How do you handle children that refuse to eat what is served at dinner?

[SKL]

As for desserts - we usually didn't have them, but when we did, it was usually something healthy.  Like fresh berries with a little whipped cream on top. :)   So yes, they could eat that "even if" they didn't like their broccoli.

[Reefgazer]

I put a variety of healthy food from the major food groups on the table and the child can eat them or not.  I do not cook special meals for anyone here; I will not set the kids up to expect a short order cook at mealtimes in their teen years.  Once I clean up after dinner, the kitchen is closed, so it's eat some dinner or go hungry until breakfast.  No one here has died because of it, thus far. 

Edited October 26, 2017 by reefgazer

[gardenmom5]

depends why they refuse to eat, and how it affects them.

Most kids, will eat at the next meal.

dudeling . . .could go days without eating if he didn't like it (he also didn't recognize hunger), and the blood sugar effects would make him increasingly fractious and very difficult to handle.  I did a  lot of short-order cook with him.

 

eta: I had two picky eaters, dudeling could give lessons. I had two who ate everything -including one who'd skip a couple days worth of meals, then eat everything in site on the third day.

Edited October 26, 2017 by gardenmom5

[SparklyUnicorn]

But anyhow, not saying you should do things my way or anyone's way.  If your way works then keep doing it.

 

 

[Pen]

Out of curiosity since I've heard that kids tend to like what was eaten when their mother was pregnant with them, assuming you are her birth mother did you eat a lot of vegetables when pregnant with her?

 

 

My best remedy for vegetable issues was having a garden. Things tasted better when grazed at a young tender and sweet stage direct from the plants, and a few cherry tomatoes here, a few leaves of collards, spinach, or lettuce, a broccoli floret, and a few snow peas, could be plentiful vegetables for someone of that age.

 

Garden was a homeschool "subject" in early years, and led to reasonable vegetable consumption, often with great excitement of finding ____ ripe and ready and getting to eat it before another person or critter did.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I often wonder why vegetables are so disliked by so many kids.  My older kid's aversion is beyond normal kid pickiness so he's not a good example.  But my non picky kid, he does have a few vegetables he does not care for.  He will eat them, but he does not like them and will often comment on it.  I just am not sure what it is about them.  Maybe his sense of taste is much stronger than mine?  No clue.

 

Growing up I liked pretty much all vegetables except onions.  I still won't eat onions.  My mother hated all vegetables except onions.  LOL  She loved those. 

[SKL]

Re vegetables, I do think kids' taste buds or sensory stuff is different.  I remember being unable to eat cooked carrots, lima beans, butter beans, beets, and cooked cabbage.  (I could eat most other veggies - loved Brussels sprouts.)  Now I don't adore any of those listed yucky vegetables, but I have no trouble eating them.  (Well maybe not butter beans - haven't tried any in recent memory.)  I mean chew, swallow, move on.  When I was a kid it was gag and spit out.  And I was not a spoiled or especially picky kid.

[Pam in CT]

Hard line food wars is probably the *only* issue on which I've taken a substantially different line than my parents took with me.

 

 

Life is short.  You can't actually *force* another person to keep food down.  I don't myself eat food I really don't want to eat.  My kids are people too.

 

 

I've always kept healthy foods available and accessible for "any time, any amount" snacking, including right-up-to-5-minutes-before dinner and including during dinner if someone doesn't like the (one) dinner I serve.  When the kids were very little, these were things little kids good manage on their own: cut up carrot & celery slices and pre-sliced cheese in individual-sized ziplock bags, prewashed grapes, individual packs of unsweetened applesauce & plain yogurt, nuts, etc.  As they got older, HB eggs, whole fruit, pre-washed & mixed salad greens, etc.

 

Nothing I make for dinner is net healthier than that kind of stuff... and I am (if I do say so myself, lol) rather gifted at rolling any dinner leftovers into new and different meals on subsequent days... so who cares if a kid opts for carrots and hummus for dinner one night rather that the chili I otherwise am serving?  It's not like my chili is "better for them" than the hummus. 

 

We only serve dessert once a week, on Sabbath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ETA When my kids were young, one was an intrepid-try-anything type; one was crazy skinny and under-appetite (not "picky" per se, just never hungry); and one decided at age 7 to become vegetarian.  They're old now, and all eat a very wide range of all sorts of foods, other than that the vegetarian is still vegetarian.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Pam in CT

[unsinkable]

I have a method that I have always used but I want to know what other people do to see if my idea is mainstream.

 

To be clear what I am talking about. I am talking about a child 3-6 years old, you serve them something to eat and either they play with it and don't take a bite, or just flat out refuse to eat it.

 

Would what you do change if it was a several times a week thing, vs an every now and then thing (like 2-3 times a month at most)?

I'd make them something else, or I'd make them a different meal to begin with if I knew they didn't like what I was preparing.I

[unsinkable]

Yeah...And talking about how the board changed...

 

Years ago, I said I never fight with a child about food and I got piled on (figuratively). Almost everyone who participated in these types of threads believed that kids should eat what was put in front of them.

 

I really felt alone.

[Amber in SJ]

It has been years since I had one that age and I have 1 picky kid & 3 not picky kids (and one picky dh.)  We also have food allergies & sensory issues.  When I make dinner if I know there is something that my picky kid will object to I make sure there is something else he does like.  If the food is something that one will think is too spicy then I try to remove a portion before adding spices. 

 

Here are our rules for dinner:

 

1.  You must take a "polite bite" of everything on your plate.  A polite bite is an actual spoonful or forkful; not a nibble or a touch of the tongue to the food.  If you refuse you are excused from dinner.  Polite bites of everything must be taken before seconds are given on anything.  This way second helpings of potatoes don't happen without a bite of everything being taken.  All servings are pretty small.  If one bite of everything will get you seconds then a second bite of everything will get you thirds.  I don't stare at them and count bites (well, I don't anymore :) ) 

 

2.  The  most negative thing you may say about a food is "It is not my favorite,"  There will be no "gross," no "ewww," no "you know I don't like this," or gagging noises and so on.  Any of those things will get you excused from dinner.

 

3.  Even if dinner was not your favorite & even if you were excused from dinner for rude behavior, you still must thank the person who prepared your dinner because they deserve to be thanked for his/her kindness and you still must do your part to clean up.  This rule was put in place when my youngest figured out if he was obnoxious at the end of dinner he could be sent to his room & miss out on the clean up.

 

4.  Post-dinner dessert is pretty rare around here but it usually has nothing to do with who ate what at dinner.  Treats are more likely to have been served as part of afternoon snack.

 

5.  If you didn't eat enough at dinner & are hungry at bedtime you may have a piece of fruit and a 3-4 oz glass of milk.  And that is it.

 

6.  Fresh fruit and raw veggies are always available for daytime snacks.  Monday is my baking day so at the beginning of the week I will bake something like muffins or a quick bread or something else that can be a snack.  This week it is pumpkin flax muffins.  

 

Amber in SJ

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah...And talking about how the board changed...

 

Years ago, I said I never fight with a child about food and I got piled on (figuratively). Almost everyone who participated in these types of threads believed that kids should eat what was put in front of them.

 

I really felt alone.

 

you and me both

 

There are still some who are in that camp.  To which I say, they don't have picky kids. 

[SKL]

Yeah...And talking about how the board changed...

 

Years ago, I said I never fight with a child about food and I got piled on (figuratively). Almost everyone who participated in these types of threads believed that kids should eat what was put in front of them.

 

I really felt alone.

 

I was on the "you should make them eat what you serve" side of things until I ran out of energy or creativity for that model.

 

It's how I was raised, pretty much, or at least how I remember it.  But my mom was a lot younger and possibly had more time and energy (plus there was no other option because we were poor).

 

Then again - my parents believed in sending naughty kids to bed without dinner - imagine telling anyone you did that today.  :P

[SparklyUnicorn]

Oh my father believed in slapping you upside the head if you didn't eat your dinner.

 

So..uhhh no I don't follow my parent's lead on that one.

 

 

[SKL]

Well my folks wouldn't hit us for it, but they would make us look at it forever and even save it until the next day until we finally ate it.  I still have memories of a cooked green pepper (we had stuffed peppers - the inside was good) sitting on my plate - I could not eat it - my folks put it in the fridge and said I'd be eating it the next day.  Another time I had to eat my green pepper before I could have my peaches.  I put the food in my mouth, ate the peaches, and spit the peppers back out.  Blech!!  I'm gonna assume my folks learned some life lessons from their kids.  :P

[mamaraby]

Having my dh as an example of a vegetable hater whose tastebuds changed, I have tried hard not to make food as a battleground. When I met dh, he at very few vegetables outside of iceberg lettuce and peas as a salad covered in bacon bits, cheese, and ranch dressing. His favorite childhood meal was noodles (mashed potatoes topped with egg noodles in a chicken broth gravy). In his case, being an adult in love and wanting to impress his girlfriend and her family was enough to make him willing to try more vegetables. I know there are those for whom not even that would be enough to change things, but hey it reminded me that picky may not always last forever.

 

I do not have picky kids so I fret less. My kids decide how much to eat at meal times and have all been given age appropriate make food for themself skills. If they’re full, they should stop eating. If they can’t finish what they were served and they liked it, they can put it away for another meal (like a to go container at a restaurant). And above all “eat what you want, leave what you don’t, and don’t be rude or make a fuss.†The rest sorts itself out for most NT kids.

Edited October 26, 2017 by mamaraby

[Kassia]

I'm a picky eater and my mother forced me to eat what was on my plate.  I'd get in trouble if I gagged.  

 

Two of my kids were picky eaters as kids, two were not.  I never forced them to eat foods they didn't want to eat.  The two picky eaters aren't picky at all anymore.  They are all great eaters and very health-conscious.  I wish I were more like them - there have been many times where they were creating huge salads for themselves while I was pouring myself a bowl of cheez-its.  

 

It's hard for me to eat at events or at people's homes because I'm so picky.  And I struggle with eating disorders, too, so that makes eating in a restaurant or anywhere out of the house difficult at times.  

 

 

Edited October 26, 2017 by Kassia

[Ravin]

With both of mine, we have a few different approaches. If they served themselves, choosing how much of something to take, then if they don't finish, they don't get dessert. If an adult put the portions on their plate and they at least try everything but maybe don't finish, they get dessert. We try to err on the side of smaller portions, especially of things that are unfamiliar to them and/or we know they aren't a great fan of. If they turn out to like something new, they are allowed seconds as long as seconds are available. We don't worry too much about whether seconds are finished, again especially if someone else served it out to them.

 

With meals where there is some option (say, tacos rather than a casserole) we let them choose what goes on their plate. If they identify one item in something like a stir fry they don't like, we encourage them to just leave it to the side without a fuss. If they finish most of the meal except that one bit, we count it as done. 

 

When a child really doesn't like dinner and says up front no thank you, we'll usually let them have something else once the meal is over (leftovers, PB&J, cup noodle, a bowl of cereal with milk--usually something they can get for themselves), but no dessert. So, they don't go to bed hungry, but dessert is a treat and not to be had unless the healthy balanced meal was eaten first.

 

The overall lesson we're going for is to try new things and to not waste food, to eat until you are full at dinner and no more (dessert is not a meal). I'd rather a kid simply refuse a serving of a meal than put it on their plate and have it go to waste because they didn't like it.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Ravin

[Annie G]

We really only faced this with ds and it became an issue because he was very limited in what he would eat. It made attending potlucks difficult, going to a friend's  for dinner, and traveling was tough because we had to either bring food for him or find someplace that had something he'd eat. For him, it was just that he didn't like to try new things. No sensory issues.  

 

We wanted to help him enjoy a wider variety of foods so he was't 'that kid' at every event. He finally tried a hamburger at age 11 and within a couple of years he was willing to eat them when offered. He's still never had a hot dog but I guess I can't fault him for that. g   But anyway, he's an adult now and though he is still kind of choosy, he has little problem when eating out or at a friend's house. He does say no thank you when offered things he doesn't eat but he eats enough variety now that he can usually to offend a host.g   

 

Key for him: limited casseroles. He likes lasagna but won't eat shepherd's pie even though he likes everything it it. He doesn't like it all together.  

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Another thing, my picky eater was less picky when his mouth related, retained primitive reflexes were weaker, and he'd get fussier again when they strengthened again.

[eternalsummer]

Hard line food wars is probably the *only* issue on which I've taken a substantially different line than my parents took with me.

 

 

Life is short.  You can't actually *force* another person to keep food down.  I don't myself eat food I really don't want to eat.  My kids are people too.

 

 

I've always kept healthy foods available and accessible for "any time, any amount" snacking, including right-up-to-5-minutes-before dinner and including during dinner if someone doesn't like the (one) dinner I serve.  When the kids were very little, these were things little kids good manage on their own: cut up carrot & celery slices and pre-sliced cheese in individual-sized ziplock bags, prewashed grapes, individual packs of unsweetened applesauce & plain yogurt, nuts, etc.  As they got older, HB eggs, whole fruit, pre-washed & mixed salad greens, etc.

 

Nothing I make for dinner is net healthier than that kind of stuff... and I am (if I do say so myself, lol) rather gifted at rolling any dinner leftovers into new and different meals on subsequent days... so who cares if a kid opts for carrots and hummus for dinner one night rather that the chili I otherwise am serving?  It's not like my chili is "better for them" than the hummus. 

 

We only serve dessert once a week, on Sabbath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ETA When my kids were young, one was an intrepid-try-anything type; one was crazy skinny and under-appetite (not "picky" per se, just never hungry); and one decided at age 7 to become vegetarian.  They're old now, and all eat a very wide range of all sorts of foods, other than that the vegetarian is still vegetarian.

 

 

Yes, this is how I think too.  And to be honest, my dinners are probably the only time during the day that they're getting a warm protein, so they're generally quite happy to eat it - and if they're not, someone else definitely will.

[Ravin]

At potlucks, where there is a wide variety of foods, I'll encourage them to eat whatever I know they like (sometimes this winds up being just chips or something ridiculous like that) but if they won't try anything else, (or go run off to play) and they say they are hungry on the way home, I usually tell them too bad. 

[unsinkable]

you and me both

 

There are still some who are in that camp. To which I say, they don't have picky kids.

Oh my father believed in slapping you upside the head if you didn't eat your dinner.

 

So..uhhh no I don't follow my parent's lead on that one.

I remember you've always been consistently pro-"non-forcing. "

 

And I'm very sorry for what you endured as a child.

[BarbecueMom]

I kept reading this title as "how to handle chicken that refuses to sit at dinner". I was going to suggest spatchcocking them...

[foxbridgeacademy]

I always made sure I served something I knew DD would eat: chicken, potatoes, bread, rice, cheese.  Then for the stuff she hated, green beans, spinach, broccoli etc... I would have her eat 1-3 bites of it (sometimes I gave her a pass).  I did worry a lot about the lack of veggies and did my best to make things palatable.  Thing is she's now GF vegan and loves veggies.  

 

 

[Starr]

I always told them they would like the food when they got older and to give it a try . It was sad when they started liking pie! Haha

[Seeking Squirrels]

We tried all sorts of things. The 3-bite rule, the no-thank-you bite, go without, withholding all snacks and treats..... After two rounds of feeding therapy, we now don't even try. We encourage her to try new things, but she generally has her same few things every day, every meal. 

 

Obviously here I'm dealing with SN, but we did not know that until she was 6, and the first feeding therapy session wasn't until 8. So we still dealt with the stress of it and trying desperately to get her to eat what we made. Wanting her to be fed, but not really wanting an epic battle every. single. day. It was almost a relief to be given the OT's blessing of just giving her what she'll eat. Meal time is still stressful, but not what it once was. 

 

So I guess just make sure to rule out any sensory issues or allergies before gearing up for battle. 

[Tammi K]

Early in my marriage, well before I had children, something clicked for me - my taste and his tastes differ.  So, generally, we would try to choose meals that neither one of us disliked. However, from time to time, we each chose to have a meal that was one preference and not the other's.  No one felt disrespected if the other chose to prepare themselves something else. 

 

Now that I have kids, I've chosen to think of it as choosing not to eat what I prepared rather than refusing what I made. With 6 kids, I could never please everyone. So, I try to make meals that please the majority and if I something is served that isn't liked, kids were free to choose to make themselves something for themselves. 

 

As they got older, we practiced eating 'polite portions' in order to expose them to new foods - usually a small spoon size of an item. Sometimes all they did was touch it to their tongue. That was more my husband's idea than mine.  Whatever, if they 'tried' I wouldn't make a big deal out of letting them make themselves something else. It was a low pressure thing and did help them learn to  eat new tastes.

 

 

[Soror]

None of my kids are really picky so it isn't an issue here. They sometimes have foods they don't like but we all do. I encourage them to try new things to see if they will like it. Because it happens infrequently that they dislike what is served I don't stress it. The other night I served roasted green beans, garlic, and mushrooms- I think maybe 1 of my kids like mushrooms, they each had smallish portions, some didn't have mushrooms at all. I ended up with more of the dish that was my favorite, that is a win-win for me :) I rarely serve peas because they are nearly universally hated and not my favorite anyway, so that is not a big deal. I don't put fresh cucumbers or onions in anything because dh doesn't like them BUT I serve both on the side at times.  

 

I would say that dh was quite the vegetable hater when we got married. He has really expanded his palette over the years. I think a lot of his problem was that his Mom was not the best cook, she didn't use seasoning and like many of her generation often served overcooked-waterlogged canned and microwaved veggies. So, I've worked hard to try to find different preparations that he will like. 

 

They think I'm the best cook in the world so are generally receptive to eating what I serve. It is ok if they don't like everything. My kids also cook as well, I require them to serve a protein, starch, and something green. 

 

I will say IRT dessert what I've seen happen with the little ones if they know dessert is being served they might eat 2 bites, say they are full, and ask for dessert, that doesn't work for me. I do not want them to fill up on something sweet, it isn't good for the glucose levels. Now, if we are having dessert you want to save a bit of room in your belly but not all of it!

 

Anyway, my kids are all on the thin side of healthy, with no health problems, and as I said not really picky so YMMV.

Edited October 27, 2017 by soror

[Carrie12345]

I have a method that I have always used but I want to know what other people do to see if my idea is mainstream. 

 

To be clear what I am talking about. I am talking about a child 3-6 years old, you serve them something to eat and either they play with it and don't take a bite, or just flat out refuse to eat it. 

 

Would what you do change if it was a several times a week thing, vs an every now and then thing (like 2-3 times a month at most)?

 

I've had two children (one current) who would genuinely risk their health and well-being if they were denied alternatives.  So I allow for alternatives most of the time. Sometimes there are nights with typical "I'd rather have something else" issues that I don't accommodate, but that's something entirely different.

[Zinnia]

Early in my marriage, well before I had children, something clicked for me - my taste and his tastes differ. So, generally, we would try to choose meals that neither one of us disliked. However, from time to time, we each chose to have a meal that was one preference and not the other's. No one felt disrespected if the other chose to prepare themselves something else.

 

.

See, I think this was part of the problem for us. My dh eats anything. Anything. And he doesn't cook, so he is just happy to have it made for him. He doesn't prefer mayo, but I have seen him choke it down. He is just the easiest going person. And I have very few dislikes, and they rarely come up in the topic of dinner. So before kids, not eating something just wasn't a thing. And we were a little judgey towards picky people-- we just didn't get it.

 

Our oldest was a lesson in accepting pickiest and dealing with that, making priorities for our meal times (togetherness over clean plates), and learning how to implement all of that in a way that we were happy with. It was all eye opening.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Zinnia

[SparklyUnicorn]

I've had two children (one current) who would genuinely risk their health and well-being if they were denied alternatives.  So I allow for alternatives most of the time. Sometimes there are nights with typical "I'd rather have something else" issues that I don't accommodate, but that's something entirely different.

 

Same here.  At first I tried to demonstrate who is the boss, but yeah...turns out the boss isn't me.  LOL

 

No, but really.  He'd go days without eating.  He'd sneak in the middle of the night and eat weird stuff like dried pasta.  So what was I supposed to do? 

 

I didn't want it to be an issue so I didn't make it an issue.  Simple as that really.  Truth be told, I do not make foods for dinner I don't like.  So I don't endure dinners forcing myself to eat stuff I hate.  Why would I do that to my kid? 

[TeenagerMom]

Same here.  At first I tried to demonstrate who is the boss, but yeah...turns out the boss isn't me.  LOL

 

No, but really.  He'd go days without eating.  He'd sneak in the middle of the night and eat weird stuff like dried pasta.  So what was I supposed to do? 

 

I didn't want it to be an issue so I didn't make it an issue.  Simple as that really.  Truth be told, I do not make foods for dinner I don't like.  So I don't endure dinners forcing myself to eat stuff I hate.  Why would I do that to my kid? 

 

This is the biggest thing to me.  I realized with my kids early on, that I am the one who meal plans, grocery shops, and cooks the meals (well back then anyway).  I NEVER cook Asian food.  I hate it.  I rarely cook eggs because they make me sick to my stomach.  Tried a few Indian dishes and either the recipes sucked or my taste buds do.........don't cook them either.

 

I am in 100% control over what gets cooked in our house and it's always food I like.  If the hubby wants Chinese, he grabs the kids and they go eat while I pick up fast food. 

 

There are only a couple of foods DH doesn't care for.  I don't fix them either. 

 

Why force my kids to eat things that the smell, taste, or texture makes them gag, etc and make them hate eating it even more?  Even not requiring No Thank You bites hasn't meaned they are super picky as almost adults either.  The meat hater is the most adventurous eater in the house.  She loves ethnic foods.  The super picky sensory eater regularly adds foods to his repetoire.  He tries at least 1 new food a week.  He may not like a lot of them, but he tries them.  On his own.  No forcing needed at all.  He asks for them.

[PrincessMommy]

I had a picky eater who was also extremely stubborn.  He was my cheese-toast, hamburger, or pizza boy.  That's it.   Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on the situation) he was quietly stubborn.   If he didn't eat at least a few bites (1-2) then that was it for the evening.  I ended up having to set a timer because we could literally be there all evening.  

 

The truly amazing thing is that he is now my most adventurous eater - and he cooks!!   I am shocked by the things he is willing to eat now.  He married an Asian American and we went to her parents for dinner once.  It was traditional Chinese hot pot dinner and I was amazed at what he was eagerly eating and sharing with us.   It was very gratifying to see this change.  It helps that he fell in love with a foody and she loves trying all sorts of new things.  It's amazing what love will make a person do.   :laugh:

 

My dh is also a very picky eater.  He hasn't changed at all.  I have no idea how his mom dealt with it.

 

So there's hope for some picky eaters (esp. if they find the right partner ;)).  

 

Edited October 27, 2017 by PrincessMommy

[JonesinIndiana]

I put peanut butter and bread on the table along with whatever meal I cooked. If they didn’t like what I made, the other choice was already on the table. They might have a vegetable and a PB sandwich if the protein didn’t appeal to them. Fortunately, they weren’t picky eaters because I didn’t want to battle with food.

 

Both of my girls like a variety of foods now. I have one that is pickier with fruits; she’ll eat banana, apples, and watermelon only but that’s ok. She likes almost every kind of vegetable.

[Guest]

Okay is sounds like I am not too far off base.

 

I have a child that she HATES all vegetables. She really doesn't like meat that often either. So if we serve a meal that is rich in vegetables she balks. Refuses even a bite. She does this several times a week despite us saying how good it is (including 2 other children saying the same thing). She will refuse it. We say okay, but she isn't getting desert (which we have every night).

 

The next day though she expects more of the food she does like (cereal, sandwiches or whatever, she loves carbs). I say no, she gets a normal portion and go on from there.

 

So does this sound about right?

Our basic strategy was this: we had mealtimes and one planned snack time with little kids; no grazing. No juice or sugars to fill their bellies and suppress appetites. When meals were served, they were allowed to eat as much or as little as they wanted but I never permitted substitute meals. Never, ever, ever. When they were young enough that I served them, I put a small amount of all foods on their plates without commentary. Once in a blue moon I encouraged them to try something unfamiliar, but mostly I just ate my food and paid no attention to theirs beyond putting it on the plate. We didn’t have dessert every night, but when we did, “sweet treats are for bellies that have alreay had nutritious food.†They were never permitted to be rude about things they did not like. We had a timer we used when kids dawdled at a meal; it became a game. I would say, “we’re going to have to get out the cow timer if you donkt get busy eating your dinner.†After that, they would usually tuck in. I never provided “consolation prize†food later; eat dinner or go hungry.

 

I recognize that I may be lucky, but my kids all grew up to be good or great eaters. One child eats almost anything; sweet potatoes are the only food this child wants no part of AFAIK. My other kids have a few select things they don’t like, but they also can “eat around†the offender such as picking mushrooms off a pizza or eating shrimp fried rice but avoiding the shrimp.

 

The biggest thing I would recommend with vegetable-hater is to be totally certain this child is not suppressing appetite with juice or other sugars or snacking and grazing. When my kids were little, grazing was â€all the rage†and Dr. Sears kept touting this, but after trying it for like a week, I decided NO WAY. I felt like I made and cleaned up from food a hundred times a day. I think it is good for kids to experience hunger. Hungry people are also more open to trying different foods. I personally believe the grazing and constant food focus that was popular in the 90’s has contributed to the obesity epidemic in the US and has caused a lot of kids to grow up with a dysfunctionally large focus on food and eating. So, it’s one of my soapbox issues. YMMV, of course.

[DawnM]

My oldest has Asperger's.   We tried to make a big deal out of food.  It never worked.  It backfired, we lost the battle, and it upset him so much that the relationship ruining was not worth it.  I admit I did some things early on with him that I am not proud of.  I just didn't "get" that he wouldn't respond to things NT children would respond to in the same way.  I yelled.  I tried to force, I sent him to his room, it make me cry just to remember his reactions to my punishments.  To this day (he is 19) he struggles to eat much at all.  He just thinks eating is a waste of time for the most part.  But he does like healthy foods and will choose a soup and salad over a cheeseburger or fried foods.

 

And then my 2nd had some food texture issues.  If he ate tomatoes he would throw up for example.  But he was my eater and he would eat if he liked it.

 

It just wasn't worth it.  

[Ellie]

I have a method that I have always used but I want to know what other people do to see if my idea is mainstream. 

 

To be clear what I am talking about. I am talking about a child 3-6 years old, you serve them something to eat and either they play with it and don't take a bite, or just flat out refuse to eat it. 

 

Would what you do change if it was a several times a week thing, vs an every now and then thing (like 2-3 times a month at most)?

 

The food I serve is the food I serve. Of course I try to serve food that my family likes, but when it's on the table, it's all there is until the next meal (and we all eat the same food--no PBJ or cereal instead). I don't make a big deal about it. If the child plays with his food and doesn't eat, and complains about being famished half an hour after dinner, I tell him, regretfully, that the next meal won't be for another couple of hours (if he eats what I can tell is a decent amount for a little tummy, and he gets hungry an hour or so later, I'll let him have a piece of fruit).

[Ellie]

My DS has in 18 years consumed one baby tomato and one slice of cucumber.

We were guests at somebody's house, and their 4 y/o son put it on DS' plate.

For the sake of good manners, DS forced them down. It was painful to watch how he gagged and struggled.

He never ate any again.

 

See, Miss Manners has advice for what to do when one is served food one cannot eat: You play with the food. Stir the food you don't like, stir the food you do like and take a bite. Stir the food you don't like, stir the food you do like and take a bite. A good hostess will not comment on what her guests do or do not eat, but she notices and tries not to serve that food to that guest again.

 

Kudos for instilling the desire in your ds to behave well. :-)

[Upennmama]

I have 8 children from 4 different gene pools. With no exceptions, we handle eating simply. I offer food by putting a small portion on a plate. They are free to eat or not. I don't discuss, cajole, or argue. I don't care if they eat it, but nothing else will be offered. If you don't eat it you get nothing until the next meal. All my kids are different- some are picky, some not, but by 7-8 they have all eventually been "normal" waters, able to eat almost everything.

[regentrude]

See, Miss Manners has advice for what to do when one is served food one cannot eat: You play with the food. Stir the food you don't like, stir the food you do like and take a bite. Stir the food you don't like, stir the food you do like and take a bite. A good hostess will not comment on what her guests do or do not eat, but she notices and tries not to serve that food to that guest again.

 

Kudos for instilling the desire in your ds to behave well. :-)

 

LOL. Great advice. However, with one tomato and one slice of cucumber on a small plate all by themselves, that would have been rather difficult :)

 

[Familia]

One picky eater here.  I used to believe picky eaters were made, not born, but I now am more sympathetic.  Texture issues, super tasters, appetite differences -- whatever. 

Although I do have more sympathy about varying tastes now, it doesn't change the advice I gave professionally:

Parent's job is to provide a variety of food at meals.  The variety includes items that are appealing to at least everyone.  For example: perhaps bread and butter and fruit even with typical non-child friendly spicy entrees and vegetables.

Small portions of all foods are provided.

Child's job is to pick from served foods.

Nothing wrong with a 'one bite' house rule, but don't force it.

No short-order cooking, no getting up from table to choose own foods.  Family meal time is important time.

Never bribe with food.  Just too many food-issues in our culture.  Food is personally emotional in a good way -- we get a lot of satisfaction from food.  

Parents should never, ever, create unhealthy emotional attitudes with food by withholding, force-feeding, or making issues of food.

[Scarlett]

Last time I commented on a thread like this people got really irritated with me.  We're foster parents, so we have stricter rules than most. We've since had a kid stay with us that had a feeding tube, and I understand that can cause all sorts of sensory issues with textures and food later on, so first I want to comment that if there is any sort of medical or neurological issues this would go out the window, but generally our policy is this:

 

- A child must try three bites of everything on their plate.  They don't have to eat it, but they do have to try three bites.

- If they refuse to try three bites of everything on their plate I will not be giving them second helpings of the foods they do like, or making them something else, and they will not get dessert.  If they take three bites and still hate it, I'll make them an alternative, give them second helpings of what they do like, and they get dessert.

- Screaming or violent temper tantrums from those who are older than three at the table will not be tolerated.  That child can go to bed alone until the rest of the family is done eating because we will not hold everyone else emotionally hostage or walk on eggshells for one child. 

 

I know that might sound cruel.  Surprisingly a fair amount of kids from the foster system employ these tactics - when the only control they had in their own families was over food, and the only attention they got was for negative behaviors, this is pretty pervasive. They will claim to love a food one day and claim to hate the same food later in the same week.  I have heard from other families that particularly manipulative children will refuse to eat and then complain you're refusing to feed them, so if I get the impression a child is being particularly manipulative with food I pre-emptively make a video of their tantrum and refusal to eat and text all the social workers involved that they are refusing to eat.  With one child I had to threaten to take them to the emergency room because it was a very hot day and the child refused to drink anything either.  That child's social worker made it cleat to them that if necessary the child would be sedated and given a feeding tube, and then those tantrums stopped.

 

 

A lot of my friends have adopted kids from the foster care system.  The one I am closest to has a 10 year old and when she first came she was 9...VERY picky.  And to my farm raised friend who eats garden vegetables and beef they raise themselves....a picky eater was just NOT going to work.  Now a year later the girl will eat nearly anything.  I think in her case she had never been exposed to much variety.

[Scarlett]

My rule of eat your supper or no dessert never caused a problem in our house.  I wasn't insistent on cleaning the plate....just a reasonable amount of healthy food.  He loved cornbread when he was 3 or 4.....I remember his dad coming in the house while ds was eating and he said, 'hi dad if I eat 3 more bites of broccoli I can have all the cornbread I want!'  LOL  Now oddly enough he prefers broccoli to cornbread.

[3 ladybugs]

I know what I am about to say will fall on deaf ears and people will say that I am the exception to the rule but here is a story for you and where I am coming from. 

 

When my oldest was 15 months old I was diagnosed with a VERY rare form of lymphoma. My husband who was in pharma research at the time, looked up all he could in the medical journals and prayed and prayed that they were wrong. The cancer had less then a 50% 5 year survival rate. So needless to say for much of my treatment (I did have my moments) when my doctor said jump, I asked how high. One of the things she immediately put me on was a neutropenic diet. AWFUL diet. I couldn't eat anything that was even remotely fresh. It didn't matter as chemo knocked out my taste buds and I have never had a great since of smell. Because of this we were all on a VERY sad diet. I couldn't eat vegetables, fruit or anything of the sort. I was always tired and my husband worked over an hour away (each way commute). Everything tasted like cardboard so I didn't see the point of spending for the good stuff. So my son ate what I did. 

 

Like most people that live through something like that I did research on to how I could do things better. There was no history of cancer in my family. I was diagnosed only a year after my grandfather died of pancreatic cancer 6 weeks after he was diagnosed! So why did I get this? One of the things I found in my research was a more natural way of eating. We started eating Weston A Price way. I went through all of my cupboards and threw out all processed food. I didn't want it. I saw it as poison. Our son, now about 2 really didn't like all the vegetables that we were eating now, ALL THE TIME. He wanted the processed food we were eating when I had cancer. It was EXTREMELY hard but after 2 months of not letting him to eat any food at church or elsewhere, he stopped complaining and ate like we were eating. 

 

My oldest is now 9 years old. Since that time we have went full Paleo when my younger son was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy at 1 month of age. I did that as it was easiest way to cut out dairy. However I lost too much weight while Paleo and I had to have grains back in my diet. I then found out I was allergic to peanuts, pistachios and cashews and if you know anything about being paleo, you know that is REALLY not a good choice for me. So we now eat a diet high in veggies, but we have some processed food occasionally. No juices (I want my children to have the fiber that fruit provides) except on rare occasions. 

 

So you may think that my children are magic and that they were not picky ever. That is not the case at all. I have taken my son from eating processed Aldi food, to Paleo and now he will eat any veggie you put in front of him (brussel sprouts are my son's favorites). My youngest was brought up Paleo and actually doesn't like many carbs other then donuts (we all have our weaknesses). I also know how I felt when I couldn't eat veggies that were not cooked to death. Trust me I was never much of a salad eater before cancer, but I am sure one now. That is what I craved the most in treatment. 

 

So this why I worry about a child in my care that doesn't want to eat veggies. I have been there, it is much better to eat food then to not. 

[myfunnybunch]

For a 3-6 year old?

 

I made sure there was at least one thing on the table they’d eat at each meal.

I’d encourage them to try everything.

I’d fix a healthy snack before bed without relating it to what they ate at dinner, to avoid low blood sugar in the morning.

 

Really, doing that meant they didn’t really “refuse†to eat what was served. They could choose for themselves.

 

My boys are teens now. My kid who ate everything as a little one eats everything now. My boys with sensory issues eat a variety of healthy foods but if they don’t care for what’s on the table they try it and then go make a sandwich or scrambled eggs.

[wintermom]

She will refuse it. We say okay, but she isn't getting desert (which we have every night). 

 

 

Sounds like you are setting up a situation where she feels punished on a regular basis.

 

Why do you eat "dessert" every night?  Why not include whatever healthy food you choose as a "dessert" and have it as part of the meal. If the food is worth eating, then everyone should have the opportunity to eat it. 

 

If your dessert is unhealthy, then no one should be eating it every night.

Edited October 27, 2017 by wintermom

[ebrindam]

Make them something else...because they are kids and there are a ton of foods I don't want to eat on any given day, even if I liked them yesterday. *sigh*

[Scarlett]

Wanted to add...on the other side of that coin....my husband's side of the family has an eat what ever you want philosophy.  Nieces and nephews grew up eating 100% junk food. One nephew, now in high school, still only eats 100% junk. 100% of the  time. Not exaggerating. This is a lifestyle for them with very bad consequences. Mom, son, and one older (only in his thirties) nephew are all diabetic. There is never any concern about it. Never any encouragement for children to eat healthy foods. They all tend toward very large servings of whatever they are having. Gargantuous amounts of ice cream at one time, etc. 

 

I hate that. It makes me sick. So I have many internal struggles about food considering my experience as a child, as a young mom, and as a wife trying to find that balance between being too "controlling"  out of deep concern and knowing when I can't change things.

 

 

I agree it is a big balancing act.  My best friend has a super picky now 20 year old.  He is so skinny and sickly looking.  I can't help but think it has something to do with his diet.  But I clearly remember she let him eat whatever he wanted because she said he would not eat other wise.  I don't think Fungions for breakfast is advisable regardless of how picky they are!

[regentrude]

. Our son, now about 2 really didn't like all the vegetables that we were eating now, ALL THE TIME. He wanted the processed food we were eating when I had cancer. It was EXTREMELY hard but after 2 months of not letting him to eat any food at church or elsewhere, he stopped complaining and ate like we were eating. 

 

Surely you don't mean to tell us your 2 y/o went for two months without food until he was so starved that he ate his veggies?