Thanks!

[Drama Llama]

 

 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[saraha]

(((((( @Baseballandhockey)))))

[YaelAldrich]

Oh darling! I'm praying for you to have discernment and wisdom and most of all support through this time.

[Ali in OR]

Hugs to you. I know it's been rough. Sorry I can't be any help with advice.

[Scarlett]

Oh man.  I am so sorry it came to this.  

Do you have a place to stay?

[Spryte]

Sending hugs. Many hugs.

[Wheres Toto]

I'm sorry.    Advice is hard to give because there are vast differences in the way things work in different states but making sure you have any important documents, statements from any bank accounts is pretty key.    This wasn't an issue in my divorce, but I've seen people mention not to leave your home because it could be considered abandonment or leaving them the property.

((Hugs)))

[Drama Llama]

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Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[catz]

Oh BandH, I’m so sorry but I hope you find your next steps quickly and you have some peace on your journey.  
 

I would lawyer up and protect your assets.  Did you move out?  Do you have someplace safe to stay?  
 

Please vent all you need to. Sending hugs. 💕❤️
 

[saraha]

I’m so sorry. You have tried so hard to make it work.

[itsheresomewhere]

The best advice I can give you from others I know in your position-  take time to let yourself feel.  It is ok to do this.  Take time to take care of yourself.  And it is ok to have takeout. You don’t need to be Superman always.  
 

My friend had kids your kids ages.  They all needed a bit of decompressing from what happened.  So they planned together an us day.  It was a day of sitting in the couch watching movies, letting her kids do the talking ( she says she really got to know/hear what her kids thought so much better doing this), and just relaxing.  

[Kassia]

No advice, just sending hugs and letting you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you and the kids all the best.  I'm sorry you've been through so much.  

[Insertcreativenamehere]

No advice but I wish you peace and strength through this. 

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I am at his sister’s but my thought is that the kids and I will move into the home we own.  Maybe this weekend, and he will stay with his Dad.  

Well that is good. Glad you have a place to be.

[Soror]

(hugs) I hope those that have been through  this before can help you with some good advice.

[JustEm]

Sending hugs. No real advice.

[Drama Llama]

.

 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[mommyoffive]

I would contact a lawyer ASAP as I think they will be able to lead you through what steps you should be taking. 

I am sending lots of hugs.

[catz]

Custody concerns are totally understandable given the situation and history.  This would be the time to a big data dump on the issues he has had lately.  Maybe sit down with a calendar and document thoroughly how the last couple years has looked for you.  I agree that talking to a lawyer would be helpful on this if you are ready to talk about the whole situation and will give you some good solid next steps.  

[Katy]

Hugs. 

[Ceilingfan]

I didn't call a lawyer for several days, and relied instead on legal advice from internet forums and law blogs. Wow did I have to explain the decisions I made as a result of that later in court. A nightmare.

I went to my mom's, but I didn't call my in-laws right away, although I knew they would help. I didn't want to hurt my husband's feelings, and I felt ashamed of asking for help. I should have called right away.

I didn't change his access to my bank account or my business (which was my sole method of support).

I took some of the kids back to visit and left them (because of the advice from aforementioned blogs); I thought I could be arrested for kidnapping if I didn't, although I was also afraid it wasn't safe. 

I left my vital documents (and the kids' documents), even when I went back under the order of protection, with police there, to get the kids. I thought I could just get them later; he'd hidden them and the police said not to worry about it. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but annoying.

 

[fairfarmhand]

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and prayers for clarity of mind and purpose. 

[Ceilingfan]

Custody will work itself out through the courts. Talk to a lawyer yesterday. You do not have to leave the kids with him alone now if you feel they are unsafe, and the courts (and your lawyer) will help determine what a safe level of visitation or custody is. Keep a journal of the decisions you make regarding custody/contact day-to-day and why. Seriously do this last thing, it is helpful later.

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[Dianthus]

That's so sad. I had thought he was doing better. I'm sorry.

[Ceilingfan]

Your lawyer will advise you on this more specifically regarding your state and your situation, etc., but ime courts like to see that you are trying to encourage and facilitate all the contact you can safely provide. If there is someone who can safely supervise visitation with the kids while you are separated, that is good, do that. If there isn't (I didn't have anyone), look for an outside provider and offer him (in writing, email is fine) the opportunity to use the outside provider for visitation. If there are concerns of mental health issues impacting the safety of even supervised visitation, look for therapeutic supervised visitation, where a licensed counselor supervises it (and thus can catch and redirect harmful things that are said, note the dynamics, etc.). Even if you think he'll refuse it, offer it. If you can supervise phone calls (if you think they're not safe for the kids without supervision), or can have a family member supervise them, do that. 

Stay in therapy yourself if it is at all possible.

Get a good lawyer. You don't need a shark, but you need someone who will communicate regularly, is experienced in the local courts, and hopefully has at least some experience dealing with divorces that have mental health issues and abuse factors. 

[Ailaena]

I’m so sorry it came to this.  My only advice is to remind yourself that it is normal to mourn the loss of a relationship, even if you’re in a better place now ❤️

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited February 6, 2022 by Baseballandhockey

[Toocrazy!!]

I’m so sorry. Hugs to you and your kids. 

[fairfarmhand]

9 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

He is doing better, he’s not being a better father or husband, but he is less ill.  

Mental illness sucks. I have watched it in my own family. 

[kbutton]

I am so sorry. Hugs and prayer that you will find good resources and know what next steps to take.

[LifeLovePassion]

I'm sorry. Echoing everyone else. Glad you have an attorney meeting set up. Here to support you. 

[elegantlion]

I am sorry. When I opted to divorce my ex, I spent the first few days just sitting in the numbness, then I started documenting events and interactions that might have been relevant in court. He left with a huge financial mess, so I spent time trying to figure out what he lied about and what had pressing due dates. I also called and cried with my parents. 

I didn't consult with a lawyer right away as my situation was a bit different, but yes, talking with a lawyer is a great first step. 

[TexasProud]

So sorry. Will be praying! No advice. Just hugs.

[DreamerGirl]

No advice, sending lots and lots of hugs and wishes for strength and wisdom.

 

[Scarlett]

Maybe he will cooperate with a custody agreement that makes you feel safe.  

[Carol in Cal.]

Think about what you think his family will do.  Are they going to all line up with him?  Will they volunteer to supervise visits but then not actually do it but seem like they are to the courts?  Will nutsy SIL’s allegations of weirdness to one of your children blow up into something that will muddy the custodial waters?   Bottom line—if it comes down to this, will they choose him over you?  Because given the history of actually living with them, that might be a problem.  Be sure you discuss this in detail with the lawyer and ask for advice.  He might say to move back in and split differently.  If so, don’t rule it out; ask him why and plan strategically.

[Sneezyone]

1) attorney, which you’ve done

2) grief, allow time for that

3) amass documents, texts, anything and everything you recorded about events through the years.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Sneezyone

[ktgrok]

Immediate issues are

1. having a safe place to live and think and figure things out, away from the spouse. 

2. Coming up with what to say to the kids that is enough info but not more than they need

3. Finding a safe person to talk to and vent and cry to if need be - friend, therapist, family, whatever. 

4. Contacting a lawyer for advice

5. Securing finances. 

When I did this, for some similar reasons I think - mental health related where my spouse just couldn't function as a partner or parent - it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, bar none. That first bit of time was terrible, I won't lie. But...it was the best thing I did, and it was best for me AND my spouse and my kids long term. It DID get better. It WILL get better. But sometimes taking out the relationship issues is what is needed to each focus on their own lives and moving forward. That's ok. 

I know you are in counseling, please continue. I had a very hard time with leaving my spouse who was "sick"....it felt wrong, but wrong or right I had to accept and remind myself that it was NECESSARY.  I could not save him, and instead all that was happening was he was taking me down with him. My kid needed better than that. I couldn't let him have TWO parents not able to function properly. And also, it was changing me into a bitter, angry person and my kid didn't deserve that as his mother. I wasn't taking it out ON my kid mind you, but I was his role model, and needed to be the kind of person I wanted him to be. 

Also, my kid needed more stability than he got from his father. I didn't want him growing up with that in his face all the time. And my ex was a MUCH better part time parent than full time. Especially because he lived with his mom and dad after the break up - so they were there to provide support. Similar to your situation. And my ex could gather up the mental spoons most of the time to be a decent parent (not great, but not call CPS neglect level) for 24 hours at a time or so, with his parents helping. He could NOT do that full time day in and day out, so kid was being emotionally neglected on the regular. That took a tolll. 

Watching my kid cry for his father that first night apart was the worst night of my whole life. 

But seeing my kid blossom when not dealing with that daily stress and neglect later on made it worth it. 

Divorce is an amputation, not the breaking of a contract. It will always leave a scar, but sometimes that is the only way to survive. Hugs. PM me if you need to. BTDT with divorce, annulment, mental illness, etc. 

[AroundtheCorner]

I have no helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry. You have been through so much. (((((Hugs))))))

[Catwoman]

I'm very sorry this is happening, but I'm glad you have an appointment with a lawyer. That's the most important thing at this time. You need to know what your rights are, and you need to know what you should be doing, and what you can reasonably expect to happen.

How is your dh's family reacting to this? You have been so close to them, that I hope they aren't viewing this as a betrayal.

[Noreen Claire]

I left my first husband 25 years ago, so my memories of that time are *very* fuzzy. What I do remember clearly is that I realized after the (relatively simple) divorce that there were things I should have asked to be included, but didn't. If I could go back, I would have kept a running list, for whenever a thought or question came up for the lawyer, so I wouldn't forget. I was under so much stress, and so overcome with emotions, that a list would have helped immensely.

Also, I would second  counseling/therapy/whatever. I crawled into a bottle for several months after my separation, and I made some terrible decisions during that time. Therapy probably could have helped, but I was young (early 20s) and stupid.

Many, many hugs to you and your boys.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Noreen Claire

[City Mouse]

I don’t have any advice to add, but I am so sorry that things have come to this for you. 

[Faith-manor]

So very many hugs from me to you! I have no great wisdom to share except get a good lawyer, and give yourself and your kids a LOT of grace.

[Innisfree]

I'm so very sorry. Sending lots of hugs and holding you in my thoughts.

[MercyA]

I am so sorry.  and prayers. We are here for you.

[Frances]

I’m so sorry. Your family has been through so, so much over the last several years. I’ve greatly admired from afar how you have lovingly navigated some of the worst of what life can throw at us. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[lauraw4321]

Just prayers, love and support to you.

[QueenCat]

3 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

My biggest concern isn’t the assets it’s custody.  

 

Custody is generally straightforward these days. 50/50 is becoming the standard. Unless abuse or something like active addiction is proven. I'm glad that you've mentioned that your dh is improving mentally. That will be good for the kids, as they will need both of you in coming days. 

That said, focus on the logistics and being there for your kids. Don't share with his family. Try really hard to not talk negatively about him to your kids. Even if you find out he's doing it about you.

Many hugs to you. 

[mominco]

(((hugs))) so sorry it came to this.