I’m so furious on ds’ behalf and may do something bold in a few hours

[Ginevra]

Please don’t quote. 
>Deleted. 
Please don’t quote. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Quill

[arliemaria]

No advice, but I am so sorry! What a difficult experience!

[JustEm]

I'm sorry your ds is going through that. But follow your own advice. If the parents of a minor do not want you to see their minor daughter, there is not much you can do about it.

You going over there will not accomplish anything.

 

Edited because of autocorrect spelling error

Edited March 30, 2022 by hjffkj

[mom31257]

I'm so very sorry! My advice would be to stay out of it. Our kids are going to be hurt, and you probably won't be able to change her mind.  Comfort him in this loss and use it to help him grow. 

A lot of conservative parents are very opposed to even mild profanity, but I see a trend that young people in those circles are using it more. 

 

[Amethyst]

That stinks and I know you're hurt for him. But agreeing with others, don't do anything with the parents. Just support your ds. Hugs.

 

[Katy]

Ugh. Duggar vibes. I’m so sorry. 

[Grace Hopper]

I would be hurt on my son’s behalf and angry, too. But I would not go confront the parents. My guess is that it isn’t going to go over well with the daughter, either. She may rebel, and you don’t want to appear complicit with that, kwim? Just stay in your own nest, console the son, and make it clear to him that you have no hard feelings against the girl and she wouldn’t be rejected by you or your family. 
 

I’m so sorry for your son. Focus on helping weather it without growing resentment. 

[KeriJ]

I am one who would consider visiting the mom. Only if I was able to be calm so that it is not seen as a confrontation but rather clarification.  That's just me though.

[Katy]

DS might like to hear that you’re so upset on his behalf. I know I was really touched in a similar situation as a teen when my mom was on my side. 

[Kassia]

15 minutes ago, Amethyst said:

That stinks and I know you're hurt for him. But agreeing with others, don't do anything with the parents. Just support your ds. Hugs.

 

This is how I feel too.  I'm really sorry for your son and how this all makes you hurt as well.

[Elizabeth86]

I would feel the same way, BUT like don't go over to their house. I think you should calm down a bit first. Maybe later, but not yet.

[MEmama]

Teen heartbreak is not the place for mom to insert herself. Console your son, yes, but leave it at that. As you stated, he’s nearly a legal adult. Treat him that way. 

[mmasc]

Wow. Just wow. That really, really sucks for your ds and I’d be super upset, too. I do agree with the pps though about not going to their house and talking with the mom. Your best work here will be done by talking to, supporting, and loving your son through this. (((Hugs))) 

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, Katy said:

DS might like to hear that you’re so upset on his behalf. I know I was really touched in a similar situation as a teen when my mom was on my side. 

I did tell him that this morning when I took him out to the bus stop. He had a laugh. I do think it’s some comfort to him that I’m so mad on his behalf. I thanked him last night for confiding something so painful to me. 

[TexasProud]

Just stay out of it. Your spidey sense already told you something. You don't want the relationship anyway. Just stay out. Nothing good will come from it. 

[Scarlett]

Quill I am sorry for your son. Teen heartbreak is painful no matter whose fault.

I am always perplexed when parents like this girl’s allow a relationship and then cut it off over something minor.  Honestly it sounds like a horrible family to be mixed up in. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Scarlett

[freesia]

I would also say stay out of it. But keep an open mind. We had a situation with a boy and my oldest dd years ago where the story the boys mother believed was not in fact the truth. In that case she wouldn’t listen to my concerns—which doesn’t sound like you, I’m just sharing bc I know how it is to be on the other side of things.  We protected dd bc the relationship was extremely unhealthy and she was very young. So, it’s different ( although you don’t mention her age—is she also 16/17?), but the principle is there. You can guess what’s going on from their point of view, but you really don’t know. Even your ds might not have the whole story. Comfort him, of course, but maybe tell your ds that the parents have all kinds of reasons for making these decisions and, when he’s a dad, he will want the decisions he makes supported. These situations are so hard all around. 

[HomeAgain]

Your options to be involved and maintain dignity are few.  I would just continue to be an open door and open ear.

DS had a friend in high school who was being similarly cut off.  He reached back out after graduation and let her know he was still part of her life, if she wanted him to be.  It was a good thing.  Even though he was no longer around (far out of state) it gave her a bit of courage and a wider support network, since he had stayed in contact with several in the area. It took her two years to move out of her parents' house and longer to situate herself at the college and entry level job, but that support network was invaluable to her.

[Indigo Blue]

At least give yourself time to calm down and think clearly. Right now you’re still so angry. I don’t blame you. I sense weird vibes too, and I’d want to stand up for my son. As hard as it is to resist, he is practically an adult. This may, at some point, require having a conversation with them, or maybe not. I would just give it some time and see how I feel when the anger settles down. This sounds like a hard situation. 

[mlktwins]

I know this is hard and it hurts us to see our kids hurt and upset.  I get where you are coming from!  My almost 17 year old boys would not want me to approach the parents.  At all.  I would just be there for your son as you are already doing.

[Soror]

I'd be upset too. But as you know and has been said, nothing good will come of saying anything.

I'd just say thank goodness they only went out a couple of weeks. Much better that they broke it off early. There is very little chance they would have let the relationship continue long term anyway.

I'd be mad for ds and sad for the girl. 

Dd1 was talking to a boy from a really, really fundy church (his dad is the head pastor). I was very frank with her about what the church teaches as I couldn't see her as someone his parents approve and didn't want her to be some girlfriend that he hid on the side (or someone that was guilting and shaming her to fit their mold). I wanted her to be aware and keep an eye out. I was relieved when she broke it off with him.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Soror

[lmrich]

Nothing positive will come from you going there. 

We have had encounters with folks like these.. controlling parents who think they are acting in their child's best interest by putting up a tall fence around their child. It NEVER works. Be grateful your son does not have to be part of the train wreck that is coming. That sweet girl is going to have to go great heights to break down that fence her parents put up. It will be ugly. Meanhwile, comfort your son and continuee to trust your instincts - you knew something was off, and it was. 

By the way.. I am disgusted by the ultra conservative folks who truly do not understand that teens need fogiveness and guidance not  judgement and punishment. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I was your DS once a long time ago. I was really close to a fundie missionary boy.  His parents made him cut it off after two years once they realized I was dead set on college and there was no way my parents would sign for a marriage at 17.  They wanted us to marry and I’d go to the mission field with them.

It still hurts.  My parents did not step in at all. I think they also assumed we’d get married; but after college.  His parents thought I would not be the stay at home homeschooling wife of many they desired for their son, and they were big into courtship(this was 1996-1999ish)1-and homeschooling, home church, working at home, the whole Mary Pride triad.

I know they haven’t been together long, but the abruptness still hurts. Please make sure your son know this isn’t about him or something wrong with him.  It’s her parents.

The funny thing is that I’m still in touch with that boyfriend. He eventually did break free and go to college in his mid-20s.  He married a girl from there. She didn’t want more than one child, and that’s all they have.  She works full time and is very career focused.  He works in an office traveling 50-75% of the time and has little to do with raising their son. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but it’s a whole different world than what his parents expected for him.  And frankly, I dodged a bullet.

[Indigo Blue]

You just can’t judge someone’s character based on a few curse words. I’ve known people who are morally upstanding though not conservative vs others who are conservative but very selfish.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Indigo Blue
Couldn’t get the wording right

[Momto6inIN]

I know it hurts that your son is hurting. I do think taking control of a teenagers phone is probably an overreaction on their part. And *if* you're right about the whole church thing I can understand that being annoying. BUT ... you really only have suspicions and assumptions. There are a million and one reasons why they might have acted the way they did and the one you're upset about is only one of those possibilities. We have no idea what has happened in this girl's life prior to this incident that might have made them act the way they did.

Seems like there's a whole lot of assuming going on in this thread from just one incident. Kind of like assuming a kid is bad news based solely on him cussing a little 🤔

[SKL]

I think it's not a bad idea to ask the parents why they did what they did, but with an open mind.  You might learn something, and you might be able to pass useful information on to your son.

I don't know how old the girl is, but if she's under 18, the parents have every right to restrict her phone use and comings and goings.

There may well be more to the story, and even if there isn't, there's nothing you can do to change it.

Though, asking with an open mind could improve the parents' opinion of your family ... much more likely than being confrontational or overprotective of your son.

My kids have a friend who has lost her phone repeatedly over foolish choices, and at this point she may never get it back.  Even my daughter, who may be this girl's best friend, understands why.  Some people are just too impulsive and aren't ready for the responsibility.

[SKL]

Also I used to have a friend with born-again fundie parents who seemed to be overreacting by keeping her away from boys (after finding notes etc.).  Except maybe they had good reason, considering she went on to have her first child at age 17.  (ETA she later told me her first intercourse was at age 11, which was before they moved to fundieland and got born again.)

Edited March 30, 2022 by SKL

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

Seems like there's a whole lot of assuming going on in this thread from just one incident. Kind of like assuming a kid is bad news based solely on him cussing a little 🤔

Right but they also did not give ANY opportunity to clarify issues. They had a hundred and one other choices besides going straight to locking Rapunzel in the tower. 

[Danae]

1.  Confronting her mom would not be bold, it would be ridiculous.

2. It’s not about whatever cuss words your son used in his texts.  Her parents don’t think he’s the type of boyfriend they want for their daughter.  They’re probably right about that. (Whether their desires are healthy or realistic is another question, but they’re probably right that your son doesn’t fit them.)

 

[SKL]

Just now, Quill said:

Right but they also did not give ANY opportunity to clarify issues. They had a hundred and one other choices besides going straight to locking Rapunzel in the tower. 

You don't know the history of what they did or didn't do prior to locking Rapunzel in the tower.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also I used to have a friend with born-again fundie parents who seemed to be overreacting by keeping her away from boys (after finding notes etc.).  Except maybe they had good reason, considering she went on to have her first child at age 17.

IME, that is a typical *reaction* to hyper-control, not a reason to enact it. 

[SKL]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

IME, that is a typical *reaction* to hyper-control, not a reason to enact it. 

I know that's what we like to say, but the fact is that some girls engage in risky behavior that has lifelong consequences - and this happens in overly-controlling families, in neglectful families, and even in "nice" families.

ETA the girl I mentioned later told me that her first intercourse was at age 11.

Edited March 30, 2022 by SKL

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

You don't know the history of what they did or didn't do prior to locking Rapunzel in the tower.

That is true, but I know what they *didnt* do: they didn’t make any attempt to resolve the issue(s) with ds or with his parents. The mom sent a text to him and then apparently blocked  his contact. The end. They never even received my son’s response, which was polite and asked for them to get to know him. 

[Soror]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also I used to have a friend with born-again fundie parents who seemed to be overreacting by keeping her away from boys (after finding notes etc.).  Except maybe they had good reason, considering she went on to have her first child at age 17.

 

1 minute ago, Quill said:

IME, that is a typical *reaction* to hyper-control, not a reason to enact it. 

I know 2 girls that ran off with boys and got pregnant as teenagers. They were both from very conservative and controlling homes. Maybe it would have happened regardless of their parenting, we only have so much control over how our kids turn out. Dd1's friend that is the most conservative is the one messing around with boys the most. 

[Lecka]

I think it sounds extremely concerning but I think talking to the parents could backfire on the girl.  

[Guest]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

I know that's what we like to say, but the fact is that some girls engage in risky behavior that has lifelong consequences - and this happens in overly-controlling families, in neglectful families, and even in "nice" families.

Maybe, but it’s not just what we like to say; it’s been verified in studies. Anecdotally, I also watched it happen to a family member and others I knew from my fundy upbringing. My parents were like this, too, but by the time I was 16-17-18, they had the example of my older sisters and saw that it does not work. 

[freesia]

Her age also makes a difference for me and the phone confiscation. How old is she?13/14 or 16/17? My ds’s mental health was visibly worse when she spent long periods of time texting with the boy I mentioned above. We did restrict texting on the advice of our therapist.  It “looked” controlling, but was actually very healthy for our situation. (After an initial three months, we did let her have limited contact.) if she had been older and closer in age to the boy,we would have handled it differently, that’s why I keep asking her age. 

[teachermom2834]

I feel for you. We had some ridiculous situations with teen dating when the boys got involved with the courtship model families. It hurt because my kids were really willing to be gentlemen and follow all rules that seemed reasonable (we are also a conservative family) but they could just never measure up. I knew it was for the best for it to end but it still hurt the boys.

Amd that poor girl. If she is not allowed to work because she will see your son and her family can’t figure out how to navigate that. Well that is sad for her.

But you really shouldn’t confront anyone. It won’t get you anywhere and you never know- it is entirely possible there is more to the story. Not saying there is but it is possible and no use opening that can of worms.

 

[SKL]

I know this thread isn't about teen pregnancy, but to the rabbit trail:  I know quite a few people who got pregnant as unmarried teens.  Their parents ran the gamut from "that's what girls do, get knocked up and then get hitched up" to "no you may not sit next to a boy ever."  My sister's best friend was from a very normal, loving family.  Her mom was/is the model woman honestly.  Her family was intact and all that good stuff.  She made choices behind her folks' back and became a teenage dropout mom.  Of course that was before the days of texts and text monitoring.

I think people best see, hear, and remember what supports their beliefs.  The truth is that religion doesn't make girls pregnant (nor does it prevent pregnancy).

[Guest]

To all, thanks for talking me down; I really appreciate it a ton. I am not going to insert myself. I’m just going to support my son and be eminently grateful he feels good enough about our relationship to have told me. 
 

I have to work now so I won’t be replying for a while. You’re still welcome to interject opinions but I can’t respond. I’m going to edit the OP now, but you’re welcome to continue discussing. 

[TechWife]

7 minutes ago, Quill said:

Right but they also did not give ANY opportunity to clarify issues. They had a hundred and one other choices besides going straight to locking Rapunzel in the tower. 

Honestly, unless you know this family on an intimate level, you have no way of knowing that it was a one off. For all you know, there is a history of serious behavior problems. They could be serious only within their family culture, or they could be serious in the sense that anyone would recognize it if they knew details.

in any case, I recommend you stay out of it. I think it’s great you’re hurting for your son, but at his age, I don’t think anything good can come from it. 

[Guest]

Last note: same age. 

[lauraw4321]

I think that going with an attitude of confrontation isn’t going to go well. But you could ask the mom if you could discuss what happened because you want to make sure that your son is treating young women the way they deserve to be treated.

[Janeway]

Don't bother. Move on. Also, why blame just the mom? The dad is the parent too and he likely has his opinions too. But, the girl has made no effort to reach out to him despite knowing where he lives, so let it go. Just be glad he did not marry her. 

Also, while it is an extreme extreme overreaction, we don't know from the other side what he said. And even if it were just a few cuss words, in front of the small children, he might do well to learn to not say those words. I am not saying this is not his fault. I am just saying that I see young adults lose jobs and lose being taken seriously as adult because they cannot seem to express what they are trying to say without lacing with cuss words. I am not saying this is him. I am just saying it is a problem I have seen with young adults and you don't know the point of view from the other side, as in, what they think he said.

[SKL]

The other thing you might not know is whether or not your son was already warned not to do X and he did X anyway.

Your son suspects it may be about his cussing.  To me, that means he knows he did something he shouldn't have done.

Anyhoo.  If they're both 17, and if they're destined for each other, they can find each other when they're 18.

[Grace Hopper]

27 minutes ago, Soror said:

 

I know 2 girls that ran off with boys and got pregnant as teenagers. They were both from very conservative and controlling homes. Maybe it would have happened regardless of their parenting, we only have so much control over how our kids turn out. Dd1's friend that is the most conservative is the one messing around with boys the most. 

A number of the conservative families here had been allowing their sheltered kids to go serve as teen counselors at the Christian summer youth camp. A couple of summers ago the group got busted for alcohol and pot. I asked my teen about it, especially about a couple of participants I was surprised to learn this about. The response I got: Um, mom, Susie is the one who brought the alcohol. At least one of these former teens is in rehab for ongoing substance addiction.
 

We have a lot of teens at our church and while it’s not problem free, none of the teens in my kid’s immediate circle have uber strict parents or promiscuity/substance abuse issues. So I guess I will add that, ime, these stories of “wild” youth actually come more frequently from families that kept the leash short and tight in the high school years, disproportionately enough to see a clear connection. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[maize]

I didn't see the OP.

The one thing I have to contribute based on the apparent situation of the girl's parents putting the brakes on a relationship is that it is possible it is the girl who wanted to put an end to things and the parents are the excuse. Sometimes teens have a hard time saying no on their own; I tell my kids I'm happy to be an excuse anytime.

My oldest had trouble navigating her first relationship with a guy who was way more into her than she was into him. She didn't want to lead him on, but also found it really, really difficult to get across that she just did not want a serious/ongoing relationship when she also didn't want to hurt him. Had she been a bit younger we might well have opted for "my parents said I can't see you anymore."

She ended up working things out, more or less (he's still hoping she will want a relationship in the future, and it's super unlikely); it's a messy part of young adulthood for sure.

Edited March 30, 2022 by maize

[catz]

I’d personally assume this girl was up to stuff not mentioned.  I’ve seen really restricted girls blow up a new relationship in their mind and let it take over their lives.    I wouldn’t get involved at all.   Treating an almost adult like an 8 year old rarely goes well so good luck to them with that.   It’s good it was such a short period of time.  I’ve definitely had situations like this and it sucks!   

[freesia]

Just a comment on off topic pregnancy.  I’ve known girls from all kinds of families who got pregnant. The conservative girls are more likely to have their babies which makes the pregnancy more public and known. 

[Momto6inIN]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Right but they also did not give ANY opportunity to clarify issues. They had a hundred and one other choices besides going straight to locking Rapunzel in the tower. 

Yep. But they chose that one. And we really don't know why, even if we think we have some good guesses.

FTR, I wasn't aiming my comments just at you, Quill. Lots of people in this thread are deciding these people are full on Duggar, with all the baggage that entails, just because of one incident. I just found that a little ironic 😉

I'm glad you decided not to intervene, but I'm sure your son appreciates his mama bear! 🙂