Funny or over the top?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

What do you think of this situation?

 

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

 

One of the parents goes to great lengths to try to convince the brown eyed child that he/she had been abandoned and subsequently adopted. This parent even went so far as to produce a wicker basket that had been stored in the attic as 'proof' of the abandonment, stating that said child had been left on the doorstep in the wicker basket. Said child was born on a border town with high illegal immigration activity.

 

 

[Closeacademy]

That is mean. And really harmful to the child's emotional and psychological development. It's not funny at all.

[ktgrok]

would depend on family culture.  If normally the parents were very affectionate, and had a history of making obviously over the top jokes, wouldn't bug me. If not, and if there was a chance the child believed it, not cool. 

 

For comparison, we often joke and tell our kids we are going to sell them for meat. That we've finally gotten them to market weight, and are going to sell them off so they can be roasted up. Now, if the kids thought we were serious, that would be awful! But they laugh along and say, "no, I'm selling YOU for meat, you're bigger and worth more!"  So it's very lighthearted, and they know it is not to be taken seriously. If the jokes about the adoption were in that way, fine. But I have a feeling they aren't, or you wouldn't be bugged by it. 

[Alicia64]

My mom is Italian and my dad's family is from Scotland. I got the fair skin/blue eyes and my sister got the easily tan, darker skin.

 

I think whoever is doing that to the kid is grossly out of line.

 

Alley

[Guest]

Towards a teenager, it could be funny if not too prolonged. For a small child I think it would be cruel.

[AnnE-girl]

I think that's mean, especially coming from a parent. I'd expect that from a slightly jerky sibling, if the family culture is extremely teasing to begin with. If it's coming from a dad, it seems like a nasty, veiled questioning of his wife's fidelity.

[bettyandbob]

What do you think of this situation?

 

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

 

One of the parents goes to great lengths to try to convince the brown eyed child that he/she had been abandoned and subsequently adopted. This parent even went so far as to produce a wicker basket that had been stored in the attic as 'proof' of the abandonment, stating that said child had been left on the doorstep in the wicker basket. Said child was born on a border town with high illegal immigration activity.

 

 

I'm sorry this sounds awful. My family culture involves a lot of teasing and sarcasm, but this is just too much and too personal. 

 

I could see something like this as a family joke, but as presented it sounds like one parents has gone above and beyond. I could see the emphasis on separate and different becoming a real issue to exacerbate typical growing up struggles a child/teen/young adult has. 

[Debbi in Texas]

Not funny at all. What is the age of this child?

[Ethel Mertz]

Not funny. It's psychological abuse.

[MEmama]

Wow. I would consider that psychological abuse.

 

I hope the child has access to therapy.

 

Eta: posted at the same time as EM

Edited November 26, 2016 by MEmama

[38carrots]

Cruel. Not funny and potentially harmful, even if the child understands it is "only a joke." Things like this stay with you, and not in the  nicest ways.

[SKL]

How old?  What was the child's demeanor during this exchange?

 

When I was a kid, the going joke was that if your coloring was different from the family's, maybe the milkman was your dad.  At one point my kid sister (not understanding it at all) said she got her blond hair from the milkman.  It might not be funny to everyone, but it wasn't cruel either.  Of course eventually she was given a more appropriate answer to that question (my grandmother was blonde).

 

If the child was not upset, then I would consider the "joke" mainly for the benefit of the other adults around.  As for whether it's funny, I guess it would depend on the group's sense of humor.  We are all weird in different ways.

[Bluegoat]

I think it depends on the age and family culture.  My dad's family is inclined to drawn out jokes of this kind.  It doesn't bother me.  The kids learn pretty quickly to be skeptical, and to make up their own stories with a straight face.

[MamaBearTeacher]

wrong and harmful, even in a family that jokes around a lot. Not funny.

[SKL]

Stupid question, but do we know whether it is true the child was not adopted?

[SKL]

I also remember jokes as a kid like "he was switched at birth" and stuff like that.  "We're not related" when a sibling is acting weird.  Of course it is never OK if the kid seems to believe it (given he understands it) or is seriously offended by it.

 

We also used to joke that *we* were left on the doorstep and weren't actually part of this creepy family.

 

So if that is the family culture, then it could really just be a harmless joke to all involved.

[Bluegoat]

I tried to convince my sister se was Michael Jackson's daughter, because she had darker skin.  In hindsight so not PC.

[ktgrok]

As the only person that said it MIGHT not be harmful, I also want to add that it would make a difference if the child was constantly seeing photos of their birth, etc. I mean, my kids wouldn't worry that they were actually adopted/abandoned, because I have photos of them seconds after birth, in my arms, as I'm all gross from pushing them out. The littles know they were born in our home, and where in the house, etc. 

 

But I was also called the mailman's kid at least a few times, as the only one with red hair in the family. 

[Mimm]

In our family, this would be a bit too far. We joke that we found Oldest by the side of the road. She was a large egg left by aliens and we took her home and she hatched. We told Middle child she was purchased at a pet store out of the monkey cage. But these are silly stories we tell them and we do not try to convince them they are true (and they are also told their real birth story). Targeting only one child as the one who doesn't belong seems mean.

 

But this really depends on how the child is taking it. If they roll their eyes and laugh along and genuinely doesn't seem bothered by it, then eh, whatever.

[emzhengjiu]

It's mean-spirited and potentially abusive.  It's not something I would tolerate in my presence.  It's especially wrong for young children who don't have filters in place to evaluate comments / jokes.

[Guest]

That is mean. I have a couple children who don't "match" the rest of the family. Instead of joking around about how they don't fit in, we take the route of, "Well, your blue eyes came from your grandmothers," or, "Your reddish hair is from your Scottish heritage." Those types of comments link them INTO the family, not push them out.

Edited November 26, 2016 by Kinsa

[TravelingChris]

I think it is wrong especially if this is a small child,

[zoobie]

If you're talking an actual child (not an adult and this is a bad joke gone too far), that's horrible. I know we have joked about the kids being from elsewhere for silly things, but we have never been anything but obviously joking. And it's never for a negative reason. We have joked with DS that he got his athletic ability from the Major League Baseball player I ran off with because DH and I have none.

Edited November 26, 2016 by zoobie

[goldberry]

Mean.  Jokes about adoption and the milkman can be funny.  The lengths and extent that you are describing are creepy and not appropriate.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 5, 2016 by cathey

[amyx4]

I was that child. In my life, it was borderline mean. I am the oldest of a shotgun wedding. So as a child I did wonder if I was theirs.

 

Turns out the teasing had more to do with their biological background than mine. When I was a teenager/early 20s there were some distant relatives that whispered to me about both my parents lineage. I will always be thankful to the people that whispered those long held family secrets to me.  (And yes, I did confirm, double check the secrets)

 

[HS Mom in NC]

It's cruel and I come from a family culture of affectionate teasing, so I'm not completely opposed to the idea of affectionate teasing in all circumstances. Kids don't think like adults.  The adults around them should already know that. This isn't funny.

Is the offending adult someone with a history of being mean and then brushing it off with, "I was just kidding!  Can't you even take a joke?" Is it possible the parent is the man and deep down suspects the wife cheated? Is it possible the parent is the mother and did cheat and this is her sneaky way of hinting at it to the dad? Is it possible the offending parent is into physical appearance and this kid doesn't meet his/her criteria?  I've seen a few nasty passive aggressive things from people so I know both of these things are theoretically possible. 

[marbel]

I didn't read any responses.

 

I have extended family in which one child is vastly different in size, shape, temperament etc than the 3 siblings.  On a rare occasion a family  member will make a lighthearted comment about her being switched at birth.  Its rare and clearly made in fun and not mean-spirited; the different child accepts it as such. 

 

What the OP describes is over the top, mean and not funny to me at all.

[Annie G]

I don't think it's funny, and you can't always tell how a kid is truly taking it because some kids (I was that kid)  would rather fake everything being ok rather than speaking up that something bothered them.  So just because a kid or teen laughs something off doesn't mean it's not hurtful deep down. 

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Mean.  Jokes about adoption and the milkman can be funny.  The lengths and extent that you are describing are creepy and not appropriate.

 

And when the kids are taught that jokes about adoption are funny they sometimes launch them at adopted kids to find out that not everyone agrees that they can be funny.  Then the adoptive parenting classes add that kid's obnoxious adoption joke to the list of examples of stupid comments people think they can make to adoptees and expect them to take it passively and laugh along.

 

[cjzimmer1]

In my family that kind of teasing is pretty normal but no one would take it seriously.  If there is any just someone thinks it true that it's over the top.  My sister tried to convince all my friends in grade school I was adopted, but the thing is I look just like her.  On the other hand I have a sister would could have been adopted because she looks nothing like my parents myself or other sister but she could be twins with our cousin and has strong family resemblences with many others on that side of the family.  On top of that she has fraternal twins who don't even look related.  One favors her and one favors her husband.  Everyone questions if they are really twins upon first meeting them.  So yes there have been lots of jokes there including the doctor who delivered because they just look so very very different.  SO teasing about being adopted and not looking like the family wouldn't phase anyone in my family.

[Farrar]

The "illegal immigrant" aspect of this makes me deeply uncomfortable in a way that I wouldn't be with it otherwise, I think. It adds an element of xenophobia if that's part of the narrative. Or... something. It feels really wrong.

 

Taking that out of it. I don't think it's *necessarily* harmful. Some parents tease their kids this way all the time. I have a cousin who gives her kids the cruelest fake gifts. And as her kids have grown up, they do it right back to her. April Fools Day is a madhouse at their home, I think. They all play dirty. Like, if you know that from the moment you were able to talk, Daddy was trying to film your disappointments and get it on Jimmy Kimmel, and that nothing he says about family culture is to be trusted... then maybe it's not cruel. Because it's just Dad being Dad. My step-father played several years long longterm pranks on his kids that my mother was shocked by when they were first married, but which his kids now, as adults, think were epic.

 

If the child takes it seriously at all, especially if they're young... definitely cruel.

[Guest]

My father's main form of communication is teasing. It is the best he can do but it does not make a person feel happy, warm, loved, etc. I think this person has issues.

Edited November 26, 2016 by Moxie

[SKL]

There are lots of things I have to resist the urge to say, because my kids actually are adopted, but all kinds of "we're not related" jokes used to fly when I was growing up.  It's the go-to friendly "you're weird" comment in our family.  It has probably slipped out a few times before I remembered my kids might not take it the same way as I did.

 

The border thing - I am not sure that figures in here.  If this has been part of their family culture, then the fact that they currently happen to live near the border probably has nothing to do with why they are saying it.  It's not like "baby left in a basket" was ever a racial thing in my experience.  I'm not aware of Mexicans abandoning their babies on doorsteps more than other groups, are you?

[Farrar]

There are lots of things I have to resist the urge to say, because my kids actually are adopted, but all kinds of "we're not related" jokes used to fly when I was growing up.  It's the go-to friendly "you're weird" comment in our family.  It has probably slipped out a few times before I remembered my kids might not take it the same way as I did.

 

The border thing - I am not sure that figures in here.  If this has been part of their family culture, then the fact that they currently happen to live near the border probably has nothing to do with why they are saying it.  It's not like "baby left in a basket" was ever a racial thing in my experience.  I'm not aware of Mexicans abandoning their babies on doorsteps more than other groups, are you?

 

No, you should say it if you find it offensive to adopted kids. I think that's totally fair. And probably true. I said I didn't think it was necessarily harmful to the kid involved, but even if it's not (which, not knowing more, I think it's hard to know) it could absolutely be harmful to a healthy view of adoption generally, which would be a totally different issue.

[Janeway]

What do you think of this situation?

 

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

 

One of the parents goes to great lengths to try to convince the brown eyed child that he/she had been abandoned and subsequently adopted. This parent even went so far as to produce a wicker basket that had been stored in the attic as 'proof' of the abandonment, stating that said child had been left on the doorstep in the wicker basket. Said child was born on a border town with high illegal immigration activity.

Not funny. 

[UCF612]

We joke my oldest was left here by aliens and he takes vitamins to keep from turning purple. He KNOWS it is a joke. I think your scenario is kind of mean and not so obviously a joke.

[AmandaVT]

Mean.  Jokes about adoption and the milkman can be funny.  The lengths and extent that you are describing are creepy and not appropriate.

 

I think it's over the top too. I have slightly darker skin and lots of thick curly hair that neither of my parents nor my brother have. There were occasional jokes about me being the mailman's child when I was a kid, but I knew in no uncertain terms that my coloring and hair came from my dad's mother's side of the family and that was mentioned more often than any "mailman" jokes. If I hadn't also found it funny, the jokes would have been dropped immediately. 

[Heatherwith4]

Sounds mean to me.

[Lady Florida.]

It sounds mean, especially because it doesn't sound like family culture. It sounds like this kind of thing is only done to the "different" child. 

 

We sometimes joked with ds saying things like, "It's a good thing you're not the first born or we'd have to sell you." But - we only did that once we knew he was old enough to get the joke, and know that it was truly a joke. And we joked with his older brother (dss) about getting rid of him too. So, ds wasn't the only one on the receiving end of such jokes. 

[Twigs]

Not funny. It's psychological abuse.

:iagree:

 

Wow. I would consider that psychological abuse.

 

I hope the child has access to therapy.

 

Eta: posted at the same time as EM

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

What do you think of this situation?

 

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

 

One of the parents goes to great lengths to try to convince the brown eyed child that he/she had been abandoned and subsequently adopted. This parent even went so far as to produce a wicker basket that had been stored in the attic as 'proof' of the abandonment, stating that said child had been left on the doorstep in the wicker basket. Said child was born on a border town with high illegal immigration activity.

 

mean, not funny.  it does sound like it's aimed at one child.  I would wonder if  this is someone who has issues and defends themselves with "can't you take a joke?".   I had a great-uncle like that.  he was simply mean.  if I objected - *I* was mad to feel bad for complaining. (by my aunt/grandmother/others)

 

dh is from a family of four siblings.  his sisters are a blend of their parents with medium tones.  dh totally takes after his father, only more fair ( red hair - fil had a red beard,; very fair, blue eyes etc.).   mil - is 1/2 armenian,  bil was darker than she is.  black hair, black eyes, olive skin - different body type too.  (he looked like her.)  they had neighbors asking who he was - becasue they thought he was just a kid playing at their house, and no relation. as an innocent question it was bad enough, and as a joke -  it's not funny.   and even though it wasn't coming from  the parents/siblings - I'm sure it was just one more thing that had an effect on him.  

[LucyStoner]

We are a family of jokers, and we all frequently laugh about an imaginary oldest child who met some horrible fate. His fate varies. Other times we joke about things most people would find unreasonable. But the kids are in on it and enjoy it.

 

But even to us, this seems mean.

 

I have an uncle who is "a hop out of kin" with a dark complexion, dark eyes and very dark hair when all of his siblings had pale complexions, light eyes and light sandy brown hair. He was not amused by his siblings' jokes about either being adopted or the son of the milkman...I can only imagine it would be more hurtful coming from your parent with props to boot.

Edited November 26, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Spryte]

Not humorous.

 

It's cruel to single out one child that way. And our family culture is one that isn't particularly reverent about much. But that sense of belonging - we don't mess with that.

 

Parent of adopted kids here, and I think the above exchange has a lot of loaded language - abandonment, wicker baskets, the illegal immigrant/border comments - all of that makes me uncomfortable and would make my kids uncomfortable just hanging out with a family that thought that was funny. (Heck, we have four family friends who actually were abandoned and left in boxes or baskets, for real, and let me tell you - even being adopted and in families, it is not a joking matter, their feelings are real, and hurt that their birthfamilies felt they had to do this.). We joke about a lot, but not that.

 

So I guess even if you disregard the potential hurt to the child (and I don't think you should), the whole thing is perpetuating stereotypes that could hurt kids who are adopted. You know, their peers and classmates who don't feel the need to openly share their adoption story or even that they are adopted - they might get to hear that kind of stuff from the child. I don't know. The whole thing is just yuck. Being abandoned by one's birth family is a painful thing, and telling someone they were abandoned and not wanted or loveable or whatever - ouch. As much as we tell our adopted kids that their story was based in love, their birth parents made the best choices they could because they love them... why tell any child they were abandoned and call it a joke? Just ... ouch.

 

In the reverse: A family I'm related to had two adopted kids and one that was "had" by their parents. The two adopted kids teased the bio kid so much that she believed she was adopted too, and when she turned 18, she begged her parents to tell the truth. It messed with her sense of identity. :(

[RegGuheert]

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

Knowing that, on average, in one case in 10, the apparent father is not the actual father of a child, I wonder if the father suspects this child is not actually his child. That may not excuse his behavior, but it may play a part in it.

 

What are the colors of the eyes of the two parents? If they both have blue eyes, while it is possible for the couple to have a brown-eyed child, it is extremely unlikely.

 

Anyway, I obviously don't know this family, but it is possible there is a dynamic in this family of which we are not aware.

[hornblower]

it is cruel and mean. 

For one, it is signalling to the child that they 'don't belong'. 

Also, the teasing in predicated on the belief that there's something wrong with having been adopted or being foreign. I mean what's the joke here?  Let's say the child is not biological or only biological to one parent. So what? They're family, aren't they?  So what if they had been adopted from parents of a different heritage?  Again, they're still family, aren't they?  

I don't get how it's teasing because I don't get how the underlying concept is funny.  "Haha, those of you who are foreign adoptees never really belong in the family!" I mean how is that funny? 

 

[Murphy101]

What do you think of this situation?

 

One child in a family of three children does not resemble the other two. Two have blue eyes, the third has brown. Two are fair skinned and burn easily the third is slightly darker complected and tans. Temperaments between the three are quite different also. Knowing that genetic variability occurs within families, do you think that the following is odd or humorous?

 

One of the parents goes to great lengths to try to convince the brown eyed child that he/she had been abandoned and subsequently adopted. This parent even went so far as to produce a wicker basket that had been stored in the attic as 'proof' of the abandonment, stating that said child had been left on the doorstep in the wicker basket. Said child was born on a border town with high illegal immigration activity.

I'd think parent was an ahole who either purposely or ignorantly is likely doing life long damage to their relationship with that child and creating lifelong strife between that child and the other two siblings.

 

I suspect everyone laughs bc it's expected and this derogatory treatment has become normalized in the family.

 

Doesn't make it one bit less damaging or wrong imnsho.

 

I'd go ape poop on a relative doing that with my kids.

 

As ADULTS joking among themselves? That's completely different.

 

And I'm not exactly a sweet humored type either. I tend towards dark humor.

Edited November 26, 2016 by Murphy101

[Granny_Weatherwax]

The 8ish year old child is the bio child of the parents. It was said by the mother along with a backstory detailing how the child was left by a Mexican mother who had gotten pregnant by a GI . Yes, the justification was "it was a joke. You have no sense of humor." Neither of the other siblings had 'jokes' like this played on them.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thank you for all of the replies.

[Murphy101]

Knowing that, on average, in one case in 10, the apparent father is not the actual father of a child, I wonder if the father suspects this child is not actually his child. That may not excuse his behavior, but it may play a part in it.

 

What are the colors of the eyes of the two parents? If they both have blue eyes, while it is possible for the couple to have a brown-eyed child, it is extremely unlikely.

 

Anyway, I obviously don't know this family, but it is possible there is a dynamic in this family of which we are not aware.

Statistic don't mean squat with individual reality.

 

I have blue eyes, once very blond and now dark brown hair. Olive tinted fair skin. My dad was blue eyed blond, my mom was green eye dark brunette.

 

Dh is brown eyes and red hair from brown eyed, brown haired parents.

 

I have a wide mix in my 11 children.

 

Brown eyes with very light blond hair

Brown eyes with dark blond

Hazel eyes with dark brunette

Blue eyed brunette

Blue eyed very light curly blond

Bright green and curl light blond

Green and brunette

Brown eyes and red hair

 

Skin is everything from red head pale to medium tanned.

 

And all of my kids over 13 are taller than both dh and I and all their grandparents.

 

When dh and I do something with just one or two kids, pending which kid it is, we have had people ask "where did they come from" or "where did they get *whatever physical trait* from". I think it's rather rude, but I pending the person asking and my mood, I either just say me/dh, or I quip that it must be Juan, The Poolboy.

 

It was insinuated I might have been the mailman's baby growing up bc I'm very different from my siblings in lots of ways and so much younger. It wasn't funny then either, but thanks to that, now I don't feel guilty about hoping I was the bartenders and not actually of the same stock as such mean people.