ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Obviously, there is no right answer as to how many children to have. And I respect that my husband is hesitant to have another. However, I get the sense from him that he is very close to agreeing. The problem is that he's just afraid of change. That is his personality. We have two children together and with both of those he couldn't bring himself to actively try to to get pregnant, yet was very happy we had them. He's an information security professional, and I often say he is "professionally paranoid". He sees the worst case scenario in everything. He does know this about himself, and one of the things that makes our marriage work is that we balance each other out, as I'm a born optimist. "We'll figure something out, it will be okay" is my motto. And for the record, I've always been right :) Which he also acknowledges, but then says, "so far....." Anyway, he's now saying he's not opposed to the idea...but wants to make some financial stuff happen before we try. The problem is that I'm turning 40 in april and my OB has very clearly said that every month I wait to conceive increases my odds of miscarriage and decreases the odds of getting pregnant. I'm willing to wait until he finds out some job stuff, i get that he wants that settled. I'm willing to wait until we have a clear plan for doing the financial things he wants to do. But I'm not okay waiting until we accomplish all of them before trying to get pregnant. (things like a newer van for me, cleaning up credit to make it possible to buy a new house in the next year or two, etc.) But honestly, I think he's on the edge and just scared and needs some reminders of the benefits of having more kids. Or something. I know him, and I know he'd be thrilled to have another. I know that our marriage is strong enough to have another. I know that we are in a much better place financially and stress wise than ever before. He knows this too. But he knows it will be hard and tiring. I did get a wry smile out of him the other day, when he said it would be hard and I said, "All things worth doing are." He said "don't use one of my favorite quotes against me!" and laughed. He was referring to the JFK quote about going to the moon, "not because it is easy, but because it is hard." Of course I then reminded him of another favorite quote, "Do hard things!" by Teddy Roosevelt. It was a light hearted moment but may have made an impact. So, I think he's about as open to another child as he has ever been, (probably more open than he was when we conceived our last child, lol...that one was a surprise) but he's still not seeing the benefits. Can anyone talk to me about how having a 4th or later child helped their lives, made them better, etc? (and don't worry, I'm not going around nagging him all day, but we do sit and talk about this regularly and I'd like to have a better way to pitch this than "because I want one." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithr Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Another person to love and be loved by? Another eternal soul made in image and likeness of God? Another chance at being part of the incredible mystery of new life? This might be the kid that takes care of you in your old age? (I remember an old woman I knew who had had 4 kids and then a big break and then suddenly she was pregnant with #5 and everybody was like, oh dear an accident. And yet this child was the one she turned out to be the most proud of. And the one who took care of her in her old age). Another chance to read those children's books you never got to? I am serious about the last one! My dh and our youngest bonded over those Percy Jackson books! It opened up a whole new world to my dh who had never given mythology much thought before. I do think it is funny that fathers tend to be the one to hesitate about another child. I always wanted 6 but we only have 5. I remember my dh saying he thought he was done at 5 and me thinking wait, I am the one with the morning sickness, the birth, the fatigue, the breast infections, the one at home the most changing the most diapers, etc. I wonder if the fact that even though he's a great father and involved, he wasn't as immersed. I think if you are still looking at things from a bit of an outsider's perspective, so to speak, it makes one more hesitant. Wheras, me the mom, was immersed 100% so what the heck, might as well have one more! LOL. Anyway, having another was not meant to be for us. So it turned out 5 was just the right number after all! I had my youngest at age 42. The thing is I know people who regret not having another child, but not vice versa. Once you have a child, the landscape is changed forever and you can't imagine it without that new soul in it! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 It is so cool to meet each new person that joins your family, how can he resist meeting the next child? Did he feel apprehensive before meeting the last child? Yet now he could not imagine life without him, right? YOU can tell there is another person waiting to join your family. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Show him your kids' newborn videos, first birthday videos, etc. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 He's an information security professional, and I often say he is "professionally paranoid". He sees the worst case scenario in everything. He does know this about himself, and one of the things that makes our marriage work is that we balance each other out, as I'm a born optimist. "We'll figure something out, it will be okay" is my motto. And for the record, I've always been right :) Which he also acknowledges, but then says, "so far....." You could try arguing for redundancy... the more kids you have, the better the odds at least *some* of them will make it to adulthood. I know that sounds silly, and I can't answer your question about how 4+ kids made my life better since I only have 2, but if I had only one kid I might be paranoid about protecting that one. Putting all your eggs in one basket is a bad idea... putting all of them in two baskets is a little better, but the more baskets the better. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 When I was expecting my third child a random guy at the park looked at my two little ones playing, looked at my very pregnant self, and asked "why would you have another?" (like, doh! you've already got a boy and a girl, it's a full set!" I looked him in the eye and answered "because I like the ones I have". A child is a child, a unique person to love and be loved by, to delight in, to send a piece of your heart out into the world through, to cry and stress and dream over. My sixth child is almost a year old, and she has been such a delight; I am always amazed at the way, before a child is born, I cannot imagine that child--but once they are here, I cannot imagine the family without them. And finances...gosh, finances are never going to be perfectly in order. If a person is looking for financial excuses not to have a child, they will always be able to find several. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 DH and I discussed whether to have a fourth child for a long time...pretty much from the time #3 was born. His position was pretty ambivalent with hints of "I don't like waking up at night" and "two of them will have to share a room" and "what about if you then decide you want a fifth!!". OTOH, I felt strongly that I would always regret not having one more. In the end, he agreed that my soul-deep belief that there was one family member missing trumped his qualms about logistics and temporary inconveniences. As a concession, I promised that I would deal with all middle of the night feedings and that I would NEVER even mention the possibility of having a fifth. So far, neither of these have been hardships; I've savored the time I get to cuddle Audrey in the night time hush, and while it has been bittersweet seeing her leave newbornhood behind and knowing I will never have another, it really does feel like our family is now complete. Wendy 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I adore every one of my 5 kids and would never give any of them back. But we don't have 6 because it's just a fact that #5 and, to a lesser extent, #4, permanently changed some of our previous life goals. They come before the plans we had. As much as I crave another baby face, I've come to a place where I'm more determined to attain long term stability for the whole family. I bet I could be swayed if dh felt differently, but I'd be afraid I'd resent it down the line. Not to the point that I'd return a new someone I'd certainly adore, but I'd probably have issues I'd struggle with. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Tell him you need to have a third because when your children are adults, if something happens to one of them, the other one will be left all alone. I saw this happen to a cousin and was SO glad I had two siblings, not just one. Nan 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Start picking out names. Need a way to use the name. ;) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 What has been his reaction to your OB's advice that it's better not to wait? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 You could try arguing for redundancy... the more kids you have, the better the odds at least *some* of them will make it to adulthood. This is the one that carries the most water with me and I tend towards the morbid sometimes. But it didn't work here. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I think if you are surely going to have #4, there are efficiencies in having the baby soon after #3. The kids can do more things together, they can share / hand down things more easily, you can be done with certain expensive / complicated life stages sooner. You are statistically less likely to have medical issues with the pregnancy. Both of you are statistically more likely to be able to be active, healthy parents for as long as #4 needs you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Honestly? I'd give him time and respect. I think, even knowing you're almost forty, that that respect will do more than any argument, which actually might push him further. My best argument is that I've never met anyone who says, "Yeah, we probably should have skipped that last one." ;) But I've met a LOT of people who think, "Thank God we had one more. What would we have ever done without him/her?" I feel that way about every single one we had decided to stop before. (Which, for those wondering, are babies 2 through pregnancy 13 that we lost in December - no kidding.) If we had done as we planned (one and done) I feel we would have missed out on so many amazing people in our lives. I respect and love small families, especially those created by infertility as I stand by my sister and her 6.5 years of fighting infertility, and I respect those made out of choice, but I have to tell you, it is an amazing gift to have input into a whole new human being, not just at their birth and little years, but for years and years to come. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I have four. Two and two with a several year gap between. I had baby fever when child two was five and DH agreed, with the caveat we'd have two more. I'd say making the transition between three and four was much harder than jumping from two to three. But my eldest two kids were older and could manage themselves well without my constant presence when child three was born. My youngest two are close in age and into everything. There are moments, every day, where the love between my kids shines through. They fight and make up a few minutes later. My eldest hugs and cuddles the babies every day. My second carries the baby around and plays with her. The two youngest play together and get into trouble together. The love in our family has grown with the addition of the younger children. The plus side of additional children: no more baby fever. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Aren't you a Christian, little missy? Children are a blessing from the Lord. We are to be fruitful and multiply. Now go do some math. ;) Children bring joy. They are a great gift. He will not be massively inconvenienced by another child, but you will always mourn for the child you never had. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I think I'd argue that even if we start trying right now, it might not happen. I mean, you would probably get pregnant within two years, but it might not happen at all. It could happen right away, but the odds are against it 'working' as quickly as it did a few years ago. It might freak you out, but your DH could be oddly comforted to know the very high likelihood of this taking years and not months. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) Well, I do know a couple couples that divorced after having that last child that one desperately wanted and the other felt ambivalent about having. I think pushing isn't the best. I would allow him to come around to it on his own if he does if he knows how you feel. I wanted a 3rd for a number of years, but my DH never came around to wanting the 3rd. It took a while, but I'm very happy with the family we have. We have been able to do some things with 2 that we couldn't with 3+. We are also in a good position to help our kids with college. Edited January 17, 2016 by WoolySocks 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Honestly? I'd give him time and respect. I think, even knowing you're almost forty, that that respect will do more than any argument, which actually might push him further. My best argument is that I've never met anyone who says, "Yeah, we probably should have skipped that last one." ;) But I've met a LOT of people who think, "Thank God we had one more. What would we have ever done without him/her?" I feel that way about every single one we had decided to stop before. (Which, for those wondering, are babies 2 through pregnancy 13 that we lost in December - no kidding.) If we had done as we planned (one and done) I feel we would have missed out on so many amazing people in our lives. I respect and love small families, especially those created by infertility as I stand by my sister and her 6.5 years of fighting infertility, and I respect those made out of choice, but I have to tell you, it is an amazing gift to have input into a whole new human being, not just at their birth and little years, but for years and years to come. I'm guessing you have met many people who wonder whether they should have stopped earlier, but there's no way to say that without sounding like a monster. And 99% of people would never ever want the child to know. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) My husband agreed to another this coming month - we had to wait a bit for his leave time to work out (beginning of 2017 baby). My argument has always been simple - there is nothing more important to invest in than an eternal, unique soul. Nobody ever regrets the children they have that I have personally witnessed, but I can tell you myriad stories of men and women wistfully expressing how they wish they'd had more when they could. It's such a brief period of time where conception is possible, if we aren't both positive we are done we see urgency in taking advantage of that. The money works itself out but time isn't on your side. Aid tell him if he isn't opposed that, as a favor to you and to honor your wishes, he should assent to this sooner than later and work out details from there. But the arguments that work with my else might no work with yours - in our case I needed to ascertain he *wanted* more kids and wasn't just agreeing to make me happy. He confirmed he was actually in favor of it, not just agreeing to end the discussion. I didn't want us on different pages and him resenting another baby and that's truly and genuinely not the issue. I really hope your spouse can get to the same place, Katie. Edited January 17, 2016 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Because once you have that child, you will not be able to imagine life without him or her! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 We have 11 children and I can't imagine having one less. Each one has brought so much joy to our family. Before we had our last child, my dh was thinking we should stop for good - ten was plenty. But I had a nagging feeling that we weren't finished, there was still one more soul waiting for us. So we had our last child and dh couldn't have been more thrilled with her. Our family would have missed out on having this sweet person in our lives. I'm betting your dh won't ever regret having one more. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I think I'd argue that even if we start trying right now, it might not happen. I mean, you would probably get pregnant within two years, but it might not happen at all. It could happen right away, but the odds are against it 'working' as quickly as it did a few years ago. It might freak you out, but your DH could be oddly comforted to know the very high likelihood of this taking years and not months. I like that argument too but my husband reminds me we have only not gotten pregnant on the first try once. I just say "yeah, but this time might be different!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I like that argument too but my husband reminds me we have only not gotten pregnant on the first try once. I just say "yeah, but this time might be different!". I've always gotten the impression that you weren't anywhere near 40???? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Aren't you a Christian, little missy? Children are a blessing from the Lord. We are to be fruitful and multiply. Now go do some math. ;) Children bring joy. They are a great gift. He will not be massively inconvenienced by another child, but you will always mourn for the child you never had. I am. He is....unsure of what he is. I don't have to be convinced, he does. The problem is my best argument has been that I love the ones we have so much, that another means more love. I'm not sure that's a logical enough argument, lol. The redundancy one...that might work :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 I think I'd argue that even if we start trying right now, it might not happen. I mean, you would probably get pregnant within two years, but it might not happen at all. It could happen right away, but the odds are against it 'working' as quickly as it did a few years ago. It might freak you out, but your DH could be oddly comforted to know the very high likelihood of this taking years and not months. I am worried about this,and mentioned it but because we have been super fertile in the past he's not very convinced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Well, I do know a couple couples that divorced after having that last child that one desperately wanted and the other felt ambivalent about having. I think pushing isn't the best. I would allow him to come around to it on his own if he does if he knows how you feel. I wanted a 3rd for a number of years, but my DH never came around to wanting the 3rd. It took a while, but I'm very happy with the family we have. We have been able to do some things with 2 that we couldn't with 3+. We are also in a good position to help our kids with college. If I felt he was truly not on board, I wouldn't push. But his nature is such that he will always resist change. He was MUCH more ambivalent about the others, truth be told. But once I was a few months pregnant he was excited and happy. In fact, I thought he was much more against the idea and had given up hope of a 4th, until he recently said he was "not opposed" and actually asked the littles if they'd like a brother or sister! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 (edited) I've always gotten the impression that you weren't anywhere near 40????I'm not, no. But I do have a boatload of health problems that develops with this last baby and we were advised to be done with children or wait five years. We are doing neither. I know more than a few women with secondary infertility and many of them had closely spaced babies before a big long unplanned break. I think my husband takes for granted that I have been able to conceive easily and it might not always be that way especially as I age. He knows it intellectually but the evidence has been on the side of quick conception. Nothing is guaranteed, though. For us the main calculation was whether he could take time off postpartum (because I have to be able to stay horizontal for at least a week) and whether I was really, truly feeling better and on top of my hormonal, allergic, and autoimmune issues (I think I am and it's been six months of consistent good health to prove it). But some of the ladies I've seen with secondary infertility or a string of miscarriages are right around my age. Sadly some missionary friends of ours have miscarried babies 6-8 this last year and just revealed the string of losses in their letter to us, after years of easy fertility with the first five (they're my age). I think seeing their grief and change in circumstance has actually affected DH's heart more than anything I could have said. And he was mentally on board with the idea and has been for several months, just asking us to delay until February for the aforementioned reasons. But watching someone else's pain and trouble does impart a sense of urgency about the fragility of life we very fertile families can sometimes take for granted. Edited January 17, 2016 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 You only have 3? You have to have another. Otherwise you'll have a middle child and that's just mean. I'm joking. If I remember correctly you decided you wanted another not too long ago. Don't be too upset if it takes him a little while. You are young. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I remember how hurt you were around Christmas when he told you he didn't want another one. I am happy for you that he is more open to the idea. My only story echoes one of the first replies. My mom had me after she turned 40. I also have a younger brother. We are #4 and #5. My mom repeats very often that she can't imagine how hard life would be for her without #3 (my sister helps with day to day stuff) and #4 (I do her taxes and manage her finances from farther away). Someday, she might feel that way about #5. She's not as fond of the boys. I hope you can hand this worry over to the Lord. He knows what is Good and Right no matter what any of us want. (Speaking as one that didn't always appreciate His choices for me. He's always been right eventually.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Why? Because you won't be lying on your deathbed, surrounded by those financial goals. You won't be surrounded by people from work. Or by cars. But you will be lying on your deathbed, with wonderful memories. Well, that made me cry a bit. So true. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Well, that made me cry a bit. So true. Best argument: I can't imagine my life without #4. She was waiting for us, just as we were waiting for her. Our life is better because she is with us. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistyMountain Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Each child is unique and you fall in love with them. Once they are there you cannot imagine life without them. When the kids are grown you will have more adults in your life. You have better odds of having grandchildren the more children you have. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frances Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I'm guessing you have met many people who wonder whether they should have stopped earlier, but there's no way to say that without sounding like a monster. And 99% of people would never ever want the child to know.Many years ago after having my son, I remember reading about a poll on this topic. If they were to do it over again, the majority of parents said either they would not have children at all or would have fewer children. It seemed so sad that it has really stuck with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 This isn't an argument, exactly, but IME a sure fire way to end up expecting another baby is to get rid of any extra baby gear you have hanging around. :) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Many years ago after having my son, I remember reading about a poll on this topic. If they were to do it over again, the majority of parents said either they would not have children at all or would have fewer children. It seemed so sad that it has really stuck with me. My ILs had five closely spaced kids and then one about 6 yrs later. I do think they regret how many kids they have. They love them all to pieces and would do anything for them, but I think parenting that long wore them out. Now they have 16 grandchildren and I do think it is hard for them to enjoy them because it is just so many and so much chaos when everyone is together. I don't think my MIL would ever give up one of her kids, but I also don't think she has "no regrets." To the op: it sounds like you have gotten lots of good advice and I bet your Dh will be on board soon. We have four and my 4th is the best thing ever. I love all my kids, but he is just such a joy to our family and I can't imagine my life without him. He is almost 4 and has not caused a single problem his whole life. He has been my easiest baby, toddler, and preschooler. The other kids adore him too. So I highly recommend four 😄. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderfilled Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 We had four boys and just had a baby girl last year. :) Our youngest boy was 7 so there is quite a gap. We cannot imagine life without the baby. We love each of our children so much that we can't imagine life without them, and I think my capacity to love just keeps expanding. I think just seeing how much fun each one has been, and seeing their unique personalities has made me able to love each new baby not only for who they are, but for who they will become, if that makes sense. So, I'm not sure I said anything helpful here, but may God bless and guide you. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Honestly? I'd give him time and respect. I think, even knowing you're almost forty, that that respect will do more than any argument, which actually might push him further. Agreed. The whole idea of "dh giving in" to my wishes on more children is distasteful to me and I couldn't do it. Creating a life is pretty darn serious and at the same time, there is nothing inherently better about having more vs. less. Is there really? We've only ever felt as if our family was still incomplete somehow and when it no longer felt that way...why come up with reasons to keep going? I've never had an issue with being uber sad about getting older and moving beyond the baby years, though. LOL There is SO much to love and support needed throughout a child's entire life! So much to do. And it's wonderful, but I don't need to keep trying to create wonderful for our family by creating more people. :P (These are my own thoughts, not in response to anything the OP or anyone else has said, btw! Just rambling.) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Just throwing this out there, has he ever discussed some of the things he'd hoped to do with you once the children are grown? Could that another aspect of the financial issue? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 To me, the benefit was simply that I enjoy having another, unique person in our family. This was apparently not a strong argument, though, because we did not have another child (well, I'm not dead yet, but now I don't want anymore kids). From a future projection standpoint, I thought the potential of having grandkids was more favorable with more kids than with fewer, and that is something I hope to enjoy (but not soon!) If one only has two kids, they might move away, remain single and/or childless, or otherwise not fulfill my hopes for grandmotherhood. So there's that. My DH is 8 years older than me. I did not realize (AT ALL) when we married that this life-stage discrepancy could be a major issue. But that was when I really saw it as a serious disadvantage. When I was 36-42, I wanted more kids, wanted that all the time, wanted that so bad I cried about it repeatedly, but he was out of sync with me in life stage. It is only now, when my estrogen has tanked and I don't have the energy or interest, that I have come to not only not want that anymore, but feel relieved that we didn't have another kid. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
netwelladm Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I have always wanted three children. We are stuck at two because hubby says he is too old at 54. I'm 43. Kids got really excited about the idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 My DH is 8 years older than me. I did not realize (AT ALL) when we married that this life-stage discrepancy could be a major issue. But that was when I really saw it as a serious disadvantage. When I was 36-42, I wanted more kids, wanted that all the time, wanted that so bad I cried about it repeatedly, but he was out of sync with me in life stage. It is only now, when my estrogen has tanked and I don't have the energy or interest, that I have come to not only not want that anymore, but feel relieved that we didn't have another kid. My dh is also 8 years older than I am - like Quill, I didn't realize how big an issue this discrepancy would be - but it really was. Anne 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Luckily, my husband is 3 years younger than me. Of course, that might be why he is more comfortable putting off this decision than I am! He doesn't have a biological clock ticking quite as loudly as mine is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Hop on the TTC 40+ board of your favourite parenting forum. Nobody gets a chance to scold me for having ds8 in less than perfect financial circumstances. I cut them off at the pass with, "We almost lost him before he was even conceived because I was so worried about money! Wasn't that silly of me? I'm so glad I saved $60,000 by not waiting until I needed an egg donor and...." and then I drone on and on about some of the extremes people are willing to go through to overcome fertility challenges. The cyberfriend who encouraged me to go for it never so much as got a second pink line. She postponed childbearing for career reasons and because she didn't want to be a single mother and Prince Charming never showed up. She was very successful in her field, had ample savings, owned her own home and several rental properties, and was only a year older than me. The last time I heard from her she had sold house and rental properties, liquidated her retirement fund, quit her job and moved across the country to take a lower paying position because it offered better FMLA (which she never even got to use), had no luck with private sperm donors, finally did the soul searching and the research involved in finding a specialist who was willing to do IVF with donor eggs for a single woman over the age of 45 in the US and none of the embies implanted. After five years of TTC, she was financially devastated and never even had a chemical pregnancy. Nothing. Nada. She doesn't even know what morning sickness feels like. Yea, she may have been some little kid telling lies on the internet, but there were too many stories like that for me to believe that ALL of them were. Or if that's not your dh's style, you could always try this: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why being a great parent is less work and more fun than you think and if that doesn't work try somebody else's suggestions but please, please, PLEASE be aware that the celebrities who are having babies in their late 40s and early 50s are NOT biologically related to their children and that the technology they are using to achieve their pregnancies is prohibitively expensive or simply not available to ordinary people like you and me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheryl Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Love, nuture, teach, inspire, etc Chubby cheeks, toothless grin, chubby legs, first everything: I love yous, dada, mama, laugh, solid food, catching a firefly, etc, Rocking chairs and snuggling while reading Goodnight Moon, hand holding ENDLESS list... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Everyone is so different. I'd go with however you talked him into the other kids. :) ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Everyone is so different. I'd go with however you talked him into the other kids. :) ;) Well, I didn't, exactly. The first one was don't ask/don't tell....we'd agreed to have kids but he was procrastinating. I told him I wasn't going to avoid anymore, and stopped birth control and went to NFP. He knew this, and for a while would always ask if I was in my fertile period before we, um, had TEA. But eventually he stopped asking, and well, that's how we got DD. With DS we were both trying to avoid, but it seems that we are more fertile than we though. Dry day (even at the cervix), 5 days before ovulation, and withdrawal and we still got a baby :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 You might want to think about what you will do if you don't get easily pregnant. Will you going through fertility treatment? How much? Are you both onboard with that decision? You don't want to be blaming each other later. I had my dc late, the last at 40. No one told me I would have a ten year old at 50!! I Wanted another until mine were older. and then it passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 You might want to think about what you will do if you don't get easily pregnant. Will you going through fertility treatment? How much? Are you both onboard with that decision? You don't want to be blaming each other later. I had my dc late, the last at 40. No one told me I would have a ten year old at 50!! I Wanted another until mine were older. and then it passed. No, at least I don't think I'd go very far with it. I am taking DHEA and COQ10 right now, in hopes of improving ovarian reserves (on the advice of my regular Ob/Gyn). I'm charting, and cycles are a bit wacky since my weight loss surgery so that makes me nervous, but this cycle seemed to be more normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 At near forty, you should have the child as soon as possible, for your health and the baby's. There is nothing wrong with having a baby after 40, but statistically speaking, life is more likely to be easier the sooner you do it (I mean, after you are an adult, of course :) ). That said, I understand your husband's reservations. Isn't he just starting a new job? I think you should listen to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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