DH & I never agree. How much do you spend per child at Xmas?

[Alicia64]

As our boys have gotten older, dh and I -- sadly -- are at odds on how much to spend on our two kids at Xmas.

 

There was very little money in dh's house throughout his childhood. Plus his mom was incredibly neglectful. So, he'd often get a check pinned on one of the branches of the Xmas tree. (Nothing more, just a check.)

 

My parents actually did pretty well at Xmas. They stayed within a budget, but made the day look and feel lavish. (For example, they "gave" my sister and I a TV one year. We were over the moon. We always considered it ours, but it really was just a second TV for the den.) They usually gave us one huge thing and lots of little fun things like nail polish etc.

 

Our boys -- both 13 -- don't get an allowance. Plus they tend to only get presents at their bday and Xmas. My husband says he buys stuff throughout the year and gives it to them, but that has gone away as they've gotten older.

 

Bottom line: I like to spend about $200 per kid, but that is on one big gift, a medium gift, and gifts involving what they need anyway: new shirts that fit, new pajamas etc. This year the big gift is a drone each ($44) and a notebook ($100). This notebook is their first tech device of their own. We have family laptops, but they don't have ipods or phones or anything.

 

On top of the drone and notebook they're getting tee shirts, new pajamas and relatively inexpensive items: $15 watch etc.

 

We're estranged from both his mom and my parents. So no gifts from them. My sister sends gifts but they can't be elaborate b/c she has kids of her own.

 

We're not hurting financially, but he tends to treat me like someone who will run up the credit cards if he doesn't watch my every move. (I've never done it. In fact, I took a 1/4-time job that I've had since the kids were three b/c I thought he was being too tight and controlling with money.)

 

What do you think? Am I out of line?

 

Alley

[catz]

If you're paying out of pocket and not dipping into savings and it doesn't affect your other budgetary items, that doesn't sound excessive to me at all.  Especially since you're buying stuff you really kind of need.  The only extravagant items are the drones IMO.  I shop like you for christmas.  80% of what my kids get for Christmas is stuff I'd buy more sporadically if we didn't celebrate.

 

I almost cried spending $100 on a huge prime rib roast today.  It's for 2 different large family meals at our house (we are hosting twice.  Why?!  Taking note for next year.) and the holidays is the ONLY time of year I'd buy a cut of meat like this but oi.   I can see the extravagance of that for sure. 

[jewellsmommy]

I think what you describe sounds extremely reasonable.

[Bluegoat]

I don't think that is far out spending.  You could do less and that would be fine too, I think, but it isn't what I'd consider over the top and I am pretty minimalist about Christmas spending.

 

It sounds like maybe the notebooks are an unusual thing.  Maybe if you could point out to your dh that you won't be buying that kind of stuff every year it will help him relax.  He probably just tends to feel anxious about money.

[SparklyUnicorn]

You don't sound out of line to me at all.  No suggestion for your disagreement though.  DH and I aren't exactly the same on this issue either, but he let's me decide how much to spend.  I think part of the issue with him is he doesn't seem to realize what stuff costs because he never goes shopping.  Never ever....  He really doesn't say much about what I spend though. 

[marbel]

Well, that would be a lot per kid in my house at those ages.   So, reasonable is a relative term.  It really doesn't matter what other people spend; what matter is what your family feels comfortable with and what you can afford.

 

Now having said that - the notebooks make it more reasonable to me.  Something special like that, which is also going to be very useful (I assume they'll be able to use them for schoolwork) is different than buying frivolous stuff.  

[maize]

Your gift giving sounds reasonable. Based on what you have written your husband likely has underlying anxiety regarding money and finances; that is really his problem to deal with and it is not fair of him to project his issues onto you (treating you as if you are financially irresponsible when you are not).

 

If he would be open to couples therapy a good therapist might possibly help you and him relate better in the finance area. The key is to find someone you both work well with. If that is not an option then maybe accepting that this is his anxiety and his issue can help you cope with his negative feelings/comments. I'm not sure that trying to be more accommodating of his anxieties would be worthwhile; my experience with my own husband's anxiety is that it mostly finds something to focus on and removing the current apparent stressor doesn't actually change his level of stress.

Edited December 22, 2016 by maize

[cjzimmer1]

While that is significantly more than I spend on my kids, it still sounds very reasonable to me too.  Especially when you consider they aren't getting presents elsewhere and you can afford the gifts.  Both of those would play a significant factor in what I'm willing to spend.  But if you DH is frugal by nature, it's probably hard for him to spend that much money on things that aren't absolute necessities.

[Arcadia]

There was very little money in dh's house throughout his childhood.

 

We're not hurting financially, but he tends to treat me like someone who will run up the credit cards if he doesn't watch my every move. (I've never done it. In fact, I took a 1/4-time job that I've had since the kids were three b/c I thought he was being too tight and controlling with money.)

My dad had very little fun money growing up even though all needs are met. He has 8 older siblings and my grandpa is self employed. So he is always scared about money running out from childhood to retiree. He has a pension but he is worried about us (children) being financially tight.

 

My husband is also super cautious about money because my in-laws are financially tight especially now that FIL is retired without pension. I was annoyed with him recently over replacing my almost dead iphone (battery is dead so it has to be on a charger all the time) and he realized he freak out too much when I said I'll ask my parents to gift me one. He doesn't check my spending at all but if we discuss about a potential expense, he gets the financial insecurity jitters.

 

I don't think the problem is you or your spending. The problem is financial insecurity effects lingers even when your family may now be in much better financial position.

 

My kids get Christmas presents from our Christian relatives but not from us. We are an atheist-agnostic family but we will be buying for our Christian nephews and nieces. Our boys have no birthday (both in early December) wishlist this year so we ended up replacing their old iPads with new iPad Air 2 ($390 each) and spent $80 on a sushi dinner as a birthday celebration. So all in we spent $900 total on both boys for their birthday including two birthday cakes.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Arcadia

[mommyoffive]

My dad had very little fun money growing up even though all needs are met. He has 8 older siblings and my grandpa is self employed. So he is always scared about money running out from childhood to retiree. He has a pension but he is worried about us (children) being financially tight.

 

My husband is also super cautious about money because my in-laws are financially tight especially now that FIL is retired without pension. I was annoyed with him recently over replacing my almost dead iphone (battery is dead so it has to be on a charger all the time) and he realized he freak out too much when I said I'll ask my parents to gift me one. He doesn't check my spending at all but if we discuss about a potential expense, he gets the financial insecurity jitters.

 

I don't think the problem is you or your spending. The problem is financial insecurity effects lingers even when your family may now be in much better financial position.

 

My kids get Christmas presents from our Christian relatives but not from us. We are a atheist-agnostic family but we will be buying for our Christian nephews and nieces. Our boys have no birthday (both in early December) wishlist this year so we ended up replacing their old iPads with new iPad Air 2 ($390 each) and spent $80 on a sushi dinner as a birthday celebration. So all in we spent $900 total on both boys for their birthday.

 

 

Soo true.

 

 

If you are in line in your own life, paying bills and have savings I see nothing wrong with what you spent.  I think it is more about you and your dh getting on the same page together.  And that is hard when you both come for different backgrounds with money.

But you need to talk and figure that out.

 

 

We do not buy our kids any toys or anything during the year.  We used to do huge Christmases but then so does the extended family.  It got to be just way way to much.  So many toys that a year later they don't touch.  Stuff from last year that are still not opened.  So Santa doesn't bring so much stuff now.  But gives them a trip every year.

We even do that for birthdays.  I never wanted to do the kid birthday party show, so we go on a family trip instead.

 

We are not spending much on our 5 this year.   Bought a few presents but most of it was paid for with Giftcards  from things we returned that were gifted to us. 

They are getting a few lego sets, a new kitchen (because ours has fallen apart) and that is about it, for stuff.   

 

They will also be getting 2 trips.

I know it is kind of let down when they come down and don't see a lot of stuff.  But we have to much anyhow and then they will get so much later on from others.

 

So other than the trips I think we may have spent $100 out of pocket?  Total for all kids.   Now you throw in how much the trips will cost us in the end and that number shoots up. 

ALOT.

 

:)

[Guest]

Well as to how to deal with it, I decided I'd go to the mat for my gift-giving stance. Dh decided he would not. So there ya go.

 

Before I went to the mat, so to speak, for it, I bought Xmas gifts throughout the year so that the expenses were practically untraceable. Twenty bucks here, twenty there.

 

Didn't you have an issue last year with a DS wanting a specific Lego set? Or was that someone else?

 

Big, can relate hugs in any case!!

 

And ditto sparkly to the no idea what things cost, too.

[fraidycat]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

[Alicia64]

Didn't you have an issue last year with a DS wanting a specific Lego set? Or was that someone else?

 

 

 

Our big meltdown last year was that dh bought gifts IN FRONT of the boys -- and then acted like, "What?! They don't believe in Santa anymore."

 

I only found out b/c one of the boys came to me and quietly said, "Can you ask Dad not to buy gifts when we're with him? We like the surprise."

 

Duh!!

 

So, he did it again in November. He bought them a Lego advent calendar in front of them. One of the boys said something to me. I acted like I didn't know what had happened and just politely requested that he not buy gifts in front of the kids this year.

 

He just nodded and said, "okay."

 

Dh is somewhere on the Asperger spectrum. He's not socially awesome -- plus he was raised without enough to pay the bills. His mom was riding a bike for a few years b/c they didn't have a car. It was only her new husband that helped the family get more functional.

 

But I want to add, he's a very caring dad. Really involved with the boys lives. He just doesn't seem to get Christmas. And, then, yes, he projects everything onto me.

 

Maize -- Totally on board about seeing a therapist, but dh won't do it.

 

Marbel -- I'm not very techie. I don't even know what you can do with a notebook. I actually wanted to get the boys their first ipod -- and dh freaked at the price for an ipod. So he found Samsung notebooks for $50 each and added stuff to them bringing their price to $100. I don't really know how these things can be used for school.

 

WoolySocks -- See, that's another thing. We don't do entertaining like that so we're never spending big on family parties.

 

I do want to add -- for fairness' sake -- that we give my best friend from childhood's daughter (we're all close) $100 bill for Xmas and at her bday. Dh even gets the bill from the bank!! (I finally said, "You're giving more money to "Mary" than our own kids for Xmas??"

 

His idea is that we should spend only $60 per child.

 

Thanks everyone -- you guys are great.

 

Alley

Edited December 22, 2016 by Alicia64

[Alicia64]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Liz CA]

As our boys have gotten older, dh and I -- sadly -- are at odds on how much to spend on our two kids at Xmas.

 

There was very little money in dh's house throughout his childhood. Plus his mom was incredibly neglectful. So, he'd often get a check pinned on one of the branches of the Xmas tree. (Nothing more, just a check.)

 

My parents actually did pretty well at Xmas. They stayed within a budget, but made the day look and feel lavish. (For example, they "gave" my sister and I a TV one year. We were over the moon. We always considered it ours, but it really was just a second TV for the den.) They usually gave us one huge thing and lots of little fun things like nail polish etc.

 

Our boys -- both 13 -- don't get an allowance. Plus they tend to only get presents at their bday and Xmas. My husband says he buys stuff throughout the year and gives it to them, but that has gone away as they've gotten older.

 

Bottom line: I like to spend about $200 per kid, but that is on one big gift, a medium gift, and gifts involving what they need anyway: new shirts that fit, new pajamas etc. This year the big gift is a drone each ($44) and a notebook ($100). This notebook is their first tech device of their own. We have family laptops, but they don't have ipods or phones or anything.

 

On top of the drone and notebook they're getting tee shirts, new pajamas and relatively inexpensive items: $15 watch etc.

 

We're estranged from both his mom and my parents. So no gifts from them. My sister sends gifts but they can't be elaborate b/c she has kids of her own.

 

We're not hurting financially, but he tends to treat me like someone who will run up the credit cards if he doesn't watch my every move. (I've never done it. In fact, I took a 1/4-time job that I've had since the kids were three b/c I thought he was being too tight and controlling with money.)

 

What do you think? Am I out of line?

 

Alley

 

Some of what you are describing (in your other post that I did not quote here) seems to come from growing up with someone who just pinned a check to the tree and sounds like little effort was made to make Christmas something special. He may not realize that this seems odd to someone else. So much of the "magic" of Christmas comes from either long-held tradition (and religious beliefs if based on that) or a lot of effort from someone to make it memorable - in many cases both. If your dh had nothing in that direction, he may simply not be able to understand what all the fuss is about.

 

I usually find myself in opposite position with my dh as he likes to spend liberally on Christmas gifts (he loves to give gifts) and we therefore have a little "meeting" in November or early December and I say something like: "You know how I am. I kinda need to know what the budget is to make me feel I don't go overboard with spending. Can we discuss how much we will spend this year - approximately?" He humors me and we usually come to an agreement give or take a few dollars, of course.

 

 

 

If you're paying out of pocket and not dipping into savings and it doesn't affect your other budgetary items, that doesn't sound excessive to me at all.  Especially since you're buying stuff you really kind of need.  The only extravagant items are the drones IMO.  I shop like you for christmas.  80% of what my kids get for Christmas is stuff I'd buy more sporadically if we didn't celebrate.

 

I almost cried spending $100 on a huge prime rib roast today.  It's for 2 different large family meals at our house (we are hosting twice.  Why?!  Taking note for next year.) and the holidays is the ONLY time of year I'd buy a cut of meat like this but oi.   I can see the extravagance of that for sure. 

 

I view good food as part of the Christmas specialness and associated expenses. Enjoying a wonderful meal with family is soothing and peaceful to me. Can't put a price on that. :)

[Liz CA]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

 

Are you calling dh and me immoral? What is the $ cut-off between moral and immoral ?  :ohmy:  

 

[AimeeM]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

What she said.  :glare: Your DH is a lucky fella, indeed.

[Night Elf]

Finance discussions can get heated in some marriages. I'm pleased that my DH and I have always been on the same page so we've had no arguments about it. He gets a bonus every year and we use part of that money on the kids so we never go into debt for Christmas. We have other debt to worry about. We spend a fair amount on each child. As they were growing up, I focused more on making sure they had an equal number of presents so sometimes i spent more on one or two than the other. Now that they've grown, we do an equal amount of money. They think that's fair as they aren't all gift driven. They don't mind if they don't have the same amount of gifts. In fact, my youngest dd was worried we were spending too much. Once I explained to her how they get a portion of his bonus as we think is fair, she felt better about it.

[poppy]

I spend way more than that. I spend more that that on  EACH kid.

 

I hope your DH is able to enjoy the season. I know it's hard for a  lot of people.  Hugs.

Edited December 22, 2016 by poppy

[jewellsmommy]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

 

I can feel a little intimidated reading about how disciplined and frugal everyone else seems to be. :blush:  I am reserved the rest of the year, but I'll admit that I am not at Christmas. Gasp, I even use credit cards...and I don't pay them off immediately. We get our taxes back in February. I take care of it then. I have my reasons. I'm not buying ponies and trained squirrels, but I probably do spend more than I "should."

 

I had a friend (emphasis on had) that would try to make me feel shameful because she only bought 3 presents for her ds for Christmas (the whole "Jesus got 3 presents..." argument). But, actually, the scam was that she used 3 boxes, putting 4 or 5 items in each package :001_rolleyes: . Um, hello, how is that different than me buying 15 gifts? There is nothing morally superior in that. I am so over the judginess that can come with Christmas.  :rant:

* Not saying that anyone here is doing this

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm not going to tell you what I spend on my kids, because history has shown me it won't go well here. Frugality= morality on these boards. But, you can tell your DH that he is very lucky he has you shopping instead of me.

 

Yeah truth be told I am generous at xmas.  My reasoning is mostly because I want to.  :laugh:

[poppy]

I can feel a little intimidated reading about how disciplined and frugal everyone else seems to be. :blush:  I am reserved the rest of the year, but I'll admit that I am not at Christmas. Gasp, I even use credit cards...and I don't pay them off immediately. We get our taxes back in February. I take care of it then. I have my reasons. I'm not buying ponies and trained squirrels, but I probably do spend more than I "should."

 

I had a friend (emphasis on had) that would try to make me feel shameful because she only bought 3 presents for her ds for Christmas (the whole "Jesus got 3 presents..." argument). But, actually, the scam was that she used 3 boxes, putting 4 or 5 items in each package :001_rolleyes: . Um, hello, how is that different than me buying 15 gifts? There is nothing morally superior in that. I am so over the judginess that can come with Christmas.  :rant:

* Not saying that anyone here is doing this

 

 

My kids get a dozen gifts but ain't none of them GOLD.

[6packofun]

I spend whatever I want out of what we have. How's that?  Some years it's not a whole lot and this year it was a lot more.  

 

I don't see anything good coming from sharing or comparing amounts.  lol

[zoobie]

$60/kid is $5/month. If they're not getting other goodies throughout the year, that's not much fun stuff. Even $200/kid is extremely frugal IMO. My kids need new bikes. The oldest are adult sized, so that's not a cheap gift. They'll get other things too. Our little ones are around $200/each, if not under.

 

My dad is really, really frugal. He's loosened up a bunch over the years, but he and my stepmother worked out a system where they got X% of their paychecks to use however they saw fit. They direct deposited it into separate checking accounts out of their joint account. My dad saved the vast majority of his. She didn't. We still have issues with him buying something because it's cheap vs what would work best. Example: they redid their bathrooms after 30 years. He always comments on how our toilet is more comfortable. It's the taller model. Instead of putting the comfort height in their bathroom, he bought the shorter one because it was $40 less. 30 years of having an uncomfortable toilet, and he wouldn't spend an extra $40 to get the good one.

 

Will your kids use the $100 Samsung whatever as much as they'd use a $200 iPod? Mine wouldn't, and it would be a waste of $100. Utility matters too, which is something the uber frugal sometimes miss.

[HomeAgain]

This year dh and I spent half as much on the 6yo as we did on the 17yo.  Their interests are very different.

 

Though, with tuition and books coming up before the end of the holidays, and then all the fees for graduation, it might have been better if we had reversed our spending on the children. :lol: Give the big child a wrapped box with school books in it and an $80 cap and gown (yes, really!).

[fraidycat]

Are you calling dh and me immoral? What is the $ cut-off between moral and immoral ? :ohmy:

 

:lol: Welcome to the club?

 

I'm not sure what the cut-off is. All I've gleaned is that DH and I are immoral. :D

Edited December 22, 2016 by fraidycat

[freesia]

There isn't a right answer here.  We spend way, way less and that is okay.  $200 is okay.  What I don't think is okay is putting it on credit cards or spending that much because you feel you "have to" or the day won't be good.  But, I do think it's important to come to an agreement with your dh.  Is the money there? Why is he worried?  Is he afraid that much will do some harm to them?  Communicate, but try to be aware that his way is okay, too.

[Ananda]

My kids are little 7, 4 & 1.  I don't give them birthday or Christmas presents.  They have very generous grandparents (on both sides) and a spinster great aunt.  I've had trouble compiling a wish list for them.  Especially for the one year old.  I do buy them things through out the year as appropriate.  I also go all out for Easter getting all sorts of stuff as if it were Christmas.  I think each family has to work out for themselves what is appropriate.  I definitely didn't think I would give them nothing for Christmas, but that's how it has worked out.

[Guest]

As our boys have gotten older, dh and I -- sadly -- are at odds on how much to spend on our two kids at Xmas.

 

There was very little money in dh's house throughout his childhood. Plus his mom was incredibly neglectful. So, he'd often get a check pinned on one of the branches of the Xmas tree. (Nothing more, just a check.)

 

My parents actually did pretty well at Xmas. They stayed within a budget, but made the day look and feel lavish. (For example, they "gave" my sister and I a TV one year. We were over the moon. We always considered it ours, but it really was just a second TV for the den.) They usually gave us one huge thing and lots of little fun things like nail polish etc.

 

Our boys -- both 13 -- don't get an allowance. Plus they tend to only get presents at their bday and Xmas. My husband says he buys stuff throughout the year and gives it to them, but that has gone away as they've gotten older.

 

Bottom line: I like to spend about $200 per kid, but that is on one big gift, a medium gift, and gifts involving what they need anyway: new shirts that fit, new pajamas etc. This year the big gift is a drone each ($44) and a notebook ($100). This notebook is their first tech device of their own. We have family laptops, but they don't have ipods or phones or anything.

 

On top of the drone and notebook they're getting tee shirts, new pajamas and relatively inexpensive items: $15 watch etc.

 

We're estranged from both his mom and my parents. So no gifts from them. My sister sends gifts but they can't be elaborate b/c she has kids of her own.

 

We're not hurting financially, but he tends to treat me like someone who will run up the credit cards if he doesn't watch my every move. (I've never done it. In fact, I took a 1/4-time job that I've had since the kids were three b/c I thought he was being too tight and controlling with money.)

 

What do you think? Am I out of line?

 

Alley

Your description sounds totally ordinary to me and is similar to what I would do. My Christmas budget is big this year and it was last year; it's kind of a good thing that I manage the money and the gifts because I think DH would possibly go into shock if he really knew an exact dollar amount. ;)

 

With that said, these sort of ideas are difficult to change in a spouse. I think we all come with an internal set point of what we think is normal for all sorts of things. It's why I "can't" buy a certain kind of car or a certain brand of furniture or a certain kind of purse. My inner set point cries that a purse should never cost that much, KWIM? So t doesn't really matter whether or not I can afford it. I just have difficulty going beyond what seems like a normal amount of money for certain kinds of things.

[Garga]

We spend $200 per boy. It is not too much for us. We could spend more if we wanted to. DH didn't have a poor childhood growing up, but he has had some weird Christmas issues. We don't buy the boys much throughout the year. We spend about $100 per birthday. I think that a total of $600 per year on the kids isn't over spending at all.

 

If it was up to me, I'd spend $300 on each of them as they are getting older and their stuff costs so much, plus they don't get stuff throughout the year.

 

It's taken a few years for DH to come to grips with the $200. I make sure he doesn't do the actual buying. Watching the money be spent makes him anxious, so I get all the gifts on my own. I don't even tell DH what the kids get. I just make decisions and get it. When I talk to DH about it, he gets anxious. But the $200 per kid is something we can afford. I'm the one who had skimpy Christmases and as long as we can afford it, I'm going for it.

 

Something that has helped this year is that we calculated exactly how much we would spend on Christmas total for everyone we know. It was $1100. From January until early November, we set aside $24 per week. I'd physically get the money and hide it in the house in a big pile.

 

Yesterday my car had to have $300 worth of repairs and we need rotor rooter to come out tomorrow to clear up a block in our pipes and that'll cost another couple of hundred. But Christmas is still ok, because we had a big pile of $1100 from the entire year. If we'd have had to see the $1100 leaving the bank account AND the car AND the rotor rooter, my DH's head would have popped off. As it is, this is just like any other month when there are unexpected bills because Christmas was already handled. I am SO GLAD we saved all year long.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Garga

[Guest]

This year dh and I spent half as much on the 6yo as we did on the 17yo. Their interests are very different.

 

Though, with tuition and books coming up before the end of the holidays, and then all the fees for graduation, it might have been better if we had reversed our spending on the children. :lol: Give the big child a wrapped box with school books in it and an $80 cap and gown (yes, really!).

Lol, i was talking to my college DD and I said how her brother really only wanted one thing for Christmas but it was an expensive piece of musical equipment. Then I said, "So he got the most expensive gift - well, unless I count the payment for your spring semester!" :D

[Guest]

My kids get a dozen gifts but ain't none of them GOLD.

Or Frankincense. That sh!t's hard to come by.

[Laura Corin]

We spend much less than that but the boys get an allowance until they leave home. I agree with others that what you want to spend is fine if you are also meeting family needs for bills, savings, pensions, etc.

[maize]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer as to how much to spend. If the amount is doable for your family it is fine. If you're going cumulatively into debt year after year to afford Christmas and not paying off that debt, you've got a problem--but it's likely part of a bigger financial management problem and not a direct result of Christmas.

 

For my own family I don't want to do a big fancy Christmas, but--I buy stuff for my kids throughout the year. If a kid needs a bike during the summer and we can afford a bike we get the bike. The families I know who do really big Christmases mostly don't buy much stuff during the year for the kids--they prefer doing one or two big gift giving events.

 

Directly comparing amounts is always problematic because the financial situation of each family is different. $200 per child for Christmas would be too much for me to spend (partly because I have six children) but for many families several times that is not unreasonable.

[marbel]

Yeah, I don't see this as a frugal = moral thing, but personal preference along with what the income/expense balance sheet allows. 

 

We do buy things for our kids at other times of the year.   And I don't tend to give too many necessities as gifts for kids who still live in my home. When they are up and out, that'll be different.  Clothing is pretty much a utility to one of my kids, so getting a new shirt is not much of a gift, because new shirts are provided as needed.  (A special tee, if such was desired, would be different.)

 

So yeah, comparing actual $ amounts isn't really all that useful.    The problem is when spouses disagree, whatever the amounts. 

[StartingOver]

We usually stick to 1 they want, 1 they need, 1 to wear, and several to read. Beyond that they usually get one big thing combined. Last year was bikes for the whole family, this year a trampoline. We are among the lucky that get a holiday bonus. We also have 18 grandchildren. So $200 for our two little ones would be about perfect here.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Dh always overspends.  I know now if I give a budget he will go over.  In fact this year I had a very healthy amount to spend(more than our normal), but in the end I pulled it back to our normal....but sure enough we are at the higher amount anyway.  What about setting up the Christmas savings accounts next year and get dh to agree to only spend what is saved up beforehand?

[StephanieZ]

No, you're not out of line. 

 

Dh needs to get a grip. :)

 

If you can afford it comfortably, then I personally think it's just fine to spend whatever you like. We've always spent what seems to me to be tons, whether we could really afford it or not, lol, because that's how my mom was and so that's how I roll. :)

 

Nowadays, we can afford it, so that's nice, lol. I don't waste tons of money, because I don't like waste, but I buy things that are wanted/needed/appreciated with a little splurge feeling to them. You know, some fun socks instead of boring socks, lol. I actually don't spend much more now that we can afford it than back when we were living on student loans, fwiw. Having lots of presents under the tree is just imperative to my vision of Christmas. (We're not religious, so it's really a holiday about family love/time together and family giving more than a religious holiday in our home.) Maybe 300-500 per kid, but 100-200 of that might be stuff they sorta' need anyway (clothes, jammies), so really only maybe 200-300 on fun stuff. 

 

If you have the $$ to splurge, and you enjoy it, I think it's fine. I don't like spending $$$$ on routine presents just because I don't want to set a precedent . . . when a kid needs a $$$$ computer/instrument/fancy thing . . . we do it for once-in-a-lifetime events like graduations or we just give it, period, because we can and want to, but don't associate it with an annually recurring holiday. :) 

 

Seems to me like this is an issue that your dh needs some healing around . . . he probably has some heavy baggage from that rough childhood . . . Creating a feeling of abundance and joyful giving for his OWN kids might really help heal those wounds. I like the motto of "You have two chances to have the family you wanted as a kid . . . the one you grew up in (which is gone now) . . . and the one you are creating now as parents . . ." I love that, and I think there's a lot of truth to it. You *can* have a secure family and a feeling of abundance . . . this time you get to do it as the parents, though . . . 

 

So, anyway, my vote is for dh to heal . . . try to see if he is open to healing this and embracing abundance . . .

 

If he's not interested in himself feeling better about giving .  . . then, my vote would be that you and he need to agree on an annual gift/fun budget . . . that YOU feel good about, and then he needs to STFU about what you buy and just be nice about it and let YOU enjoy the abundance. And, no, it's not cool for y'all to have 400/mo of "blow money" that you spend at the movies/coffee shop/dining out/stupid stuff . . . but then say you can only spend $200 total on xmas gifts. NOPE, that's controlling and messed up. If it's your blow money, you get to spend it however you want. And, that means, IMHO, that if there's 500/mo in blow money, then you can blow it however you want . . . including spending 3000/yr on xmas if you feel like it. As long as you two are in agreement about the major financial priorities/goals/spending habits . . . then, IMHO, each of you is a free agent . . . IMHO.

 

 

 

[madteaparty]

It would not go over well here to be told what to spend.

But comparing amounts doesn't get one anywhere.

I also don't keep track.

One thing I will say that there is more than one way to deal with insecurity or whatever childhood issue.

My view is, I will spend it while I have it and then when it goes away I will look at pictures. Carpe diem and all that.

Edited December 23, 2016 by madteaparty

[SamanthaCarter]

This is a long thread that I didn't read but I wanted to let the op know that she sounds totally reasonable. We are up to about $100 per kid for gifts and stockings, but my kids are younger. Also, if we didn't have grandparent gifts, I feel sure we'd spend $200 per kid.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DawnM]

I have always told the kids they get $200 worth of gifts.  That doesn't include things like socks, clothing, stuff I pick out.    I had a Christmas fund with a bank and put $50 each month into it.  I had $600 by Dec. and that is $200 per kid.   I wasn't exact with that, but it gave the boys something reasonable to think about when making their lists.

 

This year we can go a little higher because I am back to work full time.  

 

Your plan sounds very reasonable.

Edited December 23, 2016 by DawnM

[gardenmom5]

how much people spend is far more about what their budget can afford.  if you're budget can afford it - it's fine.   I dont' think what you want to buy them is at all unreasonable.

[Alicia64]

I cannot believe this. Thank you so much for talking this topic out with me.

 

DH and I just went to our room, closed the door and had a calm, friendly discussion about spending at Xmas. Thanks to you guys I was able to say, "I think $200 is more than reasonable."

 

We talked for about an hour and when all was said and done he came up with spending $180 per boy on toys/tech -- which he said doesn't count clothes, jackets, shoes etc.

 

I was floored.

 

I went into the discussion remembering what you all said about his poor childhood and the check on the tree etc. He even brought it up on his own and said, "When I was eight, I was wearing donated clothes. Not clothes bought at the thrift store -- donated clothes. I knew our finances were a train wreck."

 

I can't thank you guys enough!! Thank you so, so much!!

 

Alley

[maize]

I'm so glad to hear this positive update!

[Roadrunner]

I just told my boys to put whatever they wanted in my Amazon wishlist. I went and bought what they asked and the total was $250 for both. I guess they are still little. Legos and comic books is all they want. We could afford more, but neither of my kids has any idea what they want. It took them two weeks to think up this list. I guess my kids are still low maintenance.

[Guest]

That's great! Good for you, having such a nice, reasonable, adult conversation. :)

[sewingmama]

Your gift giving seems skimpy compared to what I spend 😠Technology costs money and as kids get older thats what they want / need especially when they are homeschooled. I dont have a budget for Christmas..I just take whatever I have to spare at the time and spend till its gone 🙄 Everything is cash..we dont have credit cards.

 

Keep in mind that everything costs 2-3x more in Australia then USA ( no such thing as a $100 notebook here) and at a guess I think I spent about $500 EACH on my kids this year 😳. If you want to know where that goes..here is an example..DD really wanted a build a bear ...because it was her big present I let her pick out 1 outfit ....so bear plus 1 outfit plus shoes was $95🙄

 

My boys wanted a big Lego set...those are over $100 each...

 

So you can see at those prices the money gets used pretty quickly and the gifts are not exactly exploding from out under the tree.

Edited December 23, 2016 by sewingmama

[abacus2]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but $60 a kid isn't unreasonable either. There is no perfect amount to spend on Christmas. It is so individual, depending on your financial and social situation and the picture you have in your mind of what Christmas should be like. We spend closer to $60 per child. However, we also buy for a very long list of extended family which adds up. Plus with extended family gifts to my kids, they are a bit overwhelmed already.  We don't want to have the problems DH's co-workers have that they spend $500 a kid and are running out of expensive things to buy that their kids don't already have. 

 

It sounds like in your family that the amount spent on Christmas is extremely important to you. I would talk to your DH about that. No need to convince him that your way is "right", because that's not the way these decisions work. 

[BusyMom5]

Your spending is right in line with mine, so I think it sounds just right.

[KathyBC]

If you're paying out of pocket and not dipping into savings and it doesn't affect your other budgetary items, that doesn't sound excessive to me at all.  Especially since you're buying stuff you really kind of need.  The only extravagant items are the drones IMO.  I shop like you for christmas.  80% of what my kids get for Christmas is stuff I'd buy more sporadically if we didn't celebrate.

 

I almost cried spending $100 on a huge prime rib roast today.  It's for 2 different large family meals at our house (we are hosting twice.  Why?!  Taking note for next year.) and the holidays is the ONLY time of year I'd buy a cut of meat like this but oi.   I can see the extravagance of that for sure. 

When you talk about not dipping into savings, are you saying you have enough discretionary income each month to do Christmas each month? In my house, that's one of the purposes of a savings account, lol. And I feel financially prudent for doing so. Please don't burst my bubble! ;-)