barnwife Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 Oh, OP, I am sorry it has come to this. You certainly did not come to this decision lightly. Others have given advice on practical things. I will pray for you and your family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 My prayers are with you no matter what options you must consider or how this all plays out. Get as much documentation of risk to the kids as you possibly can. 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 Hope all turns out well for you and the boys. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted January 31, 2022 Author Share Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 7 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted January 31, 2022 Author Share Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 5 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 Huge hugs Sending positive thoughts 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I’m sorry. No advise just all my wishes for wisdom and healing. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 (edited) I’m in the middle of helping a family member split with a violent, mentally ill individual. In addition to the suggestions, disconnect from eachother on SM. Disconnect credit cards where feasible, establish a separate bank account, etc. utilities on the home may need to be paused/transferred so you can sign a lease elsewhere. Edited January 31, 2022 by Sneezyone 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 (((hugs))) I am sorry you are facing such hard things and hard decisions. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 (((((((B&H))))))) I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I am praying for you and your family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm sorry. I have no advice, but am sending hugs. You've been through so much. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm sorry you are going through this and while I have no advice I am sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 1, 2022 Author Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 3 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said: 50/50 may be standard, but it's not appropriate in this situation. I am leaving to protect my kids. If my lawyer says that 50/50 is a likely outcome, I'll go back to him. I don’t recall you ever having said that your dh posed a physical danger to your children, and his mental health situation has now improved to the point where he was able to successfully confront his sister about the comment she made about your son, and he has also been involved in your discussions about choosing schools for the kids, so it might be difficult to prevent him from having some level of custody of the children. I hope I don’t sound too discouraging, but I’m trying to be realistic. I really doubt you will get full custody, especially because your dh’s family has been so involved with the kids all along, and they will probably be more than willing to offer to supervise visitation if the judge has any qualms about your dh’s ability to parent the children. I don’t know what the story is with your dh and the kids, but I do know that plenty of truly terrible parents are allowed to share custody or have regular overnight visitation with their children. 😞 11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 1, 2022 Author Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa Louise Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Yes, please don't trust either Family Court or anyone else to put the kids' wellbeing front and centre re custody. I think I'd be getting the best lawyer I could afford. 11 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said: I am at his sister’s but my thought is that the kids and I will move into the home we own. Maybe this weekend, and he will stay with his Dad. I can’t see how the that would be considered abandonment. Sounds like a good plan. I hope this will bring about necessary changes in your relationship, whichever way it goes. You’ve been extending yourself for a long time. The breathing room may be really helpful. Edited February 1, 2022 by Grace Hopper 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 9 hours ago, catz said: Custody concerns are totally understandable given the situation and history. This would be the time to a big data dump on the issues he has had lately. Maybe sit down with a calendar and document thoroughly how the last couple years has looked for you. I agree that talking to a lawyer would be helpful on this if you are ready to talk about the whole situation and will give you some good solid next steps. Get any available medical records of his that you are entitled to. It may support your case but if you’re on his hipaa paperwork he may revoke that to protect himself. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Contact every agency that is supposed to offer support, because paper trail is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 1, 2022 Author Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 32 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Know that psychiatric evaluations with re: to custody are a thing. If you go through child custody evaluations, have your attorney review the actual process carefully. Typically the evaluator is court appointed, but a good divorce attorney likely has already dealt with the evaluator before on previous cases, knows the local lay of the land, can make sure that the evaluation process is fair, and can argue well if opposing party wants the evaluation thrown out because it makes opposing party look bad. 7 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 25 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said: I have protected my DH’s privacy and will continue to. There are lots of people who are capable of yelling at their sister and not of parenting. You seem to be getting offended, but I haven’t asked you for details about why you think your dh isn’t capable of parenting. I was just pointing out that the court may see that he was released from the hospital and that his mental health condition seems to have improved, so your request for full custody may very well be denied. The court’s idea of “capable of parenting” may be quite different from your feelings about it. And your dh’s strong family connections with close relatives who are already actively involved with your kids may work in your dh’s favor I’m very encouraged to hear that you think you have found an excellent divorce attorney. He or she should be able to give you the best chance at the outcome you’re hoping for. Sending lots of hugs and encouragement! 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceilingfan Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 You're not looking at 50/50. There will probably be psych evals required on both sides. I'm glad you have a good lawyer, that will help. There will almost certainly be a GAL; having a lot of professionals involved is going to help, and will be a good thing. 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 I also believe that courts take teen’s preferences about custody into account. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 39 minutes ago, Catwoman said: You seem to be getting offended, but I haven’t asked you for details about why you think your dh isn’t capable of parenting. I was just pointing out that the court may see that he was released from the hospital and that his mental health condition seems to have improved, so your request for full custody may very well be denied. The court’s idea of “capable of parenting” may be quite different from your feelings about it. And your dh’s strong family connections with close relatives who are already actively involved with your kids may work in your dh’s favor I’m very encouraged to hear that you think you have found an excellent divorce attorney. He or she should be able to give you the best chance at the outcome you’re hoping for. Sending lots of hugs and encouragement! This. This is a very real danger. Family court is extremely favorable to shared custody generally, to a fault really. 6 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 3 minutes ago, freesia said: I also believe that courts take teen’s preferences about custody into account. Only in some states. My dd had a high school friend who didn't want to visit her father, but was required to. She was 17 at the time. B and H, I'm sorry this is yet another layer you need to deal with. I've not been on the adult side of parenting, but was a teen when my parents divorced. All my thoughts are with you and your boys. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 So sorry. No advice. Just hugs and prayers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristin0713 Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 I don’t have advice, I just wanted to offer support. Hoping for a safe and healthy outcome for you and the kids. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Sending you so much love and support! I am about 4 months out from making a similar decision - different circumstances, of course, but I understand the emotions surrounding those decisions and the aftermath. My two pieces of advice are to get the best possible lawyer on board immediately, and to start keeping a journal. Write down your interactions, your emotions, your conversations, and feelings. You will begin to see patterns and be reminded of the reasons that led you to make this decision. You may get pressure to change your mind or do something differently, but rereading your journal will help you stay connected to who you are at your core and what you know is the right thing to do. 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 @Baseballandhockey I'm so sorry this is something you are having to navigate. I truly hope that the outcome is the best for you and your boys. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best 🌻 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 Sending you best wishes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 13 hours ago, Tree Frog said: Only in some states. My dd had a high school friend who didn't want to visit her father, but was required to. She was 17 at the time. B and H, I'm sorry this is yet another layer you need to deal with. I've not been on the adult side of parenting, but was a teen when my parents divorced. All my thoughts are with you and your boys. I hear this all of the time. Visitation is different than custody. A 17 will be allowed to express which home they want to live in. But they are still required to go for visitation to the other parent. ( Of course enforcing that is another story) 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 23 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I hear this all of the time. Visitation is different than custody. A 17 will be allowed to express which home they want to live in. But they are still required to go for visitation to the other parent. ( Of course enforcing that is another story) That makes sense. Thanks for pointing that out. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 The only advice I have in these situations is demonstrated by the character Mike Ehermantraut in Better Call Saul when being questioned by the police: Cop: "Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Blah?....Blah Blah Blah? " Mike Ehermantraut: " Lawyer." Cop: "Blah Blah Blah....Blah. Blah Blah Blah..... Blah Blah Blah Blah?.... Blah Blah. Blah? Mike Ehermantraut: " Lawyer." Cop: "Blah Blah Blah.....Blah Blah Blah.......Blah?" Mike Ehermantraut: " Lawyer." It seems you have that one under control. I'm wishing you all the best and praying that the judge and your kids see the situation for what it really is and support your decision. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltopmom Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 (((Hugs))) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 (edited) I haven't read all the replies and, offhand, I don't remember how old your dc are. Agree with getting a good lawyer first. Document everything. Second, in my county, all divorcing parents had to attend a court-ordered parenting class. Not a big deal but just fyi. Third, courts here tell you to use mediation vs. going to court. One of my dc was over 18 so that child did not figure into any custody issues. My other dc was a teen (15/almost 16yo) & while we did have to hammer out a legal agreement (dc lived primarily with me but xdh had access) re: which weekends & holidays were to be spent with the dad, we put in wording that it was up to dad & dc to determine times to get together that worked for them (but if that time wasn't satisfactory enough to the xdh, then the weekend/holiday agreement would go into effect). That may not work in your case, but I am just putting options out there to ponder. That way, if xdh & dc decided they wanted to grab dinner & a movie on a weeknight, they could arrange it and go, special permission wasn't needed ahead of time from me, they didn't have to wait until xdh's official weekend time, etc. That freedom was helpful, imo, in that it made xdh more amenable to the fact that dc didn't want to trek between 2 houses to spend the night (although legally xdh could have insisted). The flexibility worked, esp. since it was just a few years until dc turned 18 & was no longer bound by the agreement. Last, in the paperwork, while it stated that we were supposed to work together to determine things for the dc, you had to name one parent as the ultimate one who got to make the decision if you disagreed. The categories were: medical, educational, religious, extracurricular, and one other one that I am blanking on right now (maybe travel?). Be thinking which categories are hard & fast for you & which are negotiable. Edited February 1, 2022 by Stacia 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 2 37 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 5 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said: Our state has the same thing, but there's also an option for sole custody where the custodial parent makes all decisions. I had sole custody. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 May clear thinking prevail all around. Hugs to you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceilingfan Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 I'm glad you have local family support and also the support of so many professionals involved. It's really a lot better than trying to navigate it alone, in the dark. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 You can always pretend the long term plan is staying in your house and find different housing later. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barnwife Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 It's okay to not know the details of a long-term plan right now. I think this sounds like a good time for baby steps. Focus on what's best for you and your kids right now/in the short term. (Note: I am not saying to completely disregard your DH's needs.) As you figure out what the short-term looks like, the long-term will probably come into more focus. I will continue to pray for you. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceilingfan Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 Having a job and a house (or in my case, supportive family with space to house us while I figured out what to do) is pretty incredible. I found the whole process very difficult, life-changingly so, and I still cannot imagine how women without money, reliable income, and immediate stable housing ever manage to leave. I never cared much about women's shelters before I left, and when I did, I realized very suddenly how much they're doing God's work. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 On the plus side, living just a few blocks from dh might be good for the kids- if things do get to the point where they want to see him, you’d be nearby. And since it’s your old house, the kids won’t feel as uprooted as they might feel if you took them to an entirely new place. I know there are downsides to everything I mentioned, but try to look at the positives. You’re probably not feeling a lot of ‘on the bright side’ stuff right now, so any little thing that’s positive might help. Hugs. This is hard. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted February 2, 2022 Share Posted February 2, 2022 I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and that he hasn’t yet learned healthy ways to approach life and relationships. Praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drama Llama Posted February 2, 2022 Author Share Posted February 2, 2022 (edited) . Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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