What if, your spouse was giving you something for Christmas you do not want, and it is expensive

[Janeway]

My husband went shopping for me. For some reason, he activated what he bought me today using my apple ID, which happens to be the same ID he uses. We use the same Apple ID, we have for years. This sent an alert to my phone about it and I quickly became aware that my Apple ID had just been used to set up a new Apple watch. At first, I thought it said iphone, but then when I looked closer, it said it has "watch OS" on my icloud. 

 

Thing is..so many things, so I am a bit shocked he bought this. 1) we have a rule against spending over a certain amount, even if for gifts, unless we agree on it together. This violates that.  2) I have a ton of anxiety over spending. I feel like being frugal is why we make it when husband gets laid off. He is a software engineer so lays off happen. He has been laid off two times in the last two years.  3) I have arthritis. It hurts my wrists. They will get swollen and red and hurt a lot from time to time.   4) I mentioned to him a couple days ago that I would maybe like a watch EXACTLY like the one I had when we dated, just to be like when we dated. I even told him the brand name and tried to look at similar watches of the same brand but then told him I did not really want one, especially if it was not going to be the same. 

 

My husband is very giddy. I don't know if I should say it is okay and swallow my anxiety (I do have anxiety over this. This sort of thing causes me a lot of anxiety) and go with it. Or what. I tried to hint around in a way that would come off like I have no clue earlier. Like..I started to say .."you know, I have a list of things I would love to have for Christmas, on my computer, if you would like me to tell you some of the things" and then I started to list "a globe, but an ordinary one, not one that lights up or is electronic or anything" and then "you know, I really thought I might like a watch, that is why I was looking at them, but when I tried them on, I realized they would likely make my arthritis much worse. I don't hurt all the time, but when it flares up, I hurt a lot and worry it would make me flare more and I wouldn't be able to wear when I am flaring." .....but it was clear that he was still giddy. He has no idea that I had received a notice of a watching being activated. I figure it would be easier to convince him I do not want a watch before he gives it to me than it would be to tell him after he gives it that I do not want it. 

 

I feel like a rotten person. He is so happy. And he wants me to have this. I will not say "he works hard so he should get to spend it how he wants" because fact is, lots of people work hard and don't have the money to spend how they want. That smacks me in my face and makes me feel extreme guilt over spending. If he died next year, I would feel rotten for turning away a gift. And a lot of people have died in my life lately. I do not know what to do! 

 

Edited December 24, 2018 by Janeway

[Scarlett]

Be honest and kind. 

[Janeway]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Be honest and kind. 

I added the details. I flubbed it the first time. Sorry.

[klmama]

You're making an assumption about how much he spent on it.  Maybe it was a fabulous deal, and that's part of why he's giddy.  

Your arthritis isn't flaring all the time.  If it's not, you could wear it then.  If it is painful to wear it during flares, then don't wear it then.  It's like any other watch that way, right?  He'll understand.   

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Try it.  If he got the small one, it is not heavy on the wrist at all, feels like a normal watch. .  DH got me one last year and honestly, I didn’t want it but tried it out.  I love it and am very happy he got it. You can do a lot with it and don’t have to wear it when you are flaring. 

[MercyA]

Before I was on OCD meds, I hurt my husband by rejecting a rather expensive gift he had bought me because it caused me anxiety. People are more important than things. My advice is to be gracious, be thankful he loves you, and let him be giddy. :) 

[Arcadia]

My husband bought me a Samsung galaxy watch. I am treating it like a life alert because I can program it to dial someone or the police using the emergency call button press. I also thought it was rather costly for my birthday present (December) but I find it useful to get notifications and send a short text without digging into my bag for my phone. My current phone is my husband’s old iPhone 7 Plus and it’s too big and heavy to hang round my neck unlike my old iPhone SE.  The smartwatch is certainly lighter than the smartphone which I really appreciate. I already had two iPhones died so if this one dies too, I am switching to android which is why I didn’t want an Apple Watch even though there is a sale going on for series 3.

I would accept the gift though especially if you are going to continue to stay with iPhones. 

[Mergath]

You can actually get special wristbands for smart watches that have therapeutic magnets built in (not just a magnetic clasp) and can (from what people say) improve arthritis. And there are so many different kinds of wristbands out there that I'd bet you can find at least one that will be comfortable for you.

[Robin M]

It is a gift from your husband and he put a lot of thought into it and he is happy to buy you a nice gift.   The gift is from his heart to your heart.  I learned long ago to accept my husband’s gift unconditionally because he hates shopping, so anything he does get, he has made a big effort to find something he thinks will please me.  Over the years, when we have discussed gifts, I’ve gently lead him away from buying me more jewelry into other areas such as books and such.  I’m sure he will also understand your not wearing it all time when you have pain issues.  

Accept it and try not to worry about the rest.  Hugs! 😘

[Chris in VA]

I understand. I really do. My husband remounted my engagement ring after I had broken it, and I didn't really like it at all. I wanted one exactly the same and this band was thicker and felt clunky. I didn't tell him, because hey, he'd thought it so important for me to have that ring, that meant so much and I hadn't been wearing, that he went to the trouble of getting it done. 

It is healthy that you recognize you have anxiety. I do, too.

Now--give your husband a gift--the gift of you unselfishly refusing to indulge your anxiety and accepting his gift graciously. There will be other gifts, other Christmases, if you are blessed with time together. Make this a GOOD memory by doing this little thing for HIM. 

And if it does hurt you and you find you can't wear it, along about March, maybe...lol...You can always say, "Honey, it was so nice of you to show you love me with such an extravagant gift. I am finding I can't use it the way it should be used--how would you feel if we returned it and I got something else?" 

[Beth S]

Yes, please-please-please smile when you open it, in a genuine way.
This really, really has helped me see how I need to react, if I'm surprised like this on Christmas morning.

I would want it to bond us together, not created a Christmas morning disagreement.

Thank you so much for preparing ME!  (I would have a very similar reaction.)  😉

[May]

My DH can do the same thing. Years ago, he bought me a mothers ring, the kind with the birthstones of our daughters and ours. I’m not a jewelry person and the design wasn’t to my liking either. It was ridiculous expensive, I pay the bills and saw the charge😳I know he bought it because he loves me and I accepted it graciously because I love him. I do wear it on occasion and he always notices and comments. Please accept it in this same spirit, one of love. May your Christmas be filled with peace and joy🎄

[marbel]

Yep, agree with the others, accept the watch gracefully.  You may find you really like it, My husband has bought a few way-too-expensive gifts for me. It annoys me in the moment. But then I get over it.  

Consider it an additional gift that you already know what it is. Then you won't be caught by surprise when you open it and have an immediate negative reaction. You've gotten that out of your system.  

[lmrich]

I think there is a pretty good return window. Try it, see if you like it. If after a few weeks it really isn't for you, then you graciously tell him. But when you open it, you are thrilled. 

Remember it is the thought that counts - and he sounds thoughtful. 

[QueenCat]

10 hours ago, klmama said:

You're making an assumption about how much he spent on it.  Maybe it was a fabulous deal, and that's part of why he's giddy.  

Your arthritis isn't flaring all the time.  If it's not, you could wear it then.  If it is painful to wear it during flares, then don't wear it then.  It's like any other watch that way, right?  He'll understand.   

 

 

This! He could have gotten a deal. Maybe he saved some money on the side. Be happy, he is very excited about getting you something special. Appreciate it, don't say a word, and wear it when your arthritis isn't acting up. 

[City Mouse]

I think it is really too late now. Even if he "gets" your hint, he isn't left with much time to buy something else now.

Next year, don't just give hints. Be explicit. My DH likes to go a bit crazy at Christmas, but because my job situation has changed, I was not comfortable with that level of spending this year. I specifically asked him not not spend over xx amount to keep our whole Christmas budget at an amount I was comfortable with. He told me later that while he found it harder at first, he actually had fun looking for gifts in the price range. I also was very specific about a few things that I did not want him to get me. They were things that I liked and asked for in past years, but currently have enough of.

[PrincessMommy]

OMG!!  Our husband's must be related?!  I need to go back and read the responses more clearly.

 

 I just happened to see what I'm getting for Christmas.   I have an Amazon list that I pointedly told him about in Nov when he complained he didn't know what to get me for Christmas.  Not only is this not something on my list...it's not even something I want.   My phone cracked last month, but I'm a *Samsung* girl..... ugh.  I've only bought Samsung for the last 10yrs.    I keep thinking to myself that maybe it's a gag gift (I only saw the box).  But,  yeah, I'm vacillating between trying to put on a happy face and/or being honest that I don't want another brand of phone.   I mean, it's not like it's something small that I can play off.. it's something I will use all day, every day.   

I'm left feeling like an ungrateful wife.

Still hoping it's a gag box.  Please, God, let it be a gag box.  I'd be happy with a box of candles at this point.  

[SereneHome]

I disagree with the majority.  For a number of reasons.

Yes, I was in your situation once.  It wasn't a Christmas gift ( I don't know if that makes a difference to people).  My husband bought me something that he thought I really wanted.  1) - I didn't like it that particular item 2) no way under the sun we had money for it.  3) I would have to wear it daily if I kept it - something I didn't like

Under 99.99% of the circumstances I subscribe to the idea that the only correct way to react to a present is to smile and say "thank you".  But this is different.  Bc of the money.  Bc of who is giving the present.  Bc of the "regular usage" thing.

Be kind, be gracious.  But I don't think necessarily keep it

 

[Garga]

It sounds like you two have a long history of being responsible with money.  It doesn’t sound like he’s always off spending the money and blowing it on junk.  It sounds like he usually consults you with big purchases.

And you said a couple of times that he’s giddy.

For some reason he deviated from the norm and went above budget and is super excited to give this to you.  It sounds to me like he wants to please you very, very much.  At this point, since you have time to work on your expression and won’t be taken unawares, I think you should accept the gift graciously and kindly.  Don’t make Christmas a day of tension.  You’re allowed to gasp and say, “Oh Bernard! This is too much!  Isn’t this expensive?” And then let him comfort you and assure you that he really, really wanted to do this for you this one time.  And then just let him do it without making him feel bad about it.  

He loves you!

[Condessa]

Grin and bear it, then think of how kind and loving he was to give it to you and genuinely tell him how grateful you are for his kindness and generosity to you.

And you never know; he may have actually found it within the budget.  And you may wind up loving it way more than you think you will.  Years ago, I was shocked when dh gave me an iPad we could no way afford, which I figured I would mostly use for the kids.  Turns out, it was a return to the store with a torn box which they couldn’t put back out for normal sale again, and it was about $250 off.  And I loved it.

This Christmas I’m pretty sure my dh got me an ottoman which cost twice what I would have preferred the max for my gift be, we don’t have room for, and doesn’t have storage in it like I would really have liked.  But if I’m right, then oh well, it was really thoughtful—and he has all the essentials of husbanding right; what does it really matter if he struggles on the gift-giving front?

Edited December 24, 2018 by Michelle Conde

[QueenCat]

Honestly, I'd be hurt if my husband reacted in a negative to something that I was "giddy" about giving him.

[HS Mom in NC]

People are saying it's the thought that counts, but based on what I think I understand by reading the OP, it doesn't sound thoughtful to me.  Presents are not a special category where people can disregard what a recipient said and still be considered thoughtful.  I think you're stuck having to smile and say thank you when you get it.  The discussion about it should happen after the holiday season.

I know people who are all about sentimentalized gift giving have a very hard time with this, but if it was agreed upon beforehand not to spend more than a certain amount, including for gifts, then it's most certainly not OK to break the rule without a discussion that resulted in an agreement before spending the money.  I understand it's possible he didn't break the rule because he might have gotten a great deal within the agreed limits, my issue with it is only  IF he broke the rule. No rational, mature human being sets a limit for gifts but secretly hopes the limit is broken.

Loving someone means not causing them predictable anxiety for your own emotional high.  If spending has a history of causing her anxiety, it's not OK to spend a lot on a gift for her, assuming he has been told about her anxiety related to spending money or he has witnessed an anxious reaction to spending lots of money.  (IF he did spend lots, we don't know.)  It's like giving someone a fantastic cheese as a gift when you know the recipient has a history of dairy sensitivities. You may love the idea of giving a fantastic cheese, but the other person doesn't feel about cheese the way you do, the predictable resulting discomfort is not a kind thing to do to someone you love.  Better to ask them what they're comfortable with and work within that just like we ask people about dietary restrictions when we invite them to dinner. That's treating them with respect and kindness.

People who love surprises need to understand that not everyone else does.  IF she explicitly told him exactly what she wanted and then went on to say if it wasn't exactly that she'd rather not have it, then it's not OK to get her what she said she didn't want. What was the point of that?  Seriously, what exactly motivates someone to buy something someone explicitly said they didn't want?  If you had said, "I want to go out for pizza.  If it's not pizza, I'd rather stay home." then your husband drives you to a Mexican restaurant as a surprise so you don't have to cook, then it's a jerk move. If your kid said I want guitar lessons, and if it's not guitar, I'd rather not take music lessons, then you sign them up for voice lessons, it's mean. I know someone whose aunt called and asked what to get daughter for her birthday.  That someone said anything but a Barbie because Barbies weren't something she wanted promoted in her house.  Aunt brought a Barbie to the birthday party.  Just because it's a gift, doesn't mean it's automatically kind or respectful.

Throughout this next year, well before and between gift giving events, spell it out for him more than once. I'm not clear on how much of your feelings related to anxiety have been explicitly stated and demonstrated to him before he bought the watch.  You may have to talk to him like he has autism.  My brother matter of factly states to my nephew with autism things most people would pick up on non-verbally. Nephew needs someone to say so out loud, and the results are very good.  Nephew now knows and can act accordingly.  You'll also may need to have to have the "I'm not that woman" conversation.  I'm not that woman flattered by a gift that breaks our spending limits, so don't be tempted to do that. I'm not that woman who wants a surprise for it's own sake, so sticking to the list I have posted here is a guaranteed win for both of us and it's by far my preference.   I'm not that woman who says one thing but means another, so don't assume I secretly want you do things in a way other than I've spelled out. I'm not that woman who doesn't care which complex gadget you get-this is a tool for my life and I want to choose which tool best serves me, you wouldn't choose homeschool curriculum that I teach the kids without consulting me would you? Things like that.

[bolt.]

Wait for the whole story. Please. There is so much you don’t know. (For just one possibility, if he’s in IT, it honestly could have been free — a business gift or a holiday raffle. And there are dozens of other possibilities.)

Open the gift and have a nice moment if smiling, thanking, trying it on.

If something needs to be said, the 26th will be just fine. It really will. If you don’t want it after all (with all the information) at least give him a day before dealing with the practicalities of the situation. That’s fair, right?

[solascriptura]

Please consider his feelings in this. I suspect that he knew you wanted a simple watch, but would never spend the extra money on yourself for the upgrade (Apple watch).  Just that feeling that my dh wanted me to have something a bit more lavish or special would be enough for me.  If he's acting especially giddy, its because he's anticipating your happy reaction. 

[Lady Florida.]

I get it. My husband is not very good at choosing gifts for me - actually, that's being kind - he's terrible at it. In our 26 years together I can probably count on one hand the really great gifts he bought me that weren't something I suggested. Even when I tell him what I'd like he often chooses something completely different. I think he thinks it has more meaning if he came up with the idea himself. Most of the time he chooses something I not only didn't ask for, but something I truly didn't want or don't care for. It means a lot to him so I've learned to just smile and say thank you and act happy.

Which is what I recommend you do - smile, say thank you, act happy. I know the money part is anxiety causing but it sounds like he's really happy about his choice of gift for you. Give him the gift of letting him feel good about it. 

ETA: I also get the part about not giving certain gifts without a discussion. We decided on our first anniversary that instead of gifts every year we'd give each other time together. He still buys sometimes me an anniversary gift, though not every year.  I never know which year he'll get me something but when he does I feel like a heel for not getting him something, even though I'm the one sticking to our agreement.

This is obviously something your husband thinks you'll love so as others said, consider his feelings and don't make him feel hurt on Christmas.

Edited December 24, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[BakersDozen]

1 hour ago, Lady Florida. said:

I We decided on our first anniversary that instead of gifts every year we'd give each other time together. He still buys sometimes me an anniversary gift, though not every year.  I never know which year he'll get me something but when he does I feel like a heel for not getting him something, even though I'm the one sticking to our agreement.

Gah! We have this agreement as well (along w/Christmas and birthday gifts) and almost without fail my dh gets me something. I finally stopped feeling guilty.

 

Quote

He’s learned that things that I’m going to wear on my body (clothes and jewelry) and things I’m going to use (appliances and electronics) are things he’ll get a better return on his investment with by listening carefully to my opinion (or amazon wish list).  

Yep.

OP, I would smile and "accept" the gift on Christmas. Wear it if you want to even if only for a few minutes. If you don't like it, return it without any guilt. And at some point I would have a gentle talk w/dh (if he cares that the gift was returned) and explain why you took the watch back.

I believe that gifts are about the recipient more than the giver. If one knows full well what the recipient does not want and proceeds to purchase the item anyway, is that really a gift?

But then I'm the one who, when I opened a box my dh gave me some years ago, closed it and handed it back to him along with a grimace and the message that he could hold onto it until his birthday (it was my birthday...and he gave me lingerie...which I despise) and oh by the way, he could also wear it because I wasn't about to. He got the point. 🙂 

[Arcadia]

2 hours ago, bolt. said:

(For just one possibility, if he’s in IT, it honestly could have been free — a business gift or a holiday raffle. And there are dozens of other possibilities.)

If something needs to be said, the 26th will be just fine. It really will. 

 

I have ended up with lots of gently used (similar to open box condition) tech items for free due to my husband’s job. I ended up with a 128gb iPad Pro 1st generation that I wanted because of a pricing mistake that makes it more than 50% off for anyone that bought from Target on that day.

Apple has a 14 day return policy so OP can try on the watch for a week before deciding.

[J-rap]

My dh and I handle that differently, and either way works.  🙂

I know that my dh is a little...different, and also, he puts a tremendous amount of thought (and heart and soul) into his gifts.  So when I get something from him, I appreciate his intent and pretend I like it even if I don't.  (And sometimes I really do like it!)   I was thinking the other day that one of the first gifts he ever gave me was an antique German Bible.  REALLY?  What in the world am I supposed to do with THAT?  hahahaha   But I know the thought and love that went into it was over-the-top, so I loved it nevertheless.

My dh, on the other hand, is an extremely honest perfectionist and sightly OCD person.  If I give him something and he doesn't really like it, he can't help but tell me exactly what he thinks.  So, he would never be able to pretend that he liked a gift from me even despite the thought I put into it.  

Oh well!  It seems to work either way, depending on our various personalities.  I'm a lot more easy-going overall and things don't bother me too much.

[school17777]

I’m not a good person to ask. Dh has the opportunity through work to buy Fitbits for half price through work.  I asked for the Zip for Cmas.  I circled it on the paper he brought home.  Every time he brought it up, I always clarified with him that I wanted the zip, not the regular Fitbit.  What did Dh order me?  Not the zip I circled, but he decided to be nice and spend more money on the regular Fitbit.  I do not have a good poker face.  I couldn’t hide the disappointment when I opened the gift and it wasn’t the zip. I to this day don’t understand why he didn’t order the one I asked for.  I explained my reasons for not wanting the regular Fitbit many times to him prior to his ordering it.  Him getting it for me did not change the reasons.  So, I have a Fitbit that I don’t use (since it was a promotion, I couldn’t return/exchange it in a store).  And that was my present from him besides a couple stocking stuffer stuff.  It hurt my feelings that he didn’t listen to me and I couldn’t have been any clearer.

 

[MaBelle]

Suck it up and be gracious.

[madteaparty]

FWIW, I got something expensive like that which I told him I’m returning.

Edited December 25, 2018 by madteaparty

[gardenmom5]

hugs.  I'm *really glad* I found the tickets to phantom of the opera before dh gave them to me for my birthday. (I could prepare myself to smile and be gracious when I opened them in front of him.)  he think's it's "romantic".  she has two guys who are in love with her . . .hello?  one is  a s.t.a.l.k.e.r.!  it's NOT "romantic"!  If I could have returned them without the fall out, I would have.  but at least that was a one time thing.

Edited December 25, 2018 by gardenmom5

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, school17777 said:

  What did Dh order me?  Not the zip I circled, but he decided to be nice and spend more money on the regular Fitbit.  

 

My husband and my dad would do that because they feel better paying for a more expensive model as a gift. Both my dad and husband grew up poor. It is even harder for them if the more expensive model have every feature that the model I wanted have. If the model I wanted was more lightweight or have a feature that the more expensive model doesn’t have, then they are more likely to get exactly what I wanted. 

Could your husband use the regular Fitbit and buy you the Zip? 

[school17777]

8 hours ago, Arcadia said:

 

My husband and my dad would do that because they feel better paying for a more expensive model as a gift. Both my dad and husband grew up poor. It is even harder for them if the more expensive model have every feature that the model I wanted have. If the model I wanted was more lightweight or have a feature that the more expensive model doesn’t have, then they are more likely to get exactly what I wanted. 

Could your husband use the regular Fitbit and buy you the Zip? 

 

This was a couple of years ago!  I’m fine without a zip.  Dh would not wear a Fitbit.  He does use an app on his phone for similar info.  I could do the same to get 10k steps in. 

[PrincessMommy]

Janeway, how did it go for you?

Turns out mine was a prop because dh couldn't actually buy me a phone and get it all set up without turning off my phone... whew.   We're going to go out later and buy me a new phone

Edited December 26, 2018 by PrincessMommy

[katilac]

On 12/24/2018 at 2:34 PM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Presents are not a special category where people can disregard what a recipient said and still be considered thoughtful.   

 Loving someone means not causing them predictable anxiety for your own emotional high. 

People who love surprises need to understand that not everyone else does.   
 

 

Such a great post. These statements in particular highlight the way I feel. It's very hard for people who don't have anxiety to realize what a big deal triggering it can be, but certainly your spouse should take your word for it! This is a very predictable anxiety for the OP (great wording), not something that should take the dh by surprise. If I understand correctly, she also specifically mentioned her arthritis in relation to wearing a watch very recently, so . . . yeah, rude. 

What happened, OP? I agree that I'd probably go ahead and accept it as graciously as possible in the moment, but no way would I keep an expensive gift I didn't want. It's a double-edged sword: not only do I not want this expensive item, it also prevents me from buying something nice that I do want! Because there's only so much money. 

I just had the random thought that it would be pretty funny if the dh was giddy bc he bought the watch for himself 😂 maybe he redeemed himself after all with something the OP truly wanted.

[katilac]

On 12/24/2018 at 3:01 PM, Seasider too said:

I’d be stressed too if dh gave me a too-expensive gift that I didn’t want, didn’t want to use, when in two weeks he’d be right back to analyzing the grocery budget down to the quarter (and asking me a thousand questions about what I bought) because it’s time to crack down after an expensive Christmas. 

 

So funny 😄

[Little Nyssa]

I would have asked him about the purchase right away and told him kindly how I felt about it, if indeed it was for me. I wouldn't want to accept it, trying to be kind, and then have to wear it and secretly resent it perhaps for years! But I would have expressed this right away, not waiting for Christmas morning. How did it go? 

[Shoeless]

On 12/24/2018 at 2:34 PM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

People are saying it's the thought that counts, but based on what I think I understand by reading the OP, it doesn't sound thoughtful to me.  Presents are not a special category where people can disregard what a recipient said and still be considered thoughtful.  I think you're stuck having to smile and say thank you when you get it.  The discussion about it should happen after the holiday season.

I know people who are all about sentimentalized gift giving have a very hard time with this, but if it was agreed upon beforehand not to spend more than a certain amount, including for gifts, then it's most certainly not OK to break the rule without a discussion that resulted in an agreement before spending the money.  I understand it's possible he didn't break the rule because he might have gotten a great deal within the agreed limits, my issue with it is only  IF he broke the rule. No rational, mature human being sets a limit for gifts but secretly hopes the limit is broken.

Loving someone means not causing them predictable anxiety for your own emotional high.  If spending has a history of causing her anxiety, it's not OK to spend a lot on a gift for her, assuming he has been told about her anxiety related to spending money or he has witnessed an anxious reaction to spending lots of money.  (IF he did spend lots, we don't know.)  It's like giving someone a fantastic cheese as a gift when you know the recipient has a history of dairy sensitivities. You may love the idea of giving a fantastic cheese, but the other person doesn't feel about cheese the way you do, the predictable resulting discomfort is not a kind thing to do to someone you love.  Better to ask them what they're comfortable with and work within that just like we ask people about dietary restrictions when we invite them to dinner. That's treating them with respect and kindness.

People who love surprises need to understand that not everyone else does.  IF she explicitly told him exactly what she wanted and then went on to say if it wasn't exactly that she'd rather not have it, then it's not OK to get her what she said she didn't want. What was the point of that?  Seriously, what exactly motivates someone to buy something someone explicitly said they didn't want?  If you had said, "I want to go out for pizza.  If it's not pizza, I'd rather stay home." then your husband drives you to a Mexican restaurant as a surprise so you don't have to cook, then it's a jerk move. If your kid said I want guitar lessons, and if it's not guitar, I'd rather not take music lessons, then you sign them up for voice lessons, it's mean. I know someone whose aunt called and asked what to get daughter for her birthday.  That someone said anything but a Barbie because Barbies weren't something she wanted promoted in her house.  Aunt brought a Barbie to the birthday party.  Just because it's a gift, doesn't mean it's automatically kind or respectful.

Throughout this next year, well before and between gift giving events, spell it out for him more than once. I'm not clear on how much of your feelings related to anxiety have been explicitly stated and demonstrated to him before he bought the watch.  You may have to talk to him like he has autism.  My brother matter of factly states to my nephew with autism things most people would pick up on non-verbally. Nephew needs someone to say so out loud, and the results are very good.  Nephew now knows and can act accordingly.  You'll also may need to have to have the "I'm not that woman" conversation.  I'm not that woman flattered by a gift that breaks our spending limits, so don't be tempted to do that. I'm not that woman who wants a surprise for it's own sake, so sticking to the list I have posted here is a guaranteed win for both of us and it's by far my preference.   I'm not that woman who says one thing but means another, so don't assume I secretly want you do things in a way other than I've spelled out. I'm not that woman who doesn't care which complex gadget you get-this is a tool for my life and I want to choose which tool best serves me, you wouldn't choose homeschool curriculum that I teach the kids without consulting me would you? Things like that.

I want to print this out and mail it to both my dad and MIL, who both give gifts based on how giving a gift makes *them* feel, and not at all on how the recipient feels.  Very wise!