Do you tell your extended family about rough times with your kids?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not so much about diagnoses or personality quirks, but those times when a child is just fighting you on everything or is having meltdowns etc. I will share with one sister because she's a friend and she's "safe". I will not share with my parents because it will influence their views of the child for years to come, even after the child has long left that stage. What about you?

[Liz CA]

I would do exactly as you are doing. Share with "safe" family and friends and not when you have to worry that 20 years down the road they are going to tell everyone how much grief those kids gave their parents.

Not everyone needs to know everything...;)

[newbie]

I am just learning that it can all come back in your face. I had a big blowout w/my gran yesterday. Unfortunately she is being poisoned by my mother.

 

So, yes, any future convos w/family members will be about rainbows and puppies.

 

Whatever happened to family helping family out and understanding.

[J-rap]

I would only share with people who would HELP you with it, not HURT you (or your child) with it.

[Meriwether]

I tell my mom and sister everything. They are my sounding board when things are going wrong. I tell my brother some things but not as much. He doesn't have kids yet. I think he puts off having kids everytime he spends time with the 9 nieces and nephews. They are good kids. He loves them. But...

 

I tell one SIL some things. I do not tell my In-laws much. Dh is welcome to, but I don't want to have those conversations with them. They would hold it against me or the kids.

Edited April 14, 2011 by Meriwether

[wendylee]

No. My mother believes that everything I do is wrong, so why help her out in any way? :) I do confide in my godmother, though. She is a very good friend and loves the kids like they are her own.

[Ravin]

My mom, yes. She's a great sounding board for advice, having btdt with many problems, plus she takes DD for a visit every summer and I woildn't want to blindside her. My sisters are also supportive sort of people.

 

My dad, no way.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I discuss everything with my sister and with my parents. I have also talked about dd12's issues with my older sister-in-law because she has been there done that with one of her dc and I value her insight and trust her not to "gossip" about it to the younger sibling whom I don't share anything with. I don't discuss such issues with dh's parents because according to them my dc are angels sent from heaven and could never do anything wrong and shame on me for not understanding them. (Which is funny because they were extremely hard on their own dc.)

 

My sister and my parents are, aside from dh, my best friends and super supportive. They have always been great about helping me through tuff times and spend a lot of time with my dc so are willing to do what it takes to be on the same page regarding discipline\behavior issues. Many, many times I've called my mom or sister up and said, "Okay, plan x isn't working with dd anymore, help me think of some other plan." And they do. Never in a "you need to do this" way, but more in a "well, could you try this" way. They never let the issues I'm having with one of my dc cloud or influence the way they interact with that dc. They have their own relationship and dynamic with each of my dc. What I discuss with them about my dc never reaches my dc's ears from their mouths unless I have specifically asked one of them to talk to my dc about something. Love them!

[ChrissySC]

Only if it involved my duct taping the 4yo to her chair and gagging the 10yo ....

 

Seriously, I am afraid that I will embarass them. We all tend to have our days or moments.

 

I believe that I will let them live with the illusion that my kids are perfect.:lol:

[bettyandbob]

I don't share with family.

 

I feel bad sometimes. oldest ds is the only grandchild who liked my dad from the start. Out of 7 grandkids no one else has had any relationship with him. All grandkids live close by. But my dad would really never understand all the diagnoses, all the implications, and all the stuff we work around.

[Abbeygirlsouth]

I do share with a couple of my sisters if I think it will help in situations with their own children, but even then I share very little....they often seem to be treading water with their own problems so I just don't feel inclined to share much.

My MIL has made it very clear that she doesn't want to know anything that is negative about any of her grandchildren or our family....so illnesses, money issues, or any negativity are never to be mentioned.:glare: She likes rich and perfect.

My dear mom just likes perfection, so I never mention home schooling in general because.....well you know.:D

[Robin M]

My parents are completely supportive however John's is not. We don't discuss anything relating to James with them. They are all very dysfunctional and the unconditional love thing is missing in their genes. My FIL is of the mind that we are doing everything completely wrong so limit contact.

[G5052]

Family will not hold their tongues and frankly they don't see the day-to-day.

[Chris in VA]

Used to. This is the first time I haven't shared everything with them.

[myfunnybunch]

I share with my mother. She listens and loves my kids.

 

I do not share with one sister because she doesn't have children. Except about our struggles with my teen dsd, because my sis was a struggling teen dsd herself and often has insight without judgement.

 

I rarely share with my other sister because she parents the right way and her children are way better behaved than mine :tongue_smilie: and it is (of course) because I am not strict enough/Godly enough/you get the picture. I do share homeschool struggles with her because she homeschools/homeschooled eight children and often has insight and ideas, and she shares her struggles with me. This is where our differences in perspective and approaches are a real strength, because we often have something new to offer the other.

 

Sounds to me like you've got a good handle on how to approach things with your family.

 

Cat

[Mommy22alyns]

Not everyone needs to know everything...;)

 

 

:iagree: I sometimes vent to my mom because she adores the girls so much nothing could sway her view. Everyone else pretty much... mum.

[Murphy101]

No. Never.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't discuss such issues with dh's parents because according to them my dc are angels sent from heaven and could never do anything wrong and shame on me for not understanding them.

 

Yes! This describes my ILs too - at least my MIL, who is the most vocal of the two.

[Hedgehog]

Not really, no. We've had a few - shall we say, incidences - in the past which have made me very cautious about what I tell family members. I have a combination problem in my family of negativity and exaggeration; the results aren't pretty. Information tends to be limited to 1) any wonderful things the kids do or 2) anything amusing which is also innocuous. My thinking is.. why go looking for trouble?!

 

MIL, however, gets the real deal. She's non-judgemental, and can be trusted absolutely.

[kchara]

Nope. Never, ever again. I had said that once before, then my mom came begging to be let back in a few months ago. I shared the struggles we were having with DS, how bad I felt that I had to medicate him. All I got was an "Uh huh" while she was obviously busy doing something else. :( We won't be sharing again.

[MaMa2005]

No, nada, nope, never! Too much can come back to haunt you and your children.

[AuntieM]

I share only what puts my kids in a better light or provides a fair, reasonable, brief explanation for something that is noticeably wrong (ie, poor spelling habits that are the results of a vision issue for which a child is now being treated - but even that type of thing only to one or two in the extended family). Otherwise, no. I have an extraordinarily competitive extended family member who seems to keep her eyes open for reasons to make others think less of my kids as compared to hers. Best to avoid providing her any ammunition, kwim?

[Sparkle]

Only one SIL, occasionally. The rest tend to be big know-it-alls, who would blame everything on my parenting style, so no, I keep it to myself.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I used to believe that family was there to support you and to help you without judgment. My mom still touts that bit of wisdom loudly, while she gossips about what family member has disappointed them this time. . . Now when I visit them I wonder what they are saying once we've left. . .

[readinmom]

I only share the good and the bad with my mom...the only one who truly understands except for my close friend.

 

Honestly, I got tired of the one-upmanship at family gatherings. I realized that no matter what my kids did, it would never be as good or great as the other grandkids (according to in-laws). I think I lost the last shred of compassion when mil started praising how smart one of the older grandkids was, then preaching about how learning disabilities and ritalin/other meds were a joke. A slap in the face to my oldest, who has a learning disability and took meds (now off), and my husband, who is dyslexic. If they can't celebrate the good, why offer them fodder?

[BlessedMom]

No not really.

[JVA]

NEVER. My mother and sisters think everything I do is wacko....totally different views on almost everything. My dad loves them unconditionally.

The inlaws are know-it-alls and I learned a LONG time ago to keep things to myself/dh.

Sad. Wish we had more supportive family. Count your blessings.

[MamaT]

I share with my sisters and occasionally one SIL. They love my kids almost as much as I do and don't expect them to be perfect. There is no one else that I would share with, especially my mom (when she was alive) or my mil. My mom would make whatever it was my fault and telling my mil something is like sending out a newsletter to the surrounding counties.

[arghmatey]

No.

[Tap]

Only young childhood things. I don't discuss my kids quirks, issues, or bad days after they are about kindergarten level.

[Leighton Academy]

I have a couple of besties that I share pretty much everything with. I don't really talk parenting with my family. None of them parent the way we do so discussing things with them doesn't occur to me. Besides once I hash it all out with my friends, I don't really feel the need to talk about it anymore.

[Rosie_0801]

I share enough with my inlaws to give the illusion that I really am sharing, but only when they ask questions, which is hardly ever, thankfully. They have this weird idea that I should treat them like best friends when they treat me like an enemy. It's very odd.

 

I don't give a whole lot of info to most of my rellies either. Most of them don't care enough to ask, which is good, because if they did, they'd get the same treatment I give my inlaws because anything I say is proof of my being a terrible person. I don't have to hide anything from my brother and if my mother asks what the kids are up to and I tell her I want to hit them over the head with a brick, she just laughs because she used to threaten to hit us over the head with bricks. :lol: All she wants to have to say is "that's great" and "they'll get to it in their own time," so I tell her things she can say that about. :)

 

Rosie

[Parrothead]

No. Extended family only hears about the good stuff.

[JenneinCA]

No.

 

And that sometimes makes writing a blog with daily updates difficult. Those are the days the entry is about the weather. Really.

Edited April 15, 2011 by JenneinAZ
forgot a word

[rafiki]

.

[TheApprentice]

Yeah, it's definitely on a "need to know basis" who I share my business.

[T'smom]

Wow. I'm so sorry that so many people have such difficult relationships with their families. I can't even imagine worrying that anything I said about my kids would affect a relative's view of my kids. I certainly can't imagine thinking anything bad about any of my nieces or nephews or anything. I do have a teenage cousin that I think is slightly rude.....but that's just from my own interactions and I only see him a couple times a year. I can say that I probably only spent about 5 min. thinking about it. I really hope that no one edits what they tell me because they think I'll judge them. Although, I guess I do make it a point to not mention things that my kids do that are really ahead of their cousins that are the same age. I know that my sis worries when her ds is not doing the same things as my dd. But she does have legit concerns that he's behind and I just don't want her to worry any more than she already does. I tell my mom e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. My nephew that has some problems- he's still a baby so we don't really know the extent of them- but it just makes me love him even more.

[LibraryLover]

My mom and dad, yes. My MIL, yes! My sisters and brother, yes.

 

There are others who might hold it against me, but none of the above.

[zaichiki]

Not so much about diagnoses or personality quirks, but those times when a child is just fighting you on everything or is having meltdowns etc. I will share with one sister because she's a friend and she's "safe". I will not share with my parents because it will influence their views of the child for years to come, even after the child has long left that stage. What about you?

 

Only my dad. He's our "safe" family member. :001_smile:

[Peela]

No, I don't share much because I live so far away and when I do share I want it to be generally positive.

 

But I dont "lean" on my extended family much for support at all so I wouldn't vent many problems to them in general.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I did when my children were younger and the 'big' things were about things like throwing fits when a loose tooth needed to be pulled or when DS pulled the fire alarm at the YMCA and we had to sit there and have a chat with the fire chief.

 

Now that they are older I rarely share anything negative. I am afraid it will carry over into how our families will view them as adults.

 

It makes me sad sometimes that I don't have anyone to share the troubles with. There are times I could really use some advice and I have nowhere to go.

[jeri]

It only got worse after we adopted one (older) child, then two more. So, I only tell her good things, never difficult things. Also, we try to keep everything on an even keel.

 

jeri

mom to six

[woolybear]

I think I am a slow learner.....:001_smile: I do tell some family members. My mom has always been someone I share with, but when it comes to problems with the kids it is better not to tell her too much. I seem to have a hard time remembering this or controlling my urge to share. It is getting a little easier to remember though, because her usual response in the last couple of years has been "well......you ARE together a lot." Meaning, because you homeschool you are having this problem. :glare::glare::glare::glare::glare: Grr........my mantra is now to hold my own counsel. Or share here???:)

[woolybear]

No.

 

And that sometimes makes writing a blog with daily updates difficult. Those are the days the entry is about the weather. Really.

:iagree: Yes, this has been one of my quandaries with blogging. I want to put it all there sometimes, because I find it helpful to read about other's hs struggles and how they work it out. However, I know my parents are some of my only readers, so I want to present it all in a positive light. Not to mention it's a good perspective for me too (focusing on the positive).

[lionfamily1999]

Not so much about diagnoses or personality quirks, but those times when a child is just fighting you on everything or is having meltdowns etc. I will share with one sister because she's a friend and she's "safe". I will not share with my parents because it will influence their views of the child for years to come, even after the child has long left that stage. What about you?

My mother still sees me as I was at 15. She still complains about older ds biting and breaking things (that stopped almost seven years ago). Dd is still too emotional (that stopped three years ago). Youngest ds is still too high strung (it's been awhile). I know EXACTLY what you mean.

 

I talk to my gramma. Some things I discuss with my sister, but there are some things I'm not comfortable discussing, because she's still tentative over hsing and I don't want her getting a bad impression. I don't talk to my mom about anything. I listen to her, but I don't instigate a topic or conversation. It's okay, she likes it that way.