fairfarmhand Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I have seen this repeatedly in regards to marriage advice. Weird thing is, my dh and I have been married for almost 15 years. Sometimes we do go to bed mad. And then the next morning we get up and figure it out. We sometimes feel silly about getting all worked up over certain things. After a good night's rest we can work it out better. Now I will say that sometimes we are so worked up about things that we don't go to bed till it is somewhat resolved, but the don't go to bed angry thing is not 100% at my house. Am I weird like this? Are there other traditional marriage advices that just don't apply at your house? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 We sometimes go to bed mad too. Unfortunately waking up at 3am to write a scathing e-mail to your spouse about said argument isn't really helpful, so I've been told. :D Sharing a bed, as in sleeping in the same bed. My dh sleeps better on the couch. I snore and I don't like to cuddle. He has to get up very early and I have insomnia (hence the 3am e-mails). He still thinks it's somehow terrible that we sleep better alone. I consider it an act of marriage preservation. He tries, but my snoring usually drives him out or the bed isn't comfortable enough or it's too cold or the dog snores...Plus he likes the TV on to fall asleep to, we don't have a TV in the bedroom. I prefer silence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 We do not rush the healing or reconcilation process in our home. ;) Like in the evolution thread, I see "sun set" as a more discriptive than literal. Like: Letting the sun set on this opportunity, relationship, or job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 We sometimes go to bed mad too. Unfortunately waking up at 3am to write a scathing e-mail to your spouse about said argument isn't really helpful, so I've been told. :D :lol: We go to bed mad too. Although, dh usually can go right to sleep while I am still seething. All night. ;) I think this is only an issue if it happens all the time. Once you have too many issues that have to be reconciled, it is harder to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Goodness, we go to bed angry all the time and we are going on 20 years. It helps us clear our heads after a good nights sleep. If we had an extra bedroom dh would move into it. We sleep better alone and have since day 1. I am convinced that human beings are not designed to share sleeping space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Resolution can sometimes be a long process. So, yes, we sometimes go to bed angry. We have to have calmed down a bit if either of us are going to get to sleep. But sometimes it takes days. Resolution is the goal here, though, not pretending that we've resolved something just because we've gone to bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 This isn't just traditional marriage advice. It is a paraphrase of Ephesians 4:26 "BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." The point of this verse is that by prolonging your anger, you are more tempted to sin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 My dh does not like to talk about serious things before bed... If we are tense with each other and upset for some reason the best thing is for him to get a shower and get to bed because he wakes up in a much better mood and frame of mind overall... That was hard for me to get used to, because I wanted "things" resolved before sleeping. I've had to learn to let it go... find some meditation or relaxation technique to calm down over it... and time and time again things are SO much better in the morning. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 We go to bed mad. When we were first married (and very immature) we'd hash it out instead. Ugh, very stupid and very tired people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Hmm... first, we go to bed angry sometimes too. It's never been a problem for us. Second, I've always heard something to the effect of 'do you want to be right or do you want to be married?' I don't particularly care for the idea that one of us should just give in when we don't feel heard or understood. When we reach the point of conceding a fight, it's after we've talked as objectively as possible and presented our concerns. I don't think being right/being married should be an either/or position. Third, I've heard that if a wife wants to talk seriously about something she knows her husband will either not like or allow, she should feed him a big meal of all of his favorite foods to put him in a good, relaxed, too full to argue mood. That would *never* work in this house. My DH can say no on a full stomach just as well as if he was hungry. Besides, he does all the cooking. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I have seen this repeatedly in regards to marriage advice. Weird thing is, my dh and I have been married for almost 15 years. Sometimes we do go to bed mad. And then the next morning we get up and figure it out. We sometimes feel silly about getting all worked up over certain things. After a good night's rest we can work it out better. Now I will say that sometimes we are so worked up about things that we don't go to bed till it is somewhat resolved, but the don't go to bed angry thing is not 100% at my house. Am I weird like this? Are there other traditional marriage advices that just don't apply at your house? We follow this loosely at our house, but not to the letter. It's more along the lines of, "Don't go to bed without resolving issues or setting an appointment to do so." I don't like to sleep angry or sleep with an angry man. Acknowledging that there's something we need to discuss and then setting aside a time to discuss it seems like a workable temporary resolution. A similar tactic is keeping my iPad next to the bed and adding "to do's" to the list before bed. The fact that I added something to the list means I can then go to sleep without worrying about it. Similarly, if my husband and I make an appointment to discuss some issue, I can set it aside and not worry about it even if it isn't technically resolved. That's our version of the "let not the sun go down upon your wrath" instruction. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Dh and I have been together 20 years, married for 18. We go to bed mad. Sometimes the right way to deal with a problem/argument is to just sleep on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Dh and I have been together 20 years, married for 18. We go to bed mad. Sometimes the right way to deal with a problem/argument is to just sleep on it. Yep, we call it a time out. I take time outs with the kids, too. It's better to calm down and think rationally before talking sometimes or even giving a consequence. It saves me from having to apologize as often. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Guess it depends on the issue. If it's something that's petty, then going to bed on it tends to make everyone wake up realizing it was petty and no one is angry anymore. But if it's something big and someone will stew all night about it and feel marginalized because their spouse was able to fall asleep without it being resolved, and then wake up angrier than ever...then it's a good idea to resolve it as much as possible before sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 If we followed this rule, we wouldn't sleep for months at a time. Some issues don't have easy answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Never quite got that one myself. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I think sometimes you are just fighting because you are tired. So it's silly not to go to bed angry. If you can table it, and sleep, and talk about it in the morning sometimes it just resolves itself. Other times, you need the sleep to see things more clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Yes, we have often slept on it. Usually when I wake up, I realize that I was tired and grumpy and the problem has disappeared overnight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 My DH doesn't seem to have an angry bone in his body. Any anger is always all mine, and I just end up hating myself if I keep fuming at him for any length of time. I've learned to just keep it to myself and get a good night's sleep, I'm rarely still mad in the morning. We also sleep in separate beds. He snores, and I'm a light sleeper. He keeps saying he'll get something done about his snoring because he thinks we should be together, but I'm a creature of habit and it no longer bothers me. We've been married for 14 years and we're happy, very happy. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Sometimes we would go to sleep mad, but I'm the type of person who just needs to let things sit awhile. In the morning -- once our emotions settled down -- it never seemed as big a deal. Then it was usually easier to talk and resolve things. However, one night about two years ago, my husband went to sleep and had a massive stroke. I gave him one sweet kiss before he went to sleep, and that was the last time I had my husband whole. I'm so glad we didn't have an unresolved argument that night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iona Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 mmv linked this blog post http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html on her blog and it addresses this topic. It also has some other interesting ideas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Goodness, we go to bed angry all the time and we are going on 20 years. It helps us clear our heads after a good nights sleep. If we had an extra bedroom dh would move into it. We sleep better alone and have since day 1. I am convinced that human beings are not designed to share sleeping space. Us Too!!! and :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garddwr Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I think sometimes a good night's sleep is the best way to resolve a problem--when you're tired it's so much easier to get irritated and harder to calm down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 We go to bed angry all the time. I've never taken that marriage advice. I don't get more rational if I stay up past my bedtime! In the morning, I am usually better able to see things more clearly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I have seen this repeatedly in regards to marriage advice. Weird thing is, my dh and I have been married for almost 15 years. Sometimes we do go to bed mad. And then the next morning we get up and figure it out. We sometimes feel silly about getting all worked up over certain things. After a good night's rest we can work it out better. Now I will say that sometimes we are so worked up about things that we don't go to bed till it is somewhat resolved, but the don't go to bed angry thing is not 100% at my house. Am I weird like this? Are there other traditional marriage advices that just don't apply at your house? no you are not the only one. I'm actually the type of person who needs to mull and wrestle over things privately. I don't like to "talk it out." My husband always wants to talk about it and I just need some space. After that I'm usually fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I don't like to "talk it out." My husband always wants to talk about it and I just need some space. After that I'm usually fine. That's exactly the same for us. DH seems to have a lot more stamina for talking than I do. He's always very sweet and patient, but it just makes my head hurt. Sometimes it feels like he's trying to talk me into submission :tongue_smilie:. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Meh. We've gone to bed pissed and we've been married for 34 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Life is not a sitcom. Problems don't always get resolved in 30 minutes or less. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenangelcat Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Going to bed angry saved my marriage. No lie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 Sometimes when we wake up, we have forgotten all about being mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 (edited) This isn't just traditional marriage advice. It is a paraphrase of Ephesians 4:26 "BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." The point of this verse is that by prolonging your anger, you are more tempted to sin. I gotta agree. 23 years here and I can't say we have ever gone to bed angry. When we get angry, it is short, hot bursts only (usually on my side) and resolved within a couple of hours. But we are very compatible to begin with, and don't have a lot of areas of strife or disagreement anyway, so it is usually minor annoyances, or mutual annoyance over one of the kids, and how to handle it. It is NOT good to stay angry or sleep angry. I wouldn't sleep anyway...I'd be one of the ones mentioned above writing angry emails at 3 am if I did this. Life is just too darn short (or maybe I'm too darn old now) to live in strife. And honestly....half the time I can't remember what was so annoying! So memory, or lack thereof, of the menopausal woman is a blessing in disguise...I guess. Edited May 3, 2012 by TranquilMind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I gotta agree. 23 years here and I can't say we have ever gone to bed angry. When we get angry, it is short, hot bursts only (usually on my side) and resolved within a couple of hours. But we are very compatible to begin with, and don't have a lot of areas of strife or disagreement anyway, so it is usually minor annoyances, or mutual annoyance over one of the kids, and how to handle it. It is NOT good to stay angry or sleep angry. I wouldn't sleep anyway...I'd be one of the ones mentioned above writing angry emails at 3 am if I did this. Life is just too darn short (or maybe I'm too darn old now) to live in strife. And honestly....half the time I can't remember what was so annoying! So memory, or lack thereof, of the menopausal woman is a blessing in disguise...I guess. We might not totally agree.;) For one thing, I think that the verse says that you can be angry and not sin but that going to bed angry just gives you more opportunity for it to tip over into sin. So technically someone could go to bed with non-sinful anger and still be ok. But for some of us, it might not be worth it in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeaganS Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 I've always hated hearing that advice given to new couples. My husband and I are the type to argue and argue forever (we're both oldest of six children and although we've gotten better with time, we still bicker quite a bit. It's just our style), but if something can stop us for a bit, we'll both calm down and be able to resolve it much easier. We learned very early on to go to bed mad because in the morning we'd be cooled off quite a bit. I guess it depends on the couple, but it is by no means a rule that should apply to everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 I always feel better in the morning, and sometime just disengaging and having a siesta is the best thing possible. I think it is a cutesy truism. The little thought I run through my head is that if, in an argument, you feel you are really "winning", I mean really creaming the other person, it is time to stop. This is a person you have to live with, and "defeating" them isn't going to be good in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spock Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 We go to bed angry sometimes. Sometimes we even stay angry for a couple of days. What matters is that we resolve it once we have calmed down. (Our 20th anniversary is the 16th of this month, so it apparently works for us.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rene' Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 If we had an extra bedroom dh would move into it. We sleep better alone and have since day 1. I am convinced that human beings are not designed to share sleeping space. I guess it just depends on the people. Dh and I just celebrated 16 years and we still fall asleep every night totally intertwined and holding hands. :001_wub: :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 We've decided instead just not to go to bed hungry. Close enough. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CroppinIt Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 I have seen this repeatedly in regards to marriage advice. Weird thing is, my dh and I have been married for almost 15 years. Sometimes we do go to bed mad. And then the next morning we get up and figure it out. We sometimes feel silly about getting all worked up over certain things. After a good night's rest we can work it out better. Now I will say that sometimes we are so worked up about things that we don't go to bed till it is somewhat resolved, but the don't go to bed angry thing is not 100% at my house. Am I weird like this? Are there other traditional marriage advices that just don't apply at your house? I agree with you. Some things need to be worked out right away, while others do better on a good night's rest and a little perspective. The other one that I see a lot of women tout is "Never say no." I'm sorry, but I do, and I'd like to think dh would feel badly if he knew I really didn't want to but I'm doing it "anyway." There are times I'm in the mood and he says no, too, and that's okay. When we both say yes, it's with a certain level of certainty and openness, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 We have been married for 10, and have never went to bed mad yet. I think being angry is different than disagreeing. If there is a disagreement, we always voice our opinions and discuss. If there is no solution to our disagreement, we will agree to discuss it at another time. Sometimes, according to the situation, it could be the next day or a set time frame, such as next pay period (if it was a purchase not agreed upon) etc.... I highly believe in the don't go to bed mad as in furious.. there is NO way I could sleep without voicing my concerns on a matter nor could he. We also agree to not call names, be disrespectful nor discuss our disagreements with friends or family. We discuss open book and don't keep anything to ourselves, typically. That isn't saying there won't be a day when this opinion will fly right out the window but so far it works for us! eta: if we feel a disagreement is nonsense in ones eyes, we will consider are we hungry, tired, over stressed? And if we believe thats the case we tell each other so Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 I guess it just depends on the people. Dh and I just celebrated 16 years and we still fall asleep every night totally intertwined and holding hands. :001_wub: :D That's sweet. Okay, I will revise my position. Some human beings are not meant to share sleep space. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 Some human beings are not meant to share sleep space. And some are meant to when they are young, but when they get snorey, gassy, creaky, and restless, they should move to their own room. :) When I was young, I thought that a night alone was a night wasted. Now I think it is a night of good sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 I think it takes a lot of energy to stay mad for any length of time and the older I get, the less energy I have to stay mad for very long. I am too tired. ;) When we were younger, we would go to bed mad and I never would sleep very well. There would always be a lot of tossing, turning, and loud sighing on both of our parts, so I assume he never sleep well either. I do agree with other people who have said that some problems just can't be solved before you go to bed, but I think it helps if you try to let go of the animosity towards each other before bed. Joy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 Second, I've always heard something to the effect of 'do you want to be right or do you want to be married?' I don't particularly care for the idea that one of us should just give in when we don't feel heard or understood. When we reach the point of conceding a fight, it's after we've talked as objectively as possible and presented our concerns. I don't think being right/being married should be an either/or position. Yep. I used to go into fights with that attitude, but after five years of deciding I wanted to be married, I finally decided that if I had to choose between them (and apparently I did), that I choose right. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 If we followed this rule, we wouldn't sleep for months at a time. Some issues don't have easy answers. :D And sometimes one spouse thinks the issue is resolved, not realising the other doesn't think so. both my DH and I are guilty of this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 (edited) If we had an extra bedroom dh would move into it. We sleep better alone and have since day 1. I am convinced that human beings are not designed to share sleeping space. Strange. I'm convinced we're meant to share a whole lot more sleeping spaces than we do. :D (I mean, as in sleeping with our little ones as well.) I can only think of one instance in which we went to bed angry and slept apart intentionally because of it. It was in 1996. :001_huh: It was over a Pittsburg Steelers comment made by myself who did not understand, at that time, how important the Steelers were to him. LOL, now he doesn't even watch football. However, at the time, it was apparently important! :D And sometimes one spouse thinks the issue is resolved, not realising the other doesn't think so. I think of "resolved" as different than "angry." I can have an issue that isn't resolved and not be angry about it... It just needs more time, or discussion, or thought. I might even be frustrated by it, but in my mind, is different than anger. Edited May 5, 2012 by BlsdMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 I guess it just depends on the people. Dh and I just celebrated 16 years and we still fall asleep every night totally intertwined and holding hands. :001_wub: :D Awww, that's sweet! Not a "toucher" while sleeping here, but that's awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 We've decided instead just not to go to bed hungry. Close enough. :tongue_smilie: Sometimes they are the same thing!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted May 5, 2012 Share Posted May 5, 2012 BlsdMama:I can only think of one instance in which we went to bed angry and slept apart intentionally because of it. It was in 1996. :001_huh: It was over a Pittsburg Steelers comment made by myself who did not understand, at that time, how important the Steelers were to him. LOL, now he doesn't even watch football. However, at the time, it was apparently important! That's hilarious! You still remember the year, too! Ha ha ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 6, 2012 Share Posted May 6, 2012 I guess it just depends on the people. Dh and I just celebrated 16 years and we still fall asleep every night totally intertwined and holding hands. :001_wub: :D Same here, we have been married nearly 20 years, we sleep spooned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted May 6, 2012 Share Posted May 6, 2012 Strange. I'm convinced we're meant to share a whole lot more sleeping spaces than we do. :D (I mean, as in sleeping with our little ones as well.) Oh, I agree with the little ones. Total cosleepers here. I just can't sleep with another adult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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