Would you remarry if you found yourself single?

[Jann in TX]

I probably would if a special person came around-- I like having a life partner.  I'm sure that DH would as well.  We have been married 36+ years.

My parents were together since they were 11 and 13... married 25 years when my mother died of breast cancer.  My dad remarried 9 months later (she was a widow).  Neither was actively looking- but they had so much in common--including loss... it just happened.  They have now been married 35 years.

My FIL remarried about a year after DH's step mother passed (married to FIL for 35 years)...he was in his late 80's... he and his current wife (a recent widow) needed a life partner... they are so sweet together.

[HS Mom in NC]

I like being married.  I can see myself married again if I'm widowed, but OY! the idea of dating again!?!? That's sooooo scary! 

I totally get matchmaking.  I wish it were a thing here in the West where serious minded, honest people could make list of reasonable non-negotiables and interests so a skilled matchmaker could arrange for like-minded people to meet for dates where discussing goals and preferences was expected and normalized. If I had... say...4 or 5 people who fit my criteria we could meet up one on one and interact to get a sense of whether or not we have chemistry, that would be doable. I know some dating websites claim to accomplish that, but I've heard stories...

Yes, I would want my spouse to remarry. I told him so when I had a very high risk pregnancy with my middle daughter. He's a person who does better in a marriage. He's an extreme introvert who thrives in a serious, intertwined relationship; he just needs a more emotionally independent personality type like me who doesn't need a lot of attention and hand holding.  He's an ISTJ and I'm an INTJ, so that combination works very well for us. I'm sure there are a couple of other personality types that would mesh well with him. 

[ScoutTN]

Yes, to the right man and after my kids are older. I really like the companionship, though I am comfortable being alone too. I was single until my mid 30’s. Btdt. I prefer being married.

I also saw my mom remarry in her 50’s, after being divorced for 20 years. My stepdad was the love of her life they were so happy together. 

I would want Dh to be happy, whatever that looks like in terms of marital status.

[Terabith]

If I found someone I loved and could get along with and who could put with me, yes.  I like companionship, and I'm an introvert but do better with a life partner.  

I don't know if my husband would, but I would be totally fine with him doing so.

[BlsdMama]

I wouldn’t unless my kids were much older. Too many creeps passing as nice guys these days. But, I’ll add that I sincerely hope my husband gets remarried after I pass and the sooner the better. He needs someone to help him take life less seriously and laugh. 

[JustEm]

Another Hive topic that sparked a great conversation with dh. We are the complete opposite. He said he'd remarry if he found a woman who loved the kids enough to help take care of them but if the kids were older probably wouldn't. Whereas I said I'd more likely wait until the kids were older .

[Shoeless]

No to marriage. I'd be open to having a boyfriend, but I doubt I'd marry again. 

[Scarlett]

Ok y’all.. Dh just said he thinks he would not marry again.  I said, but you wanted to marry after your divorce.  He says, ‘ I had kids. Hello. ‘.   
 

lol……we then go to ‘ooooh you wanted a mother to your children!’  At which point he began back peddling.

 

[lauraw4321]

Heck no. But I would want Dh to marry someone who loves my girls. 

[Murphy101]

Idk.

I guess if I found a Catholic guy with a lot less baggage than me - maybe?  Not sure those exist.

I’ve seen older women doing okay solo then remarry and end up really bad off financially. I’d be really worried about that.

I would really like sharing my life with someone every day though. You know the little stuff like buying groceries and eating dinner together. Chatting about mundane boring stuff about our day.  Traveling together would be great.  He’d have to get along with all my kids.  Not best buddies requirement.  But I think my kids would be okay with the right guy.

BUT. My girlfriends and I have a half joking plan that when our husbands die we are moving in together until we have to go to the same nursing home.

[Murphy101]

57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Ok y’all.. Dh just said he thinks he would not marry again.  I said, but you wanted to marry after your divorce.  He says, ‘ I had kids. Hello. ‘.   
 

lol……we then go to ‘ooooh you wanted a mother to your children!’  At which point he began back peddling.

 

Then there’s me. Even with 6 kids being adults now, there’s still FIVE here. What man who enjoys any financial stability would ever take me on a second date after THAT info came out?! LOL

[Moonhawk]

I think I'm all spent up as a partner, I just don't think I'm good marriage material anymore. And, I like my own company, I don't see myself seeking out companionship that doesn't expect a few weeks of silence between meetings.

But, love can strike at any moment, even if you aren't looking for it, and I'd be a fool to think for sure I could resist going all in. I'd probably dip my toe in the water and say, "Oh, no, too cold for me" and then be diving in the deep end 5 minutes later, lol. 

[DawnM]

I have no idea.   It would take someone VERY special to sway me into marrying again.   And I would have to know the well in order to trust that they would be a good match.  

 

[historically accurate]

My mom actually brought this up last night on the phone (I didn't ask - she just started in on the topic). She's been a widow for almost 16 years. She said she doesn't ever plan to re-marry, but she is planning on having my aunt (who currently lives by me) move in with her after my uncle dies. Since their other sister lives less than 3 miles away, I guess they're going to do the sister-thing after my uncles (both of whom are in poor health) pass. 

[Harriet Vane]

No.

I'll get a dog. 

I might consider being roommates with my besties like the Golden Girls.

[Insertcreativenamehere]

Nope. I have a disabled child who will likely need care for the rest of his life and I can't imagine who would want to take that on. I'll have him and a cat. 

[Ditto]

No, I would not remarry.    Once is enough for me--been there, done that, have the scars to show for it.

[Condessa]

My dad is in estate law.  According to him, most people think they will not remarry.  Women usually don’t.  Men usually do.

[Murphy101]

29 minutes ago, Condessa said:

My dad is in estate law.  According to him, most people think they will not remarry.  Women usually don’t.  Men usually do.

What I have seen is men want a care giver. They usually want someone 10 years or so younger than them with few to now health problems and no other care giver demands on them. A wife is cheaper and preferred to a nursing home.  And hey I’m not judging bc their reasoning isn’t all that flawed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

34 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

What I have seen is men want a care giver. They usually want someone 10 years or so younger than them with few to now health problems and no other care giver demands on them. A wife is cheaper and preferred to a nursing home.  And hey I’m not judging bc their reasoning isn’t all that flawed.

I  know a nurse who married a patient who is 20 years older than her.  He wanted a caregiver.  She wanted financial security.  They are both in love with each other and are very happy. 

[Spryte]

I honestly don’t know. I met and fell in love with DH at 16.  We were apart for a lot of the time till we got married (college, careers, travel - we both needed to grow up first), 11 years later, but he was always my gold standard. He still is. 

 

 

[hippymamato3]

No. There was no one worse than my first husband and there is no one better than my second. I'd live with those memories and make a life not surrounding marriage if it came to that. 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I would. DH and I are unequally yoked and the older we get the more pronounced our differences. Lots of baggage here. If I were to find myself divorced or widowed, I would want to find a husband (or at least a partner) with similar education/interests to share life. I often daydream of what it would be like to live with someone more compatible.

Unfortunately, my current marriage and life choices have left me financially dependent on my DH. I will not have any social security or retirement of my own if we divorce. I also have no wealthy relations who will bequeath an inheritance. I really doubt there will be anyone willing to enter into a relationship with someone without any financial resources of her own.

I would want DH to remarry. He deserves to have a partner who would show him love, affection, and care. He would flourish with someone who shared his interests. I would hope he would choose someone who would love our children and grandchildren.

My mother never remarried after my father passed away 20 years ago. She has lived a lonely life with few financial resources. My siblings and I encouraged her to date and find someone. She would rather go to garage sales/resale shops and read books. I don't want to become my mom: wandering around a too big house with no one to talk to and filling the rooms with stuff that means nothing. (Not saying this happens to everyone.)

[Not_a_Number]

2 hours ago, Condessa said:

My dad is in estate law.  According to him, most people think they will not remarry.  Women usually don’t.  Men usually do.

That doesn't seem to work out, mathematically, given the roughly equal numbers of men and women 😛 . 

[hippymamato3]

23 hours ago, saraha said:

It depends I think. If I were single because of divorce, no. If I were widowed, maaaayyyybbbbbeeeee

Just curious - why the different answers depending on how you became single?

[Danae]

4 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

That doesn't seem to work out, mathematically, given the roughly equal numbers of men and women 😛 . 

As you get into the ages where spouses dying is more common the numbers are not roughly equal.

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Danae said:

As you get into the ages where spouses dying is more common the numbers are not roughly equal.

True, although it's still roughly equal at age 70. 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I  know a nurse who married a patient who is 20 years older than her.  He wanted a caregiver.  She wanted financial security.  They are both in love with each other and are very happy. 

Okay? I didn’t say I judged it negatively. I know that’s often how it works out.  Like I said. It’s not an entirely flawed idea. The major flaw being that the kids often don’t take well to it and they can make that woman’s life a living hell. 

[Murphy101]

18 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

Just curious - why the different answers depending on how you became single?

Most widows had happy marriages and often remarry hoping for that again.

Divorce - There’s a LOT of baggage with exes that adds a lot of additional stress to the new marriage. There’s a reason second marriages after divorce have an even higher divorce rate.  I wouldn’t do that either. I’ve just not seen enough happy results to want to risk it. 

[Paige]

24 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

That doesn't seem to work out, mathematically, given the roughly equal numbers of men and women 😛 . 

My aunt died when my uncle was about 60 and he said that as soon as he went anywhere in town after her funeral he was accosted by multiple interested women. He said they were waiting for him everywhere- at the grocery store, post office, restaurants- he never ate alone even if he wanted to. He was not a wealthy man but was stable and secure, decent looking, and in relatively good health. He was remarried within a year and they seemed happy. Single older men don't have to look for new relationships- the demographics are skewed so that the women who do want relationships find them!

Now that I think about it, my other uncle remarried quickly too! And while DH's grandfather didn't remarry, he lived in a close relationship with a female friend not long after his wife passed. I can't think of any completely single older men in my very large family. Most of the single/widowed women never even dated again. 

[BlsdMama]

2 hours ago, Condessa said:

My dad is in estate law.  According to him, most people think they will not remarry.  Women usually don’t.  Men usually do.

Lol, then who do the men marry? 😉 

[Jean in Newcastle]

21 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Okay? I didn’t say I judged it negatively. I know that’s often how it works out.  Like I said. It’s not an entirely flawed idea. The major flaw being that the kids often don’t take well to it and they can make that woman’s life a living hell. 

Why so prickly?  I just shared an anecdote of someone I knew.  It wasn't some sort of rebuttal. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, Seasider too said:

Sounds like they entered that relationship with eyes wide open! That’s the important thing. 

Yes, wide open.  My friend (who is the wife) had a lot of negative pushback from some friends.  She was happy that I didn't judge her. 

Her grown children were 100% supportive.  Most of his grown children have been supportive - one has not and has given her a lot of grief. 

It's not an arrangement that I personally would want but she's been very happy with it.  And it helps that despite being 20 years older and her meeting him when he was ill, he's been in vigorous health most of the time of their marriage (about 8 years now I think).  They do a lot of traveling together. 

[Murphy101]

28 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Why so prickly?  I just shared an anecdote of someone I knew.  It wasn't some sort of rebuttal. 

 It’s been a rough ride on the forums the last week or so. Apologies for being prickly. 

[LucyStoner]

My MIL remarried right after her divorce.  The first marriage had been dead/bad for a long time and in some ways it felt that she stayed with him until she found someone else to be with.  Her second husband and her have been married for 20 years now.  

My parents were separated for a decade before my mom died and neither of them filed for divorce or remarried.  My dad briefly dated a woman after my mom died. I suspect that if my dad had more financial means, he likely would have remarried.  But old broke men aren't exactly good marriage material. 

[J-rap]

I'd consider it, but not for awhile.  My dh is my best friend and the love of my life and it would be hard for me to move on.  I'd want to spend some years alone figuring out life.  But I do love having a life partner, and I know my dh would be happy to see me happy and would support it.

If I died before my dh, I'd love for him to find someone to be his partner for the rest of his days.  I love him so much that I wouldn't want him to spend his days alone if he didn't want to.  But actually, I think he would choose to never marry again.

[Resilient]

The  mid- or later-life second marriages that have failed (the ones I know about) have had one thing in common: the adult children opposed the marriage.  I don't think any of them sundered the marriage, because all the adult children came to the rescue without recrimination when things blew up and got the parent put back together in every way possible.

There might be some wisdom in listening to adults who know you well if you take on a second marriage. Of course, YMMV because all the relationships involved will vary.  

Edited July 28, 2021 by Resilient

[SquirrellyMama]

No, nope, nooooooo. Like someone else said, I'd get a dog. Well, another dog 🙂

Kelly

[SeaConquest]

On 7/27/2021 at 10:10 AM, MEmama said:

I can’t see myself in another heteronormative marriage, no. I have no interest in that at all. Were I to find myself single at this point, I would view it as an opportunity to live my “parallel life” instead, not necessarily alone but almost certainly not with another man. 

I am with you. I seriously doubt I would marry another man, but I could see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman if DH kicked the bucket. A hot doctor would be cool. 😁

[saraha]

8 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

Just curious - why the different answers depending on how you became single?

My reason not to remarry if we divorced is scriptural, but also practical. If we divorced, it means one of us has undergone some kind of major personal change, and that would be traumatic. Between the baggage of that and with having kids, I would just rather not complicate my life any further. If I were widowed, I am free to remarry scripturally, and my kids would probably be grown, so my life would be less complicated, but I’m not sure at that point I would want to be hitching myself up again just as I was getting a taste of autonomy 

Edited July 29, 2021 by saraha

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

No. There was no one worse than my first husband and there is no one better than my second. I'd live with those memories and make a life not surrounding marriage if it came to that. 

This is me exactly. 

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, saraha said:

My reason not to remarry if we divorced is scriptural, but also practical. If we divorced, it means one of us has undergone some kind of major personal change, and that would be traumatic. Between the baggage of that and with having kids, I would just rather not complicate my life any further. If I were widowed, I am free to remarry scripturally, and my kids would probably be grown, so my life would be less complicated, but I’m not sure at that point I would want to be hitching myself up again just as I was getting a taste of autonomy 

Just curious is there any circumstance that you would be free to remarry if divorced?

[saraha]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Just curious is there any circumstance that you would be free to remarry if divorced?

Keep in mind these are my personal beliefs and I don’t impose them on anyone else, what ever decisions anyone else makes are between them and God and none of my or anyone else’s business. 

Adultery or abandonment are the only reasons Jesus gives in the New Testament. It doesn’t mean those are the only reasons to get divorced, just the only reasons to be free to remarry. That and widowed. But realistically, I don’t think I would remarry because if my not hypothetical husband and I got divorced there would have had to be some extreme personality/belief system change and to work through that, I would need to be able to focus on myself and my kids. I believe that Jesus’s teachings on this are in both the vein of honoring our commitment to God and our spouse and rooted in practicality, just like all those Old Testament laws about being clean were God’s way of protecting his people from germs and diseases before they could comprehend germs and diseases. If my husband were abusive to me or my children, yup I would divorce him in a heart beat. but I would have so much trauma to work through to heal us from that, that finding someone to remarry could impede, hamper or distract from that process of healing and open us up to more abuse, so not remarrying makes  practical sense. Jesus’s wisdom in this helps to protect us. There are some who believe if the husband decides to remarry after a divorce that is not the result of the wife abandoning or cheating, that constitutes abandonment and the wife is then free to remarry. I can see that logic.

Does that make sense?

[Eos]

No.  No romance, no tea, and perfectly happy with that.

 

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, saraha said:

Keep in mind these are my personal beliefs and I don’t impose them on anyone else, what ever decisions anyone else makes are between them and God and none of my or anyone else’s business. 

Adultery or abandonment are the only reasons Jesus gives in the New Testament. It doesn’t mean those are the only reasons to get divorced, just the only reasons to be free to remarry. That and widowed. But realistically, I don’t think I would remarry because if my not hypothetical husband and I got divorced there would have had to be some extreme personality/belief system change and to work through that, I would need to be able to focus on myself and my kids. I believe that Jesus’s teachings on this are in both the vein of honoring our commitment to God and our spouse and rooted in practicality, just like all those Old Testament laws about being clean were God’s way of protecting his people from germs and diseases before they could comprehend germs and diseases. If my husband were abusive to me or my children, yup I would divorce him in a heart beat. but I would have so much trauma to work through to heal us from that, that finding someone to remarry could impede, hamper or distract from that process of healing and open us up to more abuse, so not remarrying makes  practical sense. Jesus’s wisdom in this helps to protect us. There are some who believe if the husband decides to remarry after a divorce that is not the result of the wife abandoning or cheating, that constitutes abandonment and the wife is then free to remarry. I can see that logic.

Does that make sense?

Yes.  Thank you.  I believe mostly that way. Except not that abandonment frees you scripturally.  In a practical sense it seems most spouses who abandon their mate also go on to commit adultery.  Not always.  I know at least 3 or 4 off the top of my head that have been divorced for a long time with no scriptural grounds (so  no remarriage).

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, saraha said:

But realistically, I don’t think I would remarry because if my not hypothetical husband and I got divorced there would have had to be some extreme personality/belief system change and to work through that,

And this is the reason I wanted to remarry.  I was married for 26 years and it was not great most of the time. So I had already worked through all of that....grieved that married so to speak.  

With dh.....I feel like what you described above.  If he cheated on me or became abusive I think he would have had to lost his mind completely....I am certainly not prepared for that!

[Condessa]

21 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Lol, then who do the men marry? 😉 

I think it is often younger women, not older widows.

[Condessa]

22 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

That doesn't seem to work out, mathematically, given the roughly equal numbers of men and women 😛 . 

His experience is specifically with the demographic that is in need of very specialized high-end estate planning.  There are many women outside the same demographic/widowed group to draw from.

[frogger]

22 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

That doesn't seem to work out, mathematically, given the roughly equal numbers of men and women 😛 . 

Does it? The life expectancy of a man is less than a woman and from what I can see men who do get through their 60's and 70's live well into their 90's dragging the average up. That is just my observation. I'm too lazy to look anything up but I would not be surprised that their are more older widows than widowers.

[Condessa]

23 hours ago, Seasider too said:

A social worker once told me that men (she was talking about the 65-75yo age range) are known for more actively seeking to remarry, and that they often specifically look for women who are (1) about 10 years younger than they are, and (2) in possession of a home and/or other assets. She told me it was a regular scenario in crisis level elder care situations to find the women emotionally, physically and financially depleted from the caregiving their “new” husbands required. Of course I am not generalizing about *all* older men, but I witnessed it first hand in a relative’s situation. The SW commented that these men often have adult children who have had to go no contact earlier in life, so there knew they would have no care from their own children as they grew old and infirm.

So that’s one more thing to put on your potential second husband list, ladies: check out his relationships with his own grown kids. And don’t just take his word for whatever happened to estrange them. 

I will say there’s nothing wrong with second marriages and older spouses caring for one another. Just go into it with eyes wide open and a plan for meeting elder care needs without throwing a spouse under the bus. 
 

@Murphy101we were typing at the same time 😁

I don’t doubt this is a real problem, but I don’t think this is the issue with the people my dad works with.  They have significant assets and affording care as they age isn’t a concern.  But with no financial incentives to remarry, most of the women do not and most of the men do.

 Maybe it’s related to natural human tendencies in relationships across various societies through history towards either monogamy or polygamy, but hardly ever has their been a society that regularly engaged in polyandry.  There seem to be many women on this thread in loving, committed relationships saying they wouldn’t marry again.  Not because they are unhappy with marriage in general, but they have already done that, already committed to one relationship, and have no inclination to repeat that process.  Is there a generally stronger tendency among human males to form multiple attachments/relationships in their lifetimes, and a generally stronger tendency among females to form only one?