Oh yes, another wedding question. This time it is the potluck reception. Update in post #127

[ktgrok]

I'll say that our family Easter, Christmas, Thanksgivings, regularly had about 100 people growing up.  (Each of my parents had 10 brothers and sisters.)

We held those in a community room.  The hams and turkeys were pre-made, pre-sliced, and put into roasters.  Then the potatoes were pre-made, as were veggies.  Put them in crockpots.  Rolls to the side.

 

So while I can't imagine this with 200+, I do wonder if it would work.  It would not require a potluck, just a fairbit of pre-making.  But, thinking ahead, before Thanksgiving is a great time to stock up on hams & turkeys and put them in the freezer. :)  Potatoes are inexpensive as are veggies for sides and rolls.  The savings on this could pay for someone to make sure everything was properly heated at the reception and then hire a few young teens to stand behind the serving tables and serve.  Cake could be the only dessert. 

 

I suspect it's doable, it's just a little intense with the prep work, kwim?

 

I actually heavily considered doing this, with hams, for a Christmas themed wedding. 

SaveSave

[TammyS]

 They hope for, and are willing to demand, high end food, gorgeous elaborate settings, etc. because this the only time of the year that they will have a chance to be a part of something pretty and not fast food, fried chicken, kind of fare. As one person told me, "The only time I ever get to dress up and dance is when I attend a wedding, so if I know someone and don't get invited, I get mad."

 

Could be that this is what inspires the snark.

 

Which is all doable, but you need people who can work as a team and are willing to help, for a long way out.  I know of a wedding done very cheaply, where there were about 350 (this sounds like a lot, but we are talking large Catholic families, the bride was 1 of 11 the groom was 1 of 14....so a lot of the guests were kids).  But it required a long range plan.  The girls all went shopping for months to look for cheap, nice dresses, tableware, etc. etc., one sister planted all of the flowers and did the arrangements, another did everyone's hair, some male relative cooked a bunch of animals (like whole pigs, etc), some other relative brought event tents (because there are so many big weddings in this community, someone figured out how to purchase them relatively cheaply).  What stands out to me about this community is 3 things:

 

1. every wedding has a definite "host" (usually parents of the bride, but sometimes the couple) and the host makes all of the ultimate decisions, and no one thinks they have a right to demand squat

 

2. the couple is clear that the reception is for their guests, not them, so while their preferences are taken into account, their preferences are not the most important factor

 

3. while they are human, and therefore they have conflicts, in the end everyone helps

[Guest]

The little old ladies bring all the food; guests bring none. The little old ladies flitter around during the reception making sure everything is running smoothly. They aren't on the guest list. It's part of the ministry they do within the church. The church's wedding coordinator makes sure everyone brings different dishes, or specific preferences, or whatever. It usually turns out to be a whole bunch of casseroles, salads, rolls, etc.

Our church had this but for funerals. Let me tell you, do not get in the way of the funeral ladies!!

[Guest]

I think you are spot on with your observation of people wanting a nice evening out, dinner dance amongst friends...here the open bar is the attraction. The library friends here do dinner dances as fundraisers, but with the hall cost plus catering its tough to keep the ticket price affordable.

 

If I had to do it over, I would have cake and punch in the church hall, after a dinner out the evening before with parents and wedding party. All relatives, old and young could be there for the reception, dance if they want.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[Seasider]

Destination wedding. It is a way to have a wedding by not paying much more than the cost of a honeymoon. And it automatically lowers a 200 count guest list to about 10.

Oh my goodness this is my other hot button wedding issue. Elopement would be way better for this poor couple who are already being badgered by their families. I can't imagine it would be a good idea to add in travel planning on a zero budget and then have the pestersome folks along on the honeymoon, too.

 

(Sorry minnewannabe, resort weddings may be a good idea for a rare couple but I can't see it as a good solution here.)

[heartlikealion]

I've never heard of a wedding coordinator at church. I don't know if it's a religious thing (depending on denomination) or regional or what. Just not familiar with that. We did get married in a church and had the reception next door in the hall and some people still couldn't make it to the reception lol. I guess the wedding was too long for them or they had other plans or whatever.

 

Regarding moving from one location to another, yes, I agree it's a bit of a hassle. I actually got lost to my best friend's reception. My son was the ring bearer. My GPS was taking me the wrong place and I missed the little landmark sign thingy she had put out so ds and I arrived late. Dh drove separately as he was helping in the kitchen. I am assuming I tried to call and he didn't pick up or I had bad cell coverage out there.
 

[FaithManor]

Most churches around here don't have wedding coordinators.  Many don't have a facility for serving food to such a large group.

 

Fewer and fewer Christians I know are getting married in churches.  The trend has been to have the wedding itself where the reception and photos are going to be to save everyone the hassle of moving from location to another.

Very true in our area. My parents' church is the only one in the entire county with a fellowship and hall and kitchen big enough to do 200 people. On top of that, they now require that the bride and groom be full members (both) and regular attenders as well in order to use the facility even if it was the church they grew up in and then went a way to college or jobs, and if one of the couple has parents who are still members. In addition, their pastor doesn't even like to do weddings. He doesn't like a summer filled with Friday nights and Saturdays doing these events, so he is not an encouraging person to ask about having a wedding at that church even if one meets the requirements.

 

For the wedding I did Aug. 27th:

 

Parents members of the church, young couple college students so not regular attendees therefore disqualified from using the church.

 

So, $16.95 per person, 212 people is what they ended up paying for, and $500.00 to rent the golf course facilities. $4093.40

 

This included tablecloths, the room lit with twinkle lights. 

 

Wedding cake was the only dessert - they went very simple, mega simple, so paid $2.00 per slice so roughly $400.00. In this area, there are so few bakeries (ie. very little competition), sheet cakes are $1.75 a slice so they splurged the other $0.25 to have a very simply decorated layer cake.

 

Groom's sister took the photos - she had a professional photography business before taking time off for pregnancy and babies. Free. Yay for them! That's not something most couples have.

 

Since the room was too packed to have the reception and ceremony in one place, too stormy to have outdoors, use of a church nearby with enough seating and willing to make an exception because the pastor is also the bride's uncle - $250.00.

 

Bride's dress - $206.00 on the clearance rack, and $100.00 in alterations. $306.00.

 

Groom was the only one to wear a suit. Purchased by his parents. Groomsmen wore black pants, white shirts, and ties - ties provided by bride's family so they all matched. I think she paid about $30.00 each. $90.00

 

Hair for mother of the bride, bride, and three bridesmaids - $45.00 each $225.00. No one had professional nails or make up done due to expense.

 

Rehearsal dinner - paid for by groom's parents, and catered. No idea what the cost was. It was held at their house.

 

Flowers? Since this was the daughter of my best friend in the whole world, I used some of the proceeds of the wedding I was paid to coordinate back in April, to buy the silks, and provided ALL of the bridal party flowers as well as table centerpieces. I bought a TON from Michael's on clearance, and at the Hobby Lobby 50% off floral sale. Despite my thriftiness, it still cost $400.00. But the tables were beautiful, and that included live baby's breath submerged in candle jars with floating candles on top, nestled in groups of three on gold charger plates (Dollar Store...heads up...Dollar Tree specifically has the gold charger plates for a dollar a piece, and the candle jars in graduated sizes for $1.00 each. With one large bunch of baby's breath at roughly $17.00, you can do 15 table centerpieces for $77.00 plus tax). It looks lovely. Baby's breath sparkles when submerged, as though you have glittered the water. Since there were 25 tables, I did 13 of these, and 12 floral arrangements with floating candles in Dollar Tree goblets on each side of the flowers.

 

Money was so tight, they did not have a guestbook, nor did they have table numbers/placecards. I used white and ivory arrangements in tall vases that I made years ago which brides and grooms can rent from me, on pillars that the church owned for the ceremony. I took twinkle lights and white tulle from my stash to run around the the pillars and between them to make a back drop for the ceremony, and then took more white flowers from my stash and tied them to the ends of the pews with white tulle to decorate the aisle.

 

So without me doing this for the dear girl as my gift to her, what I listed above from a vendor would have cost $1000.00!

 

This wedding, cut to the bone, but still beautiful and thankfully very joyous because I coordinated it and worked very hard to keep all the crazy away from my best friend and her daughter, still cost the family approximately $5375.00. Mom's dress which should probably be included, and some dress clothes for her brother, plus bridesmaid gowns for her sisters, weren't included. They managed to hit a wonderful clearance at Group USA and got the dresses each for less than $100.00, and I think they found dress pants and a vest and button down shirt for her brother for about the same. Her dad had a black suit so no worries. In reality we are talking more like $5700.00.

 

Without a free church, a free photographer or someone who is at least reliably handy with a digital camera, and a team to provide food, labor for free and simple, low cost ingredients, it is not even remotely extravagant by any stretch for a family to expect to spend $5000.00+ to have a sit down meal reception for 200 people and a wedding that is simple but still somewhat elegant in look. I envy people who live in areas where this is possible. The free church/synagogue thing used to be so common, and a big help. But that just isn't the case anymore for a lot of young folks, and was never the case for those that are not religious. Everything gets even more complicated if the bride and groom do not live in the same area as their parents and everyone has to travel.

 

I had suggested a cake and punch reception with a bit of candy and a couple of other desserts at one of our gorgeous state parks on the beach. The pavilion could be rented for a small price which would give some seating via picnic tables. A small wedding could be done on the beach with people just standing or bringing lawn chairs, and the natural beauty of the area would be the decorations. I have enough white tablecloths to cover 10 picnic tables, and two white banquet tables of my own that I could transport. My brother has enough folding chairs to seat the bridal party. So with some mason jars filled with baby's breath and daisies on my glass plates for centerpieces, a simple but very pretty reception for 40-50 with ample parking and lots of glorious places for pictures could happen. But two things. No venue nearby in case it rains. Two sets of grandparents with health problems who would not be able to get down to the beach which is not particularly handicap accessible. I felt like that was a reasonable number of people for the mothers and aunties to cook for and not have to ask people to bring food. The pavillion has enough outlets for two roaster pans and six crock pots. Definitely doable for a small crowd.

 

It's a conundrum for sure.

[Liz CA]

Yes, Dessert reception.

Does she have friends who can dip some strawberries into chocolate and bake a few other things?

One couple had the ceremony at 7:30 or 8pm - then the dessert reception, then they left.

200 people is ridiculous unless you are a public figure and cannot afford to leave someone off the invite list.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Liz CA

[HS Mom in NC]

 

 

I tell all newly engaged people to elope and host a party after they get back.

 

Oldest is doing that for her wedding. Like me, she doesn't care about all the production and just doesn't want to do it.  So the plan is to elope and have a close friend marry them at a beautiful outdoor spot in OR where they'll be honeymooning.  Fiance wants a reception here for friends and relatives after they get back.  Good plan.

 

Middle, engaged to be married in a couple of years, wants to get married at a local venue that just does weddings.  There's room for the ceremony and the reception at the facility. Good plan. 

 

We will be giving each of them the same sum that we can afford and they can do whatever they like with it.  If they want to add in their own funds that's up to them.  If they want to go to the courthouse and save all that money for a home that's up to them.  No strings attached. They're adults and we treat them like adults.

[Seasider]

That sounds really nice! But it's not a potluck the way most people think of one. :-)

Right, it's a reception hosted by lovely wedding fairy godmothers!

[ktgrok]

Oh good point about having friends donate desserts! Much easier thing to ask people to bring, if it is cookies, cupcakes, etc! Some family members could do that, to help out, Plus buy cake and put candy in pretty jars. 

 

Some places also provide small pretty bags and have the guests make their own favors by filling the bags with the various candies. 

[FaithManor]

Which is all doable, but you need people who can work as a team and are willing to help, for a long way out.  I know of a wedding done very cheaply, where there were about 350 (this sounds like a lot, but we are talking large Catholic families, the bride was 1 of 11 the groom was 1 of 14....so a lot of the guests were kids).  But it required a long range plan.  The girls all went shopping for months to look for cheap, nice dresses, tableware, etc. etc., one sister planted all of the flowers and did the arrangements, another did everyone's hair, some male relative cooked a bunch of animals (like whole pigs, etc), some other relative brought event tents (because there are so many big weddings in this community, someone figured out how to purchase them relatively cheaply).  What stands out to me about this community is 3 things:

 

1. every wedding has a definite "host" (usually parents of the bride, but sometimes the couple) and the host makes all of the ultimate decisions, and no one thinks they have a right to demand squat

 

2. the couple is clear that the reception is for their guests, not them, so while their preferences are taken into account, their preferences are not the most important factor

 

3. while they are human, and therefore they have conflicts, in the end everyone helps

Nice in theory but the groom is an only, and the bride has one sister - a high schooler with health problems - and three brothers all of whom live out of state. She has one grandmother - my mom whose health is now too poor to do any kind of major event - and the groom has one grandmother, again, living out of state. There are her parents - her dad has recently had a stroke - her mother in law, and myself to help with such a thing as he has no sisters, and both of his aunts live in another state. My sister, the other aunt, lives in France.

 

I think that one of the problems I am seeing as an event planner is that extended families are no longer neatly contained within a single community or a community and its outlying area. It used to be that way for many, but not anymore. Add to that many couples not getting married until their mid-twenties or later, and many have moved away for jobs and college not making them members of their parents' local community anymore. This is probably more severe in some areas than others. It is very severe here. There isn't employment for young people so most are moving long distances from where their parents and grandparents are. It complicates everything.

 

They asked for advice, but did not ask me to coordinate the wedding. Seeing the inevitable disaster coming, if they do not listen to my advice, no harm no foul, but I will not be stepping in to rescue it or try to smooth it over, nor take on the coordinating job if this continues to be the plan.

 

I do have some advice for all of you with offspring who have attained potential marrying age. TALK NOW! Talk before there is even a hint of an engagement in the future. Let them know IF there is any money for a wedding, and if so, how much that is. Outline what you can do. Then step out of the way when the time comes. Write the check and let them figure it out, or if there is no bulk money, say "I can pay $100.00 towards food and am happy to cook, but that is all I can do other than cheer you on, show up with a joyous face, and pitch in my happy labor." The other thing you can do is warn them ahead of time about which relatives are going to be divas so they can do all of their wedding planning without a word to those people. Give them permission to leave the divas out. Don't get offended by what they choose.

 

And as for the potluck idea itself, one has to be very careful with health codes per municipalities. One county over, any event that is going to serve hot food and have more than 25 or 30 people is required to have a licensed caterer/restaurant for the hot food unless EVERYONE is related. Literally, if non relatives are invited, it is no longer considered  private event. Even the churches can't have potlucks of this nature. Many will do either "bring your own" and have a picnic, or will do appetizer/dessert type things with nothing hot served except beverages. It is NUTS. But that is what happens when bureaucracies get too big for their britches usually in response to complaints of food poisoning from Uncle Bob's not properly refrigerated potato salad or whatever. So you must, must must check out the rules so you don't end up with neighbors reporting you and the police breaking up your happy celebration.

 

Anyway, I am going to put forth one more idea. Again the primarily dessert reception. But with pre-made croissant sandwiches, finger veggies, and finger fruits plus the desserts. I am hoping that it is a compromise that they can afford, and included in the advice will be to tell mamma dear that she is in charge of making up those sandwiches and getting her friends to keep the platters full OR it is going back to being a small wedding of 50 with a sit down meal.

[FaithManor]

Oldest is doing that for her wedding. Like me, she doesn't care about all the production and just doesn't want to do it.  So the plan is to elope and have a close friend marry them at a beautiful outdoor spot in OR where they'll be honeymooning.  Fiance wants a reception here for friends and relatives after they get back.  Good plan.

 

Middle, engaged to be married in a couple of years, wants to get married at a local venue that just does weddings.  There's room for the ceremony and the reception at the facility. Good plan. 

 

We will be giving each of them the same sum that we can afford and they can do whatever they like with it.  If they want to add in their own funds that's up to them.  If they want to go to the courthouse and save all that money for a home that's up to them.  No strings attached. They're adults and we treat them like adults.

I like your attitude!  :hurray:

[HS Mom in NC]

I think you are spot on with your observation of people wanting a nice evening out, dinner dance amongst friends...here the open bar is the attraction.

 

Maybe one segment of people thinks of it that way, but certainly not all.  If you're part of the conservative religious crowd dancing and alcohol are not expected and among some of them, not approved of.  If you're part of a larger city then dining and dancing are had outside of wedding venues so no one expects a wedding to fill that part of their lives.  I have yet to meet a man who thought of a wedding as a nice evening out.  To most it's a non-optional social obligation and they just hope they're seated with people who aren't awful and that the food is tasty while they endure it.

 

As my husband's friend said to his late elementary aged son at his daughter's wedding, "If you're having fun then you're probably doing something wrong.  Listen to your sister and do what she says. It will all be over by midnight.   We just have to suck it up."

 

[Pippen]

 

...

 

Anyway, I am going to put forth one more idea. Again the primarily dessert reception. But with pre-made croissant sandwiches, finger veggies, and finger fruits plus the desserts. I am hoping that it is a compromise that they can afford, and included in the advice will be to tell mamma dear that she is in charge of making up those sandwiches and getting her friends to keep the platters full OR it is going back to being a small wedding of 50 with a sit down meal.

 

I like your attitude of giving thoughtful input, willingness to help, and goal to step out if they opt for something that isn't manageable.

 

Around here we can buy buns that are about 2 inches in diameter--usually called dollar buns or silver dollar buns. They're a step up in taste from store-bought white hamburger buns, but much more affordable than croissants. 

 

Recently for a very large shower I made fruit kabobs on skewers that were about 4 inches.  Most had something like a strawberry, a grape, a piece of melon cut into a heart, and a few blueberries. They were well received and it helped with portion control since fresh fruit can become so pricey for a crowd. 

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/af/5b/02/af5b02d17db9ab642151afcce69390d9.jpg

[FaithManor]

I like your attitude of giving thoughtful input, willingness to help, and goal to step out if they opt for something that isn't manageable.

 

Around here we can buy buns that are about 2 inches in diameter--usually called dollar buns or silver dollar buns. They're a step up in taste from store-bought white hamburger buns, but much more affordable than croissants. 

 

Recently for a very large shower I made fruit kabobs on skewers that were about 4 inches.  Most had something like a strawberry, a grape, a piece of melon cut into a heart, and a few blueberries. They were well received and it helped with portion control since fresh fruit can become so pricey for a crowd. 

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/af/5b/02/af5b02d17db9ab642151afcce69390d9.jpg

Agreed about the fresh fruit. It can be a killer. Since I am allergic to wheat, potlucks can be a real problem anyway. So back when we were still attempting to attend church potlucks, in order to make sure there was something there I knew I could snack on, I would make a big fruit bowl. Not cheap. But oh well. However, when people would see it, they would not control their portion sizes. This was punch bowl of fruit. Expensive, and A LOT of fruit, and yet I would end up usually near the back of the line because I'd been helping elsewhere, and would get up there and for my $30.00 in fruit plus time and effort, nothing left. So I stopped doing it.

 

Michigan Strawberries will be in season so it might be possible to do either bowls of strawberries which would be easy, and little bowls of powdered sugar for dipping would be pretty, or chocolate dip them. I love the decadence of chocolate dipped strawberries, but given how little help is available to get ready, I think it might be too much labor. Washing the day of and filling bowls will be quite enough to get done, LOL.

[Pippen]

Agreed about the fresh fruit. It can be a killer. Since I am allergic to wheat, potlucks can be a real problem anyway. So back when we were still attempting to attend church potlucks, in order to make sure there was something there I knew I could snack on, I would make a big fruit bowl. Not cheap. But oh well. However, when people would see it, they would not control their portion sizes. This was punch bowl of fruit. Expensive, and A LOT of fruit, and yet I would end up usually near the back of the line because I'd been helping elsewhere, and would get up there and for my $30.00 in fruit plus time and effort, nothing left. So I stopped doing it.

 

Michigan Strawberries will be in season so it might be possible to do either bowls of strawberries which would be easy, and little bowls of powdered sugar for dipping would be pretty, or chocolate dip them. I love the decadence of chocolate dipped strawberries, but given how little help is available to get ready, I think it might be too much labor. Washing the day of and filling bowls will be quite enough to get done, LOL.

 

A punch bowl of fruit--yikes!  I've had the fresh fruit assignment for our family Easter gathering and even a relish tray was expensive.

 

We've served fruit in small, clear cups also, and that helps control portions without as much work as the kabobs.

[FaithManor]

 

 

We've served fruit in small, clear cups also, and that helps control portions without as much work as the kabobs.

My punch bowls were always heavy on frozen peaches, and would have a couple of pineapples cubed up which definitely takes up space. Expensive fruits like berries were quite limited. But when oranges aren't in season nor are melons, then yah....that kind of fruit bowl gets darn pricey!

 

I like the idea of cups. Clear plastic punch cups filled with say one peach slice, one kiwi slice, one strawberry, two pieces of pineapple, and a couple of grapes would look pretty, but keep the serving petite. Thanks! That's a great thought. This makes me want to analyze who many pieces of pineapple from a fresh one, number of grapes in a lb. slices per kiwi one would get. I'd love to price it out for her so she'd know what it would cost. Must do some thinking here!

[poppy]

We eloped and had a party after and I DEEPLY regret it. The reception , not the wedding.

 

We did receptions for our families but in retrospect it seems so very crass. Not invited to the wedding but you have to shell out anyway . We put 'your presence in your present' in the very casual flyer invites.... and walked say with about $3000 in cash gifts.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Pippen]

My punch bowls were always heavy on frozen peaches, and would have a couple of pineapples cubed up which definitely takes up space. Expensive fruits like berries were quite limited. But when oranges aren't in season nor are melons, then yah....that kind of fruit bowl gets darn pricey!

 

I like the idea of cups. Clear plastic punch cups filled with say one peach slice, one kiwi slice, one strawberry, two pieces of pineapple, and a couple of grapes would look pretty, but keep the serving petite. Thanks! That's a great thought. This makes me want to analyze who many pieces of pineapple from a fresh one, number of grapes in a lb. slices per kiwi one would get. I'd love to price it out for her so she'd know what it would cost. Must do some thinking here!

 

That would  be nice. Another thought to pass along is that I've been using Envy apple slices for serving because they don't brown. I just pulled out some slices that had been in my fridge for a few days and they still look great. It puts apple slices back into play in situations I would have previously avoided. 

[Seasider]

We eloped and had a party after and I DEEPLY regret it. The reception , not the wedding.

 

We did receptions for our families but in retrospect it seems so very crass. Not invited to the wedding but you have to shell out anyway . We put 'your presence in your present' in the very casual flyer invites.... and walked say with about $3000 in cash gifts.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would be more inclined to attend a post-elopement reception than a post-destination wedding reception.

 

In a true elopement, the couple alone went to get married, and the following reception is the one and only celebration.

 

The second is an exclusive event for the chosen few, then someone sending you an invitation with the subtext of "sorry you didn't make the exclusive A-list but hey, as a B-lister you can participate in the secondary gift grab." Can create a lot of hurt feelings and causes division in families.

 

I just think there's a lot of current wedding trends where folks want to have their cake and eat it too (without offering it all the guests!).

 

Adding the usual caveat that this is JMO & YMMV. Consider it a perspective from the peanut gallery.

[Seasider]

My punch bowls were always heavy on frozen peaches, and would have a couple of pineapples cubed up which definitely takes up space. Expensive fruits like berries were quite limited. But when oranges aren't in season nor are melons, then yah....that kind of fruit bowl gets darn pricey!

 

I like the idea of cups. Clear plastic punch cups filled with say one peach slice, one kiwi slice, one strawberry, two pieces of pineapple, and a couple of grapes would look pretty, but keep the serving petite. Thanks! That's a great thought. This makes me want to analyze who many pieces of pineapple from a fresh one, number of grapes in a lb. slices per kiwi one would get. I'd love to price it out for her so she'd know what it would cost. Must do some thinking here!

Clear cups work for cut veggies, too. Put some dip in the bottom and insert cut carrots, celery and zucchini vertically. I usually have chives in the garden and if they happen to be flowering I stick a bloom in here and there for a garnish.

 

I like to do this when there are lots of kids because it keeps grubby little fingers from rifling through the veggies loose on a tray.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Seasider

[ktgrok]

I would be more inclined to attend a post-elopement reception than a post-destination wedding reception.

 

In a true elopement, the couple alone went to get married, and the following reception is the one and only celebration.

 

The second is an exclusive event for the chosen few, then someone sending you an invitation with the subtext of "sorry you didn't make the exclusive A-list but hey, as a B-lister you can participate in the secondary gift grab." Can create a lot of hurt feelings and causes division in families.

 

I just think there's a lot of current wedding trends where folks want to have their cake and eat it too (without offering it all the guests!).

 

Adding the usual caveat that this is JMO & YMMV. Consider it a perspective from the peanut gallery.

This is why we didn't do a true destination wedding. I don't know that I'd say we eloped, as it was planned, not a surprise thing. But it was just DH and I, no one else. Our witnesses were the wedding coordinator we hired (we got married overseas she she helped us figure out a location, etc) and the photographer. We thought about having it as a destination wedding, but we knew that some of the people we were closest to couldn't afford to come, and those that could we didn't particularly care about having there. So to avoid hurt feelings of people feeling left out, etc, we just didn't invite anyone. We did have it videod to show family later. 

 

And then had a big party at the house, casual style, where I made the food myself, a few weeks after we got back. It was wonderful.I would have been happy with a small wedding here, but DH wanted it to be "special" and "right" and I convinced him that eloping to Scotland fit that bill, lol. (we were honeymooning there anyway)

[ksr5377]

I haven't read all responses, but I wanted to chime in.  I pot luck wedding for a lot of people seems awful to me.  A wedding where the food is prepared by a small group of close friends/family who are asked to do so far in advance of the wedding and are OK with doing what the host asks, that is wonderful.  

[Scarlett]

I really hate that word. What is "tacky" in one community is expected behavior in another.

I agree. Tacky is a tacky word. LOL......if there is one thing I have learned on this board......there are A LOT of different kinds of people.

[FaithManor]

Okay, so I pulled my thoughts together from all that we've discussed, and put together a tactful, friendly, but down to earth text to my niece. I did that about 10 minutes ago and she has already responded.

 

She loves the idea of mini sandwiches, fruit cups, veggies, strawberries with powdered sugar for dipping, and desserts. She feels this is something they can afford, and that her bridal party will help her pull it together, with her mom and sister willing to refill trays. My mom really wants to help so she said she would keep beverage containers refilled. She feels that it is a meet in the middle compromise for her mother in law, and her fiance, whom she texted, also feels it is time to tell mommy dearest to either front some significant money for the wedding or be happy with whatever they can afford. ( I reminded them gently that now is the time to set healthy boundaries, and that this can be done without being ungracious or rude. Momma might not like it. But for their own sakes, draw the line in the sand now. Glad you all reminded me to do that.)

 

Thanks for helping me hash it out. I needed to think on it a while in order to come up with a good solution that was likely to be accepted. I still am concerned because they haven't put together a rental order for chairs and tables. There is exactly ONE rental place in a 25 mile radius. So June is a crazy busy time for them between weddings and graduations. If she doesn't get it in soon, she'll have to rent from the city - 50 miles away - and that will come with a hefty delivery and pick up charge. Ugh. I gave her a friendly reminder and then dropped it. Must remember, not my circus, not my monkeys! 

[Moonhawk]

I agree parents shouldn't be involved in this, especially if not paying.  But, you think they are going to cave regardless, so I'm just going to focus on ways to mitigate the influence or disaster.

 

I'd say no to potluck, for the main reason you'd have to find a place to put all the food, and each dish will take up room.  Then you have to find a way to heat the food that needs to be warm.  It isn't tacky, but it is a logistic problem.  I know churches can pull it off, but not my church, lol.  The organization that goes into it isn't something I'd want to add to my wedding day.

 

I would ask each parent to cut their list by x-amount, OR they can pay extra for the guests. OR Say there is only room for 120 seats at the reception*, you have a limit of 40, anyone else will have to be seated in the parking lot.  If they won't cut the list, then they can only invite to the ceremony, not to the reception.  (cue angry fireworks here)

 

If that isn't something that the bride/groom are willing to do, then a dessert reception is fine.  I know out here you can get Mexican food catered for a good price, say $2-4 a plate, but I don't know where they are or what their options are.  For a recent party, I found an italian restaurant out here catered 75 people for $5/plate, and willing to go down more for more people.  It was breadsticks, spaghetti, 2 sauce options, and some vegetables. Not fancy, but it was doable.  But no matter what, support them in keeping their budget. Costco sheet cakes can look nice, are cheap, and feed a lot of people.  1 nice tier cake for display, the rest can be cut in the back and served out no one the wiser. Look at grocery store platters for cold cuts and fruit.  They may be willing to discount for a large order.  

 

And, I know the groom may not be planning the wedding, or into it, but it may be necessary that he handle telling his parents what will/will not happen, not leaving it to the soon-to-be DIL that is in the awkward place of trying to make a good impression, get accepted into the family, and pull off the wedding. That's starting from a position of weakness then asking to cause a rift at the beginning of a forever relationship [or so it may feel like to her]. 

 

*Biggest problem with hosting at the in-laws, even if it is free, is that they will want ALL the room for their friends, and will not care about other people the bride, groom, or other family want to invite.  And they will insist all their friends could fit, so they are being invited.  Handing over the venue to the in-laws is handing over control.  

 

eta: just saw your update a few minutes ago, glad it looks like there is a plan in place! :)

Edited October 25, 2016 by Moonhawk

[shawthorne44]

Oh my goodness this is my other hot button wedding issue. Elopement would be way better for this poor couple who are already being badgered by their families. I can't imagine it would be a good idea to add in travel planning on a zero budget and then have the pestersome folks along on the honeymoon, too.

 

(Sorry minnewannabe, resort weddings may be a good idea for a rare couple but I can't see it as a good solution here.)

 

 

If my parents had gone whacko, my backup plan was for us to throw our own engagement party, invite everyone anyone wanted invited.  Then, Surprise!, the wedding would happened in the middle of it.  

 

That wasn't necessary.  

 

I'd also had a backup plan in case a ton of people didn't RSVP either way.   We were going to move the entire wedding/reception to a fancy steak place owned by a good friend of our best friend.  Only people that RSVP'ed yes would have been told. 

 

That wasn't necessary.  

[Crimson Wife]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

 

I'd say regional except I've been to weddings all over the country. Some have been casual (clambake on the beach or BBQ in someone's backyard) or inexpensive (cake and punch only). None have been a potluck.

 

[Moonhawk]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

 

Never heard of this. I'd never heard a church wedding coordinator.  Maybe the parishes I have belonged to are too small, or too old (live around a retirement community)?  Or maybe it is regional.  

[Crimson Wife]

 

The second is an exclusive event for the chosen few, then someone sending you an invitation with the subtext of "sorry you didn't make the exclusive A-list but hey, as a B-lister you can participate in the secondary gift grab." Can create a lot of hurt feelings and causes division in families.

 

I've never heard of someone being invited to the hometown reception who hadn't also been invited to the destination wedding.

 

My brother married a Japanese lady. They had a traditional Shinto ceremony in Tokyo (to which everyone was invited but only a handful of the Americans came) and an American wedding in our hometown (to which everyone was invited but only a handful of the Japanese came). There were no separate invitation lists but a recognition that due to distance and cost, nearly all of the friends and family would choose only 1 event to attend.

 

[scrapbookbuzz]

Who said there HAD to be dinner at a reception? Have traditional nuts, mints, cake, and punch. Done.

Wish people would understand that a HUGE wedding does not a marriage make and it's the BRIDE AND GROOM's day, 

no one else! Guests are invited to see the bride and groom get married. Not so everyone's parents can have it done their way.

 

(Sounded like I ranted at you. Not my intent. I just went through similar things with my wedding planning.)

[Reefgazer]

Introduce them to the concept of eloping?

 

I think potluck reception is tacky (they could just charge admission and have a meal).  However, they could have cake and punch, or a dessert bar reception; I like that idea.  Or, you could teach the happy couple to grow backbones.  :)  The couple must be fairly young to allow the parents to walk all over them.

Okay, so niece is getting married in June, and the parents are not helping with expenses but expect a big wedding anyway. That is problem number one. Parents who want their kids to have expensive weddings should pay for them. If not paying, no say in the event. That's my look out anyway after years of doing event planning and watching brides and grooms twist themselves into knots making relatives happy while watching money disappear like water over Niagara Falls.

 

She is sweet, he is sweet, they will cave. I know they will. The parents have come up with a combined guest list of 200 people and she has no idea how they can feed them all. So some of her friends told her to have a potluck reception, bring food in lieu of presents or at least for say 50 -75 guests. Her soon to be mother in law went off on her about how tacky and embarrassing this is.

 

Sigh....

 

So first off. Where do you land on the idea? I am generally not pro this kind of thing because the first issue is that some municipalities and counties have ordinances against gatherings of that size being "private" so one can end up in a truck load of trouble over providing hot food items without a license. The second issue is it is quite an added burden to the couple to keep track of who is bringing what. Third is that you have to arrange for reliable people to organize the food, get it out, put ice in the containers that must be kept cold, keep appropriate heat for those that must remain above a certain heat level in order to remain safe, etc. It is easy to do for 50 people, not easy for 200 and have it all ready at one time, in the mother in law's backyard with only two regular size refrigerators to use, and limited roasting pans and crock pots to borrow. Fourth issue is for a lot of guests if they are traveling more than 30 miles, bringing food can be a problem, for those staying in hotels, not doable.  Don't know about you, but I don't want Uncle Bob's potato salad riding in his old, unairconditioned pick up truck for forty five minutes in 85 degree weather. (And literally, there is an Uncle Bob who wants to do exactly this!) Fifth clean up. Are you really going to ask people to bring food to your reception and then NOT wash up their bowls/trays and serving utensils? Who is going to be in charge of stacking all these dirty things if they aren't going to be washed, and if they are, that is a major tall task and again not a commercial kitchen so one small kitchen sink and limited counter space to work with....and who wants to spend the reception cleaning up instead of enjoying the party?

 

I can so see this being okay for the family, close friends only backyard barbecue with a small number of people to coordinate. I just can't see this for 200. 

 

So I suggested that the day of the wedding, she hire just a small brunch for her and Z, the bridal party, and her closest relatives, then have the wedding at 1:30, reception at 2:30, and done by 5 pm. Advertise cake and ice cream only. Easy peasy. This couple simply can not afford to have food catered for 200. I also told her to have just a single, top tier decorated for the "cutting ceremony" since she kind of wants to do that. She is allergic to wheat so has to have GF and admits that most GF cakes are not very tasty, so small is good. Then just have the local bakery make some sheet cakes with a simple white on white border, and we can place fresh flowers or silks and ribbon on the cakes to make them pretty but no major expense in having decorated cakes. Ice Cream is always fun, and mother in law's big chest freezer can handle several gallons.

 

It is cheap, festive, and acceptable.

 

Mother in law and now mother are having a cow. Mom and dad themselves can't contribute. My brother had a stroke and they are living on 60% of his normal pay while he recovers - thankfully they had that insurance or they'd be in a world of hurt. But I think it is ridiculous for them to take this attitude with their daughter when they are not contributing anything. As for the in laws? GAH! On the one hand they love her dearly, and treat niece very very well on other issues. But this is an only child for them so they always dreamed of this crazy big, elaborate wedding for him, but with the traditional viewpoint that the only thing they have to contribute is paying for his suit and rehearsal dinner. 

 

At any rate, I am now on the naughty list with the new in-laws for suggesting the cake/ice cream reception. I have to check with the municipality to see if they can even have a potluck reception outdoors in the residential area for 200 without risking a police officer crashing the reception on complaints of the neighbors.

 

By the way, the added wrinkle is that while the inlaws back yard is lovely, really lovely, three bathrooms probably isn't enough, and no one wants to pay for porta potties, AND even worse, I am not certain that 200 chairs can be put out there in any configuration that will allow the majority of guests to even see. But niece insists because the "venue" is free. Sigh...I can't fault her for that.

 

What says the great Hive?

 

Edited October 25, 2016 by reefgazer

[Seasider]

I've never heard of someone being invited to the hometown reception who hadn't also been invited to the destination wedding.

 

My brother married a Japanese lady. They had a traditional Shinto ceremony in Tokyo (to which everyone was invited but only a handful of the Americans came) and an American wedding in our hometown (to which everyone was invited but only a handful of the Japanese came). There were no separate invitation lists but a recognition that due to distance and cost, nearly all of the friends and family would choose only 1 event to attend.

 

That sounds lovely but I would say it's not a typical situation. We have received invites to weddings out of town and in town celebrations for town when couples come from separate distant hometowns.

 

We have also seen folks we know do the exclusive wedding followed by another at home reception, when both bride and groom originate in same hometown. It's this second approach I find distasteful.

[QueenCat]

I've been to plenty of weddings were this is the scenario:

 

Couple has little money. Couple is getting married in a church. Couple contacts the church's wedding coordinator. Wedding coordinator coordinates a wedding reception potluck. All the little old ladies of the church bring food. Wedding potluck. Cheap. Lovely.

 

Is this a regional thing? It's pretty common where I grew up. As a matter of fact, my mother is currently the wedding coordinator at her Methodist Church, and she does this sort of thing often.

 

Must be regional. I've never heard of a wedding potluck, except for here, in the HIVE. I've know people whose families made all the food but that was just a handful of people, preparing the meal together.

[Amber in SJ]

It is always interesting to hear what people think is "tacky" or simply not done or what is considered a gift grab.  It all has to be viewed through the cultural context of the couple.  For example, we are LDS.  When my dd got married this year to another LDS person she decided she wanted to be married in the Oakland Temple.  For the most part active LDS people get married in an LDS Temple, which means travel for most people because there is not an LDS temple in every city.  Getting married also limits the wedding guest list.  Only LDS adults with a current temple recommend may attend, so no kids even siblings and no family members who are not LDS.  This is tough.  Getting married in the temple also limits the guest list because the rooms where the marriages are performed are small.  We booked the "large" sealing room at the Oakland Temple, which is considered a large temple and the room held 50 people.  All of these limiting factors make the reception very important.  It is not uncommon for the bride & groom to be married in one place and then have a reception in each of the bride & groom's home towns.  

 

My daughter met her husband at school in Utah.  His family is from England.  My daughter invited all of their college friends & all of the groom's family and they treated it like a destination wedding (which was weird for us.)  About 24 college friends came from Utah and the groom's immediate family.

 

The daughter of a good friend of ours was married this summer as well.  The bride's family is from here in California, the groom's family is from Australia and the couple met & got engaged in Utah where they were both going to school.  The wedding happened in Utah with her California parents in attendance followed by a small reception with all the bride & groom's college friends.  The bride & groom traveled to California and there was a lovely reception here for those of us who wanted to celebrate with her because she had grown up inn our congregation.  The day after that reception the bride & groom headed to Australia for a honeymoon & there was another reception for the groom's family to celebrate.  I have no expectations of being fed & entertained at a reception.  I am there to express my well wishes to the couple and to share in their joy.  

 

Amber in SJ

[TechWife]

I would think splitting part of the people off to another party would be REALLY rude.

 

There are a lot of separate gatherings surrounding weddings. It's not rude to have a bridesmaids brunch, a golf party for the guys in the wedding party, a hairstylist session with the MOB, MOH and bride, "morning after" parties for out of town guests and any number of other party combinations. I think an "after party" with selected guests is fine. 

[TechWife]

Yeah, but a few friends going back to your place and having pizza is not the same thing as a second party where 30-40 are invited.  Advertised or not, people are going to know.  

 

Is it truly horrible to know that there is a party going on to which one isn't invited? I don't think that's horrible, although I have no expectation of being invited to parties as a general rule.

[Scarlett]

Is it truly horrible to know that there is a party going on to which one isn't invited? I don't think that's horrible, although I have no expectation of being invited to parties as a general rule.

 

 

I have a terrible time culling down guests list.  I would MUCH rather be the person not invited than to have to not invite someone.

[TammyS]

Who said there HAD to be dinner at a reception? Have traditional nuts, mints, cake, and punch. Done.

Wish people would understand that a HUGE wedding does not a marriage make and it's the BRIDE AND GROOM's day, 

no one else! Guests are invited to see the bride and groom get married. Not so everyone's parents can have it done their way.

 

(Sounded like I ranted at you. Not my intent. I just went through similar things with my wedding planning.)

 

I guess this just highlights why these things can be so problematic.  I strongly disagree with your sentiment.  The guests are GUESTS, not an audience.  The couple is part of a community, not U2 putting on a concert for their adoring fans.  No one is there to "see" them, they are there to bear witness and to celebrate with them.  It is not the "bride and groom's day, no one else".  If that's what it is, let the bride and groom sell tickets and see who thinks they are so all fired awesome that they will pay.  I just feel like this attitude is very disrespectful toward the guests.  Like the couple is the center of the universe and the guests are just stage props for their show. 

 

You have a meal at a reception because you have already put these people to a lot of trouble and expense.  They reserved a day for you, they probably bought some new clothes for your wedding, they bought you a gift, some have  traveled.  A meal with you really isn't too much to ask.

 

[TammyS]

Is it truly horrible to know that there is a party going on to which one isn't invited? I don't think that's horrible, although I have no expectation of being invited to parties as a general rule.

 

Yes, I think that leaving a reception that I'd been at while about 30-40 other people who rated were going to continue the party elsewhere would be pretty horrible.

[TammyS]

There are a lot of separate gatherings surrounding weddings. It's not rude to have a bridesmaids brunch, a golf party for the guys in the wedding party, a hairstylist session with the MOB, MOH and bride, "morning after" parties for out of town guests and any number of other party combinations. I think an "after party" with selected guests is fine. 

 

But your example is not comparable.  To make it comparable you would invite only SOME of the bridesmaids to the bridesmaids brunch, and only SOME of the guys, etc.

 

That's what you're talking about. Some of the guests will be invited to continue the party, some won't.

[HS Mom in NC]

I guess this just highlights wh

 

You have a meal at a reception because you have already put these people to a lot of trouble and expense.  They reserved a day for you, they probably bought some new clothes for your wedding, they bought you a gift, some have  traveled.  A meal with you really isn't too much to ask.

 

What kind of bizarre economy is this you propose?  You'd reduced this to a tit for tat economic transaction? Buying new clothes isn't mandatory.  Not everyone travels.  When I travel I expect to pay for all my own meals no matter where I go or what I do. Some people can't afford a meal for everyone.  Your attitude is exactly the fuel that makes weddings so stressful.  I can only imagine how people would respond if their guests voiced that kind attitude.

 

[FaithManor]

Niece and groom are going to tell the snarky mother the new plan which they really like - mini sandwiches, veggies and dip, fruit cups,strawberries with powdered sugar for dipping, lots of desserts, and punch/tea/coffee. Niece said they intend on being firm. It will be interesting to hear the result.

 

So glad this is not my three ring circus to deal with. We put on a lovely wedding for dd, and now with three boys, I can be told what to wear and when to be there. Don't care what type of wedding the future brides want; plan on dressing up, being pleasant and cheerful, and being uninvolved in the planning.

[TechWife]

Yes, I think that leaving a reception that I'd been at while about 30-40 other people who rated were going to continue the party elsewhere would be pretty horrible.

 

 

But your example is not comparable.  To make it comparable you would invite only SOME of the bridesmaids to the bridesmaids brunch, and only SOME of the guys, etc.

 

That's what you're talking about. Some of the guests will be invited to continue the party, some won't.

 

 

Are you aware of after parties? They are somewhat common and the guest lists are generally more selective than that for the event itself. The guests aren't being invited to continue the party, they are being invited to another party, one with it's own guest list. Not everyone gets invited to every party. This would be the "after party" crowd. Those not in that crowd wouldn't be invited, just like not everyone is invited to a bridesmaid brunch - it's for a specific set of people. 

[Seasider]

let the bride and groom sell tickets and see who thinks they are so all fired awesome that they will pay.

 

 

I confess this made me lol. What a novel idea.

[mamiof5]

Okay, so I pulled my thoughts together from all that we've discussed, and put together a tactful, friendly, but down to earth text to my niece. I did that about 10 minutes ago and she has already responded.

 

She loves the idea of mini sandwiches, fruit cups, veggies, strawberries with powdered sugar for dipping, and desserts. She feels this is something they can afford, and that her bridal party will help her pull it together, with her mom and sister willing to refill trays. My mom really wants to help so she said she would keep beverage containers refilled. She feels that it is a meet in the middle compromise for her mother in law, and her fiance, whom she texted, also feels it is time to tell mommy dearest to either front some significant money for the wedding or be happy with whatever they can afford. ( I reminded them gently that now is the time to set healthy boundaries, and that this can be done without being ungracious or rude. Momma might not like it. But for their own sakes, draw the line in the sand now. Glad you all reminded me to do that.)

 

Thanks for helping me hash it out. I needed to think on it a while in order to come up with a good solution that was likely to be accepted. I still am concerned because they haven't put together a rental order for chairs and tables. There is exactly ONE rental place in a 25 mile radius. So June is a crazy busy time for them between weddings and graduations. If she doesn't get it in soon, she'll have to rent from the city - 50 miles away - and that will come with a hefty delivery and pick up charge. Ugh. I gave her a friendly reminder and then dropped it. Must remember, not my circus, not my monkeys!

I absolutely love your approach!!! You helped them come up with a wonderful solution, even reminded her of the extra cost if she doesn't reserve chairs on time, you are offering help, and after that you back out. They are adults and need to figure it out. If they end stuck with hefty price for chairs it's their doing.

 

Great job aunt!!! 🙌😊

[KungFuPanda]

Okay, so I pulled my thoughts together from all that we've discussed, and put together a tactful, friendly, but down to earth text to my niece. I did that about 10 minutes ago and she has already responded.

 

She loves the idea of mini sandwiches, fruit cups, veggies, strawberries with powdered sugar for dipping, and desserts. She feels this is something they can afford, and that her bridal party will help her pull it together, with her mom and sister willing to refill trays. My mom really wants to help so she said she would keep beverage containers refilled. She feels that it is a meet in the middle compromise for her mother in law, and her fiance, whom she texted, also feels it is time to tell mommy dearest to either front some significant money for the wedding or be happy with whatever they can afford. ( I reminded them gently that now is the time to set healthy boundaries, and that this can be done without being ungracious or rude. Momma might not like it. But for their own sakes, draw the line in the sand now. Glad you all reminded me to do that.)

 

Thanks for helping me hash it out. I needed to think on it a while in order to come up with a good solution that was likely to be accepted. I still am concerned because they haven't put together a rental order for chairs and tables. There is exactly ONE rental place in a 25 mile radius. So June is a crazy busy time for them between weddings and graduations. If she doesn't get it in soon, she'll have to rent from the city - 50 miles away - and that will come with a hefty delivery and pick up charge. Ugh. I gave her a friendly reminder and then dropped it. Must remember, not my circus, not my monkeys!

See, that's a sweet and budget appropriate idea. She can even call it a tea party and it feels elegant. I actually went to a wedding like this recently. The young couple got married near Christmas, so the church was already beautifully decorated. They had a tea party reception with finger snacks and several urns of hot tea. They had a small cake to cut and cupcakes for guests. The cupcakes had glitter! It was lovely and magical.

[AMJ]

Okay, so niece is getting married in June, and the parents are not helping with expenses but expect a big wedding anyway. That is problem number one. Parents who want their kids to have expensive weddings should pay for them. If not paying, no say in the event. That's my look out anyway after years of doing event planning and watching brides and grooms twist themselves into knots making relatives happy while watching money disappear like water over Niagara Falls.

 

She is sweet, he is sweet, they will cave. I know they will. The parents have come up with a combined guest list of 200 people and she has no idea how they can feed them all. So some of her friends told her to have a potluck reception, bring food in lieu of presents or at least for say 50 -75 guests. Her soon to be mother in law went off on her about how tacky and embarrassing this is.

 

Sigh....

 

So first off. Where do you land on the idea? I am generally not pro this kind of thing because the first issue is that some municipalities and counties have ordinances against gatherings of that size being "private" so one can end up in a truck load of trouble over providing hot food items without a license. The second issue is it is quite an added burden to the couple to keep track of who is bringing what. Third is that you have to arrange for reliable people to organize the food, get it out, put ice in the containers that must be kept cold, keep appropriate heat for those that must remain above a certain heat level in order to remain safe, etc. It is easy to do for 50 people, not easy for 200 and have it all ready at one time, in the mother in law's backyard with only two regular size refrigerators to use, and limited roasting pans and crock pots to borrow. Fourth issue is for a lot of guests if they are traveling more than 30 miles, bringing food can be a problem, for those staying in hotels, not doable.  Don't know about you, but I don't want Uncle Bob's potato salad riding in his old, unairconditioned pick up truck for forty five minutes in 85 degree weather. (And literally, there is an Uncle Bob who wants to do exactly this!) Fifth clean up. Are you really going to ask people to bring food to your reception and then NOT wash up their bowls/trays and serving utensils? Who is going to be in charge of stacking all these dirty things if they aren't going to be washed, and if they are, that is a major tall task and again not a commercial kitchen so one small kitchen sink and limited counter space to work with....and who wants to spend the reception cleaning up instead of enjoying the party?

 

I can so see this being okay for the family, close friends only backyard barbecue with a small number of people to coordinate. I just can't see this for 200. 

 

So I suggested that the day of the wedding, she hire just a small brunch for her and Z, the bridal party, and her closest relatives, then have the wedding at 1:30, reception at 2:30, and done by 5 pm. Advertise cake and ice cream only. Easy peasy. This couple simply can not afford to have food catered for 200. I also told her to have just a single, top tier decorated for the "cutting ceremony" since she kind of wants to do that. She is allergic to wheat so has to have GF and admits that most GF cakes are not very tasty, so small is good. Then just have the local bakery make some sheet cakes with a simple white on white border, and we can place fresh flowers or silks and ribbon on the cakes to make them pretty but no major expense in having decorated cakes. Ice Cream is always fun, and mother in law's big chest freezer can handle several gallons.

 

It is cheap, festive, and acceptable.

 

Mother in law and now mother are having a cow. Mom and dad themselves can't contribute. My brother had a stroke and they are living on 60% of his normal pay while he recovers - thankfully they had that insurance or they'd be in a world of hurt. But I think it is ridiculous for them to take this attitude with their daughter when they are not contributing anything. As for the in laws? GAH! On the one hand they love her dearly, and treat niece very very well on other issues. But this is an only child for them so they always dreamed of this crazy big, elaborate wedding for him, but with the traditional viewpoint that the only thing they have to contribute is paying for his suit and rehearsal dinner. 

 

At any rate, I am now on the naughty list with the new in-laws for suggesting the cake/ice cream reception. I have to check with the municipality to see if they can even have a potluck reception outdoors in the residential area for 200 without risking a police officer crashing the reception on complaints of the neighbors.

 

By the way, the added wrinkle is that while the inlaws back yard is lovely, really lovely, three bathrooms probably isn't enough, and no one wants to pay for porta potties, AND even worse, I am not certain that 200 chairs can be put out there in any configuration that will allow the majority of guests to even see. But niece insists because the "venue" is free. Sigh...I can't fault her for that.

 

What says the great Hive?

 

 

I haven't read any of the responses, but here's what crosses my mind:

 

Fire Safety.

 

The hosting home must check with the Fire Department to see if it is even legal to hold an event in a private yard when they expect that many attendees.  I DO know that there are restrictions about placement of the chairs (to allow people to get clear and out of the area quickly and safely in case of emergency), and if there's already concerns about people not being able to see then there likely isn't enough space to follow the rules.  NOT complying with fire safety regulations could not only get the hosting people heavily fined, it could leave them open to lawsuits if ANYONE gets hurt.

 

There will also be regulations about number of and cleanliness of restroom facilities.

 

 

Forget the large wedding.  Go with a smaller one for only immediate family (bride's and groom's parents, grandparents, siblings (with their nuclear families, if any) and any children the bride and/or groom may have) and maybe 5 dear friends of the bride and groom each.  The bride and groom can then book a potluck reception at a park on a later date if they truly want to.

 

 

If pressure from the family gets too much the bride & groom can also elope.  Take one friend each with them, see a JP, and get the deed done.  Notify all family afterwards.  This is what my cousin and her husband did when they got married -- it really sent the message home that they weren't letting any more family shenanigans ruin their big day.

[LucyStoner]

We eloped and then later hosted a self catered brunch reception.

 

I urge them to elope too.