Oh yes, another wedding question. This time it is the potluck reception. Update in post #127

[TammyS]

Can a big potluck be done?  Absolutely.  But not by the couple.  That's what a bevy of aunts and sisters are for.  If that's not available, then I think your suggestion is excellent.

 

But none of that is the real issue.  The real issue going forth is how they are going to set boundaries with their relationship and outsiders.  The families clearly have boundary issues, because the issue itself is simple: she who pays gets to decide - no one else even gets an opinion (at least not one that they allow to pass their lips).

 

If this is how the parents are acting about a wedding, heaven knows how they will act about lots of other things that will be way more important.

 

ETA: I also think if they do the cake reception, they should cut anyone from the list who is coming a distance.  It's not fair to ask people to travel and not even give them a meal.  People tend to forget, the reception is for the GUESTS, not for the couple.

Edited October 24, 2016 by TammyS

[madteaparty]

I cannot imagine a potluck wedding. Omg.

But I also can't imagine not being able to stand up to such absurd requests.

[whitestavern]

I completely agree with your take on the situation. Potluck for a small wedding, family that can't/don't want to pay, backyard type of affair, fine. Not in this case. They have to stand up to the parents and say no way. I like your idea of a coffee and cake type of reception.

[Artichoke]

I've been to a potluck wedding where the ladies of the church coordinated the wedding reception for a young couple where the groom was about to start medical school.  It was lovely.   I couldn't imagine taking on that amount of work as the bride.  A cake and punch reception sounds like the way to go.  

Edited June 12, 2017 by Artichoke

[Crimson Wife]

I cannot imagine a potluck wedding. Omg.

 

Exactly! Potlucks are for when there is no one host. Feeding the wedding guests is the responsibility of the wedding host, not the guests themselves. Self-catering with a few selected individuals voluntarily donating the food is fine. But that's not a potluck.

[Guest]

Here's an idea, depending on where the wedding will be held.  If it is in a church, there is probably a "hall" for receptions.  Wedding at 1:00.  Reception following afterward in hall.  Music on speakers managed by a friend who has a good Spotify playlist.  At 4:00 the bride and groom, and families and wedding party go to someone's house for a smaller invitation-only potluck reception.  Like 30-40 people, chosen by the bride and groom.  Bride's sister provides entertainment.  At 7:00, the bride and groom leave for honeymoon and don't have to care a fig about the rest of the reception.

 

At least that's what we did (with a record player as Spotify was pretty far into the future when we got married.)  And I would do it again.

 

I'm sorry this is how things are starting out for them.  The whole Wedding As A Big Show thing has gotten out of hand and it annoys me that someone thinks they can demand this of the couple; whether or not the demanders pay for it, is just wrong.  

 

 

 

[Greta]

As a guest, I would much rather attend a cake and punch reception than a potluck.

[gardenmom5]

The parents can’t have it both ways.  They can have a big shindig and pay for it themselves, or they can refuse to pay and everything be smaller. Fewer guests, smaller venue, less food. 

 

I have a friend whose son had voodoo (Portland bakery.) doughnuts as a wedding cake.  It was *extremely* casual, mostly family and close friends only.  I can see a potluck reception with only close friends.

You don’t have to feed the guests – wedding cake and punch is plenty.  (I understand the other – dh is obsessed with food and insisted on lots of food for dd.)

my neice had a backyard bbq months for *their* closest friends months after they actually got married.

 

These kids do need to learn to stand up to unreasonable parents – because if those parents get away with this – they will be telling them where to live, what kind of house to buy, when to have kids (and how many), how to educated them, etc. etc. Etc.

 

it's the advent of wedding magazines and the industry that started making people have to have some huge fairytale. . . . traditionally, the wedding was supposed to be within the family's income - not taking out a second mortgage.

 

  – I vote for telling the parents to shove-off.  (OR, they can fork out.)

[gardenmom5]

Here's an idea, depending on where the wedding will be held.  If it is in a church, there is probably a "hall" for receptions.  Wedding at 1:00.  Reception following afterward in hall.  Music on speakers managed by a friend who has a good Spotify playlist.  At 4:00 the bride and groom, and families and wedding party go to someone's house for a smaller invitation-only potluck reception.  Like 30-40 people, chosen by the bride and groom.  Bride's sister provides entertainment.  At 7:00, the bride and groom leave for honeymoon and don't have to care a fig about the rest of the reception.

 

At least that's what we did (with a record player as Spotify was pretty far into the future when we got married.)  And I would do it again.

 

I'm sorry this is how things are starting out for them.  The whole Wedding As A Big Show thing has gotten out of hand and it annoys me that someone thinks they can demand this of the couple; whether or not the demanders pay for it, is just wrong.  

 

youtube has lots of wedding music playlists.

[HS Mom in NC]

We wanted small wedding but my mother went nuts and wanted a big one.  I wanted to elope from the get go because I hate everything about weddings-I'm allergic to froof and fuss but husband really wanted a wedding. My mother couldn't keep the guest list down to fit our idea of a small, intimate wedding, so we forced the issue.  We moved it up to 10 days notice by phone from 3 months out and changed the venue to my MIL's house that fit exactly 45 chairs instead of the church that could seat 250.

We had a short wedding ceremony and served cake, fruit, punch and coffee.  Done and done.

Everyone other than one bride's maid was local and the bridesmaid flew in a couple of days before.

Large scale potlucks are a logistical nightmare.

I'm around the no debt by conviction crowd and have attended a few of their weddings.  When you don't provide a meal you can spring for a higher end cake, elegant appetizers and champagne.

[HomeAgain]

I have helped with the logistics of potluck weddings.

 

First, it's not a guest thing.  It's a bridal party/family/close intimate friend thing.  A group of 10-20 should be willing to gather and provide food, better yet if it is done as a gift with a recipe card attached.  A few of the group should be willing to handle the food before the ceremony and set up warming stations if needed after the ceremony.

 

I would absolutely not mind attending a wedding that is potluck for all, but it can be a logistical nightmare. 

[ktgrok]

If they want "fancier" than cake and ice cream, a dessert buffett is en vogue right now, isn't it? Pretty jars of candy (from the dollar store), ice cream, cake, etc. 

 

Or if you want more "elegant" do it in the evening, AFTER dinner, with again, dessert buffett, twinkle lights on things to make it fancy, etc. 

 

But they need to NOT cave on this. 

[wendy not in HI]

We put on a very simple wedding for dd this summer.  The food is not the only expensive part (and we did a very casual sandwich spread.)  Seriously!  Everything is expensive!!  If possible, they should start paying for things now, to spread out the hurt :/   Her dress.  His suit/shoes/tie.  Ties for the groomsmen.  Bridesmaid dresses.  Anything they can start buying now... They can buy christmas lights after christmas to decorate with.  They can start watching Craigslist for table cloths and centerpieces.  They can comb thrift stores for decorations.  They can start asking around about friends who are starting out in photography, or start making payments to the photographer.

 

Renting chairs and tables isn't terrible, but it really adds up when you add in table cloths.  It can almost be cheaper to go with a venue that provides table/chairs/table cloths/cake/kitchen.  Or find a local church gym where there are tables and chairs they can use for free.  

 

I think a dessert only reception can be really nice.  They just need to time it right - either at about 3pm or 7pm.  For my dd, she ordered a small round cake for them to cut, then we baked lots and lots of cupcakes.  We baked them the day before and frosted them the night before.  The baking took just a couple hours and the frosting was really fast with those big tips.  That was actually a really fun thing to do.  

 

I hope she can decide what she wants and have the courage to stick with it, even when it goes against her parents' and in laws wishes!!

 

eta - we rented a "block rocker" and one of the brother-in-laws played DJ with a spotify playlist that dd and her dh put together.  There was lots of dancing - my favorite part of the night!!

Edited October 25, 2016 by wendy not in HI

[TammyS]

Here's an idea, depending on where the wedding will be held.  If it is in a church, there is probably a "hall" for receptions.  Wedding at 1:00.  Reception following afterward in hall.  Music on speakers managed by a friend who has a good Spotify playlist.  At 4:00 the bride and groom, and families and wedding party go to someone's house for a smaller invitation-only potluck reception.  Like 30-40 people, chosen by the bride and groom.  Bride's sister provides entertainment.  At 7:00, the bride and groom leave for honeymoon and don't have to care a fig about the rest of the reception.

 

 

 

I would think splitting part of the people off to another party would be REALLY rude.

[ktgrok]

I would think splitting part of the people off to another party would be REALLY rude.

 

Depends how it is done. If it's not really advertised, and it's just immediate family, it would work. 

 

After my first wedding and small reception my husband and I and a few friends went back to our apartment and ordered pizza and opened gifts and hung out. 

[TammyS]

Depends how it is done. If it's not really advertised, and it's just immediate family, it would work. 

 

After my first wedding and small reception my husband and I and a few friends went back to our apartment and ordered pizza and opened gifts and hung out. 

 

Yeah, but a few friends going back to your place and having pizza is not the same thing as a second party where 30-40 are invited.  Advertised or not, people are going to know.  

[Janie Grace]

If it's a potluck, why would each person need to bring enough to feed 50-75 people??? Wouldn't that result in way too much food?

 

I think they need to stand up to their parents. Food isn't just going to materialize, and I would hate to have to bring food to a wedding. Knowing myself, I am almost 100% guaranteed to spill it on myself during transportation. Cake and punch or elope. 

[DawnM]

Ok, this is what I did for my parent's 50th Wedding Anniversary.

 

I ordered from Sam's Club:  They have party trays of sandwiches, fruit and cheese, veggies and dip, etc....and then I got potato salad, potato chips, mixed nuts, mints.

 

FINGER FOODS!

 

They also make a very nice sheet cake for very cheap.  

 

I fed 75 people for under $200, including drinks and cake.

 

I bet she could do it for $500 and have some close friends or relatives offer to come help.  

 

Tell her to look on CL for used Bridal and Wedding decor (centerpieces, tablecloths, etc....) I often find them pretty cheap.  If not, I have a few other ideas for that.  

 

it can be very elegant, even on a budget.  

 

Does she have to have alcohol?  We didn't at our wedding, so just curious.

[mom2samlibby]

Please, no potluck.  That's rude for a guest and sounds like a nightmare.  

 

I'd either do a 2 pm wedding with cake following or an early morning one followed by a small brunch.  

[heartlikealion]

As a guest, I would much rather attend a cake and punch reception than a potluck.

 

Agree.

 

People might already feel obligated to buy a gift (I don't care if gifts are never supposed to be "expected" this is how many people think) and then to add a potluck dish on top of that makes it a bit of a burden to attend.

 

As a guest I wouldn't know the logistics of the place probably. I wouldn't know how many outlets are available for crockpots, how long the service will be and how long the food will need to stay hot/cold. It would stress me out as the bride. As a guest I could probably just pick an item that doesn't spoil easily, but still it seems like unnecessary stress on everyone.

 

I don't know how most guests are, but we had a few that didn't even stay for our reception and we supplied food. I don't know if that would make guests feel awkward to show up without a dish if they couldn't stay (as in, feeling awkward if people see them arrive empty handed). This is just a thought that crossed my mind, probably wouldn't matter.

 

If I was serious about keeping all 200 guests I would do cake/punch or follow some tips from DawnM's post.

 

I have helped with the logistics of potluck weddings.

 

First, it's not a guest thing.  It's a bridal party/family/close intimate friend thing.  A group of 10-20 should be willing to gather and provide food, better yet if it is done as a gift with a recipe card attached.  A few of the group should be willing to handle the food before the ceremony and set up warming stations if needed after the ceremony.

 

I would absolutely not mind attending a wedding that is potluck for all, but it can be a logistical nightmare. 

 

Are you talking about in your experience only? Because I think the OP said the bride was being urged to ask all guests to bring something.

[Renthead Mommy]

I just finished cooking dinner for three so was thinking of this thread. If I had to cook food, aftr getting a mani/pedi, and having to do my hair, and then dress up, and move hot food, while in good clothes, it wouldn't go well. I would be paranoid of getting stuff on me while transporting. I also don't cook. So I would be less inclined at that point to even try and I would probably end up getting something premade. Like a rotisseri chicken. Or a couple of cans. of cranberry sauce. Or a cut up watermelon.

 

So I would be above rolls and beernut boys, but not by much...

[catz]

A potluck wedding might be kind of sweet for a group of like less than 30 of your very nearest and dearest at a very casual and local event.  For 200 - I cannot imagine it.  Gross and rude for a group of that size.

 

OP - you sound like the only sane person in the bunch.  How do these parents get off saying ANYTHING without having a penny to pitch in.  Nuts.  Eloping sounds awesome.  They should do that.

Edited October 25, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Guest]

I would think splitting part of the people off to another party would be REALLY rude.

It was after 3 hours of reception time at the church. We2 talked for a long time to everyone and we2, the newlyweds, were the last ones to leave the church except for the custodian. No one outside the short list knew about the after-reception.

 

People still talked to us five years later about what a great time we had at our very simple but personal reception for 250. It became the model for our church for many years to come. Apparently we managed not to give offense.

 

I'm snippy in this response--and I know it. My response here is a lot ruder than our wedding day plans were. Maybe ya had to be there.

[ktgrok]

Yeah, but a few friends going back to your place and having pizza is not the same thing as a second party where 30-40 are invited.  Advertised or not, people are going to know.  

 

Good point! I missed the numbers being discussed. If it was say, just immediate family and wedding party, I think it would be okay. Or just young friends, or whatever. But that many, no, that would cause issues. 

[Amber in SJ]

My dd just got married in May.  There was no way we could afford a full dinner for the 250-300 that were expected to come to the reception.  We ordered a tiny but beautiful cake for the cutting and everyone else got Costco sheet cake (if you can order it frosted in a grid with a tiny white rosebud on each piece & no guessing on how to cut it.)  We had several different kinds of pie because the bride doesn't actually like cake.  She wanted pie.  Big bowls of strawberries & raspberries.  Madelines & truffles & mini eclairs on tiered trays.  One dispenser of lemonade with raspberries floating in it & one dispenser of water with lemon slices in it.  We asked our 13 yo dd  & some of her friends to watch the serving platters & when one was empty (or almost empty) into the kitchen it went & out came an identical one.  One little friend watched the drink dispensers & one watched the garbage cans.  
 
For months (months!) we combed thrift stores for little bottles & vases, candle lanterns, pie stands & servers.  One morning we spent in the used book store removing covers from old, old hardbacks to find the colors we wanted until we had 30 for $.25-$.50 each.  Then we painted the spines one of her wedding colors & wrote on the spines the names of the bride & groom or the wedding date.  These were so pretty stacked on the tables with flowers in bottles & vases, and it was cheap.
 
I would go the dessert route.  It is very in right now.  "Love is Sweet!" banners are everywhere.  It can be done, but it should be what the bride & groom want, not the expectations of someone who is not paying for anything.
 
My dd found the bridesmaids dresses at Costco, if you can believe it.  She wore her sister's bridesmaid dress for the engagement pictures.  She used a coupon from Shutterfly to make a beautiful photo book of the two of them interspersed with blank pages for the guest book.  She used one of the engagement pics to design the invitations from Shutterfly and she tried to use a photo of each wedding guest at the wedding for the Thank You cards.
 
There are ways to bring down the costs but it is still incredibly expensive and it takes work!
 
 
Amber in SJ

 

PS I would totally post a picture of a Costco bridesmaid dress if I knew how to add a picture.  Alas, I am technologically inept :)

[Guest]

The bride and groom and families should do what they can comfortably afford. No more.

 

Cake sounds lovely. No one cares after the fact that they just got cake instead of a full meal. No one even remembers, down the road.

Make sure the venue will permit a pot luck. It probably will, but you had better check.

I agree with the others that say that if you aren't paying, you have no say in how people will be fed.

I've never been to one I didn't enjoy that was just cake and punch. It is no less lovely or memorable, and oftentimes preferable for people like me who don't want to socialize for hours on end and be stuck with allergies and a limited menu (catered) or possibly dangerous food items mislabeled or mixed (potluck).

 

They need to put their foot down stat.

.

[kroe1]

Destination wedding. It is a way to have a wedding by not paying much more than the cost of a honeymoon. And it automatically lowers a 200 count guest list to about 10.

[ErinE]

I'd give the couple $500 cash and tell them to freaking elope and get the heck away from their insane families.

 

I had a big wedding. We paid for it ourselves. It was lovely, nothing went wrong, and DH and I had fun. Everyone we spoke with told us how much fun they had.

 

I tell all newly engaged people to elope and host a party after they get back.

[Melissa in Australia]

I had a pot luck wedding.

 

My parents provided a pig on a spit and some roasted chicken. All local guests brought a plate. Some were asked to bring a salad and some to bring a desert. The few guests who traveled a long way were not asked to bring anything. There was no alcohol.

There was 75 people

 

 

Of all the weddings I have attended the majority have been some form of potluck.

[heartlikealion]

Yes, there are ways to save money. Small wedding party is one that comes to mind. I'm not sure if the family members would chip in for the rehearsal dinner so might as well keep things simple and small.

 

I had a pot luck wedding.

My parents provided a pig on a spit and some roasted chicken. All local guests brought a plate. Some were asked to bring a salad and some to bring a desert. The few guests who traveled a long way were not asked to bring anything. There was no alcohol.
There was 75 people


Of all the weddings I have attended the majority have been some form of potluck.

 

Sounds like you provided main meal. In this scenario, I was under the impression there was no main course, just whatever people brought. I mean, I guess the bride and groom may be planning on supplying some food but I don't think enough to cover everyone's main dish.

[G5052]

Locally sometimes they do a hybrid where the couple pays for barbeque (shredded pork and chicken with buns and fixings) and then the guests bring sides.

 

I went to one last fall where the bride's Bible study handled the barbeque, and they used online signup among other close friends to bring sides and drinks that could serve 20. The bride and groom (second marriage BTW) decorated the outdoor pavillion and paid for the cake, decorations, and plates and such. I think there were about 150.

[Bluegoat]

Exactly! Potlucks are for when there is no one host. Feeding the wedding guests is the responsibility of the wedding host, not the guests themselves. Self-catering with a few selected individuals voluntarily donating the food is fine. But that's not a potluck.

 

This is the expectation in some places, and I agree a potluck for people in that kind of situation, if they weren't fairly close, might be a bad idea.

 

However, you really cannot make a blanket statement about this.  I used to live next to a large community where every wedding included every member of the community, and they were all potluck - it was organized by family members and everyone elped out.  And not just with the wedding but setting the couple up in a home with the basics as well.

 

It wasn't tacky, it was very practical, loving, community-spirited, and had a very close eye on what the point of the wedding was, which was to be the beginning of a new family that had a good chance of sucess because it was truly supported by the community.

[Guest]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

[tm919]

Cake and punch sounds amazing. A potluck sounds like wedding hell to pull off.

 

I will say that though it depends on social circles and region of the country. My cousins from the South NEVER had dinners at their weddings, and no one they knew did, either. They just had nicely served appetizers and cake. First one that got married, we were so confused... and hungry by the end of the night! If potlucks are a thing where they are, it might work. 

 

[marbel]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

 

Is this really a potluck, though?  Are the little old ladies of the church bringing all the food, or are other guests bringing some of it?    I assume the little old ladies of the church aren't the only guests.   :-)      This sounds more like a catered meal, except that the caterers are not professional and not paid.    Maybe I don't have the picture right, though.

[marbel]

Cake and punch sounds amazing. A potluck sounds like wedding hell to pull off.

 

I will say that though it depends on social circles and region of the country. My cousins from the South NEVER had dinners at their weddings, and no one they knew did, either. They just had nicely served appetizers and cake. First one that got married, we were so confused... and hungry by the end of the night! If potlucks are a thing where they are, it might work. 

 

The wedding invitation didn't indicate what type of reception it was?  Was it over a typical meal time?  Were the appetizers heavy enough that they could stand in for a meal?    

[Guest]

Is this really a potluck, though? Are the little old ladies of the church bringing all the food, or are other guests bringing some of it? I assume the little old ladies of the church aren't the only guests. :-) This sounds more like a catered meal, except that the caterers are not professional and not paid. Maybe I don't have the picture right, though.

The little old ladies bring all the food; guests bring none. The little old ladies flitter around during the reception making sure everything is running smoothly. They aren't on the guest list. It's part of the ministry they do within the church. The church's wedding coordinator makes sure everyone brings different dishes, or specific preferences, or whatever. It usually turns out to be a whole bunch of casseroles, salads, rolls, etc.

[FaithManor]

Kinsa, around here churches do not have event coordinators nor do they provide food for events. This tri county area is very rural, very low income so churches are not flush.with money. On top of which there is not a single one that allows non-members to use.the facilities for events. This couple is not attending church at this time. So a church wedding is not an option. Additionally, there is not a single hall that can seat 200 due to tight fire codes. So their only options are four golf courses in the area with restaurant/conference facilities. These run $16.95 - 29.95 per head plus $500 for facility rental. The cheapest option for 200 guests is $3900.00. I know this because of the difficulty in pulling together this past Aug. 27th wedding for 212 guests.

 

So this is why the beautiful backyard of the inlaws was chosen. What really needs to happen is that the guest list be cut to 50 which is a number that could be accommodated with catering, parking, chair and table rental with a back up deposit placed at the one restaurant with a conference room. For the ceremony in the event of bad weather, their only option would be either in the conference room with guests srated at the tables or going to the courthouse the day before if weather predictions look bad, getting married in the magistrate's chambers, and having photos on the courthouse steps and lawn. (It is a gorgeous, ornate old building so not an awful plan). If they hire that restaurant for the food, then they can have outdoors or indoor in their conference room no worries.

 

OR..

 

The inlaws need to suck it up and pay the $3900 for the big reception at the golf course.

 

Now the only question becomes how to get them all to see reason. If they won't hear the message, than I am going to extricate myself from helping, and show up on the day as a guest who has eaten ahead of time, watch the ceremony, greet the couple, leave a presen on the table, and then flee so I don't get roped into problem solving during the inevitable disaster. As my husband says, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

[BlsdMama]

Okay, so niece is getting married in June, and the parents are not helping with expenses but expect a big wedding anyway. That is problem number one. Parents who want their kids to have expensive weddings should pay for them. If not paying, no say in the event. That's my look out anyway after years of doing event planning and watching brides and grooms twist themselves into knots making relatives happy while watching money disappear like water over Niagara Falls.

 

She is sweet, he is sweet, they will cave. I know they will. The parents have come up with a combined guest list of 200 people and she has no idea how they can feed them all. So some of her friends told her to have a potluck reception, bring food in lieu of presents or at least for say 50 -75 guests. Her soon to be mother in law went off on her about how tacky and embarrassing this is.

 

Sigh....

 

So first off. Where do you land on the idea? I am generally not pro this kind of thing because the first issue is that some municipalities and counties have ordinances against gatherings of that size being "private" so one can end up in a truck load of trouble over providing hot food items without a license. The second issue is it is quite an added burden to the couple to keep track of who is bringing what. Third is that you have to arrange for reliable people to organize the food, get it out, put ice in the containers that must be kept cold, keep appropriate heat for those that must remain above a certain heat level in order to remain safe, etc. It is easy to do for 50 people, not easy for 200 and have it all ready at one time, in the mother in law's backyard with only two regular size refrigerators to use, and limited roasting pans and crock pots to borrow. Fourth issue is for a lot of guests if they are traveling more than 30 miles, bringing food can be a problem, for those staying in hotels, not doable.  Don't know about you, but I don't want Uncle Bob's potato salad riding in his old, unairconditioned pick up truck for forty five minutes in 85 degree weather. (And literally, there is an Uncle Bob who wants to do exactly this!) Fifth clean up. Are you really going to ask people to bring food to your reception and then NOT wash up their bowls/trays and serving utensils? Who is going to be in charge of stacking all these dirty things if they aren't going to be washed, and if they are, that is a major tall task and again not a commercial kitchen so one small kitchen sink and limited counter space to work with....and who wants to spend the reception cleaning up instead of enjoying the party?

 

I can so see this being okay for the family, close friends only backyard barbecue with a small number of people to coordinate. I just can't see this for 200. 

 

So I suggested that the day of the wedding, she hire just a small brunch for her and Z, the bridal party, and her closest relatives, then have the wedding at 1:30, reception at 2:30, and done by 5 pm. Advertise cake and ice cream only. Easy peasy. This couple simply can not afford to have food catered for 200. I also told her to have just a single, top tier decorated for the "cutting ceremony" since she kind of wants to do that. She is allergic to wheat so has to have GF and admits that most GF cakes are not very tasty, so small is good. Then just have the local bakery make some sheet cakes with a simple white on white border, and we can place fresh flowers or silks and ribbon on the cakes to make them pretty but no major expense in having decorated cakes. Ice Cream is always fun, and mother in law's big chest freezer can handle several gallons.

 

It is cheap, festive, and acceptable.

 

Mother in law and now mother are having a cow. Mom and dad themselves can't contribute. My brother had a stroke and they are living on 60% of his normal pay while he recovers - thankfully they had that insurance or they'd be in a world of hurt. But I think it is ridiculous for them to take this attitude with their daughter when they are not contributing anything. As for the in laws? GAH! On the one hand they love her dearly, and treat niece very very well on other issues. But this is an only child for them so they always dreamed of this crazy big, elaborate wedding for him, but with the traditional viewpoint that the only thing they have to contribute is paying for his suit and rehearsal dinner. 

 

At any rate, I am now on the naughty list with the new in-laws for suggesting the cake/ice cream reception. I have to check with the municipality to see if they can even have a potluck reception outdoors in the residential area for 200 without risking a police officer crashing the reception on complaints of the neighbors.

 

By the way, the added wrinkle is that while the inlaws back yard is lovely, really lovely, three bathrooms probably isn't enough, and no one wants to pay for porta potties, AND even worse, I am not certain that 200 chairs can be put out there in any configuration that will allow the majority of guests to even see. But niece insists because the "venue" is free. Sigh...I can't fault her for that.

 

What says the great Hive?

 

 

Well this worker bee says it's a bunch of hooha for anyone to have expectations of anything if they aren't footing the bill.  So, whether it's you'll go to THIS college,  have THIS wedding, etc., unless you're paying for it, zip the lip.

[marbel]

The little old ladies bring all the food; guests bring none. The little old ladies flitter around during the reception making sure everything is running smoothly. They aren't on the guest list. It's part of the ministry they do within the church. The church's wedding coordinator makes sure everyone brings different dishes, or specific preferences, or whatever. It usually turns out to be a whole bunch of casseroles, salads, rolls, etc.

 

That sounds really nice!    But it's not a potluck the way most people think of one.  :-)

Edited October 25, 2016 by marbel

[tm919]

The wedding invitation didn't indicate what type of reception it was?  Was it over a typical meal time?  Were the appetizers heavy enough that they could stand in for a meal?    

It was from 12-4 and nothing on the invite to indicate no meal. The appetizers couldn't be a meal, actually they were only out for half the time and we didn't eat them.. because we thought a meal was happening. But it didn't confuse anyone from the local social circles because it was expected that a wedding at that time wouldn't include a meal. To me 12-4 means you are feeding me lunch. But I think it's just an example of how every group of people has a different way of doing things, and weddings have a way of bringing out conflicts in expectations!

[liber]

I was at a potluck reception. It was quite lovely. The couple rented the hall that had kitchen facilities(they also got married in the hall). Mother of the groom coordinated it all. She had some ladies from church help organize the food and cleanup. Only local people brought food. There were about a hundred guests. The food was excellent. At the end of the night a lot of family and friends helped clean up. The couple was married in a small northern community and with everyone pitching in to help it was really nice.

[Innisfree]

I think this is not really a problem about a wedding. It's really a problem about expectations, communication, and especially boundaries and maturity. The boundaries-and-maturity issue is just hiding out in the underbrush of the wedding forest.

 

If I were advising the young couple, I'd (kindly, gently, but clearly) point this out. Getting married is an adult activity. They may not be accustomed to assuming the roles of full adults in interactions with their parents, but it is time to start.

 

"Sweetness" isn't a positive trait if it means they can't enforce reasonable limits. They have financial limits and responsibilities, and handling those well is a good start to a mature life together. They can be kind to their parents, and polite, and sympathize that the wedding the parents would like is not possible, while still firmly holding their own, affordable, reasonable boundaries.

 

If they aren't able to do this, I'd be concerned about their readiness to handle other issues which the future will bring soon enough.

[poppy]

Destination wedding. It is a way to have a wedding by not paying much more than the cost of a honeymoon. And it automatically lowers a 200 count guest list to about 10.

Eloping is cheap . Destination weddings sure aren't, unless you stay cheap and fairly local. Ones I've been to aware of are typically Disney or on Caribbean Islands. Some more exotic.

[KungFuPanda]

With a backyard venue and limited bathrooms, they'd BETTER go cake and punch and push people out the door. The adults with money can go out to dinner once the bride and groom have taken off. The parents need to back off or pay to cater the thing at a venue that will hold that many people. I mean, what if it rains or gets cold?

[luuknam]

Eloping is cheap . Destination weddings sure aren't, unless you stay cheap and fairly local.

 

But if you stay fairly local, the 'destination' wedding wouldn't have the desired effect PP mentioned of cutting the guest list way down. If you go to the Caribbean (or w/e), a lot fewer people might show up.

 

ETA: I agree a destination wedding isn't cheap. Though *if* you were going to go on a honeymoon to the Caribbean or something anyway, then it could make sense financially.

Edited October 25, 2016 by luuknam

[FaithManor]

But if you stay fairly local, the 'destination' wedding wouldn't have the desired effect PP mentioned of cutting the guest list way down. If you go to the Caribbean (or w/e), a lot fewer people might show up.

Exactly, if you don't go far enough away to automatically keep the attendance low, then you have to make the guest list tiny since most people would be able to attend which tends to mean that the cousins or your parents' best friends or whomever would normally expect an invitation get their tails in a twist because you married "local" and didn't invite them.

 

I'm telling you, weddings bring out the worst, the absolute worst in people. It is so sad. They should be joy filled occasions without all the angst. I do think that this is because people have lost sight of what is important. I will say this though, in my area of lower income, rural nothing ever happens, and the only sit down restaurants are usually a few pizza places with some tables and chairs, I believe weddings represent to people a much bigger social outing than they should. They hope for, and are willing to demand, high end food, gorgeous elaborate settings, etc. because this the only time of the year that they will have a chance to be a part of something pretty and not fast food, fried chicken, kind of fare. As one person told me, "The only time I ever get to dress up and dance is when I attend a wedding, so if I know someone and don't get invited, I get mad."

 

Could be that this is what inspires the snark.

[BlsdMama]

I'll say that our family Easter, Christmas, Thanksgivings, regularly had about 100 people growing up.  (Each of my parents had 10 brothers and sisters.)

We held those in a community room.  The hams and turkeys were pre-made, pre-sliced, and put into roasters.  Then the potatoes were pre-made, as were veggies.  Put them in crockpots.  Rolls to the side.

 

So while I can't imagine this with 200+, I do wonder if it would work.  It would not require a potluck, just a fairbit of pre-making.  But, thinking ahead, before Thanksgiving is a great time to stock up on hams & turkeys and put them in the freezer. :)  Potatoes are inexpensive as are veggies for sides and rolls.  The savings on this could pay for someone to make sure everything was properly heated at the reception and then hire a few young teens to stand behind the serving tables and serve.  Cake could be the only dessert. 

 

I suspect it's doable, it's just a little intense with the prep work, kwim?

[HS Mom in NC]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

 

Most churches around here don't have wedding coordinators.  Many don't have a facility for serving food to such a large group.

 

Fewer and fewer Christians I know are getting married in churches.  The trend has been to have the wedding itself where the reception and photos are going to be to save everyone the hassle of moving from location to another.

[poppy]

I'll say that our family Easter, Christmas, Thanksgivings, regularly had about 100 people growing up. (Each of my parents had 10 brothers and sisters.)

We held those in a community room. The hams and turkeys were pre-made, pre-sliced, and put into roasters. Then the potatoes were pre-made, as were veggies. Put them in crockpots. Rolls to the side.

 

So while I can't imagine this with 200+, I do wonder if it would work. It would not require a potluck, just a fairbit of pre-making. But, thinking ahead, before Thanksgiving is a great time to stock up on hams & turkeys and put them in the freezer. :) Potatoes are inexpensive as are veggies for sides and rolls. The savings on this could pay for someone to make sure everything was properly heated at the reception and then hire a few young teens to stand behind the serving tables and serve. Cake could be the only dessert.

 

I suspect it's doable, it's just a little intense with the prep work, kwim?

I grew up with big gatherings like that and it totally works if everyone's used to it - but - it's unlikely both the bride and grooms side are accustomed to such 'make 6 dozen ' style potluck s . And it's really not a fair think to ask , at a big wedding, for one side to cater the other.

 

I think a small potluck wedding could be charming, but a big potluck wedding would be very rude.