s/o on all the holiday in-law vents - what will YOU do to be a "better" in-law?

[Hoggirl]

So, I have noticed that many of us (myself included) have issues dealing with one or both of our in-laws. Having a son, I worry about the phrase, "a daughter's a daughter all her life, but a son's a son 'til he takes a wife." I only have one child who is a son. I want him to want to spend time with dh and me when he is an adult. So many women seem to have issues dealing with their in-laws. Not saying this isn't true for men...I just have more conversations with women! I want to be a GOOD in-law to my future d-i-l (ds is only 14 so I have several years to think about how to be "good" at it).

 

What will YOU do differently or how will you behave differently from your in-laws in order to be "better" at your in-lawing? What makes one a GOOD in-law?

[Night Elf]

I won't interfere and will only give advice when asked. I won't demand visits that may take away from their own little family. For example, Christmas is a time for immediate family and I hope they invite us to spend some time with them. I hope for birthday and Christmas cards. I don't play the guilt game EVER though, so I'm fairly certain I won't go there.

 

I have had some practice already. My dd19's boyfriend moved in with us for several months. They had lots of arguments and my dd even came to me saying 'you need to tell him' la-la-la. Um, no. I don't NEED to tell him anything. I told her it was her relationship, not mine. But I did always try to diffuse the situation by helping her see things from an objective point of view. It didn't always work but it was all I felt comfortable doing. Unfortunately, they broke up and he moved out. I did share my feelings with him at that point, but even then I wasn't ugly. He is young, only 20, and definitely not ready to grow up. No amount of reasoning will hasten that process.

 

Anyway, my dh and I have been lucky. Neither of our moms has been a problem. I'll take my cue from them.

[The Girls' Mom]

I will try not to take every differing opinion as a personal attack. My inlaws, overall, have been very good to me. The biggest gripe I've had with my MIL is that she takes it personally if I don't agree with _______. And she has some very different ideas about some things than I do. So, I tend to make her mad a lot, unintentionally. Thankfully it blows over quick. ;)

 

I hope to be able to let them be adults and make their own decisions without giving my unwanted input. (unless they really need that input :lol:) I have all girls though, so I don't really have the DIL friction to worry about.

[Doran5]

I honestly can't say that my DIL would think I am a good MIL. I would like to be the one that the DIL or SIL sits around with friends and says " wow, my MIL would never do/say that. I love her! She's a great grandmother too!" but, I expect so much out of my children, and their friends, that I cant see myself being any different with a spouse.

That being said. My house is a wreck, I have tons of laundry to fold, and I am on a message board ;) I have found that life will still go on if I have to match a pair of socks from a basket every day! So, I would like to think that as long as my children are happy and their relationship is a healthy one(by that I mean that they constantly work at it) that their relationship is their business. I'm just there to love and give moral support. After all, once they get married, then they belong to each other, not me.

[Impish]

Well, I won't have NPD. That'll be an excellent start :lol:

 

Realizing that I'm a supporting player, not a lead role in their lives. Be as supportive as I can be. Bite my tongue til blood drips down my chin if need be, but keep any critical thoughts to myself.

[GoVanGogh]

So many women seem to have issues dealing with their in-laws. Not saying this isn't true for men...I just have more conversations with women!

I think men don't have problems with their MILs because they are more likely to let comments roll off their backs, while women will think about it until the end of time. (At least I do. :tongue_smilie:)

In our family - My mom thinks of my husband as another child, someone else to dote on. My MIL, however, seems to view me as competition.

I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. (I don't have a good relationship with my mother, either, as she is mentally ill.)

[elegantlion]

If I pick her out and introduce them, we should have no troubles at all. :D:tongue_smilie:

 

I adore my MIL, but it took me years to not feel intimidated by her. My dh adores my parents, he's really adopted my dad as his father figure.

 

However, I will have to work NOT to be THAT MIL, the one that gets into everything. My parents are like dear friends, so they know more things and provide more support than MIL. I know my natural inclination is to be more like my mother, but dear future-DIL may not like that approach.

 

I imagine I will be biting my tongue a lot and have to find a really intense hobby once he starts get serious with someone. My ds and I have a really good relationship, it will be hard when he full attention is given to another female. Yes, I think I will have to work through some jealousy issues, and cry on my dh's shoulder a few times.

 

I think the hardest thing will be when he is influenced (beguiled, bewitched- kidding) by her habits and viewpoints. I can see him saying, ____ and I believe this....and then I have a fit. I'm not talking about big things, but like No, we don't believe Sundays should be spent at the IL's having dinner, we'd like to spend Sunday in bed, reading the paper on the IPad. Stuff like that.

 

However, last night he spent some time creating a wish list of expensive markers and pens. Well over 2k. At this rate he will spend all of his disposable income on art supplies and electronics. He will have no money left to date, ever. At least that is what I'm telling myself right now.

[Jenny in Florida]

My mother-in-law was wonderful, so I feel like I got good training from her.

 

She was warm and loving and accepting. I honestly don't remember a single argument with her or any tension at all. She offered advice and help when we asked and did not otherwise interfere.

 

I hope I can be half as gracious and terrific when it's my turn.

 

I'm actually looking forward to seeing who my kids bring home. They both have good taste in friends and pretty good heads on their shoulders. And neither seems to be in any hurry to jump into dating and romance. So, I'm hopeful about the mates they will choose. And I'm really excited about family gatherings and grandkids and the whole shebang.

[Tammyla]

I will not allow my wants to interfere with ds's marriage and family.

 

No entitlements, demands, nagging, begging, crying, guilt-ing, or martyr-ing for me...ever, ever never. I'll always love him and be his mom, but there will be no preconditions or expectations for him to put me first in his life.

 

I will be like my mom, dh loves her; so do all the other bro-in-laws.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Tammyla

[MariannNOVA]

I have two sons-in-law -- from the time the weddings were being planned, my instinct was to keep my nose out of it, and it is a strategy that has worked well.

 

Without getting into all the different ways that these kinds of relationships can become uncomfortable or nightmarish, I will say that from the time my daughters were young, I made a conscious effort to raise them to be responsible adults who were capable of making wise decisions. Did they always do that? No. Was I always there on the sidelines with a broom and dust pan waiting to rush in and clean things up? No. Did I offer or present myself when it was clear that things maybe needed a little help? Infrequently. I think that what I did most of all was PRIOR to each of them being married, I would always let them know that if they needed me, I was there (totally different from my parents who literally left me to drown).

 

I am not in their business 24/7. Honestly, I do not wish to be. When I am in their homes, I keep my mouth shut. I do not offer my opinion and/or viewpoint unless it is asked for OR if I am observing or hearing about something that I think will most likely be harmful or hurtful to my grand daughters or my daughters. I don't think I have ever had to offer my opinion in such a situation.

 

And, if I feel compelled to offer my opinion, I always ask first if they would like to hear it -- if the answer is no, well, the answer is no.

 

My kids and their spouses love to come to our home, want us to come to theirs, and only with my dh and my sister is there 'tension' around the holidays. However, we separated ourselves from those tension-filled situations such a long time ago, that no one bothers us about showing up anymore. :001_smile:

[Mommyof4ks]

I will respect the opinions of my DILs and not undermined their parenting. One thing I have learned since becoming a DIL is that I will need to make the DIL feel comfortable with me around her children if I ever hope to keep them overnight. Can you guess our issue? :glare:

 

Overall our families are great about finding times to get together that work for everyone at Christmas time, so I hope to be able to do that too.

[Rhonda in TX]

So, I have noticed that many of us (myself included) have issues dealing with one or both of our in-laws. Having a son, I worry about the phrase, "a daughter's a daughter all her life, but a son's a son 'til he takes a wife." I only have one child who is a son. I want him to want to spend time with dh and me when he is an adult. So many women seem to have issues dealing with their in-laws. Not saying this isn't true for men...I just have more conversations with women! I want to be a GOOD in-law to my future d-i-l (ds is only 14 so I have several years to think about how to be "good" at it).

 

What will YOU do differently or how will you behave differently from your in-laws in order to be "better" at your in-lawing? What makes one a GOOD in-law?

 

I just wanted to say something about the bolded part. My DH is still an awesome son to his parents. He talks to them almost daily and does a lot to help them. I wouldn't assume that your relationship with your son will cease to exist, or change for the worse, when he marries.

[ChandlerMom]

I think men don't have problems with their MILs because they are more likely to let comments roll off their backs, while women will think about it until the end of time. (At least I do. :tongue_smilie:)

In our family - My mom thinks of my husband as another child, someone else to dote on. My MIL, however, seems to view me as competition.

I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. (I don't have a good relationship with my mother, either, as she is mentally ill.)

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

Men tend to have more distant relationships. For some reason the mother-son relationship seems to set up competition, usually on the mom's side (used to having that position).

 

My MIL had that BIG time when dh and I got married, but FAR worse was shortly thereafter when I became pregnant. Wives were temporary (she even bragged how she got rid of dh's first wife), but a child was forever (and I did the one thing she couldn't) and when dd#1 was born she went a little crazy trying to compete with the baby for dh's attention and bad-mouth my parenting at ever opportunity (for dd's first year she never ONCE complimented me on ANYTHING, and when she finally did it was to "thank" me for "taking care of her grandchild" :confused:.) We moved 1400 miles away and that helped a lot.

 

What I plan to do differently? Model my mom's loving acceptance (she's a great MIL), respect my dil/sil and let my kids make new traditions and choices without interference. Not let my kids pay the price for my insecurities. And teach my kids to make GOOD choices in mates. ;)

 

ETA: "a daughter's a daughter all her life, but a son's a son 'til he takes a wife." is the first thing MIL said when we told her we were engaged. THe first think I'd do is FORGET that saying. ;)

ETA2: Several years ago MIL decided I was all things wonderful (and just like her :ack: ). That's helped our relationship a lot, but (1) history has taught us to not trust her, and (2) she still doesn't acknowledge any boundaries, so periodically dh has to put her back in her place (wish he'd just enforce the boundaries better, but as long as the effect is protecting the nest, I keep out of their relationship).

 

ETA3: (sigh) IMO IL issues are really spouse issues -- each spouse should be responsible for managing how their family impinges on the new nuclear family. Since IL issues have to rate as some of the most common and ongoing, I think I will try to educate my kids on how to resolve these issues, take responsibility, and again, pick their mates well. :D Maybe when they get into their early teens, discuss your IL relationship (or others in the family) and what works/doesn't. Deconstruct them and discuss what each party's ownership is and what they could do to improve things at different stages of the relationship. I think sometimes we try to hide these tensions from our kids and blow sunshine at them. Better to prepare them since I doubt they don't see it anyways.

Edited December 5, 2011 by ChandlerMom

[SailorMom]

My mother-in-law was wonderful, so I feel like I got good training from her.

 

She was warm and loving and accepting. I honestly don't remember a single argument with her or any tension at all. She offered advice and help when we asked and did not otherwise interfere.

 

I hope I can be half as gracious and terrific when it's my turn.

.

 

This- and my MiL is still around - so I'm still learning :)

I think part of what has worked so well is the adult relationship she and I have. I started dating DH when I was 16 and he was 17, so I think she does think of me as a daughter - but as I grew up, she and more quickly developed a friendship and realtionship that she and another adult friend would have.

We're very close, even when we disagree about so many things. But - I disagree about a lot of stuff wiht most people I am close to :)

Edited December 5, 2011 by SailorMom

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't know. I know not to be like my mom. Ugh. I have more issues with my mother than I do with my mil.

 

I just don't fit into my dh's family. I'm so different from them. His family has never done anything to make me feel a part of the family. His parents try to some extent. Other than just being so different in so many views of life, we get along fine. My in-laws don't interfere. I know I'm talked about behind my back, but oh well. They need something to gossip about. :D

[GoVanGogh]

I will respect the opinions of my DILs and not undermined their parenting. One thing I have learned since becoming a DIL is that I will need to make the DIL feel comfortable with me around her children if I ever hope to keep them overnight. Can you guess our issue?

Our family lives halfway across the country. I asked MIL to babysit our child twice for less than an hour during one of her visits. Both times ended in disaster and let's just say - MIL won't be around my child unsupervised ever again. I can't even imagine letting him stay with her overnight. :tongue_smilie:

 

Parenting:

This has been a major source of friction in our relationship. DH and I were married more than a decade before we had our child, so I was not a spring chick. My MIL knows that I have a brother much, much younger than myself and that I babysat frequently growing up, so I had a lot of 'baby experience.' She also knows that my mom walked out on us when my brother was just a few years old and that I was his 'second mom' during that time.

When my own child was a few years old, my MIL told me that I had upset her greatly because I never called and asked for advice on taking care of a baby. I was like :confused: Why would I? She said she had always envisioned her DIL calling and asking for parenting advice and that she would be the one to 'train' her DIL on how to raise a child.

First, I don't approve of how she raised her own children, so she's not the first person I would think to call. :lol: And when I did let her watch my baby, she wouldn't change his dirty diaper so she doesn't have a stellar reputation in the parenting department. :001_huh: More importantly: DS was premature and had a host of medical problems. When I needed help, I had to call a specialist because we were dealing with unusual and serious issues.

I just think - on MILs part - that her expectations were unrealistic. Why would I call my MIL when I had my own family? I would think a DIL would call her own family first.

MIL also oversteps her boundaries - She actually knows no boundaries. She will pull my son's baby pictures out of his photo album and tell me I need to throw them away "so he doesn't see them." Yeah. They aren't pretty baby pictures. He was premature. That is his story, though. He needs to know and understand his birth, as it may affect his health all his life.

So that is my MIL insight - don't expect your DIL to call for advice and know your boundaries.

 

(Mine is visiting in a few days. Can you tell I"m already worked up?! :lol:)

[jallison25]

i would hope that even if i didn't care for who my children picked to be thier spouse(s) that if they were happy i could be happy for them. Especially if they happened to be together for 15 years (ahem)

[Lady Florida.]

My MIL is a non-interfering type, and I get along with dh's siblings and their spouses. I don't have IL issues.

 

I am a MIL, and I'm about to become a grandmother. I don't try to be DIL's mother. I don't try to be her sister. I don't complain if they go to her parents house and not ours. I treat them both as adults and respect their opinions and decisions.

 

I think my DIL would say I'm a good MIL. We get along great, but we don't "hang out" together. She and DSS work so much and have different schedules. When they have time off at the same time, we know they like to spend it together as a couple. We're grateful when they choose to spend their time off with us.

[Jenny in Florida]

I think part of what has worked so well is the adult relationship she and I have. I started dating DH when I was 16 and he was 17, so I think she does think of me as a daughter - but as I grew up, she and more quickly developed a friendship and realtionship that she and another adult friend would have.

 

That's interesting, because I have known my husband and his family since we were in elementary school. We started "dating" in junior high and were together on and off through high school. We were apart for several years, then got back together and were married three years later. Especially because I have no relationship with my own parents, I was thrilled to be officially a part of their family, and they always treated me like a daughter.

 

My mother-in-law and I developed a different kind of relationship after my marriage. I always felt like she was an ally and a friend.

[Impish]

I think the 'non competition' is huge. Even simply 'no power struggles'.

 

I've watched my mother try to retain control, and it simply doesn't work, big time. Two of her three sons have nothing to do with her anymore.

[gardenmom5]

I started out by rearing my children *VERY* differently that my siblings and I were reared. It also ended up being pretty different than my dh and his siblings were reared.

 

My relationship with my children was always positive and respectful, and they were treated as distinct individuals. far more importantly, my children treat each other with respect, and have fun together.

[Hoggirl]

I have a great relationship with my m-i-l. She has excellent boundaries and has always treated me well. Never as "competition" for sure. I think of her as a friend. She is very open and genuine. She and I are rather different in some areas, but she loves me and accepts me as I am, and I try to do the same with her. My f-i-l, on the other hand is a completely different story. Sometimes I worry that we don't get along b/c we are so much alike! He is an only child and knows everything. I am an only child and know everything. :lol: He tries to be very controlling, but it doesn't really work. I will have to watch the controlling thing as well. Though I think I have gotten much better about this, especially with ds. My f-i-l still tries to tell my dh what to do, and he is 48 years old! I certainly have a good example in my own m-i-l to follow, however.

 

I will heed the advice about forgetting that saying.

[FairyMom]

 

Realizing that I'm a supporting player, not a lead role in their lives. Be as supportive as I can be. Bite my tongue til blood drips down my chin if need be, but keep any critical thoughts to myself.

 

:iagree: Once again, you beat me to my answer and said it better. :)

 

 

.... and not tell my grandchildren their mommy shouldn't do this or shouldn't do that to their face! :glare:

[Parker Martin]

I like my in-laws.

 

Some things that I think are nice in an in-law:

Having interests apart from picking apart everything about one's children.

Turning off the television.

Not being a gossip.

Living and letting live.

Not treating girls like dolls.

Respecting parents' choices and values.

[justamouse]

I have two sons-in-law -- from the time the weddings were being planned, my instinct was to keep my nose out of it, and it is a strategy that has worked well.

 

Without getting into all the different ways that these kinds of relationships can become uncomfortable or nightmarish, I will say that from the time my daughters were young, I made a conscious effort to raise them to be responsible adults who were capable of making wise decisions. Did they always do that? No. Was I always there on the sidelines with a broom and dust pan waiting to rush in and clean things up? No. Did I offer or present myself when it was clear that things maybe needed a little help? Infrequently. I think that what I did most of all was PRIOR to each of them being married, I would always let them know that if they needed me, I was there (totally different from my parents who literally left me to drown).

 

I am not in their business 24/7. Honestly, I do not wish to be. When I am in their homes, I keep my mouth shut. I do not offer my opinion and/or viewpoint unless it is asked for OR if I am observing or hearing about something that I think will most likely be harmful or hurtful to my grand daughters or my daughters. I don't think I have ever had to offer my opinion in such a situation.

 

And, if I feel compelled to offer my opinion, I always ask first if they would like to hear it -- if the answer is no, well, the answer is no.

 

My kids and their spouses love to come to our home, want us to come to theirs, and only with my dh and my sister is there 'tension' around the holidays. However, we separated ourselves from those tension-filled situations such a long time ago, that no one bothers us about showing up anymore. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: Well, apart from the fact that I have no DILs or SILs yet.

 

Most of the problems I have with my MIL is just her personality, and she tries to stay out of it. My mom isn't a bad MIL, but she has boundary problems in how she treats me, so if Dh is mad at her, it's because he sees my pain. But she never interferes in our marriage.

[Hen]

I'm going to try my darndest to not give advice, my m-i-l never did and never butt in and I adore her.

 

I will always be willing to plan holiday get-togethers on days other than the holiday, so the kids are not pressured about where they want to be. Like Thanksgiving on the Saturday after, etc.

[Laurie4b]

Buy duct tape in colors that coordinate with my wardrobe. Apply to mouth whenever in the vicinity of d-i-l I could inadvertantly offend.

[DianeW88]

I will sit down, shut up and wear beige. Which my friend says are the rules for being the mother of the groom. Then you just carry them forth throughout your son's marriage. :D

[Carol in Cal.]

All I will ever have to do to be a great MIL is think of my own MIL.

 

I am so blessed.

 

When I met her, DH and I were already engaged. She flew in to visit. We picked her up at the airport. I was so nervous. She was smiley and nice, and she showed me a white shawl that she had crocheted. I admired it, and she gave it to me. I thought, wow, she wanted to make sure I liked it before she gave it to me, even though it was a lot of work.

 

As we were walking around later, my DH leaned over to her and whispered (or at least he thought he did. He has no whisper. At all.): "Isn't she pretty, Mom?" To which she replied, to ME, "Yes, very. And do you love him?" When I said yes, that was it. She was my mom for life. Her criteria, her decision.

 

She is one who expressed her views, but doesn't push them, and who always has an underlying love with everything that she does. She helps where and when she can, and is not pushy. She always makes us welcome, but never guilty.

 

I hope to be like her someday.

[plansrme]

I am pretty sure that everything I need to know about being a mother-in-law, I have learned from watching countless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress on TLC: sit quietly, beam and say, "Oh, honey, you look lovely."

 

Terri

[Hoggirl]

Buy duct tape in colors that coordinate with my wardrobe. Apply to mouth whenever in the vicinity of d-i-l I could inadvertantly offend.

 

:lol:

[Brigitte]

I won't take over dil's kitchen, change meal plans that she has made in her own home, or let my stupid dog dictate everyone else's life. Oh wait, I don't have any sons!!!! So, I won't do any of that to my daughters. Basically, letting your kids live their lives without interference is the best plan (unless they ask for it, of course).

[inmyopinion]

I would remember that the DIL or SIL picked my child for life, they did not pick me! There is a good chance they will be different from me in many ways and that our interests and experiences will be different.

I have a great MIL, but we are very different people and I think it took both of us a little time to realize that we work differently and NOT judge each other by what we would do in any given situation. I use a lot of sarcasm (I like to call it wit) when I speak and she does not; it is almost like speaking two different languages! She is very, very cautious in all she does where I jump in feet first to everything! When we expect the other to respond as we would, well, it just does not work.

[Rosie_0801]

"a daughter's a daughter all her life, but a son's a son 'til he takes a wife."

 

That's a self fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard of one. :glare: My MIL treated all dh's girlfriends like that and at least two had already warned me against her before we met! So, from before we met, she seemed to be punishing me for stealing her little boy away. The little boy who had moved out of home a full decade ago. :glare: That couldn't have been my fault! (And it has taken almost another decade for them to notice he's grown up.)

 

I plan to treat my son and daughter in law as my new favourite friends so they let me babysit my grandkids. I think I will also bake all the cakes and bikkies I won't have baked while I was raising their spouses, that the little wives won't be baking for the same reasons I didn't. My grandma could always be relied on for apple pie and ice cream, so I know it's a tactic that works. :D

 

Rosie

[dangermom]

I have no complaints about my in-laws and me. They like me and never criticize, and they were thrilled when I married DH (a good way to start). The problems have come because they are no good with money (long story), and most because there is one 'black sheep' son and they always take his side and defend him. When he threatened another brother, everyone wanted them to stay out of it completely, but instead they took sides and defended the black sheep son (who is a scary, drug-addicted, DUI-getting guy). So they are largely not in our lives right now, but not because of any problems I personally have with them; it's between my husband and them.

 

So, my plan is to be friendly, loving, non-interfering, non-critical, and to never take sides.

[itsheresomewhere]

First- I will not give my advice free will.

Second- I will not invent a bible that projects my views.

Third- I will never tell my DILs that if we only believed in god more, then our children would be cured or they would have been born normal.

 

After those things, I will not play favorites among the grandchildren. I will also not ever play the guilt trip card or the if you only do what we say then you can go on vacation with us to where we are going and we will pay card. I also will never insult my pregnant DIL with don't eat that you will get fat comments. Nor will I predict the next great depression/food shortage/doomsday and harp on it.

 

This is a sore subject with me.

[edelweiss]

I will never have DILs (yet another reason that I'm grateful to only have girls :001_smile:), so I feel like I'm already a bit ahead.

 

I vow to maintain a more-than-a-respectful distance from my married girls and their families. They are welcome to come home on the holidays, but I won't be upset if they don't. If they choose to visit their in-laws or when the time comes that they want to spend the holidays alone with their own little families, I won't make them feel guilty. I'll just tell them to call my cell phone if they need me, as DH and I will be spending the holidays in Turks and Caicos or London or someplace. :001_smile:

 

I also won't try to influence their parenting. At that point, I'll have raised my children, they are free to do the same. I definitely won't be involved in the day-to-day life of my grandchildren.

 

And when we are invited to come to visit, we'll stay in a local hotel. ;)

[elfgivas]

i've been a mother-in-law for a few years now.

 

i try to "catch them being good". ie. notice the things they do well and complement them on them.

 

i try to listen well and reflect back what i'm hearing.

 

i find things to enjoy with him, and about him.

 

i'm lucky; he's great!

 

clear boundaries, lots of love, no criticism.....

 

fwiw,

ann

[CalicoKat]

ugh, I'll have a better idea when I know who all the players will be. Until then it's hard to know what their needs, wants, desires, etc. will be.

[Desert Rat]

I would be more involved and less critical than my own MIL.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, I won't have NPD. That'll be an excellent start :lol:

 

Realizing that I'm a supporting player, not a lead role in their lives. Be as supportive as I can be. Bite my tongue til blood drips down my chin if need be, but keep any critical thoughts to myself.

 

This! Especially the bolded part.

[JennyD]

I plan to try my best to channel my own MIL, who is loving, generous, and completely non-judgmental. I fear that fundamentally I may not be quite as nice a person as she is, but I intend to fake it until I make it. :001_smile:

[OrganicAnn]

I've seen both sides good MILs and bad, good DILs and bad. I hope that I will be in the good MIL camp, but it takes two to make a good relationship. I can only just hope that it all works out.

[Garga]

My MIL is great. I'm going to have to write down all the things I like about her, to make sure I do the same thing with my DILs.

[Mimm]

I plan to pretty much copy my inlaws exactly. :) They are always willing to help out, they watch my kids all the time, they don't let my kids misbehave at their house (so my kids don't come home all sugared up and bratty) but they don't try to parent my kids. They don't give advice that I don't ask for and even though they live about ten minutes away, they always call before stopping by. :)

[Myeightkiddies]

Be supportive and not judgmental. Understand that people are different. If the adult child is happy, then be happy for him/her even if the spouse isn't exactly as you'd hope. And, if you are of the praying persuasion, stay on your knees. You'd be surprised how quickly you learn to hold your tongue.

Edited December 8, 2011 by Myeightkiddies

[LibraryLover]

I was so young when I started dating my dh. My MIL had so much patience. I can only imgaine how much of a know-it-all I must have been like. Oy. ;) She was always loving, always available. Her need to love us was paramount, and looking back, she could have said things to me, but she never did. More than anything, my MIL was kind. It was never about her, even when it should have been. I miss her like crazy.

 

My own mother thinks my dh is great. She also loved my MIL. I would know better than to get into discussion about my dh or his family with my mother. I am pretty sure she would pick his side most times. lol

 

I have been so lucky. My dh knows my mom is a bit of a nut, but he has the patience of his own mother. He never takes anything personally. I often send a slient prayer towards the skies in thanks. :D

 

From my MIL, I learned than being young, dumb, and inexperienced in life issues is not a crime. She held no grudges. In her honor, I hope to be as loving and available.

Edited December 6, 2011 by LibraryLover

[mom4him]

I can tell you what I have done/am doing.

I try to be an encourager to my dil, always, always, always. If she asks me a question I will answer truthfully but I always try to end with what a good mom/wife she is and how I appreciate that. It is not false. I truly do feel that way.

 

The other thing and it took a few years to get there. I try very hard to not make the holidays something where they have to choose between his family or her family. They almost always spend Thanksgiving with us. This is their choice. It seems like Thanksgiving ends up not being very enjoyable with her family for some reason and my dil seems to genuinely enjoy it with us.

 

Christmas they rarely spend with us any more. It used to be they would spend Christmas eve with us and Day with her family or other way around. I always felt like she was spending the time at our house wishing she could be with her family. I just made me very sad for her and seemed to not be very enjoyable for either of us. Finally I talked to my ds about it and told him that I really don't care what day we get together for our family Christmas. That I understand dil wanting to spend it with her family and that it was ok. It took a couple of years but we have pretty much gone to our Christmas being spent on New Years Eve or day.

 

It is much more important to me that I have a good relationship with my dil and that she enjoy the time we have together than I have a certain holiday on a certain day.

 

We always have our family Christmas on Christmas Eve and Day but when we get together with older children can very.

[ErinE]

Realizing that I'm a supporting player, not a lead role in their lives. Be as supportive as I can be. Bite my tongue til blood drips down my chin if need be, but keep any critical thoughts to myself.

 

Exactly what I was going to say! Bite my tongue...

[ErinE]

I think I will also bake all the cakes and bikkies I won't have baked while I was raising their spouses, that the little wives won't be baking for the same reasons I didn't. My grandma could always be relied on for apple pie and ice cream, so I know it's a tactic that works. :D

 

 

This will be me! Friends don't understand that I really am looking forward to being that grandma, that spoils the kids and wants to look after the grandchildren, baking treats and serving sweets to lure them into spending time with me. I can still remember my grandmother serving me mirliton casserole (a cajun dish I love) one day afterschool. I felt her love pouring down over me with every bite.