Engaged on Christmas Eve = ripped off?

[lionfamily1999]

My engagement and wedding rings are in the shop getting repaired and I told dh that all I want for Christmas is to have them back. :D. I've worn them for 11 years (minus my deployments) and miss them. My wedding band and honeymoon were 'all' I received for Christmas our first year together since we met and married in the same year. My hand feels weird.

 

On another note... I remember seeing one of my coworker's engagement rings when I was in the military and was struck by how proud she was of her tiny stone in a simple gold setting. It made such an impression on me because it was so clear that her ring was a symbol of her Dh's love and the size of it didn't matter.

That's what is getting to me. This isn't just a ring, it's not just a gift... This is a promise for a lifetime together. He is offering HIMSELF... for life! Show me the tangible object that is worth as much or more than that?!? Show me one that's worth even HALF of that.

 

I understand that gifts can be a love language, but c'mon he's offering HIMSELF as a gift. If that doesn't count, then I don't know what does.

[Tree House Academy]

Wow...and I thought *I* could be petty. She sounds like a real pill!

 

My birthday is in August...and do you know what I ask for? Nothing. I ask that people don't celebrate it. I am 31 years old and I don't need gifts. I am in a place in life where I buy something if I want it (within reason price wise) and I don't need people to get me *things*. This last birthday, I had friends over for cake. That was the best birthday I could ask for! A birthday surrounded by friends and family, laughter and love.

 

It sounds to me like your friend is very materialistic and selfish. Perhaps, as she grows up, she will start to value things that are not so material in nature!

Edited December 15, 2010 by Tree House Academy

[KarenNC]

:iagree: Or even a "free" heirloom ring (I was given my dad's mother's - and my mother's - engagement ring, dh didn't pay a thing for it.... unless you count being saddled with me for life :p).

 

Agreed. It's not like the guy proposed and handed her a card from the dollar store (and, frankly, I wouldn't have cared if mine had done that).

 

I have to wonder how old this woman was when this incident occurred, if her entire family was spending the majority of Christmas Day celebrating her birthday. Sounds an awful lot like someone still in their teens (though I would hope my daughter has more sense than this even in her teens).

[Joy at Home]

Almost twenty years ago I confided my suspicions to a co-worker that dh would propose to me on my birthday. Her reaction? "Oh, you're getting jipped".:confused: She was also the one to tell me to make sure the ring was worth one month's salary, as that was the "norm":001_huh: Maybe for some, but my little engagement ring with a speck of a diamond was worth more than anything to me.

 

I guess that mentality is out there, though.

 

Lisa

[Gratia271]

(though I would hope my daughter has more sense than this even in her teens).

 

:iagree:

[catz]

My first thought on that is that it's really petty and materialistic. I sincerely hope that my daughter doesn't grow up to think like that.

 

:iagree:

 

Unfortunately, I know people who think this way though. My own brother proposed after Christmas so my SIL wouldn't be disappointed with not getting a "real" gift.

[KarenNC]

What if it went down like this: She gets the ring and is all excited. It's how she's been raised (have a big celebration on important days.) Later in the day, it turns out that her fiance was going to propose on New Years, but instead he admits (from his own lips), that he didn't want to get her other presents, so he decided to propose on Christmas/her Birthday. He said so himself.

 

Getting a ring is easy. Trying to figure out her interests and finding a gift is hard. He did take the easy way out. It's like he just "threw money at the problem." "I don't know my girlfriend enough to figure out what to give her, so I'll just get her the ring and propose on Christmas/birthday instead of New Years. Problem solved!"

 

In my opinion, this time it was the thought that counted. It wasn't about getting a THING. It was the fact that he thought about it and decided NOT to get her anything else and considered himself lucky to have gotten out of having to get her a gift. He weasled his way into not getting her a gift by changing the day he was going to propose.

 

I think this has nothing to do with her wanting gifts. I think this has to do with the man making a point of saying that he was glad to have gotten out of buying her a gift. That was a mean thing for him to say. Yes, he got the ring. But I still think he meant it when he said he was glad he didn't have to come up with a gift idea for her.

 

I didn't read it at all that way. Here's what we were given:

"What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?"

 

Doesn't say that he said he changed his mind to avoid getting her another gift. Didn't say he said he was glad he didn't have to get her another gift. Doesn't sound like "the easy way out" at all to me. I also can't imagine that getting a ring for someone like this is indeed "the easy way out." Heaven forbid it not be exactly the right size, style, etc or in the wrong kind of packaging lest she lose more respect for him.

 

I can't imagine that being tied for life to someone like this was "the easy way out" for this poor schmuck.

Edited December 15, 2010 by KarenNC

[Veritaserum]

I'm thinking along the lines of some of the posters who've talked about how maybe he is cheap and she "lost her respect" after the fact (with hindsight.)

 

She was obviously raised to believe that gift-giving days are very important, as the entire family makes a point to celebrate Christmas in the a.m. and also give her a special day in the p.m. Some families do not celebrate birthdays, but hers thought it was so important to celebrate that they were willing to give up their own Christmas for her.

 

What if it went down like this: She gets the ring and is all excited. It's how she's been raised (have a big celebration on important days.) Later in the day, it turns out that her fiance was going to propose on New Years, but instead he admits (from his own lips), that he didn't want to get her other presents, so he decided to propose on Christmas/her Birthday. He said so himself.

 

Getting a ring is easy. Trying to figure out her interests and finding a gift is hard. He did take the easy way out. It's like he just "threw money at the problem." "I don't know my girlfriend enough to figure out what to give her, so I'll just get her the ring and propose on Christmas/birthday instead of New Years. Problem solved!"

 

In my opinion, this time it was the thought that counted. It wasn't about getting a THING. It was the fact that he thought about it and decided NOT to get her anything else and considered himself lucky to have gotten out of having to get her a gift. He weasled his way into not getting her a gift by changing the day he was going to propose.

 

I think this has nothing to do with her wanting gifts. I think this has to do with the man making a point of saying that he was glad to have gotten out of buying her a gift. That was a mean thing for him to say. Yes, he got the ring. But I still think he meant it when he said he was glad he didn't have to come up with a gift idea for her.

 

I agree, perhaps because I grew up with a mom whose love language is gifts and a dad who refuses to give (or receive) gifts. Gifts aren't important to me. I'd much prefer gifts that are meaningful acts of service. For my mom, though, it felt like my dad didn't really love her. She didn't even want expensive gifts. Flowers or some other small token, given with love and smiles, would have been enough. My dad has a fault of not valuing what is important to other people and this is particularly hurtful when it comes to my mom's birthday or Christmas. Even though I could take or leave gifts, I make the effort to get my mom nice gifts on her birthday and Christmas.

[Supertechmom]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

we were posting at the same time! Something like this was running through my mind. And WOW! How incredible they celebrate her birthday on Christmas. The few people I know who have actual Christmas bdays never have it celebrated then. I have 2 Dec kiddos and they always get shortchanged. Their birthday gifts are substantially less than the other kid's birthday gifts. And the christmas gift is never more than the others. So my summer babies will get from Granny an outfit, a MAJOR toy - over $50.00, and then some cheezy junk they couldn't pass by because it was so cute. Then a really nice Christmas gift. The Dec babies get a small toy of some kind ($20.00 and less), maybe a set gloves or shirt - never the entire outfit- and a comment about Your birthday is so close to Christmas. (Like they can do anything about it!) Granny and other relatives have even told the Dec babies they will have to get used to no one celebrating their birthday. THey can get a present for it on Thanksgiving or Christmas but the holidays are too busy to fit in a birthday too. After a while it takes a toll on the kiddos no matter how many ways to Sunday you spin it. ( it's the thought that counts ...)

 

So if She's a Christmas baby, it sounds like her parents may have tried real hard to counter such attitudes as my kids get. It's probably been said more than once in her life "here this is for both Christmas and your birthday". Maybe the family celebration came about from one too many hurt birthdays. (Granny gave me a Tv for my birthday and Granny gave you a combo birthday/christmas scarf set...Siblings can be brutal!) And many times it does come across as "your not important enough to celebrate both" I think it's incredible they set aside some of CHristmas day to remember her birthday.

 

The joke from the boyfriend probably is what did him in. If He had skipped that and just said This was the best thing I could think of for your Christmas and Birthday. OR He may all these years have always combined her birthday and Christmas with a single gift that doesn't equal both (least you think I'm highly shallow if you are used to people in your family receiving and gifting certain levels of gifts then you have an expectation of what you may be getting and you know the difference. For example giving one child a $50 Lego set and the Dec bday child a $15 lego set - well they know the difference and after awhile it just hurts - I mean how many ways can you explain Granny does love you just as much as the others when she won't even see you on your birthday but makes a point to tell how much trouble she goes through to see the others on their birthday???)

 

FOR the record, she should get over it and be tickled that he did that. At some point you just have to realize this is the way it is and put on the big girl panties. OUr Dec kiddos have been told this and we are trying to help them develop a good attitude about people glossing over their birthday. But for right now, they still feel that people love them less because they get less. I can only imagine how much worse an actual Christmas bday must feel. And I'm sure it does take some working through it. I know mine at different ages have felt it worse than other ages.

[elegantlion]

My sister is this way...

 

My dh and I were married the week of Valentines. It wasn't on purpose, as our wedding was spontaneous and planned in a few days. We had been together for 3.5 years, we just finally decided to get married.

 

My sister was very upset at me, insisting that I had ruined a gift giving holiday and would now forever be stuck with a combo Valentines/Anniversary celebration/gift. :confused: :lol:

 

I guess she has a serious 'gift love language'. This same sister is very superficial. She will have things that look nice on the outside, but are cheap/poor quality on the inside. I think the two personality traits are related...at least in her. It is all about appearances and not the sentiment or thought behind the gift. She likes quantity not quality.

 

Gifts are not my 'love language' so I don't understand this mentality....but I guess her husband has figured it out, as they have been together almost 30 years.

 

Gifts is my love language, but if that's really your love language it's not about the material value of the gift, it's the act of giving. Geez, I thought Valentine's Day was about love anyway. :confused:

 

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

Nope. I can't imagine the fear the boy young man felt in asking in front of all the family. What is she said no? Unless he was a true cad and proposing to women left and right I'd write it off to nervousness. He's asking her to spend the rest of their lives together, to have someone at every birthday and Christmas. Sorry, that's pretty sweet. I think her eyes were focused on the wrong gift.

 

My proposal came without a ring. I had previously been married and won my old rings in the divorce, since I had paid for them. So we traded in the old set and walked out with a nice solitaire and matching bands. :lol: We upgraded our bands a few years later. 18 years later, I'm still wearing the same solitaire.

[Word Nerd]

I'd say she is spoiled. Not only was that a very special gift, and an expensive one too, but he was committing to her for life. She will have years of Christmases and Christmas gifts with him in the future. And I can't imagine basing my respect for a man on how many gifts he gives me. Note- I would never have the courage or the gall to say something like that to someone's face.

 

:iagree:

[specialmama]

Thank you all for helping me sort this out in my own mind!

I can't even remember what I've included in this discussion and what I have not; I've deleted so many times for fear of saying too much. :lol:

 

Here are some things to consider:

she is not the sharpest crayon in the box, a few fries short of a happy meal if you get what I'm saying. She is known for having "Dori" moments, just saying really ditzy things. But she is a genuine sweetheart and really is not at all materialistic. In fact, HE is the one who is always chasing rainbows, always getting the latest and greatest. I don't know what her love language is. She also has grown up since then and was simply sharing how she used to feel. She does not hold it against him at all, but I think a little piece of her hurts over it.

 

Although I do agree that it is wrong to expect more, I was really thinking along the lines of what Garga said, that she was hurt that he didn't put thought into personal gifts when all along he had planned to propose on New Years. That's just my take anyway. It bothered me enough that I wanted to get the Hive's input... but you know what crossed my mind this morning? Apart from (what I think is a very astute and intuitive response because I happen to agree with) Garga's post, this forum is largely biased. I say this because 1) we're mostly female and females are emotional beings who will typically root for the underdog, and 2) we are all heavily involved in our children's lives either homeschooling/afterschooling/whatnot. Because we are heavily involved in our children's lives, we have proven that we can put other people first. I don't know about you, but homeschooling is one of the most selfless things I've ever done. I'm rushed and not feeling like I'm articulating this well, but I think we're largely an unselfish crowd because we homeschool, compared to the general population. So perhaps we're having a hard time relating to something that appears selfish. :confused:

 

ETA: allow me to apologize in advance for the poor choice of words above... Garga please don't over-read into any of that, please assume the best because my thinking is like yours in this... I just did not word the above good at all... I hope the meaning can be deciphered by all. I need a coffee!

Edited December 15, 2010 by specialmama

[Gratia271]

I guess my family is full of oddballs (yet again). I have twins who have never grumbled about "sharing" a birthday, and I was married right after Christmastime. I was told my anniversary would be subsumed by Christmas, but I have never felt that way.

 

I guess this may reduce to how people define love. If feeling loved is a function of receiving gifts, then there are a lot of people in this world who are SOL. The only thing some people have to offer is themselves. Shame on them.

[OnTheBrink]

You know, after having been married to a man who was big on expensive gifts and short on commitment and true love, I'll take genuine commitment and love over a flashy ring any day. You can always update a ring for an anniversary or something later, but a man who truly loves you and wants to grow old with you? Priceless.

 

I think the girl is a twit and doesn't deserve her husband.

[Parrothead]

I'm one of the few, but I get it. Especially if her birthday is on Christmas day. Some token other than the ring should have been given. Some small thing that acknowledges the holiday and the birthday. A 50 cent ornament from the dollar store for Christmas and some small trinket from the same store for the birthday. Each wrapped prettily and presented at the appropriate time.

 

If he had wanted the ring and proposal to stand in for a Christmas gift then he should have waited until Christmas day. She still should have gotten a small (I'm talking less than $5.00) something for her birthday.

 

I'm not materialistic or shallow. I do feel strongly that there are important events that need acknowledgment every year. I don't feel strongly that one goes into debt or anything. Homemade gift or even a homemade card would be enough if presented with care.

 

I'm not a big fan of Christmas or other holiday proposals/weddings. If the marriage goes south or even if the proposal goes bad, that ruins the holiday for many years to come.

[Rebecca VA]

Karyn, thanks for posting this juicy story. It wouldn't be a fun day on TWTM board if we didn't have a villain to be outraged at.

[cin]

Funny thing, when I was in college, the joke was that you WANTED to get your engagement ring for a special occasion, such as Christmas or Valentine's day or Birthday because then it was a gift, and you didn't have to return it if you broke up. Guess she didn't know about this theory. :D

[RoughCollie]

Guess she didn't know about this theory. :D

 

I was just coming here to post that. It's not a theory. It's common law in many states because the ring is a gift and not contingent upon actually getting married to one's fiance.

 

This is why I was surprised when DH gave me my engagement ring as a Gift on Christmas Eve: He knew the law. I was surprised when he gave me other gifts for Christmas that year. The jewelry salesman enjoyed having him as a customer, I'm sure.

Edited December 15, 2010 by RoughCollie

[unsinkable]

Karyn, thanks for posting this juicy story. It wouldn't be a fun day on TWTM board if we didn't have a villain to be outraged at.

 

:lol:

[2cents]

The poor guy. She sounds like a real winner (not).

 

Bill (who proposed on Christmas himself :D)

 

WOW! I'm with Bill on this. She sounds like a piece of work. The prognosis seems grim.

[Audrey]

The poor guy. She sounds like a real winner (not).

 

Bill (who proposed on Christmas himself :D)

:iagree: with Bill.

 

How is a ring not better? I think it's sad that she reflects on that day as materialistically lacking.

[Pretty in Pink]

It wouldn't matter [to me] one bit whether or not he later made a joke about "getting off easy" in the gift department that year, and it also wouldn't make a difference that my birthday fell on Christmas.

 

I find it odd that a grown woman expects her entire family to fawn over her for an entire afternoon on her birthday. Even if everyone enjoys making a big to do that afternoon it still comes across as incredibly rude, IMO, to expect it.

 

Proposing is a big deal, isn't it? And in front of her entire family no less? I can't imagine feeling put out that I did not receive an additional gift from my fiance. I just don't get it. I don't understand placing such a high value on gifts.

 

My children have *always* received cheap or no gifts from my in laws, while their other grandchild receives an entire box full of Christmas gifts from them every year. My in laws are not well off but they buy big for that grandchild because her parents can't afford much for her, ever. They know our kids will have other gifts under the tree, but that grandchild will not. My kids understand this. It doesn't hurt their feelings.

 

Gifts are nice, but they do not equal love. Even if gifts is your (generic 'your') love language, what gift could possibly communicate love more clearly than a proposal?

[EarleneW]

I'd say she is spoiled and materialistic!

[stormy weather]

Karyn, thanks for posting this juicy story. It wouldn't be a fun day on TWTM board if we didn't have a villain to be outraged at.

:lol::lol::lol:This has made my day. I always like a good villian:D

 

To the OP: My first thought when reading the title was :confused: and after I read the post I'm still:confused:. Sometimes I just have to quote Eeyore and say "We can't all and some of us don't" Sometimes our hearts feel what they feel, whether it's right or not.

Edited December 15, 2010 by stormy weather

[RamonaQ]

I couldn't imagine a better gift! Well, ok, a tie-- a baby born on Christmas.

[Haiku]

The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

I say she sounds petty and materialistic.

 

Tara

[AuntPol]

I would have had to hear her tone and know her well. I can see me saying something like that in jest.

 

In reality, I didn't even have an engagement ring when I got married. He proposed in bed, after a really sweaty "session" (and even then I was already hot and tired and in my fatigues fresh off the rifle range). Heck, I don't even think it was a serious proposal but just being overwhelmed by hormones but I said yes.

 

We were both Marines. He didn't have a lot of money. I think he was a bit gun shy because he had been previously engaged and bought that girl a huge expensive ring. She ended up cheating on him. After they broke up, she sold the ring to pay for her honeymoon with the guy she cheated on my DH with. Nobody seems to know if she is still married or even alive.

 

I got my "engagement" ring after we had been married 10.5 months as we were getting ready for the Marine Corps Ball. It is tiny but I love it.

[LaissezFaire]

She sounds like a brat.

[Garga]

 

Although I do agree that it is wrong to expect more, I was really thinking along the lines of what Garga said, that she was hurt that he didn't put thought into personal gifts when all along he had planned to propose on New Years. That's just my take anyway. It bothered me enough that I wanted to get the Hive's input... but you know what crossed my mind this morning? Apart from (what I think is a very astute and intuitive response because I happen to agree with) Garga's post, this forum is largely biased. I say this because 1) we're mostly female and females are emotional beings who will typically root for the underdog, and 2) we are all heavily involved in our children's lives either homeschooling/afterschooling/whatnot. Because we are heavily involved in our children's lives, we have proven that we can put other people first. I don't know about you, but homeschooling is one of the most selfless things I've ever done. I'm rushed and not feeling like I'm articulating this well, but I think we're largely an unselfish crowd because we homeschool, compared to the general population. So perhaps we're having a hard time relating to something that appears selfish. :confused:

 

ETA: allow me to apologize in advance for the poor choice of words above... Garga please don't over-read into any of that, please assume the best because my thinking is like yours in this... I just did not word the above good at all... I hope the meaning can be deciphered by all. I need a coffee!

 

 

I came back online to check this thread because very few seemed to agree with me and I wondered if anyone thought I was a fruitcake for my post. I was going to then ask you, Karyn, what your take on this was, since you know the woman and the man and have seen them interact. If you had come back and said, "Oh, no Garga. She's just the most shallow woman I've ever met, she's always doing stuff like this, etc," then I would figure I had been way off the mark. It's a little gratifying to hear that I wasn't totally off the mark.

 

It's so easy online to receive just one dimension of a circumstance and base our opinions/judgment calls on that. But situations like this are rarely black/white right/wrong. When confronted with posts like yours, I generally first think the obvious, "What a spoiled young woman!", but then consider that there might have been more going on. That's usually what happens. A person starts a thread, we all jump on it and say, "how awful", and then the OP corrects us to say, "Well, actually, now that I read how upset you all are, I realize that there is more to the story that you need to know..."

[RegularMom]

...she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after....

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

And then, upon hearing that she said this, I lost an ENORMOUS amount of respect for her and her petty, materialistic attitude.

 

How rude.

[6packofun]

Agreed. If a ring and proposal wasn't the best darn gift she got that season, she should just suck it.

[3littlekeets]

I'm guessing future DH will be belittled and demeaned throughout the next 50 or so years, or he'll cut his losses and find a new woman!

[Robin M]

I was chatting with someone (female) who said that her husband proposed on Christmas Eve. Although she was thrilled and screamed "YES!" right away, she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after. The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

 

He took the easy way out of getting her a gift? What the heck was the engagement ring. That was one heck of a gift. Man, some people.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: I think it's sad that she felt that way, and that she feels victimized by not getting more presents.

 

I'd say she is spoiled. Not only was that a very special gift, and an expensive one too, but he was committing to her for life. She will have years of Christmases and Christmas gifts with him in the future. And I can't imagine basing my respect for a man on how many gifts he gives me. Note- I would never have the courage or the gall to say something like that to someone's face.

[simka2]

All that comes to mind is "ball and chain." I don't think he took the easy route to anything...maybe the hard one;)!

[Pippen]

What sayeth the Hive?

 

Oh well.

 

There are all kinds of people in the world and you just met one who thinks of gifts differently than you do. :)

[Ibbygirl]

Suppose he had bought her a lovely sweater for her birthday and also proposed. Is she forever going to look back at that Christmas/birthday/proposal and think, "What a wonderful day! My darling husband proposed and gave me a great sweater!" If so, she's a bit odd, imo.

 

:lol::lol::lol: I know right! If she seriously loved the guy would she honestly even remember the second gift? :001_huh:

[Ibbygirl]

Gifts are nice, but they do not equal love. Even if gifts is your (generic 'your') love language, what gift could possibly communicate love more clearly than a proposal?

 

:iagree::iagree: What she said.

[Meriwether]

I came back online to check this thread because very few seemed to agree with me and I wondered if anyone thought I was a fruitcake for my post. I was going to then ask you, Karyn, what your take on this was, since you know the woman and the man and have seen them interact. If you had come back and said, "Oh, no Garga. She's just the most shallow woman I've ever met, she's always doing stuff like this, etc," then I would figure I had been way off the mark. It's a little gratifying to hear that I wasn't totally off the mark.

 

It's so easy online to receive just one dimension of a circumstance and base our opinions/judgment calls on that. But situations like this are rarely black/white right/wrong. When confronted with posts like yours, I generally first think the obvious, "What a spoiled young woman!", but then consider that there might have been more going on. That's usually what happens. A person starts a thread, we all jump on it and say, "how awful", and then the OP corrects us to say, "Well, actually, now that I read how upset you all are, I realize that there is more to the story that you need to know..."

 

I didn't post earlier because I was holding the baby, but I could have written your first post. I think her comment was shallow, but I wouldn't automatically assume she is a terrible person and will make a bad wife. HIS attitude and actions would color the situation, but even if he was perfect, I wouldn't automatically write her off. Who amoung us wants to be judged by the worst of who we are?

 

What if I said, "My husband lied (a very big lie) to me so that I would marry him."

 

It is true. He happens to be a very good person - and not a habitual liar. He has been a wonderful, but not perfect, spouse. I'm glad I married him.

[Mrs Mungo]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

I would figure he was being sort of defensive because someone probably remarked upon the fact that he didn't have a birthday gift for her. Even in jest, that would have ticked MY dh off after what he sacrificed to buy my ring. Now, that's easy for me to say because MY love language is NOT gifts, not at all.

 

I do have a December baby and I agree that they can feel cheated out of birthday parties and gifts at times. Eldest rarely has a big birthday party because it's almost impossible to squeeze in another party that time of year. My family is pretty good about sending her decent birthday gifts *wrapped in birthday paper* (this seems key for my dd, lol), but not everyone is.

 

It's like he just "threw money at the problem." "I don't know my girlfriend enough to figure out what to give her, so I'll just get her the ring and propose on Christmas/birthday instead of New Years. Problem solved!"

 

I can see this mentality, maybe.

 

Apart from (what I think is a very astute and intuitive response because I happen to agree with) Garga's post, this forum is largely biased. I say this because 1) we're mostly female and females are emotional beings who will typically root for the underdog, and 2) we are all heavily involved in our children's lives either homeschooling/afterschooling/whatnot. Because we are heavily involved in our children's lives, we have proven that we can put other people first. I don't know about you, but homeschooling is one of the most selfless things I've ever done. I'm rushed and not feeling like I'm articulating this well, but I think we're largely an unselfish crowd because we homeschool, compared to the general population. So perhaps we're having a hard time relating to something that appears selfish. :confused:

 

I'm an ENTJ(sometimes P). I'm not an emotional female at all, being logical instead of emotional is often how I get in trouble on this very forum. Suddenly being accused of feeling the way I do because I'm a soft-hearted girl is kind of weird. It's probably more weird for Bill. ;) I'm not holding it against you, I understand what the lack of caffeine can do to a person, it was just kind of funny to me. :001_smile:

 

Karyn, thanks for posting this juicy story. It wouldn't be a fun day on TWTM board if we didn't have a villain to be outraged at.

 

:lol:

[Mary in VA]

No, I would take him as joking and that the ring/proposal is a large (aka lifetime) investment. so it was Christmas and her birthday...she was given something better and more meaningful than a birthday or Christmas gift...unless she didn't really want the engagement.

 

:iagree:

 

Mary

[snickelfritz]

It is true. He happens to be a very good person - and not a habitual liar. He has been a wonderful, but not perfect, spouse. I'm glad I married him.

 

But do you make a habit of telling friends all about it and how much respect you lost for him?

 

A person can't help how they feel. And I understand someone who is sensitive about the birthday/Christmas thing. But to go around telling people about how your dh failed you over the ring and how you LOST RESPECT ( heavy words) shows some possible issues. But it is also possible the OP is best buds with this friends and she doesn't go around bad-mouthing her dh all the time. The OP asked for opinions and posters gave their opinions based on what they have been told.

[CAMom]

 

 

Getting a ring is easy. Trying to figure out her interests and finding a gift is hard. He did take the easy way out. It's like he just "threw money at the problem." "I don't know my girlfriend enough to figure out what to give her, so I'll just get her the ring and propose on Christmas/birthday instead of New Years. Problem solved!"

 

 

 

On the other hand, it sounds like she's on the spoiled side and may be used to the world revolving around her as evidenced by Christmas Day being her own special celebration.

 

She may be one of those types who is very focussed on gifts and has expectations on others as to what is the "right" gift to give her. The guy could have known this (and I expect he would if he knows her well enough to marry her) and figured that someone couldn't possibly be disappointed with a gift of a ring and commitment.

 

Believe me, some people are extremely focussed on gifts and no matter what you do, it's never right!:)

[NanceXToo]

What if I said, "My husband lied (a very big lie) to me so that I would marry him."

 

Am I the only one curious about the details of this? :lol:

[Haiku]

The information about her birthday makes no difference to me. She still sounds petty and materialistic. Engagement rings are not cheap. Proposals don't grow on trees. Her boyfriend did what he thought would make the time of year special for them. If she can't appreciate that, her loss I guess. If I were her boyfriend and I knew she was feeling this way/talking about it with people, I might have some second thoughts.

 

Full disclosure: My wedding ring is sterling silver and was purchased from a local artist. It cost $15. I always told my dh that if he gave me an engagement ring, I wouldn't marry him (that was a joke, of course, but I don't have an engagement ring and didn't want one). I find the whole idea of expensive jewelry silly.

 

Tara

[mo2]

I was chatting with someone (female) who said that her husband proposed on Christmas Eve. Although she was thrilled and screamed "YES!" right away, she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after. The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

 

Without reading the other responses, I say this person is probably kind of a *itch and is lucky she got proposed to at all! That ring probably cost much more than what she would have gotten for Christmas otherwise! But, then, I don't know any background.

Edited December 15, 2010 by mo2

[ChiMomNP]

The poor guy. She sounds like a real winner (not).

 

Bill (who proposed on Christmas himself :D)

 

Agreed! Ugh. Blech. :thumbdown:

 

I feel bad for the guy.

[Abigail4476]

The additional info doesn't do much to change my opinion.

 

While you can't control what emotions you feel, you can process them logically and put them aside without advertisement if they're rooted in selfishness.

 

Unless her husband has a long history of being thoughtless about special events, days, etc., which supports this dissatisfaction, I would say she should keep her criticisms to herself and only show appreciation for his proposal. Even if he had planned to propose on New Year's, he may not have planned to buy gifts. I know my husband is a bit mischievous, and I can totally see him not getting me anything at all and making me sweat it out until he popped the question. (With the obvious expectation that the proposal would quickly make up for a lacking Christmas or birthday gift.)

[kristavws]

I haven't read all the responses, but am I the only one thinking, "God, please don't let my sons end up with a self-absorbed woman like that!"

 

Krista

[Rosie_0801]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

In that case, my feelings would have been hurt and wouldn't have recovered by the time he proposed. I would definitely think he was being a cheapskate and wonder what was so wrong with me that the guy would rejoice about getting to save $15 a year by being able to combine gifts and only get me one box of chokkies a year instead of two.

 

I think the chap in the OP behaved badly. He might not have meant it that way, but it is still bad behavior, imo. If he wasn't going to include the ring with the rest of her birthday gifts, he should have tossed in a nice box of chokkies or something. Withholding like that is playing mind games in my opinion. If you need to be an ass to make your proposal look better, you should have thought up a better plan for proposing. I don't know the woman in the OP, but if it were me in her shoes, it wouldn't be the $ value of the gifts I'd be feeling cheated over, (look at my life, lol, I'm no gold digger) it'd be the chivalry value and his chivalry value here was woeful.

 

Rosie