Who was rude? Ds or Hostess? Or Both?

[Ginevra]

We went to a family dinner last night (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). My son (11) was one of the first people in line to load his dinner plate. He took 3 slices of meat, the main course. The family member hosting the party scolded him loudly and took a piece of meat away from him, citing that he doesn't need so much and that he can have seconds once everyone has gotten theirs. Her loud admonishment of my boy really rubbed me the wrong way, but she may also have a point as far as the etiquette of filling a dinner plate when there are many others eating as well. I will say, though, when I host a meal it has never, ever occurred to me to monitor the amount of food guests choose to take, even if they are children. :glare: I mean, I don't even think I would notice how much each person took, let alone it would never occur to me to take food away from a guest because it was a bigger portion that I had counted on.

 

So...do you have etiquette rules with your children on serving themselves at a buffet? Was it rude of my son to take a largish portion of meat on the first go? Was the aunt rude to make a deal about it?

 

P.S. One final thing: DS eats all of his food. It wasn't a matter of piling a plate high and then throwing a bunch of it away.

[SonshineLearner]

My opinion is that you don't embarrass guests. FOR SHAME! Your son will/might be embarrassed long after that 3rd piece of meat doesn't matter. (And who said 3 is greedy, but not 2?? what's the rule??)

 

Adults should remember that it's hard to be 11 and you don't need to be a not to them. Seriously, as an adult, I think I might offer my whole plate to the hostess and kinda... just say "I'll eat later, no problem.." and maybe leave.... That's just rude.

[unsinkable]

We went to a family dinner last night (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). My son (11) was one of the first people in line to load his dinner plate. He took 3 slices of meat, the main course. The family member hosting the party scolded him loudly and took a piece of meat away from him, citing that he doesn't need so much and that he can have seconds once everyone has gotten theirs. Her loud admonishment of my boy really rubbed me the wrong way, but she may also have a point as far as the etiquette of filling a dinner plate when there are many others eating as well. I will say, though, when I host a meal it has never, ever occurred to me to monitor the amount of food guests choose to take, even if they are children. :glare: I mean, I don't even think I would notice how much each person took, let alone it would never occur to me to take food away from a guest because it was a bigger portion that I had counted on.

 

So...do you have etiquette rules with your children on serving themselves at a buffet? Was it rude of my son to take a largish portion of meat on the first go? Was the aunt rude to make a deal about it?

 

P.S. One final thing: DS eats all of his food. It wasn't a matter of piling a plate high and then throwing a bunch of it away.

 

Your son is a child and might not be aware the unwritten rules of buffets. I don't think he did anything wrong, esp. since he is not someone who will take food and not eat it.

 

Your aunt could have subtly whispered to him, "Dear, I want to make sure all the people behind you get meat. Let's just put a slice back and I'll be sure to get you when it's time for seconds."

 

She overreacted.

 

JMO

Edited March 28, 2011 by unsinkable
cuz I'm and I are 2 different words

[Chris in VA]

Both were rude, but she gets the call-out, because a good hostess NEVER treats her guests in a humiliating way!

Maybe she was secretly worried that she was serving skimpy amts of food--sounds like a fear reaction on her part.

[kchara]

I'm like you, it probably wouldn't have even occurred to me to even notice. I'd say it was very strange, the way she acted. I always make a point to over cook when I'm hosting a dinner like that, just in case. I guess I'd just coach my kids next time to not quite fill their plates so high at Auntie's house, but then let it go.

[abbeyej]

She was rude. He was thoughtless (as children typically are).

 

It wouldn't necessarily have been rude for her to step in and say confidentially, "Hey, kiddo, typically it's better just to take a modest quantity the first time through, then come back for seconds after everybody's had a go..."

 

Clearly that's not what she did. Sigh. And it's really unfortunate that she embarrassed your poor boy. :( I'm sorry.

 

I can only think that she was worried about having enough already and started to panic that if all the children took such a large serving right off the bat, she'd run out before half the adults walked through the line? Perhaps hosting such things stresses her out?

 

Unless there was a history of this woman behaving like that (in which case, I'd quietly let my child know that), I'd tell my kid, "I think she was overwhelmed with the task of hosting the dinner, and she spoke more sharply than she meant to. Generally, it *is* more polite to take a small amount and come back for seconds once everyone has been served, but she was wrong to snap at you and embarrass you. I think we need to try to be understanding about how hard the event was for her though. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

[Miss Peregrine]

I always talk to my kids before they serve themselves because I have a lot of kids and I know people are thinking about how much just my family alone is going to consume. :glare:

 

I tell them to take a "normal" amount until everyone had been served. I have a couple of kids who will eat large amounts of meat and will eat every bite.

 

I think your aunt was rude, though.

[Mommy22alyns]

Your aunt could have subtly whispered to him, "Dear, I'm want to make sure all the people behind you get meat. Let's just put a slice back and I'll be sure to get you when it's time for seconds."

 

 

 

That's exactly what she should have done.

[Nakia]

That would have ticked me off, but I always take my girls' side. ;) Seriously though, was she afraid she would run out of food or something? Do you think more people showed up than she planned for and she was nervous? What kind of meat was it? I think it is entirely reasonable for an 11 year old boy (or my 10 year old girl, lol) to eat 3 slices of ham, turkey, roast beef, etc. Either way I wouldn't like it if someone called my child out on how much food they put on their plate unless it was blatantly obvious they could never eat that much or the kid wasted food consistently.

[ocelotmom]

I think it's much more rude for a grown adult to humiliate someone, especially in front of other people, than it is for a child to take perhaps more than their fair share of food. If the amount he took is actually likely to mean that other guests won't get their share, there are kinder ways to address it.

 

I refuse to take my children back to a certain person's house after a similar experience.

[kalanamak]

Hostess=rude

Son=11

[Anne in CA]

Reading this I nearly choked. I do not think your ds did a thing wrong and I think your aunt was over the top. I hope you spoke to your son and made sure he was aware that he is not the one who should be embarassed in this situation. A host should be gracious.

 

As some one who has worked in catering I will say that she may have paid as much as $5 a slice for that meat and was worried about the cost. I wish people wouldn't throw parties they can't afford, but that is another post. I have catered parties where guests took way too much food and the last people in line got nothing while the first people in line threw away piles of food they never touched from their plates. It does happen that there is not enough food for people to waste some. But the way your son was treated was not acceptable. I am sorry.

[Unicorn.]

She was extremely rude, and your son did nothing wrong. If she were worried about there being enough for everyone, then she should have announced it to everyone beforehand to only take 2 pieces of meat.

[gingersmom]

Hostess=rude

Son=11

 

:iagree:

 

 

I have never thought that I needed to warn my kids about taking a tiny portion of food or risk irking the host who will accuse them of taking to much food.

 

I don't think your son did anything wrong.

[Ginevra]

I can only think that she was worried about having enough already and started to panic that if all the children took such a large serving right off the bat, she'd run out before half the adults walked through the line? Perhaps hosting such things stresses her out?

 

I think it was this. There were a few adults who hadn't given a definite YES rsvp (actually, that was rude of them, but I digress) and, though she did have enough food, she didn't have great heaping tons of it. I think she freaked and was already emotional that a couple of unaccounted-for people came.

 

Hostess=rude

Son=11

:lol::lol::lol: I love concision!

[tammyw]

Unfortunately she probably would NEVER have done this to another adult. She felt it was okay to act that way just because your son is 11. He did NOTHING wrong, IMO. She was exceptionally rude. Also, if you are inviting a bunch of people over for dinner, then you MUST plan enough food so that you're not worried about running out.

 

I'd rather not eat myself than take food off someone's plate. Wow. She is the one who should have been embarrassed, not your son. Unfortunately, he'll probably be the one that carries the shame for a while, and possibly even have it come up every time he sees this woman (that's my personality anyway, hopefully not his).

[Joy at Home]

Hostess=rude

Son=11

 

 

:iagree:

[love2read]

I can feel your pain over this situation, it's so easy for these things to blow up into a family feud. I haven't read the other replies because I wanted to respond without being influenced. Our children know to wait until the adults serve themselves. That's how it was when I was a child and I think it's still polite, especially since children can be greedy. Mothers with young children who can't serve themselves (under 5) usually go through the line first to get the whiners out of everyone's hair. She shouldn't have scolded your son so loud, but it may be that this has been going on for awhile unnoticed by you and she was bursting with irritation. There is a family in our homeschool group whose children always line up first at pot lucks and take more than their share. It drives everyone crazy, but no one wants to upset the mother. I can imagine that someday soon one of the moms will just snap at the children and order them to the back of the line. I think the error was on your part and that of the hostess.

Edited March 27, 2011 by love2read

[BeckyFL]

She was rude. He's a kid! That sums it up for me.

[Miss Sherry]

Some people seem to feel at liberty to be rude to young guests. I think the hostess was rude.

 

Once when we were eating at a restaurant with my children and my brothers family and children, my Mom, the grandma of all of our children, was making an issue about my son and his cousin eating a basket full of chips. It was so rude how she made an obnoxious facial expression in disapproval and scolded them. I said to her "That's what the chips are there for. Would you like me to ask the waiter to bring a basket of chips just for you ?" She did this another time at a restaurant with my kids and I had the same kind of response for her. The thing is, this weird behavior about food pretty much demonstrates how selfish and stingy she has been towards all of her grandchildren and reminds me of my childhood with her. Her behavior is not tolerable. I won't sit back and silently let her treat my children that way. They have rarely even seen her. For the most part, she generally turns down any invitations to be with any of us. When she is with us,she is not very nice to me or my kids. Some people should just be kept away from your kids for the most part.

Edited March 27, 2011 by Miss Sherry

[kewb]

Honestly, they were both rude but the Aunt gets the award.

 

At 11, your son should know better then to take a generous amount of food at a buffet when there are many mouths to feed. However, even if he does know better he is still a kid who was hungry and thoughtless as can be expected from an 11 year old. I have had numerous manners lessons with my kids about not taking all the food because there might not be anymore and it has to feed everyone. Sometimes, they forget and I find it quite humiliating.

 

The Aunt, an adult and the hostess, should certainly know that proper etiquette tells us that when someone displays poor manners it is an even bigger offense to point it out. As hostess, one of her duties is to make sure all of her guests are comfortable and not humiliated. Most likely her response came from a place of concern for feeding everyone but she handled it very poorly.

Edited March 27, 2011 by kewb

[Homemama2]

Hostess=rude

Son=11

 

 

:iagree: Exactly! I think 3 slices of meat is a perfectly reasonable amount for a boy that age to eat. She should have shown more grace and should have planned enough food for the amount of people invited.

[Jen500]

 

So...do you have etiquette rules with your children on serving themselves at a buffet? Yes-take a reasonable amount (1 serving) of a few items, and then they can go back for more after everyone has had a plateWas it rude of my son to take a largish portion of meat on the first go? Yes, but if it was my son I'd use it as a teaching opportunity and not to make him feel bad! Was the aunt rude to make a deal about it? Yes

 

 

.

[mryann]

At one of my kid's birthday party, my nephew loaded up his plate with ham. He ate it all before the rest of the adults had gotten food and went back for more ham. After his second serving was eaten, he went back for more. At that point, Gpa admonished him. (I was nursing and not aware of what was going on.) I did in fact run out of ham but pulled out other foods to stretch my buffet so it wasn't a big deal.

 

I felt that I learned a valuable lesson - 11 year old boys eat a lot more than I thought and that Boarshead ham is really good! At that point, I taught my own children to not take too much when we are at someone's home and that if they were still hungry, we would get something on the way home. I wouldn't worry about who had the bad manners and just take it as a learning lesson. :)

[Remudamom]

Both were rude. I tell my kids to always remember there are people behind them that want food, take a modest amount and if they are still hungry they can go back for seconds or eat at home. I've been at tons of church dinners where the kids go first, pile up their plates and that's about it. It amazes me that parents don't say something beforehand.

[Rebecca VA]

Well, I'm not going to say that the aunt behaved beautifully or anything, but I do feel some sympathy for her. You said there were aunts, uncles, cousins there. How many people were at this meal? Did anyone help her prepare it? Did you bring a dish or two to help make the food stretch farther?

 

I get exhausted beyond belief when I have dinner guests. I love having people over, but it's physically exhausting for me. By the time the guests arrive I'm almost in tears. And these are small dinner parties...plus, I don't have to worry (much) about the cleanliness of the house or the cost of the food.

 

It's possible your aunt (how old is she? 50? 60?) had pushed herself beyond her limit and what you heard was stress talking. I doubt she intended to snap at your son. Try to remember how much she slaved to make a meal for you and all the other guests, how hard she worked to get the house ready and buy the food, and how good the food was, instead of that *one* incident.

[Sue G in PA]

She was rude. He was 11. Nuff said. :D

[8circles]

Honestly, they were both rude but the Aunt gets the award.

 

At 11, your son should know better then to take a generous amount of food at a buffet when there are many mouths to feed. However, even if he does know better he is still a kid who was hungry and thoughtless as can be expected from an 11 year old. I have had numerous manners lessons with my kids about not taking all the food because there might not be anymore and it has to feed everyone. Sometimes, they forget and I find it quite humiliating.

 

The Aunt, an adult and the hostess, should certainly know that proper etiquette tells us that when someone displays poor manners it is an even bigger offense to point it out. As hostess, one of her duties is to make sure all of her guests are comfortable and not humiliated. Most likely her response came from a place of concern for feeding everyone but she handled it very poorly.

 

:iagree:Both rude but Aunt should know better & be mature enough to act better.

[amey311]

Our children know to wait until the adults serve themselves. That's how it was when I was a child and I think it's still polite, especially since children can be greedy. Mothers with young children who can't serve themselves (under 5) usually go through the line first to get the whiners out of everyone's hair.

 

Conversely, I was raised that the children and the infirm get fed first, and the adults wait. At some point the children merge into the adults (usually around teenage), but it was always that the children are fed first, with some adult supervision. My boys (7&10) are capable of serving themselves, but we usually send an adult around with them to help with portion control and selection guidelines (aka "save some room for salad - you need to eat a bit more variety").

 

I think in my family the assumption was that the kids "need" to eat (for everyone's sanity) and the adults could manage with smaller portions than might be typical if need be - that they could always top up at home.

[myfunnybunch]

The hostess was absolutely rude. There is no excuse for treating a guest like that, no matter what the age.

 

At a buffet dinner, typically guests take one serving of each item then go back for seconds after everyone has been served. That makes sure food is not wasted (though I know this is not an issue for your ds) and that all the guests have an opportunity to try everything. I would not expect an 11 y.o. to automatically know this. Any good hostess would have let it go or, if she really felt the need to point it out, said something politely and discreetly.

 

Poor guy. Embarrassing a guest is terribly terribly rude.

 

Cat

[Happy]

Of course she was rude. lol I totally get that HE didn't think he was taking too much. The guy probably thought he was taking a modest amount.

 

I learned with my teen guys to let the adults go first. Once I forgot and let the high school basketball guys go first...the rest of us had salad. :D

[Gooblink]

She was rude. He was 11. Nuff said. :D

 

:iagree:

[yellowperch]

My son is 11 and loves a feast. He's skinny guy and eats all day long and twice at meal times.

 

I know now that I will prepare him with a little chat about manners in a buffet line if we are invited to an event that features one. I think it would be a good idea to remind him that there will be others behind him and that he's welcome to go through the line a second time after everyone has had a chance to go through. I wouldn't have thought about this before this thread but it makes sense. We have only been at a handful of weddings and events where this is an issue, and never since his new-found love of food. I'm sure he would do just as OP son has done. But now that I think of it 3 pieces of meat just isn't excessive at all. Hmm. So maybe scratch my comment.

 

The aunt was obnoxious but I would let it go. Obnoxious aunts are to be forgiven and loved because if we don't who will?

[Happy]

The aunt was obnoxious but I would let it go. Obnoxious aunts are to be forgiven and loved because if we don't who will?

 

I needed to read this--inserting whoevery I'm ticked at in place of aunts. lol Thanks!

[Ellie]

Well, the hostess was off, but I'd feel less inclined to be offended since you said this was a *family* event, and I'm assuming she was a family member. I tend to give family members more leeway as far as things like correcting the dc. In my family, all the adults feel free to correct all the children, and all the children expect it.

 

If I had been there, I would probably not have allowed one of my dc to be first in line, but that's just me, I guess.

[dangermom]

Yes, the aunt was very rude, but it sounds like she was also stressed out. She should not have embarrassed a guest.

 

Yes, your son was thoughtless, and needs to remember to take a modest amount the first time at buffets.

 

I can't tell you how many potlucks I've been to where the kids (esp. boys) run up and take tons of food, leaving pickings for everyone else. I understand that they're hungry, but everyone needs a turn first.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

To be honest-both were rude.

 

Your son may have taken too much on a 1st pass but since he is a kid he may not be aware of how to serve himself with regards to a buffet line. Note to parent to review said topic.

 

Aunt is the greater offender as many have pointed out. You don't embarrass a guest in such a fashion.

 

I'd let it drop and review etiquette with the kids for future events.

[JennyD]

Unfortunately she probably would NEVER have done this to another adult. She felt it was okay to act that way just because your son is 11. He did NOTHING wrong, IMO. She was exceptionally rude. Also, if you are inviting a bunch of people over for dinner, then you MUST plan enough food so that you're not worried about running out.

 

 

:iagree:

[kdeno]

but remind my son to use moderation on the first round of a buffet. My children are huge eaters so I can relate.

 

 

When I am hostessing I like to have a ton of food and am pleased to see people horking out. :drool5:

 

I try to overlook others shortcomings, sometimes unsuccessfully.

 

Kari

[Ginevra]

I know now that I will prepare him with a little chat about manners in a buffet line if we are invited to an event that features one. I think it would be a good idea to remind him that there will be others behind him and that he's welcome to go through the line a second time after everyone has had a chance to go through. I wouldn't have thought about this before this thread but it makes sense.

 

This is what I'm planning to do going forward. I never saw an issue with this before, but perhaps I'm relaxed about these dinners by now and haven't thought about it.

 

To answer some various questions, we do these dinners every month. They are not catered. We rotate which family holds the dinner and we celebrate the birthdays of that month. Typically, the host makes all of the food, though it is also fine for the host to request pot-luck. In this case, the aunt made all the food. It was meatloaf. There were 4 possible meatloaves, though she was intending to use one later, so, in her mind, there were 3. There were about 20 teens and adults with 8 younger children/babies.

 

Perhaps I have just become very comfortable about the dinners and haven't concerned myself enough with how my kids were serving themselves. I was just the host myself in February and it never entered my mind to concern myself with who took what amount of food. I could not tell you who had what and how much. I aim to have plenty for everyone and it would not enter my mind to monitor what everyone took.

[LidiyaDawn]

He took 3 slices of meat, the main course.

 

How is it that this is automatically "too much" ?

 

I don't think I'd have assumed that (unless the pieces were some kind of HUGE thing) so I certainly wouldn't expect a hungry 11 year old boy to assume it...

 

I don't know, maybe my ability to gauge meat is off - I'm a vegetarian, neither child eats a lot of meat... the only person I have to really go by is dh, and he loves his steaks and roasts and such. :p

 

I still don't think it was very nice of the aunt to jump on him for it (would she have done that to good ol' Grandpa Sam if he took 3?) and it's actually kind gross that she took the meat FROM his plate and put it BACK into the serving dish.

[Melinda in VT]

So...do you have etiquette rules with your children on serving themselves at a buffet?

 

Yes, they aren't allowed to go first if they are serving themselves. We are *trying* to teach them to consider the number of people present and figure out if the food would run out if everyone took the portion size they are dishing up. They have to ask us before they go back up for seconds, so we can do a reality check on whether everyone has had firsts.

 

Was it rude of my son to take a largish portion of meat on the first go?

Was there enough meat for everyone present to have three slices? If so, then no, he wasn't rude. If so not, then yes, he was, but I agree that he probably didn't intend to be rude.

 

Was the aunt rude to make a deal about it?

I think at a family party, adults are permitted to admonish children if the parents don't. I do think the way in which she did it was rude, but I agree that grace should be extended due to the stress of hosting.

[Pretty in Pink]

It's hard to judge whether your ds was over-indulging at this point. At our family gatherings, my FIL slices the turkey and ham fairly thin, so that three slices isn't really a huge amount at all (especially for a young man). Regardless, it doesn't sound as if your ds meant any harm, and he is at an age where maybe he is not to be expected to know all the INs and OUTs of ettiquette yet. There were certainly more tactful ways for Aunt to have handled the situation.

 

OTOH, I wouldn't be offended in this situation. It does seem like she was probably stressed out about the amount of food. I'd just let it slide and have a talk with ds about portion control at buffets, if he was indeed taking too much.

[jujsky]

Both were rude, but she gets the call-out, because a good hostess NEVER treats her guests in a humiliating way!

Maybe she was secretly worried that she was serving skimpy amts of food--sounds like a fear reaction on her part.

 

:iagree: She may also be used to kids NOT eating all their food. Your DS is unusual in that regard when it comes to a buffet-style meal. He probably should have taken a smaller amount, but it sounds like he also didn't realize what he was doing was rude. The hostess shouldn't have been so loud and obnoxious about it. She probably embarrassed your son. She could have handled it by saying quietly, "Sweetie, I don't believe you can eat all that. Let's put a piece of that back and you can come up for seconds if you're still hungry." She shouldn't have rude to your child.

[Danestress]

I do think that children need to be taught to take small portions at a buffet and to make sure there is enough for everyone. Honestly, I hate how it seems like children are always encouraged to go through first. I realize this may be easier for parents, who want to assist their children and then only fill a plate after. But I think that in general, I prefer my boys to be taught that they should let ladies/elders/very small children go through the line FIRST. But since no one else seems to do this, I feel like I am swimming upstream.

 

I tend to think that children fall into two age groups (1) Those who needs Mom's help to get through a line and (2) those who are old enough to know that good manners dictate taking smallish portions when there are a lot of people are you aren't sure how far the food will go. But neither group of children should be chastised in front of others like your son was. That's just not right. Your aunt probably should have let it go. She could have the sort of overseen the rest of the children as they went through or assigned someone else to do so. It's no big deal for one child to take an extra large portion. It might be a real problem for her, though, if six did.

[Pretty in Pink]

There were 4 possible meatloaves, though she was intending to use one later, so, in her mind, there were 3. There were about 20 teens and adults with 8 younger children/babies.

 

It is rude to put food out and then make it known that this food is basically just for looking. I don't understand that part. :confused:

 

A 2 lb. meatloaf just barely serves my family of 6 at this point. It doesn't sound like she served nearly enough meatloaf, given the amount of people present (and especially if she were expecting nobody to touch the fourth tray of meat).

[TravelingChris]

I don't even think there would have been enough for three slices if she did serve the fourth meatloaf. That seems like a small amount for 28 people.

[Lilymax]

I'd have been mortified if a relative spoke to my child and embarrassed him like that. But...I'd also scold my son (IN PRIVATE) because he's heard the "before buffets" lecture pretty much his whole life: just take a little the first time through and know you can go back for seconds after everyone else has gotten some.

 

It's a pet peeve of mine when I see how many kids have no clue about buffet etiquette. By 11, they should know this stuff.

 

And I'd probably tell him to apologize to the aunt after the fact, for two reasons: one, it acknowledges that he could've been a little more conservative in how much food he took, and two; it gives the aunt a chance to apologize in return (or feel like a fool because the kid apologized first, which really, should be her place, IMO, because she's the one who lost her cool and is the grown-up.)

 

Hopefully he won't carry around lingering embarrassment, but will instead remember to take a little less the next time he's eating buffet-style.

[Jennifer3141]

I would have loudly scolded that family member back for speaking to my child so disrespectfully and then walked my entire family out of there. She was a jerk!!!

[Carrie12345]

I coach my 12yo before every similar event. Granted, there's Asperger's at play, but he's also a 12yo boy!

I do think "middles" (not littles) should wait to the end, but that doesn't seem to be the way my extended family operates, so it is what it is.

 

Yes, your aunt was extremely rude. But I will say that my 12yo wouldn't get away with taking 3 slices of meatloaf from my own dinner table before the rest of the family could get to it. ;)