gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thatfirstsip Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 He's had a bad psychiatric reaction to a drug combo he's been on for two weeks? Is there no chance of asking for a psych consult and getting the drugs changed, and seeing what happens? I'm not a committed-to-marriage person, at all, but it seems really drastic to me to be talking divorce because of a bad med combo. Have there been troublesome relationship patterns before this, or is really something that just happened in the last few days while he's been on drugs in the hospital? 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Tiggywinkle Again Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) I would not be jumping to addiction and divorce at this point(my understanding is that he’s not been on these medications a long time; if I’m wrong ignore me). Is this a complete change of character for him? I would be more considering that they are negatively affecting his moods and the paranoia/rage is a side effect of the medication/combo. My husband cannot take Morphine or derivatives because it literally results in me removing the guns—so now that we know that he is careful to never ever have morphine. Obviously your daughter being a PharmD has probably already considered this, but I would start there. Edited February 17, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I am so sorry. Not going into detail because you are going to delete, but the last time I had surgery, the nurse told me it only takes 10 days for this problem to occur. 😞 Praying for your dd and dsil. 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I'm very, very sorry, and I don't know any answers for you. But I will say that when MIL had a spinal infection, she was completely not herself mentally and treated people around her in a mean way, though she was normally a very gentle person. If they have not had marital troubles until now, I would really wonder if it is not really him talking but is a symptom of his medical situation that will go away when he is better. With that said, I don't know anything about the addiction issues that may be involved. But if this is highly unusual behavior for him, perhaps it may be temporary. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 This is so scary. I really hope that the doctors get on top of this quickly. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Gosh, gardenmom. What a horrifying problem! I have no experience or advice on this matter but I will hope for a good resolution. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I’m so sorry. Praying this gets resolved quickly and they get him back in his right mind. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 2 minutes ago, Quill said: Gosh, gardenmom. What a horrifying problem! I have no experience or advice on this matter but I will hope for a good resolution. Same! I am so sorry! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) I'm asking for advice on how 2dd can protect herself and her children. It's called - hope for the best, plan for the worst. Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) I'm with the others in wondering if they had any marital issues that had your dd considering divorce before this. If not, it seems a huge, rapid leap to be going straight to divorce lawyers rather than concentrating on resolving the current crisis with the dependency he has developed. It's not his fault that this happened--doctors prescribed these medications for his pain, and he took them. So, I wouldn't see this as a character flaw of his part. It was already extremely dangerous that he was on the oxy for as long as he was, and I'm wondering if that is contributing to this. He is dealing with oxy withdrawal on top of having these new meds, and the the new med combo is likely helping him handle the oxy withdrawal symptoms, which can be really, truly awful. I have no idea what the new meds are, and it sounds like the whole med situation is dangerous, but I see it as a problem that has been inflicted on him by drug mismanagement, and he needs help getting through withdrawal so that he can be back to his normal self. Certainly people do manage that, particularly when it's been as short a time as this has been. Some of these drugs are given way to cavalierly, though (with the oxy drugs being some of the worst as far as ruining lives). eta: And I should have started with saying: I'm really, really sorry for everyone involved in this situation. It's so sad, and I've seen it happen in a family member, so hits super close to home and is upsetting the way drugs are prescribed. I hope he gets over the hump and starts feeling better and symptoms subside. Edited February 17, 2023 by KSera 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I don't have any advice but I just want to say that I'm so very sorry. What a horrible situation for everyone involved. My heart hurts for all of you. 😞 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 No advice but am praying for your family 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 What an awful situation. I’m so sorry. Back in the day a PO Box was necessary to have a place to send mail. Not sure it’s needed now, but it might be helpful. She might want to open a credit card in her name only if she doesn’t already have one. And investigate whether she can remove her name from a joint card. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 For your specific questions it sounds like talking to a lawyer or two is a good idea. Get your questions answered about their relationship and the health care. I’m sorry it’s gotten even more difficult. And pray it gets better. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw4321 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 She will have less control over her children’s interactions with him if they divorce. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 I've spent a lot of time in their house. I usually am spending two weeks at a time. Since mid october, I've spent over six weeks living with them. I know a lot more than most. Like I said - she loves her husband, but if she can't him the help he needs, she needs to protect her children. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 How is he buying that stuff from a hospital bed? I mean, it's America, so why not, but REALLY? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) I wont' quote, but as far as the oxy not having been as bad, the issue comes in stopping the oxy. Now that he is not getting it anymore, and after being on it for so many weeks as he was, it's almost certain that his body is really struggling with withdrawal. it's common for oxy not to sem like any problem until someone tries to stop it. Hopefully he will be done withdrawing soon, and things will start improving. Edited February 17, 2023 by KSera typo 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 Just now, YaelAldrich said: How is he buying that stuff from a hospital bed? I mean, it's America, so why not, but REALLY? right now - the drs are giving it to him. if he's on it when he goes home - he can take it whenever he wants instead having to wait - and it's a very dangerous slippery slope. it's how addiction works. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) deleted Edited February 17, 2023 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Some people have delusions and mental illness like symptoms after anesthesia. I can't say I would let everything go because of what you are saying (because it is so scary and serious sounding) but this might be temporary. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said: right now - the drs are giving it to him. if he's on it when he goes home - he can take it whenever he wants instead having to wait - and it's a very dangerous slippery slope. it's how addiction works. I mean the things you mentioned he buying which have to do with 2nd Amendment rights. Is he buying more of them from the hospital bed or is you DD and their friends worried about what he already has (and sound like will be moved out of reach)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I won’t debate the drug stuff. However, she needs to talk to an attorney asap. Is her name on the house? What about the car titles? Can she slowly make a cash stash somewhere? If he’s violent, she needs that, maybe with a trusted friend. A go bag in the car with toothbrushes and pajamas for the kids? this is dreadful, I’m so sorry. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 If he’s badgering her about spending, all the more reason to separate finances asap. Buy stuff specifically for the kids from joint account, perhaps, but I’d be trying to distance myself from joint accounts because if he starts spending wildly she doesn’t want to be on the hook for half of that. And if he starts getting credit card cash advances to buy drugs… I hope it all works out and that he’s back to himself soon. But it sounds like he’s been acting off since fall, long before the meds were combined two weeks ago. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 She needs the best family lawyer she can find ASAP because you're not really allowed to protect children from their fathers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Did they ever find out why it looked like he wasn't metabalizing the oxy? Could that have some effect on how he is processing or reacting to the current meds? When do they plan to start weaning him off what he is taking now? Have they considered an anti-anxiety while they wean him? I have to admit if he is enjoying the high and craving the meds that is not a good sign and does not bode well for the future. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 This sounds awful - I’m praying. Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyMom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Document everything, every interaction with both him and the Drs/nurses. Get info on all the medications he is on, and make copies of medical info if possible- can she log into his portal to keep watch of what is going on? Talk to a good lawyer about protecting assets and children. He should not have access to saving or extra money once he's out of the hospital, minimizing how much he has access to is important to stop him from going to local dealers (although Drs are bad enough). I knew a wonderful couple who had a similar situation. Sometimes there isn't another solution. She is right to think of the kids, because she is the only one who will be. Addiction is a terrible illness, and his will be a tough recovery regardless. At the hospital, is there an advocate she can speak to about the sudden change in personality and mood? 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I would look closely at the finances to make sure it is optimal in case of a need to split everything. This would mean paying off any debt she has in her name only, with joint money. And, do not pay off the mortgage as the debt would be joint and he would have a legal right to half the assets. Also, she will need evidence to prove that she is the fit parent. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGal Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 As a precaution, she should try to set up a safe place that she and the children can go to quickly if necessary. A place her husband won’t suspect. If possible, stock some personal items, documents ,etc. there already or have them somewhere she can eventually access without his knowledge. A good place would be somewhere her husband won’t suspect. If he can track her car at all, or if he even might have a tracker on her car, she should consider different transportation. Trackers can be hard to detect. She could put a hidden tracker on his car just to know if he’s pursuing her. Wow. I am so sorry this has all happened and so quickly. I would be livid with the MDs who prescribed a questionable combo. Like everyone else has said, document everything and store at least one copy of anything printed away from her current home. Maybe she could have some printed labels, stamps and envelopes handy but hidden that could be sent to you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Does he consent to having the guns removed from the house? If he doesn’t consent, I think it’s complicated for a 3rd party to keep guns this way. I would ask (a lawyer?) if there is a way she can store them off-site legally. I feel like I’ve heard this is possible but I don’t remember. But I think this is a ticking time bomb and honestly if someone doesn’t consent to having their personal property taken away it’s like — they are probably going to get their personal property back. I think too — what is the medium and long term plan here. Is it that he agrees he will never store guns in the house again? While the children are young? Until she says he can have them back? I just think it’s out of her hands if her husband’s friend decides he can have them back, or he tells his friend he has stolen his guns and he will report them stolen. I hope he will consent to not storing guns in his home. There are a lot of people who store their guns permanently at a friend’s house or at a gun range or something. Other than that I think it’s time to take precautions, and take steps, but I also hope this is something where he can improve. I think it’s too soon to know how things are going to turn out with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 I am sorry all of this is happening. If this is a real character change, my advice would be not to jump to conclusions and make quick decisions. It is good that he is in rehab. I posted in another thread that when I had two under the age of three, DH had major back surgery, and it was NOT easy. He had a reaction to some medication, and I had major concerns about the pain medications. (My DH was not in pain before the surgery--but had to have the surgery due to numbness that would prevent him from walking--his pain (and all of the pain meds) started after the surgery.) One of my biggest regrets was that they sent DH home from the hospital rather than putting him in rehab (and without extensive physical therapy). I think it really compromised his recovery and the burden on me of taking care of a 2-year old, a preemie infant, and a husband who was recovering back surgery was really too much. We were dealing with pain, lack of sleep, worry about finances, worry about health and recovery, side effects of pain medication.... all at once. DH said some really stupid, irrational, crazy things at the time (I probably did also). But, we are well over 20 years down the road and we survived; it was a painful time that I would not wish upon anyone. The main thing I would do differently is insist on rehab for as long as possible. As far as his complaining about financing, how much does he know about what is being spent while he is in the hospital/rehab? I realize with electronic access to account these days, he may be able to see a lot while he is in rehab. I would try to have as much of that be done in a way that isn't readily visible to him. If he has not had these concerns before, I would consider this an over-reaction due to stress and try to shield him from the stress of household finance and operations as much as possible right now. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Can they get him admitted for a psych evaluation or sue the hospital to pay for rehab? If the marriage was fine before he went into the hospital divorce seems drastic for a medical problem that’s not his fault. We’d be crucifying the husband for jumping to divorce over this. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 It sounds like there were control issues and some degree of paranoia/delusion even before the drug issues. And of course the drug addiction adds a whole new layer of irrationality/paranoia/delusion on top of the existing control issues — then top that off with a stash of guns and ammo and frankly that would scare the hell out of me. If she does not already have separate bank accounts and credit cards, that is the first thing to do. If there are ways for her to discretely move some money, like buying a couple of VISA or store cards on each grocery run, do that. And I would talk to a lawyer ASAP — filing for divorce would at least let her ask the court to freeze their assets, so he can't clean out their accounts, sell/damage their cars or other assets, etc. I have read that once you file for divorce, money you earn after filing is your separate property, so she could have her checks deposited in her separate account that he couldn't touch. Obviously IANAL, yadda yadda, but I have been through a divorce from a mentally ill spouse, and this advice appears on multiple legal websites. But of course, consult a local attorney ASAP. If things ultimately work out, she can always withdraw the divorce petition, but if things go badly then at least she will have her ducks in a row and can protect her kids. And sometimes when things go bad, they can go very bad very quickly, so it's critical to be prepared for the worst, even while still hoping for the best. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 Just now, YaelAldrich said: I mean the things you mentioned he buying which have to do with 2nd Amendment rights. Is he buying more of them from the hospital bed or is you DD and their friends worried about what he already has (and sound like will be moved out of reach)? I'm deleting - the issues are not 2nd amendment issues, no matter what you might think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 Can she get a lawyer involved in getting him off the meds now? If they won’t talk to her, they’ll have to talk to her lawyer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 In her position I would not agree to go home with him with weapons in the house while he is on those meds. If he wants the weapons one of them must find another place to stay. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 3 minutes ago, athena1277 said: Can she get a lawyer involved in getting him off the meds now? If they won’t talk to her, they’ll have to talk to her lawyer. But presumably he has the legal right to determine with whom his private medical information is shared, so her lawyer wouldn't have any more right to that information than she would. If she was hiring a lawyer to sue the hospital for malpractice, due to the combination of meds (assuming she would even have standing for that, since the person who is getting the meds is quite happy to have them), then her lawyer would just be talking to the hospital's lawyer, and that's going to be a long, drawn out, expensive process that is not going to get him off the meds quickly. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said: I'm deleting - the issues are not 2nd amendment issues, no matter what you might think. I think the confusion is that you said he is complaining currently about her spending too much, but that he is the bigger spender - on guns and ammo. The question was whether he is currently shopping for those items while in the hospital. You misinterpreted the question to be about the meds, then she replied that she was asking about the guns, but said "2nd amendment items" instead of guns/ammo. TLDR: everybody knows this isn't about the 2nd amendment. Back to the OP now. I hope your DD is able to protect herself and kids no matter what happens going forward. I have no advice on how to go about that, but am wishing her the best. 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 1 hour ago, KidsHappen said: When do they plan to start weaning him off what he is taking now? the current combo is super bad all by itself. dd has zero information on any plan to wean him. 43 minutes ago, Bootsie said: It is good that he is in rehab. He is doing rehab for the back surgery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 1 hour ago, fraidycat said: the question was whether he is currently shopping for those items while in the hospital. Y he can only do online he last two weeks - but he's been in multiple gun stores in the last three months. he's talked about it frequently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 If he has a security clearance, can she talk to his work supervisor? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2023 Author Share Posted February 17, 2023 2 minutes ago, Terabith said: If he has a security clearance, can she talk to his work supervisor? not really an option that would make a positive difference. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted February 17, 2023 Share Posted February 17, 2023 (edited) I'm sorry they are going through this on top of everything else. I've not been through anything remotely similar so I won't try and offer advice - just lots of virtual hugs 🤗 🤗🤗 Edited February 17, 2023 by Soror 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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