.

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[JustEm]

7 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Your dh's responses

If those are his responses then your only true option is to say that you are not going to discuss this further. He is ignoring the present issues and hoping that by the fall things will be better. That isn't how life works. Big decisions that cause unnecessary upheaval in people's lives aren't made in hopes that in the future life isn't in turmoil. Big changes like that aren't made until life is out of turmoil.

[Melissa Louise]

5 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Corraleno]

RE: "you don't get to make this decision by yourself" ... well, neither does he. And since you have opposite opinions and the decision has to go one way or the other, the weight falls on the side of the choice that is best for the child right now, in the current real-life situation, not in an abstract theoretical "all things being equal I think a Catholic education is best" sort of way. What you agreed to before you had kids is irrelevant, because his illness has drastically changed the circumstances in which this decision is being made.

It sounds like he does not want to acknowledge just how traumatizing and disruptive his illness has been, and wants to immediately step back into "life as normal" like nothing happened and he's still head of the household. Trying to hold you to an agreement that was made at a time when the current circumstances were not something you would have ever imagined possible, reflects a refusal to acknowledge the changed circumstances and that is something he needs to deal with in order for your family, and your marriage, to move forward. This is a much bigger issue than just which school your kids go to, it's about acknowledging what happened and taking some responsibility for fixing it rather than trying to pretend everything's ok.

Edited December 15, 2021 by Corraleno

[Melissa Louise]

5 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[fraidycat]

5 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

If those are his responses then your only true option is to say that you are not going to discuss this further. He is ignoring the present issues and hoping that by the fall things will be better. That isn't how life works. Big decisions that cause unnecessary upheaval in people's lives aren't made in hopes that in the future life isn't in turmoil. Big changes like that aren't made until life is out of turmoil.

This.
 

Your DH is focused on what HE wants vs. what is best for TWO other people in this equation. His opinion is only, at most, worth 1/3 of the decision making process. And I would argue that at present, it is worth even less than that because he thinks his WANT for Catholic school should override your son's (and your own) NEED for stability at this point in time. That is not good parenting or partnering, like not even a little bit.
 

What you promised in the most recent agreement made last year is to revisit at high school, feel free to remind him of the updated agreement every time he brings it up. 
 

 

[Catwoman]

29 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

When I said things like that he said “I disagree” and “this is important to me” and “you promised” and “I am not leaving my kid at that . . . School” and “we agreed to raise Catholic kids” and “I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them” and “they are my kids too you don’t get to decide all by yourself”.

 

Honestly, what I would point out to your dh is that every one of the responses you have mentioned here is all about HIM and what HE wants, not about what your children want or need right now. He has a lot of nerve waltzing back in and expecting to take control over these decisions. I know mental illness is at play here, but in the end, this is about what is best for your children and not what will appease your dh.

I must say that I agree with @Melissa Louise -- I think you should discuss this with your therapist, who probably knows considerably more about your situation than we do. I'm not sure what would be more important to discuss than your son's future education and happiness.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Catwoman
typos!

[ktgrok]

Ok, looking at it from a different perspective, I will say it is okay for your son to have less challenging work, and not as advanced, if it means things are easier for everyone next year. That's okay too. 

Also, could it be that your husband does see that it would be easier to have the kids nearby, same school, etc and that is part of his reasoning - that you've had to bear so much of the load so making it easier on you feels important? (maybe that's not it...but worth a thought)

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[WildflowerMom]

Don't feel the need to respond to this...     is he presenting this as an ultimatum?  Like, it's over unless kid goes to this school?    IF that's the case, that's abusive and it's a different situation than him having a strong school preference.    
 

Also, just talking out loud here, you say ds isn't thriving in the other school, but is getting stability.   Would having him and other ds in the same school and close to home provide even more stability?   If so, that may be something to consider also.  
 

And one last thought, is dh pushing a lot of religious stuff at home right now?   That could be part of his mental ill.    
 

Again, feel free not to respond.   
💛

[bolt.]

33 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

When I said things like that he said “I disagree” and “this is important to me” and “you promised” and “I am not leaving my kid at that . . . School” and “we agreed to raise Catholic kids” and “I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them” and “they are my kids too you don’t get to decide all by yourself”.

 

Him: "I disagree"
You: "I know you disagree. I've understood you, I'm just not willing to change his school based on your preference."

Him: "This is important to me"
You: "I get the importance. We need to make this decision for one more year in favour of stability for (son's) education staying at (school name). We can keep talking about what to do for the following years."

Him: "You promised"
You: "I know we had some shared ideals back before we got pregnant, but things keep changing, and we need to parent the kids we have in the situation we are living through. I'm sorry I have to delay that promise. Staying at (school name) is the right thing for now. It's working for him and we need it to keep working for him."

Him: "We agreed to raise Catholic kids"

[73349]

This sounds difficult. I'm sorry.

I would like to point out that "We're going to raise the kids in our Catholic faith" and "We're sending the kids to Catholic schools no matter what" are completely different propositions, and it sounds like he may be conflating them.

[bolt.]

Him: "I disagree"
You: "I know you disagree. I've understood you, I'm just not willing to change his school based on your preference."

Him: "This is important to me"
You: "I get the importance. We need to make this decision for one more year in favour of stability for (son's) education staying at (school name). We can keep talking about what to do for the following years."

Him: "You promised"
You: "I know we had some shared ideals back before we got pregnant, but things keep changing, and we need to parent the kids we have in the situation we are living through. I'm sorry I have to delay that promise. Staying at (school name) is the right thing for now. It's working for him and we need it to keep working for him."

Him: "We agreed to raise Catholic kids"
You: "We *are* raising Catholic kids. They do (xyz) and their faith development is going well. I'm confident that we are raising Catholic kids."

Him: "I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them"
You: "No, hon. Trauma takes a long time to process. They won't be all better by fall. The more stability we can give them the better."

Him: "They are my kids too you don’t get to decide all by yourself"
You: "The kids are important to both of us, and you matter as a parent, but you aren't close enough to the situation to make this call. I've been coordinating and supporting their education,. Nobody blames you, but I'm comfortable making this call myself. We can keep talking about what to do the following year, but the call for next year should come primarily from me."

Edited December 16, 2021 by bolt.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I need to work on my own things in therapy.  I put my kids first all the time but I also need to take care of me.  

Gently, I think this situation is important enough that you should put your kids first and let your therapist try to help you work through it. I feel like I'm misunderstanding you, because this isn't just about your kids, anyway -- this is affecting you in a significant enough way that you started an entire thread about it. 

And if your kids aren't happy, I doubt you will be happy, either. 

Obviously, you should do what you need to do, but this seems to be an important enough issue that you might want to prioritize it over your own individual issues until you can get things resolved. This is such a major thing for your children that I think putting the kids' needs first is the right thing to do -- and again, nothing is only about the kids, because these decisions are important to you, too.

[Sneezyone]

1 hour ago, Baseballandhockey said:

We have had the rational conversations about why I think this and why I think I should make the decision.

It’s not like I haven’t said “I think that it’s better for X reasons” or “as the person here for the last few months this is what I’ve seen.”  

So, I’m the meany b/c that’s my role and I play it well but you’re saying that you already know what to do here. You just don’t want to b/c of the fallout but that’s what we do as parents of juveniles. We’re the fall guy, the punching bag, the scape goat, whatever. They can’t speak for themselves, as you said, so that’s your job right now. *they* need protection and support first and foremost. Not DH.

[catz]

Plenty of Catholic kids attend non-Catholic schools or float back and forth when the need arises.  I attended Catholic K-8 and public high school.  And the public high school was a MUCH better fit for me, I was much happier there.  To me he isn't really talking about what is best for kid's rationally right now.  It sounds like his brain is stuck on some points.  Parenting is really a dynamic process where you are working with the kid and situation in front of you and it doesn't even sounds like he is healthy enough yet to engage in the day to day nitty gritty.  

I don't think it is unfair to remind him that you have been the present parent for some time and that the ramifications of a change are very likely to fall on your shoulders and you all need some more time to heal before making big life altering decisions.  If there is damage to his relationship with the kids as it is, this could further damage trust if they feel they have a good situation and he just wants to change it for no clear reason.  There is no way you should be in charge of the research and hoop jumping to make it happen anyway right now when you have so much on your plate and to me even that piece of it is enough to say no on this right now.  

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Lecka]

I think there is a need for him to trust you and it sounds like he doesn’t trust you on this issue.  He is minimizing how you feel and not trusting your assessment.  
 

I think both sides need to show good faith.  
 

If he’s not showing good faith, then it doesn’t work to show good faith on one side, if it’s not warranted.

 

I think it’s an option to say “no, I’m not doing it,” then don’t do the current steps that he wants you to take right now.

 

I think that might be “real talk” if that is the truth about where you are.

 

I had thought before you were looking for how to keep good faith going on both sides.

 

But I think it’s okay to do what you want when things are not fair.

 

As to what I would picture happening — he’s mad at first but then decides it’s not worth fighting over?  Or he’s mad and he is angry for a long time?  Or somewhere in the middle of those?

 

I think it would be acceptable, though, to say “no, I’m not doing it, it’s not happening right now.”  
 

In a best-case scenario maybe he would say “wow, I didn’t realize you felt that strongly about it,” and start to think you must have good reasons for this and that he might see your side if he knew more about the situation.  
 

Edit:  I don’t think it is acting in bad faith, either.  It’s just not bending over backwards to leave every option open while he can’t be more present and involved.  I don’t think that is required, I think that would be a huge concession.  And worth doing if that is what you felt like doing, to try to leave open a mutual, joint decision.

 

But if you are feeling like he has forfeited that — I think that is totally fair and something that an adult man can accept even if he doesn’t like it.  

Edited December 16, 2021 by Lecka

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

No I don’t know what to do.  You said what to do I said I already did that and it didn’t work.  No one has provided a suggestion I didn’t already try.  So, I am confused how I “already know”. 

I think @Sneezyone meant that you already know that you have to put your foot down and make the decision that you already know is best for your children.

Several of us all seem to be saying the same thing -- your kids' needs trump your dh's wants.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Catwoman

[Lecka]

I have lived apart from my husband several times, and I always *want* for him to feel involved.  But the truth is sometimes he is not there to know what the situation is and it’s my role to take care of things.  
 

I think it can legitimately cause hurt feelings but a mature adult who respects his partner, just has to accept that he is going to either respect and support his partner or else — decide to be mad about everything, which I think many adults recognize to be selfish or not showing support to a spouse.

 

I do think in the question of “who is owed what,” the absent spouse is owed a lot, but so is the present spouse who is handling that area and needs to be trusted and supported when the chips are down.  
 

 

I think when he says the demanding things, you can say your own demanding things back.  Like — that you need his support, and he needs to support you and not question you, and that it’s not fair to you.  I think that can help people think of things from another perspective they might not be seeing.  You can say it’s not like it’s easy for you and that his support would mean so much.  

[Lecka]

I have been accused of “getting the kids on my side” as the more present parent.  Because it couldn’t possibly be that I am more in touch with them?

Honestly this never lasts very long, but it comes up, and my husband does have feelings like I want the kids to take my side so I can get my way.

But then he thinks — well, that he doesn’t want to be that way after all.  
 

I think there has to be trust that things are being done in good faith and good will, not just to get one side’s way at the expense of the other person.  
 

At a certain point I think spouses have to say — that they trust and respect the other person to make decisions.  
 

I think too it can seem really hard to rebuild a relationship with kids, and easier to just blame the kids or spouse for the lack of relationship, instead of working on it and accepting it will take time.  I think it takes maturity.  
 

I think there is a good faith requirement to encourage a relationship as much as possible, but not if the other person is the one just trying to get a certain outcome as proof of their standing.  
 

Edit:  I have been to marriage counseling for this and the counselor did think I was doing some gate-keeping.  But my husband was also told he couldn’t just expect things to be the same as in the past, kids change a lot in short periods of time and that is just life.  Sometimes you can say how you would ideally like to do things, ahead of time, but then that can need to adjust to how things play out. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Lecka

[Clemsondana]

11 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

 

Deleted at request of op

Edited December 16, 2021 by Clemsondana

[Ceilingfan]

I think what you are asking is either "how can I convince him to agree with my school decision?" Or "how do I keep him from being angry about not getting his way?" Or possibly "what happens if he absolutely refuses to stay married if I keep ds in the current school?"

For the first, I don't think you're going to get a magically correct answer; some things might or might not work.

For the second, the answer is that you can't.

For the third, the answer is that a divorce court judge is unlikely to insist that the child change schools at one parent's request. Divorce courts like stability for kids.

[Katy]

I don’t think you need to change the subject unless you’re afraid to be honest without support. I’m not one for walking on eggshells around mentally ill people.  I would just be honest, but it seems like you’re afraid to.

In your place I would tell him he’s treated both boys badly for a long time and right now the only thing he cares about is an agreement you made 15+ years ago, not what is best for the kids. Until he can see that what is best for them to heal is more important than an agreement you made before you had kids, he doesn’t get to make this decision. Become a functional adult who is capable of seeing all the things or your opinion about ideals isn’t as important as giving the kids stability right now.

And frankly I’d toss in a lot of Bible verses about hypocrisy too, but I’m sure Catholics would handle it differently. Maybe you can find a priest who will agree with you that stability and healing (Not to mention their relationship with their father) is more important than a school in the course of a lifetime of faith. Surely he doesn’t really think that being rejected by their father will have less impact on their relationship with God than a few extra catechism lessons. 

Now, my ex’s mental illness and alcoholism was quite different from your DH’s mental illness so vary the tone however you see fit. But if you can’t tell him the truth without him blowing up… personally I’d let him blow up and go back in the hospital. I don’t know if that’s right. I felt like I was martyring myself to the mental illness and when that relationship ended I promised I’d never do that again. I’m honest with DH. The kids come first. And we’ve agreed on that. If either of us develops a mental illness or dementia what’s best for the kids comes first. 

[TechWife]

7 hours ago, Anne said:

Perhaps their relationship might be a selling point for DH?  If DH forces DS to leave a school he is thriving in, what will that do to their relationship?

Anne

I really don’t recommend taking that approach because it leads to validating the “blame game” if anything goes awry. It really strikes me as manipulative, TBH.  

[TechWife]

7 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Circumstances change. 

The kids have had enough upheaval. Let school be a stable factor. 

If I needed a script, I'd say something like, "I know this is important to you, but our circumstances have changed. The boys need stability at this point, and I do too. This is working for us, and I don't think it's in our interests as a family to change schools right now."

Is there another way of strengthening their relationship with Catholicism? 

This is beautifully phrased. 

[JustEm]

39 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

No I don’t know what to do.  You said what to do I said I already did that and it didn’t work.  No one has provided a suggestion I didn’t already try.  So, I am confused how I “already know”. 

You just don't follow through with researching Catholic school options. That is what you do. This is his burden to deal with if he actually wants to have a real say in the kids education next year. If he does so, great you can continue discussing the topic. If he doesn't, then you get what you believe is best for the kids.

You do not need to carry the mental load of a decision you are not interested in making. 

[JustEm]

Or you could strongly suggest to your son that he fail the entrance exam on purpose like I did when my parents tried to switch me to Catholic school. They wanted to hold me back a year so my parents kept me in public school. Just kidding kinda. 

[TechWife]

5 hours ago, Lecka said:

So right now you would just be applying but not making the final decision for next year?  I think that could be done in good faith unless it is just too much of a burden for you right now.

…

If it’s not too much of a burden, I think it would be a good-faith move to make there be some options available when the other parent can be more involved.  

The application process involves their son due to testing requirements at the minimum. His school situation would no longer be stable from his perspective. He would have to then live with this uncertainty for a few months at a minimum. Merely introducing the idea that there might be a change could be damaging to their ds at this point in time. 

[TechWife]

23 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Or you could strongly suggest to your son that he fail the entrance exam on purpose like I did when my parents tried to switch me to Catholic school. They wanted to hold me back a year so my parents kept me in public school. Just kidding kinda. 

That can have long lasting ramifications for her son’s future in school. Private and public schools keep records of past applicants. Her son might not even make it to the testing phase in the future. Mostly though, this is using the child to manipulate the father/husband. I’m saying this very strongly - do not ever try to get a child to play a game or to fulfill a certain role in order to get the outcome that you want. Weaponizing  children in a discussion/disagreement between the child’s parents is incredibly damaging to the child. 

[JennyD]

2 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

“I know they’ve been stressed but surely by the fall this will be behind them” 

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

It sounds like he does not want to acknowledge just how traumatizing and disruptive his illness has been, and wants to immediately step back into "life as normal" like nothing happened

59 minutes ago, Lecka said:

 But my husband was also told he couldn’t just expect things to be the same as in the past, kids change a lot in short periods of time and that is just life.  

I don't blame your DH for just wanting to hand-wave it all away -- it must be incredibly painful for him to think about how difficult his illness has been for his beloved children -- but it does sound like that it is a lot of what is going on here.  

55 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

I don't see why these have to be in conflict.  'I agree, we want to send/consider sending the kids to Catholic for high school/in the future, but right now we have a lot going on and the kids and I aren't up to another change this year/I'm not able to do the research needed/we can't handle having to go through the testing process right now.  I'd be happy to revisit this next year when we are all in a calmer place, but right now we just need to not have any more change.'  

This seems like a great framing.  

OP, I am so sorry that things continue to be so stressful for you.  

[Sneezyone]

11 minutes ago, TechWife said:

That can have long lasting ramifications for her son’s future in school. Private and public schools keep records of past applicants. Her son might not even make it to the testing phase in the future. Mostly though, this is using the child to manipulate the father/husband. I’m saying this very strongly - do not ever try to get a child to play a game or to fulfill a certain role in order to get the outcome that you want. Weaponizing  children in a discussion/disagreement between the child’s parents is incredibly damaging to the child. 

To be clear, what I suggested initially wasn't weaponizing the child but encouraging him to advocate for himself with the understanding that, ultimately, the decision still rests with Mom/Dad. What we have now is Mom being the sole speaker on behalf of herself and the child with Dad's vote weighting extra heavy.

[JustEm]

16 minutes ago, TechWife said:

That can have long lasting ramifications for her son’s future in school. Private and public schools keep records of past applicants. Her son might not even make it to the testing phase in the future. Mostly though, this is using the child to manipulate the father/husband. I’m saying this very strongly - do not ever try to get a child to play a game or to fulfill a certain role in order to get the outcome that you want. Weaponizing  children in a discussion/disagreement between the child’s parents is incredibly damaging to the child. 

i was joking

[TechWife]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

To be clear, what I suggested initially wasn't weaponizing the child but encouraging him to advocate for himself with the understanding that, ultimately, the decision still rests with Mom/Dad. What we have now is Mom being the sole speaker on behalf of herself and the child with Dad's vote weighting extra heavy.

I wasn’t responding to your comment. I don’t have any issues with your suggestion (at least not that I remember- if I try to go back & look now I’ll loose my place here & confuse myself). When appropriate, teaching a child to self advocate is a good thing. That isn’t what the poster I was responding to was  referencing. 

[lauraw4321]

2 hours ago, Corraleno said:

RE: "you don't get to make this decision by yourself" ... well, neither does he. And since you have opposite opinions and the decision has to go one way or the other, the weight falls on the side of the choice that is best for the child right now, in the current real-life situation, not in an abstract theoretical "all things being equal I think a Catholic education is best" sort of way. What you agreed to before you had kids is irrelevant, because his illness has drastically changed the circumstances in which this decision is being made.

It sounds like he does not want to acknowledge just how traumatizing and disruptive his illness has been, and wants to immediately step back into "life as normal" like nothing happened and he's still head of the household. Trying to hold you to an agreement that was made at a time when the current circumstances were not something you would have ever imagined possible, reflects a refusal to acknowledge the changed circumstances and that is something he needs to deal with in order for your family, and your marriage, to move forward. This is a much bigger issue than just which school your kids go to, it's about acknowledging what happened and taking some responsibility for fixing it rather than trying to pretend everything's ok.

QFT. 

[TechWife]

2 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

i was joking

“kinda” - so no, you weren’t joking - you thought your idea was valid. 

IMO & IME joking about using kids isn’t a thing. It’s horrible. 

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[Ceilingfan]

removed

Edited May 26, 2022 by Ceilingfan

[Drama Llama]

.

Edited December 16, 2021 by Baseballandhockey

[WildflowerMom]

I think you need to speak to a lawyer to find out what the future could possibly look like.    I’d do that now before making any school decisions.   I’m sorry.  

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

 

Regarding what to tell him, I would not suggest saying that he has forfeited his right to have a voice.  I'd probably say, This is my decision for this year, since I'm closer to the situation than anyone else.  Next year that could change.

I'd say it flatly but kindly, not angrily, and I would not really discuss it beyond that.  If he kept saying that he wants things different, I'd say, 'Definitely worth considering in the future, but absolutely not for this coming school year."  Over and over if necessary.  If it came up too too often, I might say, "I'm not willing to discuss this anymore unless there is some new information to consider."  And then change the subject.
 

This.

Pick a stance and repeat it. Over and over. No elaborate explanations, no going around and around. 

And I would absolutely not force either kid to make new friends, get in gear in another new school, and deal with yet another big upheaval. Keep the kids stable.

[Katy]

nm

Edited December 17, 2021 by Katy

[BusyMom5]

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate right now.  You know that your kids do not need another school change next year.  He isn't at a place to see that clearly.  Maybe it would help to consider what his old self would think of this situation.   I'm betting that he would agree the kids have had too much stress in the family and need the consistency of the current school over the Catholic school. 

I have a friend whose husband has had episodes off and on all during their long marriage and raising kids. She has had to admit him multiple times when he wasn't happy about it.   I know its really hard on her, but she doesn't consider him to be himself when he is in those times, so his opinion isn't really HIS opinion, iykwim.   Higs and prayers for you as you navigate this tough time.  You deserve to have a break.  Your kids deserve some stability.  

[SKL]

Does your son's therapist have an opinion on this?  That might help with your conversation with your DH.

I would look for a middle ground such as having your son attend Catholic classes on the weekends, while continuing at his current school for the near future, with a plan to revisit.

While I would probably feel the same as you feel about changing schools, I am wondering - if he did go back to his old Catholic school, would there still be some continuity for him there also?  Would it be comfortable or uncomfortable for him socially / emotionally?

[Corraleno]

17 minutes ago, Ceilingfan said:

So maybe your question is "if my reasoning for keeping the kid in this school is because it's better for him right now, but keeping him there will cause enough strife with dh that it outweighs (for the kid) the benefit of staying in the school, should I just give in so that I overall there's less stress for the kid?"

I have some long term experience giving in to mentally ill, factually incorrect parenting in order to preserve peace in the home and avoid anger or divorce. It just got worse over the years, and failed in the end anyway, because allowing the wrong thing to be done to your child or to you so that an irrational person doesn't hurt them tends to a. Give the irrational person the impression that their ideas are acceptable when they're actually wrong, do they keep having more bad ideas and b. Teach the kids that the person they rely on for safety is no longer safe, as that person will sacrifice the kids' objective best interests to keep an unsafe person from hurting them, temporarily.

This. 

OP you may think that letting a mentally unstable parent have their way will reduce the tension and conflict in your home, but that's not how it works. The tension and conflict will still be there, just suppressed, and the kids absolutely WILL feel that — with the added burden of not being able to acknowledge or discuss the problem because the adults are pretending that it's been dealt with.

Giving in to the irrational demands of someone who is not mentally stable is never an effective solution to any problem, and it's a terrible lesson to teach kids. And it's even more problematic when it's the children's best interests that are being sacrificed so that their father doesn't have to acknowledge the real damage that his illness has done to his family and his relationship with his sons.

 

[Tanaqui]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

Or you could strongly suggest to your son that he fail the entrance exam on purpose like I did when my parents tried to switch me to Catholic school. They wanted to hold me back a year so my parents kept me in public school. Just kidding kinda. 

I'll be honest, I'm on the side of any kid who decides to do that for their own reasons.

However, I do not think it is ever appropriate for a caregiver or guardian to suggest to a child, even as a joke, as a way of evading a different caregiver or guardian. For one parent to suggest it because the other parent is being unreasonable is... no.

You do not put a child in the position of having to take sides, even as a joke. If the other parent does it, that's all the more reason for YOU not to do it.

It's not a funny joke.

I *assume* you only meant it to circulate among us here, and not for the kids to see it, but even then... it's just not a funny joke.

[Ceilingfan]

46 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

Did he get custody?  Unsupervised visitation?

For the period during the divorce process, therapeutically supervised; then supervised, then eventually unsupervised. It took a long time. I still have legal custody (meaning school decisions, etc.)