19 yo doesn’t think he needs to help around the house this summer

[Ottakee]

Have you tried a list of chores/tasks to be done?   I have one that will follow the list and get things done but balks at being told and reminded to do things.

[KungFuPanda]

What you don’t want to turn loose on the world is another man who sincerely believes housework isn’t his responsibility. You’ve been doing everything long enough to know how long it takes. I say give him two hours of tasks if he’s not working and one hour if he is. (Skip the weekends if you want to be nice.) If he wants to drag it out and take half the day, that’s on him but we all know it takes literally five minutes to unload dishwasher. A small yard is quick to mow. Laundry can be folded while you watch a movie. Floors can be swept while you listen to music. Nobody needs a wide open schedule for two whole months. I’m betting if you checked his phone usage he’d average 5-7 hours a day. He HAS time and you can’t burn out doing a few daily chores. He’s being dramatic. His future partners will thank you for fixing this now. 

[freesia]

1 hour ago, bolt. said:

That's interesting. It suggests, maybe, that we might all feel a little less frustrated about adult kids at home if they were guided to focus primarily on lessening their negative impact on shared spaces as a first step.

It probably also has something to do with privilege in the first place, because it's easier to ignore other people's messes 'in their own space' if there's lots of space to go around. It definitely helps (a ton!) me that my pair of teen and adult kids each have a solo bathroom, and also each have some living space that I think of as theirs (in addition to a bedroom each). I don't occupy myself with thinking about or cleaning those spaces myself.

The only impact on my chore routine with the return of my adult daughter has been a slightly more frequent need to empty/fill the dishwasher, and a few extra items on the kitchen counters sometimes, for me to clear up when I'm already clearing counters, and a few extra items at the grocery store that I'm already shopping at. That's a change of maybe 2 to 5 minutes of work per day for me. The floors have been really normal, their laundry is their own, and their clutter is confined to their own space, or boxed if it's left in shared spaces.

Yes, having their own hang out space that you don’t clean makes a difference as does the fact that you don’t cook for them(?) I would argue though that having them clean their rooms, bathroom, hang out space and do their own laundry and cook(?) isn’t much different than having chores around the house in a house with more shared space. 

[happypamama]

44 minutes ago, SKL said:

I would also add that although a 19yo is legally an adult, that doesn't mean a parent's job is completely over at that age.

 

This is so, so true. Young adults need different support and scaffolding than little people, but our jobs are definitely not done at that age. 

[freesia]

33 minutes ago, gstharr said:

Wow, I am surprised by how few of us there are in this discussion. To be honest, my kid had no assigned chores growing up. Occasionally, I would ask him to help me fold clothes, or to take out the trash, or every now and wash the car.  My reason was that I had him doing so many things k-12, that I didn't have the heart to take a minute of his free time away (e.g. afterschool math and science, athletics and competitions, math circle, then his own ECs --debate, robotics, building a race car with a school team, and socializing).  Now, he will be briefly home for this summer after freshman year, and  he still has precious little down time.  For example, he took a final this morning, had to finish moving out his dorm, and now is on a six hour flight home. First thing in the morning, he will be on-lining something for one of his summer employment programs, then in the afternoon doing something in person for another program.  So, I don't expect him to much of anything else when he is here. He is pulling his weight in a way I see more beneficial for him and me than  having him mow the lawn or something.

Garga’s son is not working or in an employment program or anything. He has loads of free time. 

[Garga]

37 minutes ago, gstharr said:

Wow, I am surprised by how few of us there are in this discussion. To be honest, my kid had no assigned chores growing up. Occasionally, I would ask him to help me fold clothes, or to take out the trash, or every now and wash the car.  My reason was that I had him doing so many things k-12, that I didn't have the heart to take a minute of his free time away (e.g. afterschool math and science, athletics and competitions, math circle, then his own ECs --debate, robotics, building a race car with a school team, and socializing).  Now, he will be briefly home for this summer after freshman year, and  he still has precious little down time.  For example, he took a final this morning, had to finish moving out his dorm, and now is on a six hour flight home. First thing in the morning, he will be on-lining something for one of his summer employment programs, then in the afternoon doing something in person for another program.  So, I don't expect him to much of anything else when he is here. He is pulling his weight in a way I see more beneficial for him and me than  having him mow the lawn or something.

But what if your son didn’t do after school math and science or athletic competitions or math circle and his own EC’s? No debate, no robotics, no race car, but yes to limited socializing (introvert.) What if he doesn’t have summer employment programs? 

The only activities they had to do when I homeschooled them was two days a week of karate lessons (I counted it as gym.) They didn’t like it because they wanted to stay home, but I insisted on one activity outside the house. I told them they could pick anything outside the house, but they had to pick one thing. They went with the karate and never picked anything else, though I’d ask them from time to time if they wanted something else and would offer suggestions.

In high school, they began working at McDonalds for about 6 hours a week, and dropped doing karate.

I didn’t make them do chores during the school year, except occasional chores like weekly trash night. My oldest is currently taking a summer college class and I’ll ask him to do probably just the dishes and that’s it.

Right now, DS19 has literally nothing to do all day. No planned activities. No job. No projects. Nothing. A few of the posters who are saying that they wouldn’t ask their kids to do chores, then go on to say that the kids have summer classes or jobs. He doesn’t and that makes a difference. 

I saw how that went over the 6 week winter break. Let on his own, he didn’t putter around keeping busy even half the day. And he complained of being bored quite often, probably daily.

He’s a good kid and I’m not a harsh parent by a long shot, so it’s not like he’s suffering by being asked to do chores. I hold our relationship very highly and have gotten some wonderful tools from the hive for maintaining the dignity of all involved and practical tips for working together to come up with a plan for the summer. I do believe it would be a disservice to him to have no goals and no productivity all summer long. (3 full months—I thought it was 2.5, but it’s 3.). 

I especially like the ideas of listing the work that needs to be done for us to choose, and not assigning due dates whenever possible so he can manage his own time. Maybe it’s my “problem” but I can’t watch a capable, smart young man fritter away 3 months. Maybe it’s my protestant work ethic upbringing, but I feel icky inside when I think about it. Two/three hours a day of productivity is all I’m asking. The other 13-14 hours are for him to fritter away as he wills. 

 

Edited May 22 by Garga

[happypamama]

1 minute ago, Garga said:

I especially like the ideas of listing the work that needs to be done for us to choose, and not assigning due dates whenever possible so he can manage his own time. Maybe it’s my “problem” but I can’t watch a capable, smart, man fritter away 3 months. Maybe it’s my protestant work ethic upbringing, but I feel icky inside when I think about it. Two/three hours a day of productivity is all I’m asking. The other 13-14 hours are for him to fritter away as he wills. 

 

Agreeing with you. My boys have a lot of free time, and too much is not good for them. It's helped my 19yo a lot to know that there are expectations on him. In his case, it's a job, but even my 15yo (if you can believe that that happy lil dude is 15 and taller than I am!) does better when there is something expected of him, whether that's schoolwork or household help. I'd think of it more in terms not of hours put in but things done to contribute. 

[gstharr]

14 minutes ago, Garga said:

But what if your son didn’t do after school math and science or athletic competitions or math circle and his own EC’s? No debate, no robotics, no race car, but yes to limited socializing (introvert.) What if he doesn’t have summer employment programs? 
 

Well, when you put it that way, I hope that  I would have the will to get his a-- off the couch.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I would read his mowing the lawn as a silent "mom, sorry I was out of line earlier". 

I think task makes a big difference. I recall hating to be asked to do certain chores but would happily spend more time shoveling coal, splitting wood, or lugging heavy stuff. Instead of washing couch cushions I would have begged for another assignment. 

Well this is true.   When I was a teen I gladly cooked and cleaned to get out of working in the garden.  I hated the garden so much.  But I did a lot.  I also did anything my mom asked of me immediately without question.  My brother?  Not so much.  He might get back with mom in 3-5 business days.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

It certainly doesn't sound like a lost cause.  I hope your discussions go well.

Thanks for sharing that your paid job is for him.  Does he know that?  I don't know that I'd tell him in the context of the current fuss, but I think it would help if he came to understand that you are working 10 hours a day so that he can live his dream in the future.  That is absolutely huge.  (Maybe his dad should tell him that actually.)

100% agree.  What a gift to have a mom who goes to work full time to put you through college.  He needs to be made aware of that at some point.  

[BusyMom5]

He's being a brat.  It happened to me with DD1 her first summer home.  It was like she forgot that everyone pitches in to do all the chores- nothing changed!  She just thought she would be waited on, and she just didn't look for a job.  I had no idea what to do.  What ended up happening is younger sister shamed her, lol!  It was a funny take-down, but she said what I couldn't.   Entitled brat, no one gets a free ride.  She went out and got a job the next week.  I won't say it was a good summer but we survived.  The next year she got am internship and this summer Europe mini-mester and then an internship. It didn't last 😎

[SKL]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well this is true.   When I was a teen I gladly cooked and cleaned to get out of working in the garden.  I hated the garden so much.  But I did a lot.  I also did anything my mom asked of me immediately without question.  My brother?  Not so much.  He might get back with mom in 3-5 business days.  

LOL.

My sibs and I were all over the place in terms of doing chores.  I was the one who would do what I was told, although I admit to grumbling at times.  I think my mom gave me more chores because it was the  [relatively] easy path.  Because if she asked most of my siblings, they would either completely ignore her or raise a big fuss.  As a teen, I used to fume over the "unfairness," but as a parent, I can understand it.  You got up, got your kids to school, worked in an office all day.  Who has the energy to then fight with teens all night?

ETA my dad did make my brothers do some things that I was glad to avoid.  Like, whenever the sewer backed up in the basement, my dad and older brothers got to go down there and clean it up.  So I'm not complaining too loud over here.

Edited May 22 by SKL

[Frances]

4 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Her son goes to college all year, and I would be more than happy to let him have his summer off. He will only be a carefree college kid for a short time, and then he will have all of the normal adult work responsibilities. I don't really view college kids as "adults" the same way many people on this forum do. I feel like they are only young once, so they might as well enjoy it.

I’m not sure most people of any age would actually enjoy 12 weeks off with no money coming in to use for even fun money. What if he wants to go out to eat with friends or even just for ice cream, who’s going to pay? I think many people would not deal well with that much unstructured, free time unless they have some very time consuming hobbies or a very active social life, which again, often take $. I would imagine most of his friends are either not home for the summer or busy working, volunteering, or doing internships during the day. 

I’m not sure how much chore time is appropriate, but it seems he should be doing at least as much as all other adults in the home.

[Jaybee]

I'm glad he pitched in today. Our kids grew up with chores, though they were less when they were in school full-time rather than homeschooling. Our philosophy has always been that if you live here, you contribute, even if mom isn't working. My dh said he didn't want them thinking/acting like I was their slave. Like OP said, we wanted our kids to grow up knowing how to take care of things around the house. I also believe that it helps them become more confident, self-sufficient adults. A couple didn't learn how to cook as much or as young, but are seeing the need more now and adjusting accordingly. 

I haven't had the need to do it for quite awhile, but when I had more kids at home, it was common for us to do the list thing, especially when we had guests coming (we would sometimes host a big group for Thanksgiving, etc.), or we just had a lot to do. It made it more of a family project. I'd make the list, and we would all initial what we were going to do. Made things much easier, and people tended to be more cheerful about it.

[Kuovonne]

11 hours ago, Garga said:

today I asked him to scoop the litter boxes, keep up with the dishes, and wash the couch blankets and couch cover. I was about to add some more items to the list, when he began objecting.  

I agree with everyone else who suggested that control over his schedule, advanced warning, and a bit of choice are important.

I also wonder if he actually knows how to do all of those tasks, especially washing the couch blankets and cover. Sometimes when I get backlash about asking my kids to do something, I later find out it was in part because the kid was uncertain about how to do the task or had misconceptions about the task. It could be something really silly like where we store a particular tool in the house and once the kid knew the location, it became no big deal. 

Another reason I sometimes get resistance to doing tasks is because the kid thinks the task is pointless. If I ask a kid to clean something that the kid thinks doesn't need cleaning, it probably won't get cleaned as soon as I would like. Sometimes this takes negotiating to get us on the same page. Pulling rank and saying that the task must be done by x time simply because I said so when the kid thinks it doesn't need to be done at all just leads to a half-assed job and resentment.  

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Kuovonne said:

I agree with everyone else who suggested that control over his schedule, advanced warning, and a bit of choice are important.

I also wonder if he actually knows how to do all of those tasks, especially washing the couch blankets and cover. Sometimes when I get backlash about asking my kids to do something, I later find out it was in part because the kid was uncertain about how to do the task or had misconceptions about the task. It could be something really silly like where we store a particular tool in the house and once the kid knew the location, it became no big deal. 

Another reason I sometimes get resistance to doing tasks is because the kid thinks the task is pointless. If I ask a kid to clean something that the kid thinks doesn't need cleaning, it probably won't get cleaned as soon as I would like. Sometimes this takes negotiating to get us on the same page. Pulling rank and saying that the task must be done by x time simply because I said so when the kid thinks it doesn't need to be done at all just leads to a half-assed job and resentment.  

I just don’t know how you live with your mom your entire life and don’t understand about washing the couch blankets.  

[QueenCat]

12 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I just don’t know how you live with your mom your entire life and don’t understand about washing the couch blankets.  

My adult kids wouldn't know how to do that. I only do it a couple of times a year & doubt that I've ever told them how to do it. 

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

My adult kids wouldn't know how to do that. I only do it a couple of times a year & doubt that I've ever told them how to do it. 

Ooooh. I wash my couch blankets once a week.  

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

My adult kids wouldn't know how to do that. I only do it a couple of times a year & doubt that I've ever told them how to do it. 

Even still, how hard is it to wash couch blankets?

[Kuovonne]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Even still, how hard is it to wash couch blankets?

We rarely wash couch blankets, and I’m not sure my kids would know how to do it. The first time I did it, the washing machine probably started rocking because the load was not balanced. If there is a cover that is fitted to the couch, it might not be obvious to the kid how it goes on and off.

But that's not the point. My point is that my young adult kids have gaps in their knowledge of doing “simple” tasks because the tasks are not simple to them. I just thought I’d throw that idea out there in case someone finds it helpful. It took me a long time to figure out that this was something I needed to consider when I get resistance to a task, because in the moment the kid doesn't might not even know herself that this is the issue.

[Melissa in Australia]

I don't know how to wash couch blankets. I have never had any. I wouldn't think they would even fit in my machine. Would probably have to take to a laundry mat 

[Eos]

11 hours ago, Garga said:

He’s a good kid. I was really shocked at his pushback.

I remember when oldest came home for the first summer after college, it was rough. He was 19 and had never given us a moment of trouble as a homeschooled K-12 kid and teen. We were shocked at his bad attitude that first summer, he said some pretty mean things such as "why didn't you work full time when I was growing up so we could have more money for college," etc. I think dh and I chalked it up to his meeting people in college who didn't have our somewhat odd lifestyle. (It's normal where we live for folks to work really hard for half the year. Could we have moved to a place with a year-round economy? Yes. Did we travel and homeschool and revel in our downtime instead? Yes.) 

In the end we decided it was his summer of "teenage rebellion," and gave him grace. He did work his full-time job and helped around the house so it was more the attitude and less the physical work that was the challenge.

I felt distinctly like a cranky hen re-establishing the pecking order when he arrived back the first two summers which annoyed me about myself and I tried hard to avoid this reaction in the later year and with subsequent kids.

Garga, I'm sorry you are having to spend the mental energy here. Even making the chore chart and spearheading the choosing is work that you shouldn't have to do. But meeting the kid where he is just means you have a few more years of teaching how to adult. 

 

Edited May 22 by Eos

[skimomma]

I have been chewing on this topic for a bit as I also have a college-aged child.  Mine does not do any chores or projects when she is visiting our home yet I was still angry about the OP's situation.  That seemed contradictory so I stewed on it for a while and I think I untangled a distinction that might be relevant.  

My dd goes to college locally and she mostly supports herself, although we do contribute a small monetary amount when we can.  She always had chores and was expected to help out growing up.  But now, the only time she stays at our house is what I would classify as a "vacation."  Similar to what grown adults do when they come home to visit parents.  So, as I always expect to help when visiting my FOO or ILs by doing things like helping prepare and clean up meals, run random errands, or doing anything else that obviously needs doing, I expect dd to do the same.  And she does.  But if she did not, I would not force her to any more than I would expect my MIL to force me to do a chore while visiting.

However, there is a distinction between my dd's situation and the OP's.  Dd has not lived in our house since the day she moved into the dorms as a freshman.  She had an internship in another state the summer after her freshman year and has since been renting a house with two other students about one mile from our house.  Ironically, the rental house is almost identical to ours in size, shape, and age, but much rougher.  So she has been doing her own "chores" in her own house for years.  I am not going to ask her to do them at home too.  I want home to be a place to relax and be pampered a little.  And, yes, that means extra work for dh and me, which we can willingly handle, because no matter how respectful dd is, there really is more cooking, cleaning, and other tasks when the household expands by one person.

I think what might be getting lost here is that some college students are home on a "vacation/visit" basis while others are moving back in full-on for the summer or live at home while attending school/working.  I would treat these situations differently.  If a student is living in the home, especially if they are still financially supported by their parents, they should be treated as a member of that household and contribute in whatever way makes sense, ideally without any drama.  I certainly would make adjustments for a kid that is working a lot of hours or taking classes during that time, but if they are *living* in the house rather that *visiting,* I would expect them to pitch in to keep the household running.  

I will say that dd has two housemates.  One, like her, who knows how to do basic household chores and logistics.  And one that clearly grew up in a home in which he was never asked to do (or even witness) chores.  Dd has pretty much given up on trying to get this dude to do ANYTHING.  Like, he won't even return his dirty dishes to the kitchen, let alone wash them or put them away.  He is 100% oblivious.  For a while, they tried the whole chore chart thing and he never refused to participate, he is just helpless.  When it was his turn to clean the bathroom, dd showed him the basics after he claimed to not know what to do.  He did it, kind of.  But then the next time, no one could even tell he had tried.  He will do anything when asked, just not well.  They have given up and the other two just do all of the chores.  Like having a toddler, it is more work to get him to do it than to just do it themselves.  Don't be the parents of that guy*.

*Totally OT, but this guy saves up his laundry for weeks then brings it all home for his mom to do.  He then returns with stacks and stacks of individual meals that his mom made and froze.  He has his own dedicated chest freezer in the basement to store these meals.  All he has to do is remove the lid and microwave.  He never cooks or shops.  Mom makes enough for 3 meals a day for weeks at a time.  He also does not wash the freezer containers.  He chucks them into big rubbermaid bins to bring home (dirty) to his mom.  Luckily, the microwave and bins of stinky dirty dishes are stored in his room so it is not in a public space.  His mom even provides boxes of plastic silverware, which is a huge relief to dd as before she started doing that, dd had to keep nagging him to find and return the silverware in his room because they would be completely out in the kitchen.  This has been going on for 2+ years!  They would have kicked him out of the house after their first lease was up except that they decided the hassle of covering his chores is worth it because he spends all time outside of class in his room gaming and never ever has friends over, so aside from a few extra chores, it is like they have the house to themselves.  And he will also willingly help them remove spiders from the house....which both dd and the other housemate are terrified of.  So, if you are the parents of that guy, I suggest finding a special "talent" to make up for the lack of doing chores.

[wisdomandtreasures]

22 minutes ago, skimomma said:

Totally OT, but this guy saves up his laundry for weeks then brings it all home for his mom to do.  He then returns with stacks and stacks of individual meals that his mom made and froze.  He has his own dedicated chest freezer in the basement to store these meals.  All he has to do is remove the lid and microwave.  He never cooks or shops.  Mom makes enough for 3 meals a day for weeks at a time.  He also does not wash the freezer containers.  He chucks them into big rubbermaid bins to bring home (dirty) to his mom.  Luckily, the microwave and bins of stinky dirty dishes are stored in his room so it is not in a public space.  His mom even provides boxes of plastic silverware, which is a huge relief to dd as before she started doing that, dd had to keep nagging him to find and return the silverware in his room because they would be completely out in the kitchen.

Omg. I don't know how long I could put up with such a person. 

[sassenach]

I didn't read through all the replies, but I have found 19 to be the absolute worst age. My kids were all their worst selves at 19. I am not a gentle parent, so I can't speak to your dynamic, but I would charge him rent for the summer. He can either contribute to the household or pay cash money.

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I didn't read through all the replies, but I have found 19 to be the absolute worst age. My kids were all their worst selves at 19. I am not a gentle parent, so I can't speak to your dynamic, but I would charge him rent for the summer. He can either contribute to the household or pay cash money.

I think i do agree with your synopsis of the age. 19 is ROUGH.

[sassenach]

19 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I think i do agree with your synopsis of the age. 19 is ROUGH.

Just really snotty, right? Like who is this know-it-all, spoiled brat. They do get better! 

 

[MEmama]

The differences in "vacation" vs "living at home" dynamics make sense to me in explaining why many of us have opposing views on the situation.
 

My college kid lives a literal ocean away--he has a flat and a roommate, goes to the grocery and cooks for himself, cleans up, does his laundry and remembers to take dry clothes off the shared rack, manages his money, travels a fair bit with all the things involved, hosts and attends "Sunday supper" with a group of friends...plus goes to school.

In every way he "adults" every single day. He is autistic, has severe ADHD and is sometimes hanging on by the skin of his teeth, but he does it. You betcha when he visits I want him to have all the space to decompress and be taken care of. What adult doesn't want and need that from time to time (hence vacations, spa days, date nights, hiring a cleaner, taking mental health days etc etc)?  

[Pawz4me]

16 minutes ago, MEmama said:

What adult doesn't want and need that from time to time (hence vacations, spa days, date nights, hiring a cleaner, taking mental health days etc etc)?  

This is why I don't agree with the sentiment posted earlier that Garga (or her DH or the other DC who lives there) should continue doing the chores they had been doing, because once DS goes back to school they'll have to start doing them again. That makes no sense to me. It's like saying why take a vacation or a day off work since you'll just have to go back again.

[skimomma]

1 hour ago, wisdomandtreasures said:

Omg. I don't know how long I could put up with such a person. 

But, he does remove spiders.  Without killing them.  So.......?

[SKL]

19 hours ago, skimomma said:

But, he does remove spiders.  Without killing them.  So.......?

And here I’ve been throwing in my spider removal services for free all these years ….

Edited May 23 by SKL

[Indigo Blue]

Sigh. There is value in spider removal. But gee, I’ve never heard of any young adult whose mom caters to them to that extent. It’s no wonder he doesn’t know how to do anything. 
 

My gc brother never had to do chores. He’s not good at cleaning and doing household work to this day. I’m pretty sure my mom does most of it. He was never taught how, nor did he ever have any expectations placed on him. 
 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

12 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Sigh. There is value in spider removal. But gee, I’ve never heard of any young adult whose mom caters to them to that extent. It’s no wonder he doesn’t know how to do anything. 
 

My gc brother never had to do chores. He’s not good at cleaning and doing household work to this day. I’m pretty sure my mom does most of it. He was never taught how, nor did he ever have any expectations placed on him. 
 

 

I went out a few times with a guy who was in graduate school studying to be a pastor.  He invited me over to his apartment for pizza.  Then he said that it was the only thing that he knew how to cook.  Then he failed to change the oven setting from broil to bake.  He literally did not know how to cook ANYTHING.  And he had gotten all the way through college like that.

[freesia]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

The differences in "vacation" vs "living at home" dynamics make sense to me in explaining why many of us have opposing views on the situation.
 

My college kid lives a literal ocean away--he has a flat and a roommate, goes to the grocery and cooks for himself, cleans up, does his laundry and remembers to take dry clothes off the shared rack, manages his money, travels a fair bit with all the things involved, hosts and attends "Sunday supper" with a group of friends...plus goes to school.

In every way he "adults" every single day. He is autistic, has severe ADHD and is sometimes hanging on by the skin of his teeth, but he does it. You betcha when he visits I want him to have all the space to decompress and be taken care of. What adult doesn't want and need that from time to time (hence vacations, spa days, date nights, hiring a cleaner, taking mental health days etc etc)?  

This totally makes sense. I do wonder if it might be good for him to handle some of that for you for a week this summer so he gets to give you an adulting break, too.  I think there’s value in giving and nit just receiving. But, your ds absolutely is doing a lot at school—more than a kid who stays in a dorm and it’s nice if you to give him a break. My dd is also out if the country living in an apartment. For me, asking her to fold laundry, make some meals and share in dinner chores is about welcoming her back into the family and letting her be part of something bigger than herself. Please don’t read this as criticizing your approach at all—I just wanted to share my perspective. 

[Frances]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

The differences in "vacation" vs "living at home" dynamics make sense to me in explaining why many of us have opposing views on the situation.
 

My college kid lives a literal ocean away--he has a flat and a roommate, goes to the grocery and cooks for himself, cleans up, does his laundry and remembers to take dry clothes off the shared rack, manages his money, travels a fair bit with all the things involved, hosts and attends "Sunday supper" with a group of friends...plus goes to school.

In every way he "adults" every single day. He is autistic, has severe ADHD and is sometimes hanging on by the skin of his teeth, but he does it. You betcha when he visits I want him to have all the space to decompress and be taken care of. What adult doesn't want and need that from time to time (hence vacations, spa days, date nights, hiring a cleaner, taking mental health days etc etc)?  

Does he visit for 12 or more weeks? The length of time involved would seem to make a difference. If they are home for Spring Break or a few weeks in the summer before they leave for a job, I could certainly see this approach. But the OP’s son is home for the entire summer with no job, internship, classes, or volunteer work currently planned.

For most people, I think 12 weeks or more of free downtime with no money to spend would start to be counterproductive to mental health at some point.

Edited May 22 by Frances

[wisdomandtreasures]

1 hour ago, skimomma said:

But, he does remove spiders.  Without killing them.  So.......?

I don't see the benefit here. I want the spiders that get in my house like Jacob Marley: dead as a doornail. 😉

Edited May 22 by wisdomandtreasures

[MEmama]

2 hours ago, skimomma said:

But, he does remove spiders.  Without killing them.  So.......?

A priceless skill. I'd keep almost any roommate around just for that ability alone! 

[ScoutTN]

4 hours ago, MEmama said:

The differences in "vacation" vs "living at home" dynamics make sense to me in explaining why many of us have opposing views on the situation.
 

My college kid lives a literal ocean away--he has a flat and a roommate, goes to the grocery and cooks for himself, cleans up, does his laundry and remembers to take dry clothes off the shared rack, manages his money, travels a fair bit with all the things involved, hosts and attends "Sunday supper" with a group of friends...plus goes to school.

In every way he "adults" every single day. He is autistic, has severe ADHD and is sometimes hanging on by the skin of his teeth, but he does it. You betcha when he visits I want him to have all the space to decompress and be taken care of. What adult doesn't want and need that from time to time (hence vacations, spa days, date nights, hiring a cleaner, taking mental health days etc etc)?  

Yes, I agree.

But a 19 yo doesn’t need 12 weeks of vacation.