Do you ever think of what you would have been like had you made different decisions in your life?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

6 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Dh wrote a really interesting short story about this concept. The premise was he had a way to meet all his other hims. They were all him but the ones who made the opposite choice at all his major decisions. It was fascinating reading because it really gave me insight into his feelings about those choices, many before me but still impacted us and many around me entering his life. 

For me, I never really think about it. I've always been of the mentality that all my decisions in life got me to the me I am right now and the life I have. I really like myself and my life and am pretty confident that other decisions might have made me just as happy but not happier so no need to spend energy on thinking about them.

I have run into people from my past and left the interaction thinking, 'i sure am glad I left their life at the time I did.' But that is about the extent of thinking about it that I do

There is a book titled The Midnight Library by Matt Haig which is about the same topic your DH wrote about. Each book in the library is a possible alternate life based on having made a different choice. I enjoyed it.

[73349]

4 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

What a great idea! I love this 

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to join in--or I can share the list of ones I've done so far, and you can do your own.

[Ting Tang]

Yep, I try not to dwell on it too much because sometimes I think different decisions could have led to a worse outcome, too!  Sometimes I wish I had just made different decisions in my own relationship with my husband without sacrificing the relationship.  

[wintermom]

8 hours ago, hjffkj said:

Dh wrote a really interesting short story about this concept. The premise was he had a way to meet all his other hims. They were all him but the ones who made the opposite choice at all his major decisions. It was fascinating reading because it really gave me insight into his feelings about those choices, many before me but still impacted us and many around me entering his life. 

What an interesting mind journey. I don't know that I'd have the imagination to actually do that. My first instinct it to simply swap out one husband for a different husband, but there is no way of predicting how things would have rolled out with a different person, with completely different family members, etc. Kudos to your dh for wrestling with that concept! 

[Junie]

I feel like if my parents hadn't started going to church when I was about age 10 -- and that's a long story how that happened -- I feel like not only would my life have been much different, but I really think I would have made some really, really poor choices and I would actually likely be dead.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Junie

[JustEm]

1 minute ago, wintermom said:

What an interesting mind journey. I don't know that I'd have the imagination to actually do that. My first instinct it to simply swap out one husband for a different husband, but there is no way of predicting how things would have rolled out with a different person, with completely different family members, etc. Kudos to your dh for wrestling with that concept! 

His included decisions like moving across the country to pursue stunt work, an impromptu move to a different state with his first wife, not getting into a relationship with me so quickly after his divorce, and some other major choices within our marriage. 

[wintermom]

6 hours ago, Lecka said:

I am still struggling with Covid.  It’s better, but once again — I saw this title and thought “Covid!!!!!!” and nobody else is mentioning it.

Very good point! I'd forgotten about COVID, and how we were all set to move internationally right at the start of the pandemic. We ended up not being able to move because of COVID, and the lives of our children and dh and I would have been very different! I just feel that this decision was taken away for dh and I, and I'm actually really happy that we now have the time to re-think that move. We are learning towards staying put and not moving. 

[lynn]

Honestly, at times yes but I don't loose sleep over it.  I wouldn't change a thing about my life.  I love my life. Things happen for a reason good or bad you never know.  

[Wheres Toto]

Sometimes but not often or in any particularly angsty way.  

I sometimes wonder if I were the person I am now when I was with ex-h, would things have turned out different.  If I were willing to exert myself more, had more confidence on pushing for what I needed, would things have been better?  Or would it have gotten bad faster?  Or at least, would I have realized how bad it was and divorced him faster?  

I wouldn't trade having my oldest dd for anything in the world, but I am very happy in my life now.   I have a career I love, an amazing husband, my kids are doing well and becoming (or are already) functioning adults.    

[Carol in Cal.]

I almost married in college, and I am completely sure that I dodged a bullet in not doing so.  Dude turned out to be criminally handsy in later life, something I’m still very surprised about.

The choice of a career field is something that I wish I had handled differently.  I did not realize until I was a senior in college that I could have chosen an engineering discipline that would have allowed me to live and work in the mountainous wilds or even in the NPS, something I wish I had prioritized figuring out sooner.

Also, during my freshman college year I decided that what I really wanted to do was become a history research professor, but was prevented from doing so; and that would have been tremendously enjoyable.  

Those last two are lives I would have liked, I think, somewhat more than what I actually did, but honestly I’ve had a pretty good life and so it’s fine.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Carol in Cal.

[Melissa Louise]

9 hours ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

This I understand completely. I was so full of promise but the lack of confidence, esteem, and efficacy coupled with not finding a person (mentor/partner) to encourage me or show me the way has been devastating.

I remember at one point looking for a mentor, and reaching out to several women to see if they could provide some mentoring. They weren't in a position to do so, but one thing I really noticed about ex's writing career (before he got ill) and mine, was that he never lacked mentors.

Men looked after him - in fact, one of the factors swaying the choice to prioritize his PhD was that a professor-author peer had got him a fee-free scholarship.

I don't feel much about it anymore, but I do remember at the time a feeling of real despair. I knew I needed a mentor, someone to just help me make a transition back into the writing world, after being away from it for my children's infancy, and failing. I really  internalized that as a lack and failure in me, and it took me another twenty years! to start again.

I don't blame those women, because I am sure they were overstretched themselves, but it's another moment. It's all moments.

Really, my life and promise was derailed by abuse...first at home, and then in my marriage. It is really hard patching oneself together after being crushed by the two people who should love you most.

Anyway, a very long and self absorbed way of saying - I'm sorry you have experienced that devastation. When there is no right person at the right time to show the way, it can mean the way is blocked off - for a time or forever. It's a hard thing to deal with.  I wish you could have had the mentorship or guidance you needed.

[Melissa Louise]

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

[regentrude]

37 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

Background totally matters. Having grown up in a functional family with mentally well parents, and choosing a spouse who had grown up in a functional family with mentally well parents, made life so much easier.

Now about choices: Here are a few points in my life where I had to make important choices, and what got me on the path I took ultimately had to do with luck, lack of options, lack of imagination.

As a teen, my dream job was to be an opera singer. My (former opera singer-turned-voice professor) mom nixed that. My life would have been TOTALLY different. But mom was adamant I not apply to conservatory.

I would have loved to be a writer, study languages. But in East Germany, highly coveted majors were reserved for the children of members of the communist party. My parents weren't, so literature, foreign languages, linguistics etc were all out. I went mentally through the list of options and settled on physics because it sounded interesting, I liked math, and it wasn't a hotly coveted field so they'd take me.

1989. When we were on holiday in Hungary after our 3rd year of college, we learned that two days later, trains would run there that could take us to West Germany. No dramatic escape needed, no risk of being shot. You could just simply get on a train and go. We were five friends, sitting on the street and not knowing what to do. We would have to expect that we might never be allowed to see our families again.  If any one of us had said lets do it, we would have. Nobody did. This was the single hardest decision I ever had to make in my life. We could not know at this point that, a few months later, communism would collapse.

With all other life choices, in the background was always so much luck: a functional family of origin. Having healthy children. None of these are my accomplishment.

I also like to believe I contributed to my good outcomes by being goal-oriented, conscientious, and rational. Completing my education, including PhD and postdoc abroad, before having kids was a carefully thought out decision, and one I am extremely glad I made. I finish what I start. When I decide to do something, I work relentlessly to make it happen.

But I think the biggest single factor is the luck of having a family of origin that didn't saddle me with trauma from dysfunction, abuse, and mental illness. I am fully aware what an advantage that is, and what an advantage in turn we were able to give our own children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 12, 2023 by regentrude

[Lecka]

I think my husband is a “make or break.”  I look back and don’t think I had good judgment at that time in my life, even though I did break up with some guys who showed they would not value me.  But that’s all I have to say for myself.  I think I decided maybe a little too much based on attraction, too!  I feel so lucky my husband really likes me!  
 

Both my sisters have somewhat dysfunctional relationships, too.  It’s shocking to me I somehow ended up with the best relationship out of the 3 of us.

 

And then this gets into…. My mom got a divorce and married a much better person (my step-dad) and that was my relationship role model, while my sisters had my dad.  My step-mom was also and incredibly positive influence in my life during my childhood.  
 

I think this has made a huge impact in my life.

 

There is also something that went on in my childhood home that I thought by my early 20s was such a bad idea.  So disappointed to see it repeat in my sister’s family.  So disappointed.  But I think it’s something where — it’s so hard to change some patterns.  But I think it’s really too bad.  And again I think my husband is a major factor in changing this pattern in my family.  

[Ausmumof3]

43 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

I’m with Ecclesiastes on this one 

“I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭9‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

for me it seems like luck 

[Ginevra]

Yes; I often think about the road not taken. Glad I didn’t marry my bf-before-dh. The way I got into a job in my field at 18 was serendipitous. What if I had said no/it’s too far away/it’s too scary/I have to take public transport? 
 

OTOH, it’s weird how life can come full circle. I am now working at a place I interviewed for when I was a teenager…didn’t have my act together then and didn’t take the necessary steps…but now I am working there! I’m still amazed at the way that turned out. I get a little spurt of dopamine as I walk toward the building in the morning and go, “Wow, I work here!” 

[Carol in Cal.]

47 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

For me a lot of it sounds like a read out of a Mr. Magoo cartoon—you know how he is almost blind and wanders around the town without cars and falling girders and such always just missing him without him even knowing that they are there.  I was a decently smart kid who was always small for my age and rather intellectually driven, an avid reader, but also someone who thought that grinding through school work and much of life was not optional but just the nature of things.  But then, all this stuff happened that was …. Chance?  Grace?  Luck?  I’d say, a combo.  And those things enabled me to have a better life than I knew how to plan for. 

I always knew my grandmothers loved me and had my back.  

College degree was a huge benefit.

My staunch faith upbringing and experience as a child of God is impossible to overstate.  I stubbornly look for Truth, all the time.  This colors a lot of the way I approach things, and it’s BIG.

I got exposed to participating in lots of joy-bearing things, some of which I returned to in adulthood—choral music, the Pacific Ocean beaches and bluffs, the Sierra Nevada, hiking, skiing, weaving, telling stories, literature, history.  There were books that I read and thought about that prepared and protected me from some real pitfalls or angst-fests.  These include but are not limited to Galatians, Philippians, Romans, That Hideous Strength, LOTR, Passages, The Berkeley Student Revolt, and others.

I had a very traditional upbringing but an expansive one.  I didn’t really have any mentors to speak of, because I had such a non-traditional career.  It’s been interesting in adulthood to learn what I can learn—lots of things that I thought you just had to have a knack or talent for turn out to be teachable.  That’s been nice!  I’m always interested to figure out something new.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Carol in Cal.

[Not_a_Number]

I've been thinking about a lot about how my life might have gone if I'd made different decisions in my relationships. I can see just what I would have needed to do to make things go better. 

The problem is that it's "current me" that can see that. "Past me" didn't know how to do any of those things. It's kind of hard to wrap your brain around, but to know what to do then, I had to become the person I am now, and I wasn't then 😕 . 

But, yeah, I have lots of regrets. 

[forty-two]

I don't sweat it overmuch, but less because it all turned out well enough (although it more or less did), and more because I'd have had to be an entirely different person for things to have gone differently.  The biggest, long-longest lasting regret I have (avoiding developing good work habits, which led to dropping out of college and ending up in a major years-long depression, which seems to have permanently trashed my mental health), was inevitable given the person I was.  Even my second-biggest regret (not getting a Rhogam shot with my homebirth with my second, because I was scared of the whole autism/vaccine thing and scared of having to go to the ER on my own, which led to sensitization, an ICU stay for my third, and a premature end to having kids), while one single decision in itself, had too many different things contributing to just "do differently." (Although if I'd known for sure the results, that *would* have been impetus enough to have done differently, whereas with the whole work-ethic/depression thing, knowing the consequences has rarely been sufficient to actually do differently.) 

And I also don't sweat it overmuch because I learned valuable lessons through those things.  I'm a lot more compassionate now that I've failed so hard.  And I learned a hard lesson about getting caught up in hysteria and fear with the Rhogam.  it helps that I ended up with most of what I wanted in life: husband, kids, fulfilling work (unpaid, but I'm my own boss).  Not sure I'm ready to go to my class reunion and admit to not finishing college and having no "smart person job" (I was "the smart kid", salutatorian), but I'm using my brains to do good work, and even my younger, ambitious self refused to let societal conventions determine what I did.  I do it differently than I thought I would, but I'm content with where I am (though I feel I mostly ended up here through the grace of God, not my own efforts).  Just wish I was a more functional person, but I'm stumbling along, plus I still haven't given up hope of building up more virtuous habits.

[kathyl]

nm

Edited July 8, 2023 by kathyl

[Clarita]

6 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

I always feel the factor that made things turn out well for me is luck.

Luck that gave me parents who taught me how I should be treated. Despite their mistakes in parenting, they really did teach me what is someone treating me well and what is someone not treating me well (this did not mean they treated me well all the time, but when they didn't I knew and I could tell them so). That I think was the reason I didn't stick with the abusive relationship, even though I can 100% see why women do. 

I'm stubborn. So when someone says I can't I will most definitely try and prove them wrong, especially in my younger days. Proving everyone wrong got me a BS in Electrical Engineering and some patents. 70% to prove to a few idiot high schoolers and my parents wrong. 30% because I like physics and am good at math. Then again luck because my parents supported me going to the college with my major even though they actually doubted that I would graduate with that major.

I also had a lot of good mentors in my life. My bosses at my jobs were really good mentors for me: great at challenging and believing in me, teaching me leadership skills, and in general really looking out for my career. I also have some really great female mentors in life, while they didn't mentor me exactly on my job skills; they were still amazing at teaching how to navigate life in general as a woman (my mom being one of them, then I had one to teach me how to navigate my mom, then another to support me through kids).    

All these things lead me to the choices that I ended up making and the life partner I chose to be with. Opportunities had to present themselves and I had to be able to take advantage of them. 

[Shoeless]

8 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

I just got lucky. 

There's a handful of decision I made that I look back on and say, "That was the right move", but honestly, I didn't make those choices knowing I was doing the right thing. 

I did not have any sort of mentoring or support in anything in life. The only relationship advice I got was "It's just as easy to marry as rich man as it is a poor man". 🙄 The career advice I got was to take secretarial classes, so I had something to fall back on if my husband left me.  🙄   

This is not a life plan!

Whatever good stuff I have today is because I stumbled into it.  I would love to say I had a goal that was achieved through hard work, determination, and smart choices.  It's just not true, though.  Luck played the biggest role.              

[marbel]

NVM 

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by marbel

[Rosla]

I often think about such things. You never know what decisions can change completely change your life in future. Changing a career path, getting married to another person, moving to another city/country, etc. I'm satisfied with my current life, but still, there are things that I wish I did in another way in the past.

[BeachGal]

Not really.

I don’t regret anything that has happened in my life, even the less than the ideal. I grew up on a poor, dysfunctional reservation with few opportunities and that has at its core, a lot of existential problems. Both of my parents also died when I was young forcing me to figure out a lot by myself as a young adult while also helping to raise my younger siblings.

I set my goals on the future, adjusting as needed, and have done what I can to accomplish them. Sometimes I have had to shift my focus or aim for something entirely different but that has led to other, usually positive and often unexpected and surprising, experiences and opportunities.

I’m sure if events or situations had been different, then I’d be different, too. I’m not so sure it would be better, though.

[Wheres Toto]

I definitely didn't have a healthy, functional family of origin.  If I had, I'm sure many things would have gone differently.  Would I have actually gone to veterinarian school if I didn't have to take a break from school every few years to work to earn the money to live and eventually go back to school?   What if my mom actually supported me when I wanted to study English?    Would things have gone smoother if I didn't go to school thousands of miles away at 17 years old, to a place that was severe culture shock, mainly to get away from FOO?  

I'm sure things would have been better if I had more support and better role models for what healthy relationships looked like.   As it is, it took a divorce and until my mid-30's before I had my act together.  

[Hannah]

15 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

Background:  I was born into a healthy, functioning family.  My widowed paternal grandmother immigrated with two small children after WWII and she made a living doing secretarial work and later as a matron of a university residence.  At age 70 Oma single-handedly built her own one-bedroomed house! There was never any doubt in my mind that girls could do anything they set their minds to and could look after themselves.  My mother's family were also immigrants and had a similarly stoic attitude to life.

Events and choices:  My mom died when I was 18 and that changed a lot.  I looked after my younger sisters for 4 months out of six while my father was at sea.  Then about 18 months later, he met and married his wife.  She was somehow jealous of me and to keep the peace I was asked to no longer come home.  I was in my final year of a 3-year commerce degree at the time, which I was going to follow up with a math teaching certification.  I finished the commerce degree and then decided to change course completely and study engineering for another four years.   I think part of that decision was just to find stability for a while and stay in the student town.  I don't think I'd have done it if my mom was still alive.  

Luck: I was able to put repayments of the student loan for the first degree on hold and got a bursary from a good company for my engineering studies.  I am still with this corporate nearly 30 years later.  Some managers were great, others not so great, but I've had fantastic opportunities along the way and honestly have never felt that my gender was an issue.  I was able to work part-time for many years while we homeschooled (even in operations where it had not been allowed before).  Its also where I met my husband.  Our marriage has not been without challenges, mainly due to ill health, but we are a good team and have wonderful kids.  We've been really lucky to have good employment and having been able to save.

Personality:  As the death of my mom happened in young adulthood, this shaped a lot of my personality.  The worst things emotionally had already happened and I had survived, so I knew I could make it on my own.  As an adult I've always been confident in my own abilities and I know that we will make a plan and I believe that things will work out.

[Carol in Cal.]

I just remember a big other influential thing.

When I was a kid, the library limited you to 8 books at a time.  I loved to read so this would barely see me through from visit to visit. My mom insisted that I take out at least one nonfiction book per load, further cramping my reading.  So I gradually hunted through the nonfiction areas to figure out which nonfiction was actually similar to fiction, and settled on biographies.  I read so many of them, mostly of women.  Dozens and dozens of notable women—scientists, soldiers, queens, empresses, explorers, missionaries.  

So I knew that women could do anything.  Because they had.  I just never even wondered about this.  

I realized much later in life that this conviction/knowledge is a bit unusual among grown American women, so I am mentioning it as a gift—it should not have been unusual but it was.

[SKL]

18 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

1) Inheriting IQ and good health genes.

2) Parents who were responsible, valued education, taught work ethic and budgeting, and thought I had promise.

3) Belief in delayed gratification.

4) Prudishness.  Yes, being a prude (as a teen / young adult) probably saved me from some wrong turns.

5) Financial aid (for higher education).

6) Meeting the right people at the right times.

7) Ability to roll with the punches pretty much ... or to get up soon after being knocked down.

[shawthorne44]

 

I had a deep, extended thought about that a few months ago.   I realized that my life would be empty and I'd have been miserable if I'd gotten everything I'd wanted.  So, I started to add "They will be done" to my prayers.   

 

[Tap]

Bf and I talk about it sometimes. We very casually dated in high school He lived in another city over an hour away. I didn't want a long distance relationship. We always had amazing chemistry, so it was easy to fall for him over and over, each time he visited. He visited my town on occasion because he had family there. He tried one last time to get me to more officially date him, right before he went into the Navy. I declined, really not wanting to be a military stateside girlfriend.  

He ended up in the Navy for 20 years, had a few marriages and  4 kids. His wives all  cheated, so he had some really rough years of divorces and juggling military life with family.  He has a lot of trauma due to being at sea, and the toll it took on his families/kids. 2 of his kids were raised by their respective mothers. He got full custody of the other 2 (one special needs son was a product of her affair) and has raised them as a single military dad  with extended family support.  He struggles with knowing he did the right thing, but also sees how the kids lives were tumultuous.  He fought to be an active father in all of their lives, but being at sea makes that impossible at times. ( x-wives who retained custody didn't facilitate connection)

I ended up marrying a guy I met that same summer (that BF went into the Navy). Together 30 years, maybe happy for 10. I stayed thee last 20 for the kids. I was actually getting ready to break up with my xh when i found out I was pg with my first child.  My xh is a decent guy, but always put work first, then friends then family. He was a work-acholic and was always gone. There were months when we would only see him a few days. I raised the kids predominately as a single parent. 

 

BF and I talk about if we were together. We are both very family focused and he wistfully wonders what it would have been like to have a supportive loving wife at home. I didn't want a 'long distance' relationship, but ended up in a marriage that was almost the same thing.  I grew up traveling with my family, and would have loved to travel to his military posts.  xh wouldn't leave the state we were in. 

I would never, ever wish away my bio kids!!! They are amazing people. But, we do talk about if we would have has similarly amazing kids and a live that we both felt supported in. Instead of doing a lot of solo parenting and broken marriages,

His family talks about how much happier he is with me and they wish we would have been together the whole time. I think this is super sweet and is a reminder that the right person is out there, we just may need to look backwards to find them

[luuknam]

Not really. It's basically chaos theory at that point, with sensitive dependence on initial conditions (like the butterfly effect). The furthest I tend to get is "wow, my life would probably be crazy different!" and then imagination fails me. Like, I'm capable of thinking that I might be a successful scientist with a PhD, or dead, or have no kids or many more than I currently do, or living in another country, etc, but it's too open-ended to really even bother. It's complete fantasy, and anything I could imagine could easily be completely different and way worse (well, I guess you can't go much worse than dead, other than maybe tied up in some torturous serial-killer's basement). 

[alysee]

Nop! I remember in Gr. 12 we had to write a paper about where and what we will be doing when we are 27/28. Everyone wrote about these exotic dreams. I wrote that I will be married to my now husband living in a log cabin with our 5 children. I didn't know about homeschooling yet but I can imagine I would have wanted to do it too. 

I don't live in a Log cabin nor do I have a desire to but my dreams are my reality. 

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by alysee

[Soror]

I do think of a few key moments and choices. 

- deciding to stay here for the local CC instead of going off to the 4 yr college

- not going ahead with my Master's right after my Bachelor's or doing the distance learning program that became available locally before it was ended

On a smaller scale-- 

not going for a big vaca earlier

In every instance that I think of regret, it is because I let fear hold me back from the thing I wanted to do. I was afraid I cannot do it. I wasn't enough in some way. 

So, even though I'm glad I stayed here now because otherwise I wouldn't have met my husband I try to stifle my fear when it's trying to hold me back.

I've failed things on smaller and bigger scales because I just went for something. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

It's also a reason I (we) prioritize family vacations. Why I jumped back into FT employment. After years of considering things in my brain I just went for it. 

I want my children to see the wider world. I want them to know there is more out there. There are lots of options. How and where they choose to live is up to them but I want it to be with the knowledge of what they could do. I was too afraid to leave my small town even though I really wanted to. 

I do not regret staying home. I've loved my time with my kids but I do wish I'd have dipped my toe back into working earlier. I do think Covid did bring about some positive changes IRT flexibility in the work place. I want my kids to see that there are more than 2 options- work or stay at home. 

The things is we don't know what we don't know. We do the best we can and hopefully learn from our mistakes as we go.

I definitely think of privilege what I've had and what I'm able to give to my children. I came from an intact home as did my husband. My parents were crazy supportive and encouraging and respected my thoughts and opinions as I grew up. I cherish that so much. I try to do the same with mine. I wish we could provide more monetarily but we can only do what we can. Now, that I'm working I am glad that I will be able to help them with college. It would be impossible without my salary as even together we're not high income earners (at least not until dh graduates and gets a promotion).

((( I'm sure this is all disjointed as I've worked on this post off and on for 2 days and keep getting distracted)))

[SKL]

Now I'm wondering what my kids will say about this in 30-40 years.

Of course much of what I do is for their present and future, but there are probably gaps.

I really don't want my kids leaving home as teens.  But maybe that would be best for them in the long run.  Or not ....

[Harriet Vane]

22 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I just remember a big other influential thing.

When I was a kid, the library limited you to 8 books at a time.  I loved to read so this would barely see me through from visit to visit. My mom insisted that I take out at least one nonfiction book per load, further cramping my reading.  So I gradually hunted through the nonfiction areas to figure out which nonfiction was actually similar to fiction, and settled on biographies.  I read so many of them, mostly of women.  Dozens and dozens of notable women—scientists, soldiers, queens, empresses, explorers, missionaries.  

So I knew that women could do anything.  Because they had.  I just never even wondered about this.  

I realized much later in life that this conviction/knowledge is a bit unusual among grown American women, so I am mentioning it as a gift—it should not have been unusual but it was.

I love reading biographies. I still remember finding a Clara Barton biography on a bookshelf when I was in fourth or fifth grade, and I was completely transfixed.

Any current favorites?

[Carol in Cal.]

11 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

I love reading biographies. I still remember finding a Clara Barton biography on a bookshelf when I was in fourth or fifth grade, and I was completely transfixed.

Any current favorites?

You know what, it is has been a while since I’ve read a good biography.  How about you?

[Kidlit]

On 6/13/2023 at 11:39 AM, SKL said:

 

3) Belief in delayed gratification.

4) Prudishness.  Yes, being a prude (as a teen / young adult) probably saved me from some wrong turns.

5) Financial aid (for higher education

I've actually often thought about this.   I was raised in a church that taught sanctification and really emphasized purity of life (not just s**ual but all kinds of moral and ethical purity)  and I do believe it protected me from a lot.  I don't seem to feel the same remorse or have the hang-ups that some who were raised similarly to me have.  I have a marriage of 24 years that has been better than a lot I've seen and one which I think we both are still very glad to be in.  (In other words--my religious upbringing didn't hamper my marriage in any way.) Anyway--YES. I understand this completely. 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Kidlit

[math teacher]

Yes to dodging bullets with ex boyfriends and major life regrets. I dated a guy and he wanted to get married-he actually told my mother in front of me that he would not be faithful. Like...Dude!!! Another unbelievable remark he made, "We can live off of what you make and save my income." I am so thankful that I had the good sense to not marry him. But, if my parents had not been so dysfunctional, I probably wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. Speaking of parents-if my dad had listened to his mother, and married someone else, well...I wouldn't be here talking about this. If we had lived in a different house growing up, we probably wouldn't have ended up going to the church with a spiritually abuse pastor that stole nearly 40 years of my life and is I'm sure the cause of a lot of my problems. I would have gone to college sooner, possibly into the medical field. I have no regrets about meeting and marrying dh, but we would have married sooner if not for the previously mentioned. So yeah, heavy stuff.

[Kidlit]

On 6/12/2023 at 5:28 PM, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

My life hasn't been perfect or necessarily even ideal at times, but we've weathered a few storms and haven't sunk.  I do attribute that to a stable home life as a child and also marrying well--someone whose temperament complements mine and who is just a good man who is a hard worker and good at what he does.   Marrying well (not necessarily financially--just NOT having a mismatched marriage) can't be over estimated. 

[Sneezyone]

On 6/12/2023 at 6:28 PM, Melissa Louise said:

I wonder:

For those of you who don't worry about it, because everything turned out well anyway, can you trace a series of factors that got you there? Personality, background, choices?

 

Background, yes, but not in the way some describe.

I had intensely powerful family stories of resilience and achievement, on both sides, over many generations. On one side, I got boisterous, voluntary togetherness, open secret flaws, advocacy and achievement. On the other, forced togetherness, relentless drive, secrets, competition, comparison, and masking. I didn't have parents with a fully functional marriage though they were married for 20 years.

My DH didn't grow up in a super functional extended family but his parents were a unit and his immediate family, while poor and blended, was more emotionally stable than mine. We shared similar principles and values WRT commitment, reliability, stability, and work ethic. We wanted something more/better/different (him materially, me emotionally) and were committed to working as a team to get it. The best and most important choice/bet we made was on each other. Maybe that was luck. Who knows. Our decision-making is largely joint and collaborative. That helped to minimize regret too.

Every blue moon, I wonder about attending Bard instead of finishing my senior year of HS. But...no, despite the bad stuff of that year and after, I don't think I'd have been happy with that outcome either and would have missed out on my bestie of 25+ years, my DH and my kids. I sometimes wonder what my career would look like if I'd finished law school when DD was an infant but I know, in retrospect, that I'd have hated every minute of practicing law. My mother soured me on the profession something awful. I sometimes wonder what happened to my first love, but not in a way that I'd prefer him to DH and want to make a different choice. It's more like mild curiosity and hope that he's doing well. Those are the only two/three big things I can think of that I often reflect on.

Edited June 15, 2023 by Sneezyone

[SeaConquest]

On 6/12/2023 at 5:04 AM, Granny_Weatherwax said:

Yes, almost every day. This is not the life I envisioned and it makes me sad. But, as others have said, if I allow myself to sit with those thoughts too long, it breeds discontent, regret, resentment and a host of other not-so-useful emotions.

I wish I could figure out how not to sit with the thoughts. They seem to consume me, and I hate it.

[gardenmom5]

Yes, I think about how easily my life could have been entirely different given my background.  

Edited June 15, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Granny_Weatherwax]

8 hours ago, SeaConquest said:

I wish I could figure out how not to sit with the thoughts. They seem to consume me, and I hate it.

I hear you. I am really struggling at the moment as high school and college classmates are in the prime of their careers. I try to be happy for them, I really do. I read their publications, applaud their accolades, and learn of their retirement plans. I'm over here like - dude, when l am I going to get started? knowing all too well that I will never reach those goals.

I don't invite the thoughts in but, by golly, as I'm weeding the dratted flower beds for the third time and listening to an audiobook I think, "What the heck did I do? I could have been working in my lab, studying the effects of XYZ on synaptic potentials."

[KidsHappen]

Well lately, I am wishing I had sold my house a year ago. 

I onced allowed something that my momma gut told me not to and I was right.

And if I knew then what I know now and was able I would have reversed the birth off my last two children. The older of the two needed more babying and the younger not so much. And I would have the youngest out of the house by bow. 

I don't really know that there is much I could have done differently about my health so I don't fret about it much.

Pretty much everything else has turned out pretty much as I would have wished. Even if we had all the money in the world we would still sell this house and downsize. Buy a car that is newer than 20 years old and maybe travel a little if I was able.