.

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, TechWife said:

“kinda” - so no, you weren’t joking - you thought your idea was valid. 

IMO & IME joking about using kids isn’t a thing. It’s horrible. 

ok

[JustEm]

11 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

I'll be honest, I'm on the side of any kid who decides to do that for their own reasons.

However, I do not think it is ever appropriate for a caregiver or guardian to suggest to a child, even as a joke, as a way of evading a different caregiver or guardian. For one parent to suggest it because the other parent is being unreasonable is... no.

You do not put a child in the position of having to take sides, even as a joke. If the other parent does it, that's all the more reason for YOU not to do it.

It's not a funny joke.

I *assume* you only meant it to circulate among us here, and not for the kids to see it, but even then... it's just not a funny joke.

of course.  and I find it funny but that is the thing about jokes, not everyone will like them all.

[Ceilingfan]

And the situations are probably profoundly different, so an attorney consultation is a fantastic idea. There was physical, verbal, psychological, etc. abuse, but my spouse hadn't been hospitalized; it was also a profoundly conservative rural court.

But I get where you're coming from; I made these compromises for a dozen years. It always worked temporarily and never worked for long. It's very hard, esp. when you are divorce-averse, to know when to die on the hill, because it becomes unpredictable instead of predictable. On the other side of the unpredictability is great, massive, relief and predictability (either you've won the consent to make these decisions in the marriage or a court tells you you have custody or intractable disagreements are decided by a more-rational-than-ill-person judge), but deciding when it's time to take the stand is hard.

[Murphy101]

Wait. If the Catholic school is otherwise acceptable to you and it would be the easiest thing for YOU?  Hands down the Catholic school.  I did not pick up that information previously.  What is easiest for YOU is a no small factor in what will be the most stable and least stressful for the kids.  A fried mama is not best for anyone. 

[Katy]

nm

Edited December 17, 2021 by Katy

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

When I said things like that he said “I disagree” and “this is important to me” and “you promised” and “I am not leaving my kid at that . . . School” and “we agreed to raise Catholic kids” and “I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them” and “they are my kids too you don’t get to decide all by yourself”.

 

This seems to be a big trigger for you. Him saying this….well, I imagine it may be guilt inducing. 
 

I was raised Catholic and did not have to attend Catholic school for that to happen. 
 

His thinking that this will all be behind them by fall clearly indicates that he is unaware of the deep impact of his parenting failure (or fails to acknowledge it), and is placing his desires over the kids’ actual best interest. He’s not yet ready to fully co-parent.

I’m having a hard time figuring out what you actually want an answer/opinion about. You say you’ve already figured out what’s best, and told him. What more is there to it? Other than maybe feeling guilty or sad that it must be this way?

(Forgive the curtness of my words - tone is hard in cyberspace. I have read a lot of words in this thread but so far I don’t understand what sort of response you’re actually seeking.)

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Moonhawk]

Re: wanting to communicate to him that you should have the ability to make this decision solo because you are the functional parent right now.

I wasn't getting into this thread because while I have experience with co-parenting with a partner who has mental illness, the circumstances are completely different (and the fallout). But, this objective that you have, I can empathize with completely. IDK if I have any actually good ways to do it, but it's a valid emotion to have. You don't have to apologize for recognizing this is the reality of the situation now, and that you may have emotions around this topic.

In the end, you are going to be the parent holding the bag. We need to make sure the bag is not too heavy. The potential that he can help carry the bag in 6-9 months is nice, but it is not guaranteed and the family cannot make decisions based on that potential. 

You are not making this decision by yourself, but a decision has to be made, and in this case you are the one who is going to be directly impacted (out of the two of you). So, in this kingdom of equals, you get the lion's share of the responsibility on this topic and therefore the lion's share of the decision. 

The hard part with co-parenting with mental illness: they don't always accept this and there's no way to really make them. Sometimes the best you can hope for is grudging going along with it (and complaints) and that eventually it dies out. I usually budge on smaller hills* to show I am not trying to take over everything, and that their opinion is valued [caution: doing this on meals and too-small things can be taken as patronizing and backfire]. 

But repeating, "I know, and I agree with a lot of what you're saying, we just need to do what's best for us and Kid for right now. It's not forever." over and over and over whenever it comes up can make it better. Even if he doesn't believe this is what's best for kid, just keep saying it is (I mean, obviously, if you believe it is). 

Just check in with yourself every so often: IS this what's best for kid, or am I getting invested in being right, too? Mental illness is really really hard to live with and making sure you aren't falling into a pattern of me vs him is super important. Because after someone is continually trying to frame it that way when it's not true, it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you want to avoid that as much as possible. Just as you are consciously trying to convince him that you are working together to do the right thing for the kid, his mental illness is tricking him to thinking otherwise and subtly will be trying to trick you too, for lack of a better way to put it. 

*If the difference to the kid is like a 5% difference, it's a hill to budge on. There will be bigger hills. I'd say anything bigger than 20-25% difference to kid is where I'd draw my line. 15% is a grey area where I'd try to even out the hills somehow by making the other hill a sweeter deal, or maybe decide it's worth the fight and sweeten my own hill instead.

----

In our case, it did get better. DH is a mostly contributing member of the family now. We're maybe a 35-65 split (me at 65) but we are on the upward trajectory. It did take 3-4 years to get to this point. But, he also relinquished willingly most decision-making to me fairly early on, which is what made it doable from my position to cope.

[Corraleno]

I would tell him flat out that no, this will not "all be behind them by next fall," they have been seriously traumatized by the events of the last couple of years, and they need more time to heal and recover from that. And while they are healing, the best thing for them is to not disrupt the one area of their lives that is reasonably stable right now. He needs to stop pretending that just because he's out of the hospital, everything is back to normal. It's not, and it won't be for a while, and the sooner he acknowledges that the easier it will be for the whole family to move forward — at a pace that works for everyone, not just him.

ETA: I think there is a very real danger that if you give in to his demands on this, he will take it as tacit confirmation that everything will be totally normal by fall, and any conflicts or problems that still exist at that point — in your marriage or in his relationship with the kids — are your own fault because obviously you and the kids should have been able to put all that behind you, why are you still bringing this stuff up? It's over, move on, everything's fine now.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Corraleno

[Ceilingfan]

If he will not agree to keeping the kid in his current school (I can't believe you both have to sign!), your choices are to give in or consult an attorney. A local attorney will know a lot more about your options regarding getting decision making power in the short term. Given the recent hospitalization it's probably possible, but only a local attorney will know.

Choosing one of these options is very difficult, but unavoidable if he is unconvinceable. I'd consult an attorney just to know what the process might entail and what an expected outcome might be. More information is good.

[katilac]

6 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

He doesn't have the capacity, at least not right now.  Saying that to him isn't any different than if I said to a DH who uses a wheelchair "well if you want a say you need to express that in a meeting on the third floor of this building without an elevator".  

It's quite different, because that's an artificial construct that would never occur. Being in a wheelchair does not affect a parent's capacity to have a say in this type of decision. This particular confluence of events does affect your dh's capacity to have equal say in this decision. It's unfortunate, but it does. If he doesn't have the capacity to do the research and ask the questions and so forth, then he can't make an informed decision.

A more apt analogy would be a spouse in a wheelchair and completely unable to swim, who wants to be the lifeguard while the kids are in the pool. They simply cannot do it. That's not right or wrong, or fair or unfair, it simply is. 

4 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

The boldest would make this a done deal for me. Catholic schools it is then.  This aspect will carry him through so much for the years to come.  This being the case, the faith and the faith community may be a tremendous long term source of stability for the children. And starting the transposition in 7th grade is often excellent timing for further building that support.

They can have faith and a faith community without going to Catholic school. 

I don't have the concerns others have about starting before high school, either. Except for tiny K-12 schools, high schools are combining kids from a variety of middle and junior high schools, tons of students are meeting for the first time. I went out of district for high school, so my middle school wasn't even one of the several feeder schools, and it was no big deal at all. 

This is just as true for Catholic schools as any other. Lots of younger kids will default to the local parochial school, and acceptance is pretty straightforward. High schools will have a wider geography, and specific entrance requirements, including test scores. It's definitely not a given that your junior high mates will go to the same high school. 

3 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I would be looking at what gives the best long term stability. In other words if the kid is just going to need to switch schools in a year anyways, might as well do it now.  

I don't agree with this, because I think he needs stability now, and I don't think any of them have any idea what might be going on in a year.  

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

When I said things like that he said “I disagree” and “this is important to me” and “you promised” and “I am not leaving my kid at that . . . School” and “we agreed to raise Catholic kids” and “I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them” and “they are my kids too you don’t get to decide all by yourself”.

Acknowledge that it's important to him. Remind him that no one could have anticipated what's happened the last few years, and that his kids can be Catholic without going to Catholic school (just as going to Catholic school is no guarantee that they will choose to remain Catholic). 

I'm sorry that you feel like I'm deciding by myself, but I am not willing to change their schools for the coming year. (then, if it seems needed) If you bring me new information, I will listen, but I am not sending them to Catholic school just because we thought it was a good idea many years ago. 

There is zero chance that I would be researching schools and setting up testing and applications. I would not do it for the older kid to have 'options' if he knows where he wants to go to school. That is an incredible amount of pressure to put on him (to make a decision that will make dad happy and not make him upset). He doesn't need that kind of uncertainty, and the deadlines for making a decision are very, very close. That sounds incredibly stressful to me. 

You ARE the primary parent right now. The fact that your dh thinks this will be behind them by fall is proof positive that he is not thinking clearly. You have to make this decision. The decision might upset dh, but that's the least of your worries right now. 

If you don't want to discuss it in your therapy or his, then I'd just quit discussing it. Sometimes partners absolutely disagree, and there is no compromise to be had. Someone has to be the decider, and it makes no sense for it to be him in this situation. Just state your decision, and his response is what it is. 

[2squared]

31 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

We would both need to register him.  I can't register him for next year without his Dad's permission.  It's not like I can just say "Oh we aren't doing that".  Legally he has as many rights as I do.  

So, people are trying to convince me that the school is best.  I already know that.  But talking to him isn't going to change his mind right now.  So, I'm asking what to do, not to be convinced that I should do something. I'm asking what something is. 

Do you really need to both register your kids? I fill out my kids’ school stuff every year without dh’s assistance. If the kids continue in their current school, we don’t re-register them for the following year. I only have to register them when they switch schools. 

He may have as many legal rights as you, but no one in the legal system would force a change in schools, absent significant issues. The legal system would continue with the current school system by default. 

And…if you have the same legal rights…you don’t have to agree to register them in a different school either. 

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Terabith]

I wonder if now that they’ve been enrolled if the school would demand signatures from both of you to re-enroll?  Or if, knowing the circumstances, that they would make an exception?

[Katy]

nm

Edited December 17, 2021 by Katy

[Moonhawk]

Re: wanting to communicate to him that you should have the ability to make this decision solo because you are the functional parent right now.

So my first post was actually supposed to have helpful ideas but instead I just blathered about stuff too long and lost my point. It's been too long now to edit.

These are the options I see in your situation. I'm leaving out a few I originally typed out because you want constructive, work-with-my-co-parent options first, not the dangerous tactics; even still these are not all great. These are more provocative thoughts, that hopefully gives your brain new fodder to work with. There is no perfect answer to this because it is an imperfect situation to be in (to say the least).

• usually just saying "because you're mentally unwell, that's why" doesn't work, but you can try to do it nicely. *I have not found a nice way to do this. Compassionate, yes, nice, no. 
• tell him he needs to focus on himself, and that you are focusing on the kids, and so you are the one to make the decision for their interests.
• you can try explaining that you are temporarily helping out on his side of responsibilities, but you can only do that if he helps you out by letting you do it.
• you can lay out all of the extra responsibilities you are having to deal with right now and say that this gives you full power. *ruthless and usually regretted later, also normally does not work.
• you can try telling him that he is an equal decision maker but the burden is unequally on you, and that needs to be taken into account, and the way to do it is by allowing you final say in a stalemate. <-- highest percentage positive outcome in my own situation, not without issues though.
• you can try telling him it simply is not possible to do what he wants, because it would break you, it's just not an option.  <-- my big guns. gets what I want but the collateral damage is not fun so I don't use unless I'm in dire straits.
• you can ask him how he expects to get them ready, tested, registered, and everything, since you will not do this thing that is against kid's interests. ask him if he is willing to do this *warning, backfire can be spectacular.
• you can "compromise" and if he goes with you on this, agree now to go with his later decision (ie Catholic high school) no matter what. *may regret later.
• you can ask him to please make this sacrifice for your mental well being. *very dangerous tactic, overall do not recommend.

Other random thoughts:

• ask him what would make the secular school more acceptable to him. Bible study as a family at night? Volunteering at the church? Daily mass? Not saying that his "more acceptable" ideas will be doable, but maybe focusing on addressing his Catholic-based concern could make the pill easier for him to swallow.
• If he were mentally well I would normally ask what his biggest fear about the secular school is. That may not be a good question in your current situation. But maybe if he can put this into words, you can reassure him about that [probably irrational] fear.
• Ask to table this discussion until (eg) January 15th  so you can focus as a family on bigger more important things (Christmas, vacation, reintegrating, etc). I know you have deadlines that need to be met re: testing, applying, etc., but push it until ~1 week before actual action needs to happen. (And I wouldn't worry about test prep as "action" because if your son is liking the more rigorous classes now, the test probably won't be a big deal.) A lot can change in that amount of time, he may not feel like he needs to take as strong a stand on this issue anymore if enough time goes by and he feels more integrated/respected in the family. I don't like kicking the can down the road, but maybe it can help in this case.

I don't know if any of this will help, but maybe it will trigger something else in your brain. Even a strong "no that won't work" is sometimes the clue we need to what will.

[Catwoman]

Just a question for @Baseballandhockey-- I just noticed that you changed your title to "I really wish the moderators here let people leave," and I'm wondering why you did that. It seems awfully dramatic, and I don't see anything in this thread that would make you want to threaten to leave the forum.

Also, you said "so I can get warned because I am making things worse by posting," and I don't understand what you could possibly be making worse, and why you would be warned by the moderators. (I'm not asking for an explanation -- it's none of my business, and it's probably against forum rules to ask, anyway! I'm just worried about you because you seemed fine and were posting as usual in this thread, and then you suddenly changed the thread title and you seem very upset.)

I'm confused. You seem like such a nice person, but this isn't the first time you've gotten upset like this, and I'm concerned. 

I'm sorry you're going through a very tough time, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why you suddenly seem upset with the moderators.  😞 

I hope things start to improve very soon for you and your family.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Catwoman

[Shoeless]

Hon, you really need to work through this with your therapist and then consult a lawyer. You are going through something bigger than what a homeschool board can help with.

Everyone here wants good things for you and your family. I hope you can see that. 

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Slache]

(((Big hugs)))

[Terabith]

Nobody thinks you are a terrible parent, for any reason.  And certainly not because you had other things to discuss in a first meeting with a therapist.  

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I am going to quit therapy today was my first day and it obviously triggered me.  Plus apparently the fact that I needed to talk about other things for just one day makes me a terrible parent.

When I am triggered I get really lonely and I feel trapped and I post stuff I know is bad to post but then I can’t get rid of it.  So I begged to have my account deleted and they refused.

I don't think you need to worry about what you posted, and I really hope you won't quit therapy, because it sounds like you really need someone to talk to in real life. 

No one has said that you are a bad parent. I think you should take a little time to get some rest and try to relax a little, and then maybe go back and re-read the posts in this thread. I think you will find that everyone was trying to be supportive of you, and that we were all trying to help.

Obviously, if anything we post isn't helpful to you, it's absolutely fine to ignore us and do whatever you think is best! 

Sending lots of hugs.

 

[Ceilingfan]

Yeah, I've been in therapy for years, and maybe 10 percent of it is parenting questions. I dropped a therapist because they were so focused on my needing to deal with stuff regarding my ex instead of my own stuff. Therapy is a lifeline and it is by definition your time, please don't quit. It is hard work. It's one hour a week for you, not too much to ask and no reason to use it for anything you don't want to use it for, especially right at first.

Please don't quit.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

Nobody thinks you are a terrible parent, for any reason.  And certainly not because you had other things to discuss in a first meeting with a therapist.  

I didn't realize that today was the first day of therapy. I must have missed it earlier in the thread or something. My assumption was that she had been in therapy for a while. I'm sorry if I missed that information. If someone could point me to where that was mentioned, I would really appreciate it, because I may have missed other details as well.

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

@Baseballandhockey You are an incredible person, a truly amazing mum, and a loyal and supportive wife.  You have been dealing with more trauma and stress than anyone should have to deal with. I'm sending you my love, and wishing you all the best 🌻

[itsheresomewhere]

3 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I didn't realize that today was the first day of therapy. I must have missed it earlier in the thread or something. My assumption was that she had been in therapy for a while. I'm sorry if I missed that information. If someone could point me to where that was mentioned, I would really appreciate it, because I may have missed other details as well.

 

Me too.  Other threads when asked seemed to have said she was in therapy.

 

No therapist can help you instantly.  Therapy is hard work.  Stick with it. And sometimes you have to interview/ try a few to find a therapist that fits you.  
 

Do you have the password saved for this account? Take it out and that might help or change it to something you won’t remember past now.  Then log out.  So that when you are in a better place you can come back. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by itsheresomewhere

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, itsheresomewhere said:

Me too.  Other threads when asked seemed to have said she was in therapy.

 

No therapist can help you instantly.  Therapy is hard work.  Stick with it.  

I thought she had said she was in therapy in other threads, as well. I'm so glad I'm not the only one! 

[Shoeless]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I thought she had said she was in therapy in other threads, as well. I'm so glad I'm not the only one! 

I was under the same impression.

op, no one thinks you are a bad parent. No one has said that.

Talk about whatever you want in therapy. I said you should discuss this because it's a big deal that is obviously troubling you and causing you massive stress that we cannot alleviate for you.

But if you need to say that you are frustrated or scared or overwhelmed or lonely, I think everyone here is capable of being there for you. 

[Melissa Louise]

Please don't quit therapy! 

We all want things to be ok for you. 

I second the 'change your password' technique. Change it to something you won't remember, then log out. Makes it way easier to take a posting break. 

Take care. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, MissLemon said:

I was under the same impression.

op, no one thinks you are a bad parent. No one has said that.

Talk about whatever you want in therapy. I said you should discuss this because it's a big deal that is obviously troubling you and causing you massive stress that we cannot alleviate for you.

But if you need to say that you are frustrated or scared or overwhelmed or lonely, I think everyone here is capable of being there for you. 

Thanks!

I agree that therapy is important, and if she's not clicking with this one, she should find another one she's more comfortable with. We can try to help and we can certainly be a sounding board for her, but we can't really replace one-on-one meetings with a trained professional.

[katilac]

I've never seen a school application that requires the signature of both parents. The information, yes, but there is only one signature line for parent/guardian. 

I'm not saying they don't exist, but, if you check, I'll bet you find the application only requires one parental signature. If that's not so in your area, then the converse of what you said is also true: if you can't register them without your dh's permission, then your dh can't register them without your permission. 

If you're asking what to do . . . quit doing anything to move Catholic school forward. It's not like registering for the local public school; a certain amount of effort is required. Don't go to open houses, don't bring your older son to take the test, don't fill out paperwork. 

Personally, I would have no problem kicking the can down the road to delay things. Tell him, let's enjoy the holidays and talk about this after. That might buy some time. Then, if saying you'll think about it stalls the drama, then say you'll think about it. Go ahead and think about it, sure, just don't do anything. Let time pass. Hopefully he rolls with it and deadlines are missed. 

If he doesn't roll with it and pressures you to move things forward, tell him you are just not up to it. You're very busy, it's been very stressful, you'll try to get to it in a week or two. 

But whatever you do, just don't do anything to move Catholic school forward. If he reacts badly and/or tries to somehow block your registration of choice . . . well, decisions will have to be made then also, but you can't let the worry of that dictate your choices. 

 

 

[SKL]

Is there any chance that someone associated with the church could talk to dh about why keeping ds at his current placement is preferable?

[Melissa in Australia]

HUGS

 

[Harriet Vane]

Hugs for you. No one thinks you are a bad parent. On the contrary, we (me especially) think you are carrying a terribly heavy load and admire the love and hard work. Really and truly.

[Garga]

Aw…I think you’re a great parent! I also thought you’d been in therapy the entire time that your husband has been struggling (don’t know why I thought it—an erroneous assumption), so it seemed like a simple thing to use one session out of many to talk about the conflict with your dh with the therapist.  But if you’ve only been once? Well, that’s a different story! Of COURSE you’d use the therapy session for your own issues.

If your husband thinks everything will be fine by the fall…then I just don’t know what to make of that. You’d think that someone who just spent over a year dealing with his issues with the help of professionals for 35 hours a week, would know that trauma doesn’t just wink away at a scheduled time.  Has anyone told him that he hurt his children? Does he not know? (This thread is the first time I have read anything about your dh issues so that might be a dumb question. I had no clue any of this was going on. In the Thanksgiving thread, I thought he was in the hosp for some sort of medical issue. I’m just now piecing things together.)

In general, are conversations with him at all productive? Or does he just dig in and not really listen? When he said the things he said (like about “you promised” etc), did you answer them, or in the moment did you not find the words? Is he normally someone who will spout off something, but then after thinking about it will cool off and change his mind? Or does he just dig in and refuse to soften?  How many times have you talked with him about this? Was it just one time? Or has he maintained his stance over time?

Not sure those questions help, but if you discussed it only once and if the topic comes back up, he might start to soften towards your pov, if he’s the sort to do so.  I was just wondering if he’s softening, or if he’s digging in. And I’m wondering if you told him your points and he’s had a chance to consider them over time. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Garga

[elegantlion]

Hugs to you and your family as you navigate these difficult waters. 

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Eos]

6 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I am just a mess.

I am holding you in the light.  

[J-rap]

I can't tell you how sorry I am for all you're going through...

Do you have some people in real life, a good friend or family member -- for example, who you can talk to?  On these forums, people only know little bits, and we can all only speak from our own unique perspectives which also lack so many real-life details that are personal to you alone.  So, everyone will have different opinions and I'm sure that can seem very confusing!

Or, perhaps just pick a few people on these boards whose views you've trusted and connected with in the past, and PM them?   

 

[YaelAldrich]

14 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Thanks everyone, I am sorry I was such a mess last night.  I am clearly really struggling with this relationship.

I find the advice I get here really confusing.  I need to take care t myself but then when I go to therapy and talk about anything but my kids I am told that’s wrong.  I need to not play the functional parent role but when I ask about how I can co-parent I am told I am not putting my kids first.  On another thread where I posted that I asked DH’s sister to keep my kids and GFIL for a few hours I was made to feel like I am using her.

Clearly this place is very bad for me, and I am terrified DH will find what I’ve written, but I can’t leave.

I just feel completely trapped.

This is the week 2 years ago when we found out my kid was dying and moved him to hospice.  7 years ago it’s the week his parents died.  I am just a mess. 

Anniversaries of sad times are so difficult. You are rightfully distressed and sad. And yes, your therapy is for you and whatever issues you think important. I don't think any of us knew you had just started individual therapy. That in itself makes it hard to delve into multiple difficult topics! None of us think poorly of you! On the contrary, you have been stronger than any person should have to be for far too long. I send my love, prayers, and hopes for healing on all fronts soon.

Edited December 16, 2021 by YaelAldrich

[Innisfree]

Sending lots of hugs, @Baseballandhockey. It sounds like this would be a good time to step back from big decisions for a bit. Can you give yourself permission and a little time to just grieve and rest?

I wish we could offer help and support in person. But I think you're a phenomenal parent in an incredibly difficult place. Anyone would be having trouble in your place, and anyone would be struggling.

[Catwoman]

20 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Thanks everyone, I am sorry I was such a mess last night.  I am clearly really struggling with this relationship.

I find the advice I get here really confusing.  I need to take care t myself but then when I go to therapy and talk about anything but my kids I am told that’s wrong.  I need to not play the functional parent role but when I ask about how I can co-parent I am told I am not putting my kids first.  On another thread where I posted that I asked DH’s sister to keep my kids and GFIL for a few hours I was made to feel like I am using her.

Clearly this place is very bad for me, and I am terrified DH will find what I’ve written, but I can’t leave.

I just feel completely trapped.

This is the week 2 years ago when we found out my kid was dying and moved him to hospice.  7 years ago it’s the week his parents died.  I am just a mess. 

I am so sorry you're going through so much, and I'm sure what makes it so much worse is knowing that this may be long term, not something that has a guaranteed end date and then things will be okay again. 😞 

I don't think you have gotten much conflicting information and I don't think anyone has blamed you or said you were a bad parent or a bad SIL or a bad anything else. I honestly believe that you are probably too upset and worried to be able to deal with anything you view as criticism at this point in time -- and I'm not saying that to make you feel badly about yourself. What I mean is that, you may just be in a mental state right now where all you really want is for everyone to agree with you and tell you that you're doing everything right, because you just can't deal with any more things that you perceive as being negative. And that's okay!!! It really is!!! It seems totally normal to me under these awful circumstances, where you probably feel like everything is out of your control. 

One thing that I think might help is if you put JAWM in your thread titles, at least for a little while until you are feeling less raw. I feel like we are hurting your feelings, when we are truly just trying to help. It seems like you are asking for advice, but when it's not what you want to hear, you are feeling attacked and blamed. I don't want you to feel that way, and I'm sure no one else here wants you to feel that way, either. 

Sending you lots of hugs and many, many prayers. I wish there was more that I could do to help, but I'm kind of afraid to post very much because I'm afraid of upsetting you, and the last thing I want to do is make you feel worse than you already do. I felt so sad when I read your post and you said you felt like people were blaming you.  😞 

[Lawyer&Mom]

You are dealing with so much.  No need to apologize, we understand.  Be gentle with yourself.  There are no perfect answers, so don’t worry about trying to find them. 

[Slache]

The thing about the hive is that we're all looking at you through our lenses, whether we're correct or not. Our advice is based on our experience and perception of you. I'm so grateful to get advice from so many wise women, but 90% of what I'm told just isn't applicable.

I've been accused of being a bad mom here too, and I think you know I'm not one. Stop listening to unfriendly voices, and know that a lot of us are going to be unhelpful. Just take what you need and spit out the rest.

[Anne]

Sending you big hugs and praying for you!!

 

Anne

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nobody can moderate the world for you.  If the board is an unhealthy place for you (and you aren't the only person who has run into this at times) and you can't moderate your own use of it, then you could change your password to random letters and numbers and DON'T WRITE IT DOWN. 

 

[Grace Hopper]

Goodness, you’ve got anniversary trauma on top of it all. So many hugs to you. 
 

[Terabith]

Deleted at request 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Terabith

[WildflowerMom]

15 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think the fact that you are so concerned about the possibility of your husband finding your compassionate and very anonymous questions is possibly the most alarming thing.  

Add that to the fear of unsupervised visits...    

BBH, I haven't btdt, but if you need to talk, feel free to PM me or any of the other ladies on the board.    I'm sure any of us would be willing to be a sounding board.  💛