Brewing tEa

[Terabith]

For folks who are married, how often do you brew tea?  

How often would your husbands want to engage in tea brewing or drinking activities?  

What do you think is the normal range of tea related behaviors in terms of frequency?

 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Terabith

[City Mouse]

My opinion is that as long as both parties are content with the arrangements any frequency or lack there of is “normal”.

I assume that issues arise when the two parties do not agree.

[Catwoman]

You might get more replies if you start a poll and then ask for comments. That way, the people who don't feel comfortable commenting might still respond to your poll.  🙂

[katilac]

Normal is just a setting on your dryer. Any range of frequency is fine unless it bothers one partner that their thirst levels are very different, and a successful argument for changing the frequency is never, "But my thirst is normal!"

[Catwoman]

All right, I'll just admit it.

I keep coming back to this thread to find out why Terabith started it.

#verynosy

[Faith-manor]

Normal is a myth!

Communication is key, and of course, keeping an eye out for health problems that could be causing an issue. There are definitely things that should be addressed because they can be indicators of serious issues. So for low libido, thyroid comes to mind, but others as well. If a person was worried that what was going on was not normal for them or was causing problems for a spouse, I would encourage w good physical with a women's or men's health specialist whichever is appropriate.

Seasons of life. Often during the work year, dh is just working a lot of long hours and is really tired. No worries. When we go vacationing or van camping...ya, people just stay away from the van for your own sakes! 😁 We are smart enough to do a fair amount of remote camping. 😂

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

All right, I'll just admit it.

I keep coming back to this thread to find out why Terabith started it.

#verynosy

So, this is actually an "asking for a friend" poll.  I'm pretty sure my husband and I are outliers.  We stopped worrying about normal a long time ago.  

[Faith-manor]

Can I just say that this reminds of our disastrous date last Tuesday night, predicted by Catwoman, the seer and wizard, who postulated that DH could not handle both Menards and Panera Bread take out in the same evening, and as it happens our date was rudely interrupted by his boss ending in a late night of work so I said, "I guess this means no tEa tonight," and dh thought that the electric teapot was broken and I meant he couldn't have any Candy Cane Lane tea while he worked.

Since then, my brain has been laughing about it, and I am both blaming and adoring Catwoman at the same time!!!

[Catwoman]

Just now, Faith-manor said:

Can I just say that this reminds of our disastrous date last Tuesday night, predicted by Catwoman, the seer and wizard, who postulated that DH could not handle both Menards and Panera Bread take out in the same evening, and as it happens our date was rudely interrupted by his boss ending in a late night of work so I said, "I guess this means no tEa tonight," and dh thought that the electric teapot was broken and I meant he couldn't have any Candy Cane Lane tea while he worked.

Since then, my brain has been laughing about it, and I am both blaming and adoring Catwoman at the same time!!!

Guilty as charged!!! 😉 

[Katy]

Human appetites vary from asexual to hypersexual, not only between individuals but across the course of a lifetime. That’s normal. This, like any other topic, needs to be negotiated between couples. 

In an ideal relationship I’d think it’s best to try to meet the other person’s needs.  But with the Duggars in the news I’d also like to point out that boundaries and saying no are fine. 

[Slache]

I don't like the questions. It looks as though you are assuming that we brewed tea as frequently as we want to, and our spouse has a different opinion. In our house neither of us is satisfied with the frequency. We are very tired and overworked.

Also, it's greatly varied over the years based on ages of children and what our lifestyle is like, so the frequency now is not the frequency of 2 years ago which is not the frequency of 5 years ago, which is not the frequency of 10 years ago.

[Syllieann]

I agree with others that seasons and appetites vary.  However, if you're talking like a whole year or something there are probably some other issues.  One couple I know was 2 years before the husband found out the wife had been having an affair. Another couple I know hasn't had tea in 3 years, but neither is cheating.  They are more like good roommates I guess.  The husband is very unhappy though.

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, Slache said:

I don't like the questions. It looks as though you are assuming that we brewed tea as frequently as we want to, and our spouse has a different opinion. In our house neither of us is satisfied with the frequency. We are very tired and overworked.

Also, it's greatly varied over the years based on ages of children and what our lifestyle is like, so the frequency now is not the frequency of 2 years ago which is not the frequency of 5 years ago, which is not the frequency of 10 years ago.

That's a valid criticism.  Thank you.  Good points.  

[Lady Florida.]

You probably wanted actual numbers and we're all like, "normal is whatever works for the couple" but that's true. As long as there's communication especially if the desired frequency changes for only one half of the couple, then there is no official normal amount of tEa brewing. 

Also @Slache made an excellent point. Frequency changes with life changes so even what's normal for a particular couple doesn't stay the same throughout the relationship/marriage. 

25 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Can I just say that this reminds of our disastrous date last Tuesday night, predicted by Catwoman, the seer and wizard, who postulated that DH could not handle both Menards and Panera Bread take out in the same evening, and as it happens our date was rudely interrupted by his boss ending in a late night of work so I said, "I guess this means no tEa tonight," and dh thought that the electric teapot was broken and I meant he couldn't have any Candy Cane Lane tea while he worked.

Since then, my brain has been laughing about it, and I am both blaming and adoring Catwoman at the same time!!!

Okay, now I need to go and see if I can find this thread because it sounds like a fun one to read! 

[sassenach]

I think dh would like every 2-3 days, consistently. My drive would like every day the first week after my cycle, then every 2-3 days for another week, then not at all (but I'm willing to maybe once or twice) that 3rd week, then I'm on my cycle, so no thank you. It's very much feast or famine but I think overall we are both satisfied with the end result.

[Ausmumof3]

Am I the only one who noticed the typo in 3-4 😳?

Seems to be happy days here these days. Pregnancy and breastfeeding have definitely upset the balance for us at times though.

[Elizabeth86]

All I can manage is weekly. Dh would like like to daily. I honestly would be content with never again. 😂

[Guest]

I also don’t think “normal” is a very good measure. For one thing, age makes a big difference I’ve found. What was “normal” fifteen years ago is different from what is normal now. Also adjusting for times of grief or illness or rocky patches in the relationship. Those things are also normal and teA doesn’t get brewed much then. 
 

That said, I answered once a week though he would prefer twice a week. It’s a weekend activity for us but he would like it to be both weekend days. I don’t usually agree to this, or we might do “all him” activities. 
 

*I should probably mention that at my age and post cancer, I often feel I could go without for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong - once the kettle is heating up, I’m game, but it’s mostly a bit of a concession on my part to even start in the first place. 

[JustEm]

We are a 5-6 days a week couple. And that has been pretty much the norm except for the last month of pregnancy and the first 2 months after a baby. Frequency wise, if he wanted it more I'd be down for it. We do go through periods of time where it is daily plus some.

We are thankfully pretty darn compatible libido wise. But if a couple isn't they need to communicate well to find a compromise both people are happy with. I've seen far too many couples ignore it and end up in dead bedrooms because the higher libido person is hurt by rejection and eventually stops initiating and that ends up making the lower libido person feeling too pressured to be able to initiate. Communication is key in this issue.

[Ottakee]

This website has a lot of great Information.  One thing she found is that often women are less interested as they get less pleasure from it....she has lots of ideas on how to fix that issue 

 

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/

[Eos]

"Never"  but it's interesting to read that some folks still do this sort of thing. I would add a smiley emoji but don't know how.

Coming back around to say we used to have a very interesting tea-drinking life, and it abruptly changed to me being perfectly happy with never.  I have no idea if it's age, hormones, or what, but it feels utterly normal to me. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Eos

[Soror]

I don't think comparisons or talk of "normal" is really helpful for anyone. It has varied so much here. Right now the limiting factors are lack of time and stress and the fact that we follow NFP (which knocks out several days a month unless we want to have another baby- which we don't). We have found things continue to improve with age as we become closer and closer to each other. And a better sex life does not mean having sex more. It is about the openness of communication, coming together, willingness to listen to each others physical and emotional needs.

[Spryte]

I feel strange answering because the follow up question implies that I’m happy with the number but DH is not. And that’s not the case. I think we both have similar thoughts about frequency. 

Regardless though, I too think every couple has to find their own rhythm, and all of it is normal. Things like this will vary according to stage of life, health, etc, also.

[Scarlett]

I always find this topic fascinating.  I think it is more helpful to know what is normal for your particular season of life.  3  babies under 5? Maybe once a week would be a miracle.  40 something empty nesters?  Maybe 3-4 times a week.   I don't have a lot of friends that I speak openly about this....but of those few it seems like I have always been on the more frequent side of 'normal'.  And it seems some husbands are wanting it more  but none terminally unhappy about the situation.

Interestingly, I have heard from a lot of men in my life (various close relatives or friends of my husband) very unhappy about the almost total lack of tEa. Ages range from young 20s to late 50s.   A few of these men have opted for going out for tEa which has resulted in a severing of the relationship. 

Dh and I had both been in long term marriages and we had very frank discussions about this before we married.  We both laid out our tEa consumption preferences and we decided we could live with each other.  I think young people, especially those remaining chaste, do not have that luxury.  I also don't think that is a good enough reason to not remain chaste....

I have given this a lot of thought.  It is like a lot of the compromise that happens in marriage (at least the marriages that are successful)....If one person is a total messy slob who never picks up after themselves and the other likes cleanliness and orderliness....that is a problem.  Other examples abound.....but I think it comes down to the 'love bank' concept.  If you are getting most of your needs met in a marriage you are less likely to hyperfocus on the ones you are not getting.  

YMMV

[1234]

It varies by what’s going on and who’s living with us. 🤪

When both dc were in school and Dh started working from home, it was daily. Covid hit and dc we’re home all day, it went back to 3-4 times a week. Both dc moved out for college and we were back to daily. Youngest started having medical issues and just moved back in with us and we’re back to just 3-4 days a week. 🙃

We’re both fine with how things are and know it’s just a season. We’re stressed about youngest and just hope to get them back where they want to be. 

[Farrar]

I don't like these threads because the couple of times we've had them before, there's been a lot of defensiveness on both ends. Some people are very keen to let everyone know that NORMAL for women is wanting fewer and fewer cups as you age and that wanting just as much as ever or more is NOT NORMAL.

On the other end, some people are very keen to let us all know that HEALTHY couples have regular tea. And that HEALTHY women want tea.  So, presumably, women who don't want tea are not healthy.

I'm definitely in the whatever you've negotiated and enjoy is probably in the range of normal and healthy.

[Lawyer&Mom]

I don’t like the idea that (happily married) couples who aren’t brewing tea are “like roommates.”  There is so much more to a relationship with your spouse than tea.  

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

I don’t like the idea that (happily married) couples who aren’t brewing tea are “like roommates.”  There is so much more to a relationship with your spouse than tea.  

I agree, except if one spouse is very unhappy about the lack of then resentment can overtake the relationship.  And sometimes that lack of intimacy when desired can lead to a room mate feel.

[marbel]

IME when someone asks this question it's because there is conflict in the relationship, so the person asking is probably trying to justify their own preference/level of desire as "normal."

As people have said, there is no normal; well, the expectation that there will be changes over the course of a lifetime is normal. But there is no magic number of times/week. If there is a conflict in a relationship over "normal," the couple needs to work it out (on their own or with professional help); polling people isn't going to help because there is no universally correct answer to the question.

Also, what Farrar said. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by marbel

[rebcoola]

Yeah your question is hard we have been the same rate as long I can remember. We are both relatively happy with that rate but it's maybe not the rate either would say is their ideal.  

I also think their is no normal

[barnwife]

Agreeing with other posters that "normal" is not a helpful idea in this discussion. I mean, I can't believe that we are the only couple in which this varies based on work schedule, season of life for us, other life issues/stress. What matters is that if either/both people aren't happy, a respectful discussion ensues.

 

[Dmmetler]

Also, medical stuff makes a difference. In some cases, it is less that the person doesn't want to brew TeA, and more that it just plain isn't viable at the time, and that it can take a LONG time to get medical personnel to take the complaints seriously and find something that works. 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Dmmetler

[sassenach]

2 hours ago, Joker2 said:

It varies by what’s going on and who’s living with us. 🤪

When both dc were in school and Dh started working from home, it was daily. Covid hit and dc we’re home all day, it went back to 3-4 times a week. Both dc moved out for college and we were back to daily. Youngest started having medical issues and just moved back in with us and we’re back to just 3-4 days a week. 🙃

We’re both fine with how things are and know it’s just a season. We’re stressed about youngest and just hope to get them back where they want to be. 

I'm impressed that you managed 3-4/wk during covid. Covid with older kids home ALL THE TIME was the worst. Such a drag on my sx life.

[Terabith]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

IME when someone asks this question it's because there is conflict in the relationship, so the person asking is probably trying to justify their own preference/level of desire as "normal."

As people have said, there is no normal; well, the expectation that there will be changes over the course of a lifetime is normal. But there is no magic number of times/week. If there is a conflict in a relationship over "normal," the couple needs to work it out (on their own or with professional help); polling people isn't going to help because there is no universally correct answer to the question.

Also, what Farrar said. 

So, I think my friend is wondering what is typical (probably a better word than normal), because there is mental illness in their relationship, and she is concerned that the frequency of tea drinking that her spouse is desiring could be a sign of impending disaster or a symptom of illness.  

I do definitely think the important thing is communication and whatever works for both partners.  However, I do also understand my friend's concerns, since outlying frequency can be both completely fine as long as it works for everyone involved or potentially a symptom of illness.  

Honestly, we are extreme outliers in terms of brewing tea monthly or less, most of the time.  We've talked a lot about it, though.  Scarlett's point about young people who are being chaste before marriage is actually one of my arguments against chastity.  If you've never brewed tea, you don't know much about how you like your tea or how often you want to drink it, and it makes figuring out compatibility before you marry a whole lot harder.  I had NO IDEA before I got married that I'm basically asexual.  (Although it's entirely possible that this is due to a combination of trauma and having been on antidepressants my entire adult life.)  I thought we were just being pure and following God's will.  And there's all those years of conditioning from childhood and adolescence that tea is bad and dangerous.  A wedding does not necessarily flip that switch to good, giving, and game overnight.  I had a history of only sorta kinda remembered trauma that came roaring out on our wedding night, and you wanna talk about trauma?  A honeymoon where tea is excruciating and panic inducing and horrifying and never actually completed is awful.  You feel like a complete and utter failure.  It literally took me YEARS to be able to brew tea.  My husband is a saint with a very, very low libido, and we have an awesome relationship otherwise and are really really good at communication.  So it's worked for us, but holy crap.  I don't want to recommend my kids be promiscuous in their tea lives, but I kinda think some experience prior to marriage is a good idea.  

Edited December 13, 2021 by Terabith

[WildflowerMom]

I'm good with once weekly.  Dh would like a little more, but whatever.    It's been like 3 weeks right now, because ds20 is back home and out of work. It's much harder in a very small house to brew tEa when your 20yo is down the hall and totally aware of what tEa is.  Much easier to hide when they're toddlers.    
we've gone through very active times and drought.   All is normal for us.  Now, in our 40's, we're both on meds that don't exactly help the tEa drive.    

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, WildflowerMom said:

I'm good with once weekly.  Dh would like a little more, but whatever.    It's been like 3 weeks right now, because ds20 is back home and out of work. It's much harder in a very small house to brew tEa when your 20yo is down the hall and totally aware of what tEa is.  Much easier to hide when they're toddlers.    
we've gone through very active times and drought.   All is normal for us.  Now, in our 40's, we're both on meds that don't exactly help the tEa drive.    

Yeah, older children at home in a relatively small house definitely makes things harder.  Our bedroom is a former living room, and we don't even have a door.  We wind up doing an elaborate thing with closing the door to the library that is essentially announcing to our children that tea brewing is going on.  

[Dmmetler]

23 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Yeah, older children at home in a relatively small house definitely makes things harder.  Our bedroom is a former living room, and we don't even have a door.  We wind up doing an elaborate thing with closing the door to the library that is essentially announcing to our children that tea brewing is going on.  

One of my friends had her then 14 yr old give her a safe sex lecture when she started seeing someone seriously after her divorce...

 

I think my teen prefers to believe that parthenogenesis is a thing and that TeA never happens. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that whatever works for both is normal. And I desire levels can fluctuate back and forth over time in either direction for one or both for various reasons.  Those reasons can be physical, psychological/emotional, environmental or a combination of those things.

[Soror]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't like these threads because the couple of times we've had them before, there's been a lot of defensiveness on both ends. Some people are very keen to let everyone know that NORMAL for women is wanting fewer and fewer cups as you age and that wanting just as much as ever or more is NOT NORMAL.

On the other end, some people are very keen to let us all know that HEALTHY couples have regular tea. And that HEALTHY women want tea.  So, presumably, women who don't want tea are not healthy.

I'm definitely in the whatever you've negotiated and enjoy is probably in the range of normal and healthy.

I don't like the use of the word normal but it is common for women's sex drive to wane with age and changing hormones (I've seen studies saying up to 80% of women). I think it is an important topic to discuss. Sex can also become difficult and painful due to changes caused by shifting hormones. It is an unfortunate reality for many women. I am really, really hoping that it does not happen to me. To finally be free from worry about pregnancy then to have my drive plummet and/or to have physical issues would be entirely unfair! I worry that I will be affected negatively by the hormonal changes as I was with using bc and pregnancy but am trying not to borrow trouble.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

So, I think my friend is wondering what is typical (probably a better word than normal), because there is mental illness in their relationship, and she is concerned that the frequency of tea drinking that her spouse is desiring could be a sign of impending disaster or a symptom of illness.  

 

It can certainly be a symptom of mania. And it is also a grief coping mechanism.....widowers/widows report that their desire for tEa increases dramatically after losing their mate.  And I remember my first husband after his dad died.  It was very noticeably increased for a while.  I can't remember how long. 

[Farrar]

23 minutes ago, Soror said:

I don't like the use of the word normal but it is common for women's sex drive to wane with age and changing hormones (I've seen studies saying up to 80% of women). I think it is an important topic to discuss. Sex can also become difficult and painful due to changes caused by shifting hormones. It is an unfortunate reality for many women. I am really, really hoping that it does not happen to me. To finally be free from worry about pregnancy then to have my drive plummet and/or to have physical issues would be entirely unfair! I worry that I will be affected negatively by the hormonal changes as I was with using bc and pregnancy but am trying not to borrow trouble.

I'm aware that it's a common experience, but in the last thread that I recall on this subject, there were a high number of posts that felt very shame-leaning to me towards women saying they had not experienced a lowering of drive. Very much emphasizing how abnormal that was. And it's like, look, I get that women who don't experience a lowering of drive may be getting held up by some to say that some specific woman shouldn't either. But just stop with the defensiveness and finger pointing. I'll totally have this conversation with my friends. When I've seen it happen on the boards, I've seen it turn very uncomfortable from both ends.

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

It can certainly be a symptom of mania. And it is also a grief coping mechanism.....widowers/widows report that their desire for tEa increases dramatically after losing their mate.  And I remember my first husband after his dad died.  It was very noticeably increased for a while.  I can't remember how long. 

Yes, the intimacy can be very comforting. Definitely a thing.

[TravelingChris]

14 hours ago, Slache said:

I don't like the questions. It looks as though you are assuming that we brewed tea as frequently as we want to, and our spouse has a different opinion. In our house neither of us is satisfied with the frequency. We are very tired and overworked.

Also, it's greatly varied over the years based on ages of children and what our lifestyle is like, so the frequency now is not the frequency of 2 years ago which is not the frequency of 5 years ago, which is not the frequency of 10 years ago.

This.  We both had medical issues, and right now I am post surgery and can't do that right now.  It will be different after I am able to move more normally again.

[ktgrok]

I didn't reply because it varies SO much. We might go a month without, then do it 3 -4 times in a week, etc. It just really depends on a ton of factors. 

[TravelingChris]

38 minutes ago, Soror said:

I don't like the use of the word normal but it is common for women's sex drive to wane with age and changing hormones (I've seen studies saying up to 80% of women). I think it is an important topic to discuss. Sex can also become difficult and painful due to changes caused by shifting hormones. It is an unfortunate reality for many women. I am really, really hoping that it does not happen to me. To finally be free from worry about pregnancy then to have my drive plummet and/or to have physical issues would be entirely unfair! I worry that I will be affected negatively by the hormonal changes as I was with using bc and pregnancy but am trying not to borrow trouble.

I am one whose desire did not change or maybe changed for more.  But I have a disease that really affects how it feels for me and that has become worse (Sjogren's which is an autoimmune disease primarily targeting the exocrine system which includes the vagina and and also the prostate in men.  I saw an ad for a dissolving lubricant and after I heal from the surgery, I may want to try that.  Because what used to work prior to menopause, no longer works.  And also, my libido is greatly influenced by how much steroids I am on.  When I feel better, I am more likely to want more.  Dh's libido has waned more with the years as mine has increased but it is all good. I am not looking for any other outlet or anything.  

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

 she is concerned that the frequency of tea drinking that her spouse is desiring could be a sign of impending disaster or a symptom of illness. 

She needs to talk to a licensed professional who specializes in his type of mental illness.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

 Scarlett's point about young people who are being chaste before marriage is actually one of my arguments against chastity.  If you've never brewed tea, you don't know much about how you like your tea or how often you want to drink it, and it makes figuring out compatibility before you marry a whole lot harder. 

Since the tea frequency preferences can change dramatically during life, figuring out compatibility gives you only one data point. Just because a person is very much into tea at age 20 does not guarantee they won't lose any interest in tea whatsoever at age 35.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

So, I think my friend is wondering what is typical (probably a better word than normal), because there is mental illness in their relationship, and she is concerned that the frequency of tea drinking that her spouse is desiring could be a sign of impending disaster or a symptom of illness.  

I do definitely think the important thing is communication and whatever works for both partners.  However, I do also understand my friend's concerns, since outlying frequency can be both completely fine as long as it works for everyone involved or potentially a symptom of illness.  

Honestly, we are extreme outliers in terms of brewing tea monthly or less, most of the time.  We've talked a lot about it, though.  Scarlett's point about young people who are being chaste before marriage is actually one of my arguments against chastity.  If you've never brewed tea, you don't know much about how you like your tea or how often you want to drink it, and it makes figuring out compatibility before you marry a whole lot harder.  I had NO IDEA before I got married that I'm basically asexual.  (Although it's entirely possible that this is due to a combination of trauma and having been on antidepressants my entire adult life.)  I thought we were just being pure and following God's will.  And there's all those years of conditioning from childhood and adolescence that tea is bad and dangerous.  A wedding does not necessarily flip that switch to good, giving, and game overnight.  I had a history of only sorta kinda remembered trauma that came roaring out on our wedding night, and you wanna talk about trauma?  A honeymoon where tea is excruciating and panic inducing and horrifying and never actually completed is awful.  You feel like a complete and utter failure.  It literally took me YEARS to be able to brew tea.  My husband is a saint with a very, very low libido, and we have an awesome relationship otherwise and are really really good at communication.  So it's worked for us, but holy crap.  I don't want to recommend my kids be promiscuous in their tea lives, but I kinda think some experience prior to marriage is a good idea.  

I am not sure that is even helpful though.  My dss25 lived with his girlfriend, she got pregnant, then they got married.  No tEa after that.  

[TravelingChris]

18 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm aware that it's a common experience, but in the last thread that I recall on this subject, there were a high number of posts that felt very shame-leaning to me towards women saying they had not experienced a lowering of drive. Very much emphasizing how abnormal that was. And it's like, look, I get that women who don't experience a lowering of drive may be getting held up by some to say that some specific woman shouldn't either. But just stop with the defensiveness and finger pointing. I'll totally have this conversation with my friends. When I've seen it happen on the boards, I've seen it turn very uncomfortable from both ends.

I am totally fine with whatever a couple wants or decides to do.  I have no idea why I am more interested now than I was in my 40s and early 50s but probably because I had super hard times not only with my health declining but with worries about my kids.  

[Soror]

1 minute ago, TravelingChris said:

I am one whose desire did not change or maybe changed for more.  But I have a disease that really affects how it feels for me and that has become worse (Sjogren's which is an autoimmune disease primarily targeting the exocrine system which includes the vagina and and also the prostate in men.  I saw an ad for a dissolving lubricant and after I heal from the surgery, I may want to try that.  Because what used to work prior to menopause, no longer works.  And also, my libido is greatly influenced by how much steroids I am on.  When I feel better, I am more likely to want more.  Dh's libido has waned more with the years as mine has increased but it is all good. I am not looking for any other outlet or anything.  

Fingers crossed the lube works well. I don't know the details of your issues but we have had good luck with water based lube.

19 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm aware that it's a common experience, but in the last thread that I recall on this subject, there were a high number of posts that felt very shame-leaning to me towards women saying they had not experienced a lowering of drive. Very much emphasizing how abnormal that was. And it's like, look, I get that women who don't experience a lowering of drive may be getting held up by some to say that some specific woman shouldn't either. But just stop with the defensiveness and finger pointing. I'll totally have this conversation with my friends. When I've seen it happen on the boards, I've seen it turn very uncomfortable from both ends.

I've not seen threads shaming people for having too much sex drive, I must of missed those. There is no room for shame when it comes to people's sex lives. It is very personal and subjective and no one else's thoughts or opinions really matter. I'm not sharing such details on an open message board for the world to see as it is not relevant to anyone else.

I certainly was not advocating for any sort of shaming. I just wanted to clarify, that while normal is not a term I care for, it should be noted that changes in hormones commonly cause a lowering of libido. That of course, does not mean always, or imply any sort of judgement for those not affected. Some women, although far less common, will end up with a higher drive. Peri and meno can cause absolutely monumental changes and is far too often not really discussed at all or dismissed.