Engaged on Christmas Eve = ripped off?

[Hikin' Mama]

She sounds like a whiner who will never be happy, no matter what her husband does for her.

[Crimson Wife]

the awkward thing to me would be that if she's surprised by a ring, that would be so lovely. But then I would have to give him my gift, which would inevitably be something sort of lame like a fleece jacket or a bike helmet or a dog calendar. I wouldn't feel cheated out of a gift, but I would feel really embarrassed to receive a beautiful ring and then give a dog calendar in return, lol.

 

DH still teases me that for our first Valentine's Day, he gave me 2 dozen pink roses and I gave him an umbrella. :lol: In somewhat my defense, we hadn't been dating all that long and his old el cheapo umbrella had broken during a super-rainy winter. I got him a high-quality golf umbrella thinking that it would be something that he could really use. :tongue_smilie:

[mom4him]

I have a lot of words going through my mind describing the woman. Words like selfish, tacky, self centered, materialistic, the list goes on.

Was she marrying him because she wanted to live her life with him or for what she could get.:tongue_smilie:

[Harriet Vane]

I'd say she is spoiled. Not only was that a very special gift, and an expensive one too, but he was committing to her for life. She will have years of Christmases and Christmas gifts with him in the future. And I can't imagine basing my respect for a man on how many gifts he gives me. Note- I would never have the courage or the gall to say something like that to someone's face.

 

:iagree:

 

Petty and small-minded.

[NanceXToo]

Wow. Materialistic much?

[Princess Peach]

I was chatting with someone (female) who said that her husband proposed on Christmas Eve. Although she was thrilled and screamed "YES!" right away, she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after. The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

I'm hoping she was joking!!

 

Otherwise, that is sad.

[snickelfritz]

I am absolutely gullible, which explains why his ruse worked. But, we had been looking for an emerald ring for my birthday. It was his way of seeing what I liked and getting my ring size. Instead, he surprised me with a diamond and a proposal.

 

I was thrilled at the time. But, I guess in retrospect, I got gipped out of my emerald.:tongue_smilie: (That was said in dripping sarcasm, which I know doesn't come across the internet, but which I want to use anyway.)

[Mary in VA]

IMO, the annoyance at the lacking [additional] gift shows immaturity and selfishness, which doesn't bode well for their future together. :glare:

 

:iagree:Bet she turns into Bridezilla during the wedding planning!

 

Mary

 

ETA: I missed that they were already married! Hope she gets over that, how sad!

Edited December 15, 2010 by Mary in VA

[Cinder]

:iagree: No engagement ring here either.

 

Here either. We were both poor college students from poor families. Both of us were able to attend college on full scholarships. Even my wedding band cost nothing--it was his dear grandmother's wedding band. Truly a treasure! Next month we'll celebrate 24 years. :party:

 

What is so sad is the woman's comment that she "lost respect" for her dh. Makes me wonder how she really feels about him now.

 

I'm also curious to know how long they've been married and how this lost respect has affected their years together.

[NanceXToo]

Oh, and I got married without an engagement ring, too.

 

After our daughter was born, my husband gave me a ring then (that I guess would have been an engagement ring) which was in his family, not one he'd bought just for me. I loved it. And the timing was special.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Since,

 

1. one of my sisters has been hosting a young boy from Haiti whose eye and left side of his face was crushed in the earthquake, and watching the news reports of what is happening there

 

and

 

2. another sister adopted 3 kids from India and told me about literally walking over dead bodies lying in the streets

 

and

 

3. Several of my friends have lost very young children in the past few years,

 

my perspective on life has dramatically changed. I am incredibly blessed just by the gift of spending time with my kids in a warm house with plenty to eat everyday. I think your friend needs to experience what a real disappointment is before she laments 'only getting a ring' for Christmas.

[Wheres Toto]

I really hope this woman never said anything to her dh, poor guy. I wonder if they're still married and how long they've been married. Did this happen last year and she's thinking of it now because the holidays are back? Or was this 20 years ago and she's reminicing?

 

IF they picked out the ring together, she knew the proposal was coming and they did it on Christmas to involve the family - I could see being a little upset at no "surprise". But I think a small, inexpensive surprise gift would be nice in that situation. I certainly couldn't see losing respect for my dh because of this.

 

Dh proposed to me on Labor Day, first thing in the morning, while we were waking up in a camper and my dd was sleeping across the room. My first reaction was "Holy Sh**!". I was really surprised. :D We had only been dating 3 months.

[In the Rain]

Wow, I can only hope she was kidding! :confused:

[Violet Crown]

I was chatting with someone (female) who said that her husband proposed on Christmas Eve. Although she was thrilled and screamed "YES!" right away, she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after. The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

Wow. Dh didn't get me a ring because we were both grad students with absolutely no money at all (I wore my mom's dress, our reception was in the parish hall, a friend made the food herself, and the priest left the Christmas decorations up in the church so we'd have flowers (poinsettias!) at our wedding). We combined every penny we had to buy wedding bands.

 

Who cares? I got the finest man in the world as my husband. What other gift does a girl want?

[mommaduck]

The poor guy. She sounds like a real winner (not).

 

:iagree: Ungrateful! (we don't do gifts for each other except an occasional birthday gift, because we simply can't afford to. Anything we have goes to bills, needs, or the kids to make THEIR days and holidays special. I already have my husband and his love for life. I'm not going to complain over a materialistic gift.)

Edited December 15, 2010 by mommaduck

[FO4UR]

Well, why doesn't she throw a hissy fit and demand a kitchen mixer??? She could trade that ring in for the top of the line....:glare:

 

(sarcastic disbelief)

 

On playing devil's advocate: Maybe her dh is the real "winner" and through time she has noticed the tendency in him to be a cheapskate...and truly thinks that he waited to propose until Christmas simply to avoid giving a gift.

 

Paula (who wears a simple gold band)

[Pam Wilhelm]

She sounds like a brat.

 

 

My husband and I have been married for over 21 years.....we haven't bought "Presents" for each other in over 20 years. I look at him...and know that anything that comes out of a store wouldn't even begin to show how much he loves me or how much I love him. His present for me.......... he comes home to me every night, he is a good and honest man, he works hard so I can stay home and teach our children, he is kind.

 

I could buy almost anything I wanted.....if I wanted anything........but you can't buy that kind of devotion and pure love.

[Denisemomof4]

Wow. That poor guy! I hope she kept her mouth shut and realized that she was being completely ridiculous. Has she come to her senses?

[Amy in NH]

My first thought on that is that it's really petty and materialistic. I sincerely hope that my daughter doesn't grow up to think like that.

 

:iagree:

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I hope her comment was made as a jest. I know it's the type of jest I would hear in my family, and we're not materialistic. It's just our way of joking.

 

As for me, I proposed, I bought the rings, I organised the wedding. DH only had to say 'yes' twice. She's lucky she got a guy who cared enough to propose himself, and provide a ring.

[Guest momk2000]

Wow! That sounds pretty ungrateful! To be engaged on Christmas Eve, and receive a beautiful diamond as a gift, sounds pretty darn special to me. I would be on cloud 9 for a pretty long time. :D

[Mejane]

I'd say it was HE who didn't get much of a gift that Christmas, iykwim. :glare:

[specialmama]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

[Supertechmom]

 

...

(sarcastic disbelief)

 

On playing devil's advocate: Maybe her dh is the real "winner" and through time she has noticed the tendency in him to be a cheapskate...and truly thinks that he waited to propose until Christmas simply to avoid giving a gift.

 

Paula (who wears a simple gold band)

 

 

I was thinking the same thing! Maybe, it's like Christmas birthdays. Everyone just rolls them together and she's thinking along those lines. But losing respect?? Only if time has revealed other things. I don't see losing respect over being proposed to on Christmas. A ring would be a wonderful gift.

[lionfamily1999]

There are eight pages of responses I haven't read yet, but I think your friend is selling the offer short.

 

He didn't just "get her a ring." He is offering up his heart, his life, his future children, his home and a plethora of other PRICELESS things.

 

She needs to rethink who is getting ripped off here. :glare:

[mommaduck]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

No, I would take him as joking and that the ring/proposal is a large (aka lifetime) investment. so it was Christmas and her birthday...she was given something better and more meaningful than a birthday or Christmas gift...unless she didn't really want the engagement.

[lionfamily1999]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

It sounds to me like the poor man thinks she wants to marry him and sees a future with him as worth a handful of lost presents.

 

Maybe I'm just a cheap date, but I would consider that the sweetest Christmas/Birthday present ever.

[Rebecca VA]

Well, his joke about getting off easy was unfortunate, but she still sounds a little spoiled. Is she going to expect a lovely birthday party every Christmas after she's married? Is she going to freak if her husband loses his job and can't afford presents?

 

I can understand her having some feelings of disappointment, but she needs to get over herself.

[KarenNC]

We have a friend who narrowly avoided this kind of scenario. When he proposed and gave her the ring she accepted but instructed him to take it back to get something bigger! I'm not sure why he didn't immediately break it off, but at least he did so later and then met and married a very nice woman who appreciated him, not just what she could get out of him. Other friends ran into her recently and she hasn't changed a bit in the last 15 or so years. Perhaps tellingly, she has also not yet married.

 

Hopefully the person telling the original story bracketed it with something like, "I can't *believe* I used to be so shallow that I........ I'm so glad I grew up and got my priorities straight!"

 

My engagement ring, btw, is a combination of our two families. He had the setting from his great-grandmother's ring, but no stone--a lovely old-fashioned rose gold with some very cool detailing. I had my great-great aunt's engagement ring---small stone in an unattractive setting. He was nervous about suggesting we consider using the setting and offered to buy me something new, but I was absolutely thrilled at the history of it. We spent $60 at the jeweler getting the stone reset into the setting and having a plain rose gold band made to match (gold was obviously cheaper at that point ;)). I wouldn't trade it for anything! We even chose to get married on the date engraved in the engagement ring---it was engraved May 20, 1902 and we got married on May 20, 1995.

[lionfamily1999]

We have a friend who narrowly avoided this kind of scenario. When he proposed and gave her the ring she accepted but instructed him to take it back to get something bigger! I'm not sure why he didn't immediately break it off, but at least he did so later and then met and married a very nice woman who appreciated him, not just what she could get out of him. Other friends ran into her recently and she hasn't changed a bit in the last 15 or so years. Perhaps tellingly, she has also not yet married.

 

Hopefully the person telling the original story bracketed it with something like, "I can't *believe* I used to be so shallow that I........ I'm so glad I grew up and got my priorities straight!"

 

My engagement ring, btw, is a combination of our two families. He had the setting from his great-grandmother's ring, but no stone--a lovely old-fashioned rose gold with some very cool detailing. I had my great-great aunt's engagement ring---small stone in an unattractive setting. He was nervous about suggesting we consider using the setting and offered to buy me something new, but I was absolutely thrilled at the history of it. We spent $60 at the jeweler getting the stone reset into the setting and having a plain rose gold band made to match (gold was obviously cheaper at that point ;)). I wouldn't trade it for anything! We even chose to get married on the date engraved in the engagement ring---it was engraved May 20, 1902 and we got married on May 20, 1995.

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she should confront him, so he can run now.

[Mejane]

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday?

 

 

Suppose he had bought her a lovely sweater for her birthday and also proposed. Is she forever going to look back at that Christmas/birthday/proposal and think, "What a wonderful day! My darling husband proposed and gave me a great sweater!" If so, she's a bit odd, imo.

[KarenNC]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

No, I would think that the poor guy was trying to make things even more special by doing this when her whole family was together so that they could share in her happiness. My family might have made some similar jokes, but they would have been real jokes, not thinly veiled criticism. If her *family* would also have truly thought less of him for something like this or that he should have bought a bunch of other presents, well, it would appear that perhaps the apple didn't fall far from the tree?

[Gratia271]

I was chatting with someone (female) who said that her husband proposed on Christmas Eve. Although she was thrilled and screamed "YES!" right away, she said she lost a little bit of respect for him shortly after. The more she thought of it, the more she thought he took the easy way out of getting her a gift. The ring is the only thing he got her for Christmas.

 

What sayeth the Hive?

 

I didn't read the other posts, but I have to say I was shocked when I read this. Respect has ZERO to do with tangible gifts. My husband and I often don't even exchange gifts at Christmas anymore. We allocate it to people who actually need things.

 

If she can lose respect for him over this, God help the man if he ever loses a job, doesn't buy her the perfect vehicle, or otherwise fails to make her world work.....

:rant:

[specialmama]

Just so you all know, I do agree with the consensus. ;)

[CalicoKat]

In defense of this woman. . . . .

 

I get it. Perhaps it's not so much not getting a gift. But that she didn't see he wasn't the gift giving type and she realizes that's important to her in a relationship.

 

My dh isn't the romantic type. When we dated, and in the beginning of our dating years, I self-talked that romance wasn't important and I could do without. But my love language IS part romance. Without it things dwindle. It took me 17 years to admit this to myself.

 

I would counsel your friend to speak up to her dh and let him know (in a positive way) how important gift giving is to her and that she'd like to get gifts from him.

 

For myself I had to do the same. This year for Christmas I told dh that I was looking forward to exchanging gifts with him (I have gifted him each year).

 

He asked about my "list" and I said that I'd like him to think about my interests go from there. I shared with him a story about how my dad bought a gift for my mom one year by looking at the magazines she regularily reads (gardening and & sewing) and how romantic I thought it was that he was aware of her interests.

 

DH came back later and said that he had three ideas but didn't know which to buy. I said, "If you can't decide, buy them all!" He did and for the first time in our marriage I will get the best gift of all--a bit of romance that I crave from the man I love. The gifts will be nice too. :D It's been wonderful to have him watching, questioning and interested in what I'm doing & reading.

 

I don't think it's shallow of her. I do think it's her facing the reality that we all face in our marriages. Sometimes love glosses over things. Sometimes we realize there's a different aspect to our love language at different chapters in life. Sometimes it's just that we have to speak up and communicate our needs because the bustle of life has changed our lover into a husband.

 

It may well be that she's wife who's hurting this season and not a self-absorbed person. Just offering a different view.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

The poor guy. She sounds like a real winner (not).

 

Bill (who proposed on Christmas himself :D)

 

:iagree:

[KarenNC]

In defense of this woman. . . . .

 

I get it. Perhaps it's not so much not getting a gift. But that she didn't see he wasn't the gift giving type and she realizes that's important to her in a relationship.

 

If the proposal had not also included a very expensive diamond ring, I might go along with this to a point.

[GWOB]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

Doesn't change a thing. Guys say dumb things sometimes. I'm sure he didn't mean it like that. The poor guy probably just thought it would be extra special to propose on Christmas, which was also her birthday. He probably thought it would make her feel super special and loved. She was being selfish, snotty, and childish.

 

My birthday is usually aroud 2 weeks after Mother's Day. One year dh bought me a car as a combo Mom's Day/Birthday present. I was thrilled! I didn't care that he "only" got me one present. I got a flipping car! Seriously.

[Danestress]

His choice of how to joke around was unfortunate. Every woman wants to feel adored, and it's probably unwise to propose and then make a point of not having wanted to have to buy a birthday present.

 

It's also unwise of her to blab about these resentments, which make her seem petting an critical.

[Holly IN]

Didn't read any response.

 

The only thing I can think of is what kind of ring did he get her? Probably a ring that costs a lot of money. That is all he could afford possibly?? I know my rings costs $800 at the time and it is a very simple ring. Not much to it at all. I am sure the costs of rings have gone up considerably over the last 19 years.

 

Holly

[Veritaserum]

If Christmas is also her birthday, I could potentially see years of hurt and resentment from people who might give a combined Christmas/birthday gift. If her love language is gifts, then this wold hurt extra.

 

Personally, I would not have expected any more gifts beyond the knowledge that I would spend the rest of my life with the man I love and a pretty, sparkling ring. :)

[Denisemomof4]

OK so the consensus is in.

There is more to the story.

Would the consensus change if it was revealed that Christmas day is also her birthday? That the family usually spends morning to lunch as Christmas, then the rest of the day is celebrated as her birthday, complete with cake and presents after dinner? What if he was with her whole family all day and his was the only present missing at the birthday part? What if he was joking around about getting off easy buying presents? You know, they're all laughing about it and all, but she starts to wonder. What if he had let it slip that he was originally planning to propose on New Years, but changed his mind? Wouldn't someone wonder why he changed his mind?

 

I still say she needs to grow up and is too materialistic. After spending all that money on a ring, she really should not even WANT anything else for her birthday or Christmas.

[BeckyFL]

That is really sickening and I pray that my boys would stay from those like her. Very sad.

[Denisemomof4]

My engagement ring, btw, is a combination of our two families. He had the setting from his great-grandmother's ring, but no stone--a lovely old-fashioned rose gold with some very cool detailing. I had my great-great aunt's engagement ring---small stone in an unattractive setting. He was nervous about suggesting we consider using the setting and offered to buy me something new, but I was absolutely thrilled at the history of it. We spent $60 at the jeweler getting the stone reset into the setting and having a plain rose gold band made to match (gold was obviously cheaper at that point ;)). I wouldn't trade it for anything! We even chose to get married on the date engraved in the engagement ring---it was engraved May 20, 1902 and we got married on May 20, 1995.

 

How incredibly special!!!!!

 

BTW, dh and I also married on May 20th but in 1989!

[Gratia271]

But that she didn't see he wasn't the gift giving type and she realizes that's important to her in a relationship.

 

 

IMO, the tone of the conversation was much more suggestive of a materialistic bent. That notwithstanding, people may not always love us in the way that we desire or even need sometimes, in our love language so to speak. After years of marriage, all I can say is I'm grateful that DH loves me despite all the ways I fail him. IMHO, relationships are foremost about giving, not receiving.

[HRAAB]

I would consider it the best combined Christmas/birthday present I ever got. Poor guy!

[lionfamily1999]

If the proposal had not also included a very expensive diamond ring, I might go along with this to a point.

:iagree: Or even a "free" heirloom ring (I was given my dad's mother's - and my mother's - engagement ring, dh didn't pay a thing for it.... unless you count being saddled with me for life :p).

[Dinsfamily]

My engagement and wedding rings are in the shop getting repaired and I told dh that all I want for Christmas is to have them back. :D. I've worn them for 11 years (minus my deployments) and miss them. My wedding band and honeymoon were 'all' I received for Christmas our first year together since we met and married in the same year. My hand feels weird.

 

On another note... I remember seeing one of my coworker's engagement rings when I was in the military and was struck by how proud she was of her tiny stone in a simple gold setting. It made such an impression on me because it was so clear that her ring was a symbol of her Dh's love and the size of it didn't matter.

[Garga]

I'm thinking along the lines of some of the posters who've talked about how maybe he is cheap and she "lost her respect" after the fact (with hindsight.)

 

She was obviously raised to believe that gift-giving days are very important, as the entire family makes a point to celebrate Christmas in the a.m. and also give her a special day in the p.m. Some families do not celebrate birthdays, but hers thought it was so important to celebrate that they were willing to give up their own Christmas for her.

 

What if it went down like this: She gets the ring and is all excited. It's how she's been raised (have a big celebration on important days.) Later in the day, it turns out that her fiance was going to propose on New Years, but instead he admits (from his own lips), that he didn't want to get her other presents, so he decided to propose on Christmas/her Birthday. He said so himself.

 

Getting a ring is easy. Trying to figure out her interests and finding a gift is hard. He did take the easy way out. It's like he just "threw money at the problem." "I don't know my girlfriend enough to figure out what to give her, so I'll just get her the ring and propose on Christmas/birthday instead of New Years. Problem solved!"

 

In my opinion, this time it was the thought that counted. It wasn't about getting a THING. It was the fact that he thought about it and decided NOT to get her anything else and considered himself lucky to have gotten out of having to get her a gift. He weasled his way into not getting her a gift by changing the day he was going to propose.

 

I think this has nothing to do with her wanting gifts. I think this has to do with the man making a point of saying that he was glad to have gotten out of buying her a gift. That was a mean thing for him to say. Yes, he got the ring. But I still think he meant it when he said he was glad he didn't have to come up with a gift idea for her.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Garga

[Nakia]

If a friend of mine said that to me I would tell her she has a h*ll of a lot to learn about marriage and family and life. :glare: