Hurtful comment from my sister is bugging me

[CalicoKat]

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

[jhschool]

Answer: I DO work. I just don't get paid for it.

Other answer: How would YOU know what I know and don't know?

Maybe: That's an insensitive remark!

 

Anyway, I'm sorry. Sisters can be *awful* sometimes!

 

Hugs.

[CalicoKat]

Answer: I DO work. I just don't get paid for it.

Other answer: How would YOU know what I know and don't know?

Maybe: That's an insensitive remark!

 

Anyway, I'm sorry. Sisters can be *awful* sometimes!

 

Hugs.

 

I wish I would have said something. I always am just stunned and think of things to say later.

[coffeefreak]

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

 

Um, what is that even supposed to mean?!?:blink:

[OnTheBrink]

"I don't work? I guess educating the children, keeping the house clean, laundry done, meals made, schedules organized, bills paid on time, food purchased, pets cared for, holidays and extended family activities planned and attended and just over-all caring for the family 24/7 is a flipping trot through the tulips, eh?"

 

Or,

 

"Well, you're an insensitive clod, so you'd have no idea how to do or say something loving for or to someone else."

 

Or,

 

"*@$#&%^$!)(*&+-:"? and then #@!$$#%^^$##."

 

Pick whichever is more your style. ;)

[cindergretta]

Um, what is that even supposed to mean?!?:blink:

 

:iagree: I don't understand her remark at ALL. :confused:

 

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. :grouphug:

[PentecostalMom]

:iagree: I don't understand her remark at ALL. :confused:

 

I'm sorry she was so insensitive. :grouphug:

 

That.....and.....last time I checked, homeschooling is one of the most unselfish things one can do, leaving very little time to do things for oneself.

[Rosie_0801]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

[kalanamak]

Um, what is that even supposed to mean?!?:blink:

 

:iagree: Does she mean the discipline to do something without a clamoring child in need of it? Really, I don't understand.

[Cassy]

Well, I did go out to work until I was 35 yo. I lived completely alone for 8 years. I also studied part-time for 5 of those years. Everything I did was for myself. And believe me, being a mother, homemaker and teacher is far, far, harder by miles than doing things just for yourself. I agree with PPs who felt that what she said just didn't make sense. It seems she was just trying to put you down, and while her argument was rather lame, sadly she seems to have achieved her intention - but only if you let her ;).

 

:grouphug: to you.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[ThisIsTheDay]

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

 

"What??"

 

And I would figure *I* was the one who got ALL of the sense in the family.

 

That's so absurd. You're around your children 24-7; you most certainly would know how hard it is to do something just for yourself! For heaven's sake, sometimes just going to the bathroom by yourself is the biggest achievement of the day!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[SKL]

I think what OP's sister might have been saying could be expressed as:

 

"As a working mom, I find it difficult to arrange opportunities to do something for myself [e.g., read a novel or go get a massage]. You wouldn't know what that is like, since you don't work."

 

I am not sure what the best answer would be. I can think of one that would put her on the defensive, but it's not something I'd say to a sister. That would be "I choose to be rather intense about my parenting (including homeschooling), and that does leave little "me" time, though admittedly that's a choice I make." More likely I'd just laugh and change the subject.

 

As a single working mom, I will just add my two cents' worth and say that working moms do a lot of the things stay-at-home moms do, just in a shorter time frame. Our laundry, cooking, and daily cleaning do not do themselves. We work through our kids' learning and behavior issues too. Yes, we do have the opportunity to outsource some things, but we still do most of it. So I personally don't find "I do piles of laundry and dishes" to be an effective comeback.

Edited December 28, 2011 by SKL

[snickelfritz]

#1. Someone looking to put you down will always find something.

 

#2. Non-homeschoolers and non-stay-at-home people truly have no idea what we do all day. They think of Christmas or summer breaks of sleeping in, laying around, breaking out a summer review workbook for 15 minutes, doing 30 minutes of chores, watching more tv, etc.... There are hard things about it, but there are easier. If someone genuinely wants to know and has good intentions, I'm honest about our day and the positives AND negatives.

 

Even my dh doesn't always understand why I don't have more time to do...X things. I've sat down with him and talked about our schedule, activities, speech therapy, co-op, hours homeschooling, etc... To help him see I don't have 5 hours of free time at home every day.

 

Which comes, full circle, back to point #1. Someone who would make a hateful comment about it, would have found something else to make a hateful comment about. It has nothing to do with you, exactly. They are hateful no matter what you do.

[Aelwydd]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

 

Seconded!

[Zebra]

At first I didn't even understand what you sister meant!

 

Now that I think about it, I think she's implying that you sit around and eat bon-bons all day with all your free time. I remember my MIL saying to me once that I must be "so bored" all day :001_huh:. Boy did that irritate me!

 

It's hard to come up with a snappy reply at the right time, so I think it's just best to ignore it and understand she has zero respect for your lifestyle. :grouphug:

[lulubelle]

We are all just very selfish beings. Most have a hard time stepping into others shoes. Just let the comment role right on by.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Does she have young children? Honestly, I can't see any mother, working outside the home or not, thinking that it's easy for any other mother to find time to do things for herself. What a ridiculous statement.

 

I vote for the laughing hysterically in her face the next time she makes such an idiotic statement.

[Zebra]

 

I vote for the laughing hysterically in her face the next time she makes such an idiotic statement.

 

That would be good too :lol::lol::lol:!!!

[Mrs Twain]

"What??"

 

For heaven's sake, sometimes just going to the bathroom by yourself is the biggest achievement of the day!

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Ha ha ha! Yes, this is true.

 

FWIW, I can't get along with my sister very well at all. Lots of things she says get under my skin. I was recently wondering why I let them get under my skin. I was trying to step back and just understand who she is and why she says the things she says. I think my sister has some type of personality disorder, maybe narcissistic. My sister is probably depressed on top of everything. She subconciously puts me down to try to help herself feel better.

 

I don't know, but maybe it will help if you try to understand your sister's pathology and why she says what she says.

[kwg]

I don't know, I have been noticing a lot of that lately. Who has it worse? The "working mothers" or the "stay at home mothers". SOmetimes -I am embarrassed to say- I think dh and I get into that too. Like it is a competition on who works the hardest or something. They both have challenges. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go to work and come home to a clean(er) house (no kids here all day) and other times I wonder how in the world they get anything done at all.

[Word Nerd]

I've been in both situations, and there are challenges, sacrifices, and hard work involved in both. The "I work harder." "No, I work harder!" "I'm less selfish." "No, I'm less selfish!" battles in the Mommy Wars make me roll my eyes.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, OP. Try not to take her thoughtless words to heart.

[In the Rain]

What does that even mean? :confused:

[Tammyla]

Sounds like she was being mean to me.:grouphug:

 

Forgive me, but I'm growing tired of trying to find the nice in mean comments. Pardon me, is becoming my new catch phrase, and I enjoy watching them try to wiggly out them.

 

:iagree:Laughing in her face sounds good to me this morning.

 

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

[alpidarkomama]

Um, what is that even supposed to mean?!?:blink:

 

:lol:

 

That was my first thought too. And my second. And my third. I think I'd better go drink my coffee.

 

:lol:

[alpidarkomama]

Actually, does she mean that it's much harder to find the motivation to do things when you are only doing it for yourself?

 

I have MUCH more fun cooking for six than I ever did cooking for one. I'm also much more motivated to keep the house nice. And saving for retirement? I was lousy about that when I was single. I do find many things much easier to do because I'm doing them for the family.

 

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled coffee...

[elegantlion]

How many kids does she have?

 

You have 5, do you get time to yourself?

 

I would have laughed right in her face because that's the most absurd comment one could make to a mother of five.

[Daisy]

Was it an attack on you or was your sister expressing her own frustration in a less-than-stellar fashion?

 

Once I got over my irritation (hopefully quickly), I'd ask myself the above question.

 

If she is attacking you out of sheer orneriness, I'd probably respond with a snipe back because I'm human.

 

If she is just doing a poor job of expressing her own dissatisfaction with her life, then maybe try doing the sister thing. Listen, nod, give a hug.

 

If I'm ever going to be stupid and say something without thinking through the consequences of my words, it is going to be with my sibling or close family member.

[OrganicAnn]

I who tell her that she shouldn't judge you (if that is what she was doing) until she has walked in your shoes.

 

And/or I would tell her that women in general, mother in particular have a tough time doing something just for themselves.

[KristenR]

That.....and.....last time I checked, homeschooling is one of the most unselfish things one can do, leaving very little time to do things for oneself.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[SpecialClassical]

her sister was saying that it is much easier for CC to find time to do things for herself than a working person. Supposedly CC has no idea how hard it is to get time to yourself when you work.

[m0mmaBuck]

Oh, the age-old "stay-at-home vs. work-out-of-the-home" debate... Who has it worse? I've been on both sides of that wall and I don't know who has it "worse." Heck, I'm currently straddling that wall and it's a very precarious position. I don't work full time so people often remark that I "don't work" and when I'm home with the kids I am homeschooling which apparently means they watch TV all day so my house should be spotless. People are truly clueless.

 

With regard to your sister's comment, you know she has a tendency to say insensitive things so you can either choose to meet insensitivity with insensivity (such as "You wouldn't know what it's like to be wholely responsible for raising and educating your own children while keeping our home and fielding moronic comments from insensitive clods like you"), sarcasm (such as, "Oh, you are so right. I do nothing all day except exactly what I want to do. That's how life is when you are homeschooling 5 kids. Bon bons and foot rubs all day long"), with a question ("What exactly do you think I do all day?" followed by the laundry list from dusk til dawn), or by just letting her remarks roll off your back because in your heart you know she doesn't know how hurtful what she said truly was.

[ma23peas]

High Road:

 

Not all work gets a weekly paycheck.

 

Low Road:

 

I see, if you want to go there, my work is instrinsically more valuable than yours, so I can see why you have these inner battles with validating yours. (Running to hide now)

[SKL]

I think the whole "me time" concept kind of goes over my head anyway, as a working mom. The less time I have with my kids, the more I treasure it. Instead of strategizing for time to do things for "just myself," I strategize for time to do more stuff with my kids. So I honestly can't relate to the frustration some working moms feel about not getting "me time." I could understand it if I were with my kids all day, though. They would probably need time away from me as well.

[Word Nerd]

nt

Edited December 28, 2011 by WordGirl

[Starr]

:lol: Just think of all the posts here trying to help someone find a little time for themselves. I remember a young single woman at church telling a single mom who was working and going to grad school that the mom's should do all the work for children's ministry because they had so much more time than single people. :lol:

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug: My sister was meaner than she's been in 20 years this Christmas and I didn't handle it graciously.

[justamouse]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

:iagree:

 

 

:grouphug:

 

No use trying to make her understand.

[*********]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

 

Uh, yeah. After laughing, I'd ask her to clarify what she meant. Since it doesn't make sense to me, either.

[QuirkyKapers]

I wish I would have said something. I always am just stunned and think of things to say later.

 

 

Me too. I wish I could think of witty comebacks, but sometimes I just can't believe what came out of someones mouth. Usally I just come up with what did you say? or What do you mean? I think a witty comeback would be so much more satisfying. :tongue_smilie:

[Aelwydd]

I think the whole "me time" concept kind of goes over my head anyway, as a working mom. The less time I have with my kids, the more I treasure it. Instead of strategizing for time to do things for "just myself," I strategize for time to do more stuff with my kids. So I honestly can't relate to the frustration some working moms feel about not getting "me time." I could understand it if I were with my kids all day, though. They would probably need time away from me as well.

 

Yeah, the whole thing is such a dumb argument. A false dichotomy. I was a SAHM for the first five years of my ds' life, and then I worked part-time while my dh worked ft. Then, my dh got laid off 4 months ago, and I'm working ft.

 

Guess what--whether I worked at home or worked outside of it, I'm still supporting my family. The money that comes from "paid work" whether it's my dh or mine on the paycheck is OUR money. So everyone gets "paid."

 

It's so stupid that there are mommy wars over this issue. The "selfish" charges are the most ridiculous. No one will ever convince me that the wealthy, socialite, SAHMs I've known who spend their days sitting around the club poolside, and flit around from one shopping spree to yet another nail appointment, while their kids attend expensive private schools and get picked up by nannies, are less selfish than the mom working 40 hours a week as a hotel clerk, secretary, teacher, whatever.

 

Neither can you tell me that the average SAHM, who is on call 24/7 for family illnesses, totes kids to school and doctor appointments, grocery shops, pays bills, cleans, does laundry, cares for baby, and everything else is performs less strenuous and challenging work than your professional mom.

 

But you see, there's the rub. Every time the comparison is made, it's always between generalizations. As if all working moms never see their children, and doncha know they chose that exec. advertising position over seeing their family more than 156 days a year. Or, as if all stay at home moms are the type to sit on couches, watching TV, and doing one load of laundry before calling it a day.

 

That's not reality for most of us. It's not been reality for me as either a SAHM or a WOHM. In my case, both have had their benefits and their drawbacks, and my preferences for one or the other depend mightily on such circumstances as, "Am I talking about a SAHM with a newborn? With lots of littles around? Or is it later on, with an older child?" or, "Am I talking about being a WOHM being paid $9/hour at a job where I'm on my feet all day? Or, is it an interesting, well-paid position where I can relax and have fun, too?"

 

That's why it's a stupid debate. A wise friend of mine always says, "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."

[MariannNOVA]

I wish I would have said something. I always am just stunned and think of things to say later.

 

I've made a decision to be in my sister's company as little as possible, but traditionally she would routinely make comments like that to me when I was in her company.

 

Finally, my comeback became: 'As usual, you are right. You are always right.'

[2cents]

I'm with the laughing crowd here. But I would have also said that her assumptions are absurd and ask if she had any other jewels of stupidity she would like to pass along before I stop laughing. :D

[mom2scouts]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

:iagree:This is what I do when people make ridiculously stupid comments. I just laugh at them and that usually ends that conversation pretty quickly. They also usually realize they said something stupid or they at least realize that *I* think it was pretty stupid.:D

[Lovedtodeath]

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

Wow. How could she not realize that in most cases it is exactly the opposite?

Edited December 28, 2011 by Lovedtodeath

[ErinE]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

 

What Rosie said.

 

Hugs.

[Alicia64]

My dad said something similiar to me. Basically saying that dh gets to decide something because "he works hard all day."

 

I usually keep my mouth shut -- my dad is often just being difficult -- but, "AND I DON'T??" came flying out of my mouth.

 

I honestly found the whole thing amusing. Plus I'd just spent the day working really hard on a project while my parents "helped" me by taking my boys for the day (I packed their lunches, drove them to my parents, brought them their swim suits, brought snacks, picked them up etc. etc.)

 

Anyway, this is one of my all time favorite quotes. Please feel free to borrow it -- and send it to your sister:

 

"Homemaker is the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only -- to support the ultimate career!"

C.S. Lewis

 

Alley

[runmiarun]

I wish I would have said something. I always am just stunned and think of things to say later.

 

 

I always think of witty comebacks the next day or weeks later.

 

To save my sanity, I've learned to do a move my husband calls "The Blink". When I get stupid comments but am too stunned to comeback quickly, I tilt my head to the side a little, make my eyes wider, and blink a couple of times. Then I say, "Huh" and keep staring and blinking. :blink: Granted, it's taken me a couple of years to perfect my technique but so far, it seems to help me process what was said without saying something stupid in return. Plus, if you stand there long enough, the recipient of your stare gets real uncomfortable and starts backtracking.

[coffeefreak]

I vote for laughing in her face.

 

:(

Rosie

 

 

 

Sounds like she was being mean to me.:grouphug:

 

Forgive me, but I'm growing tired of trying to find the nice in mean comments. Pardon me, is becoming my new catch phrase, and I enjoy watching them try to wiggly out them.

 

:iagree:Laughing in her face sounds good to me this morning.

 

:iagree:

I'm going to start saying, "Pardon me?" more. What a great way to say everything by saying nothing!

[Impish]

I've been the single working mom.

I've been the married working mom.

I've been the married, running a dayhome mom.

I've been a SAHM, older kid in ps mom.

I'm now a SAHM, hsing mom.

 

And you know, there isn't one that's 'easier' than the other. Each has it's challenges. Each has it's bonuses.

 

It's simply a matter of which is which.

 

In some ways, I'll admit, working had more bonuses, at least for me. A pay cheque was a tangible thing, something I could hold in my hand and know that my efforts were noticed, appreciated, rewarded. SAHM doesn't get that biweekly acknowledgement. Being w/other adults on a daily basis was good and bad...I swear toddlers are easier to manage than some of the personalities I worked with! :lol:

 

It's just a different set of challenges and rewards.

 

I really don't understand the 'Holier than thou' attitude that happens on either side of the Mommy wars. It's as if in order to justify choices, someone has to put down another's.

[LaxMom]

My older sis who is well known for her incautious comments said something to me to day that's just eating at me.

 

"Well, you don't work so you wouldn't know how hard it is to do something just for yourself." :001_huh:

 

Dude. My outside the house work IS what I do for myself.

 

As one who has been a single, working mom, a career driven mom, a work from home mom, and a stay at home mom (and now, part time working mom), the absolute hardest role to eke out time, energy and other resources to do something for myself was as a full time SAHM. No lie.

[Lovedtodeath]

Dude. My outside the house work IS what I do for myself.

 

As one who has been a single, working mom, a career driven mom, a work from home mom, and a stay at home mom (and now, part time working mom), the absolute hardest role to eke out time, energy and other resources to do something for myself was as a full time SAHM. No lie.

Really, how was being a work from home mom?