dirty ethel rackham Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I don't know if this is a JAWM post or a vent or what ... I just need to get this off my chest and maybe get some clarity. I have posted here before about not feeling like a part of my family (siblings, nieces and nephews, etc.) Since my mom died, I rarely see any of my family. 3 siblings have not lived in our area quite some time, but I would see two of them several times a year at Mom's. One sister who was local moved 10 hours away after Mom died 4 years ago. One brother is local, but he is getting a divorce and doesn't host anything. Most family doesn't come over to my house for some reason, probably because we are not big drinkers (dh has a few beers a week, but I don't drink.) Several didn't bother to send a card or gift for my oldest son's graduation, let alone show up at his party. I had been to every one of their children's celebrations, but since their kids are out of the house, we are superfluous. I found out that several siblings had been to town and had gotten together with my one sibling who is still local, but hadn't even bothered to call me up. I was very hurt when I had a picnic Labor Day weekend for my family members who were in from out of town and neither of these two families showed up. They said they would stop by, but there was more fun drinking to be had elsewhere, I suppose. I thought things were better after a family wedding in October where we had a great time and after this Christmas where we were invited to stay with my brother and I spent time with family. I hadn't seen my family around the Christmas holidays since my Mom died and everyone stopped coming up here. But, I realize now that this was just a false sense of security. My niece, who lives about 10 minutes from my house, had a baby in August. I always thought I had a good relationship with this niece. I have offered help with some things, but she had other family members that she relied on. Well, I have had a baby gift since August, but I can't seem to be able to go see her. She is always "busy." Yet, all over facebook, I see pictures of other family members who have been to see the baby. Heck, I could stop by for 15 minutes since I live so close, but she never has time for us. Well, I did try again - I facebook messaged her again asking when we could see her and the baby. She just replied that she doesn't have any time until FEBRUARY. That is it. I am done. I am so incredibly hurt. I want nothing to do with my family ever again. I know that this is a knee jerk reaction as I sit here in tears, stinging from the rejection. I am going to just pack up the baby gift and mail it to her even though it would cost less in gas to see her than it would to mail it. I don't want to hear people ask if I have any baby clothes to give her. I don't want to see any more facebook pictures of her and her baby, knowing that she doesn't want any part of me. I realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this is a minor problem. But, I really struggle with the loss of my mom, and thus my family, this time of year. I really struggle with the knowledge that I am left out of my siblings lives ... they have room for other siblings, but not for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry you feel so hurt. I have been through some very bad weather with my siblings but things are okay now that we are all older. I live far away and don't really have accomodations to have any stay with us comfortably. I'm the youngest. Our parents passed away 17 and 22 and years ago. My dh's family...I only hear from his sil and that is because we were friends in school first. Otherwise, if we didn't contact his family we would never hear from them except a nice card and Christmas gift once a year from his mom. His family kind of fell apart after his dad died but only in some ways. One of the crew was supposed to always have Christmas at her home and she gave up a year after fil's death, at least the part where she invited us. Part of what you're talking about may have to do with alcoholism, that's what we've dealt with in both families and why it was so awkward. I hope that you can get to a place in your mind and heart where you are not going to let it hurt anymore. It is their issue not yours apparently. The part about your niece though, sounds like she is just rude and I would have just dropped in or placed the gift on her doorstep and left, not expecting to be let in. It would be awkward anyway. Again, her loss. I don't know you very well, but you remind me of myself. I think maybe you are quiet and not ever quick with the tongue, trying to be polite and respectful most of the time and never giving anyone a piece of your mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I'm so sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry. I understand how it hurts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Ouch, Ellen. It must hurt to feel they don't consider your feelings. I would cultivate a circle of good friends and let family be what they are. You cannot change them. You can accept them without getting "beaten up" by them. I would lower my expectations of family and be pleasantly surprised if someone is cordial and considerate but don't think too much if they are not. It may never be what you would like it to be. It still hurts but hopefully less so when you have other people with whom you can plan get - togethers and who fill that void. I know family is family and friends are friend but sometimes family is not so kind, sane, safe and fun to be with but friends can be because you get to choose them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 ((Hugs)) I decided many years ago to surround myself with people who like and love our family. Our blood relatives are not always those people. It hurt to break some ties but years down the road I see it was best. I truly hope you find friends to become the family you long for. Do not allow the relatives to hurt you anymore!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I don't think it's a minor thing, it's rejection. I'm sorry. You are a lovely person. I've always admired how gracious and caring you come across online and would love to spend time with you in real life. They are the ones missing out. Really, they are. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 Wow that's extreme. Sorry for your hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 (((hugs))) I'm very sorry. That would hurt me deeply, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 That's not a knee jerk reaction, Love. That's a long time in coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I am very sorry. I would wonder if someone has not said something untrue about you to bring on such an unloving action.But I do feel sorry for a young child born to such an insensitive mother who does not want to bless a new baby with a wide circle of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: Ellen, I'm sorry, that sounds very hurtful to me too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: Ellen. I am so sorry. And that is not a knee jerk reaction. I would be incredibly hurt as well. I have no advice, as I just cried this afternoon about a circle of friends who have decided to shut us out. Just know that it is okay to be sad and hurt about it. And you are kinder than I would have been, as I would have given the baby gift to the first baby I saw. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Totally understand and sympathize. :grouphug: My daughter had lessons twice a week during the 11-12 school year in a town where my husband's nephew and his wife live. We're talking I drove 9 months up there at least twice a week and many times on Saturday. It is about an hour away. The school is a quarter of a mile away from their home. I drove by their house so many times when I ran errands. I called several times and left a message that we would like to see them. We asked to take them out to dinner or lunch. Never heard from them, not even to say that they couldn't meet up. Now we don't go up there anymore as my daughter changed schools. Anyway, the wife is expecting their first child. I will just send them a card wishing them well. I won't be knitting anything for the baby nor will I attend the shower. (In this family we get all the invitations for the showers.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You're not alone in this - there are many of us. It's a terrible, hurtful feeling. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I feel your pain. I had a similar situation a while ago. My younger sister always put friends before family and so would ditch me without a thought if her friends were doing some trivial thing. I decided that that it was okay. She needed to do that, but that I was going to ignore it. I was going to have a fun time with just my family and that people would gradually realize that they were missing out if they weren't with us. Sort of like saying 'the best revenge is living well". It did happen. She puts much more priority on getting together with me and my family. When there is a conflict there are still times when she might choose to be with friends, but that's okay. Some people take family for granted. They don't think that they have to make an effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadowlark Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I understand this sort of pain too, and am sorry that sometimes family isn't really family at all. I can't give a ton of advice since I was recently very stung as well, but one thing that has helped is to surround myself with people that VALUE me, love me and see me for who I really am. Those people probably don't know the real you anyway, so try not to take it personally. How they act is a reflection on them, and not you. Look deep within...is there anything you can learn from this? Run with it and leave the rest behind. You know who you are. Be proud knowing you've done what you can and that's all you can do. And finally, you're not alone. There are many people who struggle with family. It's been the most hurtful thing of my life...but I'm looking ahead and not back. Wishing you peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Hugs to you. So sorry. Yes, it does hurt. Like others have said, surround yourself with those who love you. Don't beat yourself up over those who don't. I've heard it said.." People do what they want to do." If your family wanted to, they would find ways to see you. Find others who appreciate you and spend your time and energy in them. From experience, it is so relieving when you finally give up trying to make family love you. Love yourself enough to let go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 I'm so sorry, Ellen. I live with this reality from family as well. Seems like your choices are: --Tell them you are hurt, and why. Either for yourself or in hopes of them responding positively. Only you can determine if this is appropriate or not. --Continue as you have been. They have no incentive to change and will not do so. --Build your own life, grieving the loss of a family system and ideal that you treasured, but focusing on your own family and on people who reciprocate your love. For myself-- I first chose option three (build my own life). It was a good option and felt free-er and better with every passing year. I then chose option two. In other words, I re-engaged with my broken family specifically because of the terminal illness of someone I grew up with. I walked the path with her until she died, and I mothered her children, for eight years. I would have continued mothering her children if needed, but they now have a stepmother and I am in another state. Now I am an affectionate aunt. It was/has been horribly painful not mothering them, but that was not my choice and I have to respect what their father wants, and have to respect the efforts of their sweet stepmother (who truly seems to be a gem). Which leads me back to option three (build my own life). The years that I spent connected in to my family system were years that were horribly painful. My relatives are often mean, rude, and very cold no matter how sweet I am, and no matter how much I sacrifice (have sacrificed) for them. My sacrifices do not change their perspective or their behavior. May God give you wisdom. I know how badly it hurts, and I wish it were easier. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 (((Hugs)))) That is terrible. I have a similar situation with my brother.....it is hurtful....I still have my mom though....I dread losing her..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Big hugs. Barring stinky breath, an obnoxious child, or a know-it-all personality, give it up. Everyone is an idiot, including our family. Since your posts here seem normal, interesting, and fun, I would guess it is their loss. Working in an ER, I am now jaded with peculiar outlooks on life's woes. But, everything in life seems to boil down to that last few weeks, as we are wearing our Depends, and preparing to meet our maker. I have made several observations. First, I have never seen step-children present during this time. Perhaps geriatrics do not have step-children, or those children do not introduce themselves as such. But, I know what. I see. Second, extended family is rarely present. There are exceptions to this. And it seems indirectly proportional to the age of the patient. I even saw a nephew once who cared for his childless aunt. But, this was a rare event, indeed. Bottom line, when all is said and almost done, it is the immediate family that matters. No one else. Concentrate on these people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 Grieve, then drop the rope. They are not into you and making it clear. Give that baby gift to charity. Cultivate like-minded friends and move forward with people who lift you up. You deserve it! I'm sorry that you are dealing with this...make 2014 a brand new start, one in which you don't bash yourself against the wall of their indifference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 So sorry! Time to let go. Don't cling to a porcupine. There are tons of wonderful people who would appreciate your love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted January 2, 2014 Share Posted January 2, 2014 In addition to all that has been said, I think you might consider removing the niece (and other family members who behave in hurtful ways repeatedly) from your Facebook friends so that you don't have to read about more hurtful behavior in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadowlark Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I second the Facebook thing. I had to block my family members and not seeing their name, pictures or anything else has helped remove their negative energy from my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm sorry, I'm sure that must hurt! I don't think it's too unusual though after the parents have died, if the siblings have taken quite different paths in life. Not that that helps, but I guess it is what it is. You have your own family now, and you seem like a really caring, thoughtful person. Sounds like your extended family isn't at that same place. Sometimes good friends are a better extended family than your real extended family, and that's okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 In addition to all that has been said, I think you might consider removing the niece (and other family members who behave in hurtful ways repeatedly) from your Facebook friends so that you don't have to read about more hurtful behavior in the future. Or just remove her from your feed. It is what I do when I want to limit my exposure to things that upset me without making a big Statement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Grieve, then drop the rope. They are not into you and making it clear. Give that baby gift to charity. Cultivate like-minded friends and move forward with people who lift you up. You deserve it! I'm sorry that you are dealing with this...make 2014 a brand new start, one in which you don't bash yourself against the wall of their indifference. I absolutely understand and feel your pain, as I'm dealing with something very similar right now. Actually, it has progressed beyond just being non-responsive or involved to actual rejection, for no reason I can pinpoint. I highlighted the bolded, above, because it resonated with me. One of my sisters and I have never been close, honestly, so not speaking to her really isn't a big deal. The other, though, stings. We used to be quite close, and then it turned into her always having some reason to never get together, and now just outright rejection. But really, it was her being unavailable and indifferent, for years, and me trying incredibly hard to salvage some relationship that probably was only ever superficial for her anyway. It's painful, but I can't change it anymore than you can. It's nothing you did, it's just how some people are. Let's both pledge to speak positively and affirmatively to ourselves, focus our energies and time on those people who are deserving, and try our best to keep the negative at bay long enough that it's just a dull ache instead of an active burn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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