Big Fights over stupid things in marriage

[Ginevra]

So this happens, not often at all, but let’s say once in three to five years. Dh and I get into an absolutely insane fight over a completely idiotic thing. And I suppose I am wondering, probably for the first time, if other lengthy marriages have this. 
 

By “insane fight,” I mean: very elevated voices, cussing (not direct like ‘You bitch! You bastard!’ but like, ‘that’s what I just f***ing SAID!’), doesn’t really resolve, nobody thinks they are wrong/apologizes (maybe eventually in a few instances but other times not), might be door-slamming exits and sleeping apart. 
 

We had one last night. It was over a policy at my job that, in his opinion, should be different. Mind you, this is not something that affects either of us; it’s a policy that does not come into play in my department and does not affect me (or him). Without saying the specifics, let’s say it is on the order of, “if you use a piece of paper to print personal work, you have to replace it with your own paper within a week.” 
 

Now - I know fights which are about “nothing” are actually about “something.” And the “something” in this case seems to be that I was discounting his “opinion”. But, to me, that is so dumb, because it does not matter what his opinion/my opinion is; it is policy. So I was saying about the thing, “No; you can’t do that! That is against the rules!” And he was arguing why his view is right. 🙄 And then arguing even more because I was dismissive of his “opinion”. And then I continued arguing that it wasn’t an “opinion” in the first place; it’s a policy and opinions are totally irrelevant. 

 

I’m very bothered over this. One of our kids was visiting and witnessed this whole de-volution. This kid has also witnessed a couple of the other “idiotic fights” over the years. Dinner ended on a super sour note, my kid said, “This is why I am never getting married!” Gave me a hug and left. 
 

We argued more after kiddo left. I slept in another room. I went to work early and have not seen him yet. I don’t know if I care enough about resolution to bring this back up. But I low-key despise him at the moment. The likeliest thing is that he will act like nothing happened and it won’t be spoken of again. 
 

So. I guess one thing I’m wondering is: do other people have this? Not like a weekly occurrence; that probably almost always leads to divorce, but just an absurd fight once every few years or more. One of my friends recently told me about something her husband said to her that was shockingly mean-spirited, so I guess some people do have at least this. I mean, one of our idiotic fights several years ago was about putting butter on popcorn. I reckon more people than just us have argued about popcorn once in thirty years. I don’t have any good model growing up because my mom was essentially Michelle Duggar and it didn’t matter what stupid thing my dad said; she didn’t engage. I didn’t really learn how “normal” families are. 
 

I guess also if anyone has any BTDT words of wisdom for me, I can hear that.  

[Ausmumof3]

Yeah sometimes. We had one about six months ago. Generally when it gets that way I back away slowly, but the one we had then I was tired, overwhelmed with life and my period started the next day! I also learned a while ago that it’s best I don’t talk politics with DH at all. 

[Katy]

Please don’t quote. I will delete. Not to that level, but this is probably because the first time he tried that kind of thing I made it very clear that it was emotionally abusive and if the behavior continued I would not stay. 

Now he suppresses what is wrong instead, but every 2-3 years it still seeps out that he is clearly stressed but not talking. Mostly snarky, bitter comments implying he’s some sort of martyr in our family or that I think he doesn’t matter. After months of me asking he kind of breaks down and finally tells me what’s up and insists I didn’t want to know. 

The first few times it was stress at his work, then it was stress over a child’s health situation. Stress over an adoption that looked like it was falling apart. These days it’s FIL’s rapidly declining health. After he shares what’s wrong he calms down and over the next few weeks becomes happier again. I honestly think it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his interactions with my toxic MIL as a child just before she abandoned the family. 

[maize]

Were you both crazy worked up or just him?

My husband has turned irrationally ragey rather frequently; far less so in the last few years than in the first 17 years of our marriage because we finally found mental health treatments that are more effective for him. In his case,  it's all a symptom of mental health issues. I don't call those instances us fighting, I call it him being in an irrational rage. A fight suggests far more equal responsibility.

Edited February 26 by maize

[lauraw4321]

In short, yes. We once had a ridiculous fight over sexism in a sci fi book. It was ugly and in front of his family. And we had both been drinking and neither would back down. 

My parents fought a lot and it was really uncomfortable for me growing up, so I have worked really hard not to have those kind of fights in front of our kids (and have mostly succeeded). 

::hugs::

[Ginevra]

@maize, I did not view myself as worked up until he YELLED, “Why are you yelling?!” Up until that point, I saw it as two people with different views about something lobbying for their view. My kid seemed to see it that way, too, until dh started yelling that I was yelling. 
 

You make a good point about irrational rage because that is exactly how I have seen it whenever this has happened. To me, it was totally disproportionate to the actual argument, especially since it literally does not affect us what this policy is. I even pointed this out once he elevated: “Why are you all jacked up about what a made-up person in a different department had to do?” 

[regentrude]

No, we don't fight like this and never have. We have been together 37 years, married for 30.
I can count on my fingers the times we had some arguments (I can't call them "fight"; it was never close to the level you describe!), and every single time one or both of us were hungry.

We both noticed that pattern and now take care to eat when a potential argument-inducing situation unfolds (stressful travel situation for example)
 

Edited February 26 by regentrude

[sgo95]

53 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

Now - I know fights which are about “nothing” are actually about “something.” And the “something” in this case seems to be that I was discounting his “opinion”. But, to me, that is so dumb, because it does not matter what his opinion/my opinion is; it is policy. So I was saying about the thing, “No; you can’t do that! That is against the rules!” And he was arguing why his view is right. 🙄 And then arguing even more because I was dismissive of his “opinion”. And then I continued arguing that it wasn’t an “opinion” in the first place; it’s a policy and opinions are totally irrelevant. 

...

 

I don’t have any good model growing up because my mom was essentially Michelle Duggar and it didn’t matter what stupid thing my dad said; she didn’t engage. I didn’t really learn how “normal” families are. 

First, big hugs to you. I hate being at odds with my DH...it generally makes me feel really threatened (a bit of my own irrationality at play here)...

Yes, we periodically have very uncomfortable fights that have consistent underlying issues. But in the last couple of years, both DH and I have made progress on being more aware of what those issues are. Both DH and I have realized that we both have some tendencies/patterns of thoughts that are rooted in our respective weaknesses and childhood traumas and just acknowledging this to each other has helped us deal with these problems in a healthier way. We were able to have some really productive conversations during a period of great introspection on his part and a low stress time in our life.

You say you didn't have a "normal" family that could model healthy ways to disagree. When you describe your part in the fight, I wonder how much of the impetus of your words and actions is pushing back against being "Michelle Duggar" as you feel your mom was. I mean, there are times when I know DH is being unreasonable...I've gotten better at staying calm and not feeling threatened. I can be more emotionally removed from whatever point he's making. I can disagree and not engage but still feel like I have power. Because I will still behave/think how I think is best. And usually he just needs time to not be emotionally heated and then I can have a more productive conversation with him. 

Edited February 26 by sgo95

[almondbutterandjelly]

Maybe in the first few years of our marriage, we did, but we're at 25 years now, and no, we don't.  If one of us is being weird and stupid, the other one backs off.  If it's not important, it's not important.  Plus, I think very highly of my dh, and he thinks very highly of me, and if something is bothering one of us, the other one respects that even if we don't get it.  ((big hugs))

[Ginevra]

8 minutes ago, sgo95 said:

When you describe your part in the fight, I wonder how much of the impetus of your words and actions is pushing back against being "Michelle Duggar" as you feel your mom was.

That is definitely there. Because to me, it was just a stupid disagreement until he got up from the table and yelled about me yelling and started throwing in sarcasm and f-bombs. 

[SKL]

I'm not married, but I've had a few topics that just never ended well with the other person (good friend or guy I was dating).  It's always something that seems, to me, ridiculously stupid.

I guess that's why I figure it's fair game for disagreement.  Because who could ever get heated over something so dumb?  But then I find out.

In the case of the friend, I just never ever bring those rare topics up.  It's totally not worth it.  In the case of the ex-boyfriend ... well, maybe that's why he's an ex ... but that used to happen much more than once in three years.

I don't understand the psychology behind it.  As for what I'd do about it, I'd probably let it blow over, since it hardly ever happens, and the issue isn't important to you at all.

[SKL]

Would it be a good idea, after all are calm, to ask your daughter for a completely objective view of the conversation?  It's possible she saw things you weren't aware of (for example, maybe your tone was a factor or something).

[SKL]

Oh and I have been accused of yelling when I definitely was nowhere near yelling.  I don't understand the psychology behind that, either.  😛

[Ginevra]

5 minutes ago, SKL said:

Would it be a good idea, after all are calm, to ask your daughter for a completely objective view of the conversation?  It's possible she saw things you weren't aware of (for example, maybe your tone was a factor or something).

It was my son. I would like to do this but I have always worried that it seems like I’m seeking allied against him and using the kids. In moments like this, I always wish we were the subject of one of those hidden camera things where a counselor could point out what we each are doing. 

[Rosie_0801]

Not married but seem to have similar arguments with a neighbour every other year. Well, he more has them at me than with me. It beats me how he can feel threatened enough by me when he's bigger I am, far better trained and can shout louder, longer and nastier than I can. I assume at those times he's been hijacked by his inner 14yo. Last time it took him seven months to 'fess up to the real problem, which was that some other chick friend of his had done the same to him and he hadn't been able to unlock and apologise to me until she finally apologised to him. *shrug* I don't have to live with the guy, only beside him, so I enjoy him when he's being enjoyable and avoid the bugger when he's not.

[Clarita]

Yes we do and I do feel like we have a good relationship. I used to get really worked up over these, especially since they are a lot of times over stupid little things that really don't need much resolving or completely unresolvable because it doesn't matter. Usually it's because one or the both of us are under some sort of stress and we are each other's safe person.

We've done a lot better since we started communicating more about these fights and we've given each other space to calm down. Before there was a huge subscription to not going to bed angry but... sometimes I don't think it can actually happen. We don't let it fester for weeks though just talk about it as soon as it is feasible. Most of those conversation goes "hey, what happened yesterday?" He might tell me I just felt like my opinion and thoughts were ignored blah blah blah. I may say something like "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Yes I was a bit dismissive." That's pretty much the end of my part unless he continues to apologize for blowing up at me because really it was because he had a hard day at work or whatever - or this whole policy just triggered him because he has to put up with some stupid policy at work.

If there is something he did that hurt you as well after your apology you can wait a few minutes and then talk to him about how he hurt your feelings. I think it's important to take a pause between your apology and telling him about your hurt feelings so there is a feeling that your apology doesn't hinge on his for you.

[Faith-manor]

15 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

That is definitely there. Because to me, it was just a stupid disagreement until he got up from the table and yelled about me yelling and started throwing in sarcasm and f-bombs. 

I really feel like he crossed a line.

Mark and I don't really fight. We might disagree, but not fight about that. When we have disagreements that leave us feeling a.bit hurt, it is nearly always after a stressful time of dealing with his mom or mine. Elderly parents can throw a real monkey wrench in married life. We usually end up apologizing simultaneously.

It would be worth exploring whether or not there is a trigger that the two of you can avoid. But, for him to go rageman and dropping Fbombs over something is literally no effect at all on either of you, your kids, etc. is just wild to me.

[Sneezyone]

Oh, goodness, we had one of these on vacation last week. DHs timing is atrocious!! Not every three to five years, nope, DH held on to this issue for 7. He claimed he finally had time to think about it b/c work (which also…ISSUE!!!). This time, unlike previous times, I am not as willing to forgive and forget. This time, I asked him to go home a day early and give me space. This time, I insisted he get therapy and make/keep friendships with ppl that he can share with. We’ve been married 26 years, no infidelity, great sex, no love lost…definitely ebbing trust on my part. Time to switch things up. I think we’ll get past this but I don’t think it’s normal or excusable. DH isn’t a curs-er but I am, if you make me mad enough. He uses ‘em like seasoning with friends. I use ‘em when I am past all reasonable limits.

Edited February 26 by Sneezyone

[lauraw4321]

One note - while our fights were loud at times, we’ve never cursed at each other. 

[Ginevra]

2 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

One note - while our fights were loud at times, we’ve never cursed at each other. 

Yeah, that’s surely nice. I mean I guess at least it’s not targeted at each other. We don’t call each other names. But yeah. Cussing into the air, ie., “that’s f***ing dumb”. 

[Toocrazy!!]

DH and I used to I guess, he could really push my buttons, and during early perimenopause I had some rage for sure. I feel like we’ve both matured a lot and can see potential issues to avoid. But mostly I think we respect each other enough that if it did happen now we would both apologize for our parts and be able to move on. In my current world, I can see that one off arguments with someone you spend so much time with are bound to happen. We have a lot of differing opinions about some big topics. But deep down we really do respect each other and try to see the other side. I think we could talk through a fight like you’re talking about. I also don’t think it’s terrible to go to bed angry. Sometimes it looks different on the other side of sleep. 
I curse when I’m really angry, and sometimes when I play pickleball😀 I don’t really give it a lot more power than regular angry words, but I see that it could be. 

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Ginevra said:

It was my son. I would like to do this but I have always worried that it seems like I’m seeking allied against him and using the kids. In moments like this, I always wish we were the subject of one of those hidden camera things where a counselor could point out what we each are doing. 

You could just ask your daughter without your husband listening in.

"Since you were an audience the other night, I wanted to ask you for your observations.  I don't care about the topic, I just wonder why a casual argument blew up into a fight.  If it's something I did, I'd like to know so I can avoid doing that in the future.  If it's something he did, I'd like to think over whether or not to talk to him about it when he's calm."

[SHP]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

every single time one or both of us were hungry.

We both noticed that pattern and now take care to eat when a potential argument-inducing situation unfolds (stressful travel situation for example)
 

This. Hanger is real.

[SKL]

As for cursing - I guess it depends on the family culture.  If the words fly when the person is stressed out in general, then I don't think it's a big deal if they also fly during an argument (assuming it's not name-calling as noted in the OP).

[Carrie12345]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

As for cursing - I guess it depends on the family culture.  If the words fly when the person is stressed out in general, then I don't think it's a big deal if they also fly during an argument (assuming it's not name-calling as noted in the OP).

Same. I can understand it being jarring when it’s not everyday language. It is in this house. But dh’s “WTF?!” tonight after I dropped the bread knife he “couldn’t find” (it was in the knife block where it lives) while handing it to him almost turned into one of those dumb arguments. 
We are loud and we are blunt. Like, all the time. If we weren’t, then it would be weird for us.

[Faith-manor]

24 minutes ago, SHP said:

This. Hanger is real.

Oooof! Yes. 

[Ginevra]

Just FYI: he apologized when he came in for dinner. I am not really ready to let it go yet. But at least that. 

[HomeAgain]

"This is important to you."

That's been the most important sentence ever in our disagreements.  It brought out of control arguments back into focus.  Either the other person will emphatically say, "YES IT IS!" and explain, or they'll take a step back and think about it - no, it's really not. 

DH and I got into a phenomenal argument a few months ago over Reddit.  It was an AITA about an omnivore requesting a vegan make him a dish with meat in it at a luncheon because they always make sure there's a vegan option when they host.  DH could not understand why I thought it was such an @$$hole position.  He said the above, saw how emphatic I was about it, and we took time to do something else.  The position didn't affect either of us directly, but it made me see dh in a new way for defending the omnivore so hard. (DH later got his rear handed to him by everyone else he asked about it, so he did finally understand the OMNI part of omnivore)

But it works the other way, too.  When dh is more passionate about something than he usually is, I tell him the same thing.  It just helps to redirect the argument out of the repetitive bits and we can choose to let it go or not.

 

ETA: I think it's because it's really saying "I love you and I'm listening.  You're invested in this and I want to know why."  It's funny how it just drops everything back a notch for us. Nobody is fighting to be heard anymore or feeling like they're talking to a wall.  I don't think dh and I could have put this into practice in our early 20s, when everything seemed bigger, but it helps in our 40s so we can be productive in our disagreements.

Edited February 27 by HomeAgain

[Kassia]

11 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

"This is important to you."

That's been the most important sentence ever in our disagreements.  It brought out of control arguments back into focus.  Either the other person will emphatically say, "YES IT IS!" and explain, or they'll take a step back and think about it - no, it's really not. 

 

I love this and will have to remember it.  DH and I have gotten into some huge arguments over stupid things over the years.  It's very rare, but it does happen.  As I've gotten older, there is very little that is important enough for me to argue with him about.  But he has a tougher time letting go of things and I'm sure it's because of the way his parents were with him - he can get very defensive.  I'm pretty big on the relationship being more important than being right in most cases. We don't curse, but it's not because we see anything wrong with it, it's just not part of our vocabulary.  

@Ginevra if my DH sincerely apologized, I think I'd let it go.  Not saying you should, though.  

[Ginevra]

33 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

This is important to you."

I need to commit this to memory. 

[Heartstrings]

Those happen a few times a year in our house, even though we’re mostly happy and enjoy being together. We’ve been married almost 20 years. Oddly, they seem to come in clusters, if we have one we’ll have another 2 or 3 in the next 4-6 weeks.  
 

Hangry has caused more than one.  Now I’ll often refuse to continue talking until he eats.  That’s curbed it a lot.  

Edited February 27 by Heartstrings

[forty-two]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Oh and I have been accused of yelling when I definitely was nowhere near yelling.  I don't understand the psychology behind that, either.  😛

FWIW, I use "yell at" colloquially, to mean any sort of raised-voice/projecting-negative-emotion type of thing - like when kids say "my parents will yell at me" to mean any sort of negative reaction directed their way.  It does bother my dh (who almost never truly yells), when I refer to him "yelling", so I try to be more precise when referring to him.  Otherwise I'm pretty broad in my "yelling at" usage, but I do mean it as descriptive, not as an inherently bad or out-of-control reaction.  But if people associate "yelling at" to mean out of control anger, not just raised voices and/or conveying a negative reaction forcefully, I can understand why they would be upset to have an in-control anger reaction labelled "yelling".  (Likewise, I think sometimes people use "you're yelling at me" to mean any kind of negative reaction directed their way that is making them feel bad/upset/scared, even if objectively it's not unreasonably loud or out of control or unwarranted - it's just that the person receiving it is very sensitive to negative emotion.)

[JustEm]

We don't ever tell at each other, slam doors, sleep in separate areas, or curse during fights but we certainly have idiotic fights that end up in hurt feelings, not talking to each other, and sweeping it under the rug. Although sweeping it under the rug doesn't happen anymore but we went through extensive work to not let those stupid fights be ignored since they do add up and they do end up lasting a bit longer each time

[EKS]

My husband and I had a fight like that recently over our procedure for changing the sheets on our bed.  It was nuts.

All of our fights are like this.

[Scarlett]

The last big fight Dh and I had was serious IMO. He sold our paid for truck to our son when  we had no real plan for a replacement. I was so enraged I said terrible things. I still feel my rage was justified but decided it was not  justified enough to end a marriage so I got over it. 
We do have silly fights over dumb things. We have big personalities do we get loud. Our dog is very sensitive and freaks out over raised voices. We say God sent her to us to keep our tempers in check. 

[livetoread]

We have been together 32 years and our fights have been rare and mild when they happen. No yelling and we stay on topic, but the tone gets firmer, lol. I think our worst one was when we were dating and we got into an argument about racism. We are both pleasers and we tend to be over-analyzers, so while we get irritated sometimes, we tend to just shut up and wait it out. If we still think it's important after a few hours, we bring it up again, but usually we both realize whatever it was wasn't worth it and that's that. I grew up in a family that argued intellectually while dh did not, so the whole racism argument was much harder on him and he didn't offer another opinion on controversial topics for literally years. Even now he doesn't like debating things that we don't agree on. 

We come closest to fighting right before and during our travels. Any complicated traveling makes us both tense and lack of sleep adds to it. We still usually just revert to our usual discussions but are more irritated deep down than usual.

I don't think this is necessarily better and I know plenty of happy couples who get angry and fight (but don't demean or belittle each other). It's just not our conflict style.

 

 

[SanDiegoMom]

We have stupid arguments probably a good 5-6 times a year -- we don't yell really, but we get more and more upset and then stop talking for the next two days.  I hate it, but he stops talking because 1. that's how his parents handled fights, and 2. he doesn't want to say anything he'll regret.  The one time he let loose f-bombs was at our oldest daughter who was living at home with us after college.  She definitely could inspire them FOR SURE, but he would never have done it if he hadn't had missed lunch and it was like 8 at night.  He yelled at her, went to the garage and just cried.  I brought him a bowl of chili and he realized he was starved. He went to our daughter and apologized and we knew NEVER to have arguments without having ddinner first again!

One of our stupid fights was over how we should, as a family, vote on the VOTING SYSTEM for which board game we were going to play that day.

Generally when there is stress at work, or if we are worried about the kids - then we are much more likely to ignite over small things, which become big things for no reason.  

I will say that I am almost always the one who has to apologize (save for major issues like the one mentioned first).  He has never been good at saying I'm sorry.  I'm fine with that because most of the time he's so relieved to be done with the stupid fight, and I have found creative ways to apologize without apologizing.  Because again, for most of these things, neither one of us really cared about the actual issue. 

I don't think we've had an argument about something substantial in years.  Like, those would be disagreements and we might feel strongly about them (for instance I really feel strongly that he should just sell the camper already, lol) but we would't raise our voices or stop talking to each other.  The first few years were when we ironed out the major issues that tend to crop up.

 

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, forty-two said:

(Likewise, I think sometimes people use "you're yelling at me" to mean any kind of negative reaction directed their way that is making them feel bad/upset/scared, even if objectively it's not unreasonably loud or out of control or unwarranted - it's just that the person receiving it is very sensitive to negative emotion.)

These discussions are like 80% of the content of my fights with my husband.  Not what the fight is really about, but the words actually being spoken.   It drives me crazy.  

[SKL]

51 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Our dog is very sensitive and freaks out over raised voices. We say God sent her to us to keep our tempers in check. 

My sister had a dog like that, and she needed that, LOL.

[fraidycat]

DH and I have only had a few fights in our 23 years, but they were not over "little" things. I am very much a "water off a duck's back" personality type, so if I'm going to expend the energy to argue/fight, it is about something pretty serious.

That said, there are certain topics of conversation that I also will not really engage in with him, or will only engage when I feel like I'm totally in a "water off the back" headspace where I can employ a mostly Socratic discussion where I just mostly ask questions and just let him be 'wrong'. 
 

 

[Clarita]

4 hours ago, Ginevra said:

Just FYI: he apologized when he came in for dinner. I am not really ready to let it go yet. But at least that. 

Don't feel like you need to apologize if you don't think you actually have anything to apologize for. I know what I said before but I was also not there so perhaps you did nothing to dismiss his thoughts. You can also just have a conversation about how you could address him when you think he's overreacting or getting too worked up. For example a specific phrase so that you can disengage from a discussion that is turning into a screaming match (and that topic really isn't important).

[BronzeTurtle]

My parents did this a lot. As an adult I can sort of see it was because they had years of piled up resentments towards each other that neither was willing to talk about in any reasonable way so they fought about stupid crap because they were just constantly irritated with each other on a low level. actually, one parent was just kind of an irritable sort of person in general and I think it rubbed off on the marriage. like your kiddo I thought this meant I would hate marriage and in my mind I was going to delay it as long as possible to be able to still have kids, but it turned out I just married someone not irritable and I love it. And i'm super thankful to this day that my parents aren't split up even if they are sort sterotypical arguing old people. And they do love each other in their way. It's just so much baggage that neither wants to go through and I'm not sure they would even know how. 

I would, under no circumstances, survey one of my kids about how it went from their perspective. Nopety nope nope. As a kid I could see clearly when something went off the rails and who did it. But the person who did it is still half of where I came from and i can't just step outside of that to offer observations. 

It has informed (for us) a kind of no grudges policy, but that does also involve someone being willing to freely apologize when they lose it. to be honest, since i'm the one that grew up around this stuff, i'm the one now most likely to fall into that pattern. but it's not always me. so we let it go. I can't think of a time where it's lasted any length of time (like more than a day).

[BronzeTurtle]

Also it doesn't have to be "michelle duggar" to not engage in stupid stuff people say, you know? LIke you can just be like, 'yeah, I guess the policy would be different if you were in charge' and it isn't submissive to not attend the argument you've been invited to. In fact it's kind of the opposite of that if someone is grumpy and spoiling for a fight. it's more empowering not to get wrapped up in it, IMO.

Only for inconsequential stuff. if it's big stuff and personal, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about one time on a drive somewhere a parent tried to get in an argument with me about the landscaping on a random house we passed that it was wrong. "Well, I guess if that was your house you could definitely do the lawn a better way". It's not snarky, more of a thoughtful tone and possibly a change of subject to go with if you don't want to talk about it anymore. If you do want to be right and want your spouse to see you as right regardless of how inconsequential, that's probably outside the scope of what I'm thinking of too and a different issue (like it is for my parents).

[Laura Corin]

8 hours ago, regentrude said:

No, we don't fight like this and never have. We have been together 37 years, married for 30.
I can count on my fingers the times we had some arguments (I can't call them "fight"; it was never close to the level you describe!), and every single time one or both of us were hungry.

We both noticed that pattern and now take care to eat when a potential argument-inducing situation unfolds (stressful travel situation for example)
 

Husband and I have had difficult conversations a few times in the past 35 years. They have been about substantive matters,  where the relationship or our lives were going in a direction that was uncomfortable for one of us. No  yelling. Some crying.

Apart from that - a bit of scratchiness due to hunger or tiredness occasionally. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Nope. We don't argue like that. We have never sworn at each other. We don't swear.

I absolutely hate arguments. I find them incredibly stressful. So avoid them at.  Doesn't mean we don't disagree on things. We have mostly calm discussions , With some crying occasionally.  Sometimes, occasionally we have even researched out point of views. Then  we tend to  avoid each other  for a few days and both become more and more miserable until neither of us can stand it anymore.

At the moment I have been told by medical specialists to avoid any stress, including disagreements.  It takes too much energy to be even cross at the moment. 

 

Edited February 27 by Melissa in Australia

[Ginevra]

3 hours ago, BronzeTurtle said:

Also it doesn't have to be "michelle duggar" to not engage in stupid stuff people say, you know?

I know. But my mother was a complete doormat and would literally say nothing back. I remember one such incident where my dad went ballistic over something super stupid and my mother did not respond at all. I was an adult when that happened and I decided at that moment I would never take that sort of abusive tirade in silence. 

[Eos]

3 hours ago, BronzeTurtle said:

it isn't submissive to not attend the argument you've been invited to.

I like this.

Dh and I have small but intense disagreements about 3 times a year.  Usually about our business, usually started by me being unhappy with some way that he is not managing something correctly, (in my opinion.) It's a few minutes of each of us saying a couple of very sharp sentences then retreating.  One of us usually apologizes after a night's sleep - we sleep in separate beds anyway so never have to negotiate that situation. It's rough enough, I don't know how I would handle yelling and cursing. I probably couldn't.

[DawnM]

Yes, we have had some.

This past summer, during our very stressful move, I LOST it and went to a hotel for 2 nights.   It had to do with a parenting decision and I needed my husband's help.   He hates confrontation and just didn't do anything about it.   I was so mad.   He never refuses, he just doesn't do it.

We worked it out, but yeah, there are times......

[Chris in VA]

Being careful in my words 

We really never fought like that or really hardly at all until a major, life-changing thing happened between us. Then whooo boy, we...did.

Lots of counseling.  Marriage and individual (for me).

You didn't ask, but I find there are usually issues that can go unresolved for years if your marital/relationship pattern is to have blow ups over "nothing" from time to time. It's like they release just enough of the pressure so that the issue "goes back down," until it rises up again. Nothing gets fixed and the issue remains underneath life, until it is triggered again. 

I found many of my issues stemmed from my upbringing--wasn't abused outright, nothing terribly dramatic, but it still set up some things that affected my perceptions. 

I am a big proponent of therapy to heal past wounds of childhood and discover patterns. "Parts" therapy was immensely helpful (tho seemed kinda silly while doing it). 

A person so triggered over something tiny is not fighting about the tiny thing. Your husband talked about you not respecting his opinion, and you did not even acknowledge that thought, but totally bypassed that bit of information.  He was telling you what the fight was really about and you didn't catch it. I am sure you have those sorts of underlying things, too, bc we all do. I would look back at other fights and see if there is a "theme."

Forgive me for bluntness and lack of brevity. 

I

 

Edited February 27 by Chris in VA

[cintinative]

In general my dh and I are conflict avoiders. As our counselor aptly put it, "conflict avoidance IS conflict."  

A few years ago, we had an actual yelling fight. It was the product of bottled up issues, not necessarily the issue at hand in the discussion. I became flooded emotionally because I couldn't get away, and I lost it.  The good thing that came out of it was it pushed us to counseling.

I can't speak for anyone else, but based on my experience, I am wondering out loud if this is the case with you.

One thing our counselor talked about is something called "negative sentiment override." I had never heard of it before, but when she explained it, that was definitely where we were coming into counseling.  It is basically where you get to a place where you no longer believe the best of your spouse.  You can Google it and see what you think.