Melissa in NC Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 It is hard to find teen homeschool girls in our area. My 12 yo dd meet another girl and they get along so well. The problem is the mother, let's call her Joan. When I first met her, Joan admitted she usually pisses off people in any group she joins. She asked one mom, Lisa, in our group why she spent money to buy a house in a ghetto then several weeks later told me she gets a bad vibe from Lisa and thinks she does not like her. :confused: Another mom, Beth, was 9 months pregnant and she admitted to me that she was saying things to aggrevated Beth.:glare: Joan does not like her husband but she likes the fact he jumps when she says jump. She told me that her dd even asked her why did she marry her father? She would rather her husband move out and they date once in a while and her kids live with her forever. She plans on moving to college with her oldest even though her husband's job is not very marketable. (He works for her family.) She is a nurse practionner and does home visits so I guess she could make a living. During our last get together, she went OCD about how I should send my oldest to public high school next year. (Oldest will be in 9th grade.) Her oldest is in high school and doing so wonderful. My oldest would be a square peg trying to fit in a round hole in public schoool so high school is not an option. She would not let it go. She did stop short of telling me I was a control freak. When I first met her, she was telling me about how she grew up around money since her family owned a business in town. Last week she told me how she ran away as a young teen and grew up in a group home. She says that someday she will kill her mother. I am starting to think she was trying out stories to see how I would respond. I suggested meeting at the beach on Thursday and she came back that she wanted to go to the pool on Tuesday and the beach on Thursday. I am an introvet and I like being at home but I know my kids need to get out so I agreed. (Her pushiness increases as the story goes on.) Here is what happened at the pool: -She wants to start skipping the group park time and just do things alone. (Trying to isolate us?) -She has a tree nut allergy. I told her I can not tolerate dairy, she told me that eating a stuff crust pizza would let me get over that.:001_huh: -A proposed sleep over on Friday for my youngest at her house turned into youngest sleeping over Friday night and both youngest and oldest sleeping over Saturday night. (Oldest had a try out on Saturday so she could not sleep over Friday.) She wanted my youngest from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. The kicker came when she laughed in my face about giving a food challenge to my youngest. My oldest has a physical and psychological reaction to red dye so I do not bring any red dye into my house. My youngest thinks red dye is gross since it is a by product of coal processing. The week before the pool trip, Joan made cupcakes. My youngest asked if they had red dye and Joan told her no. As Joan is telling me the story, laughing the whole time, she wanted to prove that red dye had no affect and she even said that she gave my youngest three, saying, "Here, I will let you have these." I asked if she knew they had red dye before hand and she gleefully said yes. (She is the hero, I am the villian for restricting her diet.) I wanted some time to digest all that happened and to have time to talk to my husband about it. So I send an email that neither girls could come for a sleep over. Plus, my weekend did fill up fast since a friend I have been trying to get together with had emailed and could either get together on Friday or two week from Friday to plan out her giving my kids Spanish lesson. Our kids adore one another and had not seen each other in a couple weeks and wanted to go play. Then my husband also wanted to take the boat out on Sunday. (Family outranks friends.) Email flew back and forth and she got pushy and I pushed back. She was sorry for going OCD about public school but she did not see the harm in giving my youngest a food challenge since she knew it was safe and she proved it. And the reason she told me to eat a stuff crust pizza is that she was gently trying to tell me to" pull the stick out of my ass and calm down". I told her I did not trust her and my dd would not be going over to her house alone or anywhere without me present. She still wants to do things just our two families but I am not sure it would be pleasant. I am adverse to confrontation due to my childhood (alcoholism and narcissism) and keeping boundaries is hard work for me. I do not think she sees me as a person with real feelings and I do not want to spend my summer using all my energies keeping her in line. If it were not for Joan's daughter, I would just sever all contact. Is it possible to allow their friendship without making myself miserable? What say the hive mind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 walk away. quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancer67 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 And run............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't know how you could avoid her yet still maintain the girls' friendship. It stinks and isn't fair, but I would steer clear and keep her away from my kids, even if that meant the girls couldn't see each other much anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't know how you could avoid her yet still maintain the girls' friendship. It stinks and isn't fair, but I would steer clear and keep her away from my kids, even if that meant the girls couldn't see each other much anymore. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Wow! Well, if you do choose to hang out with her you'll have some great stories to share with us. Personally, since she IS a nutcase and you aren't related, you should walk, no RUN away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 walk away. quickly. :iagree: I would not trust her around my children alone at. all. Not even for a second. Something is definitely not right with that lady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 walk away. quickly. :iagree:for many reasons but especially because of the way she wants to try and isolate you. I've viewed a similar scenario from the outside and the ending was not happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 If you want the girls to maintain a friendship then you have to be really firm with your boundries. I would only allow the friend over my house. No sleepovers. No mom allowed to hang out either. If it was me, I would explain to dd that mom is a nutcase and you are sorry but the friendship can not continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 You are exposing your child to danger and a toxic woman. I'm sorry that it will mean that your daughter will lose a friend, but it isn't worth it, in my opinion. Some friendships between kids and parents can be separated but this one can't because the mother inserts herself in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 There is NO way in the WORLD I'd allow this lady's special kind of crazy in my life. She's not a relative. Run away. Fast. See her at park day if she shows up. Smile, wave, and then sit on the OTHER side of the park. My word, I can't imagine any reason I'd keep being around here. I understand your kids like her daughter. But I'm sure there's other nice kids around that don't have crazy mothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wren5 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I definitely agree. However nice the daughter seems, realize that she lives with, and therefore is influenced by this woman who seems manipulative and has proven she doesn't really care about your wefare (the red dye) and is willing to risk your daughter's health to prove that she knows best. That's pretty scary to me. I know what it is like to want friends for you/your dc (this is an area we have also struggled in) but your safety (mental and physical) are not worth a friendship, imho. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 She is a loon and possibly stalkerish, definitely not stable. Run, run, run....like the wind. Don't look back. Be firm, never see her again and even though your dd won't be happy, hopefully she will eventually understand that you are protecting her. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Psycho, possibly dangerous. I was already gobsmacked by your post, but when I got to her comment about you needing to eat stuffed crust pizza because you need to.....well, that's just the limit. I feel for her daughter. Good grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2Two Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Dd will understand, I had a similar situation and don't regret pulling my dd away from this family for a minute! It is about protecting your child! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I vote psycho, so whatever else she might be doesn't matter much. Stinks for the kids, but I agree with everybody else: cut her loose. Fascinating, really, how so many of these whackjobs play games with food. They want to sneak things past us, prove that allergies don't exist, call CPS if we give our kids foods they don't approve of. What part of our lizard brain is so connected to controlling what other people eat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't know WHAT she is (narcissist or whatever) but I would not be sticking around long enough to find out. The woman is way out of line in both her words and actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WagsWife Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Run, and run fast! I knew a lady just like this. Everyone in our homeschool group was terrified of her. Even the ladies who were friends with her, were scared to set this lady off. Her daughter and my oldest were pretty good friends. I allowed it for awhile, because sometimes when you homeschool, you just have to make friends when they come...but the mom ended up trying to come between my daughter and I. She did not like me (the feelings were pretty mutual) and when Chaney would be at her house, this lady would tell her all the reasons why I was wrong. The final straw was when she manipulated my daughter into being very upset with me. Luckily, after thinking about it, and talking to me about it, Chaney was able to see how this lady was manipulating things to make me the bad guy. We cut things off pretty quick after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Sorry, but your dd is just going to have to lose a friend. There is no way you should continue to do anything with that woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissad2 Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 :iagree: with pretty much everyone! RUN!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't think I would need to pinpoint the pathology of a person who has decided it is their mission in life to undermine every parenting decision I make. I think I would ponder that particular question at my leisure, having fled the crackpot's clutches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't know how you could avoid her yet still maintain the girls' friendship. It stinks and isn't fair, but I would steer clear and keep her away from my kids, even if that meant the girls couldn't see each other much anymore. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Bipolar? Whatever, I'd have the daughter to your house for visits and that is IT. This person has extraordinarily poor judgment and seems to love to cause trouble. Poor daughter. Imagine growing up with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I don't think I would need to pinpoint the pathology of a person who has decided it is their mission in life to undermine every parenting decision I make. I think I would ponder that particular question at my leisure, having fled the crackpot's clutches. :iagree: You probably don't need yet another person saying this, but, yes, get away. My daughter is very lonely and lacking in friends. But we have still had to reject people for various reasons. Sometimes it takes her a while to come around to agreement with me, but she always does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I think it is very odd that you are posting, asking about whether we think this woman is a healthy friend or not!! Wow. I wouldn't have ever let it get anywhere near as far as you did. I don't let my children sleep over at houses where I don't know the family VERY VERY well, and am honestly appalled at your lack of boundaries and the choices you have made here. Just...wow. I am more shocked by you ASKING than I am about the woman's behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Just keep swimming hon, as far and as fast as you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 You are exposing your child to danger and a toxic woman. I'm sorry that it will mean that your daughter will lose a friend, but it isn't worth it, in my opinion. Some friendships between kids and parents can be separated but this one can't because the mother inserts herself in there. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 (edited) The woman is a nut. And a dangerous nut, at that. What if your child had experienced a deadly reaction to the red dye??? :eek: I'm sorry, but I think you've been way, way, way too accepting of this crazy, lying, judgmental, toxic woman's behavior, and I think it's time to immediately sever all ties with the family. I know you want to be nice, and I know you like the dd, but your own family's safety is far more important. I feel sorry for the dd, too, and for yours as well because she will be losing a good friend, but that mother sounds like they type that you eventually see on the news for doing something horrible. She sounds unbalanced at the very least, and dangerously psycho at the worst. I would never, ever allow my children anywhere near her, and personally, I'm amazed that you and your dh didn't tear her apart after the food dye incident. She could have killed one of your children!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please, please don't try to see the best in this woman. I hate having to tell anyone that they are too nice, because genuinely nice people like you are hard to find, but in this case, being nice is putting your kids at risk (and maybe yourself, too, if she ever turns on you when you're alone with her. She sounds unstable.) Protect your family. Ditch that family and don't look back. Edited June 3, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 A nurse practioner who feeds children known allergic substances pretty much says it all. Melissa, you mentioned that you are an introvert (which is neither here nor there) - but probably explains your befuddlement in dealing with the behaviors and actions of this woman; you just don't have much experience with this sort of thing, no one should hang you out to dry for asking and exploring things. It's cool to ask for opinions with dealing with the unfamiliar or unusual. Your baby isn't a lab rat for this chick. That's no friend, that's an abuser. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Your baby isn't a lab rat for this chick. That's no friend, that's an abuser. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I think it is very odd that you are posting, asking about whether we think this woman is a healthy friend or not!! Wow. I wouldn't have ever let it get anywhere near as far as you did. I don't let my children sleep over at houses where I don't know the family VERY VERY well, and am honestly appalled at your lack of boundaries and the choices you have made here. Just...wow. I am more shocked by you ASKING than I am about the woman's behavior. No kidding! do you really need to ask? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 :iagree: I would not trust her around my children alone at. all. Not even for a second. Something is definitely not right with that lady. Uh huh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in NC Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 Wow, when has there ever been universal agreement on any subject in the Hive? I have been here for over 10 years and I have always been surprised by the different viewpoints people can have in any situation, even if I did not agree with the poster. On this there is just one viewpoint, RUN. She sent me another email where she completely rewrote what happen with her as the hero and me as the villian. It is clear she intends to use my desire to find friends for my dd to play her reindeer games. Writing this has helped me clarify things and helped me explain to my daughter why I won't allow this friendship to continue. She cried but said she understood. Reading the replies, it occured to me exactly how dangerous this woman can be. (I generally try to think the best of people.) What if she made up stuff about me while her daughter was at my house and called the police? I have decided that I can not even allow this child in my house. I can not control who attends the park gatherings. I believe if I leave when she comes, she will wear out her welcome with the others quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Gently explain to your DD that as much as you like the daughter, your family is no longer going to associate with the family due to the mother's behavior. Tell your DD that if that family happens to be at a group gathering they can see each other there, but she is not to talk to the mother. FIRMLY and THOROUGHLY instruct your children to never never never take any food or anything else from the woman or anyone else such as her daughter. If there is a potluck or snack table, they are only to eat food that you have approved. Sadly, we had a similar situation. Diamond lost a seemingly good friend, but the mother was a liar and worse. They sometimes see each other at group events, and Diamond has been instructed to stay away from the mom and never answer any personal questions by the daughter. Just causal light chit-chat. And if someone intentionally fed my child red dye, well..... I hope someone I trust would pull me off of that person before I ended up in jail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Melissa is asking if there is a way to allow the two girls to continue the friendship. From her opening question, description: If it were not for Joan's daughter, I would just sever all contact. Is it possible to allow their friendship without making myself miserable? What say the hive mind? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Wow, when has there ever been universal agreement on any subject in the Hive?when she comes, she will wear out her welcome with the others quickly. I guess I am the lone wolf here..I would not say run, if your daughters and hers are close, I would make an effort to get them together....if she chooses to pull the plug b/c you won't put up with her antics, then so be it....but my focus is on that poor child...can you imagine growing up in a home like that? They need as many people as possible to love them and let them know that the world does not focus on how the world should respond to them but how we should respond to the world. Love is the ultimate response....but, love can be seen in many actions....by not allowing the mother to pull her borderline neuroses on you, that is loving...but cutting the daughter out b/c you are tired of putting up with the mother is not as loving. I would tell my dd that we will make a 2x a month offer to have other daughter at our house...just make the offer...keep it on a schedule if possible, first and second Monday of every month or something...that way you limit the contact you have to have with the mother...I think you've laid it clear that you do not trust her...give her this option and let that be that...but love on that daughter of hers and let none of the 'banter' ever come into conversation. I just always try and teach my girls/son that loving someone is hard, putting up with abusive/caustic personalities needs to be put aside....but showing love needs to be a mandate especially the innocent ones who have to live with families like those. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I'm sorry, but I don't think it's possible to maintain the friendship between the girls. Joan is what I would personally call batsh*t crazy. She cannot be trusted. Your dd can't go to her house. I guess you could have her dd over to your house from time to time, but that's going to require a lot of interaction with Joan. I just don't see how it could work. Sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Run, run, as fast as you can. The cupcake challenge makes it CRYSTAL clear that this woman is not safe for your children to be around. ETA: Just read that you've already explained this to you daughter. :grouphug: Poor sweet. I'm sorry. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in NC Posted June 3, 2012 Author Share Posted June 3, 2012 I think it is very odd that you are posting, asking about whether we think this woman is a healthy friend or not!! Wow. I wouldn't have ever let it get anywhere near as far as you did. I don't let my children sleep over at houses where I don't know the family VERY VERY well, and am honestly appalled at your lack of boundaries and the choices you have made here. Just...wow. I am more shocked by you ASKING than I am about the woman's behavior. I did not ask about having this woman as a friend, I asked if setting boundaries and having this child come to my house is doable. I had no intentions of letting this woman around me or my kids. I grew up in a dysfuntional household and seeing a normal family at friends' houses help me realize there was another way of existing. But my parents were not intertwined into my life like Joan is intertwined her her kids' life. (As a poster pointed out.) So having the kid around is not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschool mom Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 (edited) It is great to be able to check in here for some sound advice. I'm glad you posted; I read all the previous comments. Joan is a part of the two girls friendship if it continues. Best to make yourselves unavailable homeschool mom Edited June 3, 2012 by homeschool mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 She told you she was going to kill her mother. There are bigger problems here than red dye. Cut her off. This means her family, too. It's tough, but there's no other option. A friendship for your daughters isn't worth the potential danger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Wow, when has there ever been universal agreement on any subject in the Hive? I have been here for over 10 years and I have always been surprised by the different viewpoints people can have in any situation, even if I did not agree with the poster. On this there is just one viewpoint, RUN. She sent me another email where she completely rewrote what happen with her as the hero and me as the villian. It is clear she intends to use my desire to find friends for my dd to play her reindeer games. Writing this has helped me clarify things and helped me explain to my daughter why I won't allow this friendship to continue. She cried but said she understood. Reading the replies, it occured to me exactly how dangerous this woman can be. (I generally try to think the best of people.) What if she made up stuff about me while her daughter was at my house and called the police? I have decided that I can not even allow this child in my house. I can not control who attends the park gatherings. I believe if I leave when she comes, she will wear out her welcome with the others quickly. I am so glad you have thought this through, and that you're not going to have anything more to do with that woman. I am absolutely positive that you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry your dd is sad, though. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I agree that staying away from Joan is the best bet. However, she gave the cupcake with the red dye not to the child who has had the physical and physiological reactions to it (which, while awful, is not the same as an anaphalaxis allergy), but to the child who did NOT, who thinks that red dye is gross, bc it is made from coral......... That's still awful. I'm in no way supporting what she did. But, it just seems that people are misreading this a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 :iagree: I would not trust her around my children alone at. all. Not even for a second. Something is definitely not right with that lady. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 to the child who did NOT, who thinks that red dye is gross, bc it is made from coral......... That's still awful. I'm in no way supporting what she did. But, it just seems that people are misreading this a bit. I dunno. I reacted pretty strongly to that even though it was given to the child who thinks it's gross. It's like giving a cupcake to someone who is vegan and laughing because you snuck eggs into the batter when they weren't looking. That combined with the crowing over it afterward....<shudder> There's an icky element of control and waaaaaay inappropriate boundaries that's scary and weird even if it isn't life-threatening. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 I will add to the chorus:Run! Seems that you've already made that decision. Bravo! She sounds crazy as can be.nUnpredictable people are scary! She threatened to kill her mom? Woh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 :grouphug: It is so hard to have to cut of a friendship with a child when the parent is the root of the problem. Here are several things that have helped me as I have had to work through this. These are quotes from this board;) WTMCassandra You detach from a toxic person to prevent their toxicity from spilling over into your and your family's life in destructive ways. 2squared We all have limited time, energy, and financial resources. Why would you use up your resources on anything but the best? When you leave behind things which pull you down, you make room for things which can lift you up. This is what is hard to control. The overflow of toxicity. For me, I have to weigh how much time it takes away from my family because I am working on the solution to work with the toxicity. If I just did this than maybe that wouldn't have happened...or maybe if I do this than that will work.... What I am learning is that no matter what I do, nothing works 100% and is great. Having your daughter in the class with her friend might work. However, like you said, you will still encounter mom. If mom isn't in the class with the daughters, that means you could make yourself scarce so your contact is limited too. I had to talk with my kids too. It was hard but they understood. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 nt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AStableBeginning Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 walk away. quickly. And run............... :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 walk away. quickly. :iagree: holy smokin' olies do I ever :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.