Did You? Are We Unreasonable?

[Impish]

Ok, question for the Hive.

 

Wolf was talking to MIL. From what I understand, she's been holding a grudge from when the Littles were born :001_huh:

 

She's angry that we didn't call her the nanosecond I was in labour, but waited until after they were born. In Tazzie's case, we called at a decent hour, since he was born at 1:44 am.

 

She demanded she get a call before we leave for the hospital. :001_huh:

 

We've never called ANYONE until after baby was born. When I was induced w/Diva, there were a bunch of ppl calling the hospital and driving the staff nuts b/c they knew it was happening, and I'm just not interested in that again.

 

I shouldn't say we don't call anyone...we call whomever we've arranged to mind the kids, but that's it.

 

Are we in the wrong here? Is it usual to call ppl to let them know you're in labour? Or is it more typical to call when its all said and done?

[RoughCollie]

I vote for afterward.

[Parrothead]

I called my mom and dh called his mom. 50 people showed up.

 

I swore if we ever did it again that would be done differently.

[ktgrok]

I don't want people bugging me about it, or my hubby fielding phone calls.Also, I was having a homebirth this time, and my mom was very upset about that. I didn't want to deal with her in labor, but also didn't want her feelings hurt. So we called when I was pushing, knowing she lived 3 hours away and wouldn't be here before the baby. We just told her things went faster than we anticipated :)

 

It was good I did it hat way, as she later said that if she had been at my labor she would have insisted on calling 911 and having me taken to the hospital. Ugh.

[Mama Geek]

I vote for afterward.

:iagree:

[SquirrellyMama]

I think with the first we called before because it was later in the morning. I went into labor early morning with the other two so we may have waited with them. Kelly

[PeacefulChaos]

It just depends, I guess. I think it depends on the family relationship, mostly... The only time I went into labor (well, my water broke, anyway) was with DS7, and we told my in laws because we were living in an apartment very close to them. :) We called my grandparents at about 8am our time, when I had been there about 3 hours. (Still wasn't feeling anything, though). My grandparents said we could have called at 3am, because they were driving down to be here when he was born, but I figured they would have time. (And I was right, since they still were here a full 15 hours before he was born, AFTER their 17+ hour drive :lol: )

The other two have been scheduled c/s so we've known when they were. Then everyone knew. Never had people calling the hospital though... the whole thing with people calling (that multiple PPs have mentioned) baffles me a little. I guess we're private people and everyone knows that, so they don't bother us. Once the baby was born we always called someone and then let it travel through the grapevine. With DD I sent out a text with her name and a picture.

[Avila]

I called everyone with DD12, and I asked them all to wait until she was born to come. I spent my labor entertaining my "guests." :tongue_smilie:

 

For the other two, I knew for sure I was not having any pain meds for medical reasons and we told NOBODY but the person we had watching the other kids until the baby was born.

 

I don't need company during labor. ;). And it sounds like you don't either. There is nothing selfish about that.

[Audrey]

Call only if YOU want to. Only if YOU feel it's important. When they told me I was going to have to have a c-section, I called my dad. I have a deep rooted fear of surgery. I just wanted to talk to him in case I died, to let him know it was okay.

[Danestress]

I honestly would be sad not to be told that my child was headed to the hospital. I would want to pray for my grand baby and dil.

 

 

 

 

Ok, question for the Hive.

 

Wolf was talking to MIL. From what I understand, she's been holding a grudge from when the Littles were born :001_huh:

 

She's angry that we didn't call her the nanosecond I was in labour, but waited until after they were born. In Tazzie's case, we called at a decent hour, since he was born at 1:44 am.

 

She demanded she get a call before we leave for the hospital. :001_huh:

 

We've never called ANYONE until after baby was born. When I was induced w/Diva, there were a bunch of ppl calling the hospital and driving the staff nuts b/c they knew it was happening, and I'm just not interested in that again.

 

I shouldn't say we don't call anyone...we call whomever we've arranged to mind the kids, but that's it.

 

Are we in the wrong here? Is it usual to call ppl to let them know you're in labour? Or is it more typical to call when its all said and done?

[BigMamaBird]

I want my parents at the hospital, not in the delivery room, in the waiting room. So we call them when I'm admitted. We also call dh's parents to let them know what's going on. I REALLY don't want them there and they've never come up, so it works.

 

But if you don't want to call anyone that's your decision to make. MIL can just stew after the fact.

[Catwoman]

My vote goes to Whatever Makes You and Wolf Most Comfortable.

 

But... if MIL isn't going to call everyone she knows, or rush straight to the hospital, demanding to be with you when you deliver the baby, it might not be a big deal to have Wolf give her a call. But if there's any possibility that she will do anything to upset you or make you nervous during The Big Event, just wait and call her later.

 

OTOH, I don't like the idea that she is "demanding" that this be done. It's not her decision to make. But if my son was grown and married, and his wife was having a baby, I would be incredibly sad that they didn't give me a quick call to let me know what was happening. (Of course, I would like to think I will be a Nice MIL...)

Edited October 20, 2011 by Catwoman

[Anne]

Dear Imp,

 

Given what we know about your mil, I think she should be thankful that you call her AT ALL!!

 

You are NOT unreasonable - Call Whomever you like Whenever you like - it's not about them this time!!

 

Anne

[justamouse]

Freakin.. The LAST thing I think of doing is calling people when I'm going into labor. My Mom got all wigged and tried to call my labor room q gazillion times and then *****ed me out that I didn't pick up the phone.

 

Hello-do you GET how much pain I was in and how much focus I needed? Can you NOT be the center of attention for a few hours?

 

And, worse, I don't call people till the next day. I just had a baby, thankyouvermuch. I want to be alone with my husband, the new blessing and my kids. Alone. In my room with them. I do NOT want guests.

 

/rant

 

 

NO you are not unreasonable.

[FaithManor]

We never called until afterward. With dd, dh called the granparents right away. With the boy #1, we waited a couple of hours. Boy #2, born at 3:15 a.m. so we waited until 7:00 a.m. to call anyone. Boy #3 in the afternoon, but again, I wasn't feeling well and dh didn't want anyone to come visit too quickly. So, he waited a few hrs. to call (they were all a bit miffed but our attitude was "WHO BLOODY WELL CARES!") and then we told them there would a "do not disturb" for our room (midwife insisted) which would mean I couldn't have visitors anyway until the nursing staff lifted it. That was a huge blessing. 24 hrs. of rest before I felt up to seeing anyone.

 

So, except for the first one, we weren't particularly prompt and we NEVER called because I was in labor. Well, except my sister, because she came to stay with dd.

 

Faith

[MeghanL]

We called our parents when my water broke for my first. My parents, in-laws, siblings & in-law siblings all waited at the hospital until my first was born. I loved having them there. They all went out for dinner together after they were done visiting (they took DH too) and DH brought me back Dairy Queen after.

 

My 2nd & 3rd were both induced and our entire families were present for those as well. They all also visited a lot after the births and offered to take the older kids on day long field trips while I got used to being home. But, our families are very close and non-dysfunctional. Probably wouldn't have worked so well if that were not the case.

[Joker]

Dh & I both called our parents before heading to the hospital. They then called our siblings. I honestly never thought not to call and hope my dds call us. That said, if we didn't have good relationships with our parents we probably would have waited until after.

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

I didn't call ANYONE until after my first was born. With my second, I had to let my mom know because she was watching DS. DD was born at 9:10pm and we didn't call the in-laws until the next morning.

 

And my inlaws (now EX inlaws) still hold a serious grudge.

[Sugarfoot]

I vote that it is entirely up to the woman in labor!!!

 

Seriously, some families are the hang-out-in-the-waiting-room type. Some are the thanks-for-the-update-let-us-know-when-the-baby's-here type. Others are the know-no-boundaries-let-me-in-there-now! type. I think you have to know what you're dealing with, what you can handle, and act accordingly.

[angela in ohio]

In our family culture, it's typical to call everyone when you go into labor. Dh made the calls on the way to the hospital (I was induced each time, sent over from the doctor's office to the hospital.) Everyone camps out at the hospital until the baby is born. My dh, mil, mom, sil, and aunt were all in and out of the room while I was having the baby. We had 15-20 people in the waiting room the whole time (about 20 hours each time,) plus friends stopping by. :lol: Calling after the baby was born would be considered very odd and probably insulting.

 

If ds marries a girl who has a different family culture, though, I would expect that to take precedence, because she is the one having the baby.

[catz]

I honestly would be sad not to be told that my child was headed to the hospital. I would want to pray for my grand baby and dil.

 

:iagree: I totally get where your MIL might not be close to you and a big pain. But for a extremely small amount of effort, it would clearly mean something to her and might open the way for a better relationship. Or not. But at least it won't be on your conscience. This should be your DH's job anyway. I don't necessarily think you need to be involved. I let my DH deal with most interactions with his family.

 

I had planned c-sections so everyone knew D-Day. But I told everyone no visitors until they heard from us because I didn't know what kind of shape I'd be in (particularly w/my first which was high risk). I definitely would have called my parents upon going to the hospital if I would have gone into labor. I kind of feel it would have been up to DH whether or not he was going to contact his family, guessing he would have. His parents are not the "show up at the hospital with an entourage" type anyway.

[itsheresomewhere]

I learned with my first not to say a thing until after the baby was born. That combined with my miles between family policy keeps us sane. We didn't let anyone know until after my second was born. Otherwise, they call and call and call.

[Perogi]

Totally depends on family relationship. My SIL just had a baby and her parents were staying with us. She called at 11pm to tell her parents that her water just broke and we waited until we heard from her again. Her dh called the next morning to update us and then we heard again after the baby was born.

 

In our family, both sides, I think feelings would be hurt if we didn't call until afterward. BUT - no one would call or show up at the hospital. All would appreciate being told and would then wait for an update.

[In2why]

I honestly would be sad not to be told that my child was headed to the hospital. I would want to pray for my grand baby and dil.

 

 

Agreed. I would be devastated if my child didn't call me to let me know they were giving birth. I would be completely okay with them wanting it to be a private experience with just the 2 of them, but I would be hurt if they didn't call me. But I don't have the relationship with my kids and in-laws that you seem to have and have worked very hard to make sure that they never feel like I am crossing a boundary.

[Ellie]

Dear Imp,

 

Given what we know about your mil, I think she should be thankful that you call her AT ALL!!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Mandy in TN]

Depends on the family.

 

I called my mom before I left for the hospital with all of mine. Of course, after the first, she babysat the other kids. Anyway, I would have been sad if she had not come and she would have been sad if I had not called. I just can't imagine not sharing the birth of her grandchild with her.

 

My xh called his parents when we went to the hospital when the oldest was born. We lived next door to them. They didn't come to the hospital and xh was very sad and upset that they didn't bother to come. With #2 they showed up bearing gifts. LOL

 

Mandy

[Paige]

We always called before we went to the hospital but I took no phone calls and nobody was allowed into the room. They were told ahead of time that nobody would be visiting me in labor and that we weren't taking calls so it wasn't a problem. You can tell the nurses not to let anyone in and to disconnect the phone and not send messages. My mom and MIL were disappointed to not be there but they got over it. I would give MIL a call.

[QueenCat]

I honestly don't remember what we did... I know it was pre-cell phone days. You need to do what is comfortable for you. Especially if you don't want her to show up.

[WeeBeaks]

We only call the caregivers to come over for labor. Nobody else.

 

Honestly, you need to do what you feel is right for your family and who cares what she thinks. Too bad. Others do not get to dictate the minute details of your life. I come to this conclusion with a few MIL problems of my own. In labor, what makes the mama feel comfortable and as relaxed as possible is what gets done. No extra stressors. ;)

[ktgrok]

I wanted to amend my earlier post. I didn't call my mom until i was pushing because she had made so many controlling, hurtful statements about my home birth. Had she been supportive and openminded I'm sure I would have called her earlier. I didn't tell the inlaws because my hubby's father died years ago, and his mother was in a coma at the time. I DID tell all my ICAN friends, and my best friend in the world, who drove 3 hours to be here for me while I delivered.

[MeaganS]

We called to let our moms know because they were going to help with the older children or right after the birth, and I wanted to give them warning. Also it is exciting to go and I like to tell people.

 

What we did with DD3 was announce it on Facebook and put a link to our personal family blog where my hubby updated those who were interested as things progressed. With our second DD and with this new little one, we ended up having more than a day's warning about their c-sections so there wasn't much to put on our family blog.

[katilac]

I'm sure it varies a lot, neither way is wrong.

 

In my family, we let one person know, and the grapevine goes to work. We don't have to worry about people calling and bugging the staff, because they're all camped out in the waiting room, lol.

[Impish]

Thanks for all the responses!

 

We live in another province from all family, so its not that we'd have ppl barging in...more a matter of we don't want to be harrassed with constant phone calls.

 

Plus, there's nothing they can do. They can't come and wait, and my labours have been long, so we figure what's the point...there's no way that MIL wouldn't be calling incessantly.

 

I guess I just looked at it from the practical pov, that since there's nothing they can do, they may as well not spend hrs in limbo, waiting for news.

 

I honestly don't see MIL getting a call. Wolf doesn't want to deal w/her calling the hospital constantly, and figures that there's no way she wouldn't do that.

[jennsmile]

I call MIL after baby is born and sometimes in the morning. My parents get a call as they are caregivers for the older ones.

 

My MIL worries to much so I would rather not have her worrying.

[Nakia]

With #1, we picked my mom up on the way to the hospital so she could go with us. DH called his dad once we got to the hospital and knew we weren't leaving without a baby.

 

With #2 and #3, I was induced, and both sets of parents knew the day ahead of time.

 

My mother and Patrick's dad were there for almost the entire labor each time (I had short labors), but they went from my room to the waiting room. My mom was in the room for the births of #1 and #2 (she had made a quick trip home and missed #3). It honestly didn't bother me, and I have a strained relationship with my mom and father-in-law. They were so excited though, and they adore their granddaughters; I can't imagine them not being there.

 

That said, I do not think you are being unreasonable! It's up to you and Wolf. It's your family's day, not hers.

[jennsmile]

We called to let our moms know because they were going to help with the older children or right after the birth, and I wanted to give them warning. Also it is exciting to go and I like to tell people.

 

What we did with DD3 was announce it on Facebook and put a link to our personal family blog where my hubby updated those who were interested as things progressed. With our second DD and with this new little one, we ended up having more than a day's warning about their c-sections so there wasn't much to put on our family blog.

 

 

I guess I am private. I wouldn't post updates of my labor in real time...

[SKL]

It may differ based on whether it's your first (or their first grandchild) or a later child. I know my mom was there when her first grandchild (son's kid) was born. Not sure if the dil wanted it that way or not. But it was a first for my brother and my mom, so I think it was important to both of them. My mom was not there for the younger grandkids' births.

 

I'm thinking that in my family, the call generally goes out when the pregnant lady is on her way to the hospital. Not at the first hint of labor, and not after the birth.

 

(Mine came via plane, and I took the only grandma with me to go get them, so no politics there.)

 

I can understand the desire of the MIL to pray for a healthy birth.

 

Since you know she wants advance notice and apparently don't want to tick her off, maybe just tell her that you'll call her at x point. If she gives you the look, just run for an urgent potty break or something.

[MariannNOVA]

My vote is for the call afterward.

 

When dd12 was born, dh and I were getting ready to leave for the hospital, and dh says to me "I have to call my mother." I replied that it wasn't necessary (I was having a c-section -- it's just that I had gone into labor before the scheduled date). 'Oh, yes, I do.' he said. I told him to go ahead and call, but she did not have to come to the hospital (ftr, it was sleeting and icing, it was after 11pm on a Saturday night, and in that kind of weather, we were easily an hour from the hospital - which was across the river in Phila). DH called her and told her she didn't have to come to the hospital, then he said that I said it wasn't necessary. He hung up the phone and apparently, she was crying b/c it was her 'tradition' (our dd was the 3rd grandchild she would have) to be at the hospital while the baby was being delivered.

 

I said '(you know what) it.' If it's so all fired important, tell her to come to the hospital but for goodness sake they should drive carefully.

 

She and FIL were at the hospital -- they saw dd a few hours after she was born, and mil was happy -- until I did something else to displease her.

 

Fortunately, at this point, 12.5 years later, dh doesn't really care and he 'gets' it.

 

I say do what you want to do.;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

We did not call my ILs. My MIL would have been there and I could not have handled that. We called them afterwards.

 

I did call my parents but since they live over 2000 miles away, I knew that they would not be there. I couldn't have handled that either. We called them afterwards to tell them how it went. (Funny story with dd9. She was due 2 weeks after my dad's birthday. He kept joking that she would be born on his birthday. Sure enough, I went into labor very early on his birthday. I called him to let him know, but he thought I was playing a joke on him. The joke was on him when I called him later to tell him that indeed his granddaughter was born on his 80th birthday!)

 

As for praying, my parents were praying during the delivery (except for the one they thought was a joke). It would not have occurred to my ILs.

[Impish]

With #1, we picked my mom up on the way to the hospital so she could go with us. DH called his dad once we got to the hospital and knew we weren't leaving without a baby.

 

With #2 and #3, I was induced, and both sets of parents knew the day ahead of time.

 

My mother and Patrick's dad were there for almost the entire labor each time (I had short labors), but they went from my room to the waiting room. My mom was in the room for the births of #1 and #2 (she had made a quick trip home and missed #3). It honestly didn't bother me, and I have a strained relationship with my mom and father-in-law. They were so excited though, and they adore their granddaughters; I can't imagine them not being there.

 

That said, I do not think you are being unreasonable! It's up to you and Wolf. It's your family's day, not hers.

See, and I'm eternally grateful that nobody lives close enough to be there at the hospital! I know many ppl find it wonderful to have family present in L&D, but I'd be completely squicked out.

[MinivanMom]

We've never called anyone until after the baby is born. You're not unreasonable at all.

 

I understand why some would feel sad to not know that their dd or dil has gone into labor, but it really is a distraction to have your husband fielding phone calls and managing extended family when you need him to be there supporting you.

 

You also have to understand that there are many grandmothers who would not respect the couple's birth choices and just pray for them during the labor. With our first we told my mil that we would be calling her after dd7 was born, because she was very open about the fact that she planned to crash into the delivery room regardless of our wishes. If we had called her during our labor she would have showed up with a huge crowd of people and tried to push her way in. As it was, when we called her afterwards her response was, "You did not have your baby! I've been calling the hospital every two hours waiting for you to check in!" Yes, she had been calling the hospital waiting until we checked in, so she could show up unannounced and push her way in. That's why you register as a private patient . . . to keep your name out of the hospital directory. ;)

[SKL]

 

I honestly don't see MIL getting a call. Wolf doesn't want to deal w/her calling the hospital constantly, and figures that there's no way she wouldn't do that.

 

Tell her that the phones don't work well in the hospital. It's probably not a lie. Then just turn the ringer off.

[Nakia]

See, and I'm eternally grateful that nobody lives close enough to be there at the hospital! I know many ppl find it wonderful to have family present in L&D, but I'd be completely squicked out.

 

:lol: I might have had a different opinion if I had had difficult or long labors. They were short and easy, and I truly enjoyed visiting with everyone. My kids were there too. I did have epidurals so that probably helped me remain calm. Everything's better when you're medicated. :D

[HiddenJewel]

We always called when in labor. But then our relatives also respect what we ask of them. If we had one that didn't listen he/she would probably not hear about it until after the fact.

[joannqn]

Don't call anyone you don't want to call. From what I've read of your MIL, there's no way I would call her until well after the baby was born. Her behavior necessitates that. If she wants to be included more often or earlier, then she needs to become the kind of person you would want included. If she wants to hold a grudge, that's her issue, not yours.

[Impish]

Tell her that the phones don't work well in the hospital. It's probably not a lie. Then just turn the ringer off.

Ppl can and do call hospital switchboard, which gets transferred up, and the staff does come and get you.

 

Its his mom, he's said no, so I'm fine with that.

 

He can deal with the hissy fit either way.

[goldberry]

Whatever the parents(the ones delivering the baby) want to do should be respected and handled with cheer and grace. Sometimes people need to realize it is not about them.

[Jennifer3141]

I always call my best friends and my parents when I'm in labor. I think DH did call his parents but he made it clear that they weren't welcome until AFTER the baby came.

 

My parents were there for the birth of DD and they were on childcare duty with DD for the birth of DS. I actually never saw my Dad run so fast as when the doctor yelled, "She's crowning!" It was like my Dad left those cartoon streaks in the air on his way out the door.

 

IMP, if I were you I would call my MIL when the baby is 2-ish. :D

[AuntieM]

You call whoever you want! Or NOT!!!!!

 

When she got her kids, she decided who to call. She's had her turn.

 

Now it's yours.

 

(Don't call her 'til you're good & ready for her to show up.)

[mandymom]

For me, I like my family to know what is going on. Facebook wasn't around when my kids were born, but I would probably be giving a play by play (as long as I could) on it if I were to have a baby now. That's just the way our family rolls.

 

It really just depends on your family though. I totally get not saying anything if everyone makes pests of themselves, and it is YOUR child's birth and YOU get to decide.