s/o How old were your kids when they started helping with housework on their own?

[rose]

The title says it all.

 

My two 12yos will very occasionally pitch in without some direction on my part but it's still rare. I'm in my first trimester and I could REALLY use a little extra responsibility from them.

[IfIOnly]

Once a year, if I'm lucky? My oldest will be twelve in a few days. We do schedule chores in though, and I've got most of the basics covered, so I don't know that there's much for them to do otherwise, IYKWIM?

[TechWife]

My son is 18 - I'll try to remember to let you know if he ever gets there.  :closedeyes:

 

I think 12 is  young to expect kids to self-initiate helping out. Can you make a more comprehensive list for them and give them five things to do from the list each day? 

[Mama Geek]

My 5 year old came in and wanted to help me clean the bathrooms and vacuum today and later in the day she helped fold laundry.  Don't know how long it will last but I am loving it.

[catz]

People I know are enforcing through high school.  I don't think I really got good until I had my own space to maintain!  I'm definitely still prompting at 14 going on 15!  The good thing now is that it is kind of a habit in that I don't need to nag.  Just remind!  :D

 

ETA - my 11 year old used to love helping with household stuff.  That phase is LONG over unfortunately!  LOL

[knoxinsox]

My 6 year old daughter has just started helping without me asking. She will work right along side me, and is very proud of her accomplishments. She is already very intentional about spending time with her mama and I think this fills her love bucket somehow.

My son has only once been a self-starter---he trimmed the grass once without anyone telling him to.  We'll just keep on with our scheduled chores. 

[Guest]

I try to assign jobs by the youngest capable helper, so the older girls don't get overloaded and the youngers are trained to assist instead of just make more messes for everyone else.

 

The two year old helps pick up toys and put away some dishes.

 

The four year old cleans up toys and folds simple laundry.

 

The seven and eight year olds can unload dishwashers, load washers, fold clothes, clean bathrooms with help and supervision, sweep, and wipe tables.

 

The four year old will be getting rotations on sweeping and wiping things down when he is five :)

[scholastica]

It's been different for different kids. My oldest (17) just recently started, but my next oldest started around 10 or 12. She's 14 now. She enjoys surprising me with work that she's done. I think she understands better than most my need for order and low tolerance for visual clutter. Occasionally, the two younger ones (11 and 8) will do some work on their own.

 

ETA. They all have regularly assigned chores that they do with varying degrees of independence. Lately, the 11yo has done his assigned work with little to no reminding.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I ask for help.  The 13 year old will sometimes do stuff without being asked. 

[The Girls' Mom]

I think many kids just don't get it until they have their own place.  It just isn't on the radar, so to speak.  My kids will pretty much let the house fall down around their ears if I don't ask for help.  (spending 4 weeks very sick this past winter confirmed this)  They are very good about doing things when asked, but never really self-initiate.  Two of them DO keep their rooms clean and do their own laundry without prompting, but only because it affects them directly..lol.  

[MomOfABunch]

I try to assign jobs by the youngest capable helper, so the older girls don't get overloaded and the youngers are trained to assist instead of just make more messes for everyone else.

 

The two year old helps pick up toys and put away some dishes.

 

The four year old cleans up toys and folds simple laundry.

 

The seven and eight year olds can unload dishwashers, load washers, fold clothes, clean bathrooms with help and supervision, sweep, and wipe tables.

 

The four year old will be getting rotations on sweeping and wiping things down when he is five :)

This exactly.

[J-rap]

I think it's the rare child who takes initiative for this!  You need a system.  Give them a set job that need to be done before school each day, for example.

 

I honestly didn't even notice dirt or messiness until I had my own home.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My husband doesn't even always take initiative.  I just ask. 

 

Sure maybe in a perfect world everyone would just read my mind and have the same priorities, but they don't. So I get over that, and I ask.

 

 

[Guest]

And yeah, I don't think anyone really helps on their own - I certainly don't expect it, though it's nice when it occasionally happens.

 

My younger kids do it sometimes, as do the olders. Every once in awhile my husband does, too. But usually it involves assigned chores, asking, or what has to be done to make things work. I figured that was pretty normal. I wouldn't voluntarily work if I didn't have to, either. I'd have a maid!

[EKS]

Um, yeah right...

[momacacia]

I have not emptied the dishwasher but a handful of times since I was pregnant with #3 3 years ago. The girls trade this chore of weekly. Yes, they still need nagging but it's pretty much a constant.

 

We've since incorporated tidying up the two non-master bathrooms each morning when it's their week off dishwasher. They still need detailed training on how to do this. The 6yo is actually better than the 10yo with the bathrooms. They've also started doing and folding their own laundry. I just couldn't do all this stuff as I'm expecting #4 now. They're an integral part of my survival and frankly I'm looking forward to having my body and health back so I can train them better. That will be about 2 years from now though.

[fairfarmhand]

:smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: \

 

Oh, you were serious?

 

Mine are 17, 13, 10 and 7.

 

 

[IfIOnly]

I try to assign jobs by the youngest capable helper, so the older girls don't get overloaded and the youngers are trained to assist instead of just make more messes for everyone else.

 

The two year old helps pick up toys and put away some dishes.

 

The four year old cleans up toys and folds simple laundry.

 

The seven and eight year olds can unload dishwashers, load washers, fold clothes, clean bathrooms with help and supervision, sweep, and wipe tables.

 

The four year old will be getting rotations on sweeping and wiping things down when he is five :)

 

Impressive. My kids wouldn't have done a decent job on the floor and wiping (at least the meal table, dusting would have been okay) until older. I'd ask how you accomplish this, but we're past a bunch of little stage. My youngest son is turning 7 followed by my daughter who is turning 3.

[IfIOnly]

I have not emptied the dishwasher but a handful of times since I was pregnant with #3 3 years ago. The girls trade this chore of weekly. Yes, they still need nagging but it's pretty much a constant.

 

We've since incorporated tidying up the two non-master bathrooms each morning when it's their week off dishwasher. They still need detailed training on how to do this. The 6yo is actually better than the 10yo with the bathrooms. They've also started doing and folding their own laundry. I just couldn't do all this stuff as I'm expecting #4 now. They're an integral part of my survival and frankly I'm looking forward to having my body and health back so I can train them better. That will be about 2 years from now though.

 

:iagree:  I have no idea when that last time I swept the floor (any floor in our home: bathrooms, laundry room, entry, kitchen), cleared and wiped a table, took out the trash, or put away the dishes was. Years is all I know.  :)

[Joker]

They don't up and decide to clean without being asked and I wouldn't expect it. They are 13 and 15.

 

They are good about helping out when they see a need or when asked, though. Often, when I bring out the vacuum, one will take it from me to do it instead.  If they are with me at the grocery store, they never let me carry bags to the car or inside the house. That's actually became kind of a game here in that I try to get away with a small bag or something, but they always catch on and take it from me. I still have to remind them to pick up their own trash and dishes. I have to remind them about their laundry. I have to ask them to clean their rooms and bathroom. I consider it good that they do all of those things when asked with no issue. They also help out in other areas when asked with no problems, so I'm happy.

[Guest]

Impressive. My kids wouldn't have done a decent job on the floor and wiping (at least the meal table, dusting would have been okay) until older. I'd ask how you accomplish this, but we're past a bunch of little stage. My youngest son is turning 7 followed by my daughter who is turning 3.

Inspection! I watch them, try to praise first, and offer suggestions on how to improve next time or point to spots they've missed. We practice a lot, and they definitely start out rough, but they don't begrudge helping if I'm encouraging and complimentary. It's hard because I always see the flaws first, but I don't want to deflate my children when they're trying hard with good attitudes.

 

It's a work in progress, but I started when they were little and now it's pretty well cemented so I don't get a lot of huffing and puffing or drama - they know it's jut the way it goes and are usually sweet about assisting, even though I often have to remind them to stay on task :)

[IfIOnly]

Inspection! I watch them, try to praise first, and offer suggestions on how to improve next time or point to spots they've missed. We practice a lot, and they definitely start out rough, but they don't begrudge helping if I'm encouraging and complimentary. It's hard because I always see the flaws first, but I don't want to deflate my children when they're trying hard with good attitudes.

 

It's a work in progress, but I started when they were little and now it's pretty well cemented so I don't get a lot of huffing and puffing or drama - they know it's jut the way it goes and are usually sweet about assisting, even though I often have to remind them to stay on task :)

 

We do some of that. It's just I don't have the patience when they're little and just wait to make it easier on me, I'm remembering now. Ha! Good for you though. AM!

[rebcoola]

My oldest started doing some at 6 or 7 she is such a pleaser she figured out the best surprise to give me is something clean.    The first time I left her home alone  (8) she swept and mopped the great room because she thought it would help prove she was responsible.  

[chocolatechip]

I'm pretty young, so I remember this well. I remember getting in a big argument with my mom about it. I was shocked to discover that she felt unappreciated and like we just expected her to do everything. I was and am a very independent person, and if I don't ask for help that means I don't WANT help. Meanwhile, Mom was frustrated because I would never do anything without a request, and I was frustrated because I felt she was expecting me to read her mind. All I wanted was for her to communicate what she needed; I was happy to help!

 

All this to say, I vote just ask them! Don't feel neglected because they don't think of it on their own.

[Starr]

I think it works better when there are regular, specific jobs and then occasional extras. That old Monday we do the wash, Tuesday dust the loving room, this week Joe helps with dishes and Jack cleans up after the animals.... 

[KungFuPanda]

My husband is 46. I'm still waiting. Him and 18-year-old daughter will do anything I ask, but they don't tend to take the initiative unless it directly benefits them, like emptying the dishwasher so dishes are out of the way for cooking, or washing clothes.

 

You have to have a system. If mom isn't organized, nothing is. The best you can hope is they internalize your system or at least put it on autopilot. It's an exercise in futility to expect them to just start looking around for things to clean.

[LucyStoner]

My sons have their assigned jobs. 8 times in 10 my older son tackles his work without prompting. He likes the routine and the predictability of it. My younger son needs to be reminded nearly all of the time. I don't see this as a problem. I don't expect a 6 year old to just know what needs to be done. When I am doing something however, he is the kid more likely to offer help because he sees it as fun. they both have a magnet board to track.

[foxbridgeacademy]

DS just turned 14 and will do whatever I ask of him, no complaints, but until recently never without being asked/reminded.  About 6 mos. ago he started remembering the trash on Monday nights, no prompting!  

 

 DD has been cleaning on her own volition for years(like she started around 5 yrs old doing dishes/laundry/vacuuming) but ask her to do her regular chores when she doesn't want to?  Never ending pouting, complaining, and even some outright arguing. 

[SKL]

My kids are 8 so I'll let you know.  :P

 

The other day one of mine told me that she tried to clean her toothbrush but couldn't get all of the toothpaste off.  I think this might be the first time a kid of mine tried cleaning anything without being told.  (Though, I suppose it is possible they have been picking up after themselves without me noticing.)  One of mine tends toward neatness and she likes to prepare spaces before using them, but not so much with the intention of helping Mom.

[mom2att]

On their own? Probably never. But they have weekly tasks they are assigned, and though they get a small allowance regardless, they get a bonus for completing their tasks. They've been taking out the trash for years--this is part of the allowance, as well as keeping their stuff picked up. For extra tasks, younger ds cleans the windows and dusts. Older ds vacuums the rugs and sweeps the floors. He's a detail-oriented kid so he actually does a better job than I would. I clean the bathrooms and the kitchen. So on Saturday mornings, there's something for everyone to do and they know the electronics aren't turned on until the tasks are completed (we're a weekend-only electronics family, so they look forward to this time).

 

They also have started doing the yardwork, which is a huge help to me since dh travels and it was my job when he was gone. Younger ds picks up the sticks (we have a ton of trees) and older ds mows. They also get an allowance bonus for this.

 

But just looking at the yard and thinking, "Oh I should probably mow?" That doesn't happen.

 

Keep giving direction, and assign tasks if you want help, OP. You have a lot of littles--your pre-teens can be given tasks to help you out. Don't expect them to just do it on their own. And don't expect them to not complain about it or to do a perfect job. It's a process.

 

 

[lllll]

nm

[Soror]

From a very young age they have helped without prompting but that help is sporadic, they go through stages thinking it is so cool and then discover it is hard work and realize it isn't so fun. Like right now the 5 yo likes to vacuum, even though it isn't her chore, who knows how long that will last though. I don't expect them to help without me asking, although I do expect them to help when I do. Everyone has chores, although officially the 2yo doesn't she is asked to do various little things, picking up, putting things away, feeding the cat (she loves that). My oldest 2 can do most things decently but sweeping is still rather rough (although I'm a bit picky about this, even dh doesn't do it to my liking). They unload the dishwasher(I prefer to load it), mop, clean bathrooms (I do deep clean tubs), trash, dusting, setting tables, basic cooking, cleaning rooms, laundry, windows (5 yo does this because she likes it but it isn't the best job but considering the perpetual huge smudges and marks it is better than nothing and I do full on clean every season). 

 

Mostly how it runs is they have their things they are expected to do every day and then we have pick-up times where everybody works together. My last pregnancy was rather rough so I straight up let them know I needed more help (and also let my standards slide). These days I feel well but I feel everyone should pitch in because we're a family, one person shouldn't sit on their butt while the others work, we all make the mess so we all clean it up together.

[Luckymama]

Totally on their own, not as an assigned chore? When home from college on breaks.

[kristi26]

Um...I have a 15YO and a 12YO...they still don't help out because they feel like it. The only way any of them do anything is if I say, "here's your list for today. Get started." ;) I doubt they will ever just help because they saw something that needs done despite the fact that we DO tell them regularly that, as members of the family, they are supposed to help us out each day. It's part of being a family. 

 

If you want help every day, I'd give them jobs. :)

[kristi26]

It's just occurred to me that DS15 actually has started and switched laundry to the dryer on his own a handful of time in the last few weeks. It's definitely not a regular occurrence by any stretch of the imagination. He also holds doors for me (all the boys do, actually).

 

My kids are willing to help without much complaint, but they need the jobs pointed out. They don't "see" the need on their own for the most part.

[abba12]

I'm pretty young, so I remember this well. I remember getting in a big argument with my mom about it. I was shocked to discover that she felt unappreciated and like we just expected her to do everything. I was and am a very independent person, and if I don't ask for help that means I don't WANT help. Meanwhile, Mom was frustrated because I would never do anything without a request, and I was frustrated because I felt she was expecting me to read her mind. All I wanted was for her to communicate what she needed; I was happy to help!

 

All this to say, I vote just ask them! Don't feel neglected because they don't think of it on their own.

 

THIS THIS THIS

 

I am also fairly young and remember this time, and I would have been happy to help but I assumed she had it under control and I had other things to worry about. It wasn't that I didn't care, if she asked me to do something I did, happily, I had no problem helping out. But to just wander into a room and clean it 'just because'? I don't even do that as an adult, I do my adult chores based on my adult chore list, and not before. Bedroom is a mess? It's on the list for Saturday, I'll deal with it then. Bathroom getting a little chaotic? I might pick up a few dirty items, pick up a handful of rubbish, and the rest can wait until Wednesday. If I don't 'just clean when I see things need cleaning' I can hardly expect my kids to.

 

Having said that, my 4yo loves to clean things as a 'surprise', but I suspect that stage will end far too early lol. 

[lmrich]

When my daughter was 11 she did it a lot. I would be tutoring and she would clean the kitchen for me! It was so shocking and nice. I do not know why it came to an end. My kids (and husband) do better with direction. I honestly think that they do not see the mess. Make a chore chart. 

[fairfarmhand]

I'll come back to say that my kids will help out if I tell them to.

 

But looking at a room and saying "Ooo,the carpet's dirty. I think I'll vacuum"

 

Nope.

 

My oldest does her own laundry without my asking. Frequently she;s standing by the dryer in her PJs hoping she won't have to wear damp pants to work.

[Julie Smith]

My boys are now 9 and 11. 

 

Once a year ago I left them at home when I went out. I came home and found they had spent the time doing chores. Tiding, washing, cleaning, laundry. 

 

I think at most it happened twice. 

[umsami]

Pitch in without helping???  Yikes....maybe once a month, when they feel bad for me....or if they want extra iPad time.

 

I would just make a list of daily weekly chores and tell them you expect them to do this to help out.  I wouldn't expect them to voluntarily help.  

[KrissiK]

From what I understand..... Never. My BFF has two college age kids still living at home and they do nothing unless she reminds them. I don't think I ever pitched in on my own. And then I moved out and realized it was either live in squalor or get up and do it myself because my mom wasn't there to tell me what to do. And then I became a pretty good cleaner-upper.

[kewb]

Umm, never. Occasionally someone will pitch in without me having to get all momster on them.

 

It is important to me, not them. I don't recall being particularly helpful until I moved out and mom wasn't there to clean up.

 

I will amend. Occasionally my oldest will mow the lawn without my having to remind him. And once my dd noticed the overflowing garbage in the kitchen and took ot out without being asked.

[JessReplanted]

My kids have chores every day. I usually have to prompt them, but then they get things done.

 

My 12 year old is very helpful:

 - mows the lawn

 -empties the dishwasher

-takes out & changes trash

-sweeps the floor

 

They all know how to switch the laundry around and they all fold clothes (although they don't do it very well).

They have to keep their rooms clean, and they pick up the house at least once a day. They can all vacuum, although

we probably don't do that often enough.

 

You 12 year-olds should be very capable of helping you!! :grouphug:

[Haiku]

My two 12yos will very occasionally pitch in without some direction on my part but it's still rare. 

 

Then direct them. :D My 12 and 13 year olds, between them, mow the lawn, clean the bunny pens, clean the litter boxes, feed the dogs and cats, take out the trash and recycling, do their own laundry, weed the flower beds, and sweep and vacuum the floors. They each make dinner twice a week, and they clean the kitchen after dinner every night.

 

I'm confident that if I had to leave for several days or more, my kids could run the household reasonably well. If you need your kids' help and they are not stepping up on their own, then give them a list of what needs to be done and tell them to get to it.

[rose]

I hope no one thinks that my dc are unhelpful. They do so much work for me. What I'd really like is a break from having to think and organize everybody's work load. I'd like to be able to take a nap and wake up to them being constructive rather running around like maniacs with the littles because I forget to give explicit directions before I went down. I must sound whiny. This thread is helping me be a little more realistic in my expectations. I frequently fall into the trap of expecting too much of my oldest. It's easy to expect them to be adults before they're time. Thanks for the reminder!

[fairfarmhand]

I hope no one thinks that my dc are unhelpful. They do so much work for me. What I'd really like is a break from having to think and organize everybody's work load. I'd like to be able to take a nap and wake up to them being constructive rather running around like maniacs with the littles because I forget to give explicit directions before I went down. I must sound whiny. This thread is helping me be a little more realistic in my expectations. I frequently fall into the trap of expecting too much of my oldest. It's easy to expect them to be adults before they're time. Thanks for the reminder!

 

In the school year, I have a chart that lays out everyone's workload. Each day's chores are laid out. They know there will be no screen time till the jobs are checked off.

 

Yeah, they get tired of doing the same chores all the time. So what? So do I. I make sure the really icky chores are spread around (one person's permanent job is brushing the dog, someone else permanently scrubs the toilet, and another person gets trash duty. )

 

RE: explicit directions before naptime: if you wake mom up, she will find horrid things to keep you busy after she gets up. There;s nothing wrong with saving screen time for your rest period, use the screens for babysitters. Rewards like a cookie after naptime help when they've been good. Or you can set everyone on their beds with a book and orders to be quiet while you lay down.

 

 

[SKL]

Have you sat your 12yos down and talked to them (positively) about this?  Maybe if they see it from your perspective, they might do things a bit differently.  It's true that 12yo is young, but they are 2/3 to adulthood and are capable of thinking more like an adult than a little child.

[scholastica]

Ok. So now I have to change my answer. My dds still have a touch of a cold and so couldn't go to the pool. I took the boys and while I was gone, my dd(8) cleaned a bunch. She even cleaned windows and used the Magic Eraser on doors and walls. So, I guess 8 is the new answer in my house.

[Debbi in Texas]

Very very seldom has been my experience, I am sorry to say. Dh will empty the dishwasher and take out the trash without being asked, but ds -no.

[rocassie]

So far the only task my oldest (8) does on her own (usually) is laundry.  Each kids does their own laundry - wash, dry, and put away.  My 8yo likes to wear certain outfits so if all her favorites are dirty then she does her laundry.  

 

Otherwise, we generally have specific chores and specific times to do them.  I still prompt and they are still young so I need to oversee much of it.  Maybe one day?  Probably when I visit them in their own home right?  ;)