this is in part because for those of us who work in office environments, commenting on other people's physical attributes only brings bad things, so we're sort of socialized to just filter it out.  But that's only a guess.

 

[JustEm]

I hope you feel better. I would try not to take it personal though. Some people just don't notice things like that.my dh does not notice hair cuts, hair color change, new clothes/shoes, rearranged furniture. This is not just with me though. He would not notice those things on anyone. I likely would notice either unless someone shaved their head or all of a sudden had a Mohawk.

[Maela]

It takes a lot for my Dh to notice haircuts, but he would notice that change! I think some people are just like that though. I'm sorry.

[Lovingparent]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

:001_rolleyes: Husbands! I am with trulycrabby. Sans vetements, husband attention. Avec vetements, no attention! 

If I had asked my husband about my hair, he probably would have said "I didn't notice because you always look good dear" Lame, coming from the guy who told me I should market the shorts I wear at home as the most efficient birth control  :lol:

[SemiSweet]

I'm sorry. That stinks!

 

You didn't ask for advice, so please feel free to disregard, but here's a suggestion, fwiw --

 

Early in our marriage, I started telling dh *in advance* the reaction I needed from him about something that was important to me.

 

So if I'd worked on a craft project all afternoon and I was thrilled with it, I'd tell him, "I'm going to show you what I did. I really love it and I want you to tell me *with genuine enthusiasm* that it looks great" or something similar, making sure I had total eye contact with him.

 

It sounds super-campy, I know. But it has really helped us out over the years. I get the affirmation I need; he knows what he's supposed to say. It removes the "will he notice?" question entirely from the table so I don't waste my time dwelling on whether or not he would've noticed on his own (which, tbh, he probably wouldn't).

 

 

I do something similar to this with a lot of things, I don't necessarily tell him the response I'm looking for but I give him clear expectations that I am looking for a response or reaction.  It has done a lot to eliminate miscommunication and sets us both up for success.  

 

I too, would be more likely to be the one that didn't notice.  I just have a habit of being a bit oblivious sometimes.  In fact, I tune out so much that my family knows I don't hear them unless they are making eye contact with me, which can be quite a source of frustration for dh because he is very audible and hears/listens to absolutely everything I say, but I don't do with ill intent at all.  My whole family is that way.  

 

:grouphug:  That said, I'm sorry you feel insignificant.  I do know how frustrating that can be.  

[Momof3littles]

Missing the haircut would not bother me if I felt I was being valued in other ways.  It may sound cheesy, but have the two of you ever identified your love languages or read that book?  Missing the haircut in and of itself may or may not make me feel badly, but I know that I would be much more affected by DH missing that I had it cut if I didn't feel like he otherwise "noticed" me  or did other things to make me feel loved.

[Momof3littles]

I agree that going forward you may need to basically talk to him at a neutral time, let him know what would make you feel loved, valued, or attractive, and give him the words you want to hear.  And try to take it to heart and hear him when he makes an effort.

[Liz CA]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

:001_rolleyes: Husbands! I am with trulycrabby. Sans vetements, husband attention. Avec vetements, no attention! 

If I had asked my husband about my hair, he probably would have said "I didn't notice because you always look good dear" Lame, coming from the guy who told me I should market the shorts I wear at home as the most efficient birth control  :lol:

 

:lol:

[Alicia64]

Having had long hair for quite a while (and a child with very long hair), if the hair is still past the shoulders almost no one notices.  Ever.  It's not about your DH.  

 

But I hear you on it being discouraging.  That is why I tell my DH when I have done it (right away), so I don't have to wait for him to not notice. :)

 

I really do agree with this.

 

I have a chin length bob and I let it get long for me -- touching my shoulders. I recently had it cut back up to my chin length. Did dh notice? Nope.

 

Is it that there are other things with dh that are bothering you? And this was the straw that broke the camel's back?

 

Alley

[BlessedMom]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

I am so sorry :(.

[Reefgazer]

They never notice anything to do with hair, makeup, or clothes; don't take it personally.

[RootAnn]

I'm with CaffeineDiary. I don't notice things - hair cuts, newly painted rooms (unless they still smell really bad), or glasses-on-someone-who-never-had-them-before. 

 

My DH installed the water dispenser on the refrigerator in our new house years ago. When I came home, he asked me if I was thirsty, got himself a glass of water from it, and did everything he could to make me notice what he'd worked so hard on. I didn't get it -- at all.

 

It wasn't until the next morning when I was about to leave for work that it dawned on me what he'd been trying to get me to notice. He was crushed.

 

But now he knows me & points things out very clearly because I just don't notice. My dd#1 has had to point out when a friend died her hair. DH notices when his &/or my friends get their hair cut. He notices when the kids or I have a new item of clothing. Unless I'm the one that bought it, I don't.

 

So, don't take it personally if that's his personality!

[TranquilMind]

Three weeks ago, Dh was away for a few days on a business trip. I had been needing a hair trim so I went to the local quick-cut place. While I was in the chair, I figured, what the heck, if I only get a trim every few years (pitiful, I know) and if I'm going to get value from  my $10 coupon, why not cut my waist length hair to just about shoulder length. The stylist cut off well over a foot.

 

Finally, this morning I asked, "If I wasn't telling you now that I got over a foot cut off my hair three weeks ago, just when do you think you would have noticed?"  He thought for a second and said, "Probably wouldn't have."

 

Yeah, so that happened. Not sure if I'm pissed or just really sad.

I'm sorry.

 

You know, there is a flip side to those men who don't notice the particulars.  They don't notice the bad particulars either!  Those extra lines that pile on after 50, that weight that wants to go straight to the belly, that ever-increasing gray hair....he doesn't notice!  You still look the same!

 

Don't be too hard on him.  If he isn't a detail person, then you just look the same all the time.  Now if he is highly detailed, and suddenly and inexplicably not noticing things, that would be a cause of concern, maybe. 

[TranquilMind]

I'm with CaffeineDiary. I don't notice things - hair cuts, newly painted rooms (unless they still smell really bad), or glasses-on-someone-who-never-had-them-before. 

 

My DH installed the water dispenser on the refrigerator in our new house years ago. When I came home, he asked me if I was thirsty, got himself a glass of water from it, and did everything he could to make me notice what he'd worked so hard on. I didn't get it -- at all.

 

It wasn't until the next morning when I was about to leave for work that it dawned on me what he'd been trying to get me to notice. He was crushed.

 

But now he knows me & points things out very clearly because I just don't notice. My dd#1 has had to point out when a friend died her hair. DH notices when his &/or my friends get their hair cut. He notices when the kids or I have a new item of clothing. Unless I'm the one that bought it, I don't.

 

So, don't take it personally if that's his personality!

I just said the same thing!   I could wear a plastic bag instead of clothing, and my husband might not notice, if he had something on his mind.  Or he would act like this is perfectly normal!  ;)

 

We've already pledged to "cover" for each other, should we ever grow confused or forgetful in our old, old age. ;)

[Cindy in FL.]

I think your dh's response was awesome!

 

I dyed my hair once - red. I told my MIL to not mention it to my husband. Three weeks went by. My husband did not notice and my SIL mentioned how nice it looked during Easter dinner. My MIL and I started to laugh when my husband suddenly looked up and checked out my hair. He went bright red and bent his head back down to eat his mashed potatoes.

 

He told me later that my eyes are so beautiful he wouldn't know if I shaved my head. What a goose!

[jrn]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[TammyS]

 

 

I lost 40 lbs before he noticed, and that was only after someone else mentioned it in his presence.

 

In defense of your dh, there is no universe in which a man mentioning a woman's weight works out well for him.

 

[RootAnn]

I'm also horrible with names. Dh & the kids "help."

[MicheleinMN]

Maybe you should dye your hair blue. 

 

 

I like blue hair!  Sounds like an awesome idea!

[marbel]

In defense of your dh, there is no universe in which a man mentioning a woman's weight works out well for him.

 

 

That is the truth.

 

But, I find I don't notice weight loss (or gain) on people I see all the time, because it's gradual.  Usually I have to have it pointed out to me, or I have to see the person in a different context than usual, or wearing something that somehow emphasizes the gain/loss, to finally notice.   I don't think that's unusual.

 

[Kim in Appalachia]

Men.  I got my hair colored on Monday for the first time ever.  I even mentioned to my dh that I had been there. He still hasn't noticed. :D  My kids all have, well maybe my oldest son has not. He hasn't said anything.  

[Cinder]

We had a similar incident here where dh didn't notice a big haircut--one of my dc did, though. He comes back with, "You don't notice when *I* get a haircut." Like there's anything to notice. He hardly has any hair so a haircut for him is about 1/4". :p  Plus he gets his hair cut at least once a month whereas I usually go at least 6 months between cuts. So from then on it's been a running joke between us that I *notice* his haircut. I always just say, "Hey, great haircut!" and we have a chuckle about it together. :D

 

He still doesn't notice when I get a haircut. :laugh:  But then I prefer to wear my hair up so it *is* hard to notice.

[Ripley]

Even when there's a reasonable explanation to be had, it's hard not to feel hurt ... hard to not take it personally.

 

Hopefully it was a fleeting emotion? If not, I hope it's at least beginning to fade.

 

Parenting has seasons where we can be left feeling insignificant - lots of work for little to no immediate recognition. 

Naturally it would also sting if our marriage left us feeling that same way - even if just for a fleeting moment.

It would most people, even those who aren't particularly sensitive to these things.

 

:grouphug: I hope you feel better soon.

 

 

[Starr]

I'm the loser here. In my ancient past I missed the memo that my boyfriend shaved his beard!.  :svengo:  :lol:

[Desert Rat]

That was very hurtful of him, Tammy. I would have said just that. :(  I'm sorry. 

[StephanieZ]

:( I'm so sorry. That totally would hurt my feelings, too. That said, the optimistic explanation is that some people, especially men, are just completely clueless. I'd like to think that your dh just loves you, no matter what, and is essentially blind, but that doesn't matter, as he'd still be your loving husband if he truly was blind. If he's a good egg otherwise, I'd just keep telling myself that. (((hugs)))

[StephanieZ]

Maybe you should dye your hair blue. 

 

I actually completely love this. You could make it into a joke. You could truly dye your hair blue. Then a week or two later, pink. Then blonde. Then jet black. Don't go cutting it dramatically, because you can only go so far until you are bald, and you want to milk this for a long time. You should also shop for fun new clothes. And accessories. And shoes. And get a facial. And a massage. And a tattoo. And then go for another crazy hair job. Oh, I can see having a lot of fun with this. Of course, it can only work if you can bring yourself to laugh and enjoy it . . . if it stays painful, then he'll just feel worse and worse, and you'll feel worse and worse, and it'll be bad. But, if you can enjoy treating yourself and trying new styles and things that you like, then I think it could be a way to purge the bad feeling while also making a point to your dh that you need a little attention . . . or else your new hobby of shopping and pampering is going to get pretty expensive. (Although likely cheaper than a divorce, lol.)

[wintermom]

I guessing that your dh didn't marry you for your long, flowing hair. He must be attracted to all the other wonderful qualities that you have.

 

When I cut off my hair and donated it to Angel Locks for children's wigs, my dc had a fit. They were so mad at me. They still haven't forgiven me. They are opposed to big changes in their mommy.

 

So, even though some recognition that you cut off some hair would be nice, and expected, I'm sure you could find other things to get upset about that would have more meaning in the big picture. Or just laugh it off and get on with a wonderful life.

[dtsmamtj]

Well and then think of all the stuff you could get away with. 

 

Ok..in all seriousness I think I'd be bugged.  Then again some people really just don't pay attention to details.  Don't set him up to blow it.  Just say...hey I got my haircut;...whatta ya think?! 

 

I had a friend who bought a new bookshelf/display piece.  I remember her telling me she needed to get straight home and get it put in place because her husband would notice it if it sat in the middle of the room, but not if it was against the wall with books, etc. placed on it  :rofl:

[freeindeed]

:grouphug:  

[Truscifi]

My dh is like that too. I started telling him in advance that I was going for a haircut so he would know to "notice" when I get home. He still doesn't always.

[DawnM]

I just got a haircut, about 5 inches off.  No one has said a word.

Now I am not thrilled with the cut, so it is entirely possible no one is saying anything because it is a bad cut, OR, no one has noticed.

 

Dawn

[KrissiK]

I'm sorry. But I have to join the ranks of those who don't don't notice things. My mom was like that, too. When I was growing up, my dad would grow a beard, a mustache, then shave it off, then grow it again. And no one noticed for days. We were just clueless. Because my Dad just always looked like Dad and for some reason his facial hair didn't make a drastic difference in the way he looked.