Brewing tEa

[JustEm]

I certainly recall at least one thread where younger people with high libidos were being talked down on as if they just didn't realize that it was inevitable that for women the drive wouldn't last.

[1234]

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

I'm impressed that you managed 3-4/wk during covid. Covid with older kids home ALL THE TIME was the worst. Such a drag on my sx life.

Dh and I usually wake around six and our dc barely wake around 9 with alarms blaring, so I guess we’re lucky in that regard. 

[TABmom]

1 hour ago, Joker2 said:

Dh and I usually wake around six and our dc barely wake around 9 with alarms blaring, so I guess we’re lucky in that regard. 

You ARE lucky! Kids being awake definitely impacts things here. They are awake at night and in the morning!!

[Ausmumof3]

3 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Yes, the intimacy can be very comforting. Definitely a thing.

Similar after trauma I think for some people. It’s a way of checking in that you’re still alive and still here.

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, TABmom said:

You ARE lucky! Kids being awake definitely impacts things here. They are awake at night and in the morning!!

Yeah, we quit caring. The kids tell funny stories about sounds they heard. To me, they should know sex is a normal part of marriage. They can stay in the playroom and turn up the volume. 

[hippymamato3]

32 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, we quit caring. The kids tell funny stories about sounds they heard. To me, they should know sex is a normal part of marriage. They can stay in the playroom and turn up the volume. 

OMG I could NEVER handle that. 

[Catwoman]

21 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

OMG I could NEVER handle that. 

Same here! I would be mortified both as the kid and as the parent! 

[TexasProud]

37 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Same here! I would be mortified both as the kid and as the parent! 

Well, when your adult children don't go to bed until after midnight, what in the heck are you supposed to do????  Tell them to go to their own bedrooms and stay there at 9 when we go to bed???  The kitchen is right by our bedroom.  I try to be quiet, but I just quit being embarrassed. I wish we had a lot more tea than we did, but I refused to be celibate. Having tEA a couple of times a month is not too much to ask. I refuse to apologize. 

[TABmom]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, we quit caring. The kids tell funny stories about sounds they heard. To me, they should know sex is a normal part of marriage. They can stay in the playroom and turn up the volume. 

Well, on one hand, we DO brew tea while the kids are awake. But, it is more inhibited than it is when we have an empty house. I'm sure my kids will someday realize why our door was locked and we yelled at them to go away. And when we do have an empty house.... Well, that's fun.

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, TABmom said:

Well, on one hand, we DO brew tea while the kids are awake. But, it is more inhibited than it is when we have an empty house. I'm sure my kids will someday realize why our door was locked and we yelled at them to go away. And when we do have an empty house.... Well, that's fun.

Yes, ours was inhibited as well. I thought I was being quiet.  Apparently not though, according to the stories the kids tell.  Yes, much better when we had the empty nest.

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, we quit caring. The kids tell funny stories about sounds they heard. To me, they should know sex is a normal part of marriage. They can stay in the playroom and turn up the volume. 

I had so many friends in highschool who thought their parents did not brew tea and were disgusted by the thought.  I always thought it was weird because I knew my parents did and felt the thought of thinking they didn't was odd.

But I have the same feeling as you. If they hear us, oh well. 

[TABmom]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Well, when your adult children don't go to bed until after midnight, what in the heck are you supposed to do????  Tell them to go to their own bedrooms and stay there at 9 when we go to bed???  The kitchen is right by our bedroom.  I try to be quiet, but I just quit being embarrassed. I wish we had a lot more tea than we did, but I refused to be celibate. Having tEA a couple of times a month is not too much to ask. I refuse to apologize. 

Adults would be different, my kids are between 7 and 14. And a couple times a month is NOT too much to ask. We have (quiet) tea way more often than that. Honestly,if my kids were adults, I would tell them that dad and I were having an at home date night and they needed to make themselves scarce for a few hours! Honestly, when my oldest can drive, I will be paying him to take the youngers to the movies regularly!

[Sneezyone]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, we quit caring. The kids tell funny stories about sounds they heard. To me, they should know sex is a normal part of marriage. They can stay in the playroom and turn up the volume. 

We were driving back from FL and stopped at a diner. DH got up to go to the bathroom and DS seized the opportunity to ask..."So, umm, Mom, are you feeling OK because it sounded like you were hurt last night." DD slapped her forehead and rolled her eyes. I busted out laughing just as DH returned. I had to text him the exchange. He was mortified. DD just said, "Dude, I'll tell you later." DD has informed me on prior occasions that we are not quiet. Oh well. 

Edited December 14, 2021 by Sneezyone

[TexasProud]

Just now, Sneezyone said:

We were driving back from FL and stopped at a diner. DH got up to go to the bathroom and DS seized the opportunity to ask..."So, umm, Mom, are you feeling OK because it sounded like you were hurt last night." DD slapped her forehead and rolled her eyes. I busted out laughing just as DH returned. I had to text him the exchange. He was mortified. DD just said, "Dude, I'll tell you later." 

Yeah, that was a similar exchange we had. My daughter asked if I was ok, and asked if daddy was giving me a massage. ( Because my daughter and I trade massages and we will moan.)  I told her yes.   Somehow when the boys were home, that came up and they died laughing.  So that is a code word now.  "Do we need to turn up the tv, so you can get a massage?" they will tease. 

[Melissa in Australia]

one of my children once looked  up owl sounds 

😳

 

[WildflowerMom]

Just now, Melissa in Australia said:

one of my children once looked  up owl sounds 

😳

 

OMG, I just woke up my dog. 😆😆😆

[Slache]

3 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

one of my children once looked  up owl sounds 

😳

 

Does this mean DH does something wrong, or something right?

[JustEm]

When my oldest was significantly younger he banged on our door and asked my dh to stop tickling me because it woke him up. We couldn't stop laughing. I think he's old enough now to know not to knock on the locked door unless it is very important

[Catwoman]

31 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Well, when your adult children don't go to bed until after midnight, what in the heck are you supposed to do????  Tell them to go to their own bedrooms and stay there at 9 when we go to bed???  The kitchen is right by our bedroom.  I try to be quiet, but I just quit being embarrassed. I wish we had a lot more tea than we did, but I refused to be celibate. Having tEA a couple of times a month is not too much to ask. I refuse to apologize. 

Wow, no need to get defensive! Yikes!

Who asked you to apologize?

I just said that I would be mortified if I'd heard my parents, and I would also be mortified and embarrassed if my kid heard me. You are free to feel any way you'd like about it. 

[TexasProud]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Wow, no need to get defensive! Yikes!

Who asked you to apologize?

I just said that I would be mortified if I'd heard my parents, and I would also be mortified and embarrassed if my kid heard me. You are free to feel any way you'd like about it. 

Sorry. Thought you were judging me. That I was bad for doing that.

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Sorry. Thought you were judging me. That I was bad for doing that.

No problem at all! I'm sorry if you thought I was judging you!!! 🙂 

[Katy]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sure that is even helpful though.  My dss25 lived with his girlfriend, she got pregnant, then they got married.  No tEa after that.  

Scarlett I think your DSS's marriage might be an outlier.  Mostly because based on other posts I don't think DIL actually wanted to be married at all.  Certainly she hasn't made the choices that someone who wanted to be married would want.  At least if I have the story straight about an affair.

Of course maybe hormonal, financial, living, and pandemic situations also factored into that.

[hippymamato3]

8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sure that is even helpful though.  My dss25 lived with his girlfriend, she got pregnant, then they got married.  No tEa after that.  

No tEa after marriage?

[Syllieann]

@Terabith is your friend concerned that tea is too often or too infrequent?  There are a lot of mental health (and physical) that could make it less often.  The only thing I can think of that would be concerning about too often is perhaps manic episodes in a bipolar person.

[Terabith]

Just now, Syllieann said:

@Terabith is your friend concerned that tea is too often or too infrequent?  There are a lot of mental health (and physical) that could make it less often.  The only thing I can think of that would be concerning about too often is perhaps manic episodes in a bipolar person.

I think he's wanting it multiple times a day, which is way more often than she wants tea, but she feels awful turning him down and rejecting him. 

[Syllieann]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think he's wanting it multiple times a day, which is way more often than she wants tea, but she feels awful turning him down and rejecting him. 

I'm glad she has you to talk with.  It sounds stressful.  I hope the thread gives her some insight.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Terabith said:

I think he's wanting it multiple times a day, which is way more often than she wants tea, but she feels awful turning him down and rejecting him. 

Um. She is good to turn down multiple times a day if she does not want multiple times a day. Her dh will live and she should not feel bad in the slightest. 

 

[Catwoman]

7 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think he's wanting it multiple times a day, which is way more often than she wants tea, but she feels awful turning him down and rejecting him. 

Why would she feel awful about turning him down? Why does she believe that her feelings don’t matter?

[Guest]

15 hours ago, regentrude said:

Since the tea frequency preferences can change dramatically during life, figuring out compatibility gives you only one data point. Just because a person is very much into tea at age 20 does not guarantee they won't lose any interest in tea whatsoever at age 35.

Yes. And actually, I have come to think it hardly matters what your mate was like when you got married. My dh is different in many fundamental ways and I am too. We are both different than we were in our twenties. So other than certain fundamental things which rarely change, like not being a felon, or thinking we should not harm others, mariage is a bit like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. 

[marbel]

8 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Um. She is good to turn down multiple times a day if she does not want multiple times a day. Her dh will live and she should not feel bad in the slightest. 

 

 

8 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Why would she feel awful about turning him down? Why does she believe that her feelings don’t matter?

She said upthread there is mental illness in the picture. I don't know if that means the friend is afraid for her safety if she turns him down, or what. But it doesn't sound like a matter of just saying no and expecting him to understand/work it out with her. 

OP, I hope your friend is getting some help with this. 

I knew a guy once who, in order to feel loved, had to brew multiple times a day. He had and lost several nice women in his life because of his demands. At some point he recognized his problem and got help for it and was able to change. He wasn't mentally ill I don't think, just extremely insecure and teA was the way he felt secure in the relationship. 

[Scarlett]

11 hours ago, Katy said:

Scarlett I think your DSS's marriage might be an outlier.  Mostly because based on other posts I don't think DIL actually wanted to be married at all.  Certainly she hasn't made the choices that someone who wanted to be married would want.  At least if I have the story straight about an affair.

Of course maybe hormonal, financial, living, and pandemic situations also factored into that.

Yes, I agree.  But the point remains that people put one version of themselves forward and then after marriage it is entirely different.  I agree though that she was never marriage material.  Dss20 told us that before she even got pregnant....that she had already cheated on dss25.  So yeah, that is just a bad start all the way around..

10 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

No tEa after marriage?

Not with dss25 if he is to be believed. And I have no reason to not believe him.  I didn't ask any questions because it was more info than I wanted anyway.  

[HS Mom in NC]

10 hours ago, Terabith said:

I think he's wanting it multiple times a day, which is way more often than she wants tea, but she feels awful turning him down and rejecting him. 

Again, she needs to talk to a therapist that specializes in his type of mental illness. She needs knowledgeable advice on how to handle this.  If she thinks turning down multiple times a day is a problem, she has significant issues that need dealing with too.  She needs to understand this is urgent.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

If you ask DH, tEa SHOULD happen 6 or 7 times a week.  Or more. And that it only happens about once every five months. 

In reality it’s a couple times a week if the kids go to bed early.  He has a higher TeA drive but doesn’t bug me about it. 
 

I agree your friend needs a skilled therapist to walk her through this.

Edited December 14, 2021 by Mrs Tiggywinkle