Boycotting family holidays - are you?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Thread goals:

 

1.Let's not bring ourselves down by rehearsing all the heartbreaking or infuriating things that these horrible people have done.

 

2. Let's try to focus, instead, on the positive and healthy choices we will be making in lieu of driving to god knows where, just for another helping of god knows what kind of agony.

 

I'm not going to scold anybody for pouring out their souls if it's not possible to participate in the thread without doing that. Boss yourselves, the rules are just suggestions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll go first. My only regret about not going is that I am a full decade late in arriving at this decision. But I've heard a lot of people hit their forties and just can't put up with various types of garbage anymore, so maybe I'm just right on schedule?

 

Instead of volunteering for boredom combined with pain, I will be hosting a fun and happy dinner, just for my own little family, plus some of the kids' college friends and SOs will likely join us. So nice to not have to cook twice!! And then dh and I, along with minor kids still at home, are going to serve at a dinner for the homeless and families in need. We intend for that to be the new tradition, to take the place of the annual Surly Clan Gathering.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Tibbie Dunbar 2.0

[Arctic Bunny]

Oh, I wish I could see the whole thread title, but can’t on my phone!! I’m trying to decide between American Thanksgiving and Christmas, leaning towards Thanksgiving, but not sure what the question is, in case it’s Christmas!

[Liz CA]

We may be skipping Thanksgiving because extended family lives in the areas recently devastated by the fires in CA but then we may be trying to make something work. I think I am in the wrong thread - it occurs to me this is a thread for people who have trouble with extended family. Oops. Never mind.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Oh, I wish I could see the whole thread title, but can’t on my phone!! I’m trying to decide between American Thanksgiving and Christmas, leaning towards Thanksgiving, but not sure what the question is, in case it’s Christmas!

Oops. The whole title is:

 

"Without getting maudlin or sordid: Raise your hand if you're skipping extended family holidays this year."

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'll edit the title if I can, to reflect that it is Not Entirely Nice.

[Spryte]

I love our holidays at home!

 

My goal is for our kids to remember holidays in our home, with our core group, surrounded by love and warmth and our family traditions. Extended family is welcome to drop in or not, I certainly won't exclude anyone who wants to come here, and we invite friends and neighbors, too. When my kids are adults, I want them to recall holidays at home fondly, and want to bring their friends from college, their girlfriends and spouses, to share.

 

Last year was the first year that it hit me that *this* is what I want most of all, for Christmas... to create the holiday tradition that we can always count on, in our home.

[MEmama]

Always.

 

It's so peaceful and drama free. :)

[Miss Tick]

Oh, I wish I could see the whole thread title, but can’t on my phone!! I’m trying to decide between American Thanksgiving and Christmas, leaning towards Thanksgiving, but not sure what the question is, in case it’s Christmas!

For all of us cell phone limited folks, the title is "Without getting maudlin or sordid: Raise your hand if you're skipping extended family holidays this year."

 

I can definitely do that for Thanksgiving. My family is not local and we'll see them at Christmas (probably) and my in-laws suddenly moved away two years ago and haven't looked back or given any indication that they were open to visitors. Whatever! They aren't as anti-social add that sounds, so it is puzzling, but not my monkeys! I don't know yet how I'll spend the time.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

For all of us cell phone limited folks, the title is "Without getting maudlin or sordid: Raise your hand if you're skipping extended family holidays this year."

 

I can definitely do that for Thanksgiving. My family is not local and we'll see them at Christmas (probably) and my in-laws suddenly moved away two years ago and haven't looked back or given any indication that they were open to visitors. Whatever! They aren't as anti-social add that sounds, so it is puzzling, but not my monkeys! I don't know yet how I'll spend the time.

That's sad! Has anyone asked them what's up?

[laundrycrisis]

As a rule, we don’t travel for holidays. We did once, but only because an isolated parent had surgery and needed us there. We do our traveling to family at other times when it is easier and more affordable. And since we don’t have any relatives here, we are always on our own for holidays. It’s not a boycott of any kind - just a choice to keep things easygoing.

[snowbeltmom]

We have been a peaceful and drama-free zone for 5 years now.  It is wonderful.

[bettyandbob]

I've skipped that last few years. I regret not doing it sooner.

 

This year we will spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family. That's because dh sister and a niece (DD of another sister) will be in town. That doesn't happen except several years apart.

[prairiewindmomma]

I've got both hands up and I'm singing, "Freedom!"

[Elizabeth86]

Yep, I'm changing up Christmas traditions all around. Umdecided about Thanksgiving as there is really less to focus on my kids that day kwim? I do want Christmas to not be busy, I want it to be special and I want to enjoy my kids that day.

And for the record my family is not horrible. I live them and spending time with them, but the one cousin that hosts Christmas dinner for the extended family has missed the last 3 parties I had. If she's too busy for me I'm too busy for her. No bother to rsvp either.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Arctic Bunny]

Oops. The whole title is:

 

"Without getting maudlin or sordid: Raise your hand if you're skipping extended family holidays this year."

Thank you!

 

DH has conveniently worked every Christmas for the last 12 years. So, we celebrate with whomever would like to join us (and play by our rules and behave while they’re here). This is the first year we’ve lived in the same town as family, so this year they can come for a while and go home whenever they want! Some years some come, some years they all come, some years none come.

[shawthorne44]

We not really boycotting anything.   But a couple of years ago I put my foot down and said that "you've had 40 years of my coming to your house for Christmas.   Next 40 years (or when DD wants to host) will be at my house.  You'd have thought I cancelled Christmas.  They grudgingly come to our house for a couple of hours.  Whereas we were expected to stay for a couple of days.  

[gingersmom]

About 8 years ago I stopped attending Thanksgiving at my brothers house.

 

Best decision I ever made!!!!

[ScoutTN]

Instead of volunteering for boredom combined with pain, I will be hosting a fun and happy dinner, just for my own little family,

 

Well said.

 

This is us too. My mom and some neighbors will join us. We too incorporate some community service into our Thanksgiving. 

 

Much more work for me to make the whole dinner instead of just taking a couple of dishes to my IL's, but the day will still be SO much more relaxed. Plus, we will have leftovers. Pumpkin pie for breakfast! 

 

This year is one of the times when the Sunday after Thanksgiving is not the first Sunday in Advent, which I like because I enjoy just celebrating Thanksgiving at a slower pace and without the mad rush into Christmas.

 

We will be changing our participation in Christmas celebrations with dh's family this year too. Not total withdrawl, but more limited and on our preferred schedule, not theirs. 

Edited October 25, 2017 by ScoutTN

[Χά�ων]

I love our holidays at home!

 

My goal is for our kids to remember holidays in our home, with our core group, surrounded by love and warmth and our family traditions. Extended family is welcome to drop in or not, I certainly won't exclude anyone who wants to come here, and we invite friends and neighbors, too. When my kids are adults, I want them to recall holidays at home fondly, and want to bring their friends from college, their girlfriends and spouses, to share.

 

Last year was the first year that it hit me that *this* is what I want most of all, for Christmas... to create the holiday tradition that we can always count on, in our home.

This is our plan starting in 2018 when we will have a 6 month old. Back up plan is a hotel with an indoor water park and not revealing location.

 

My parents are fine coming to us or celebrating on a different day. My mom was a nurse in a hospital so celebrating a day or so before was my norm growing upand it is not a bug deal that DH now works holidays. Plus it was awesome to open family gifts 3 days before everyone else and still have Santa come! I do not care about the inlaws, some cannot even get into our house as it currently is and I am not sure we will be investing in accessible ramps or lifts before then, or if those people will still be alive.

 

It will be interesting to see if MIL cuts the BS when she realizes that DH will not be taking a nursing infant from it's mother and the mother will not go. I mean I guess if DH is able to lactate... (I could not resist).

 

It is a long way off so who knows.

 

 

 

This year for Christmas I am sticking with planning vacation around college breaks really limits us and by golly, I got a freakishly awesome deal to stay in Key West around New Year but since we can't fly it looks like we are driving, and it is a long drive. OK it was planned as a boycott and maybe that really awesome deal is limited to 3 people. No, really it was an awesome find. In June. Because my anxiety was already peaking. Vacation is paid for all we have to do is show up. I would love for this to be our new tradition but it is not going to be financially feasible. DH will finish his degree, I plan to return to school, and then DS will start college and he plans to pursue his masters degree and the money will go there.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 1, 2017 by Catheryn

[PeachyDoodle]

We gave up family get-togethers on my dad's side last year after his horrible sister and her NPD son managed to boot us out of our home (among other things). I hate it for my dad, as they are his only remaining family but I refuse to subject my children to them anymore.

 

On the bright side, this makes our Christmas Day so much more manageable by cutting out the last of our multiple stops. It was so relaxing to come home from dh's grandmother's last year, put up our feet, and watch the kids play with their new toys!!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm thinking of going out to dinner for Thanksgiving.  I'd like someone else to do the cooking. Just looking around for a place that is open.

 

I'm tired of being the one to do all the work.  So I'm going to not do all the work!

 

 

[Ravin]

We usually avoid family around Christmas/Yule because of religious differences. Last year I did Thanksgiving with family. It was great, it was fun. It is an experience I do not care to repeat again this year because there was also drama, good grief. So we'll be doing Thanksgiving with friends this year, and not traveling. We'll go see family at the beginning of summer probably. A year and a half between visits is a bit long, but also seems just right.

[rutamattatt]

We have done holidays on our own for years due to distance.  It was a huge adjustment for me who grew up with tons of extended family around the holidays, but I have to tell you we really enjoy our quiet family holidays now.  For Thanksgiving the kids help me make food and for Christmas we stay in our pajamas all day long and relax.  It's kind of fun to come up with you family's very own unique traditions!

 

My FIL has been able to join us for the last few years for Christmas.  He is super easy to have around, and having him here makes it extra special for my kids.  

[eternalsummer]

I'm thinking of going out to dinner for Thanksgiving.  I'd like someone else to do the cooking. Just looking around for a place that is open.

 

I'm tired of being the one to do all the work.  So I'm going to not do all the work!

 

When I was 5, my parents and I went out to Thanksgiving dinner at a local restaurant.  I still remember it, and would love to do something similar someday. (although with 8 of us, it would be both impractical and expensive!)

[shawthorne44]

When I was 5, my parents and I went out to Thanksgiving dinner at a local restaurant.  I still remember it, and would love to do something similar someday. (although with 8 of us, it would be both impractical and expensive!)

 

I have fond memories of Dad and I going to Luby's for to-go thanksgiving dinners one year.   Mom was in the hospital but known to be doing fine and home soon, so we weren't worried about her.  I don't think I'd want Luby's every year, but it was different and we were relieved about mom.  

[Hypatia.]

We started doing nuclear family only holidays about 12 years ago, initially due to distance after we moved cross-country. I love it, and after growing up with the holidays full of multiple stops and never waking up in my own bed it's a welcome change. We've made an exception twice in that time, visiting the ILs once for Christmas and once for Thanksgiving, and neither of those were enjoyable. 16 hour drive, sleeping on an air mattress or futon, no downtime (I'm an introvert), handling my ADHD/ODD son in an unfamiliar location while totally out of his routine... nope. 

 

We did eat out for Thanksgiving several years ago when I was heavily pregnant, just at a local diner that was open and serving Thanksgiving dinner. The kids and I enjoyed it, DH prefers to cook and eat at home. I enjoyed us not having to clean up after dinner.

[madteaparty]

Now, now. I don't boycott. I invite you over to my house with offers of beautiful food and holiday merriment. ðŸ˜

[SparklyUnicorn]

Now, now. I don't boycott. I invite you over to my house with offers of beautiful food and holiday merriment. ðŸ˜

 

What time should I be there?

 

:laugh:

[prairiewindmomma]

This is our plan starting in 2018 when we will have a 6 month old. Back up plan is a hotel with an indoor water park and not revealing location.

 

My parents are fine coming to us or celebrating on a different day. My mom was a nurse in a hospital so celebrating a day or so before was my norm growing upand it is not a bug deal that DH now works holidays. Plus it was awesome to open family gifts 3 days before everyone else and still have Santa come! I do not care about the inlaws, some cannot even get into our house as it currently is and I am not sure we will be investing in accessible ramps or lifts before then, or if those people will still be alive.

 

It will be interesting to see if MIL cuts the BS when she realizes that DH will not be taking a nursing infant from it's mother and the mother will not go. I mean I guess if DH is able to lactate... (I could not resist).

 

It is a long way off so who knows.

 

 

 

This year for Christmas I am sticking with planning vacation around college breaks really limits us and by golly, I got a freakishly awesome deal to stay in Key West around New Year but since we can't fly it looks like we are driving, and it is a long drive. OK it was planned as a boycott and maybe that really awesome deal is limited to 3 people. No, really it was an awesome find. In June. Because my anxiety was already peaking. Vacation is paid for all we have to do is show up. I would love for this to be our new tradition but it is not going to be financially feasible. DH will finish his degree, I plan to return to school, and then DS will start college and he plans to pursue his masters degree and the money will go there.

Congrats!!

[SparklyUnicorn]

When I was 5, my parents and I went out to Thanksgiving dinner at a local restaurant.  I still remember it, and would love to do something similar someday. (although with 8 of us, it would be both impractical and expensive!)

 

It'll be just four of us this year.  It is almost difficult to make a full Thanksgiving spread for four people!  I don't mind dealing with the leftovers, but ya know...it's hard to make all the stuff we'd like to have for just four people. 

[hornblower]

Canadian Thansksgiving is over and yup, we managed to completely duck out of that one.   

The December hols will be harder. I'm pondering how to handle things. 

[lavender's green]

Not exactly boycotting, because we almost never travel for the holidays and everyone else is far away. But yes, we're staying home despite some guilt-tripping, and it's going to be awesome. No stress, no dangerous roads, no drama. Pure gold.

 

I realized that I almost said we never travel for holidays, then I remembered the one time early in our marriage we did go to visit family (both sides) the week after Christmas. That trip was the stuff nightmares are made of. No one deserves to be treated that way. And no, you don't get a pass to be cruel just because you're "family." We still visit family (ones who treat us well), but there are about 360 non-major-holiday days in the year for that.

 

I'm open to change as the kids and the elderly relatives grow older (I wouldn't want a widowed relative to have to be alone just because of our self-imposed holiday travel ban, for example), but for now....drama-free holidays are awesome.

[Rosika]

No, guilt trips totally work on me so I won't be boycotting. But my reasons for not going are probably more superficial than the reasons other people choose to skip the family (or)deal. And there are enough of us that I can manage to avoid the people I want to avoid, and even slip out for hours at a time without too much notice. I usually show my face for the meal and the late night card games, and then I hang out with friends or see a movie during most the socializing part. I'm also the mom/aunt who offers to run the kids to the park when they start getting rowdy or bored at the house, so that gives me another out. 

 

:grouphug: It must feel empowering to just own the decision to not go! Maybe I'll be ready to join your boycott another year. 

[Acadie]

Can I join in if I'm not entirely boycotting?

 

My birthday is the day after Christmas, so my new policy is that we're available to travel to see family Dec 27, after enjoying Christmas and my birthday at home. I make the Quebecois meat pie tourtiere Christmas Eve, and we invite friends over.

 

For Thanksgiving we're getting a hotel room instead of staying at the ILs. If the boredom/pain/drama is too great, I'll drop off dh and kids and head back to the hotel to swim and write, which sounds like heaven to my introverted soul and could be a great time to move along a book project. My contribution to dinner will be the frozen cheesecake assortment from Costco (it's good!) and some pies.

 

But who knows--depending how all this goes, I just might opt for the full boycott next year.

 

Amy

[gardenmom5]

I used to host dh's family for thanksgiving *every year*.   several years ago, I was finally able to get dh to agree to not host.  sil did - then dh saw what I had been complaining about, and he didn't want to have thanksgiving with them either.

 

it has been glorious to NOT have to interact with dh's family at holidays.

 

My mother is deceased - and my relationship with my siblings is strained.  (it really is how we were raised.)

one daughter is in texas - and two of my son's will fly down on christmas day after presents (we do dinner christmas eve) to visit her.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Can I join in if I'm not entirely boycotting?

 

 

 

 

 

Amy

Lol! This is a judgment free thread. You do not have to fully commit to disliking your relatives.

[aggieamy]

My parents live in PA and we live in the mid-west so travel either way is hard during the holidays and we see them lots during the year as is. The rest of my family and the rest of DH's? Nope. Double nope. 

 

Thanksgiving we are going rustic camping in a cabin way in the woods by a lake! I'm totally excited about it. It'll be cold but the cabin has a wood heater and that's it. We've been talking about camping over Thanksgiving for years and now we're actually doing it.

 

Christmas we have our own traditions and love it. Just our little family but it's perfect.

[ScoutTN]

We have been doing Thanksgiving with my IL's every other year or every two for a while. That was ok (not fun, but endurable) til they were really mean and ugly to my mom last year. (They are to me too, but behind my back.) Mom has no one else with whom to celebrate, she moved here to be with us, and she's 81, so no way am I abandoning her for a major holiday. Years ago she had more friends to do things with, but many have died, are too old or ill to host/cook or are exhausted by caring for a spouse who is ill. Getting old is not easy! 

 

Ds will miss not being with cousins, but as long as we have people here, he will have fun. The cousins are often not kind to him and (Ds usually doesn't understand their teasing, but he gets vaguely uneasy and on edge.) are not well-behaved, so I would rather he not spend much time with them. Dd does not enjoy the cousins and would rather be home. 

 

We have always done Christmas Day at home. Sometimes we have gone to someone's house for dinner late in the day or had a small group over for cookies and cocoa. We have always kept it very relaxed and fun. Christmas Eve is the big day for dh's family and it has been a problem, in various ways, for years. We will be participating in a much more limited way from now on, so that worship and our church family get the prime time and the most time. 

 

 

 

 

[Rosika]

We have been doing Thanksgiving with my IL's every other year or every two for a while. That was ok (not fun, but endurable) til they were really mean and ugly to my mom last year. (They are to me too, but behind my back.) 

 

 

:sad: What ugly people!!

 

You're a great wife for tolerating it as long as you did, and the best daughter ever for refusing to any longer. 

[saraha]

I wish. Every year for the last 15 I have asked can we just do Christmas at home, or can we just go over to inlaws for just a few hours. Every year might be their last, so every year we go. Boo. I wouldn't mind even if we just went for a few hours, but he agrees to that, then a few hours turns into 8. There are only 2 farms between ours and theirs, so we see them weekly, and most of the time more than once a week. It stinks.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I wish. Every year for the last 15 I have asked can we just do Christmas at home, or can we just go over to inlaws for just a few hours. Every year might be their last, so every year we go. Boo. I wouldn't mind even if we just went for a few hours, but he agrees to that, then a few hours turns into 8. There are only 2 farms between ours and theirs, so we see them weekly, and most of the time more than once a week. It stinks.

Seriously ugh.

[saraha]

Seriously ugh.

 

Haha, I know, right?

[dirty ethel rackham]

We are skipping my family's Thanksgiving celebration this year.  Last year, we were pretty disgusted by the focus on drinking.  We got there by 2 and most of my family was half in the bag.  While they can be a fun bunch, this is just too much.  And I am even more convinced it is the right decision.  A group text has been lauding the preparations for the drinkfest.  No thanks.  We'll pass.  I have no issue with social drinking, but the goal of getting hammered is just too much.  I am hoping we can volunteer to serve the meal at a homeless shelter instead.  

[TravelingChris]

We have done Nuclear Family Plus a little more for every holiday after about one or two years we were married. For Thanksgiving, we have any children in town including my son-in--law plus any friends of theirs- like one year recently we had my youngest, my oldest plus his roommate and a friend of theirs from college (a Captain in the Army who could not go home to his family for the holiday).  For Christmas, we almost always have my brother come visit plus any of my kids and son in law in town.  

 

 

Only one of my kids misses not having a larger family and even she admits that many times extended families are more of a hassle.

[lots of little ducklings]

In one of her online conference sessions a couple of years ago, SWB's comment about traveling for holidays (namely, don't) gave me the courage to finally buck tradition. 

 

Best. Decision. Ever.

 

 

 

I so wish I'd done it earlier.  Our drama-free Thanksgiving and Christmas at home (with dear friends joining us) is such a blessing. Totally worth being written out of the will.   ;)

[Rachel]

We sort of opt out. We keep Thanksgiving Day for us and the kids. We invite my in-laws but they rarely both come, sometimes one comes, sometimes neither. We also invite anyone who may not have family in the area, rarely has anyone taken up the offer but I know people appreciate knowing they have a place to go.

 

If the celebrations for my inlaws extended family work out for us to go, we go. However we don't ask anyone to schedule around us. We were volunteered to host last year. When we agreed but said we will only host one combined Thanksgiving/Christmas on this date, we were unvolunteered. There is one aunt that wants everything done around her complicated schedule but she doesn't want to host, or listen to the hostess. Once we made the decision to attend only if we could, it relieved a ton of pressure.

 

My family lives across the country so we don't celebrate any holidays with them. Once we had kids I decided I didn't want to travel for holidays, so we haven't. It's nice being home especially for Christmas.

[Epicurean]

I'm literally taking notes from this thread. We are going to drop the bomb over text, because neither of us can deal with the tears and tantrums over the phone or in person. Here's some of what I've stolen from you guys so far that i plan on using. Keep them coming!

 

I'm substituting D: for :cursing: because evidently you're only allowed to use so many emoticons in a single post, ha.

 

---

You guys should come to our house for Christmas! :) It'll be our first Christmas in our new home, and you haven't seen our house yet. It'll be great.

D:

We really don't want to travel for the holidays, the roads are bad and [9 month old] hates being stuck in her car seat.
D: D:

We really want to have our kids' memories of Christmas to be here at home.
D: D: D:

We've done Christmas at your house for the past thirteen years. Now that we have a house of our own, it's our turn to host.

D: D: D: D:

You're welcome any time, just let us know when you'd like to come. We really want to you and FIL to come be a part of our Christmas tradition.

D: D: D: D: D:

Edited October 26, 2017 by Epicurean

[Rachel]

My mom didn't/doesn't always give great advise but when I got married she told me that my husband and I were now a family and needed to make our own decisions. That was very freeing and I appreciated having permission to do what we as a couple wanted to do. I hope I can pass that on to my children.

 

I'm giving you permission to celebrate the way you want. How exciting to be in your new home with a new baby!

 

I'm literally taking notes from this thread. We are going to drop the bomb over text, because neither of us can deal with the tears and tantrums over the phone or in person. Here's some of what I've stolen from you guys so far that i plan on using. Keep them coming!

 

I'm substituting D: for :cursing: because evidently you're only allowed to use so many emoticons in a single post, ha.

 

---

You guys should come to our house for Christmas! :) It'll be our first Christmas in our new home, and you haven't seen our house yet. It'll be great.

D:

We really don't want to travel for the holidays, the roads are bad and [9 month old] hates being stuck in her car seat.

D: D:

We really want to have our kids' memories of Christmas to be here at home.

D: D: D:

We've done Christmas at your house for the past thirteen years. Now that we have a house of our own, it's our turn to host.

D: D: D: D:

You're welcome any time, just let us know when you'd like to come. We really want to you and FIL to come be a part of our Christmas tradition.

D: D: D: D: D:

[Misha]

When the girls were 1 and 7 months, we went to Thanksgiving at my aunt's house. It started snowing heavily, and we wound up not getting home til almost midnight. We decided to stay home on Christmas and haven't looked back since. 

We live across the country from both families now (by choice) and wouldn't trade our cozy, in-house, family holidays for anything.