nono Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Quick background: My Mom is in her 80s and lives in a nursing home a couple hours away. She has dementia and is one of the most determined people I know. Yesterday, I asked my Mom to try to live until Monday so we can all see her as a family one more time. If she remembers, we have a good chance of seeing her alive one more time. But she really wants to be gone. NOW. I feel badly that I asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Oh my word. :grouphug: You poor thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oasis Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :crying: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 So many :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Don't be upset with yourself. If you hadn't asked her, and something had happened, you would have always wondered if asking her might have made a difference. And if she's suffering from dementia, there's a very strong chance that she won't remember what you said -- and even if she was completely coherent, I think she would have been touched by your request, as I think it was very sweet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I understand. When my mother was dying, I just wanted her to be at peace, but I kept saying "hang in there" like everyone else. Then, the second she was gone, I felt simultaneously completely guilty for wanting her to be at peace, and desperately grasping for just a few more days, hours, minutes... anything for her not to be gone. There is no right or wrong way to feel, even if you feel it all at once. Just feel what you feel. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Super big :grouphug: for your mom, you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks everyone. She lived a good, long life. She's even had a wonderful time of it in the nursing home. She's ready to go. WHY couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut? Agggh. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go run on the treadmill. I hate running on the treadmill, so that should be a pretty good penance for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks everyone. She lived a good, long life. She's even had a wonderful time of it in the nursing home. She's ready to go. WHY couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut? Agggh. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go run on the treadmill. I hate running on the treadmill, so that should be a pretty good penance for me. Do not beat yourself up! If she is as determined as you say, it won't really matter anyway. :grouphug: And I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I think it's totally OK to ask, isn't it? I'm not sure how much the length of life depends upon will, but I know it does count for something, and maybe a lot. So, if she is a determined woman, as you say, and her mind is made up that she wants to go now, she will. If she chooses to honor your request and hang in there a few more days, well she can do that, too. You have not robbed her of her will somehow: if she heard, remembers, and complies, that's her choice. You're allowed to have opinions and make requests! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Nothing to add, just wanted to send some :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Don't be upset with yourself. If you hadn't asked her, and something had happened, you would have always wondered if asking her might have made a difference. And if she's suffering from dementia, there's a very strong chance that she won't remember what you said -- and even if she was completely coherent, I think she would have been touched by your request, as I think it was very sweet. I agree. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sahm99 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I feel so sorry for you :( How sad.... :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Quick background: My Mom is in her 80s and lives in a nursing home a couple hours away. She has dementia and is one of the most determined people I know. Yesterday, I asked my Mom to try to live until Monday so we can all see her as a family one more time. If she remembers, we have a good chance of seeing her alive one more time. But she really wants to be gone. NOW. I feel badly that I asked. Awww, that's got to be hard. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Thanks everyone. She lived a good, long life. She's even had a wonderful time of it in the nursing home. She's ready to go. WHY couldn't I just keep my big mouth shut? Agggh. Thanks for listening. I'm going to go run on the treadmill. I hate running on the treadmill, so that should be a pretty good penance for me. I'm so sorry. grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: I work as a hospice nurse. Your request isn't bad or even uncommon. Often our patients seem to wait until after they have seen all of their families before passing. I encourage my patients families to tell their dying loved ones when everyone will arrive to give their loved one the choice if they want to try to hold on just a little longer. It gives everyone some closure. Just as you asked her to hold on a little longer, afterward, you might want to thank her for giving you more time and tell her you are ready for her to go now and that you will be ok when she is gone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted June 20, 2012 Author Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: I work as a hospice nurse. Your request isn't bad or even uncommon. Often our patients seem to wait until after they have seen all of their families before passing. I encourage my patients families to tell their dying loved ones when everyone will arrive to give their loved one the choice if they want to try to hold on just a little longer. It gives everyone some closure. Just as you asked her to hold on a little longer, afterward, you might want to thank her for giving you more time and tell her you are ready for her to go now and that you will be ok when she is gone. :grouphug: Yeah, I had that talk with my Dad before he left, and yesterday with my Mom, while I saw her alone. Basically, I tell them they can stop worrying about me now, I'm 47, and while crazy as all get out, I seem to do OK in society. :tongue_smilie: My parents both had a good sense of humor. Thank you for your words. I see you don't post much, so I really appreciate it. (which doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the other comments and hugs!) We have been blessed to really get to know the staff at the nursing home, and they are simply good people! I walked out yesterday feeling bad knowing our time together is coming to a close. (Anyone in SE PA, feel free to PM me for the name of the nursing home should you be in similar circumstances). The phone rang a few minutes ago...rare here. I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. Wrong number. Really? Today??? And, in the scheme of things, I know this is soooo small. I have a great life. My parents lived long and were good folks. I think that's why I'm so mad at myself for asking for more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Aw, Sweetie. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 Praying for God's mercy on your family, Nono. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 That is tough. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 :grouphug:I'm sorry you going through this. Sounds as though your mom is a wonderful person and I'm sure she didn't mind the request.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Don't be upset with yourself. If you hadn't asked her, and something had happened, you would have always wondered if asking her might have made a difference. And if she's suffering from dementia, there's a very strong chance that she won't remember what you said -- and even if she was completely coherent, I think she would have been touched by your request, as I think it was very sweet. Yes, VERY sweet! My mom died of dementia and I remember it all very well. There's the knowing that they will be better off when they pass away and yet hating to let them go. It's just so very hard to deal with the whole thing. Just know that your mom knows how much you love her. Praying for you! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm so very sorry. Dementia is tough. I'm praying that your mother will still be there Monday...and for a miracle moment of lucidity for her with her family.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Mouse Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Don't beat yourself up, Nono. It's okay to be selfish sometimes. I'm sorry this is the way things are sometimes. My grandad said he wanted all of us to come for Thanksgiving when he was dying. He waited until he was sure we were all in transit and then let go. He got us all together. It was the best and worst Thanksgiving of my life. And he donated his body to science and his physical presence was gone before we got there. We got to keep the pretty pictures in our heads. He lived in Iowa. We were at O'Hare waiting for a connecting flight when he died. Don't know why I wrote that, just thought it might help somehow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug: I am so sorry, I will keep you in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug:, Nono. May the angels lead her gently into paradise.:grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I'm so sorry you are going through that. I can't imagine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbmom77 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 :grouphug: So sorry. Peace to you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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