Oh yes, another wedding question. This time it is the potluck reception. Update in post #127

FaithManor · October 24, 2016

Okay, so niece is getting married in June, and the parents are not helping with expenses but expect a big wedding anyway. That is problem number one. Parents who want their kids to have expensive weddings should pay for them. If not paying, no say in the event. That's my look out anyway after years of doing event planning and watching brides and grooms twist themselves into knots making relatives happy while watching money disappear like water over Niagara Falls.

She is sweet, he is sweet, they will cave. I know they will. The parents have come up with a combined guest list of 200 people and she has no idea how they can feed them all. So some of her friends told her to have a potluck reception, bring food in lieu of presents or at least for say 50 -75 guests. Her soon to be mother in law went off on her about how tacky and embarrassing this is.

Sigh....

So first off. Where do you land on the idea? I am generally not pro this kind of thing because the first issue is that some municipalities and counties have ordinances against gatherings of that size being "private" so one can end up in a truck load of trouble over providing hot food items without a license. The second issue is it is quite an added burden to the couple to keep track of who is bringing what. Third is that you have to arrange for reliable people to organize the food, get it out, put ice in the containers that must be kept cold, keep appropriate heat for those that must remain above a certain heat level in order to remain safe, etc. It is easy to do for 50 people, not easy for 200 and have it all ready at one time, in the mother in law's backyard with only two regular size refrigerators to use, and limited roasting pans and crock pots to borrow. Fourth issue is for a lot of guests if they are traveling more than 30 miles, bringing food can be a problem, for those staying in hotels, not doable. Don't know about you, but I don't want Uncle Bob's potato salad riding in his old, unairconditioned pick up truck for forty five minutes in 85 degree weather. (And literally, there is an Uncle Bob who wants to do exactly this!) Fifth clean up. Are you really going to ask people to bring food to your reception and then NOT wash up their bowls/trays and serving utensils? Who is going to be in charge of stacking all these dirty things if they aren't going to be washed, and if they are, that is a major tall task and again not a commercial kitchen so one small kitchen sink and limited counter space to work with....and who wants to spend the reception cleaning up instead of enjoying the party?

I can so see this being okay for the family, close friends only backyard barbecue with a small number of people to coordinate. I just can't see this for 200.

So I suggested that the day of the wedding, she hire just a small brunch for her and Z, the bridal party, and her closest relatives, then have the wedding at 1:30, reception at 2:30, and done by 5 pm. Advertise cake and ice cream only. Easy peasy. This couple simply can not afford to have food catered for 200. I also told her to have just a single, top tier decorated for the "cutting ceremony" since she kind of wants to do that. She is allergic to wheat so has to have GF and admits that most GF cakes are not very tasty, so small is good. Then just have the local bakery make some sheet cakes with a simple white on white border, and we can place fresh flowers or silks and ribbon on the cakes to make them pretty but no major expense in having decorated cakes. Ice Cream is always fun, and mother in law's big chest freezer can handle several gallons.

It is cheap, festive, and acceptable.

Mother in law and now mother are having a cow. Mom and dad themselves can't contribute. My brother had a stroke and they are living on 60% of his normal pay while he recovers - thankfully they had that insurance or they'd be in a world of hurt. But I think it is ridiculous for them to take this attitude with their daughter when they are not contributing anything. As for the in laws? GAH! On the one hand they love her dearly, and treat niece very very well on other issues. But this is an only child for them so they always dreamed of this crazy big, elaborate wedding for him, but with the traditional viewpoint that the only thing they have to contribute is paying for his suit and rehearsal dinner.

At any rate, I am now on the naughty list with the new in-laws for suggesting the cake/ice cream reception. I have to check with the municipality to see if they can even have a potluck reception outdoors in the residential area for 200 without risking a police officer crashing the reception on complaints of the neighbors.

By the way, the added wrinkle is that while the inlaws back yard is lovely, really lovely, three bathrooms probably isn't enough, and no one wants to pay for porta potties, AND even worse, I am not certain that 200 chairs can be put out there in any configuration that will allow the majority of guests to even see. But niece insists because the "venue" is free. Sigh...I can't fault her for that.

What says the great Hive?

Edited October 25, 2016 by FaithManor

zoobie · October 24, 2016

I'd give the couple $500 cash and tell them to freaking elope and get the heck away from their insane families.

Ravin · October 24, 2016

There is nothing wrong with a potluck. The parents who aren't paying for the wedding should put up or shut up.

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I agree with you 100%.

Lang Syne Boardie · October 24, 2016

I'd give the couple $500 cash and tell them to freaking elope and get the heck away from their insane families.

*endorse*

kiana · October 24, 2016

If they want it, they can pay for it.

heartlikealion · October 24, 2016

I got tripped up on: "The parents have come up with a combined guest list of 200 people"

Have the invitations gone out? I'd say nip that in the bud and then re-evaluate food choices.

Edited October 24, 2016 by heartlikealion

Renthead Mommy · October 24, 2016

Tell them to elope, because this whole mess can go nowhere but worse.

And tell her to save her money and skip the makeup girl and photographer because these people are going to have her in tears for days and days leading up to it and most certainly the day of it.

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I'm not anti pot luck wedding reception, but I really don't think it's practical for 200 guests.

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I agree with elope.

Renthead Mommy · October 24, 2016

There is nothing wrong with a potluck. The parents who aren't paying for the wedding should put up or shut up.

No, there is nothing wrong with a potluck for events. Personally I think it is super tacky for a wedding that is supposed to be a big fancy deal, but putting that aside, there is a lot if issues doing a potluck for 200 people. Issues that quickly turn it into there is a lot wrong with doing a potluck. Especially when you only have three bathrooms...

heartlikealion · October 24, 2016

I don't think they have to elope to solve the problem. What do they want? If they want a small(er) wedding, then they should have a small wedding. If they want to elope, that's another story.

You want us to invite 200 people? Are you buying the stamps? LOL

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I know this is a bit nutters, but every time the word potluck comes up I think of catwoman. Is she ok? Anyone hear from her recently?

maize · October 24, 2016

If the groom's parents want a big wedding, they should pay for it. Any parents who are not carrying the expense need to butt out.

I'd go for a cake only reception, I've been to plenty of those.

Edited October 24, 2016 by maize

gingersmom · October 24, 2016

Where would they put 200 people in case of bad weather?

I'm not a fan of potluck for many of the reasons you mentioned.

I had a Sunday buffet for 100 people. It was still crazy expensive but cheaper than other options.

I vote elope.

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I went to a potluck wedding. But basically how that evolved was couple was getting married (they already had kids together). They didn't have a ton of money and well they were already living together for years and had kids. So it was just a nice little "let's make it official" type thing. Ok so mostly very close family would go to the ceremony. There was no real plan for a reception. Another family member says oh well why don't you all come to my house after the ceremony. That family member was usually the one everyone went to when there was a family picnic/BBQ because she had the space. She even had a ton of silverware and plates for parties. So then that turned into...well hey I'll bring my XYZ dish I always make for the picnic/BBQ.. Next thing you know everyone is bringing something and it turns into a sort of reception/party/celebration thing. But we are talking maybe 20 family members. And all that was fine.

But 200 people? No..that's just ridiculous. How are you even going to have any minimal food safety standards?

bolt. · October 24, 2016

Backbones make life a lot easier.

For this person, the idea of a full meal for 200 without having to pay for it is just not an option, unless one of the guests is Jesus. (And even if He is one *wink* his habits of food multiplication and wine making seem to be limited to his days of concrete incarnation.) They can think about it, cry about it, argue about it, give birth to calves about it... but they can't change it. The option simply does not exist in reality: therefore it won't be happening.

The options are:

Full meal *and* pay at least $3000+ for it.

Modified meal (cut the hot, cold and sloppy options) *with* pot-lucking

Modified meal (main course provided, bring sides) *with* partial pot-lucking and big volunteering

Modified meal (incredibly simple) *with* volunteer mass production

Serve less food (not a meal) *therefore* pay less money

Full meal *but only for* fewer people

People having a cow do not make impossible things possible. Offer empathy: the bride and groom are in a tough spot. Parents are being idiots.

TranquilMind · October 24, 2016

The bride and groom and families should do what they can comfortably afford. No more.

Cake sounds lovely. No one cares after the fact that they just got cake instead of a full meal. No one even remembers, down the road.

Make sure the venue will permit a pot luck. It probably will, but you had better check.

I agree with the others that say that if you aren't paying, you have no say in how people will be fed.

lanalouwho · October 24, 2016

I would not even try to do a potluck for that many people. That sounds like chaos.

For our wedding, we had close family donate food, though. Several people pitched in and got briskets and sides, and DH's uncle spent all night/morning on the grill. It was delicious, but low-key. But we aren't super fancy so it worked for us.

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

October 24, 2016

Agreeing that they need to stand up to their ridiculous families and elope.

ETA--I've been to many "cake and punch in the church basement" receptions. It is very possible to have a wedding on a budget.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Moxie

Renthead Mommy · October 24, 2016

But 200 people? No..that's just ridiculous. How are you even going to have any minimal food safety standards?

And putting Uncle Bob and his hours old warm potato salad aside, think about what your average college/post college aged guys are going to bring. Rolls. Chips and dip. Whatever they can get at the Kiwkie Mart when they remember they need sonething on their way there...

FaithManor · October 24, 2016

Where would they put 200 people in case of bad weather?

I'm not a fan of potluck for many of the reasons you mentioned.

I had a Sunday buffet for 100 people. It was still crazy expensive but cheaper than other options.

I vote elope.

Oh this is for sure a worry of mine. The last wedding I coordinated was August 27th and it stormed the whole day, part of it torential downpour. Thankfully the back up plan was a gorgeous public building which was on reserve just in case and the reception was never planned for outdoors...golf course. The great thing about the golf course was that it cleared off right before sunset so they got some photos on the patio with the sunsetting but prior to that we were treated to a lovely rainbow.

I am trying to get niece to consider the what ifs.

FaithManor · October 24, 2016

And putting Uncle Bob and his hours old warm potato salad aside, think about what your average college/post college aged guys are going to bring. Rolls. Chips and dip. Whatever they can get at the Kiwkie Mart when they remember they need sonething on their way there...

No joke. I mean one of Z's friends is the type that will show up with beernuts and a keg. Not pretty!

vonfirmath · October 24, 2016

If the groom's parents want a big wedding, they should pay for it. Any parents who are not carrying the expense need to butt out.

I'd go for a cake only reception, I've been to plenty of those.

We had a wedding of about 200 guests. Hosted at our church (Cheap venue since I was a former member and still volunteered there). Which was where the ceremony was. So we had a better kitchen. Held at 1p specifically to avoid catering a meal. So wedding and then a cake and appetizers (finger foods) reception, plus wedding punch to drink. NO ALCOHOL (didn't want to pay for it. Luckily his parents, whose side is more into alcohol, said nothing). No ice cream but a friend pushed me that I needed something more than just cake.

I was very lucky in parents and in-laws. My MIL was very upset that her mother could not attend (in a nursing home in Washington D.C.) but held her tongue at even asking that the wedding be videotaped because she knew we were on a limited budget. She was thrilled to discover we had a friend of the family who was going to record it and send out tapes to loved ones. Even though they were not professional quality, etc.

Edited October 24, 2016 by vonfirmath

justasque · October 24, 2016

The bride and groom need to get a rough sense of what a variety of options will cost.
Then they need to sit down with both sets of parents, and note what each person is willing to put into the pot.

They need to make a list of all of the things anyone wants, put a dollar number next to each one, and add it up - even if that's a huge number. Show the parents the huge number. Compare to the small number that they have in the pot.

Then the conversation begins. What is MOST important to each person? What does each person feel can be left out? Respect each person's feelings. Dig a little deeper as to why they want each thing. Ultimately, mourn together about what can't be had. That's important to do. There are some legit feelings there - wanting to entertain friends who have hosted the parents in the past (perhaps at their kids' weddings), wanting to have an event where far-flung family can attend, etc. They will need to be worked through, ideally together.

Then on that foundation they can move forward together to figure out what they CAN do, and how they can joyfully focus on the REALLY important stuff. (That is, that bride and groom have found each other, and are making a new family together, etc.)

Small weddings can be wonderful events. I've been to both lavish affairs and small, thoughtful ones, and I much prefer the latter. Some things that I've seen work:
--The men in the wedding party wear suits, instead of rented tuxes.

--The bridesmaids wear nice dresses in some kind of theme. For example, at one wedding all of the wedding party and the guests were encouraged to wear purple/lavender. Everyone had their own take on it, and together they looked great!
--Cake and finger food is lovely. Just let people know so they can plan accordingly.

--Small is good. Think of large groups that can be eliminated - work friends, friends you really haven't seen in a while, relatives you don't really keep up with, etc.

luuknam · October 24, 2016

No on the potluck for many reasons. Ditch the parents' guest list and make their own. We had about 20 guests and had dinner on a river boat in San Antonio. If having a small guest list unacceptable, elope.

ETA: a potluck would be okay if they had 20 guests. Not over 200.

Edited October 24, 2016 by luuknam

AK_Mom4 · October 24, 2016

I went to a lovely wedding recently. Maybe 150-175 people? Guess What! They served cake and punch and cookies at the reception afterwards. And the cake was sheet cakes, with just a small decorated cake for the wedding couple to cut.

I had a great time. And these were two professional people who COULD afford whatever they wanted AND had a wedding planner doing all the stuff.

I'm in either the Elope Camp or the Do It Small Camp.

hjffkj · October 24, 2016

First if the couple needs to be the one's making the guest list not the parents. They can take the parent's lists in consideration but if they are paying for it they need to figure out what how many people they can afford to fees, in whatever manner they want, and compile a guest list using that price point. If the parents want to front the cost for additional guests that can be an option if the couple wants it.

J-rap · October 24, 2016

I went to a large wedding (at LEAST 200) that was potluck once. It wasn't potluck like a church potluck with little bbq weiners and potatoes au gratin, but really, really nice, like it had been catered. They focused on salads as the main dish, and lots of beautiful salads were served that looked and tasted wonderful. So, there is that.

But the bottom line is that I can't imagine parents demanding a type of wedding that is not affordable and then not contributing. I think a simple wedding with just cake and champagne or whatever would be very nice. My sister was married in my parents' backyard (much smaller though -- about 50 people) with cake and champagne. They rented a tent so a light rain would have been okay, but it was beautiful outside. The two bathrooms in my parents' home worked fine.

I really wish the bride and groom could stand up to the parents! But it sounds like they're just not at the point where they can do that comfortably. Maybe they could give them a choice? A small wedding with a dinner, or a bigger wedding with just cake. Hmmm. Or maybe they could do a nice dinner the night before the wedding with the wedding party and family, and that could count as the official dinner. Then do just cake at the actual wedding reception. They'd just need to make sure it was clear on the invitation, so that people don't come hungry and expect a full meal.

Crimson Wife · October 24, 2016

Potluck is tacky, tacky, tacky.

Cake and punch is all that is really necessary for a wedding reception. We went to several of those when we were an Army family.

shawthorne44 · October 24, 2016

Well, if the in-laws want to stick to tradition, then a cake/punch/mints reception in the church basement IS extremely traditional. If the in-laws want a meal provided, then they can provide whatever they want at the rehearsal dinner.

For the parents of the bride, they can't stand on tradition either. Either they host the wedding, or they don't. To bolster the couple, I'd state during any family discussion that the bride's parents are wanting the glory without providing the money or effort. I think asking many guests to potluck the wedding reception is tacky. But, if the parents of the couple want to self-cater the food, then that is fine.

Scarlett · October 24, 2016

Bride and groom better learn to stand up for themselves.

I had an organized covered dish for our reception.about 100 guests. About 15 of my close friends handled it. Something like Italian baked chicken, green bean, mashed potatoes, salad and rolls. But we rented a nice building....made for such events.

I think potluck for 200 in someone's back yard is not realistic.

marbel · October 24, 2016

I haven't read all the responses.

I've been to some potluck weddings that were handled well, but most are not and in general I think they are a bad idea. A potluck with an expectation that everyone brings enough for 50-75 people (did I get that right?) is ridiculous. I would not attend that wedding. (Maybe I misread and it's all guests combined bring enough for 50-75?)

But this whole thing makes me mad. These are adults getting married and paying for it themselves. They are the hosts. They come up with the guest list. That's it. Parents have no right to any expectations except as honored guests/participants. They don't get to call any shots.

So glad I am not in the wedding business because I guess I would be out of business quickly for telling my clients they are acting stupidly.

ETA: Agreeing with others that the couple needs to stand up to parents. I'll go so far to say that if they can't do this now, they are not ready / mature enough to be married. It's only going to get worse.

Edited October 24, 2016 by marbel

Bluegoat · October 24, 2016

I've seen weddings that large as potlucks, but that was the tradition in the community. I think one could look at tose kinds of community to see how to make it work, but for some people it just would not be possible. One thing that strikes me immediatly is they all had access to a hall.

I think they need to ignore the parents. What they want is no more possible than a gravity free wedding. So the couple need to scale down the list, the reception, or other costs, or some combination. Since they won't please the parents in any scenario I think they should do what they want - my first move would be to cut out non-family members who aren't important to them or very very close to the parents.

I've been to cake/punch receptions and they are lovely - IMO better than a poorly done meal. I also think its worthwhile o look at other things to save on as well, like the dress which can often be a large and not all tat useful expense.

Beth S · October 24, 2016

IMO, the wedding preparations are a rehearsal for the MARRIAGE.

If both sets of parents are making unreasonable, unfunded demands now, they will continue to make them after the marriage is official.

Yes, they should sit down with both sets of parents, and maybe a wise intermediary, to get an overview of the funding and the plan.

Wedding prep is just a crazy, crazy time, and is a time for the bride & groom to learn how to work together, how to make decisions together, how to become a unit.

They should not feel pressure to cede to the parents' wishes even if the parents were paying for the whole thing!

Just my 2 cents. Thankfully it's been a calm 3 years since I was a MOB. :)

ETA: Our dd & dsil's reception was self-catered, with half the food we provided, and half the food was voluntarily provided by friends who voluntarily offered to bring various side dishes (like fruit skewers, veggie tray), etc. We had literally 100 friends and family who did individual wedding tasks that they offered to do. We hosted 300 guests, of which 2/3rds was our church family. This is the routine way our church family helps the bride & groom.

The potluck idea seems like the guests are being compelled to bring random dishes, to feed a crowd . . . and doesn't seem logistically sound . . . even if you had 100% cooperation.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Beth S

FaithManor · October 24, 2016

Well, I agree with everyone. The parents should pay or shut up, or the couple should grow a spine and say NO WAY, or they should elope, or they should after growing a spine, say we will be hosting a small reception our guest list ONLY.

These kids are too sweet. Lovely people to get along with in every way, but yet it doesn't serve them well that they are a little too worried about making the unreasonable parents happy.

And they are a bit naive. She asked me about doing "hay bales" with maybe some cheap fabric over them instead of renting chairs. Uhm....$7.00 a bale currently and at two people per bale, you need 100 of these things. Ouch. She had no idea that chair would only be $1.00-1.50 a piece rented so long as the company does not have to do set up, and she uses the place within ten miles so there is no delivery fee.

I've seen the hay bale thing. I knew a couple who did one in a gorgeous, historical barn that is now a museum. They asked family members to bring quilts to lay over them. It was so neat. But it cost them $800.00 for the bales of hay.

FaithManor · October 24, 2016

IMO, the wedding preparations are a rehearsal for the MARRIAGE.

If both sets of parents are making unreasonable, unfunded demands now, they will continue to make them after the marriage is official.

Yes, they should sit down with both sets of parents, and maybe a wise intermediary, to get an overview of the funding and the plan.

Wedding prep is just a crazy, crazy time, and is a time for the bride & groom to learn how to work together, how to make decisions together, how to become a unit.

They should not feel pressure to cede to the parents' wishes even if the parents were paying for the whole thing!

Just my 2 cents. Thankfully it's been a calm 3 years since I was a MOB. :)

LOL, I was just thinking back to my MOB days. It was so much easier. I've coordinate about 9 weddings in three years as an event planner, and for the most part, except for one of them and my daughter's, the crazy from family was NUTS.

DD and I had it easy. His parents were out of state and laid back. Dh and I told her what the budget was, and then she and I sat down and worked out what was most important to them down to the least, prioritized, made some reasonable compromises, and got her done. It was a lovely wedding EXCEPT for the fact that the caterer shorted us on some food, and my paternal aunt who has dementia was there too long, really couldn't maintain, and had a brief meltdown on a couple of guests. Always something!

October 24, 2016

Potluck is tacky, tacky, tacky.

Cake and punch is all that is really necessary for a wedding reception. We went to several of those when we were an Army family.

I really hate that word. What is "tacky" in one community is expected behavior in another.

Valley Girl · October 24, 2016

I'm saying this with sympathy for the young couple because what their parents are demanding is not fair. That said, people who are old enough and responsible enough to marry need to learn (quickly!) how to say "I love you, Mom and Dad, but we simply cannot afford to host the kind of wedding you want us to plan. We need to go with something more modest that fits our budget." FTR, that's the same thing a young couple should be able to accept HEARING from their parents when necessary.

Pippen · October 24, 2016

We had a wedding of about 200 guests. Hosted at our church (Cheap venue since I was a former member and still volunteered there). Which was where the ceremony was. So we had a better kitchen. Held at 1p specifically to avoid catering a meal. So wedding and then a cake and appetizers (finger foods) reception, plus wedding punch to drink. NO ALCOHOL (didn't want to pay for it. Luckily his parents, whose side is more into alcohol, said nothing). No ice cream but a friend pushed me that I needed something more than just cake.

I was very lucky in parents and in-laws. My MIL was very upset that her mother could not attend (in a nursing home in Washington D.C.) but held her tongue at even asking that the wedding be videotaped because she knew we were on a limited budget. She was thrilled to discover we had a friend of the family who was going to record it and send out tapes to loved ones. Even though they were not professional quality, etc.

This also is what we did for a guest list of about 200 on a limited budget. Held the wedding at 2PM and mentioned cake and punch reception on the invites. We actually had cake, punch and finger foods, which included sandwiches on dollar size buns. It was much cheaper than a sit down meal, and pacified the family members who were complaining about us not feeding the guests.

I've been involved in a lot of potlucks, and unless the main dish is provided, very often there isn't enough food.

AmandaVT · October 24, 2016

I hope they are able to figure out a way to have the wedding they want.

My friend had a cake and champagne reception and it was great. No one minded or missed having a big meal.

SproutMamaK · October 24, 2016

I would be encouraging the couple and teaching them how to politely assert themselves. Repeat that other people do not get to make demands of their money, and that they should not start out their future by spending money they do not have. Encourage them to dream about what they would do for themselves if no one else got to make any demands of them. Help them by giving ideas of polite phrases they can use to tactfully rebuff their parents demands. The best possible outcome here is that they learn early how to stick up for their own needs.

TechWife · October 24, 2016

So I suggested that the day of the wedding, she hire just a small brunch for her and Z, the bridal party, and her closest relatives, then have the wedding at 1:30, reception at 2:30, and done by 5 pm. Advertise cake and ice cream only. Easy peasy. This couple simply can not afford to have food catered for 200. I also told her to have just a single, top tier decorated for the "cutting ceremony" since she kind of wants to do that. She is allergic to wheat so has to have GF and admits that most GF cakes are not very tasty, so small is good. Then just have the local bakery make some sheet cakes with a simple white on white border, and we can place fresh flowers or silks and ribbon on the cakes to make them pretty but no major expense in having decorated cakes. Ice Cream is always fun, and mother in law's big chest freezer can handle several gallons.

I think this is lovely!

Rosie_0801 · October 24, 2016

The last wedding of that size I went to was byo picnic. Everyone had a nice time.

StephanieZ · October 24, 2016

The parents are ridiculous. Hopefully, the bride and groom will figure that out!

That said, I've been to zillions of church potluck meals with 200+ people. The food was always great. We never got sick. They must not be that dangerous/terrible since loads of churches do them over and over. :) If one were to do a potluck, I'd imagine that many guests would go to great effort to bring a nice contribution. You don't need each person to bring a dish for 50 -- that'd be WAY more food than you need. I think it'd be fine. I'm sure local close friends and family will go all out to make a lot of some nice dish, and that'll make up for those who don't bring fancy stuff.

A friend once had a really awesome wedding for 150-200 and they had a local Mexican place cater trays of very simple but tasty enchiladas/whatever. I think they spent maybe $1000 on the food at most. It was casual but very fun and tasty. I bet this sort of thing could be found most places, and then you just need a couple volunteers to man the tables, etc. They had it at a nice ranch that belonged to friends (free) and it was great. I think the whole shindig probably cost less than 3-4k in today's money. It was lovely.

3 bathrooms would probably be fine. It's not like it's an event where most people will need the bathroom at the same time. 2 minutes each visit is 30 visits per hour per bathroom. I really think you'd be fine. We frequently have parties for 50-ish people, and no one has ever needed to even use any of our (many) bathrooms other than the one "guest" powder room. And I've never seen a line or anything like that.

So, anyway, I think a pot luck is fine, but I'd definitely want the parents/in-laws to get a grip.

Eloping is a really nice idea. Then they can let the in-laws (or whoever) host any parties they want to with their long lists of invitees.

mamiof5 · October 24, 2016

I'm along the lines of the ones who are getting married decide what would they like. Parents putting together guest list? No way. Hope the couple can find a happy medium. Choose the guests they'd like, and the type of reception they would like.

Harriet Vane · October 24, 2016

Honestly, growing a backbone and setting limits is what needs to happen (as we all agree)--so I would strongly push THERAPY for the couple. Not with a pastor a clergyman. Rather, get therapy with a licensed marriage therapist specifically for coaching in setting healthy boundaries as a married couple. It will be the best money they ever spent.

Mama Geek · October 24, 2016

Churches often do potlucks and everyone just brings something. It can work, however with all the other problems either they need to draw some boundaries or elope.

SparklyUnicorn · October 24, 2016

I really hate that word. What is "tacky" in one community is expected behavior in another.

or code for "I think you are white trash"

or whatever fun phrase you want to substitute

It's just not nice. I think the potluck idea is ok, but given the parameters just too complicated to pull off. Needlessly complicated....

Seasider · October 24, 2016

Punch and cake for a 2pm wedding should fit just about anyone's wedding budget.

Plan for what you can pay for. Period. If someone wants bigger and better they can fork up the cash up front.

Sorry, this is a hot button issue for me.

The Well-Trained Mind Extended Guide

Oh yes, another wedding question. This time it is the potluck reception. Update in post #127

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