Family Using Shaming Tactics to Dissaude Me from Home Schooling

[VeritasLogos]

Hi All,

 

I hope every is having a great Christmas or great holiday season in general if you do not celebrate Christmas.

 

I just had a bitter text exchange with my anti-home schooling brother.

 

In addition to saying my wife and I are not qualified to teach our own children, he bombarded me with the "home schooled children do not receive proper socialization" canard.

 

The exchange took a really nasty turn when he said my wife and I should "join a cult" because our kids will be "social retards."

 

At that point, I told my brother to get lost but with harsher phrasing. Not a very pleasant exchange given the season, but that's how it went.

 

My mother, father, sister, brother, in-laws, extended family, wife's immediate family and wife's extended family are all vehemently opposed to home schooling. In one way or another, they have all been trying to shame my wife and I into not home schooling by suggesting we are not doing what is in the best interests of our kids.

 

So what is the best way to deal with this?

 

Any suggestions from you home schooling vets?

 

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

 

None of them have any interest in educating themselves on the arguments in favor of homeschooling but instead just repeat the standard anti-home schooling bromides every time we discuss the subject.

[pqr]

Hi All,

 

I

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

 

.

 

This is sometimes the best way especially against the intransigents.

[BethInNH]

"I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again." This-

 

Seriously, I would just let them know in no uncertain terms, thaat your children are your children, and you know what's best for them. They can raise their own kids however they wish, but they need to accept that you will make your own decisions regarding your childrens education.

 

Also, they may just come around once they have seen that you haven't in fact, turned them into illiterate little side-show freaks by educating them yourself:D

They may just be reacting to the unknown right now- people are scared of things they know nothing about.

Edited December 25, 2010 by BethInNH

[Joanne]

Here:

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

[elizabeth]

How hurtful . I am sorry. Of course you are entitled to handle this any way you deem proper. No one can injure us as deeply as those who purport to be doing so for our own good or the good of the children.

[Plucky]

Stop talking to them about homeschooling. If they are going to continue to give you a hard time then I suggest taking a break until they understand that topic is off limits. It's likely in time that they will change their mind, but it may take years. My mom was anti-homeschooling and now is very impressed with it. It took years though. There will always be people out there that don't get it or are anti-hs. As long as you feel you are doing right by your kids that is all that matters. :)

[Ellie]

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

Yeah, that sounds good to me. And kudos to you for making the decision instead of making your poor wife do it.

 

Although you might want to leave out the "*** ":D

 

Joanne's Bean Dip usually works well, which is probably the more civilized way of doing it and less likely to cause your family to drop you altogether.

[jenL]

As others suggested, I would stop talking to them about homeschooling. If that does not work, and they continue to try to shame you, you may have to set up some strong boundaries and tell them where they can go.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Ignorance is maddening when it is constantly knocking on your door.

[Sophia]

Hi All,

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

 

 

This worked for dh when his brothers wouldn't let it go.:D

[FO4UR]

Bean Dip is a good first response..."***" will work in a pinch.:D

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

Love your siggie btw.

[Alicia64]

My heart sincerely goes out to you.

 

On the flip side, my parents are extremely hostile to homeschooling, but don't say a word. Just let the cold freeze slip in more often than not.

 

Sometimes I wish they would say something so that I could respond. Instead I get snotty looks and -- essentially -- rolled eyes. That kind of thing. And never wanting to see . . . anything at all that we're doing with lessons.

 

I guess they employ a very passive-aggressive stance to the subject.

 

Ugh. I think at the very core of it all, nobody loves my kids like I do. So dh and I are the ones who make the decisions on these boys' lives.

 

Hang in there.

 

Alley

[lionfamily1999]

Bean Dip is a good first response..."***" will work in a pinch.:D

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

Love your siggie btw.

:iagree:

Either change the subject or tell them where they can put their opinions.

[Nicole M]

Social retards? Had he been drinking? What sober person dishes out that kind of crap?

 

What I would do is say something like, "Text messaging is not an appropriate mode of communication about this subject, and even if it were, I would not have this discussion with you." Then I would end the exchange with something rude, most likely, about blocking his number.

[StephanieZ]

1) Bean Dip

 

Or, if you are really mad & just want to be mean

 

2) Change the subject to something they are defensive about. . .

- if they are overweight, talk up your new exercise regime & how good it would be for them. . .

- if they are unread, talk up a nice literary classic you are reading & how good it would be for them. . .

- if their kids are fat, talk up a fat camp for kids

- if their kids are slow, talk up a "make your kid smarter" DVD set

- if they are broke, talk up Dave Ramsey

- if they are overspenders, talk up Dave Ramsey

- if they are fast food junkies, talk up Fast Food Nation

etc. etc etc.

 

Now, of course, if you really want to see these folks again, you probably want to stick with option #1. However, meditating silently on Option #2 might give you enough satisfaction to maintain the non-defensive mentality needed for #1 to really work very well.

 

Most of us were very excited about hs'ing when we first began. . . and so wanted to talk about it with everyone. . .

 

Sadly, at the outset, many friends/family are often not supportive. . . despite the fact that it is such an exciting time for you & so you really want to talk about it!

 

Later, when you are in a groove and not insanely excited to talk about it all the time. . . your circle of people will come to not only accept but appreciate your hs'ing journey. As your children thrive, they will come to approve. . . but this takes a couple years for outsiders to see & understand. Give it time. Meanwhile, come here or come to other hs'ers to talk about it. Avoid the topic with nay-sayers.

[colleenebeans]

How awful! My heart goes out to you guys. My family was very opposed to me homeschooling but I stood my ground and they are coming around.

 

Dont tolerate it. When it comes up again, just explain that this is the choice you have made and if they ever have any questions and would like to discuss homeschooling like adults then you will be happy to answer any questions. Until then, dont talk about it. Tell them "unless you want to contribute to my kids "lack of socialization" by not being involved in their lives from this point forward, I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself." :001_smile:

 

If they continue, I would stop seeing them as much. I know they are family, and hopefully they would come around but your kids are your kids and only you know what is best for them.

 

Keep your head up. :grouphug:

[mcconnellboys]

Learn to pass the bean dip, LOL. There are some things that should remain off limits to discussion if everyone knows that there is disagreement about them. I would tell them that in order to maintain the family relationship, they must agree to disagree and keep quiet about the subject. Otherwise, they risk alienating your family, in which case you will distance yourselves from them. Do they really wish to lose this relationship over the issue of where you choose to send your children to school?

 

What would be your other options in the NO area now, any way? I lived in Baton Rouge for many, many years and there was really only one decent choice of private school there, in my opinion. Some of the Catholic schools were okay, but the public schools were abysmal....

[Peela]

I agree with the Bean Dip. if that is enough. If not, your approach sounds good. Some people just need the thick boot up the a*se approach because nothing else works.

In particular....I know as a wife and mother it means a LOT to me that my dh would stand up to anyone and everyone to defend our decision to homeschool (he is so proud of it he still tells people we homeschool even though we just stopped :) ) SO if it helps your wife at all I really suggest doing whatever is necessary to protect her from having to deal with your family at least over the issue. Be the lion.

And I know that in our case, for many reasons to do with wanting to live our own values and rear our kids our own way, we have distanced ourselves from certain people, especially family. We just didnt want their input and werent prepared to compromise ourselves by socialising very much with them- including grandparents. By doing our own thing, they realised that if they wanted to have a relationship with us or the kids, they had to bite their tongues and just accept us and meet us in a civil way. We were always prepared to go it alone, and we mostly have.

Dont engage. Its a form of defence that invites attack. All our families are very proud now of our kids. Your family will see in the long run that their fears and judgements are unfounded...and they probably are well meaning in a twisted way- but it may take years and you have to build a fortress to protect what you are doing without having to justify it to others.

[RegGuheert]

Welcome to the forum!

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this issue. I think nearly everyone here deals with it, but to varying degrees.

 

Just a few thoughts on this from another homeschooling dad:

 

- Please understand that the response from your family stems from two main issues: ignorance of both homeschooling and what really goes on in public schools and the feeling that you have condemned their schooling choice by choosing such a radically different approach than they have chosen.

 

- I agree with Peela that it is your job to prevent your wife from having to face these criticisms, particularly if it is coming from your side of the family. No doubt it will hurt her, too, but it is important for her to see you defending her.

 

- When it comes to dealing with my immediate family, I am not into bean dip or avoiding the subject. My family knows full well that if they want to attack my choices they had better be fully prepared to defend their own! I'm not mean, but I am direct. I would start by telling them that I am not condemning their choices for their own children just because I made different ones, but rather I have made choices that I feel work for my own family. That said, if they insist on attacking my choices, please be prepared to hear my views on their own.

 

- Don't expect them to change their minds about homeschooling. Ever. My FIL has been anti-homeschooling and anti-Christian since day one. Regardless of the fact that DS20 and DD18 have a 3.9 and a 4.0 in difficult areas in college and are pleasant, mature individuals that function well in society, he persists. But he knows that if he sits at my dinner table and criticizes his daughter or his grandchildren or me he will immediately get a full dose of reality from me. Interestingly there is no need for me to tell him to avoid the topic. It seems to happen automatically! :D

 

I wish you the best in dealing with a difficult situation. Unfortunately, regardless of what tack you choose, your family's choices will be painful for you and your wife to deal with. It's too bad that even after homeschooling has proven itself for so many years that this form of ignorance persists.

[Mimm]

Sometimes, if a person is passionately against something (such as homeschooling) no amount of proof or arguments will dissuade them. You just have to show them, ten years from now, when your child is happy, well adjusted, able to carry on a conversation, reading books ahead of her grade level, involved in sports, etc. Even then, some people will look at any little thing your child does wrong and assume it must be because she homeschools (because of course, their own public schooled children have NO faults). :glare: Some people won't be convinced till your child graduates law school or something. You just have to not care. You're not homeschooling for family approval, you're homeschooling for the sake of your own child.

 

I do have to say, I'm so thankful for my own family. I'm the oldest and my husband is the oldest sibling, and the other grandkids on both sides are younger than mine, so siblings don't really say much to us about our parenting. Actually, I'm trying to think of anything except my brothers jokingly telling me in front of my kids that I should "beat them more". :p My parents obviously think homeschooling is normal (I was homeschooled) and my inlaws are supportive and believe in letting us do our own thing.

[MaMa2005]

Yeah, that sounds good to me. And kudos to you for making the decision instead of making your poor wife do it.

 

Although you might want to leave out the "*** ":D

 

Joanne's Bean Dip usually works well, which is probably the more civilized way of doing it and less likely to cause your family to drop you altogether.

 

:iagree: And yes, the bean dip goes well at any occasion. :D

[Pam Wilhelm]

I'll tell you what...........

 

Your "Social Retards" and my "sucking of the teat of America" children can hang out together anyday! LOL

 

Stand your ground.....and tell them all to kiss your a**! I had a brother and his family attack me on Facebook about a year or so ago.... I haven't talked to him and have no intention of ever doing so again. He was drunk and so was his family and they ripped me up one side and down the other for ruining my children and creating social misfits. I don't need people like that in my life...

 

no one does.

[Tammyla]

:iagree:

 

Yeah, that sounds good to me. And kudos to you for making the decision instead of making your poor wife do it.

 

Although you might want to leave out the "*** ":D

 

 

.

 

Set some boundaries and stick to them, and don't feel ashamed.

[kwickimom]

Anyone that opposes any part of my parenting is not allowed to talk about it to me. I explained that if they bring it up EVER, especially around my children they will not be allowed around us. You can have your opinion and you can talk about me all you want at your own home, but you will not do it in front of me. Chances are I dont agree with every aspect of how they are raising their kids, but I dont have the time to care so much.

 

What I do with my children is my choice as long as they are safe and happy and everything is legal. I would tell them to zip it or stay away. We felt immediate relief and peace when we cut out the people that dont support us. My mom does not agree with HS'ing but she supports us and even buys us supplies and games. She has made a few comments without realizing it and apologized. Thats the kind of people I keep around. The rest can go get a life of their own and worry about themselves and not me.

 

I CANNOT stand people that pass judgement and continually say things in front of people. NO ONE is perfect and it doesnt concern them. GET A LIFE

[In the Rain]

I'm just speechless. I can't imagine family being so hateful (although I certainly believe you). They've crossed so many boundaries. :glare:

[Ohdanigirl]

I agree with previous posters, just let them know that you will raise your children as you see fit. Period. End of conversation.

 

....and :grouphug: to you and your wife.

 

Danielle

[OnTheBrink]

Social retards? Had he been drinking? What sober person dishes out that kind of crap?

 

What I would do is say something like, "Text messaging is not an appropriate mode of communication about this subject, and even if it were, I would not have this discussion with you." Then I would end the exchange with something rude, most likely, about blocking his number.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Make it clear that home schooling is NOT open for discussion, let alone debate. Period. If they don't get that, nix communication until they do.

[phathui5]

It sounds like they may not know much about homeschooling.

[Mosaicmind]

Since I found this http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/001/bitter_homeschooler.html I don't need to say anything at all. I am a Christian but this article says what I would like to say very succinctly.

[jujsky]

If they're that hostile towards the idea, refuse to discuss it with them. Period. Tell them the topic is off the table.

[JVA]

I haven't read all the other suggestions but these are the basics I would implore you to consider- take from someone who's been at this for almost 24 years and have heard it all-

 

1. DON'T talk about hs to them. Anything you say just gives them ammuntion to fire back at you.

 

2.Offer to inform them - our families couldn't be bothered.

 

3. Make it a forbidden discussion topic. Remind them that you don't go around criticizing them about their choices (right?)

 

3. If the dis-respect keeps up, cut contact. Sorry. Remind them that you're not doing things to please them but what's best for your kids.

 

Sorry you're having to go through this......especially at Christmas. Bummer.

 

ETA: You're a champ for protecting your wife.

Edited December 25, 2010 by JVA

[laundrycrisis]

I would tell them this type of communication is out of line; that by being hostile about it, they are crossing a boundary it is not appropriate for them to cross in attempting to boss you around about how you raise your children...it may not have occurred to them how inappropriate this is. Also that if they want to continue to have contact with you, they must let this go and never bring it up again. Let them know you love them and would like to behave toward each other as loving family members should behave...but that you will not accept contact from them that is unloving...and that the ball is in their court to decide how they will proceed, but continuing contact in such a hurtful manner is not an option that is on the table.

[Scarlett]

In addition to saying my wife and I are not qualified to teach our own children, he bombarded me with the "home schooled children do not receive proper socialization" canard.

 

The exchange took a really nasty turn when he said my wife and I should "join a cult" because our kids will be "social retards."

 

Wow. So his argument is that your children should go to school and be 'socialized' so they can learn to treat family like he is treating you?

 

Yeah. He is unknowingly making your more sure of your choice to hs.

[hillfarm]

It is extremely hard when the harshest criticism comes from the very people we most hope will support us. The wounds go particularly deep when they hint at subjects that are a bit of a concern for us (like socialization and educational choices). None of us wants to raise our kids to be social misfits or academic dullards. And to be completely honest, I think most of us homeschooling parents occasionally examine these issues in our own private thoughts.

 

I vote on the side of setting boundaries. For the future, if any one in your family brings up homeschooling in a critical manner, my response to them would be, "My children, my decision. The matter is not open for comment. Now let's talk about something else." If they were unable to refrain from further comment then I would load up the kids and leave, block their number, or whatever it took to make it clear that you would not engage in discussing your educational or parenting choices with them.

 

And to allay any tiny, niggling fears you might have, we have an only child to homeschool - the worst socialization situation possible:tongue_smilie:- and I frequently receive comments from other adults about how great her social skills are. She is bright academically and gets along fine with hs, ps and not-yet-in-school or way-past-school people. Homeschooling is not as much a cause of poor socialization as poorly socialized role models are! (And IMO, folks who attack the choices of others in such a manner certainly demonstrate poor social interaction!)

 

Sadly, some people just seem to feel that it is their place to spout off any nonsense that pops into their heads. Although my first response would be to thump them a good one, if my logical mind can get there first, I generally prefer to respond with a very calm, canned statement and then be prepared to do whatever it takes to protect my family from them. And though it is tempting to try to reason with, argue with, or even ridicule them, the bottom line is that it is futile trying to communicate with an idiot. You have to show them where the line is, clarify the consequences of crossing the line, and perhaps some day they will see that you were right all along.

[tricia]

Been there done that. We have 12 kids and have always homeschooled. It was bad enough we had so many kids but to homeschool them too!! Well that certainly gave our families something to yack about. Never mind though, we pushed forward with the vision we had for our family and stood our ground. It is our children not theirs. This is also our choice. Was our choice and not once did we allow them to sway us. We didn't debate it with them. Period. It was not a debate, it was a fact so we just let them have their day with each other on the subject. After some time they realized it wasn't an issue to be discussed and it kind of dies. NOW, now that we have 5 graduated our homeschool, gone or going to college with great results we are getting another story out of them. Now we hear what a wonderful choice we made, they turned out great, la, la, la. Whatever!

 

I say stand your ground, hold firm to your decision. If you stay silent long enough and continue moving forward they should figure it out.:auto:

 

Good luck and Happy Holidays. :001_smile:

[kristavws]

I haven't read all the replies, and apologize if I am just repeating someone else's post. I would let the family know that you have chosen to homeschool YOUR children, because you believe that is what is in their best interest. The topic is now closed for discussion, and you will no longer reply to their comments.

 

Honestly, if they continued to harass you about it, I would tell them to mind their own business, but that is just me ;)

 

Krista

[kalanamak]

 

1. DON'T talk about hs to them. Anything you say just gives them ammuntion to fire back at you.

 

2.Offer to inform them - our families couldn't be bothered.

 

3. Make it a forbidden discussion topic. Remind them that you don't go around criticizing them about their choices (right?)

 

3. If the dis-respect keeps up, cut contact. Sorry. Remind them that you're not doing things to please them but what's best for your kids.

 

 

:iagree: Don't take the bait, delete that textmessage, smile and carry on. My mother, oh so often, would say "rise above it". Here is a :grouphug: and some balloons.

[Tullia]

I haven't read the other replies, but here's my two cents...or maybe worth less than that :D. Since you're dealing with family, it's probably not feasible for you to cut off contact entirely. It is entirely appropriate for you to set boundaries. Something along the lines of an apology if, after cooling off a bit, you think your might have worded any part of your reaction too sharply. You're the best judge of how to handle that aspect --or whether you are likely to feel a need for future contact. However, I'd definitely suggest you go on to say something like "this is a subject on which we cannot agree, therefore we will not discuss it it future". Period. No exceptions. Then be ready to walk away, hang up, log off, get your coats and leave; do whatever is appropriate to the situation if there's a repeat.

 

IME, people who act like this will almost certainly come back and try to start up another round. Just.don't.play.the.game. One thing you want to guard against is "driving a nail for this person to hang his hat on". The less he knows about your educational path/ daily life the less credibility he will have if he decides to share his complaints with other family members. Children will be children, but you can be sure that every time yours step out of line it will be because they are homeschooled. That's how it went when ds took longer than usual to get his driver's license. Nevermind that he's now a competent driver and commutes while a family member who is several years older and was publicly educated still has no license. With some people you can't win--so cultivate relationships with people who are more sympathetic when you can.

 

For people who exhibit the level of vitriol you've described, I would cut off contact totally. If that's not possible I'd be polite when necessary, but limit interactions and remove myself from the situation at the very first hint of unpleasantness.

 

There are situations when "passing the bean dip" isn't enough. At least your opponents are out in the open. I found out after the fact that a lot of my family thought ds would be a total failure because of hs :glare:. They've had to eat their words and are at least honest enough to admit it. Some people are just too insecure to even think rationally on the subject.

Edited December 25, 2010 by Martha in NM
typo

[GinaPagnato]

This is so tough, especially in the beginning of your home schooling journey when you really just want to make sure you're doing right by your kids. Being questioned at every turn is fatiguing.

 

I have a mother and a brother who are public school teachers. You can imagine how they responded when I told them we were planning to hs. At first, I sought to convince them, sent them links to interesting articles, titles of books, cited studies to show them how well hs kids do in college and life in general. All that did was to give them the impression that I was looking for a debate and wanted input from a "devil's advocate". I didn't, by the way. :tongue_smilie:

 

I finally told them the basic and most important reason that we made this educational choice: our faith compelled us. Now, I'm not sure if that's where you're coming from, and it certainly doesn't have to be the only reason you hs. Goodness knows, there are many, many reasons we hs, but our faith and belief that God has directed this choice is the principal foundational reason. That actually shut them up. None of them are Christians, but they've seen our lives, and how we strive to live out what we say we believe, so they really had no argument with us on that front. It was just one more kooky choice we had made due to our "religious beliefs".

 

Now that we've been hsing for some time, they're seeing the result in our kids. They're personable, well-adjusted, have friends, doing well academically, and excelling in various extra-curriculars. How can you really argue with a pretty decent end-result, right?

 

So, you may want to go that route (faith-based decision), but if the family remains hostile, a straight forward, "We've made the decision that we feel is best for our kids, now please don't bring this up anymore as it's not open for discussion," may work.

 

Best of luck, I know it's tough.

[Anne in CA]

I think this crosses so many boundries that I would not consider this person reasonable anymore. As usual, the least socialized people are the most worried about this issue.

 

One very funny thing is that in the suburb of Portland where I live there are four high schools. I can't remember the last time that a former home school student wasn't the student body president of at least one of them. What ever. Some times you have to consider that a person's opinion just isn't worth getting worked up over. At all. Telling them off gives them more credibility than they deserve.

[NanceXToo]

I'm sorry. That's a shame!

 

I think what I would do is this:

 

I would send out an email to everyone in the family. It would say something like:

 

Hello Family,

 

I know that some of you have some concerns over our decision to homeschool our children. Because I know that you have their best interests at heart, I wanted to take a few minutes to try to alleviate those concerns.

 

One of the issues that tends to come up in regard to homeschooling is qualification. Sometimes non-homeschoolers cannot understand what "qualifies" a parent to teach their child at home.

 

The fact is, we have been teaching our children since the day they were born. It is only natural to us to want to continue doing so. With younger children, it is easiest- we don't need to be able to remember every single thing WE learned in elementary school- all we really need to do is stay a step ahead of them as we go about teaching them what they need to know. We are capable of teaching them, staying a step ahead of them, and in some cases, learning with them. We are capable of helping them follow their interests, of following legal requirements for homeschooling in our state, of selecting a curriculum that will suit their learning style, etc (and you would probably be surprised by the many, many choices out there).

 

We feel that by teaching them at home, they will receive one on one instruction, which is impossible at school, lesson plans suited to the way they learn best as individuals, which is impossible at school, and they will be taught by people who have their very best interests at heart and who see them as more than just a standardized test score.

 

As they get older, we will continue teaching them and learning with them. Our goal is not just to teach them what to learn, but to teach them HOW to learn. And if it gets too tough and we feel we need outside help, there are instructional DVD's, tutors, classes, co-ops and so on. We have no doubt that one way or another, our children will learn what they need to learn in order to get them through life and in order to achieve their personal goals, whatever those end up being.

 

I understand that some of you are also worried about "socialization." The truth is, there is not much "socialization" going on in elementary school. Kids are shut away all day long with twenty-something other kids their exact age and one adult, their teacher. They aren't out in the real world meeting a bigger variety of people, they are in a much more artificial environment than that. And while they are in that environment, there isn't much socializing going on. There are "silent lunches" in school these days. Very short recesses. Kids get in trouble for talking in the classroom. And in the later years- middle school and so on- well the "socialization" there is downright scary and not what we want for our children.

 

As homeschoolers, we will have more time to take our children on various errands and outings, field trips, to extra-curricular activities, etc. There are homeschool groups, co-op classes, and all sorts of things our children can be involved in. They will also continue to see family and friends outside of school hours. They will not be recluses inside the house never seeing another human face. They will be fine!

 

If you have other specific concerns or questions you would like answered, please feel free to let us know what those are and we will do our best to address them in order to help you understand our decision and/or to feel better about our decision, as we have tried to do here.

 

You might also want to check out these reading materials, for more information.

 

(INSERT BOOKS OR ARTICLES YOU MIGHT WANT TO DIRECT THEIR ATTENTION TO HERE)

 

With all of that said, we need you all to know that our decision IS made, and even if you still do not agree with it, we are asking you all to respect it. This means we do not want repeated negative comments or judgments made to us or to or in front of our children. This means we do not want you to continue throwing negative, anti-homeschooling stereotypes at us- we've already heard them all, we've already researched them all, and we have already made our choice- a choice we are very happy and comfortable with.

 

If you don't have anything nice to say, we would prefer that you not say anything at all. You will not change our minds, and we have no interest in having repeated arguments about our lifestyle. In the interests of maintaining a good relationship with all of you, again, we ask you to show respect for our decision even if it is not one you would make yourself.

 

signed,

so and so.

[WTMCassandra]

I'm sorry, but I've seen this approach backfire. Bigtime. For seriously boundary-challenged people (like these people sound), I think this will be like blood in the water: An invitation to attack. I think a big, hairy, public, exhausting battle will ensue, with the focus on the OP being wrong and bad.

 

I think a simple, firm boundary statement along the lines of "This is not open for discussion" is more appropriate to the situation and will be more effective.

[Sahamamama]

He said my wife and I should "join a cult" because our kids will be "social retards." He was rude. At that point, I told my brother to get lost but with harsher phrasing. :iagree:

 

My mother, father, sister, brother, in-laws, extended family, wife's immediate family and wife's extended family are all vehemently opposed to home schooling. In one way or another, they have all been trying to shame my wife and I into not home schooling by suggesting we are not doing what is in the best interests of our kids.

 

You are in a tough situation, as far as your extended family is concerned. But if you believe that homeschooling is best for your children, if you and your wife are in agreement, then what else is there to say, really? Your children are your responsibility, they are entrusted to you, not the grandparents, aunts, uncles, or in-laws.

 

So what is the best way to deal with this?

 

When my husband and I first brought up homeschooling with our extended families, we were at least blessed in that HIS parents were immediately in favor of it. Thank God for my husband's cousin! She has been doing a phenomenal job of homeschooling her children, and has made such a positive impression on my in-laws. However, MY mother was at first a bit resistant... not exactly hostile, but not supportive, either. We heard a lot of, "Well.... I don't know.... you might be happy to send them off to a real school.... you'll have to see how much work it is to really teach them consistently.... well, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to do this for a few years."

 

And so on.

 

I would love to report that all this has turned around, but it's too early in the game to say. Our oldest daughter just completed Kindergarten! ;) But we didn't get much resistance to keeping her home for First Grade! :lol: After all, "she's still so young, and it's a long day in school for those little kids."

 

My mother would never admit it for all the tea in China, but she has enjoyed our homeschooling routine this year -- it means she hasn't "lost" another little buddy to the grueling grind of a school schedule. My mom has also been impressed with how we've done our work, had plenty of time to play and let the children be children, and we've kept everyone healthy, well-fed, and well-rested. ROFL. With grandmothers, it all counts.

 

Seriously, though, you are in a different boat, it seems.

 

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

 

I'm leaning towards this for you, too, minus the ****. :lol:

None of them have any interest in educating themselves on the arguments in favor of homeschooling but instead just repeat the standard anti-home schooling bromides every time we discuss the subject.

 

So, what you're basically saying is that DISCUSSION -- you know, the mature, rational kind -- is not going to bear any fruit with your extended family?

 

That's your answer, then. Honestly, if the tree doesn't bear fruit, cut it down and cast it into the fire. IOW, there is NO discussion on this topic, EVER, unless and until they are ready and willing (truly) to hear you, not simply attack you.

 

FWIW, even with the more mild objections of my mother, there have been times, now that I think about it, when we absolutely had to nip that contentious spirit in the bud. One thing that I think did help defuse my mother's defensiveness about our "differentness" was when I told her, "Our decision to homeschool our children is not in any way a commentary on our parents' parenting of us; rather, it is an obedience to what we believe is God's leading of us as the parents of our children."

 

And that, in my mom's case, brought an end to most of the more manipulative comments, the ones where she was truly trying to talk us out of homeschooling.

 

We do, though, still get the occasional clueless (you might say "traditional") mindset towards school. For example, my mother knows that we homeschool year-round (have been since preschool-homeschool). She knows that we've been going January through December, with our own breaks. She has a copy of OUR school calendar, so she knows our "on" weeks and our "off" weeks.

 

BUT... in September, she gave me the calendar for the local public school. I asked, "Why do I need this?" She said, "Oh, I thought you might like to have the school calendar, so you could line up your year with how the schools do things. You know, so your kids can have a break now and then, poor things." :lol::lol::lol: Apparently, I'm pushing the happy Kindergartner to exhaustion! :nopity:Hilarious.

 

I replied, "Mom, the schools have nothing to do with us. We HOME school. This is like giving me the owner's manual for a Ford when I bought a Toyota. Irrelevant. Besides, I already gave you our school's calendar, remember?" She shrugged... mumbled something about trying to be helpful... and I tossed the calendar in the trash.

 

Patrol the perimeter. Boundaries. HTH.

[Joanne]

There are situations when "passing the bean dip" isn't enough. At least your opponents are out in the open. I found out after the fact that a lot of my family thought ds would be a total failure because of hs :glare:. They've had to eat their words and are at least honest enough to admit it. Some people are just too insecure to even think rationally on the subject.

 

Have you actually read the Bean Dip response? It is not about changing the subject. It's about 1) prudent and select disclosure and 2) progressively firm boundaries as needed.

[Sahamamama]

Here:

 

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

 

Good. I see that Joanne has linked her article on bean dip, LOL.

 

I was going to add this to my post, but she beat me to it.

 

This was one of the pieces of advice from veterans that really helped me a few years ago, especially the "need to know" part of answering the inquisitors.

 

"Yup. Got that covered. Want some bean dip?" Highly recommended. :D

[ConnieB]

Hi All,

 

I hope every is having a great Christmas or great holiday season in general if you do not celebrate Christmas.

 

I just had a bitter text exchange with my anti-home schooling brother.

 

In addition to saying my wife and I are not qualified to teach our own children, he bombarded me with the "home schooled children do not receive proper socialization" canard.

 

The exchange took a really nasty turn when he said my wife and I should "join a cult" because our kids will be "social retards."

 

At that point, I told my brother to get lost but with harsher phrasing. Not a very pleasant exchange given the season, but that's how it went.

 

My mother, father, sister, brother, in-laws, extended family, wife's immediate family and wife's extended family are all vehemently opposed to home schooling. In one way or another, they have all been trying to shame my wife and I into not home schooling by suggesting we are not doing what is in the best interests of our kids.

 

So what is the best way to deal with this?

 

Any suggestions from you home schooling vets?

 

I'm leaning toward warning every **** one of them not to bring up this subject in the future ever again.

 

None of them have any interest in educating themselves on the arguments in favor of homeschooling but instead just repeat the standard anti-home schooling bromides every time we discuss the subject.

 

If they have no interest in educating themselves there is very little you will probably be able to say or do to change their closed minds. Rather ironic, because I feel that homeschooling my children has OPENED their minds to so much that I had to re-learn after my public school indoctrination.

 

For many families who have relatives such as yours "the proof is in the pudding" is often the only "defense". Raise your children to be open minded, well educated, socially adept and then sit back and watch THEM change the minds of their relatives.

 

In the meantime you may need to either nod politely and change the subject (something this Hive here calls "pass the bean dip") while your children's home education rises to the point where the relatives can see for themselves that you must be doing something right!

 

Since you and your kids will need plenty of encouragement and support that you aren't likely to get from relatives, I suggest that you explore many of the support groups/park day groups that are in your area and make friends with other homeschoolers.

 

May 2011 bring you much joy and happiness in your journey.

[DawnM]

DH's family is very resistant, but pretty much anything our *weird* family does to them is wacky.

 

My response to MIL ALL THE TIME, "Well, this is what we have decided to do."

 

She responds with things like, "Oh, yeah, well, let me tell you, your kids are going to turn out like the X family I knew who homeschooled. They all failed out of college."

 

My response, "Well, this is what we have decided to do.

 

She goes on to tell me that she has heard of yet another homeschooling family who failed because of x, y, or z.

 

My response, "Well, this is what we have decided to do.

 

She goes on AGAIN about how well her other grandchildren are doing IN school and it would be so much better.......

 

Again, my response is, "well, this is what we have decided to do."

 

After about the 3rd time she rolls her eyes and backs down.

 

This is the SAME scenario every single blessed time.....but by the 3rd or 4th calm (and same) response by me, she will just give up.

 

I know she still thinks the same as she did. I know she gossips about us all the time. I don't care.....just keep it away from me!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dawn

[Tullia]

Have you actually read the Bean Dip response? It is not about changing the subject. It's about 1) prudent and select disclosure and 2) progressively firm boundaries as needed.

 

Joanne, I owe you an apology. I deleted part of my post which, had you had an opportunity to read it, would have made it more clear that I felt the situation described in the OP calls for a more pro-active approach. Selective disclosure and boundaries are excellent strategies for many situations; given the venom expressed by the family that might not be enough--but I decided that a public message was not the way to go. I should have revised what remained after omitting those thoughts. I have, indeed, read and even archived your bean dip thread; it is and deserves to be a WTM classic.

 

Martha

Edited January 1, 2011 by Martha in NM
typos

[justamouse]

looks like you got some great advice--I hope everything works out well for you.

[Mommyfaithe]

Social retards? Had he been drinking? What sober person dishes out that kind of crap?

 

What I would do is say something like, "Text messaging is not an appropriate mode of communication about this subject, and even if it were, I would not have this discussion with you." Then I would end the exchange with something rude, most likely, about blocking his number.

 

Our pastor said that to us IN FRONT OF MY KIDS! His kids were a wreck, but mine were going to be social retards....Hmmmmmm...the kid he was talking about graduated summa cum laude #7 in her class...his son works part time at Staples and can't keep a job or a girlfriend....hmmmmmm......

 

LOL...we changed churches. (After same pastor offered to pay for dh's vasectomy because we were multiplying too quickly to be fruitful. :glare::confused::001_huh:)

 

My advice...pass the bean dip, don't discuss or defend. The kids are your kids. Their job is to love them and enjoy them...it is your job to raise them.

 

Blessings,

Faithe

 

Faithe

[EKS]

I'm sorry your family is being unsupportive (to say the least). My parents (both educators) were very against homeschooling when we first started as well. After a few years they saw what a great thing it was for the grandkid and are now enthusiastically supportive.