Lonely

[TexasProud]

Feeling completely out of sorts this morning

I look at a week where I am pretty much making up things to do. Nothing has to be done. 
No activities. 
Still cannot exercise..
My best friend is enjoying an anniversary trip with her husband
Several other friends are traveling this week as well.
It is just so incredibly hot outside.  103 and muggy.  It is already in the 80's right now and it isn't even 6am yet. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Sucks, doesn't it?

 

Suppose you sit in the bath, eat strawberries and read a novel.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Sucks, doesn't it?

 

Suppose you sit in the bath, eat strawberries and read a novel.

And then what...

[Melissa in Australia]

I would rather be lonely than being stuck in a hospital bed fretting about Thursday 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I would rather be lonely than being stuck in a hospital bed fretting about Thursday 

So sorry Melissa.  Been praying for you.

Yeah, I know I should be grateful. I have air conditioning.

I just feel adrift, purposeless... 

[HomeAgain]

I think it's time to make a list of your limitations so you can work around them.

Loneliness is a state of mind. This week I have no obligations.  I am learning a new skill, working on a few old ones, listening to an author interview, and working on an older piece I'm writing.  I'm trying out a new recipe and eating only what I want to eat.

[Kidlit]

Sounds like the perfect time for a just-for-fun hobby! 

[Rosie_0801]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

And then what...

You can worry about that when you get there.

[Hyacinth]

I’m part of a ministry that helps people transition out of prison with job skills and mentoring. One of the things they do is match people with pen pals. It’s low commitment, can be done from home, and—from all reports—very meaningful for everyone involved. Perhaps there’s a similar ministry near you? It won’t solve your loneliness issue, but it could help someone else’s a little bit. 

[mom31257]

I'm sorry!! 

My sister, who lost her husband and her son, says she is lonely most of the time. She feels like going to her job and doing what she does in her home are just her pretending to have a life. 

[Innisfree]

Find someone who is worse off than you, and see what you can do to help them.

[Innisfree]

Coming back, because what I wrote sounds dismissive without elaboration. Being lonely is genuinely hard, and so is boredom. I’m not trying to minimize that. But my experience is that changing my focus to others helps.

[DawnM]

I will go out for coffee with you, come on over!

Edited July 31, 2023 by DawnM

[marbel]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

I look at a week where I am pretty much making up things to do. Nothing has to be done. 

So there is nothing you'd like to do? I know your activities are limited by pain. But there's nothing you'd like to study or research? No sort of project - watercolors, needlepoint, bookbinding - you'd like to have time to pursue? 

How about a virtual coffee date with a non-local friend?  I used to get together with some friends for chat and coffee via google meet. Of course there are lots of ways to do that. 

I always feel exhilarated after a trip to the public library. I read magazines, browse the books and come home with a bagful. If you can't carry a bagful, just bring home a select few.  Or borrow kindle or audio books if you can't drive/walk. 

History tells me that you will reject all my ideas, and that's fine - they are just ideas, offered to spark your own - but it's hard to imagine that someone with your resources (education, time, money) cannot find something interesting to do. 

[TexasProud]

13 minutes ago, marbel said:

So there is nothing you'd like to do? I know your activities are limited by pain. But there's nothing you'd like to study or research? No sort of project - watercolors, needlepoint, bookbinding - you'd like to have time to pursue? 

 

I guess it feels purposeless without people.

I am much better. I just spent 45 minutes watering our shrubs, trees, plants, rose bushes, etc.  Took over 3000 steps.  As long as I take my high powered ibuprofen and muscle relaxer, I am ok.  I am about to join the Unchained Writer rogue online meeting to make me work on some of my writing projects for an hour. Then I will take the outside cat to the vet.

Yes, I am researching our trip to Michigan's Upper Penninsula, which looks like it will be so much fun. My husband will call from Kenya around lunchtime ish. 

I have several books I am reading and I will check them off. You can see on the various tacking threads what I am reading. 

I am posting on the tackling thread to keep track of what I am doing.  But most of it is alone, without any real purpose.  I mean, if I don't work on my writing or research our trip...who cares. I see a whole week of checking things off a list that doesn't really matter.  I can find something to do.  I can check stuff off. 

Edited July 31, 2023 by TexasProud

[Garga]

I’ve felt that way at times. Everything’s a little meaningless. 

Maybe do something odd and unlike you. LIke, go to the paint store and buy a funky colored paint (or a nice colored paint!—whatever you. like) and then paint only the inside edge of the door (where the lock shoots out to latch onto the wall.) You’ll only see it when the door is opened. (See picture.)

I’m thinking of doing that with my doors just for fun. No one else will really notice, but I will.

 

 

Edited July 31, 2023 by Garga

[I talk to the trees]

https://www.projectlinus.org/chapters/index.php?state=TX#tgt
 

I know…it’s hard to think about blankets in this heat, but I also know that my local chapter is always in need of more. 
 

If handcrafting isn’t your cup of tea (which, in your neck of the woods should probably be iced with a twist of lemon right now) here’s a link to the site where I found my perfect volunteer opportunity:

https://www.volunteermatch.org

[ScoutTN]

Is there a way you can do something to help others this week? 

[Melissa Louise]

Loneliness is really hard. 

I don't think it is always a state of mind; sometimes we're lonely because our people aren't around.

You have to make up a routine.

It's harder when it's so hot.

 

 

[HomeAgain]

7 minutes ago, I talk to the trees said:

https://www.projectlinus.org/chapters/index.php?state=TX#tgt
 

I know…it’s hard to think about blankets in this heat, but I also know that my local chapter is always in need of more. 
 

Thanks for this link!  I make beautiful blankets but don't have anyone to gift this year except my own family.

[Melissa Louise]

Everything is ultimately without meaning, which can be kind of freeing. If there's no meaning, you can do whatever, right? (That's legal).

Can you have someone to call and chat with each day? 

A long phone call is a good loneliness breaker.

I don't know how anyone could do any handicrafts in the heat.

 

 

[kirstenhill]

I feel like too much being alone really gets to me... I've had several days this summer where all my people were gone all day, and DH was traveling so gone even in the evening.  I found my mood improved so much just by getting out and going to the library, or taking my laptop and books to a coffee shop to work on my to-do list there. 

[marbel]

49 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

But most of it is alone, without any real purpose.  I mean, if I don't work on my writing or research our trip...who cares. I see a whole week of checking things off a list that doesn't really matter.  I can find something to do.  I can check stuff off. 

Can't it just matter to you? Does everything you do have to relate somehow to another person; your own pleasure or satisfaction in it counts for nothing? But anyway, won't research into your trip benefit your husband as well? Do you think your general well-being and contentment (or lack thereof) has no effect on your husband and the rest of your family?  

Edited July 31, 2023 by marbel

[TheReader]

46 minutes ago, Garga said:

I’ve felt that way at times. Everything’s a little meaningless. 

Maybe do something odd and unlike you. LIke, go to the paint store and buy a funky colored paint (or a nice colored paint!—whatever you. like) and then paint only the inside edge of the door (where the lock shoots out to latch onto the wall.) You’ll only see it when the door is opened. (See picture.)

I’m thinking of doing that with my doors just for fun. No one else will really notice, but I will.

 

 

 

Oh!!! This is so fun, and gives me a fun idea for all the "nope, not that color" paint samples we have still from when we were auditioning colors. Also reminds me of my grandma -- she once painted the kitchen ceiling while my grandpa was out, to see how long it would be till he noticed. (it was a long time). 

My hubby leaves tomorrow for a business trip....maybe I'll do the door edges while he's gone! That will be fun. 

[TheReader]

@TexasProud, I don't know if you are still actually in Texas, & if so if you are anywhere near me, but if you're remotely in the Houston-ish area, drop me a private message. I'd be delighted to meet up with you sometime. 

[regentrude]

Loneliness is hard. Hugs.

But *solitude can be a good thing. To think, to pray, to meditate, write, BE. Paint, read, cook, really revel in the feeling that there is nothing you need to do, nothing you're responsible for. Nothing to accomplish and tackle.  Perhaps you need to learn to stop counting and tallying.

I am a driven achiever who thrives on accomplishments and people. I am currently a week in another place where there are no chores and no work. This night, I had an odd dream about being responsible for some ridiculously complex project here that didn't make sense and I woke up realizing it was my subconscious talking because it was uncomfortable having a week with nothing on the schedule. I have to make a conscious effort not to do some non-essential non-urgent work on the computer and really sit with the empty space.

I find the protestant work ethic our culture is steeped in deeply damaging to the soul.

Edited July 31, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

I am posting on the tackling thread to keep track of what I am doing.  But most of it is alone, without any real purpose.  I mean, if I don't work on my writing or research our trip...who cares. I see a whole week of checking things off a list that doesn't really matter.  I can find something to do.  I can check stuff off. 

Maybe you need the opposite: sit still and think about what hole in your soul you're trying to fill with the compulsive busyness. 

To me, it feels as if you're just kicking the can down the road by distracting yourself. The relentless tackling feels a bit like compulsive overeating.

[PeterPan]

Have you talked with your doctor about this? I'm clearly missing backstory, but when I'm clinically depressed there's a physical problem like low thyroid. If it's situational depression, maybe it's time to talk to a counselor, a religious leader, etc. Sometimes I need to just sit down and read my Bible a good long time till I feel better. But if that doesn't do it, sometimes that means it's time to see the doctor, get some help. 

Have you had covid recently? Covid causes inflammation and can cause depression. We don't even talk about covid much anymore, but it's out there, as is long covid, sigh. Every stinkin' time I get covid I end up back on a med (SSRI) to bring down that inflammation and the brain symptoms. Then, with enough time and treatment, I get off. If you're on an SSRI already and had covid, you might check to see if your particular SSRI makes inflammation WORSE. There are a couple that are good for pulling it down (prozac, fluvoxamine) and others that make it worse. 

Anyways, just a thought. 

[SKL]

For me, researching and planning future activities is a whole activity in itself.

Maybe it would feel meaningful to you to research or invent ideas for future volunteer projects.

One example of a project that might put you with other people in short order would be a drop-in national park upkeep activity.  They usually don't require high athleticism.  (I know it's hot out, but they are usually in the mornings.)  There might also be drop-in volunteer activities that are indoors.

Have you checked out this resource:  volunteermatch.org

[Beth S]

Adding to the wealth of encouragement----I use this type of time to clean out a closet or the attic! 
Lots of euphoria in the Sense of Accomplishment!

[Hannah]

I was on a training course last week as part of a qualification that I'm doing through a state university. They included some equine therapy and it was a revelation to me how outcome driven I am and how difficult I find it to stay in the moment. The focus of the exercises were to build rapport and connection with the horses and that takes patience and just being quiet with them, without timelines or delivering a product.

Eta: so maybe just sit with the boredom and really feel your body, breathing, random thoughts etc. Really lean into it.

Edited July 31, 2023 by Hannah

[KungFuPanda]

Is there any volunteer work you could do locally? Identifying a physical community need and finding a way to fill it can give you a real sense of purpose. Can you deliver meals on wheels or volunteer in your local school as a reading tutor? Can you organize some friends to adopt a women’s shelter and have a school clothing and supply drive or get together to assemble casseroles for a soup kitchen?  Is there a local food bank that could be blessed with a donation drive?  Food has gotten expensive and food banks are strained. 
 

If everything feels aimless and unimportant in the existential or academic realm, you might find real satisfaction doing work that can improve the lives of people in a neighboring community that is less fortunate than yours. Maybe you can rally your church ladies to adopt a sister church in an economically depressed area and help meet the needs of that community. 

[Ottakee]

I Love the volunteering ideas.

also, do you know any elderly or shut in people?   They would likely love a phone call or possibly even a visit.  

[Ausmumof3]

Do you have a library cafe or garden centre cafe nearby? I’m not an extrovert and rarely crave company but friends who are said when they had new babies etc just going to sit in a shopping centre or place with people helped.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is there any volunteer work you could do locally? Identifying a physical community need and finding a way to fill it can give you a real sense of purpose. Can you deliver meals on wheels or volunteer in your local school as a reading tutor? Can you organize some friends to adopt a women’s shelter and have a school clothing and supply drive or get together to assemble casseroles for a soup kitchen?  Is there a local food bank that could be blessed with a donation drive?  Food has gotten expensive and food banks are strained. 
 

If everything feels aimless and unimportant in the existential or academic realm, you might find real satisfaction doing work that can improve the lives of people in a neighboring community that is less fortunate than yours. Maybe you can rally your church ladies to adopt a sister church in an economically depressed area and help meet the needs of that community. 

This is some of the best advice my mom ever gave me.  When you feel down, get up and do something physical for someone else…preferably for someone less fortunate than you. 
I also cleaned like a mad woman when I had stress. It that was when I was young and not so feasible now.

[TexasProud]

11 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

https://www.projectlinus.org/chapters/index.php?state=TX#tgt
 

I know…it’s hard to think about blankets in this heat, but I also know that my local chapter is always in need of more. 
 

If handcrafting isn’t your cup of tea (which, in your neck of the woods should probably be iced with a twist of lemon right now) here’s a link to the site where I found my perfect volunteer opportunity:

https://www.volunteermatch.org

That site had long term, not short term stuff.  Most of it was stuff like host an exchange student or director of some mental health unit or heading up food drives.  I only have a month here left. 

11 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Is there a way you can do something to help others this week? 

Brainstorming. I agree this would help.

8 hours ago, SKL said:

 

Have you checked out this resource:  volunteermatch.org

Again, same as above.  Only local stuff is long term. 

5 hours ago, Beth S said:

Adding to the wealth of encouragement----I use this type of time to clean out a closet or the attic! 
Lots of euphoria in the Sense of Accomplishment!

I cleaned out my closet this weekend. I also decluttered my bathroom.  Today I took 4 boxes and 4 bags of clothes to Goodwill.  I am kinda tired of decluttering. 

5 hours ago, Hannah said:

 

Eta: so maybe just sit with the boredom and really feel your body, breathing, random thoughts etc. Really lean into it.

Ok....  so I did that....  Not sure what that was supposed to do...

16 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I Love the volunteering ideas.

also, do you know any elderly or shut in people?   They would likely love a phone call or possibly even a visit.  

I will call church tomorrow and see if I can get a list. 

20 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is there any volunteer work you could do locally? Identifying a physical community need and finding a way to fill it can give you a real sense of purpose. Can you deliver meals on wheels or volunteer in your local school as a reading tutor? Can you organize some friends to adopt a women’s shelter and have a school clothing and supply drive or get together to assemble casseroles for a soup kitchen?  Is there a local food bank that could be blessed with a donation drive?  Food has gotten expensive and food banks are strained. 
 

If everything feels aimless and unimportant in the existential or academic realm, you might find real satisfaction doing work that can improve the lives of people in a neighboring community that is less fortunate than yours. Maybe you can rally your church ladies to adopt a sister church in an economically depressed area and help meet the needs of that community. 

I guess my issue is that so many people are taking trips this week before school starts next week.  Most of the people I know are school teachers, so they will be pretty busy getting ready for the coming year.  Also, as I mentioned above, in 4 weeks I will leave and be gone for 6 weeks, home for 2 weeks, gone for a week...so forth and so on.  I will not be here to plan and follow through on any long term projects. 

[Rosie_0801]

Sometimes you just have to wait until it goes away.

[TexasProud]

Am looking forward to lunch Wednesday with a possible new friend. 🙂

Just hard. Hiding in my study as my daughter has friends over tonight.  They are making pizza and having movie night.  Lots of giggling.  She has also been so head over heals in love and talking about boyfriend all week.  Which is awesome.  Happy for her.  She deserves it..  But it all just kind of exacerbates me feeling old. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Am looking forward to lunch Wednesday with a possible new friend. 🙂

Just hard. Hiding in my study as my daughter has friends over tonight.  They are making pizza and having movie night.  Lots of giggling.  She has also been so head over heals in love and talking about boyfriend all week.  Which is awesome.  Happy for her.  She deserves it..  But it all just kind of exacerbates me feeling old. 

Wait…….our children being in love should warm our hearts.  Can you tell me why it makes you feel old?  

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Wait…….our children being in love should warm our hearts.  Can you tell me why it makes you feel old?  

I just miss being that naive, that giddy that head over heels in love. But that is infatuation, which isn't sustainable long term.  My husband is a very good man.  He still makes me laugh.  He cares for me.  I do miss certain aspects of our marriage, though.  I just miss being that young and that hopeful and that head over heels in love.  I smile and make all of the appropriate comments, but inside I feel like saying.. "Enjoy it while you can. it won't last." 

And then her girlfriends all laughing, talking having a good time.  I haven't really had a group like that since college.  I do have individual friends, though as I said they are all traveling this week.  But it makes my heart hurt to miss that younger self that did so much stuff with my girlfriends. 

Edited August 1, 2023 by TexasProud

[Melissa Louise]

18 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Sometimes you just have to wait until it goes away.

This. 

Endure. 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I just miss being that naive, that giddy that head over heels in love. But that is infatuation, which isn't sustainable long term.  My husband is a very good man.  He still makes me laugh.  He cares for me.  I do miss certain aspects of our marriage, though.  I just miss being that young and that hopeful and that head over heels in love.  I smile and make all of the appropriate comments, but inside I feel like saying.. "Enjoy it while you can. it won't last." 

And then her girlfriends all laughing, talking having a good time.  I haven't really had a group like that since college.  I do have individual friends, though as I said they are all traveling this week.  But it makes my heart hurt to miss that younger self that did so much stuff with my girlfriends. 

Hopefully you appreciate the seasons of life.  I had so much pressure and stress as a young woman….I do remember giddy times, but also I remember a lot of difficulty that came with being young and attractive….dealing with boys and then men hitting on me.  

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Sometimes you just have to wait until it goes away.

 

12 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

This. 

Endure. 

Another lesson my mom taught me…..sometimes you just have to wait it out,  things eventually get better.  

[TexasProud]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Hopefully you appreciate the seasons of life.  I had so much pressure and stress as a young woman….I do remember giddy times, but also I remember a lot of difficulty that came with being young and attractive….dealing with boys and then men hitting on me.  

Well, I was never attractive..so there is that.  Nearly all the boys wanted to be my friend or to introduce them to my friend.  In fact, many of my friends in high school and college were boys.  I had a core of them that went to college with me Matt, Mark, David and John... my dad called them my four disciples.  LOL.  

[ScoutTN]

A couple of quick and easy service ideas:

Writing notes to those who are ill or grieving. Writing notes of encouragement or thanks to those who serve you in some way. I find a handwritten note is much-appreciated in these digital days. 

Taking a meal to new moms, single moms, or others who could use the support.

Agreeing with pp, sometimes you just have to wait it out. 

[math teacher]

11 hours ago, TheReader said:

@TexasProud, I don't know if you are still actually in Texas, & if so if you are anywhere near me, but if you're remotely in the Houston-ish area, drop me a private message. I'd be delighted to meet up with you sometime. 

@TexasProud I'm in the Texarkana area. Give me a holler if you're close by.

[Lucy the Valiant]

12 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

Thanks for this link!  I make beautiful blankets but don't have anyone to gift this year except my own family.

Slightly off topic . . . one of my precious babies received a gift of a handmade quilt while in the children's hospital for an extended time; we weren't alone, but we FELT alone, and the extravagant generosity of strangers, to my wee babe, in a time of intense vulnerability, made more of a difference than I can adequately express.

[Arctic Bunny]

Random thought…. Christmas cards?

[TexasProud]

6 minutes ago, Arctic Bunny said:

Random thought…. Christmas cards?

???  Sorry, I am just not sure I understand. 

[KungFuPanda]

With a short turnaround time I might do a little cooking and visiting a senior who lives alone. A men’s soup kitchen near me has casserole recipes and accepts donations of those so that was always something that could be done with no notice and little planning. 
 

My love language isn’t actually acts of service. It’s just food 🤣