WWYD: Homeschool Group Exclusion

[MrsWeasley]

What would you do if you were asked, by the host, not to attend a homeschool group event posted publically but in a private person's home? Would you contact the organizers?

 

Edited to be less identifiable.

Edited June 5, 2016 by MrsWeasley

[goldberry]

Oh. My.  I am sorry and I think that's hideous.  I absolutely would forward to the organizers.  If the organizers support it, I would immediately write a letter of resignation and copy the entire group.

[HomeAgain]

WOW.  I would send a note to the organizers, bowing out of the monthly teas since being single is obviously enough of an issue to be asked not to attend.  I'm not sure how I'd word that, but yeah, I'd make sure the organizers knew of the host's poor behavior.

[MEmama]

Wow! :(

 

Have a good cry, eat lots of really terrific chocolate, and tell the lady where she can go.

 

I'm so sorry this happened. You deserve so, so much better. No one needs to have someone like that in their life.

[regentrude]

Yes, I would contact the organizers and let them know. If it is a publicly announced event for the entire group and one member is excluded, that should not be acceptable. Apparently the climate in your group is such that this is deemed acceptable, so there probably is no remedy - unless the host was the rogue rude person and not acting on the sentiment of a sub group. But I suspect it's the latter, a group ganging up on an individual.

Btw, we had something similar happen in our group (exclusion of one of the children), and it eventually led to the group splitting up.

 

What the heck do they have against you?

Edited June 5, 2016 by regentrude

[NorthwestMom]

What would you do if you were asked, by the host, not to attend a homeschool group event posted publically but in a private person's home? Would you contact the organizers?

 

Edited to be less identifiable.

 

I didn't see the details but I would DEFINITELY contact the organizers. If she said it in email, forward them the email.

 

Comments imply it is because you are single? Is this a religiously-based group?

[elegantlion]

I would also contact the organizers and their response would be the determining factor on if I kept attending. 

[Farrar]

Another wow. It seems like a no brainer that you should contact the organizers. It's fine if someone wants to be exclusive and invite some specific people to a party or a class or a curriculum share or whatever this is, but then you can't post it to a group and invite everyone. Duh. Manners 101.

 

ETA: I'm also wondering if there's backstory to this. Like, is this about religion or values? Did her kid once hit yours or vice versa? What in the world would make anyone think this was an acceptable thing to do? Which, obviously, it's not... I just think, there must be context? 

Edited June 5, 2016 by Farrar

[DawnM]

UGH!  I dealt with so much drama in two different homeschool groups this past year that I can't even comment because I just can't deal with people's issues anymore.  

 

I know it is everywhere.  I know it isn't just HS stuff, but I am SICK of it.

 

I could post a lot more but yeah, don't wish to be identifiable.

 

SO sorry you are dealing with this.

[hornblower]

Wow, how hurtful. Just  :grouphug:

[Cindy in FL.]

I would contact the organizers, if for no other reason than to have it documented. I am sorry that you were/are treated this way!

[QueenCat]

I would contact the organizers. Hopefully, they will be appalled and move the event. If they don't, they are not worthy of your presence.

[bolt.]

I would contact the organizers and say,

 

"I'm sure you have not been made aware of it, but it has come to my direct attention that the host of our next get-together feels unable to welcome all of the group members into her home.

 

Of course, her hosting limits should have been brought to your attention so that you could arrange for a more suitable location, but unfortunately (the host) has opted to approach her issue differently. She (contacted) me (yesterday) to tell me that, although I have been invited to attend, and in spite of my full membership in this group, it was very important to her that I stay away from the gathering on xyz date -- because the xyz date gathering is in her home. She expressed herself clearly without any kind of hinting.

 

{In addition to being perfectly clear that I was unwelcome to attend the upcoming gathering of our group, she made (hurtful?) personal comments about me during the conversation that have left me shaken and concerned.}

 

I know that she does not speak for everyone, and I hope the situation can be resolved.

 

In my opinion, anyone who is only capable of welcoming part of the group into their home -- is simply unable to host the group. I understand that perhaps it is too late to make changes for xyz date, and I'm a little inclined to stay home and "lick my wounds" right now. I simply hope this information serves to prevent future hurtful exclusions within this excellent group.

[TammyS]

It's not clear to me, but I'm assuming that because you are posting this that you are a member in good standing of the group.  So, since you're a member I would say it's wrong.  I would not go, because I would never want to be in someone's home where I wasn't wanted, but I would definitely let the group organizers know she has done this and I would ask for a mediating meeting.  Not because of the event itself, whatever it is, but because whatever the problem is will just keep coming back up.  If they refused to mediate, I would resign membership and let everyone know why, including potential future members.

 

 

[idnib]

I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:

 

I would definitely contact the organizers and let them know what happened, and use their reaction as a gauge about whether to stay in the group. Personally, if I'm understanding the reason correctly based on other comments in this thread, I would leave a group for doing this to another member, not just to me! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Uhhh...yuck.  Why in heck?

 

Who asked you not to attend?  The host?  Or someone else?

 

 

[T'smom]

I am so sorry that happened to you. I would certainly confide in the leader of the group that this happened and hopefully they would deal with it. If someone in one of the groups I am in did something like that, I would want to know about it, I would want to be able to reassure the person left out that not everyone felt that way and if it wasn't dealt with swiftly, I would resign my membership in the group. That is just so awful.

[Valley Girl]

Trying to put things together from some previous posts. It sounds as though this exclusion has something to do with your change in marital status. If that's the case, I'd be sure to give that as the reason and remind the organizers that--especially if it's a religiously oriented group--this behavior demonstrates a complete, unChristlike lack of compassion, understanding, and love.

[trulycrabby]

I think they are doing you a favour by showing you what horribly awful human beings they are.

 

I would definitely tell the group organizers exactly what happened, and then resign from the group.

 

I am so very sorry. :grouphug:

Edited June 5, 2016 by trulycrabby

[Valley Girl]

I would contact the organizers and say,

 

"I'm sure you have not been made aware of it, but it has come to my direct attention that the host of our next get-together feels unable to welcome all of the group members into her home.

 

Of course, her hosting limits should have been brought to your attention so that you could arrange for a more suitable location, but unfortunately (the host) has opted to approach her issue differently. She (contacted) me (yesterday) to tell me that, although I have been invited to attend, and in spite of my full membership in this group, it was very important to her that I stay away from the gathering on xyz date -- because the xyz date gathering is in her home. She expressed herself clearly without any kind of hinting.

 

{In addition to being perfectly clear that I was unwelcome to attend the upcoming gathering of our group, she made (hurtful?) personal comments about me during the conversation that have left me shaken and concerned.}

 

I know that she does not speak for everyone, and I hope the situation can be resolved.

 

In my opinion, anyone who is only capable of welcoming part of the group into their home -- is simply unable to host the group. I understand that perhaps it is too late to make changes for xyz date, and I'm a little inclined to stay home and "lick my wounds" right now. I simply hope this information serves to prevent future hurtful exclusions within this excellent group.

 

This is really good, bolt. Do you hire out?

 

 

[bolt.]

This is really good, bolt. Do you hire out?

 

 

No. I help with people's stuff on the Internet for free. 😜 I think I might be a sucker.

[Valley Girl]

No. I help with people's stuff on the Internet for free. 😜 I think I might be a sucker.

 

Nah, not a sucker. A good online friend.

[BooksandBoys]

I'm so sorry.

I'd cry, rant to anyone who would listen (here counts), and ask a friend to help me write an email to the organizers (looks like Bolt did that for you!).

I'm so very, very sorry.

[freesia]

I would contact the leaders of your group. I wouldn't resign the group unless the leaders supported the so called "hostess".

[mysticmomma]

Not cool man.

[Miss Tick]

If you have time on your hands and are up to it, fill a paper bag with dog doo, set it on her porch, light it on fire, then ring the doorbell.

 

I'm sorry. What she did is horrendous.

[Pen]

FWIW, gathering being single has something to do with this: I have always been single, and have an adopted son under pretty compelling circumstances (dead bio-mother, elderly father unable to raise him) who, as a relative of his, suitable to be his mom,  I adopted. Nonetheless, being single is a big problem in many social circumstances, including co-ops, and including non-religious ones, in my experience. Married couples want to deal with other married couples, and, I think, many women are suspicious of single women around their husbands, or vice-versa.  I've never had as explicit a rejection as you seem to have had, but have had no invitation to things where all others in a group have been invited, or things held in places or at times that clearly will exclude me.

[Artichoke]

I've only seen you're edited post.

 

 My opinion is that if I choose to open my home for a publicly advertised event, then I'm choosing to allow everyone who receives the invitation into my home and treat him/her as a guest.  If that's not the case in your situation, then I'd probably let the organizers know.  A written letter, not email, may be your best option. 

[MrsWeasley]

I forwarded the email where the hostess asked me not to come to the organizers and now anxiously wait for a response. Thanks for all the kind words and support.

[Anne]

(((Mrs. Weasley)))

 

So sorry this happened to you! It was very, very wrong.

 

Anne

[Arcadia]

:grouphug: I'll just quit the group because usually it is a group mentality, not just this host.

 

Married couples want to deal with other married couples, and, I think, many women are suspicious of single women around their husbands, or vice-versa.

A close girl friend's divorced girlfriend was ostracized by her church but divorced guys were treated decently :( My friend who does not attend the same church was appalled when she witnessed the horrid behaviour. Single women were treated politely.

[KungFuPanda]

You are dealing with a wackadoo.  I would investigate to see if this is lone wackadoo behavior or if it's supported by a community of wackadoos.  If the group supports her stance, you grab your child and run from that group.  Have I gleaned correctly that you were specifically uninvited because you are single?  Unless you are some sort of succubus or your child is too feral for the indoors, I would feel confident that YOU are not the problem and these are not the type of people you want around your kid.  The NERVE!

[idnib]

We're all waiting with you.

 

:grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug: Yes, I keep checking for the update. I hope the leaders are reacting appropriately.

 

Also, if i was just another member of this group, I would want to know what is happening so I could react appropriately too. I would not attend if this kind of thing was being done towards someone else in the group.

[HS Mom in NC]

So the host (the private person who is having it at their home) has asked you not to attend an event someone else is organizing and posting publicly.  Either there's a backstory or the host has serious issue of some sort.

 

What reason did the host give for asking you not to attend? I really don't think people can respond to something so bizarre without getting all of the story first.

[mamiof5]

That's messed up :(

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: Yes, I keep checking for the update. I hope the leaders are reacting appropriately.

 

Also, if i was just another member of this group, I would want to know what is happening so I could react appropriately too. I would not attend if this kind of thing was being done towards someone else in the group.

 

I would want to know to too, as I would not want someone like the OP to think that I wanted her excluded. I'd want her to know that it is wrong and I wouldn't be a part of a group where the organizers sanctioned that kind of behavior.

[freeindeed]

I didn't get to read your original post, but I want to say that I'm sorry someone treated you that way. I'm glad you let the organizers know. I hope they handle this properly. I'm hosting a brunch for moms in my home in a couple of weeks, and I'd love to have you here.  :grouphug:

[tm919]

I missed the full post but from what I gather, all I can say is... I'm so sorry you had to deal with this... the human race is terrible sometimes.

[goldberry]

I forwarded the email where the hostess asked me not to come to the organizers and now anxiously wait for a response. Thanks for all the kind words and support.

 

Keep us posted if you hear back, I'm really curious how they handle this!

[J-rap]

If this was the general view of the entire group, I'd quit them!  If it were the view of just that one family, I'd take it to someone else (president of the group, or whatever it might be...).  I'm very sorry.  It just really drives me batty when I hear stuff like that.

[QueenCat]

Know that there a bunch of us here that would be more than happy to have you in our homes.

[MrsWeasley]

:grouphug: Yes, I keep checking for the update. I hope the leaders are reacting appropriately.

 

Also, if i was just another member of this group, I would want to know what is happening so I could react appropriately too. I would not attend if this kind of thing was being done towards someone else in the group.

 

I haven't received a response yet. I'm trying not to obsess about what that means. (Are they still working it out privately? Are they just ignoring the email? There are multiple organizers: it couldn't have ended up in everyone's spam.)

[East Coast Sue]

I'd love to be in a homeschool group with you. And I can't imagine uninviting anyone. Rude.

 

(Hugs)

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I do hope things work out well for you.  I agree with previous posters that, if the leadership supports this woman, then I would want to know so I could quit, too.  I would never want to be part of a group that would do that. 

[Anne in CA]

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. The weird sense of Holiness that some home schoolers (and other groups too) can get is so gross, but they really believe they are wonderful and a shining light to the world. We belonged to such a group for two years and it took me some time to put a finger on what was wrong with the group. Finally I realized that they valued completely external things as a sign of holiness. Shy children were seen as virtuous, especially if they were girls, smart children were seen as showoffs, ect, the whole things was so weird. They did allow single mothers to be part of the group, but they never really included them in meaningful ways or asked them to be on the leadership team. I was never on the leadership team. I had a part time job and my dh isn't an Alpha Male.  

 

 

[zoobie]

I haven't received a response yet. I'm trying not to obsess about what that means. (Are they still working it out privately? Are they just ignoring the email? There are multiple organizers: it couldn't have ended up in everyone's spam.)

 

Hopefully they're simply still sitting aghast at the audacity. 

[QueenCat]

I haven't received a response yet. I'm trying not to obsess about what that means. (Are they still working it out privately? Are they just ignoring the email? There are multiple organizers: it couldn't have ended up in everyone's spam.)

 

It really could be that they want to present a unified response. I've been on leadership teams before and there were times where we needed a little time to determine what the best course of action is for the situation.

[Professormom]

Just another note of solidarity.

 

I didn't read before you edited. If this is a personal thing, that stinks and the organizers should be on her like fun on a rollercoaster. But if this has to do with marital status... Sheesh. I cannot even fathom a group acting that way. I was married before current Dh and in certain circles, I get odd looks now and again. But excluding someone from a hs group activity?

 

Recently, my friend's husband and I took our group of kids to see the new Captain America movie. She had another commitment, and my Dh was wiped. None of us thought a thing about it, but we joked at what might happen if someone from the hs group saw us out.

 

You tell them that story and you will never be shunned again. They will just be happy they don't have a Jezebel like me in their group. :D

 

Good luck.

[NorthwestMom]

Checking for an update.

 

 Did the leadership do the right thing, or do I need to get my pitchfork and torch, Mrs. Weasley?  :mad: