Please answer these 2 questions (my dad swearing in front of my kids)

[Meadowlark]

1. Is it okay for a grandparent to swear in front of their grandkids? Even if they have talked like this "all their life" and are 73 years old?

 

2. Is it okay for a daughter to ask her father to tone it down in front of the kids?

 

Yes, I just got a nasty phone call from my dad because I asked him to try to watch what he says in front of my kids, after my 7 year old started emulating him. Grrr...I'm livid.

[KungFuPanda]

You have a right to ask. He has a right you refuse. You have a right to restrict access. He has a right to get angry about that.

[Tita Gidge]

I say yes to both.

 

I hope that in the moment he felt attacked and got defensive, but that he'll calm down and realize it's not cute to hear third graders curse like sailors.

[cjzimmer1]

I think the answer depends on how much the parties involved when to keep a functioning relationship. 

 

I think it's perfectly okay for someone to ask another adult (irregardless of the relationship) to stop swearing in front of kids. It's reasonable to expect an adult to curb their language in front of children because that is simple respect.  If adult doesn't want to change their behavior than it's reasonable that the kids wouldn't be allowed the offensive adult.

[HomeAgain]

His rights end where yours begin.  You don't have a right to ask, but you have a right to state the problem and act on your solution unless he presents one of his own. 

[Meadowlark]

Here are a few direct quotes of the conversation:

 

He said-

 

"I guess we'll have to spend less time together then"

"You think that's bad? I could teach him some really good ones"

"You can't keep them from everything, they have to live in the real world". 

[Katy]

Judging by my parents, asking a parent with a longtime language habit to change for your kids is unlikely to work.

 

I would just explain the concept of "vulgar" vs "refined" to the kids, and that while some adults choose to use words like that, as a family you choose not to, and regardless, they are adult words that children may not use, and if 7 year old or anyone else uses them again as long as they live with you, there will be a consequence.

[Ravin]

Well...I swear in front of my own kids, though I try not to in front of DD because it bothers her. However, I would not dictate to my parents what they can do and say in their own homes--though I would politely ask them to tone it down if it bothered me, and would instruct DD to do the same if something bothers her, and I HAVE in the past dictated not to smoke around my kids. Conversely, I refused to act like a human pariah because my dad was horrified that I was breastfeeding without hiding alone in a bedroom--he learned when it was a good time to out to the garage for a smoke, and otherwise got over it.

 

All of which is to say...do what you think is best. I also don't think it's unreasonable to tell your DS "just because grandpa says X, doesn't mean you are allowed to." 

[Seasider]

1. Not okay

 

2. Yes okay

 

3. Parents are the gatekeepers. Grandparents shouldn't be threatened but should be able to realize that inappropriate behavior may result in fewer opportunities to visit with young, impressionable grandkids.

 

THAT SAID, I would endure a few minor expressions for the sake of the relationship. After all, it's my job as the parent to correct my children when they start imitating inappropriate examples, be it grandparents, movie stars, neighborhood teens, etc. I think it's just especially frustrating with a grandparent because deep down we may have the expectation of a higher-level relationship there; unfortunately that's not always the case. As far as your dad's nasty call, is it possible he's knee-jerk reacting because he got busted and thus humiliated?

[Azalea]

Sorry you are going through this. I say yes and yes. 

[eternalsummer]

He sounds personally offended/hurt.

 

Think of it like this: say your sister calls you and asks you to please stop using incorrect grammar around her children.  "They're starting to split their infinitives," she says.  "They sound like uneducated buffoons," she says.  Probably your feelings would be hurt and your first reaction would be defensiveness.

 

To many people, the way they talk naturally is intensely personal.

 

You have a right to ask, sure - but he has a right to be offended that you've asked.

 

My dad cursed like a sailor, constantly, when I was a kid.  I never cursed in unacceptable situations.  Ever.  DH and I curse pretty fluidly; our kids know what words they're allowed to say and where, and they don't mix situations.  

 

But certainly if your son can't make that separation, and you find cursing in speech to be something pretty serious, you can hope your father comes around to your way of thinking or just reduce the frequency of interaction.  

[KungFuPanda]

Your dad is old. Aside from the cursing, is he someone you want your kids to know? Do you want to spend his remaining years fighting about his vocabulary? Or do you want to let it go and just teach your kids not to say those words? It's really not hard to teach them that "When you're 70 and have your own house you can say what you want, but OUR house rules are Children Don't Swear." MANY happy, well-adjusted, fully-functional adults grew up hearing words that they weren't allowed to say. There is some merit in not sheltering your kids to the point that they are a big raw nerve when they get out into the world.

 

Or, is your father a bad influence in other ways and this is just one of many habits that you think are unhealthy for your children?

[Mom22ns]

No one can say if it is ok for grandparents to swear in front of grandkids. In some families, the answer is yes, all parties swear and it isn't considered an issue. In other families it would be considered highly offensive.

 

Can you ask? Yes. 

Will that change anything? Probably not.

 

It will be up to you to decide how you want to handle that. Are you ok with havign a conversation (many conversations) with your kids regarding your families decisions about language use? Is it enough of a big deal that you want to limit your kids time with grandparents?

 

Your response is up to you, but a 70+yo man is not going to change his speech patterns.

[amy g.]

I think it is fine for adults to talk the way they want to talk. If it crosses a line for me, I would choose not to be around them or not to let my kids be around them.

 

I would not tell an adult how to talk either in front of my kids or in private.

 

It isn't a big deal to me if my kids hear adults cussing, but I do not allow most TV shows and advertising.

 

My friends and family know that they don't have to agree with my choices. They also absolutely know that if they don't respect my rules for my kids, they will lose access to them.

[Meadowlark]

Yes, I agree that his reaction was a hot tempered one-which is his pattern.

 

I mean, I know I can't control the world and yes, I have and will always correct my kids' behavior no matter who their emulating. But I THOUGHT I could gently ask my own father to tone it down without it turning into WW3. That's what's bothering me maybe...just that it turned out to be this huge deal.

[Meadowlark]

I think it is fine for adults to talk the way they want to talk. If it crosses a line for me, I would choose not to be around them or not to let my kids be around them.

 

I would not tell an adult how to talk either in front of my kids or in private.

 

It isn't a big deal to me if my kids hear adults cussing, but I do not allow most TV shows and advertising.

 

My friends and family know that they don't have to agree with my choices. They also absolutely know that if they don't respect my rules for my kids, they will lose access to them.

 We live within walking distance to them so "not being around them" isn't really an option. They are a huge part of our lives. I thought rather than restricting access, I would just ask him to tone it down. I obviously want my kids to have a relationship with their grandfather-but yes, cussing bothers me.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes to both.  My kids swear in front of my dad.  I don't correct them, but neither swears often.  I don't recall my dad swearing ever, but he doesn't bat a lash when they swear.

 

I wouldn't ask my dad not to swear, but I think it's not the craziest thing ever if you do.  On the one hand it would strike me as too much to expect him to listen to your wishes, but on the other hand I would think it kind of obnoxious of him not to at least try to tone it down a bit because it bothers you.

 

 

[zoobie]

You have a right to ask. He has a right you refuse. You have a right to restrict access. He has a right to get angry about that.

 

This, but then you have a right not to subject yourself to his abuse if he calls and yells at you. Calling to discuss the situation, fine. Yelling and being a jerk, nope. That would be more worthy (IMO) of restricting access than simple cursing. I told my mother's husband that if he used racial slurs around my kids, we would leave. I have had to draw that line in the sand with my grandfather too when he wouldn't drop a few subjects.

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm one of "those" people who thinks casual swearing is "low class" (class meaning social behavior, not economic status.) I think so many people have ruined swearing for the rest of us because they over use it in non-exceptional situations. Seriously, I do. But, I'm not into policing others about it either.   I'm not their mommy. I'd be irritated if they policed any aspect of what I had to say whether it was vocabulary or content.

 

I wouldn't go cutting off contact with a grandparent over much.  A grandparent swearing in a way that isn't a graphic sexual description isn't something I'd end an relationship over.  I think you can ask, but I wouldn't expect change from an old person. 

Every parent who doesn't allow their kids to use that kind of language has to have that conversation about what is allowed and what isn't allowed in their own household and what the consequences are if it happens.  That may mean going over a list of words you don't allow in your house and why. 

Edited April 22, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[gardenmom5]

oh dad, I"m so sorry you have such a hard time being a good example in your language usage in front of my kids. I know you love them, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to limit how much time they spend with you.  they're still so young, and I know you want them  to grow up to be good examples to others.

[eternalsummer]

That is extremely judgmental (which is fine if the judgment is correct, but evidently there is pretty serious disagreement between at least the OP and her dad about whether cursing is good or bad or neutral, morally).

 

If you approach him with a "you are not a good example" he is almost certain to become defensive, and rightly so, imo - for me, and maybe for him, cursing has nothing to do with goodness or badness.

 

If he didn't wash his hair often, or had a tattoo, would you say, "Oh dad, I'm sorry you have such a hard time being a good example in your hygiene [or self-presentation, or whatever] in front of my kids. I know you love them, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to limit how much time they spend with you.  they're still so young, and I know you want them  to grow up to be good examples to others."  

 

 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

That is not to say that I don't understand having serious moral differences with relatives and the outside world - for instance, we don't eat factory farmed animal products, ever.  Like *ever*.  We don't compromise about it.

 

The kids see their relatives and friends and teachers eating these things daily, and it is stressful for us to say to (especially relatives) that our kids can't have a piece of birthday cake or a hot dog - the relatives and friends (adults way more than the kids) take it personally and get defensive, like your father.  However, we don't tell people they can't serve birthday cake in their own homes, or bring hot dogs for lunch - we just don't let our kids partake.  Even that is judgmental enough to hurt feelings and often cause lashing out (esp. among relatives) but after years of the same, they've gotten used to it and are largely polite about it.

 

Sometimes they still offer the kids things they know we can't have.  That is *super* annoying.

 

When talking to relatives and the kids' friends' parents about it, I try to be as personal and non=confrontational as possible - "This is something we feel strongly about, so we can't compromise.  I'm sorry for the inconvenience!  Here is a substitute package of hot dogs/birthday cake/etc."

 

Still it doesn't always work, and I've had to teach the kids that sometimes people react unkindly or even aggressively because they feel threatened.

[Starr]

I used to say that some words were only for old uncles and fishermen. :D

[myfunnybunch]

Yes, it's okay to swear in front of the grandkids. Now I miss my grandfather. I would give quite a lot to hear him shout, "G**dammit, those (people I'm irritated with) keep on (irritating behavior). They can go to H***!" Or my Auntie, his sister, who swore like a sailor. They were big personalities, with big opinions and mouths to match.

 

Yes, it's okay to ask politely, with the expectation that the other party is an adult and you have no control over their behavior or right to *correct*. (I'm not saying you did. I expect that you made a reasonable request reasonably, and your father felt corrected.)

 

I think I tried a swear word or two as a kid. I was corrected by my parents, who told me I could talk that way when I was an adult, and not before. As an adult, I occasionally let a mild one fly. My kids correct me, as it bothers them, so I try not to swear around them.

 

Shoot. Now I am all misty, thinking about my grandpa.

 

But the layers of interaction in your family might be different. It sounds like it isn't as much about the swearing itself right now, but about how to communicate difficult things with one another and have that be all right. Hugs.

[Tsuga]

1. Is it okay for a grandparent to swear in front of their grandkids? Even if they have talked like this "all their life" and are 73 years old?

 

2. Is it okay for a daughter to ask her father to tone it down in front of the kids?

 

Yes, I just got a nasty phone call from my dad because I asked him to try to watch what he says in front of my kids, after my 7 year old started emulating him. Grrr...I'm livid.

 

1. It depends on the swearing. I don't think hate speech is ever acceptable in front of anybody. I think using profanity is acceptable though not desirable, and not necessarily kind.

 

2. I think it is acceptable but not desirable to correct the grandparent in front of the kids. I'd prefer to do that when the kids aren't around so we could discuss it in depth.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

We also tell our kids that there are a number of things you can make decisions about. Like grandpa so and so makes the decision to use these words. Why do you think we don't? And we have that discussion and let the kids know there are consequences for the words they choose, but in our family (yours may be different, Meadowlark) the consequence for swearing is not that we don't spend time with you.

 

Maybe a swear jar would be helpful in this case, to raise the kids' awareness, but at the same time, your dad can say what he wants. He just has to fund the ice-cream jar?

[Joker]

I had one set of grandparents that cursed all the time. I'm really glad my parents didn't make it an issue. We didn't curse as kids, though, because we are taught not to.

 

I personally would not have asked and I wouldn't restrict access.

[Lady Florida.]

Yes and yes. Yes it's okay for him to swear, especially if he's done it for years. Yes it's okay for you to ask him to tone it down.

 

Though you didn't ask, I don't think it's okay to keep the kids from him just because of it. I would not restrict access unless there are other issues that are bigger than swearing. Grandparents are important unless they're truly toxic. It's not a hill to die on IMO.

 

Full disclosure: We swear on occasion. Ds grew up knowing some words were not appropriate for children to say. He's 18. Sometimes he swears, mostly he doesn't (though he did play around with swearing among friends as a younger teen - young teens often do).

Edited April 22, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[Peach]

Yes, it's okay to swear in front of the grandkids. Now I miss my grandfather. I would give quite a lot to hear him shout, "G**dammit, those (people I'm irritated with) keep on (irritating behavior). They can go to H***!" Or my Auntie, his sister, who swore like a sailor. They were big personalities, with big opinions and mouths to match.

 

 

Shoot. Now I am all misty, thinking about my grandpa.

 

 

I could've written this post :) One of my grandpa's had a temper and he swore like a sailor but was the soul of gentleness with his family. It was never an issue either because as kids we were taught not to repeat what he said. 

 

I miss him a lot :)

[mamiof5]

For me??

 

1) no

 

2) yes

 

And, approached kindly and respectfully I don't see why he got so angry. It sounds like you kindly asked to please tone it down. Even if he can't (because he's so used to it), he could have approached it differently. Maybe a "sorry, but this old dog can't learn how to bark" response would have been better than "I can teach them some really bad ones!", or " you can't protect them from everything!!". You are the parent, you choose what you want to try to protect them from or not. From his response I'd be concerned about him now really TRYING to teach them some "bad ones". I have no tolerance for swearing.

Edited April 22, 2016 by mamiof5

[Tanaqui]

Look, you have a right to ask your parents to refrain from swearing, smoking, whatevering around your kids. And your parents have a right to say "We can't do that".

 

But I'd be seriously considering limiting contact if I made a reasonable request - or even an unreasonable one! - and the person had a hissy fit. Not because of that one phone call, but because in my experience, people who get "livid" over a simple request - mad enough that they have to make a separate phone call to talk about it! - are usually pretty toxic. If this isn't a pattern with him, then I'd have a different response.

Edited April 22, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Meadowlark]

For me??

 

1) no

 

2) yes

 

And, approached kindly and respectfully I don't see why he got so angry. It sounds like you kindly asked to please tone it down. Even if he can't (because he's so used to it), he could have approached it differently. Maybe a "sorry, but this old dog can't learn how to bark" response would have been better than "I can teach them some really bad ones!", or " you can't protect them from everything!!". You are the parent, you choose what you want to try to protect them from or not. From his response I'd be concerned about him now really TRYING to teach them some "bad ones". I have no tolerance for swearing.

 

I had that same concern and then wondered how I would/should handle that. But, I got an email from my mom that said he was really angry but he will calm down and that they will both try to tone things down. So I don't really think it will be an issue in the future. But if it is, I will take the good advice of just using it as a teaching moment and not press it further. I agree it's not worth all of that.

 

I guess my biggest concern is that it was an issue to begin with, but that's a whole decade of issues that I won't get into here. 

 

I grew up in a house where my dad and both brothers swore like sailors. I hated it. But my family is dysfunctional. One brother struggles and the other committed suicide. Plus, my dad's swearing was not "happy" swearing. It was ranting and raging like a lunatic. So I associate foul language with general unhappiness and negativity. Still do. I guess that's just a matter of preference and obviously my tolerance for it is going to be different from someone who sees nothing at all wrong with it. Overall, he's a pretty good influence with the exception of a few racist slurs once in a great while, which I think he knows not to do around us. I agree this is not a hill to die on, and I didn't set out intending it to be. This particular kid thinks his grandpa is King, and the fact that he regularly says "Jesus Christ" (etc) confuses him, when I'm teaching him at home that using the Lord's name in vain is a sin. Why would grandpa do that when he sits next to us at church? So on....So anyway...lots of interesting perspectives here. I think I'm "less livid" than I was. I still think I have a right to ask them to tone it down though,  and I still think he responded inappropriately. But it is what it is.

Edited April 22, 2016 by Meadowlark

[Arcadia]

At 73, I'll be thankfull my parents, in-laws and relatives aren't suffering from dementia. Both hubby and my side of the family swears and they do avoid X rated swearing. Swearing like damn and shit are not something we would be offended or upset about.

 

I do agree that the world outside my swearing family does curse and swear a lot worse than my family do but I don't see anyone putting ear plugs on their kids while out.

[Carol in Cal.]

Would it work if you said gently, "Hey, look, is this what you want your grandchildren to remember you for?  Or learn from you?"

[Ravin]

I had that same concern and then wondered how I would/should handle that. But, I got an email from my mom that said he was really angry but he will calm down and that they will both try to tone things down. So I don't really think it will be an issue in the future. But if it is, I will take the good advice of just using it as a teaching moment and not press it further. I agree it's not worth all of that.

 

I guess my biggest concern is that it was an issue to begin with, but that's a whole decade of issues that I won't get into here. 

 

I grew up in a house where my dad and both brothers swore like sailors. I hated it. But my family is dysfunctional. One brother struggles and the other committed suicide. Plus, my dad's swearing was not "happy" swearing. It was ranting and raging like a lunatic. So I associate foul language with general unhappiness and negativity. Still do. I guess that's just a matter of preference and obviously my tolerance for it is going to be different from someone who sees nothing at all wrong with it. Overall, he's a pretty good influence with the exception of a few racist slurs once in a great while, which I think he knows not to do around us. I agree this is not a hill to die on, and I didn't set out intending it to be. This particular kid thinks his grandpa is King, and the fact that he regularly says "Jesus Christ" (etc) confuses him, when I'm teaching him at home that using the Lord's name in vain is a sin. Why would grandpa do that when he sits next to us at church? So on....So anyway...lots of interesting perspectives here. I think I'm "less livid" than I was. I still think I have a right to ask them to tone it down though,  and I still think he responded inappropriately. But it is what it is.

 

Racist slurs are in a whole different category as far as I'm concerned from cussing (and I can understand why "taking the Lord's name in vain" would be in a different category for Christians). Along with other derogatory insults to specific persons or groups, I would take a much stronger stance on them than on general cussing.

[zoobie]

I had that same concern and then wondered how I would/should handle that. But, I got an email from my mom that said he was really angry but he will calm down and that they will both try to tone things down. So I don't really think it will be an issue in the future. But if it is, I will take the good advice of just using it as a teaching moment and not press it further. I agree it's not worth all of that.

 

I guess my biggest concern is that it was an issue to begin with, but that's a whole decade of issues that I won't get into here.

 

I grew up in a house where my dad and both brothers swore like sailors. I hated it. But my family is dysfunctional. One brother struggles and the other committed suicide. Plus, my dad's swearing was not "happy" swearing. It was ranting and raging like a lunatic. So I associate foul language with general unhappiness and negativity. Still do. I guess that's just a matter of preference and obviously my tolerance for it is going to be different from someone who sees nothing at all wrong with it. Overall, he's a pretty good influence with the exception of a few racist slurs once in a great while, which I think he knows not to do around us. I agree this is not a hill to die on, and I didn't set out intending it to be. This particular kid thinks his grandpa is King, and the fact that he regularly says "Jesus Christ" (etc) confuses him, when I'm teaching him at home that using the Lord's name in vain is a sin. Why would grandpa do that when he sits next to us at church? So on....So anyway...lots of interesting perspectives here. I think I'm "less livid" than I was. I still think I have a right to ask them to tone it down though, and I still think he responded inappropriately. But it is what it is.

Ranting and raving like a lunatic is problematic. Even if he weren't swearing when he did it.

[HSmomof2]

1. Is it okay for a grandparent to swear in front of their grandkids? Even if they have talked like this "all their life" and are 73 years old?

 

2. Is it okay for a daughter to ask her father to tone it down in front of the kids?

 

Yes, I just got a nasty phone call from my dad because I asked him to try to watch what he says in front of my kids, after my 7 year old started emulating him. Grrr...I'm livid.

1. No, but he's probably not goingto change.

 

2. Yes, but again, probably not likely to change.

 

My grandpa was a serious swearer. It really was just part of his regular everyday language. As kids we found it quite funny. My parents tried many times to ask him to tone it down. He would try a little, but he never really changed. But, we knew swearing wasn't allowed in our own immediate family, my parents were always clear on that. I don't think it caused me any permanent damage.

[shawthorne44]

Here are a few direct quotes of the conversation:

 

He said-

 

"I guess we'll have to spend less time together then"

"You think that's bad? I could teach him some really good ones"

"You can't keep them from everything, they have to live in the real world". 

 

The middle one would be enough to restrict access. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

Here are a few direct quotes of the conversation:

 

He said-

 

"I guess we'll have to spend less time together then"

"You think that's bad? I could teach him some really good ones"

"You can't keep them from everything, they have to live in the real world". 

 

I have not read all of the responses.  I'm looking at your OP and your comments here.  I don't think that just because someone is your parent gives them the right to make those last two comments to you.  That leaves you with the first comment.  My children's exposure to that person would be limited--not necessarily just because of the language, but because he's a jerk.

 

My personal, "Aha!" moment was when my 5 year old spoke to my dad on the phone and asked if my dad would come from out of state for Christmas.  My dad said no, he couldn't.  My 5 year old asked again, and my dad responded by hanging up. 

 

It was hardly the first time he showed his boorish behavior--and I'm sure is not the only garbage that your own dad has pulled on you (or your kids).  Am I right?

 

ETA:  I just read through your other comments.

 

 

 We live within walking distance to them so "not being around them" isn't really an option. They are a huge part of our lives. I thought rather than restricting access, I would just ask him to tone it down. I obviously want my kids to have a relationship with their grandfather-but yes, cussing bothers me.

 

You said the family is dysfunctional, and it sounds more "out there" than most.  So why are they a huge part of your lives?  You said that you hated growing up that way, so why subject your kids to the same thing?

 

 

 

Edited April 22, 2016 by ThisIsTheDay

[SKL]

I say no big deal if he swears in front of your kids.  By school age, you should be able to tell your kid not to repeat "bad words" and he should be able to obey that.

 

The most I would do is jokingly remind him the kids are listening and may repeat.  The old "little pitcher" saying etc.

 

My mom swore like a sailor and I knew very young which words were not to be repeated by children.

[Tanaqui]

 We live within walking distance to them so "not being around them" isn't really an option. They are a huge part of our lives. I thought rather than restricting access, I would just ask him to tone it down. I obviously want my kids to have a relationship with their grandfather-but yes, cussing bothers me.

 

My grandmother walked past her mother's mother's house every day to go to school, never met the woman. Why? Because my great-great-grandmother was, by all accounts, a horrible, toxic witch.

 

You say your family is "dysfunctional". You need to consider seriously if you really want to keep in close touch with them, and how close you want to be. It's okay to go low-contact (even if you live super close physically) if they're highly unpleasant.

[Farrar]

I'm not fussed by swearing really. I would be bothered if it was directed at the children, calling them names. Or if it was vilely sexist all the time. So a grandparent swearing wouldn't bother me.

 

Of course it's fair to ask grandparents to behave different though. They're your kids. Not everyone is okay with swearing.

 

If they're really dysfunctional though and you know they're going to be in your life regardless, I'd want to pick my battles. Assuming they're not swearing at the kids, just around them, then this wouldn't be a battle I personally would pick. I'd want to save it for things that are more corrosive in my opinion than random swears. You may feel differently, of course. This may be the battle you want to pick.

[SKL]

I remember how it irritated my mom when my SIL asked her not to cuss around her darling.  :P  I wouldn't go there.

 

Besides, my kids heard the F word fly out of my mouth before they were 2yo....  I am very bad.

 

I realize not all grandparents are good with gandkids, but in general, I feel a relationship with the grandparents is really important.  It would take a lot, lot, lot more than cussing for me to take that away.

[SKL]

I would say something if it was racist etc.  Actually I don't need to say it - if I see someone starting to go there, I flash them an obvious look and it stops.

[mamiof5]

I had that same concern and then wondered how I would/should handle that. But, I got an email from my mom that said he was really angry but he will calm down and that they will both try to tone things down. So I don't really think it will be an issue in the future. But if it is, I will take the good advice of just using it as a teaching moment and not press it further. I agree it's not worth all of that.

 

I guess my biggest concern is that it was an issue to begin with, but that's a whole decade of issues that I won't get into here.

 

I grew up in a house where my dad and both brothers swore like sailors. I hated it. But my family is dysfunctional. One brother struggles and the other committed suicide. Plus, my dad's swearing was not "happy" swearing. It was ranting and raging like a lunatic. So I associate foul language with general unhappiness and negativity. Still do. I guess that's just a matter of preference and obviously my tolerance for it is going to be different from someone who sees nothing at all wrong with it. Overall, he's a pretty good influence with the exception of a few racist slurs once in a great while, which I think he knows not to do around us. I agree this is not a hill to die on, and I didn't set out intending it to be. This particular kid thinks his grandpa is King, and the fact that he regularly says "Jesus Christ" (etc) confuses him, when I'm teaching him at home that using the Lord's name in vain is a sin. Why would grandpa do that when he sits next to us at church? So on....So anyway...lots of interesting perspectives here. I think I'm "less livid" than I was. I still think I have a right to ask them to tone it down though, and I still think he responded inappropriately. But it is what it is.

Liked your comment, not for what was mentioned about your family, but glad your mom emailed you and they will try to tone it down a bit. So sorry to hear about your brother!!! I believe we all have dysfunctional families, but certain things affect us more than others. It seems like you know the situation well and can manage it. As far as using God's name in vain? When it happens and my kids notice it I'd have them pray for grandpa, so he remembers it's not OK. Praying for others always helps :)

[MrsWeasley]

It depends. My kids' dad swears casually frequently. We also have different ideas about what constitutes a swear word, but none of it is hate speech. I've decided that casual swearing is not a battle worth having with him. Angry swearing, swearing at my kids, well, that I think is just completely unacceptable.

[Meadowlark]

I have not read all of the responses.  I'm looking at your OP and your comments here.  I don't think that just because someone is your parent gives them the right to make those last two comments to you.  That leaves you with the first comment.  My children's exposure to that person would be limited--not necessarily just because of the language, but because he's a jerk.

 

My personal, "Aha!" moment was when my 5 year old spoke to my dad on the phone and asked if my dad would come from out of state for Christmas.  My dad said no, he couldn't.  My 5 year old asked again, and my dad responded by hanging up. 

 

It was hardly the first time he showed his boorish behavior--and I'm sure is not the only garbage that your own dad has pulled on you (or your kids).  Am I right?

 

ETA:  I just read through your other comments.

 

 

 

You said the family is dysfunctional, and it sounds more "out there" than most.  So why are they a huge part of your lives?  You said that you hated growing up that way, so why subject your kids to the same thing?

I see your point. I wouldn't say the kids are around them TOO much actually, even though we live so close. That is partly because of me, and partly because of them. They're really not kid people. And to the previous question, yes, you are absolutely correct. There has been a whole lot of garbage in the past decade or so. My husband (my voice of reason) says that it's never going to end. I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything knowing the toxicity of the situation. But I honestly thought I could just ask my dad kindly to try, or rather, should be able to ask him to try. Guess not. 

[Reefgazer]

I don't think you are out of line for asking him to tone it down, but I also don't think you should expect that he would be changing and singing a different tune from the one he has sang his entire life.  I also don't think swearing is the worst sin out there.

1. Is it okay for a grandparent to swear in front of their grandkids? Even if they have talked like this "all their life" and are 73 years old?

 

2. Is it okay for a daughter to ask her father to tone it down in front of the kids?

 

Yes, I just got a nasty phone call from my dad because I asked him to try to watch what he says in front of my kids, after my 7 year old started emulating him. Grrr...I'm livid.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

The middle one would be enough to restrict access. 

Then we interpret very differently what "You think that's bad? I could teach him some really good ones" means. I took it to mean, "I am already restricting myself around your kids.  I could use even worse words that I often use but I don't because I know it would bother you so stop acting like I'm refusing to meet you part way."

 

What did you take it to mean?

[zoobie]

Then we interpret very differently what "You think that's bad? I could teach him some really good ones" means. I took it to mean, "I am already restricting myself around your kids. I could use even worse words that I often use but I don't because I know it would bother you so stop acting like I'm refusing to meet you part way."

 

What did you take it to mean?

It read like a threat to me.

[Tanaqui]

I suppose only the OP has the context to know whether her father likely meant it as a threat or not, but I, too, thought it sounded like a threat to use really bad curse words around the kids.