My mother wrote this in my 13 yo son's birthday card:

[ThelmaLou]

"As a teenager, you are messy, naughty, unorganized, tardy, lazy, and loud. But we forgive all that just because you are and always will be our adorable grandson. Happy Birthday. Love, Mimi and Grandpa.
 

TBH, this particular child is the squeaky wheel in our family. But, my mom, (she and my dad live with us), is a very difficult and inappropriate person. Fortunately, my son opened this and didn't truly read it. He quickly handed it to me after opening it (he read what what was actually printed on the greeting card itself) and said he wasn't good at reading cursive. So, I started reading it aloud for him, but stopped very quickly. He was focused on the gift he was opening and didn't notice my abrupt stop. One of my other sons noticed, though, and asked me later what was in the card. I showed him and he was mortified, as were my husband and I. I was very hurt for my son that anyone, especially his grandmother, would put that down in words for a birthday card. I took it to basically say, "there's nothing to like about you, but we love you anyway."

 

I intend to respond to her directly, but don't even know where to begin. Could I be misconstruing this in any way?

[Ripley]

Since she lives with you - are these things she comments on or notices regularly? And if so, might she be trying to attempt some light-hearted humor that has fallen flat? Way flat?

 

My dad is a sarcastic and dry person. He'd write something like that. And there would be truth in it, like a back-handed compliment kind of thing. But it's usually his attempt at levity, and it usually comes off as mean and rude. I'm used to it and I don't care, but others tend to be mortified on my behalf. Really, though, I credit his attempt. He'd keep attempting even if I didn't ;) but I know deprecating humor just isn't his thing (and that it doesn't go over well because he's too cranky to carry it off well). I don't know if your mom is like this, or what the relationship is like, but hopefully this is the case here. I hate to think she really is just horrible and meant it just as she wrote it!

 

Happy birthday to her adorable grandson. :) I'd draw a big, fat sharpie line through the offending parts (even if I assumed they were a joke gone wrong) and display the card on a counter with the others. LOL

[Guest]

Geez. Send her a card for her birthday that says, "You're inconsiderate, rude, mean-spirited and ego-centric. Luckily for you, we're stuck with you. Happy Birthday for as long as you keep breathing!"  :glare:

 

Not that I would do that. Some people do think it's a fait accompli that teenagers are those things, so I could say she's trying to be funny in the tongue-in-cheek sort of way. But it was still a fail. If it was my mom, I would tell her I was shocked and horrified that she would say those things, even if she was trying to be funny.

[Garga]

This sounds like something my dad would write. Now that I'm grown I have diagnosed him with some form of Aspergers or Autism. He's 63 and not interested in a diagnosis and refuses to think anything is wrong with him. But something is clearly wrong.

 

The older I get, the less patient I am with his inappropriate behavoir. I'm just tired of it.

 

Since you live with her, I guess you could say that you didn't think it was a good idea to write that stuff on his birthday card. She'll likely come up with some excuse for it "it was a joke" or get defensive. Whatever. I would still tell her, without a lot of drama, that you wish she wouldn't write things like that on birthday cards.

[Mrs Mungo]

It reminds me of Mr. Darcy's first marriage proposal.

 

 

Telling people all about their flaws in a declaration of love doesn't historically go over well, but that doesn't seem to stop people from doing it. ((HUGS))

 

eta: I wouldn't be mad or talk to her personally. She'll just accuse you of being oversensitive and reassign oversensitive kids. No point in going down the road of being the one who can't take a joke.

[Melinda in VT]

Hmm. Although I wouldn't write this myself, I don't think it's inherently inappropriate or awful. For one thing, the "as a teenager" bit seems to be pointing to the phase of life he is in and not his personality. I'd have to take it in the context of the larger relationship.

 

I have people in my life who might write something like this, in jest. And I would take it as a joke.

[Guest submarines]

I've seen Hallmark cards like this. I think she's trying to be funny. I'd be pissed.

[Impish]

I think it's awful.

 

I mean, flip it around. How would SHE respond to a card w/you writing, "You're obnoxious, mouthy, rude, inconsiderate, and old. You'll die soon. But, hey, love ya!"

[poppy]

I think it's an attempt at humor but a bad one- 13 is way too young and sensitive.

Bad granny.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Wow. It's like some older people lose their filter or something. I too would just see it as a failed attempt at humor and move on.

Often the filter is lost.

[J-rap]

Do you think she was trying to be funny?  Wow, I'm glad you stopped reading it and that he wasn't paying attention!  Throw it away.

[Annie G]

She was probably trying to be funny. If my mom had done that to one of my daughters at 13, they would have been completely upset.  

 

Your ds might have read it more closely than you realize. Might want to just tell him that it was a lame attempt at humor.  

 

Sorry your mom wrote that- my parents lost their filter around age 70 and it has been a source of contention. 

[catz]

I think telling kids stuff like that can make it a self fufilling prophecy. A kid is told something enough times and they just believe it. If she didn't live with you or see you often, I would just let it ride. But I would without drama say something like "Johnny is at a sensitive age. Please do not point out all his flaws to him. We're working on it". And don't get into discussion about it. And I'd call her on every time without drama. If she has dementia or something you can talk to your kids about, that would be different.

 

We have a ton of dry, snarky humor in our family, but no, not ok in the 13 year old's birthday card.

[HRAAB]

I think maybe she thought it was cute and endearing in an odd way.  Like when I tell my dh that he absolutely drives me to brink of insanity and makes me want to scream over some little habit of his, but I love him anyway.  The main difference is my dh is an adult who knows I'm joking around and can process that type of humor.  If dh was more sensitive, I would never make that kind of comment, but we do joke around that way between us.  Doing it with a child is just so wrong and hurtful.  I'm glad you ds didn't hear all what it said.

[Danestress]

I tell my kids all the time that humor is not an acceptable excuse for rudeness or meaness in a home, so they are fully aware that, "I was joking" does not excuse ugly comments. Her card was insulting and she is too old to try to get away with it under the 'trying to be funny' banner.

 

But I don't know what I would do. You can't always talk jerks into being nice.

[athomeontheprairie]

my husbands grandmother is like this. I decided a long time ago that we were not going to let anything she say affect us, and we were just going to love her.

she is old, she hasn't had a particularly happy life, and I think while she intends something as a compliment it often comes across really inappropriate and mean. I think it's because she can't see the way life is through her hurt. her misery blinded her.

my kids are much younger then your son, and we had to have many conversations with then about what grandma says. they seem to know she's miserable. so we talked about how it's a cry for love.

since your mom lives with you if she is talking like this around your son, I would have a frank conversation with him about grandma. I probably would not talk to her about it. and I would probably chalk it up as a failed attempt at humor. Hugs OP.

 

ETA: this assumes it's part of an on going larger problem. if she's normally a kind sweet caring lady, then I would definitely talk to her :-)

[QuirkyKapers]

I think it was totally inappropriate.  Not funny.  Saying mean things and than trying to add something so it seems positive doesn't cut it.  I grew up with a mom like this.  If you confronted her, she would say I was too sensitive or making a mountain out of a molehill and laugh and say guess you can't take a joke.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I am not sure saying anything will do any good.  If she is like this and makes comments all the time, I would consider having them move out. 

[Irishmommy]

I would say, "Mom, I feel sure that you meant this to be humorous. If it were given to me I might even chuckle a little; but considering -'s age, I really feel it is inappropriate. At this age kids are very sensitive to anything and everything and the words you used were very negative and hurtful. I would think you would want to have a positive relationship with your grandchildren."

[elfgivas]

how old is your mom?  is this a new thing or the way she has been? 

 

and how is your relationship with your mom?  do you talk about feelings?

 

if she is with it and this is the way she has been and you talk about feelings,

i'd make tea, and say, "k, mom, tell me about ds's birthday card.  what were you hoping he would do or say or feel?"

 

"k, it wasn't funny.  do you remember being 13?  do you remember me being 13?  do you remember the summer i cried every single day?  that is this birthday.  i think it would be a good idea if you just loved him a ton and told him how wonderful he is, and i'll do the rest, 'k?"

 

what does your other son think you should do?

 

ann

[dirty ethel rackham]

In my family, that would totally have been taken as a joke, not in any way serious.  But that is how my family operates ... insults were terms of endearment.  It took me a long time to develop a thicker skin and realize that they didn't know that they were hitting a little too close to the bone.  If you don't think confronting her would do any good, I would try to explain it as "this is what people stereotypically think teens are supposed to be so she was trying to be funny.  She doesn't see you that way at all." 

[Catwoman]

Based on her phrasing, I think she was trying to be funny. You may not agree, but unless she is always picking on your son and criticizing him, I would assume that her intentions were good and try to let it go.

[clarkacademy]

it would be a joke here. No big deal at all. My kids would laugh they know how loved they are. I realize not all families are like this

[Catwoman]

Wow.  It's like some older people lose their filter or something.  I too would just see it as a failed attempt at humor and move on.

 

  

Often the filter is lost.

I see comments about people "losing their filter" when they get older (not just in this thread,) so it got me wondering at what age people qualify to be old enough to get away with the "she can't help it -- she's lost her filter because she's old" excuse.

 

I only ask because I, personally, am sort of looking forward to being old enough to say whatever I want and get away with it because people think I'm old and "not just right." I'm wondering if I might already qualify and am missing out on some good opportunities. :)

[Gentlemommy]

I'd be furious if someone wrote that to my kid. And on their birthday? No.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My mil would write something like that, and she wouldn't be trying to joke. She'd think she was saying that, no matter what, she loves them, even though she knows exactly how it would read. She's a narcissistic witch, it has nothing to do with a lack of filtering.  :(

[Haiku]

The older I get, the less patient I am with his inappropriate behavoir. I'm just tired of it.

 

I actually have found that the older I get, the more patient I am with inappropriate behavior in general. I just chalk it up to "people are strange" and move on. I've not got time to fret about other people's quirks.

 

I wouldn't say anything to your mom. Since your son didn't even notice, don't make an issue where there isn't one.

[Kathryn]

I'm with the "she was trying to be funny" camp. I wouldn't be offended. It sounds like she was going with a "teenage stereotype," not griping about your son's individual habits.

[Annie G]

  

I see comments about people "losing their filter" when they get older (not just in this thread,) so it got me wondering at what age people qualify to be old enough to get away with the "she can't help it -- she's lost her filter because she's old" excuse.

 

I only ask because I, personally, am sort of looking forward to being old enough to say whatever I want and get away with it because people think I'm old and "not just right." I'm wondering if I might already qualify and am missing out on some good opportunities. :)

 

My parents both lost their filter by the time they were 70. I'm of the opinion that they usually knew it when they said something that was inappropriate or insensitive. I didn't give them a pass because of their age...it was more that arguing with them wasn't going to change who they were or how they behaved.   It's sad when people treat others poorly and my parents don't seem to care that their relationships with children and grandchildren have been damaged by their blunt ways. 

 

They weren't like that when I was a little kid....or if they were I never noticed it.  And oddly enough, I see that kind of thing in a lot of adults these days...they say mean things but act like they're just joking. Or they start with ,'I don't mean to sound rude, but...' and then go on to say something totally out of line. 

 

I wish people would treat each other the way they are treated at Chick-fil-A. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

Hmm. Although I wouldn't write this myself, I don't think it's inherently inappropriate or awful. For one thing, the "as a teenager" bit seems to be pointing to the phase of life he is in and not his personality. I'd have to take it in the context of the larger relationship.

 

I have people in my life who might write something like this, in jest. And I would take it as a joke.

 

This was my thinking as well. Still, she could have written it as a more generic, "while teenagers can be messy, etc." instead of "As a teenager, you..." I might ask if the person intended it to sound that way, maybe as a heads-up to how she sounds when she writes like that. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Did she mean it to be funny? This is totally the kind of thing we do in our family. We do know it is in fun though.

[hillfarm]

Regarding the filter, my dm and mil are both getting older and both have said to me that now that they are old, they are darned well going to say whatever they want. My response was, "Fine, but if you are rude and obnoxious, then people will hold you accountable for your words and avoid you. You taught me when I was young that actions have consequences. If you intentionally make it unpleasant for people to be around you, then don't be surprised when you are left sad and alone. The choice is yours."

 

IMO, it is obvious whether an older person has lost their filter. Then they talk about inappropriate things with everyone, and they give tmi about personal stuff just as much as pointing out things about others. However, if it is as my relatives, and they can control what they say but just choose not to, then the filter is still there, it is just not being activated. For example, my mil started getting really snippy with her least favorite grand daughter, but she spoke politely and kindly with everyone else. This was not a filter problem. It was a result of the fact that she did not like the girl's lifestyle and felt it her right to "punish" her at every encounter. Then she was outraged when the girl called her a name that rhymed with itch and refused to come visit her at Christmas. I feel that the girl was totally justified. Old age certainly has a complex set of psychological issues, but IMO, bad attitude and poor social graces are not automatic perks.

[AimeeM]

I'm with the "she was trying to be funny" camp. I wouldn't be offended. It sounds like she was going with a "teenage stereotype," not griping about your son's individual habits.

 

My daughter would have been devastated had her grandmother put that in a birthday card - intentional or not.

[Acorn]

 

 

I wish people would treat each other the way they are treated at Chick-fil-A.

 

 

I don't understand the chick-fil-a comment.  Was that an autocorrect?

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I don't understand the chick-fil-a comment.  Was that an autocorrect?

 

Chick-Fil-A is well know by patrons for their customer service and the training and intention the company puts into that service.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Geez. Send her a card for her birthday that says, "You're inconsiderate, rude, mean-spirited and ego-centric. Luckily for you, we're stuck with you. Happy Birthday for as long as you keep breathing!"  :glare:

 

 

 

 

 

Love it.  I mean, we would never do this, but we can dream.....right?   :thumbup1:

[mathnerd]

My MIL and FIL would totally say something like that - and add on that the child had all the bad qualities because of the "poor uprbringing" he gets from his mother and not really his fault (and also add what a stellar job they did of bringing up their own kids). That is the way they are.

I would be furious if they gave my child a card like that - and I would not assume that my child did not read it properly - young kids have their own way of dealing with emotions and pretending to not read it could have been one such mechanism for dealing with hurt. I would talk to my son and make sure that he understands that what grandma says is not true and I would talk to grandma and tell her that it is inappropriate and to take her sense of humor elsewhere.

[Acorn]

Chick-Fil-A is well know by patrons for their customer service and the training and intention the company puts into that service.

 

Oh, okay.  I have been to some but they seem the same as other fast food places that have employees bus the tables, Panera, Fazoli's, etc .  I am more familiar with the anti-equality views of their CEO.

[Sara in AZ]

This sounds like something my dad would write. Now that I'm grown I have diagnosed him with some form of Aspergers or Autism. He's 63 and not interested in a diagnosis and refuses to think anything is wrong with him.

 

We finally got MIL officially diagnosed with aspergers at 73. She is known in our family for her inappropriate birthday cards. We look forward to each birthday to see what it brings. 😊

For example, she sent me a card once that had bums all over it farting on candles. I don't remember the joke, but it was kind of gross. My ultimate favorite that I have saved for years was to my husband...a picture of a hot guy running along the beach with the caption, "It's your birthday. You may as well get what you want!"

 

I think it's just a combo of an off beat sense of humor and not actually taking the time to read the cards carefully when she's choosing them. She only signs her name, so no writing. However, I think I could imagine what your MIL wrote to your son coming our of her mouth. I'm sure it would be in the generic as a joke about all teenagers. But it would still be dumb and we'd ignore it. Grandma's just like that.

[mirth]

Any chance there is some kind of running joke between him and her that you're not aware of?

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Oh, okay.  I have been to some but they seem the same as other fast food places that have employees bus the tables, Panera, Fazoli's, etc .  I am more familiar with the anti-equality views of their CEO.

On the business side, all customers are treated equally, pleasantly, efficiently, and respectfully.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I come from a filterless family.

[Chris in VA]

Geez.

 

I'd speak to her. If my mom did this, and it was meant in jest but was taken seriously, she'd be so sorry and go to him and apologize.

 

Guess there's no chance of that, is there?

[Eagle]

I googled it -- she copied it word for word from one of those websites that gives you ideas to write in cards for various occasions.

 

I think she was just trying to be funny and didn't know what to say.

[Trish]

My MIL writes cards filled with personalized scripture quotes, effusive praise and love. They're so nice they're impossible to throw out ever, so we have collections of them.

 

I have to stop taking that for granted!

 

She does it for all of us, not just the kids.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I googled it -- she copied it word for word from one of those websites that gives you ideas to write in cards for various occasions.

 

I think she was just trying to be funny and didn't know what to say.

 

I would never have thought of that; well done!

 

And if the internet is recommending it, how can it be wrong? :tongue_smilie:

[Catwoman]

I googled it -- she copied it word for word from one of those websites that gives you ideas to write in cards for various occasions.

 

I think she was just trying to be funny and didn't know what to say.

You are brilliant! I would never have thought to Google it!!! :hurray:

[DawnM]

I am sorry. Sounds like she was trying to be funny.

 

My mom is NOT trying to be funny when she says things like that, only to my ONE son, she is being manipulative and mean.  She has not had a filter for a long time but she is also never going to be invited or allowed to live with us.

 

Dawn

[Guest submarines]

I googled it -- she copied it word for word from one of those websites that gives you ideas to write in cards for various occasions.

 

I think she was just trying to be funny and didn't know what to say.

 

That's what I thought too--it sounded like a Hallmark Card, a canned phrase, rather than a personal message. I've seen something similar in the past.

[SproutMamaK]

I found the website that quote was on.... woooooow. Who would read some of those things and go "Wow, that would make a fantastic card!" At first I thought the whole site was a joke, but on reading it further it seems they're actually serious. No wonder they don't allow comments, lol.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So, Grandma might not have good judgment in her choices but it sounds like her heart was in the right place to take the time to try and find a funny sentiment to write.  I hope that any downed fences in the relationship are mended.