At what point do you include a kid's bf/gf...?

[Farrar]

Holiday card from sil and bil came yesterday. Most of the photos included... nephew's gf. They're in 10th grade. They've been dating for awhile - apparently she's really nice and everyone loves her. But we all still were like, who is that? Oh, it's nephew's gf.

So, I think nearly everyone I know would think this is too soon, right? Has anyone ever seen something like this before? At what point do you include a significant other/bf/gf/partner? I mean, it seems obvious that after many years together for an adult, even if they're unmarried, I definitely would. This was just slightly jarring. To each their own... I was just confused and surprised. And I can't help wondering what HER family's holiday card looks like!

[alisoncooks]

I can't imagine doing so for a high school bf/gf. 

[Kassia]

That does seem inappropriate.  

[PeachyDoodle]

Too soon for me. DH and I were high school sweethearts. Started dating when we were 15. He didn't even come for our family holiday celebrations until we were engaged 4 years later. 

(Not that he wouldn't have been welcome, but his family had their own traditions, and we didn't try to merge them until we were engaged. I can't imagine including him on our Christmas card in 10th grade.)

ETA: And we were solid as a rock from day one. Never broke up. But even so, when my high school marching band planned a trip to Disney, and my parents and sisters planned to tag along, we had to do some fast talking to convince the band director and my parents that we would still be together six months later when the trip rolled around so he could go too. We'd been together at least 2 years (maybe 3?) at that point. But, I mean, we were 17. It was a legit concern. (But a really awesome trip!)

Edited December 15, 2018 by PeachyDoodle

[PrincessMommy]

yeah, too soon - especially for the family Christmas card photo.  They have to be family:  married.  But, then they'd probably get their own card.  However, if I were doing a collage with one of those ubiquitous Christmas letters I may include serious (talking about marriage ) bf/gf in one candid type photo.

 

[Farrar]

I keep thinking that odds are they'll break up... maybe not - I know married couples who were high school sweethearts, but most likely. And then... you can never look back at that year's Christmas photos without extra awkwardness. Like, I had so's who came to holiday celebrations and are in celebration photos, but this is the staged photo. That's weird, right? I think I'd feel more uncomfortable with that later. And I keep thinking if I was her that I'd feel weird about it years later if I saw it.

[HomeAgain]

Well, that's a Christmas card with a lot of potential cringe later!

I would not include a bf/gf at all.  If my kids want to make arrangements and ask to bring a guest to dinner, fine.  The more the merrier!  If they want to go off and exchange gifts, great! 

BUT....there would not be any formal invite from us until they were engaged/married.

[PeachyDoodle]

Just now, Farrar said:

I keep thinking that odds are they'll break up... maybe not - I know married couples who were high school sweethearts, but most likely. And then... you can never look back at that year's Christmas photos without extra awkwardness. Like, I had so's who came to holiday celebrations and are in celebration photos, but this is the staged photo. That's weird, right? I think I'd feel more uncomfortable with that later. And I keep thinking if I was her that I'd feel weird about it years later if I saw it.

Yeah, it's weird. IMO.

[Farrar]

I'm good with earlier than marriage or for a couple that doesn't ever intend to marry - you don't have to marry, IMO. Like I said, if a couple were seriously together for the long term... I guess to me the main thing is that they be adults?

Edited December 15, 2018 by Farrar

[Arctic Bunny]

It’s been 20+ years, and the family photo two years ago (with the in-laws) was the first where there wasn’t an alternative pic without me in it. I hadn’t realized that until now (progress!). Granted, it’s been a long time since the last one, as her request didn’t go over very well.

But I would say out of high school, maybe a couple of years together after that. 

[Farrar]

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

[PeachyDoodle]

2 minutes ago, Farrar said:

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

See, I can't believe SHE doesn't find that weird. But maybe she felt too much pressure to say no. Or maybe she thinks it's cool. I remember friends in high school who were super chummy with their significant others' families. Not my experience though.

But maybe I'm bitter because I got intentionally left out of the family photo at BIL's first wedding, when DH and I had been married almost four years. 🙂

[regentrude]

I don't have a single picture of DS from the past year that is just him, all pics are he and his gf. So yes, she's featured in the family calendar because otherwise he wouldn't be in there at all. 

[BarbecueMom]

9 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

Too soon for me. DH and I were high school sweethearts. Started dating when we were 15. He didn't even come for our family holiday celebrations until we were engaged 4 years later. 

Another high school marching band couple here too (going on Year 20 now), and I agree.  Too soon for Christmas card photos and matching PJ's, although I personally think the best time for sending out matching holiday pajama photos for any family is never.  I think by late high school/early college, before engagement, I did attend his family holiday stuff as long as it didn't conflict with mine.  I'm not sure when he ended up at my family's holiday insanity gatherings (and he'd still rather not be there, haha!).

[Farrar]

2 minutes ago, BarbecueMom said:

Another high school marching band couple here too (going on Year 20 now), and I agree.  Too soon for Christmas card photos and matching PJ's, although I personally think the best time for sending out matching holiday pajama photos for any family is never.  I think by late high school/early college, before engagement, I did attend his family holiday stuff as long as it didn't conflict with mine.  I'm not sure when he ended up at my family's holiday insanity gatherings (and he'd still rather not be there, haha!).

TRUTH.

[lispy]

13 minutes ago, Farrar said:

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

That seems way over the top!  

I was going to say that I could almost understand if it was one of those cards with multiple pictures,  like where the kids are separate, and his separate pic included the gf.  I personally would still think that was weird, but not quite as weird as the family picture.  

In our family,  and most families I know,  including her in in some family activities is nice, and would be expected after a while. But bringing her so close into the family seems like it would put an awful lot of pressure on the young couple.  

 

Edited December 15, 2018 by lispy
Can't type

[Farrar]

I think I did the tree decorating at a bf's house in high school. And a special holiday meal at another bf's house. And Passover at a gf's house, though as a "friend" because, well, it was the 90's. No significant others at my holidays until college. Maybe that's coloring my view.

[regentrude]

I view a Christmas card pics as a very fleeting snapshot, not documents for eternity. If she is important in his life right now, why not have her in the picture?  I fail to see why there would be potential for embarrassment. 

[Farrar]

Just now, lispy said:

I was going to say that I could almost understand if it was one of those cards with multiple pictures,  like where the kids are separate and in his separate pic included the gf.  I personally would still think that was weird, but not quite as weird as the family picture.  

Right - like if it was one of those cards with  candids from throughout the year, that would have felt different. This was a professional portrait deal.

[PeachyDoodle]

5 minutes ago, BarbecueMom said:

Another high school marching band couple here too (going on Year 20 now), and I agree.  Too soon for Christmas card photos and matching PJ's, although I personally think the best time for sending out matching holiday pajama photos for any family is never.  I think by late high school/early college, before engagement, I did attend his family holiday stuff as long as it didn't conflict with mine.  I'm not sure when he ended up at my family's holiday insanity gatherings (and he'd still rather not be there, haha!).

Band nerd couples unite! (Although I have to be clear that DH was NEVER in the band and would be appalled to have been thought one of us. He was an athlete, lol. But he did sit through his share of high school band competitions, so he probably gets an honorary position whether he wants it or not! 😂)

[Farrar]

 

1 minute ago, Danae said:

 

I don't understand what the bolded means.

For me, it's that there was a lot of planning. It wasn't just, oh, we're at Christmas dinner, gf is here, come be in the pic, gf! It's, what's your pj size so we can order the matching set, and come to the photo studio and change into them, and... everything. When she's... I dunno... 14 yo, I think?

I'm sure, knowing sil, who has a good head on her shoulders even if she's really different from me, that she's just inclusive and nice. If the gf is cool with it, I guess it's fine. I just find it very odd.

[regentrude]

Can it be that your nephew has asked whether she can be in the pic? And your SIL didn't want to say "no, because she's not family"?

[madteaparty]

23 minutes ago, Farrar said:

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

Jarring, yes. I’m becoming such a judgmental old person. 

[Lecka]

It doesn’t seem weird to me.  I don’t think it would seem awkward later, either.  

I think it’s fine either way.

Maybe the son would not have a lot of interest in participating without her, or maybe they have a relationship with her that would possibly continue even if they break up.  

Edit: maybe she is a close neighbor or child of close friends, and they expect to still see her even separate from the relationship.  

I think it would be awkward if they had an ugly break-up maybe, but if they are both nice people maybe it’s safe to assume that won’t happen.  

Edited December 15, 2018 by Lecka

[Farrar]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Can it be that your nephew has asked whether she can be in the pic? And your SIL didn't want to say "no, because she's not family"?

Sil loves saying no to her kids from what I can see, so I doubt it. She also had a lot of choice words about the gf last time I saw her - about how she liked her but this and that and that and so on. She's a pretty strong-willed person. If she didn't want her there, she wouldn't be.

[regentrude]

I can't take a photo that seriously, sorry. I find matching sleepwear for grownups silly in the first place, gf or not.

[teachermom2834]

Definitely too soon. 

I will say that both my boys had girlfriends at 15 whose parents thought they would be together forever. I was the one always putting the brakes on or reminding everyone that they were just 15. So, while that would never happen at my house I would not be shocked to find out the girlfriend’s families had done something like that. Of course both relationships ended. 

It would be marriage or much closer to marriage for me. 

Edited December 15, 2018 by teachermom2834

[chocolate-chip chooky]

31 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I view a Christmas card pics as a very fleeting snapshot, not documents for eternity. If she is important in his life right now, why not have her in the picture?  I fail to see why there would be potential for embarrassment. 

I agree. 

I make photo calendars as gifts for grandparents every Christmas. To me, it would be odd to not include boyfriends/girlfriends, as they were significant people that year. I see the calendar as a keepsake and memory of that year. Maybe we're a bit odd, but I also include our pets.

Edited December 15, 2018 by chocolate-chip chooky

[chocolate-chip chooky]

31 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Right - like if it was one of those cards with  candids from throughout the year, that would have felt different. This was a professional portrait deal.

Ah...that's a bit different then. What I put together are a mix of photos from throughout the year.

 

[lispy]

I'd be comfortable with a calendar. There's something about the matching pj family that puts it over into the "odd" category for me.  

 

[Innisfree]

Two thoughts here, though I don't get the sense that the second applies here...

First, matching pajama cards would be eternally off limits for us.  But that's just us.

More importantly, the one time I *would* include a bf/gf of that age is if their own family situation was lacking, and they were being folded into ours, regardless of the permanence of the gf relationship. They might just need to be part of a family, and that might include being on the card.

[Faith-manor]

I was not included in family anything at the holidays until DH and I were engaged, same for my family.

Seems a little creepy to put a 15/16 year old in matching family pj's...seems like a lot of pressure to "be like us" as well as, uhm, the vast majority of these high school puppy loves don't last so once the break up occurs, now the annual family picture is awkward when on display.

[PrincessMommy]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

I'm good with earlier than marriage or for a couple that doesn't ever intend to marry - you don't have to marry, IMO. Like I said, if a couple were seriously together for the long term... I guess to me the main thing is that they be adults?

yes, that is a good point.  Not exactly engaged, but serious enough to be in a long-term relationship.  Obviously, not everyone gets married anymore but they still have committed relationships.   But, I'm talking about adults not teenagers.  

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

That’s weird. 

My dd’s bf is practically family to us and they are each other’s first bf/gf, so he’s been a fixture here for a long time. One year, he was even present when I was doing our photos for the Christmas card, but he wasn’t on the card! 

He does participate in the holiday fun and the ornament exchange. And I have joked before with dd that if she ever breaks up with him, it’s going to wreck years-worth of Shutterfly albums I have made, lol. But yeah, bf/gf on the card is weird. Dressing in matching clothes is even weirder. 

For adults who don’t have plans to actually marry, though they are clearly a committed partner, I would probably feel differently, but I probably would be doing a collage-style card or something different at that point. 

[Lady Florida.]

I thought the thread was going to be about including the bf/gf in activities. I would not put such a person on a Christmas card (though I might mention them in a Christmas letter), and especially not one in high school. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

She's wearing the same xmas pj's as everyone else in the main photo.

 

Ok, that raises the level from inappropriate and weird to just plain creepy.

I find it equally weird that the girlfriend’s parents are apparently fine with it. Yuck.

[sassenach]

Yeah, that’s weird. Kind of different but dd asked if her bf could join us for our annual Christmas Disney trip. This is a big deal for our family. After much debate we said no. I felt bad, bc at that point they were talking marriage, but it was still only. 7 month old relationship. Well, 4 months later he blindsided her and they broke up. I’m darn glad we don’t have that cloud hanging over our memories. 

[gardenmom5]

bless their hearts.  in 10th grade - I never would have included a gf/bf in a family photo.  not even my sil did that, and the high school sweethearts ended up getting married when he was 21.

I have one photo that included ds gf/ It wasn't a significant photo - but I really regret not having the same group shot without her.   so, unless it is an actual engagement (no - we're "engaged, but we're not getting married until ___ ___- ____ happen," when you never know if/when those things will actually happen.)

Edited December 15, 2018 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

IN PAJAMAS?  That had a SIZE?

Oh that skeeves me out.  If that was my fifteen or sixteen year old daughter I’d be 🤯

mil bought pj's for dh's last gf for a christmas gift.  they had been dating off and on for EIGHT YEARS, were adults, and done with college.  dh sat mil down and said "that's inappropriate.  get something else.")

[J-rap]

Awkward.  I've received Christmas letters like that from people who you know are just so thrilled that their child has a girlfriend/boyfriend.  It makes me cringe a little, not necessarily because of the thing itself, but because of the parental feelings that are playing into it.   I'd say wait for engagement or at least a promising, mature long-term relationship. 

[Farrar]

We aren't super close with sil and her family. They're far away family and we're very different. Like, I don't think they're horrible, inappropriate people or anything. I just keep thinking that it was an odd choice. Ds opened the card and he was the one who was most weirded out by it. I was like, "I hear she nice... I know they get along..." Ds was way more dire about it all.

I realized, she's actually in 9th grade. So he's 15 and I'm pretty sure she's 14. They've been dating since middle school, I think, so for awhile. I know mil and fil, who live nearby, like her as well. I still find it all really odd. If my 9th grade bf had put me in the xmas card that would have been SO AWKWARD.

[marbel]

27 minutes ago, OKBud said:

If someone told me there was a holiday card from high school featuring me and my boyfriend at the time + either of our families, I'd believe it even though I don't remember it. Both our mothers loved us so much 🤣 and it's just a picture. 

I saw a meme recently that said something along the lines of: "Pro tip! When you take a boyfriend to a wedding, make sure he's standing at the far end of all group photos so you can cut him out without ruining the whole picture. LOL

My brother brought a girlfriend to my wedding.  I knew she was not going to be long-term and didn't want to include her in the family photos, but also did not want to hurt feelings. The photographer and I talked about it, and he had a solution all ready; obviously  not a  unique situation.  He gathered everyone for a family photo, and included her. Well, he didn't actually take the photos (film camera!) and then said "OK, now just the family" and gently motioned her away from the group.  Then he snapped a couple of the family without her. Later, he took a couple photos of my brother and his gf separately, and I ordered one of those for him.  I don't think she or he ever noticed that she wasn't in the family pic.  It worked out fine.  

ETA: re: the OP, I would find a high school b/gf in the photo very odd. Maybe even disturbing a little, just a tiny bit.  Like, is this a family that's pushing for very early marriage?  

Edited December 15, 2018 by marbel

[teachermom2834]

Beyond the cringe factor when they break up is the sheer pressure it puts on the kids when the adults all act like they love the SO so very much and the expectation is they will be together forever. I saw this go horribly sideways with a sibling in my own family of origin. A relationship that started in middle school and the SO became part of the family. Sibling never could figure out how to get out of it with everyone in so very deep.

Saw this with my own ds (at 15 yo) when the gf’s family acted like their dd had found “the one” and everything was moving towards marriage. So much pressure on a kid too young to work or drive who likely is still reminded to brush his teeth.

So the cringe worthy memory aside my bigger issue is acting all “welcome to the family” with kids. It’s just too much. 

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

Holiday card from sil and bil came yesterday. Most of the photos included... nephew's gf. They're in 10th grade. They've been dating for awhile - apparently she's really nice and everyone loves her. But we all still were like, who is that? Oh, it's nephew's gf.

So, I think nearly everyone I know would think this is too soon, right? Has anyone ever seen something like this before? At what point do you include a significant other/bf/gf/partner? I mean, it seems obvious that after many years together for an adult, even if they're unmarried, I definitely would. This was just slightly jarring. To each their own... I was just confused and surprised. And I can't help wondering what HER family's holiday card looks like!

 

Too soon for what?  You regard a holiday card as an announcement that they are having Tea? Or planning marriage?

To me it would just be a card, with someone who is very close in some way to nephew at this time and stage. Maybe it will be for keeps, maybe not. 

[Farrar]

15 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Beyond the cringe factor when they break up is the sheer pressure it puts on the kids when the adults all act like they love the SO so very much and the expectation is they will be together forever. I saw this go horribly sideways with a sibling in my own family of origin. A relationship that started in middle school and the SO became part of the family. Sibling never could figure out how to get out of it with everyone in so very deep.

Saw this with my own ds (at 15 yo) when the gf’s family acted like their dd had found “the one” and everything was moving towards marriage. So much pressure on a kid too young to work or drive who likely is still reminded to brush his teeth.

So the cringe worthy memory aside my bigger issue is acting all “welcome to the family” with kids. It’s just too much. 

Yeah - when your parents are so invested in the so, that feels like something that's too much for a relationship that's this young. If they ever break up... which, let's be honest, is pretty likely... it adds an extra layer of difficulty. I guess I think families should be welcoming, but only to a point. This honestly does feel a bit official to me. Like, she sent out a holiday card with them? If it was a bunch of candids from the year, maybe, but in a matching professional photo with the family? Um, it feels like a "this is our family!" announcement, which is way too much pressure on the two of them. They're not even halfway through high school yet.

[Farrar]

When dh and I were still dating, we went to sil's first wedding. It was the first time I met his family. We had just moved in together after college. I was not in a single photo. I'm totally cool with that. It might have been nice of them to do me and future-dh, but whatever. I got that we were very new. And we were adults! Living together! Talking about marriage!

[unsinkable]

11 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Too soon for what?  You regard a holiday card as an announcement that they are having Tea? Or planning marriage?

To me it would just be a card, with someone who is very close in some way to nephew at this time and stage. Maybe it will be for keeps, maybe not. 

Oh, they can be boinking all they want! Just no matching jammy-jams in the family holiday card.

[mom2scouts]

Both my married and engaged sons started dating their current wife and fiance at 15, so it's not inevitable that they will break up. That said, it does seem weird to have gf in the picture and really weird when it's a matching pj photo!

As for matching pjs, my family would never do them because the boys all sleep in their underwear and buying pjs would be a huge waste of money.🤣🤣

[Wheres Toto]

Definitely too soon.

I would include someone when they are living in an adult, committed relationship - married, living together, engaged, whatever.

[DesertBlossom]

36 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Beyond the cringe factor when they break up is the sheer pressure it puts on the kids when the adults all act like they love the SO so very much and the expectation is they will be together forever. I saw this go horribly sideways with a sibling in my own family of origin. A relationship that started in middle school and the SO became part of the family. Sibling never could figure out how to get out of it with everyone in so very deep.

Saw this with my own ds (at 15 yo) when the gf’s family acted like their dd had found “the one” and everything was moving towards marriage. So much pressure on a kid too young to work or drive who likely is still reminded to brush his teeth.

So the cringe worthy memory aside my bigger issue is acting all “welcome to the family” with kids. It’s just too much. 

And then years later the son marries and his new wife gets to hear her MIL tell the story over and over and over again about how sad she was when son and high school gf broke up and new wife feels like she never quite measures up...  

Oh, we weren't talking about me? Oops.