19 yo doesn’t think he needs to help around the house this summer

[Garga]

I work from home from 7 a.m. until 4:30 or 5:30 p.m. (9-10 hours a day) DH works outside of the home, leaving at 7:30 and getting home at 5:30 (away from home for 10 hours) DS21 is taking summer classes that will take him 6 - 8 hours a day. 

DS19 is on break from college. He was supposed to get a job, but is not taking action on finding a job. So today I asked him to scoop the litter boxes, keep up with the dishes, and wash the couch blankets and couch cover. I was about to add some more items to the list, when he began objecting.  

He told me that the chores would take him all day (huh?) and that he had things planned for his vacation. “What things”, I asked, because I’m open minded. His plans were things like going to antique stores and biking and doing a deep clean of his room.

When I told him the chores wouldn’t take all day, he said, “Well, they do take a long time, or else you wouldn’t put them off until now and ask me to do them,” (implying that I was lazy and foisting off my work on him.)

I told him that I work for 9-10 hours a day and yeah, it’s hard to keep up with some of the chores because there are just so many to  juggle. He went back to how he wants to clean his room because he never has time to when he’s in school and he wanted his summer off to do things he can’t normally do. And I said, “So, when you are at college all day, it’s hard to keep up with your room, but I’m supposed to work all day and clean the living room, dining room, two bathrooms, a bedroom, and a kitchen? And plan meals and grocery shop? And tend to the cats and make the appointments? And help you and your brother navigate college? And everything else?”

I’m thinking, how dare he throw it up in my face that I don’t have time to do all the extra cleaning stuff, like couch covers, because I can barely keep up with the absolute minimum. But I stayed calm, other than an astounded frowny face.

I do gentle parenting, so I don’t come down hard on him in the moment, but this got my hackles up. I explained that while the other members of the household are working full time that he has the bandwidth to do some of the extra things around the house. I told him that this is life. You don’t get 2.5 months off to play when you’re an adult. You either go to college, work for money, or work to tend to the home while the other adults work. 

So, how far do I go with giving him stuff to do around the house? If he will not go out and get a job (I’ve nagged him about it until I’m done nagging), then how many hours a day of stuff should I come up with for him to do? I am not a punitive person, so I’m not interesting in “teaching him a lesson”, but I do want to know what’s reasonable for a 19 yo college student to do to help out the family.

If he hadn’t pushed back and had a good attitude, what’s a reasonable amount of work he can do while he’s on his summer vacation? I don’t expect him to do chores for 8-10 hours a day (probably can’t come up with that much work anyway!), so he’ll still have time to bike and go look in antique stores (he turns old forks and spoons into rings) and have time with friends. But how much time should he contribute to the house, and what sorts of things should he do? 

I have some shelves that need to be painted and hung and the windows are all needing a good washing. And the cars, too. etc. So there are a few extra things that are piling up that aren’t the normal daily chores. 

 

ETA: This son is usually chill and reasonable and I’m shocked that he’s pushing back so much. Did not expect it from him. At all. This isn’t really like him, but I’m remembering that he had a bad attitude about it last summer, too, so it’s a trend.

Edited May 21 by Garga

[MEmama]

Is it possible he's burned out and just needs a break?

I freely admit I don't ask my college kid to do almost anything around the house when he's home on breaks. I *love* to spoil him 🥰 but also he's maxed out at university and really, truly needs the time to decompress. He does work though.

[Arcadia]

My DS19 doesn’t finish his spring quarter until mid June. However he always needed a week’s break after spring quarter to just catch up on sleep. So if it is your son’s first week at home, I would focus on the clean up his room and do the dishes. My husband usually helps me hand wash the dishes and he takes about 30mins maximum. 

Edited May 21 by Arcadia
typo

[Garga]

He already had off last week and wasn’t asked to do anything, other than apply for jobs. If he waits much longer, he’ll be offered a job a week before he goes back to college. 

Over the winter break which lasted for 6 weeks, neither son did anything around the house except dishes and litter boxes. They were entirely unproductive during that time. They barely did their own projects that they’d planned on doing. My oldest one sunk into a bit of depression and the youngest was booored all the time. Humans need to be a bit productive. I’m not a busy bee and am a firm believer in down-time, but not 2.5 months of 24/7 downtime. That much downtime is just as mentally unhealthy as running non-stop. There’s balance.

My thought is to give him up to 3 hours of work a day, 4 tops and 2 at a minimum. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, but wanted to know what everyone else thought.

Edited May 21 by Garga

[Chris in VA]

Since he won't be working, could you pay him to do the extra things, like painting shelves, that go beyond daily chores?

Could you make a chore chart and put everybody in charge of different things? His would be more, but then maybe he would see that life is work. 

I agree with giving a break, but the days of carefree summers....that's for kids and retirees. 

[Garga]

20 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Is it possible he's burned out and just needs a break?

I freely admit I don't ask my college kid to do almost anything around the house when he's home on breaks. I *love* to spoil him 🥰 but also he's maxed out at university and really, truly needs the time to decompress. He does work though.

If my son worked, even if it was just a couple of days a week, then this would be entirely different. I would give him only the simplest of chores (dishes and maybe litter boxes.)

18 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

My DS19 doesn’t finish his spring quarter until mid June. However he always needed a week’s break after spring quarter to just catch up on sleep. So if it is your son’s first week at home, I would focus on the clean up his room and do the dishes. My husband usually helps me hand wash the dishes and he takes about 30mins maximum. 

I gave him that first week completely off. Didn’t even expect him to clean up his room or do dishes.
 

[Innisfree]

I think the amount of work you’re describing is eminently reasonable.

ETA that my 19 yo agrees. She did say that if his college semester had been particularly intense, he might need a bit more time to decompress, and that deep cleaning his room sounded good, but generally she thought what you asked was normal and reasonable.

Edited May 21 by Innisfree

[fairfarmhand]

I think you’re being very reasonable. Any time my kids gripe I offer to exchange work loads with them. They never take me up on it. Have you asked him if he believes the division of labor is fair?

[Arcadia]

My kid's winter break was two weeks only. They basically do a stock take of their wardrobes and buy whatever is needed. My home is small and we don't have pets. So they help with food prep (DS18), cooking (DS19) and laundry (both). The rest of the time was spent relaxing and reading up the class materials for next quarter. Spring break was a week so they spent the time sleeping. For summer break, they take classes and they help me with food prep, laundry and taking out the thrash. DS19 would help cook while DS18 would help wash the dishes. If I am going to the nearby supermarket and need help. DS19 would walk with me and carry the bulk of the groceries back.

[Pawz4me]

37 minutes ago, Garga said:

I explained that while the other members of the household are working full time that he has the bandwidth to do some of the extra things around the house. I told him that this is life. You don’t get 2.5 months off to play when you’re an adult. You either go to college, work for money, or work to tend to the home while the other adults work. 

I think I'd keep reiterating the above, and I'd give him some sort of set chores--things that he needs to do every day/weekly, and perhaps a list of projects like painting the shelves. I'd leave it to him when he wants to get the bigger projects done. The list of set daily/weekly chores would allow him to schedule the rest of his time however he wants. It's not unreasonable to expect an unemployed 19 yo to help out two or three hours a day.

Edited May 21 by Pawz4me

[Garga]

9 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

Since he won't be working, could you pay him to do the extra things, like painting shelves, that go beyond daily chores?

Could you make a chore chart and put everybody in charge of different things? His would be more, but then maybe he would see that life is work. 

I agree with giving a break, but the days of carefree summers....that's for kids and retirees. 

Honestly, I don’t want to pay him, because I really want him to get a job. I don’t want to give him chores and tasks to do around the house, because that’s adding to my mental load to come up with the tasks and then explain to him how to do them. A job is eaiser for us all. 

But I like the idea of a chore list so we can see all the things that need to be done and tackle them together. 

[Scarlett]

30 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Is it possible he's burned out and just needs a break?

I freely admit I don't ask my college kid to do almost anything around the house when he's home on breaks. I *love* to spoil him 🥰 but also he's maxed out at university and really, truly needs the time to decompress. He does work though.

And you don’t work right? I think that makes a difference too. 

[Garga]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

And you don’t work right? I think that makes a difference too. 

That would make a difference. From 6:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m., I’m prepping for work or working. From 5-10 is when I do everything else in life (relax, exercise, clean the house, shower, interact with and help family members, etc.). Then I’m in bed from 10-6. 

If I had 11 extra hours a day to tend to the home or do all the things I squeeze into 5 hours, I wouldn’t ask the boys to do much either and I’d be happy to let them relax all day. And I’m not saying that in a snotty tone. I’d love to spoil them like that, but it’s just not reasonable for a grown man not to help out while his mom and dad are working or getting ready for work for 11 hours a day.

Edited May 21 by Garga

[73349]

I think you can reasonably ask him to do A, B, and C every day you and DH are both working, pick from the list of tasks D - Z that need doing sometime soon, and stop for the day when he hits the three-hour mark, until he starts a job. Then he is still doing something helpful and having lots of time off. He could do house care 9 AM to noon and have the rest of the day to do as he pleases.

It's still a very good deal for him--practically no 19yo can pay for room and board in 15 hours a week.

Edited May 21 by 73349

[scholastica]

You are being reasonable. 

[City Mouse]

I do not think you are unreasonable to expect your adult child to do chores at home when he isn’t working or going to school. I am assuming that you are providing for him financially and materially while he is at school and while he is at home. The only suggestion I have that worked better for me than assigning chores was to give unemployed adult child an expectation of how much work was expected and let that person choose from a set of tasks that need to be completed. For example, that person might prefer lawn care tasks over laundry. It didn’t really matter what tasks were accomplished as long as something was done. Also, taking care of their own s***t was an expectation from  early on, so personal cleaning including their bathroom and bedroom was always expected.

[prairiewindmomma]

My kids REALLY hate it when I surprise them with tasks.  It's a mindset issue more than a task one.  While I mentally carry a list of all of the tasks that need to happen in the house, the other household members don't.  They might see a thing that needs to be done, and take care of it, but they don't have a running task list.  They will kind of plan out their day in their head, and if I ask them to do stuff, they feel that I have dumped on them.  They feel especially irked if I add to that list once I gave them an initial list.  That said, they are happy to do tasks if I mention them in advance, have a set scope of work that we both agree to, and give them some time to arrange their lives to do the work.

I wonder if your kid is wired the same.  Can you sit down and negotiate a list of things that you just want to give him control over for the summer? We've had to move towards more of a roommate approach in our household as our kids have started to enter adulthood, and yet have remained home (due to HCOL).  Negotiating stuff out and handing over responsibility hasn't always gone smoothly, but it's a different dynamic from when I was a parent assigning work. We're not exactly equal, but we're not the previous dynamic either.  Pulling a "I'm the parent and I'm paying the bills around here so you need to do some sweat equity" is not helpful for family harmony.

[regentrude]

I would expect him to contribute to normal daily chores. However,  I wouldn't create a 3 hour task list ( I don't spend 3 hours a day on housework myself) and I would not assign him extra "projects". I can see how he would balk at this and feel used.

I believe in the value of unstructured time. I work 9 months and am not employed during summers, and I relish time with nothing planned. I don't think this is necessarily negative and time must be filled with work. However, every household member should contribute to the daily tasks involved in living.

Eta: I agree with pp that predictability is important. As a teen, I hated being asked to do something right away and always wanted to have notice of the tasks. So, maybe he can be responsible for litter boxes, but isn't micromanaged when he does them.

 

 

Edited May 21 by regentrude

[gstharr]

7 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

  Negotiating stuff out and handing over responsibility hasn't always gone smoothly, but it's a different dynamic from when I was a parent assigning work. We're not exactly equal, but we're not the previous dynamic either.  Pulling a "I'm the parent and I'm paying the bills around here so you need to do some sweat equity" is not helpful for family harmony.

I need to remember this!

[almondbutterandjelly]

I get where you're coming from.  As moms, we have a ton of stuff to do and it makes sense to shift some load to the unemployed nearly adult.  However, my very compliant adult college-age dd would balk at what you are doing, too.  Is it an order or a request?  Consider that.  If it's a request (which might go over better in the wording), then they do have the option to say no.  If it's an order, and although to all of us moms, it seems very reasonable, it will not go over well.  The dc feels it's out of the blue and so much time and they never get a break.  Kind of woe is me stuff.  I don't have a solution, other than to ask and have no particular set time limits, but I would mention perhaps the "until you get a job, it would really help me out if you would..." as a spur to employment. 

No solutions, but his reaction is exactly the same as my dd's would be.  They do not carry the mental load or awareness of tasks that moms carry.  They see it as pressure.

[Katy]

Scooping litter takes less than 5 minutes. Keeping up with dishes takes less than 15 (assuming they are kept up with daily). 

The cushion covers take a few hours, but probably less than an hour of hands-on time. 
 

I would not be gentle about this at all. 

[Scarlett]

I don’t think you are being unreasonable  at all. I cannot tolerate adults in the home who do not help with normal household/yard stuff. It was a big issue with our sons.  Especially the youngest since he lived with us until he was 22. I was so happy when he moved out. We get along much better now.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

Scooping litter takes less than 5 minutes. Keeping up with dishes takes less than 15 (assuming they are kept up with daily). 

The cushion covers take a few hours, but probably less than an hour of hands-on time. 
 

I would not be gentle about this at all. 

Right. I don’t know why we have to tip toe around adults who don’t pull their weight. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I don't think the underlying issue is the work, or the reasonableness of the request.  I agree that that is an entirely reasonable amount of work and that all household members should contribute to the household.  I think the underlying issue is that the young adult is transitioning to adult independence (including having control over his schedule) and this is a hiccupy point where both sides are negotiating their new relationship dynamics with each other.  Offer some grace and smooth the relationship.  It's not like kids are graced on their 18th birthday by the wisdom and maturity fairy. It's a hiccupy and bumpy road, and developmentally the young adult isn't yet seeing the full weight of managing a household or the reasonableness of him taking on more home tasks while the income earners are grinding at providing for everyone.  He'll get there, but he doesn't yet have enough experience to inform his opinions.  Eventually life will grind him down and he'll figure it out like we did.  For now, just manage the relationship by asking differently in a way he's more likely to accept.  We generally raise good people. Trust that he is a good person, but still just a bit immature.

[TechWife]

I'll be the odd person out. I think whoever is responsible for getting those things done when he's not there should continue to do them. Our adult son lives with us. He's responsible for the areas he uses - his apartment and a hall bathroom. He has free access to the entire house and is fully integrated into family life (we eat together, he can have whatever food he wants, he does his laundry & hangs out with us whenever he wants to). He did chores growing up as a way to teach him skills & responsibility. That's no longer our role in his life, so he we don't assign him chores. I occasionally will ask him to help with something out of the ordinary, which he does willingly, and he almost always automatically takes care of the trash  & recycling. If he uses anything he puts it away (dishes he dirties he washes or puts them in the dishwasher, for example).

[ScoutTN]

Your requests are reasonable.

Everyone who lives in our house does some chores every week. Not negotiable. Big projects or extra things we discuss and sometimes pay kids to do. Our kids have had some work/job/income since they were 14. 
 

A job would not be optional for a 19 yo in my house. My almost 19 yo pays for her own phone, gas, and fun money. She contributes towards the cost of car insurance and buys gifts too. On what she makes working at a coffeeshop or tutoring or or dog sitting or working at summer camp. 

We do not require our high school teens to work full time in the summer because they have had other commitments (scouting, youth group, camp, sports). But college age is another thing. They are legal adults, they can begin to shoulder adult responsibility. 

Some vaca is definitely in order, but no paid work and giving flack about doing simple chores would be unacceptable here. 

Edited May 21 by ScoutTN

[kbutton]

I’m with @prairiewindmomma, and I also would be super upset if my kids used that logic on me. I can see where he might see one-time infrequent jobs as saving them up for him, but he should also realize that his presence in your home is on the same awkward schedule. However, if he wants the ability to use his time mostly as he pleases, some one-off jobs where timing isn’t critical is more freeing than taking over several minimal but constant/daily jobs.

It’s good that he wants to deep clean his room! I would encourage that, but don’t let him put it off forever.

I don’t have paid work except for a seasonal job, which makes it harder, but I am very low energy (I am really tired all the time), and I spend the equivalent of a part-time job managing a lot of stuff for my medically complex teen and also getting him hooked up with community resources like job coaching (both my kids are neurodivergent).

I would try to find chores that pertain more to him specifically—if the cat is not his cat, maybe list out jobs that help everyone and let him gravitate toward jobs that he feels more ownership of. That could be cleaning/tidying any common-use space, cleaning the bathroom he uses, mowing the lawn, cooking meals, shopping for food, taking turns with washing household laundry (such as towels that everyone uses), etc. 

I have one that age that works rather than going to college, and he is incredibly helpful. We do have to negotiate timing, and it requires more give and take because he works a variety of shifts, including on weekends. If he’s feeling resentful, there is usually a reason, and we work on it—sometimes it’s just talking through frustration with a less than ideal schedule or bad werk. He does some things that are above and beyond, and we try to reciprocate—a lot of parents would charge rent for a working young adult, but he saves us too much in helpful stuff (household repairs, oil changes, running errands, and taking on more mental load for those sorts of things than DH does, frankly). We did start asking for grocery money, but it’s not a lot. He does sometimes need reminders for things not in his wheelhouse, but he more than makes up for it in reminding me about maintenance and other things that I never have to worry about. It’s different because he’s here all the time, but it gets at the need for people to be able to use their own strengths to contribute.

With a student that comes and goes, so much more dialog and setting of expectations is required. They are both very independent and very not, and it’s unnatural.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

When DD was that age, DH and I were both working really hard, and she came home with a plan that made me so mad I could hardly even talk when she announced it--we were to empty out her room of all of her furniture, paint it lime green, and give her the means to decorate it the industrial way that she wanted to.  Now, if she had had rainbows and balloons painted on her dressers, I could see part of this, but she did not have any childish furnishings.  To do what she demanded we would have had to take at least a week off from work each, and rented a storage unit or given away the perfectly good dresser, armoire, and trunk in her room in favor of a clothes line style hanging device for her clothes and iirc some kind of metal netting stuff, prepped and repainted the room, and then she would have left in two months.  It was unreasonable, and the way she ordered us to do this was pretty much intolerable, definitely not in keeping with how we had ever related to each other.

Instead we sat down with her at the beginning of the summer and said that we expected her to pitch in at home somewhat, but that as an ongoing thing she could either attend college classes or get a job or spend about 4-6 hours/day during the week on family projects.  Family projects were things that were above and beyond short, simple daily chores.  We said that we were unwilling to use our vacation time to redecorate her room, but that we would plan a nice family trip instead that we could all enjoy.  And we taught her how to look for, get, and keep a job, which served her well from then on.

[ScoutTN]

23 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I'll be the odd person out. I think whoever is responsible for getting those things done when he's not there should continue to do them. Our adult son lives with us. He's responsible for the areas he uses - his apartment and a hall bathroom. He has free access to the entire house and is fully integrated into family life (we eat together, he can have whatever food he wants, he does his laundry & hangs out with us whenever he wants to). He did chores growing up as a way to teach him skills & responsibility. That's no longer our role in his life, so he we don't assign him chores. I occasionally will ask him to help with something out of the ordinary, which he does willingly, and he almost always automatically takes care of the trash  & recycling. If he uses anything he puts it away (dishes he dirties he washes or puts them in the dishwasher, for example).

Not sure the situation is parallel to the OP’s? Is your son working FT or a FT student in the summer? Also, your Ds seems willing and proactive about helping; hers does not. 

[Pawz4me]

29 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I'll be the odd person out. I think whoever is responsible for getting those things done when he's not there should continue to do them. Our adult son lives with us. He's responsible for the areas he uses - his apartment and a hall bathroom. He has free access to the entire house and is fully integrated into family life (we eat together, he can have whatever food he wants, he does his laundry & hangs out with us whenever he wants to). He did chores growing up as a way to teach him skills & responsibility. That's no longer our role in his life, so he we don't assign him chores. I occasionally will ask him to help with something out of the ordinary, which he does willingly, and he almost always automatically takes care of the trash  & recycling. If he uses anything he puts it away (dishes he dirties he washes or puts them in the dishwasher, for example).

That's pretty much how it works here with our adult son. But the key differences are that I don't work (and neither does DH), DS works full time, and there aren't other people living in this house. Just the three of us. IMO it's a totally different thing when there are more people in the house and both parents are working full time.

Edited May 21 by Pawz4me

[TechWife]

1 minute ago, ScoutTN said:

Not sure the situation is parallel to the OP’s? Is your son working FT or a FT student in the summer? Also, your Ds seems willing and proactive about helping; hers does not. 

His job situation and/or willingness to help doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s our responsibility to maintain our household, not his. 

[fairfarmhand]

I think that sitting down at the beginning of each week and discussing the timing of chores is a good way of managing this.  “Do you want to do all the big chores on one day so you have relatively small amounts of work each day to manage on the daily? That’s fine.” 

Eta: I think if my dh and I sat down on Sunday evening and laid out “here’s what my Monday looks like. Dh what’s yours like. Ds, what do you want to handle for us, because we’re kind of swamped and really need your help” my kid would be embarrassed to say “yes I heard about all your work and I’m gonna slouch around the house all week.” 

but my kids do respond well to the “is this fair” argument. And as adults they realize that the whole reason they don’t get charge rent or have to pitch in for groceries is because mom and dad are working hard. The way they can show their appreciation for that is to do the few things I ask for them. And if there’s a conflict with scheduling or just plain preference, I’m open to that discussion. I don’t think I’d want to establish a time frame. Because some kids work more efficiently than others.

Edited May 21 by fairfarmhand

[happypamama]

I think you're being reasonable. He needs to do something productive with his time, whether it's summer classes, a job, or helping with family chores. It's great that he wants to deep clean his room, but that mostly benefits him, rather than the family. But the family is still shouldering the cost of having him live there with food, mortgage, etc. I think it is reasonable to expect him to help with chores if he's not working. 

 

I say this, but my own 19yo does not do a lot of household chores, primarily because he works a lot. He will help if I ask him to, but he works the late shift, and needs to prioritize sleep for his own health (more than most people), so he's often asleep in the first part of the day and at work in the second half of the day. He takes care of the dog, but to be fair, the dog is his. But the difference is that I don't work. I'd consider it completely reasonable to ask for more household help if I did. 

 

I suppose I'd sit down with him and ask what's up. Adulthood means some responsibilities. If he won't get a job, then he needs to be helping the family because living at home after high school is not a given. He is fortunate that he has the ability to live at home where meals, internet, lights, etc. are provided. If he's not able to contribute in any way, perhaps it's a mental health issue and needs medical attention and therapy. (That sounds snarky; I don't mean it to. I mean it honestly.) 

 

I think I'd also ask if he has a preference for chores. Maybe he'd get a kick out of planning the meals and cooking. Or maybe instead of giving him a list at first, you can have him walk alongside you as you do the litter boxes, wash the dishes, and wash the couch covers. I can't imagine those would take more than an hour-ish, so maybe doing them alongside you will show him that it's really not too taxing. 

 

Also, has your DH weighed in? Sometimes that male presence makes a difference. 

Edited May 21 by happypamama

[ScoutTN]

2 minutes ago, TechWife said:

His job situation and/or willingness to help doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s our responsibility to maintain our household, not his. 

I disagree. The OP’s son seems to show an entitlement attitude and a lack of diligence that are problematic and that Dh and I would never allow in our home.
 

Adults work. Not everyone gets paid, as we moms and homeschoolers know well. I’d be fine with a 19 yo not working FT if he had an internship, a good volunteer gig, or academic work.  Not fine with a 19 yo taking 12 weeks of vacation, not earning any money, and refusing to do small, easy chores. This is not adult behavior. 

[Scarlett]

43 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

I disagree. The OP’s son seems to show an entitlement attitude and a lack of diligence that are problematic and that Dh and I would never allow in our home.
 

Adults work. Not everyone gets paid, as we moms and homeschoolers know well. I’d be fine with a 19 yo not working FT if he had an internship, a good volunteer gig, or academic work.  Not fine with a 19 yo taking 12 weeks of vacation, not earning any money, and refusing to do small, easy chores. This is not adult behavior. 

I agree. Entitlement for sure. Does he realize I wonder that mom and dad are not required to give him a place to live for the summer. They do though because they love and support him. So carry your adult weight and show some appreciation . 

[SKL]

When you've cooled down, a discussion is in order.

It is not wrong to ask him to help around the house some.  Even if he were working and/or going to school, it would be quite normal to ask this, although some of us do happily lighten the chore load when the kids have a lot going on.

Teens and young adults should help, but it's pretty common for them to not really want to.  😛  They also will commonly view this as you "enslaving" them, even if it's their crap they're picking up, while you are in the other room washing their laundry and cooking their dinner.  😛  Don't take it personally.  It's just part of the illogical thinking of young people.

What tends to work best for me:

• Give plenty of advance warning if possible.  At least a couple days, so he can mentally adjust his attitude and his schedule.
• Text, if a face to face discussion is not likely to go well.  Matter-of-fact text reminders the night before maybe.
• If possible, tie it to something he wants from you.  Do you own the car he drives?  He doesn't get to use it if he refuses to do his part at home.  Does he want to have his friends over?  No guests unless the house is decent to your [young adult] guest standards.
• Consider discussing whether there are specific jobs he would be happier to do than the ones you have in mind.  Like, if he would do the cooking on certain days, you would be happy to launder the upholstery.
• A little guilt re pet care.  😛  Seriously, the litter box?  I would couch that as him being a cruel pet owner if he doesn't want to do that much for his own pets.  And that would be our last pet if my adult kids gave me guff about basic pet care.

 

I'm already telling my kids (whose last school day is 5/31) that, come June, they will be responsible to keep after the areas of the house that they use* (and also the car). This is in addition to them having summer jobs and doing certain preparations for college.  They will still have time for socializing, exercise, and chilling.  They'll just need to plan for it.

I mean, how do they think we do it?  Or are moms not entitled to a moment's rest?  Sure, when they're too little to do anything and need constant supervision, our lives are not our own.  But now it's time for us to enjoy the arts / books / old movies / nature, sleep in, take care of our aging bodies, connect with our friends and family ... when we are off the work clock.

*Why make my kids keep after the whole house and car?  Because it's their mess.  The adults clean after themselves.  The dog doesn't, but he's their dog.  😛  Also, they are the only ones bringing friends over.  And, I pay to have weekly lawn service and bi-weekly maid service.  And it's not like I'm never going to clean anything.  I like cleaning!  I just want them to feel responsible to pick up / wipe up after themselves as they go, like I do.  Their current slovenly habits are not sustainable.  (They also handle their own meals & will handle their own laundry.)

[athena1277]

Does he need money for next school year?  My college dd tends to drag her feet about getting a job every summer.  The only thing that motivates her is she knows she can’t go back to school unless she has the money to pay the balance after scholarships and student loans.  We help with what we can, but we cannot afford to pay the balance.

[Bootsie]

Summer can be an odd time for college students--and it varies a lot depending upon whether they are away from home for the academic year, how challenged they are by their college work, if they have long-term career goals or a struggling with "what to do when I grow up", if their high school friends are in town.  They are in a stiuation in which everything around them is the same but has also changed--are they a child at home? are they a guest?  Has their bedroom been used by a sibling in their absence?  What was the norm for them to do during summer when in elementary and high school also plays a factor.  Was summer break a time for camp? going swimming? schooling year round?  

With my kids, I tried not to focus on what I thought they should be doing or structuring their time for them.  I tried to focus on what I was willing to do. Things like:  I am willing to pay $x for college tuition and room and board, any other fun money you want you must earn.  Any summer money you earn and save for graduate school I will match dollar for dollar.  You are welcome to use the kitchen so long as you clean up after yourself.  You may invite friends over to my house if you will mow the grass for me.  I would ask them to help out with things in a way that gave them some flexibility and ownership--It would be very helpful if you could wash and vacuum my car for me this week.  Is there a time that you could do that for me?  

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

Humans need to be a bit productive. I’m not a busy bee and am a firm believer in down-time, but not 2.5 months of 24/7 downtime. That much downtime is just as mentally unhealthy as running non-stop. There’s balance.

100% agree.

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

My thought is to give him up to 3 hours of work a day, 4 tops and 2 at a minimum. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, but wanted to know what everyone else thought.

I think multiple hours per day sounds reasonable while he is not working.  If he works full time, I'd dial that back some.

[aggie96]

My 19yo is home too (2 weeks off before volunteering 8 hr/wk and 3 summer online classes). My 16yo school and extracurr just ended for summer. My 14yo is still in school (although canceled temporarily due to storm damage). DH and I work full time for ourselves and others from home.

 

Just last night there was 5 daily chores that needed to be done plus some school work and wage-work. I listed the items (including my wage-work-I'll train them) and told everyone to pick. The day before, I assigned the chores (load/unload dishwasher, take out trash, scoop litter, etc--maybe 6 items) and listened to so much complaining. New approach last night worked better. They immediately took the easy stuff and left me to work. That little stuff adds up for me, but not if it's divided to others. They did NOT want to do my wage-work (and they already know some and are trainable). 

I expect help from anyone who is sitting around on the couch for hours. I have no problem with down time--I encourage it. But not full-time down time. My kiddos have heard many times that it takes the whole crew to make the house function. I still get push back but can usually reduce it when I help remind/frame it for them. (I sometimes have to reframe this for DH too)

I could not find 2-4 hours worth of work around the house to complete. But I do expect the 15 minutes a day collective-chores stuff to be done by whoever is available every day. I would not hesitate to ask a person to complete a bigger project too, but likely would not do that every week. Maybe 2-3 projects over the summer months.

 

[EKS]

You are being reasonable, however, I think that instead of informing him that a bunch of things need to be done in the next 8 hours, I'd let him know that in general I will be expecting him to do X daily and in addition, Y and Z need to be done sometime in the next week.  This gives him more advance notice about your expectations as well as some control over when he does things.

[SKL]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

I don’t think I’d want to establish a time frame. Because some kids work more efficiently than others.

I agree with this also.  There's also no motivation to be efficient if the main parameter is time.

[gardenmom5]

maybe time to do some "reality bites" parenting.

he wants to live at home?  - he can PAY to do his wash.  (water, detergent, heat, etc all cost money that you are paying) He can pay to eat, he can pay to use the TV/electronics/WIFI, he can pay to have a room, etc.  these are all things you are paying for him to use.  He's not a little kid anymore - then you can hire someone to do the chores he refuses to do.

if you want to be soft - give him play money, and when it's gone - he's out of luck.   He'll need to do more to earn more.

it may motivate him to go find an actual paying job which would at least get him out of your hair for part of the day.

[Arcadia]

3 hours ago, Garga said:

This isn’t really like him, but I’m remembering that he had a bad attitude about it last summer, too, so it’s a trend.

 

2 hours ago, Garga said:

I gave him that first week completely off. Didn’t even expect him to clean up his room or do dishes.

How is the weather where you are? I have been woken up by the sun before 6am daily and I am a night owl which means I am sleep deprived and relying on coffee. DS19 doesn't sleep that well in summer either. Wondering if sleep quality might be a factor in your son' attitude.  Another factor may be wanting to be with his friends since last summer would be before they split up for college and this summer would be catching up time.

I would write up a weekly chore list and let him choose which ones he want to help out in. For example, DS19 knows how to do laundry but DS18 is meticulous and very particular about laundry so it makes more sense for DS18 to do that task if DH (who loves laundry) hasn't done it. Your son might prefer to vacuum and mop instead of doing the laundry for example. 

[SKL]

13 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Another factor may be wanting to be with his friends since last summer would be before they split up for college and this summer would be catching up time.

I was thinking, though, that it's likely that his peers have jobs or soon will.  For my kids, I feel that's been helpful in motivating them.  Otherwise they get the attitude that they're doing me a favor if they go get themselves a job.  😛

[Indigo Blue]

Garga, I’m sorry your son is behaving this way. I wish I had some good advice. I do agree that you are being reasonable, and I support you. Hopefully he will come around, mature, and see how his behavior has hurt you. 

[BronzeTurtle]

2 hours ago, TechWife said:

His job situation and/or willingness to help doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s our responsibility to maintain our household, not his. 

If he's living there, it's also his household, even if only temporarily.

Even my toddlers had a "household" that they are part of and can pick up toys.

A 19yo who enjoys household comforts should have an attitude of contribution, not just consumption.

But at 19yo, a child has already essentially been parented. They are still malleable but if they don't feel positive about being a contributing member of a household (esp while living rent free) I don't know that you can make them do so.  I mean if they aren't members of the household, what would he be classified as? A tenent? A roommate? Either of those situations and he and would be paying rent and handling all his own stuff independently. He would have his own household to maintain. but I doubt that's what the OP's DS is going for.

Edited May 21 by BronzeTurtle

[ScoutTN]

OP, does he have a phone and a vehicle that you and your Dh pay for? Fun money? Does he contribute anything financially?

At 19 he needs to be moving toward reality. These things are not free. I would tell him that his spending money goes away and limitations on car and phone happen unless he gets a job working at least 15-20 hrs a week.

What is his currency? What else can be used as a lever to help move him into more mature behavior patterns, if rational conversation fails? 

Agree with the pp about time frame on chores. Giving some freedom on scheduling is good and reasonable.

Edited May 21 by ScoutTN

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

I disagree. The OP’s son seems to show an entitlement attitude and a lack of diligence that are problematic and that Dh and I would never allow in our home.
 

Adults work. Not everyone gets paid, as we moms and homeschoolers know well. I’d be fine with a 19 yo not working FT if he had an internship, a good volunteer gig, or academic work.  Not fine with a 19 yo taking 12 weeks of vacation, not earning any money, and refusing to do small, easy chores. This is not adult behavior. 

Like I said, work and household chores are two different things. The time for teaching has passed. If an adult feels entitled, then it’s their problem, not mine. I’m only responsible for how I respond to them. I hope, as certain as you are about that you “would never allow” that attitude in your home, that you are comfortable with kicking your kids out of the house, even if they have nowhere to go, because when you say “never,” that’s a very firm line, and it’s a really ugly one.