Please help me!

[Nakia]

I know this is going to be long and crazy sounding. Please forgive me for that, and please be gentle. I am broken.

 

My 11 year old is having a really hard time. She is grieving and angry and hateful and has now become violent. Let me go ahead and say she is very strong willed, but until now, she has always been very very easy to parent. She is smart, outgoing, and has always been determined and ambitious. She is on fire for God and has big plans for her life.

 

Back in the summer, my fil was looking after our animals while we were out of town, and he let Anna's cat outside, and the cat never came back. That was her cat that she adopted with her own money and loved like a baby. It has been so hard for him to be gone, and she said the "not knowing" has been the hardest. In October my grandmother (the only great-grandmother my girls have known) passed away, and the same weekend our dog killed 8 of our chickens. Anna is a really big animal person, so this has been so hard on her.

 

She is also grieving for the end of a relationship with one of her best friends. The girls have been growing apart for a while, but then a few weeks ago, the friend told Anna about some very explicit s*xual "dreams" she had, and that ended up being a huge fiasco. Anna doesn't want to be friends with her anymore for that and a lot of other reasons, but it's still hard, and it seems like the end of the world to her.

 

She has been angry for months. And now, I think her grief is manifesting as anger. She hates school (never complained about school in the past), she is mean to her sisters, hateful to her dad, and has a complete raging meltdown about 2-3 times a week. She is in a bad mood pretty much every day. She has now starting becoming violent. A few examples: she clawed me the other day when I started to pick up my phone to call Patrick to come home and help me with her. She charged me two weeks ago. This morning she knocked Emma down for touching a CD that belongs to Anna. She is mainly violent with me and Emma.

 

I will admit that, in the past, I haven't been the poster child for how to handle anger appropriately. Most of you know I have bipolar disorder, and before I was properly medicated and counseled, I was a mess. I wasn't violent to my kids, but I've been a yeller and have been known to thrown things when I'm angry. But for about 2 years now, I've been much much better. I am handling her outbursts very well, I think. I speak calmly, try to get her to go to her room, and try to discuss is later with her when she is calm. Last week when she clawed me, I had to physically restrain her.

 

I have counseled her in ways to appropriately express her anger. She knows her body is changing rapidly right now. She refuses to journal. I did print off some stuff about grief, and we talked about it last night. She did a little "worksheet" about grief that just asked her to fill in some blanks to talk about her feelings. I thought it was a really good conversation. She is really willing to talk to me, when she isn't angry and raging, and I'm glad for that. We've talked about counseling, and that really sets her off. Our children's pastor is more than willing to talk with us, but again, the very mention of it sets Anna off.

 

I know she is hormonal. I fully expect her to start her period any day now. She eats healthy, exercises, and takes horseback riding, which she adores. She goes to middle school youth group and bible study at church. Speaking of, she now wants to quit going to bible study, and she didn't even bring her bible to church Sunday morning (very unusual for her). I think she did that to make me mad, but I didn't act like it bothered me. I just pointed out that it is hard to follow along with the sermon if you don't bring your bible.

 

Oh, and her daddy is very involved in her life. We both make it a point to spend one on one time with each girl. As you all know, that's hard sometimes. But we've really been working on it, especially for Anna. We cut out any of the Disney channel type shows months ago, and she doesn't play video games, listen to bad music, or watch violent shows/movies. She has a lot of caring and kind adults in her life. She has a lot of friends. She is not a lonely child.

 

Oh my...this did get really long. Thank you if you've made it this far. I guess I'm asking for a lot of prayer. And any advice you can give me is much appreciated. Should I force her to go to counseling? Does this sound like grief? Hormones? A combo? Mental illness? How can I handle the day to day anger and the violence?

 

I know I'm no where near perfect, but I'm trying really hard. What am I doing wrong? :crying:

 

I have cried all morning. Who knew being a mother could break your heart so much?

[Twigs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: No advice, but I can pray.

[Plucky]

:grouphug:First off you have to stop crying. Dealing with a teen and getting emotional is exactly what they want, although they may not know it. Have you read any of the love and logic books? You need to just give natural consequences for inappropriate behavior, be consistent, take breaks for both of you when emotions are high, when the emotions die down and you are both ready to talk - then talk and cuddle a lot.

 

It may take a while, maybe a whole year for your dd to get reasonable. You could also have her evaluated for bipolar. I have heard it is genetic.

 

Yes, your heart will break a million times maybe more before your kids are all out on their own. It is utterly exhausting at times. I know. :grouphug:

[astrid]

Oh my sweet friend, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this! What a perfect storm of tragedies, one on top of the other, for her little head to wrap around.

 

Please know I'm thinking of you and sending hugs!

 

astrid

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LinRTX]

Eleven is a hard age. I think it is a combination of hormones and grief. I know there is a book out there about a heart of anger and how to deal with it. I don't remember the title and have never actually read it (but have wanted to). I had one like this at around 11. She is 18 now and though she still gets angry, she does control it.

 

Is there ever a clue that some days are going to be worse than others? My daughter would wake up and have a look in her eye that let me know we were in for it that day. It took a while to recognize it. But once I figured out the look, I would just tell her -- "You have a mad on and your actions need to be more tightly controlled. Please remove yourself form the room when the angry feelings start escalating and come back when you are under control." I also prayed quite a bit and talked quite a bit. Basically, I told her she may not be able to control her feelings, but she needed to control her actions.

 

Hope this helps some

Linda

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

The raging is concerning enough that I would take her to the pediatrician for a referral to an adolescent mental health professional to rule out onset of bipolar disorder (or something similar) with approaching puberty. I know that's a scary thought. But better to either find out that intervention is not necessary, or find out that she needs some additional support, one way or the other. :grouphug: I would present this to her as a health-related visit that is not optional. Whether or not to insist on counseling of some kind can happen as a natural outcome of those visits, perhaps.

 

If I could go back in time and change just one thing, I would have taken my own daughter in much sooner. She started having difficulty at Anna's age. (She has not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, by the way. She does have extreme anxiety that manifests as irritability and anger.) I'm not predicting that your daughter's path will be the same as my daughter's. It could very well be that she is just so overwhelmed by the things going on in her life that she can't contain it.

 

You are providing your lovely daughter with a gentle, stable, supportive life. She's so blessed to have that as she navigates growing up and all of the issues she's facing right now. You're doing the right things. You're recognizing her battles and asking for advice and help. If nothing else, please trust that you are a good mom who is helping your daughter as much as you can. It is too easy to blame ourselves, but our children are given their own challenges to face, and sometimes the best we can do is walk alongside them on that path and try to help as much as we can.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug:

[Love HSing]

:grouphug: No advice but I'll pray. :grouphug:

[SKL]

For what it's worth, I pretty much became a lunatic at age 11. It was all hormonal, as I am otherwise a pretty mellow person.

 

As an example, my mom would remind me to wash the dishes (my regular job after dinner), and I'd go shut myself up, cry, and tell myself that the only thing I'm considered good for is to be my parents' slave. Every single day. (My poor mother!)

 

Not that that makes it any easier, but if you can keep reminding yourself that (a) this is natural and nothing you have caused or could prevent, and (b) this will pass and your happy, loving daughter will return, perhaps that could make it easier.

 

Yes, she is grieving on top of everything else. I think it's good that you were able to have a conversation with her about that and let her know that you are interested in her feelings and want her to feel better.

 

Personally, I turned a corner when I realized that I could talk and my mom could listen to me without judgment. I was about 13 then. I would sit and pour out a "stream of consciousness" of my thoughts regarding what so-and-so said and did, etc. I am sure I said a lot of foolish things, but my mom just listened as she did some needlework, and generally just validated my feelings (most of the time).

 

I was still hormonal. I pretty much snapped out of it at age 16, all of a sudden. I know 5 years sounds like a long time, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I do think you need to address the violence. At first just a calm statement that physically hurting other people will not be tolerated, followed by age-appropriate consequences (removal of social privilege?). If it continues, maybe this justifies professional intervention.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

The raging is concerning enough that I would take her to the pediatrician for a referral to an adolescent mental health professional to rule out onset of bipolar disorder (or something similar) with approaching puberty. I know that's a scary thought. But better to either find out that intervention is not necessary, or find out that she needs some additional support, one way or the other. :grouphug: I would present this to her as a health-related visit that is not optional. Whether or not to insist on counseling of some kind can happen as a natural outcome of those visits, perhaps.

 

If I could go back in time and change just one thing, I would have taken my own daughter in much sooner. She started having difficulty at Anna's age. (She has not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, by the way. She does have extreme anxiety that manifests as irritability and anger.) I'm not predicting that your daughter's path will be the same as my daughter's. It could very well be that she is just so overwhelmed by the things going on in her life that she can't contain it.

 

You are providing your lovely daughter with a gentle, stable, supportive life. She's so blessed to have that as she navigates growing up and all of the issues she's facing right now. You're doing the right things. You're recognizing her battles and asking for advice and help. If nothing else, please trust that you are a good mom who is helping your daughter as much as you can. It is too easy to blame ourselves, but our children are given their own challenges to face, and sometimes the best we can do is walk alongside them on that path and try to help as much as we can.

 

 

 

Cat

 

I've been typing and deleting my version of this. Finally myfunnybunch said exactly what I wanted to say. All of it.

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope the rest of your day is better, and your dd's as well. This isn't your fault or her fault. We can't always choose to be happy (dd) and we can't make the path smooth for our kids (mama). All we can do is to love and hope and look for help when we need it...and never give up.

[amsunshine]

I don't have much to suggest -- but we have found this book to be helpful. We read through it together as a family and did the exercises together.

 

Lots of :grouphug:.

[simka2]

:grouphug:I am going to strongly suggest counseling for her. It is scary at first, but so good to have someone to talk to. I would also encourage more time with the horses. I do not know if there is a way for you to lease or 1/2 lease one, but at her age I really needed the alone time to just be with my horses.

 

Grooming, riding in the pasture, sitting in their stall. It was so healing just to be near them, their shoulders seemed so big and strong and safe. Unfortunately, this is usually only possible if you can be around them for hours on end and you feel some sort of ownership/bond with that particular horse.

 

To encourage you, some of this is just the rollcoaster of emotions. Dd10 was sent to her room 3 times yesterday morning, complete with door slamming and foot stops. All because her attitude was just pissy :tongue_smilie:.

[astrid]

Yes, I agree with Tibbie, myfunnybunch and Simka2.

Hugs all around.

 

astrid

[SonshineLearner]

Stinky you have to deal with this :( BUT, good you can!! :) I would do some screening to see what you're dealing with, better to find out young. I would also look at diet.... make sure you know your food sources. I swore my daughter was gonna start her period for a couple of years before she did.

Lots of physical work and exercise would help, perhaps...

Hugs...

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jasar31629]

I was a pretty angry/bitter teen. My advice to myself for my own kids during that phase if it should so happen would be to get them outside of themselves. I personally feel that I had turned inward too much- I made mountains out of molehills and didn't have a proper perspective on my pretty dang good life despite some downs. I would enroll them in some pretty heavy volunteer opportunities. I didn't think therapy helped me much, but I would try this anyway. It helps to have the problem out there and recognized by others. Your dd may be fighting this because she is embarrassed by her actions- and that's ok! Also- if further intervention becomes necessary you will have that help there- whether medication or a record of involvement. Try to stay calm, keep a long-term objective in mind and continue to model and require healthy communication. So much as that is possible...I know you cannot force someone to be polite and positive. I think you'll need to draw a line though of how far you'll let the negative energy/talk/etc escalate before consequences hit. Make a game plan!

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough on a family. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Dolphin]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sending prayers.

 

Nicole

[FaithManor]

Nakia, :grouphug:

 

I'll pray. That's the best I can do. I will also say that I think an evaluation for bi-polar might be in order.

 

But, I also recommend as much time as possible with the horses. Horses are the most amazing, therapeutic creatures a child can work with...that is well trained, trustable horses - not abused, beat on work horses. Equine therapy is just HUGE and I've seen many a kid turned around from loving on and devoting themselves to a horse. Grooming a horse, leaning in and feeling the breath from their muzzle on your face, that little sign of affection when they nuzzle your neck while you groom them or tack up, it's amazing and these animals are completely, 100% in tune with the human spirit. So, they do not cooperate if your attitude is off. They demand better of the human and I've seen so many kids rise to that occasion for the love of their horse. So, please consider how you might work it out for her to be at the barn everyday or at least every other day.

 

Faith

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

No advice, just hugs.

[oldskool]

We have gone through this and to a certain extent still are. I would say hands down it is hormones. I was soooo happy once my daughter finally started her period because up until that time she became a person I did not know 24/7. Afterwards, that explosive personality is at least here for only a week or so which is much easier to deal with than every. single. day. I would say now that she hit 14 the hormones are regulating a bit. Those 10-13 years though were just horrible. I think that exercise is huge. DD started running and that helped a lot. We also got her a therapy light because we deal with SAD too. Sorry I don't have great advice, but I understand so well how horrible it is to go through. :grouphug:

 

 

Lesley

[Starr]

Wow, sometimes I'm glad my dd is having 17 year old issues. I cried the year I was 11, violence is not acceptable for any reason, dealing with common curtesy standards now will help later, trying to keep them busy so there isn't so much time for introspection, and some professional counseling are some of my thoughts. I'm don't think pastoral counseling is the same. Our dd talked and was prayed for by pastors but the nuts and bolts of life skills came from - ready - the ps psychologist. It was free and very helpful. Also are there some other girls around to get to know better? Loosing a friend is really hard. :grouphug: and prayers for all of you.

[Mynyel]

 

The raging is concerning enough that I would take her to the pediatrician for a referral to an adolescent mental health professional to rule out onset of bipolar disorder (or something similar) with approaching puberty. I know that's a scary thought. But better to either find out that intervention is not necessary, or find out that she needs some additional support, one way or the other. :grouphug: I would present this to her as a health-related visit that is not optional. Whether or not to insist on counseling of some kind can happen as a natural outcome of those visits, perhaps.

 

If I could go back in time and change just one thing, I would have taken my own daughter in much sooner. She started having difficulty at Anna's age. (She has not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, by the way. She does have extreme anxiety that manifests as irritability and anger.) I'm not predicting that your daughter's path will be the same as my daughter's. It could very well be that she is just so overwhelmed by the things going on in her life that she can't contain it.

 

You are providing your lovely daughter with a gentle, stable, supportive life. She's so blessed to have that as she navigates growing up and all of the issues she's facing right now. You're doing the right things. You're recognizing her battles and asking for advice and help. If nothing else, please trust that you are a good mom who is helping your daughter as much as you can. It is too easy to blame ourselves, but our children are given their own challenges to face, and sometimes the best we can do is walk alongside them on that path and try to help as much as we can.

 

 

 

Cat

 

:grouphug::grouphug::iagree::grouphug::grouphug:

 

By taking her in and having her evaluated the worst thing they can tell you is she is. That sounds bad now that I typed it but didn't in my head. At least then you will know and can do something. I would be taking in my dd too if this had been her.

[imagine.more]

:grouphug:I am going to strongly suggest counseling for her. It is scary at first, but so good to have someone to talk to. I would also encourage more time with the horses. I do not know if there is a way for you to lease or 1/2 lease one, but at her age I really needed the alone time to just be with my horses.

 

Grooming, riding in the pasture, sitting in their stall. It was so healing just to be near them, their shoulders seemed so big and strong and safe. Unfortunately, this is usually only possible if you can be around them for hours on end and you feel some sort of ownership/bond with that particular horse.

 

.

 

ITA about the counseling just to check on possible bipolar or depression since you have it too. I remember being around that age (more 13-14 for me), it was horrible and oddly horses were my go-to therapy every time. I volunteered at a horse barn to hang with them and earn riding time and it was a great experience. It also got me some much-needed physical exercise and sunshine that I'm sure didn't hurt either. Leasing a horse can be expensive but surely not more expensive than therapy, right? :) Funny how the same random thing worked for others too.

[Plucky]

If you do have her counseled, I agree with the person about finding a good person outside of church. I'll take it one step farther and tell you to be extremely selective in finding a mental health provider. Just because someone has a masters or phd doesn't mean they are a good fit and can help you.

 

I've dealt with my fair share of mental health professionals, and some are just out to make a ton of money. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't. I am currently doing telemed through Seattle where there are top notch doctors. The pediatric psychologists and psychiatrists in my area are lacking.

 

Good luck.

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Good advice has already been given. So much loss in such a short time. Is it at all possible for her to get another kitten or cat? I know that that won't solve the violence issues and all, but it might be really helpful for all of you to have a diversion, and for her to have someone to confide in. Kids can usually talk with a pet better than with people. Definitely seek counseling as the violence isn't okay, and she needs to deal with her grief. :grouphug:

 

Praying for her and your family. :grouphug:

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug: to you, teens are hard :grouphug:

 

If anger or other temperment issues had always been an issue with her, I wouldn't worry too much, but since this is new for her, I would definitely get an evaluation. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support her, spending time with them is especially important, and that you are doing. Since this is still continuing I would have her seen. It's likely that hormones are bringing out anger and causing an over reaction.

 

Hormone changes can also bring out things such as the start of bipolar which is heavily genetic, so for that reason too I would have her seen.

 

She probably feels horrible, and help would bring you both relief.

[TeacherZee]

I haven't BTDT as a mother but I was the kid. I agree with giving her as much time as possible with horses. I also suggest that some of the alone time with you or her father should be in the car. I am a firm believer in long car journeys with a parent as a way of bonding and solving problems. You have to sit together but you don't have to look at each other. Makes it a lot easier to talk.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And remember that you are a great mom.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I have cried all morning. Who knew being a mother could break your heart so much

?

 

I know, Dear One.

 

You are not alone. I agree with everyone else--horses, therapy, evaluation, prayer. Take care of yourself, too.

 

Go carve out some time to get still before the Lord. He will fill you. It is hard, but you can walk this road.

[ereks mom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

The raging is concerning enough that I would take her to the pediatrician for a referral to an adolescent mental health professional to rule out onset of bipolar disorder (or something similar) with approaching puberty. I know that's a scary thought. But better to either find out that intervention is not necessary, or find out that she needs some additional support, one way or the other. :grouphug: I would present this to her as a health-related visit that is not optional. Whether or not to insist on counseling of some kind can happen as a natural outcome of those visits, perhaps.

 

...

 

You are providing your lovely daughter with a gentle, stable, supportive life. She's so blessed to have that as she navigates growing up and all of the issues she's facing right now. You're doing the right things. You're recognizing her battles and asking for advice and help. If nothing else, please trust that you are a good mom who is helping your daughter as much as you can. It is too easy to blame ourselves, but our children are given their own challenges to face, and sometimes the best we can do is walk alongside them on that path and try to help as much as we can.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

 

EK was moody & weepy at age 11, but since the hormones have leveled out, she is a JOY! I pray the same outcome for you.

[OLG]

You likely have herd this from another ...can she find something, like a hobby, project, the throw herself into or occupy her mind and time? If she were a guy I would say get out and do some serious physical exercise daily. Maybe that is still an idea? IT is simply so hard to parent through these hormonal and agonizing times. Keep reassuring her of your love and support and maybe make a weekly mom-daughter 'date' to get out and do something together? :grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

Oh hon, as you well know raging and violence can be signs of bi-polar. It is genetic and often presents at puberty. The good news is that getting under control before the teen years will make it so much easier for her to manage them. One of my dd is also bi-polar and we are pretty tuned to each other moods so when one of us is manic the other almost invariably is as well which makes managing either of us very difficult indeed. We definitely need a third person to help us manage. Get thee to thy doctor right away. You can start with your doctor and he will point you in the right direction. You can PM me and I will send you my email addy if I haven't already. I have navigated these water sand would be glad to hold your hand along the way. :grouphug:

Edited November 30, 2011 by KidsHappen

[JennifersLost]

Lots of good advice already. I'd also recommend regular exercise and how about a couple of supplements since she might be getting close to getting her period?

 

Maybe one of those EFA oils - like Flax seed oil? Just one gelcap per day?

 

Possibly chaste berry? It's such a gentle, soothing and toning (hormone-wise) herb.

[MariannNOVA]

I PM-d you. :grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[JFSinIL]

I agree to have her checked out - I was thinking bipolar, too - and that before I read all your post and saw that you already know about it. Something is going on that is far more than grief over a lost pet, and I think you know it.

 

One of mine had "rage attacks" from toddlerhood, and our pediatric neuro said possible bipolar diagnosis when older. Well, age 17 she finally asked to see a doctor, and got the diagnosis (not full-blown, but a version with less mania and more depression). In the intervening years we have all walked on tip-toe around this kid, to avoid setting her off.

 

Good luck!

[DianeW88]

The raging is concerning enough that I would take her to the pediatrician for a referral to an adolescent mental health professional to rule out onset of bipolar disorder (or something similar) with approaching puberty. I know that's a scary thought. But better to either find out that intervention is not necessary, or find out that she needs some additional support, one way or the other. :grouphug: I would present this to her as a health-related visit that is not optional. Whether or not to insist on counseling of some kind can happen as a natural outcome of those visits, perhaps.

 

:iagree:This is not just "normal" pre-adolescent behavior. Something is wrong and needs to be addressed immediately. Bi-polar disorder does have a genetic component and often manifests itself during adolescence. I would have her examined and evaluated as soon as possible. And she doesn't get a say in that...just tell her it's what needs to be done and you're going to do it. Honestly, if this (or another mental health issue) is the problem, it won't get better...it will get worse. :grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Unicorn.]

One more thing to consider. How is she sleeping? I know w/ your history she could very well be bipolar, but it could also be a sleep disorder. Ask her if she is waking up at night. My dd became Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde at that age, very similar to what you are describing. Since she was diagnosed w/ a sleep disorder, and started taking Valerian root, she is a new person. I do agree w/ others that it's time for her to be seen, but don't rule out something as simple as sleep issues.

:grouphug:

[Nakia]

I really appreciate every single post and pm. I really wanted someone to say to me, "There's no way she has bipolar disorder!" But of course, I knew that wasn't going to happen because it is a very real possibility.

 

I made a call to her horseback riding instructor today, and she was very happy to hear that we would like Anna to spend more time there. This woman is like family to us, and Anna loves and respects her so much. She is a Godly woman and a wonderful influence on Anna, so I'm glad that you all suggested that. The barn is pretty far from us (30 minutes), so to start with, Anna is going to spend several hours on Thursday afternoons there. We'll see how it goes and hopefully get her there twice a week.

 

We've had a really nice evening together. Patrick came home from work early, and we've been making Christmas gifts for each other. :001_smile:

 

Someone mentioned getting her a new cat. She has a new kitten, but she hasn't completely bonded with little Lily. I think she is scared.

 

I totally agree about getting professional counseling as well as going through the church. This is going to take a village.

 

Again, thank you for your kind words, advice, and hugs. It means a lot to me.

[MamaT]

Nakia,

I just saw your post. I just want you to know I'm praying for you. Call me any time you need to talk - or come on over! You know I love you. :grouphug:

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:s and prayers. Time with the horses sounds great!

[ScoutTN]

Praying!

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[redsquirrel]

Much love and tenderness to both of you.

 

You have got some good advice here. I just want to add that depression can manifest as rage.

[FrogMom5]

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know what advice you have received so far. For what it's worth, when dh lost his parents he became very angry. He was volatile w/ds and I and would yell really loudly (he's a Marine) at us over nothing. After a few episodes, he went to grief counseling and within a few weeks, the anger subsided.

 

That's a long way around to say, it could be grief. Your dd has had a lot of losses in a short amount of time and it may be more than she can handle, especially at such a young age.

 

If she won't discuss it w/you, and she may not even know the root of her own anger, take her to a grief counselor. It is most likely a combination of factors but I'd bet that grief is significant portion of it.

 

:grouphug: Your dd will be in my prayers.

Denise

[Janie Grace]

I agree with those who said this sounds like grief plus hormones. Nothing you wrote rings alarm bells of her having a mental illness. I am not an expert by any stretch, I'm just sharing with you how it hits me. I think that time will heal the pain of the losses that she has experienced, and that, while her hormones will still be going crazy, those wounds won't always be so fresh. One-on-one time, horses, plenty of sleep, patience and a big-picture view. You will come through this and so will she.

[zaichiki]

I really appreciate every single post and pm. I really wanted someone to say to me, "There's no way she has bipolar disorder!" But of course, I knew that wasn't going to happen because it is a very real possibility.

 

I made a call to her horseback riding instructor today, and she was very happy to hear that we would like Anna to spend more time there. This woman is like family to us, and Anna loves and respects her so much. She is a Godly woman and a wonderful influence on Anna, so I'm glad that you all suggested that. The barn is pretty far from us (30 minutes), so to start with, Anna is going to spend several hours on Thursday afternoons there. We'll see how it goes and hopefully get her there twice a week.

 

We've had a really nice evening together. Patrick came home from work early, and we've been making Christmas gifts for each other. :001_smile:

 

Someone mentioned getting her a new cat. She has a new kitten, but she hasn't completely bonded with little Lily. I think she is scared.

 

I totally agree about getting professional counseling as well as going through the church. This is going to take a village.

 

Again, thank you for your kind words, advice, and hugs. It means a lot to me.

 

How does she behave with the riding instructor? Everything normal? Is she happy there? If that is the case, I agree that more time in the barn can only be good. If your dd handles herself well, consistently, at the barn, I would hesitate to worry about depression or mental illness.

 

My mother has bipolar (in addition to a host of other issues) and I went through a stage at an age similar to your dd's when I was very angry. I did not and do not have mental illness, but that was the first thing my mother suspected. She perseverated on that quite a bit. She went overboard forcing counseling, too. I have to admit that I resented her for that. I'm only sharing that to encourage you and your husband to remember that it doesn't *have* to be mental illness and to encourage you to be gentle with the counseling. Do what you can to get her on board before you go. Try to be flexible. Many people have shared that it is common for kids of that age to have strong emotions/hormone-induced-craziness :tongue_smilie: and I agree that it could very well be the case for your dd. Who knows? Keep that possibility open.

 

I think it would have done wonders for me to get out somewhere to do real work in an environment away from my anger. I would have LOVED to have spent hours each week at a horse barn.

 

Good luck!

[Nakia]

My heart tells me this is grief along with a strong personality and hormones. Hard combo, huh? I really want to handle this gently with grace and understanding. I am trying to look at it from all angles; I just want to see my little girl happy. I am not 100% convinced that she needs to see a counselor at this time, but then again, I'm not convinced she doesn't.

 

She is wonderful at the barn. She and her instructor are very very close. Her instructor is about 60, so she is like a grandmother to Anna. I am so thankful for their relationship.

 

Thank you.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

:grouphug:

 

I mean this gently, but firmly: It, quite frankly, does not matter if the mention of counseling sets her off. She needs to go. Is your pastor qualified to counsel? (As in Master's or higher in Psych or counseling?)

 

Please please PLEASE get her in with a counselor! I think that her reaction to her stressors is normal, but it is still hurtful to the family.

 

I would discuss it with you and dh with her and tell her that this is non-negotiable. Something has to change. :grouphug:

 

It sounds like she feels out of control and like she doesn't know how to stop it, either, kwim?