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Prayers for my FIL, please - and for my dear husband.

AimeeM

By AimeeM,
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AimeeM

AimeeM

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Tonight was date night for DH and I. Before the sitter came I noticed that DH wasn't in a great mood. I asked him what was wrong and he said we'd talk about it later - he didn't want to "ruin" date night. I finally got him to talk to me in the car.

He received a call earlier from Philadelphia. A hospice service. My FIL's physician (who comes to his house) did blood work and it came back bad. They are pretty sure that his prostate cancer has spread (or is at least much worse). They called the hospice service. The social worker from the hospice called my DH (who has medical power of attorney over his father).

We literally JUST left my FIL's house this past weekend (we were there for Thanksgiving).

The social worker, and DH (and myself) are all supportive of my dear FIL's wishes regarding his care - meaning, no care beyond comfort. He's in his mid-80's and just doesn't want to go through.

However, it is becoming clear that he's getting worse. Hospice is enrolling him in pallative (sp?) care, and will send a chaplain weekly, a nurse 2 or 3 times weekly, and music therapy (kind of amusing to me, since FIL is a music teacher).

The social worker will keep myself and DH abreast regarding FIL's ability to care for himself. 

DH had to have a frank conversation regarding just that with his father. Dad doesn't want to leave his house - but if he's unable to care for himself, he's either going to have to move into a home/hospice center (not something we are willing to consider, nor is FIL willing to consider), or he will have to come live with us. The other option is that me and the children move in with him for a while. That would be hard (since we'd be 14+ hours from home and there would have to be major changes to FIL's life, within his own home, just to make it safe for my children to live there), but I'm happy to do it if it would make him more comfortable.

 

I'm rambling.

 

I cried when DH told me. I wish I hadn't. I need to be strong for him right now. He adores his father. He talks to his dad daily. He told his dad that he's going to fly in for a 4 day weekend every month and Dad seemed to be fine with that.

I so badly wish that FIL would move in here. The master bedroom would be perfect for him since it's on the ground floor of the house, has a large bathroom that would be easy for him to move around in, and has a huge additional room attached that he could convert into a music studio. Hell, I think DH would even get a rush job on finishing the basement if FIL said he would move down here but wanted a place for his music studio so he could still teach. 

I don't want strangers caring for him. I know they are professionals and I have no doubt that they're good at their jobs... but I want to take care of him. He's always been there for us, and I want to be there for him, too. 

Selfishly, I also want our children see him on his (rare, but there) good days. They didn't get any during the Thanksgiving holidays. Our oldest has great memories of Pop Pop... when he was feeling tops and he would take her across the street to his music shop, when he would take her upstairs to his art room, when he would help her hold the accordion... but the boys (6 and 3) don't have those memories.

 

DH was talking months. Only months. Only months that this wonderful, wonderful man may have left. This is a man who will have left his mark. This sweet man who took into his own home those who had nowhere else to go (to the tune of having to pay thousands to have his three story home un-bugged, lol), gives music lessons to the grandchildren of his original students, even if they can't pay, and is just one of the most genuine men I know. 

 

He had a scare last Christmas, but seemed to bounce back so quick. He was back at work full-time, within just a month or so following that scare. He just seemed to rapidly decline over the past couple months.

 

DH is just heartbroken.

 

So am I. 

 

P.S.

I don't know if I ever mentioned that, when DH is out of state/country traveling on business, FIL calls me to check on me, lol. Not that he could do much if I wasn't, but isn't it sweet that he cares? Yeah, it is. 

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Catwoman

Catwoman

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I'm so sorry. I'll pray. :grouphug:

 

FWIW, I think it's good that you cried. Your dh needs you to grieve with him, not just to be strong for him. And you love your FIL so of course you are upset. Please don't try to repress your own emotions -- it's not healthy for you or your family.

 

:grouphug:

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umsami

umsami

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:grouphug:

 

I will keep you all in my prayers.  It's so hard.  I'm sorry.  He sounds like such a wonderful man.

 

I actually think the music therapy is wonderful if your FIL is a music teacher. 

 

We're going through a similar thing with my Dad.  The kids and I have been driving back and forth every other week (5 hours or so).  I hope your FIL can come live with you or you can go stay with him.  I hope he can be surrounded by his loved ones and loved right until he transitions into his next stage.  I really do believe that saying, "What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning. "

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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I so badly wish that someone could figure out a way that he could keep teaching. We knew things were going downhill when, over the holiday, we heard him cancelling students. That is his entire life. His students. He adores them. I'm afraid he will go that much more quickly if he doesn't have that.

:grouphug:

 

I will keep you all in my prayers.  It's so hard.  I'm sorry.  He sounds like such a wonderful man.

 

I actually think the music therapy is wonderful if your FIL is a music teacher. 

 

We're going through a similar thing with my Dad.  The kids and I have been driving back and forth every other week (5 hours or so).  I hope your FIL can come live with you or you can go stay with him.  I hope he can be surrounded by his loved ones and loved right until he transitions into his next stage.  I really do believe that saying, "What the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning. "

 

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umsami

umsami

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I so badly wish that someone could figure out a way that he could keep teaching. We knew things were going downhill when, over the holiday, we heard him cancelling students. That is his entire life. His students. He adores them. I'm afraid he will go that much more quickly if he doesn't have that.

 

Why is he cancelling? Is it an energy thing? Inability to stand? Muscle weakness? Chemo brain?

 

Could he possibly at least teach your kids?  Could you set up a volunteer opportunity for him that he could be driven to?  What about online? (I know it may sound difficult, but we finally taught my almost 83 year old Mom to use Facetime.)

 

My Mom's teaching is her life too.  She volunteers at the local senior center.

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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Why is he cancelling? Is it an energy thing? Inability to stand? Muscle weakness? Chemo brain?

 

Could he possibly at least teach your kids?  Could you set up a volunteer opportunity for him that he could be driven to?  What about online? (I know it may sound difficult, but we finally taught my almost 83 year old Mom to use Facetime.)

 

My Mom's teaching is her life too.  She volunteers at the local senior center.

Energy, pain (he won't take anything stronger than tylenol). No chemo - he isn't receiving treatment.

 

We live 14 hours away, so he can't directly teach our children. He isn't really a computer kind of guy. It's the *seeing* and *doing* that he loves about teaching. He really dislikes the computer. DH has made sure FIL *knows* how to use one, but he only uses it to skype us. 

 

He's really, really low on energy, and is sleeping a lot more than usual.

 

He doesn't leave the house - except to walk across the street to his music shop. He hasn't left that immediate area since his wife died 30-some odd years ago. His groceries and other services come to him. So, volunteering is out. I think he's made Mass here and there, but even the priest or deacon comes to him to give communion :(

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Liz CA

Liz CA

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I remember a previous post where you told some funny story about the two Tonys. I think that was you anyway.

I am so sorry. I only know too well what it is like when you have to expect something like this. We are going through a similar thing but it is BIL.

Agree with Cat. Cry and grieve because it is so much healthier than the alternative. :grouphug:

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Aiden

Aiden

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I'm so sorry. He really does sound like a wonderful man. What a blessing he's been to so many! I hope a solution to his needs presents itself, so that he doesn't have to leave his home, or so that he's ok with leaving his home and moving in with you.  :grouphug:

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creekland

creekland

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I'm so sorry to hear what your FIL (and you) are going through, but it was enjoyable reading what you've written about the type of man he is - a great man to have in your lives.  May he seriously contemplate moving in with your family for some final together times.  Sending tons of  :grouphug: and prayers your way for dealing with the upcoming days.

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OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry this is happening.  I know this has been hard on all of you.  You are such a wonderful person to be so supportive of your DH and FIL during such a difficult time.

 

I do want to just toss out there that, having been in a similar situation with several family members, I found that moving someone when they had little time left and did not want to move out of their home was actually a really bad call, at least for us.  They became disoriented, more stressed, deeply depressed and things just really spiraled down.  Dying isn't easy but compounding that with being removed from everything really familiar and comforting just makes it a whole lot worse.  Sometimes there is no choice.  I do understand that.  If you can, though, keeping your FIL in his home as long as possible might be for the best, at least for his mental health and comfort.  It doesn't really matter how great the set up would be in your home.  It wouldn't be his home.  And it might create a lot more heartache if he moved to your house and had a terrible time adjusting.  

 

Either way, this isn't easy.  Huge hugs to you and your family.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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catz

catz

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I lost my father this year.  It is a really hard time.  :grouphug:

 

I was also going to say I would really respect his wishes and choices and not force him to do what he doesn't want.  If he'd prefer hospice to coming to you, respect that.  If he's cancelling students, he must feel it is necessary if that's what he truly loves.

 

Our beloved neighbor died just a week ago.  She was just in her early 60's and had stage 4 cancer dxed in May.  She was actually doing some treatment and stable into November.  I've seen great pictures of her out and about into October and November.  She gave us some treats in November!  2 weeks ago she just started to get weak and a week later she died.  Sometimes it goes really fast. 

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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Oh, I we would never force him to move. We know it would devastate him. 

Me moving in with him, though, would mandate so many changes to his current living situation (necessary, in order for the house to be made safe for the children to live in... which would include re-homing a pet who hates everyone but FIL, and makes that clear with biting) that THOSE changes would devastate him.

I feel like we can't win regarding this. And I think that's what makes the entire thing feel so hopeless. 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry this is happening.  I know this has been hard on all of you.  You are such a wonderful person to be so supportive of your DH and FIL during such a difficult time.

 

I do want to just toss out there that, having been in a similar situation with several family members, I found that moving someone when they had little time left and did not want to move out of their home was actually a really bad call, at least for us.  They became disoriented, more stressed, deeply depressed and things just really spiraled down.  Dying isn't easy but compounding that with being removed from everything really familiar and comforting just makes it a whole lot worse.  Sometimes there is no choice.  I do understand that.  If you can, though, keeping your FIL in his home as long as possible might be for the best, at least for his mental health and comfort.  It doesn't really matter how great the set up would be in your home.  It wouldn't be his home.  And it might create a lot more heartache if he moved to your house and had a terrible time adjusting.  

 

Either way, this isn't easy.  Huge hugs to you and your family.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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He doesn't want hospice if it means he has to leave his home either, lol. He's a rather stubborn man, which I adore about him - listening to the way Big Tony and Little Tony bicker is more endearing than annoying, even when it's over rather serious issues.

I lost my father this year.  It is a really hard time.  :grouphug:

 

I was also going to say I would really respect his wishes and choices and not force him to do what he doesn't want.  If he'd prefer hospice to coming to you, respect that.  If he's cancelling students, he must feel it is necessary if that's what he truly loves.

 

Our beloved neighbor died just a week ago.  She was just in her early 60's and had stage 4 cancer dxed in May.  She was actually doing some treatment and stable into November.  I've seen great pictures of her out and about into October and November.  She gave us some treats in November!  2 weeks ago she just started to get weak and a week later she died.  Sometimes it goes really fast. 

 

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Halftime Hope

Halftime Hope

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Aimee, we took care of my FIL in his own home, and my parents moved to live with my brother in his home, so we've been on both end of the spectrum.

 

I just wanted to assure you that no situation will be without challenges--they'll simply be different ones. That reality might free you up to choose one or the other scenario. Both will be rewarding as you walk with your FIL through his final days.

 

I wanted to affirm you in your realization that this will be both the best of times and the worst of times. Children have a great capacity for empathy and love, and the magnitude of the difficulty and the sacrifices your family will make will fade over time.  You'll remember that it was hard, but you'll be so grateful for the time and the precious memories, I promise.

 

Sending you all the best.

 

 

 

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brehon

brehon

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Aimee, I don't know about the hospice situation where your fil lives. However, in my state hospice can be either in a facility or in the patient's home. Professionally and personally speaking I've seen both work very well as long as the patient and all family members were clear on what hospice would and would not do/treat. In general, hospice wants patients to be comfortable and in control of their lives/end of life decisions. The best hospice companies work with their patients.

 

I'm very sorry to hear of your fil's decline. It's just so damn hard. ((((()))))

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