Vent - Just... family. No respect as a SAHM

[abba12]

Another venting topic from me, I'll stop soon, promise!

 

I just need to vent. I run a part time business from home selling second hand clothes. This isn't a hobby making me an extra $50 a week, this is a business I pour 15 hours a week into for a small but respectable return, which was our only source of income when my husband was unemployed last year. It's not 'something to keep me busy', my husband is working again but will never go back to work full time, so it is an integral part of our household income now. Not that I expect any special recognition for that, but, a little respect would be nice. Especially since I am disabled, and my family is well aware that working in a necessary sense was NEVER on my radar for married life, so this has actually been a massive life change to accept. I knew I would have kids one way or another, and I knew I would be a SAHM and homeschool, and we live in a country with a social security system which allows for that in various ways . So finding myself sharing household, schooling, and working responsibilities equally between my husband and I was not something I ever imagined doing, and it's been a lot more emotionally draining than I've let on. 

 

Two weeks ago my sister, who has worked full time from age 15 and plans to never have children, was over. We were talking about work and she was whining about her job. I made a comment about my work and she was, like 'you don't work', I said yes I do, and stood up for myself a bit, explaining I do have to schedule work hours into our week and things, and she said 'yeah, but I don't consider that to be REAL work' She went on to make some comments about how, if I had to get up at 5am in the cold to go work in the muddy paddocks (she works with horses) then I'd know what work is. Well, I might not know much about getting up at 5am to work, but I know plenty about staying up until 2am working after a full day of school and wrangling toddlers, knowing children will wake me in the morning at the same time anyway despite my late bedtime. But I didn't bother arguing it with her.

 

Then today my dad comes over, and asks, yet again, 'so are you still selling stuff?'. No dad, I quit because I got bored of it. Every time we have the same conversation.

'how much do you make off it?'

'oh about $XXX a week"

"wow, seriously?!"

The amount hasn't changed in the past year, but he still seems genuinely shocked every time. Shocked at what? That his daughter can actually do something that makes money?? He's not a chauvinist, I mean, mum was a SAHM, but his partner of 6 years works full time, and he works in a predominantly female workplace. Is it just that he thinks I'M useless? And how many months do I need to continue having this same conversation, with the same numbers, before I prove him otherwise enough for him to not be surprised I'm 'still doing it'? And then he makes comments like 'well thats some great extra money in your pocket', as if, obviously, my income is non-essential and nothing but pocket money. 

 

In fact, I think my in laws respect what I am doing more than my family does, which is humorous for anyone who has seen my past threads about their dislike of me, belittling of women, and general craziness. 

 

This isn't some feministic rant, like I said, I never intended to work at all! But can't they at least pretend like it's a real thing? I suppose if I went out and got a job at McDonalds it would be 'real work', even though the work would be easier and the pay would be less. But a business I've built myself, that I have to manage stock for, deal with customers, pay bills for, and file tax stuff for, isn't a 'real' job, it's just 'a bit of pocket money'. Funny since my dad ran his own businesses, from home, most of my childhood, so both he and my sister are well aware of the realities of working from home.

 

I'd avoid the topic altogether if I could, but they seem to think my 'hobby' is wonderfully novel and ask me about it in the sort of belittling way you might ask an 8 year old about their lemonade stand or a 12 year old about her little pet sitting 'business' for the neighbour across the street. Meanwhile it only makes worse the confusing, conflicting feelings I have about the whole situation and the time it takes away from actively parenting my little ones, even though I know I only work when my husband is around to take over. It's just not what I imagined I guess. 

[gardenmom5]

part of their problem understanding "this is real work" - is you're working from home. you don't go somewhere else.  you don't dress up.  you don't have clients come to you, etc. - and most importantly - you are taking care of your children at the same time.  everyone knows mother's don't work.  (big, huge, eyeroll.) (your sister is being competitive in that she only sees what she does as work. she's still "self-centric".  life will knock that out of her.)   

 

dh works from home, (ds works from home too, for someone else) - they are both real incomes and real businesses - but even some of dh's extended family members think he's available when they want him.  shutting them down does get tiresome.  (I'm more annoyed by business calls coming on the house line.  but I cheerfully take messages, because . . . business.)  

 

My advice is to learn to not let it bother you when they make such remarks.  don't compete, let the comments roll off. it says more about them than it does about you. I know easier said than done - but you can't teach a pig to sing.  it annoys the pig and wastes your time.

besides - being cheerful and successful, is annoying to negative people.  ;p

when they ask questions like they are talking to an eight year old - answer back like THEY are the eight year old and you are giving them business advice.  be explicit, and use very VERY simple terms.  if that means being patronizing and condescending because they won't shut up about it - well, it's their own fault.  what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, or turnabout is fair play.

 

 

eta: if they are being particularly vexing- you can look at your watch, announce the time, and state you have to go do __ for your business now.  grant them a steely glance, turn your back and depart.

 

[frogger]

Oh there are people that would say work at McDonald's isn't real work either. If you aren't doing what they do or something equally sparkly or poopy depending on the circumstance then it doesn't count.

 

Good job on finding something that works for you. In so many ways its harder to work from home.

[Guest]

I'd flip out in your shoes, too. But then again, I also work jobs from home that get almost no respect, in addition to being a wife and mom and homeschooler. Spending multiple hours in challenging skilled labor is work, even if it doesn't require a commute. Grr.

[SparklyUnicorn]

This really stinks and would make me crazy.  You shouldn't have to explain yourself.  Have you ever just flat out told them what they are saying is very hurtful? 

[creekland]

They probably won't change as our society puts jobs on a ladder with rocket scientists/lawyers/doctors/etc on top and minimum wage on bottom.  I think some "work from home" options are on the ground level.  It should never be that way, but it is.

 

My mom loves to brag about her engineer SIL.  She tried for years to get me to go full time teaching (instead of the part time subbing I do) so I'd have a real job.  I have no interest in full time.  I love what I do and I love the flexibility/freedom of it.  I got used to her "encouragement."  She has hubby she can brag about at least.  ;)  And now - after many years - she's finally accepted that I'm not changing, esp since she now travels with us more and has a better understanding of the flexibility part.

 

My mom and I have a great relationship.  One has to put up with quirks in family (and sometimes friends).  It happens.  If you're happy, that's really all that matters.  They may or may not come around.  I agree quirks are annoying - no argument there - but... there's an ideal life and then there's real life.

[JennyD]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this!  It sounds very aggravating.

 

 

 

Then today my dad comes over, and asks, yet again, 'so are you still selling stuff?'. No dad, I quit because I got bored of it. Every time we have the same conversation.

'how much do you make off it?'

'oh about $XXX a week"

"wow, seriously?!"

The amount hasn't changed in the past year, but he still seems genuinely shocked every time. Shocked at what? That his daughter can actually do something that makes money?? He's not a chauvinist, I mean, mum was a SAHM, but his partner of 6 years works full time, and he works in a predominantly female workplace. Is it just that he thinks I'M useless? And how many months do I need to continue having this same conversation, with the same numbers, before I prove him otherwise enough for him to not be surprised I'm 'still doing it'? And then he makes comments like 'well thats some great extra money in your pocket', as if, obviously, my income is non-essential and nothing but pocket money. 

 

 

 

 

If it makes you feel any better, my DH is a tenured professor at a well-regarded university,with a long list of publications and accomplishments to his name.  Despite YEARS of conversations about this, my ILs -- who are wonderful, by the way -- simply cannot seem to believe that he works when classes are not in session. Here is, verbatim, a conversation I had with my MIL just yesterday afternoon.  This is at about 2pm on a July Friday.

 

[blah blah blah conversation]

MIL: So where is [DH]?

ME: At work.

MIL: [perplexed] Work?

ME:  Yes, work.

MIL: [Pauses to think about this]

 

It drives DH absolutely b.a.n.a.n.a.s.  He had a research leave last year to finish a major project and was putting in killer hours to get it done before he had to go back to teaching. They kept asking him how it was being "on vacation."

 

Hugs to you.  You're doing a great job.  

 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Don't worry.  If you were out working full time, that would be the cause of any issues your kids have.  You'd be blamed for not being there to parent as often as necessary. 

Mothers get blamed for everything.  So if you want to "win" at this, you need to ignore those comments or tell them to stop freaking making them or you won't talk to them.

 

That's what I do.  I just say this is my life, I'm doing what I need to do, mind your own details.

 

 

[The Girls' Mom]

Family is frustrating.

 

Dh works from home.  He has supported our family for years working from home, and makes pretty good money at it.  He has "office hours" in which he is actively working and cannot be interrupted.  

 

We STILL have family that think he's available any ol' time for any ol' thing.  

 

 

[Goldilocks]

When I saw the title of your post, I thought I would be reading about how you don't have a job in which you earn money. I thought (like me) that you were feeling a little guilty about that..like you should be earning money so your family can enjoy some "extras." I thought I would be giving you a little pep talk and encouragement about how what you do is important, your time with them is more important than extra money, etc.

 

Instead... I am so impressed with you!

 

Your family has no idea what you are accomplishing. I am so sorry that they are not a support and encouragement to you. What your dad and sister are doing and saying is rude and hurtful.

[Guest]

This isn't some feministic rant, like I said, I never intended to work at all! But can't they at least pretend like it's a real thing? I suppose if I went out and got a job at McDonalds it would be 'real work', even though the work would be easier and the pay would be less. But a business I've built myself, that I have to manage stock for, deal with customers, pay bills for, and file tax stuff for, isn't a 'real' job, it's just 'a bit of pocket money'. Funny since my dad ran his own businesses, from home, most of my childhood, so both he and my sister are well aware of the realities of working from home.

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of people cannot fully grasp non-traditional work formats. People still think I am not working, because my job is secretarial work for DH's companies. It is true I enjoy more flexibility than standard working conditions, and my hours are PT, but a LOT of people discount the fact that I do actually have an obligation to fill. The work does need to be done.

 

I don't think it is only WAHM who get this, either. Men who have non-traditional work are often treated as if they are loafers and, if they bring any income at all, it surely must be pizza money. I remember reading this in the book "Pro-Blogger." The pro blogger guy blogged his way to six figures, but notes that people would ask if he was "still doing that blogging thing," like it was chump change. I think it was even his parents who asked when he was going to secure a "real" job.

[Annie G]

Yeah, lots of people truly don't grasp the 'work' part of working at home. It's still a job, people! I am a math tutor and even though I travel to meet my students,  my family doesn't think I work. What???  It took me a while to let it roll off my back, and sometimes it bothers me more than others...but I'm trying not to let their opinions bother me. 

 

Sorry your family doesn't get it. I know how frustrating it is. 

 

 

[Valley Girl]

Seriously, I'd push back. Obviously I don't know your dad, but he just sounds a bit clueless. Your sister, well, I'd let her have it.

 

You're homeschooling... you're taking care of a family... and you're an entrepreneur. You're amazing.

"Are you still selling stuff?"

 

Yes, my business is going very well right. My family is very proud of me. Thanks for asking.

 

"I don't consider it to be REAL work."

 

Tell you what..when you've been teaching, planning lessons, providing childcare, taking care of a home and family, and running a business all in the same day, then you can talk to me about what real work is.

 

Try not to let them get you down. You deserve a huge amount of credit for your efforts.

[SparklyUnicorn]

And BTW, what is wrong with feministic rants?

 

 

[gardenmom5]

 

 

My mom loves to brag about her engineer SIL.  She tried for years to get me to go full time teaching (instead of the part time subbing I do) so I'd have a real job.  I have no interest in full time.  I love what I do and I love the flexibility/freedom of it.  

 

one of 1ds favorite teachers was a part-time substitute.  he loved the flexibility.  his wife worked a regular schedule.  the kids asked for this guy when they knew they'd need a sub.  he worked exactly as many hours as he wanted to - because kids at other schools asked for him too.

[creekland]

one of 1ds favorite teachers was a part-time substitute.  he loved the flexibility.  his wife worked a regular schedule.  the kids asked for this guy when they knew they'd need a sub.  he worked exactly as many hours as he wanted to - because kids at other schools asked for him too.

 

I only work at one school - yet I could work every day if I wanted to due to requests and the kids wonder why I'm not full time as a teacher.  I have a standing job offer if I ever want it.

 

I tell them the truth.  I'm WAY too lazy to work full time.   :lol:   They also get that I couldn't spend the whole month of Feb in the Bahamas (or elsewhere) if I were full time...

 

Hubby works from home (even as an engineer).  His home can also be in the Bahamas in Feb since Skype and the Internet are such wonderful pieces of technology.  It would be impossible as a full time teacher though.

[Bluegoat]

I wonder if part of the issue with your dad is just that he can't imagine that that kind of business can actually make that much money - I think for some people the possibilities of internet businesses are still kind of shocking.  I wouldn't worry about him being perpetually amazed about that.  And he may well realize that it is important money to your family, but if you feel like he doesn't, maybe just say - "yes, it is a nice bit of change, and it is actually a pretty important part of our family income."  I bet he'll get the point.

 

Your sister might just need to grow up.  I think I would be inclined to pointedly ask her why it is she thinks only paid work adds value - would you be really working if the kids you look after were a home daycre, the house you took care of someone elses who paid you, the kids you taught other people's?  It's a pretty naive statement she is making.

 

But - typical for our society, which really does seem to believe that only paid work really counts.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

BTDT.  I work from home running the family business, homeschooling two bright kids with learning challenges and taking care of all personal finances and housework.  I get paid a bit from investments as well as the family business.  The income doesn't seem to be the big hang up.  As soon as I started working from home attitudes among friends and family changed pretty significantly.  I work harder now than I ever have.  It is irrelevant.  

 

 

Ask your sister to take over your duties for one day.  Make it a dare.  Give her a list of everything that needs to be accomplished, including all the child care.   Set up hidden cameras to record the day.  Then have her write a review.  You could watch and rewatch.  It might keep you laughing for years.   :lol:

[Word Nerd]

How frustrating. It doesn't sound like they'll ever get it or respect it, as they have set ideas about what constitutes "real" work. I'd state your position firmly and unapologetically, then change the subject and not discuss it with them again when they bring it up.

[MercyA]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this!  It sounds very aggravating.

 

 

 

If it makes you feel any better, my DH is a tenured professor at a well-regarded university,with a long list of publications and accomplishments to his name.  Despite YEARS of conversations about this, my ILs -- who are wonderful, by the way -- simply cannot seem to believe that he works when classes are not in session. Here is, verbatim, a conversation I had with my MIL just yesterday afternoon.  This is at about 2pm on a July Friday.

 

[blah blah blah conversation]

MIL: So where is [DH]?

ME: At work.

MIL: [perplexed] Work?

ME:  Yes, work.

MIL: [Pauses to think about this]

 

 

OMG, yes!  My husband is also a professor.  Same deal, except it's not just family, but everybody who knows us (except his colleagues, of course). 

 

They also have this crazy idea that he makes a lot more money than he ever has, because he's a professor, right?  The locals think that the university professors are rolling in money and have all kinds of privileges they don't have, plus summers and winters off.  :lol:

 

 

 

[Garga]

There's a line in While you were Sleeping.

 

The romantic lead in the story wants to do carpentry for a living and not do the family business. He shows his dad some rocking chairs he's made. The dad says, "That's a good side business." The man says, "That's a good BUSiness."

 

When they say, "That's nice pocket money." You can say, "That's nice we-don't-lose-our-house money. Without that income we'd be on the street."

[Anne in CA]

The thing with your dad and sister DOES sound like a lack of respect. I think it sounds like a family dynamic they don't want to change. I would be firm with both of them that you deserve respect. My family all thinks I work too much, and I do, actually, but their harping on it is starting to drive me nuts.

[Wildcat]

Ugh. I'm sorry your family doesn't respect your job.

 

Your dad is your dad and parents can be hard.

 

Your sister, though? It sounds to me like she is complaining about getting up to play with horses while you run a small business from home in addition to homeschooling your kids. :sneaky2:  ;)

 

 

[Professormom]

I am a bit peevish this morning:-), so I was thinking this. When she makes her comments up to and including, "then you will know what real work is" just say, "aw, honey, I can tell you needed to get that off your chest. Do you feel better now?" While saying this, make sure to pat her on the back condescendingly and look at her in pity. Then, watch her explode in confusion. Now I need an emoticon for mischievous grin;-)

 

Seriously, if you have explained once and they don't get it, you may just need to do a lot of subject changes. But, know in your heart you are doing something incredibly valuable, both your job and homeschooling. It is totally human to want the people we love to validate us. Sometimes, though, they just don't. This isn't on you... Just speaks to who they are at this point in time. I am sorry you are struggling. ((hugs))

[redsquirrel]

Rant away, feminist or not. And you certainly wouldn't have to apologize if it were a feminist rant. I am sorry your labor isn't valued. You work hard, you have made difficult adjustments to your expectations, you and your dh have weathered a difficult storm, and because of YOU, your family has thrived.

 

There is actually a really good book about this by Elizabeth Warren, called 'The Two Income Trap' where she says that SAHM  or working part time moms are like an amazing safety net for their families. Your labor, your time is a safety net. By living on one salary earlier, you were kept 'in reserve' in case your family had a crisis. Well, the crisis came and you stepped up. You should be so proud!  I am not sure I would know how to create a business out of nothing but a good idea...no, scratch that..I know I don't.

 

You are a great role model for your kids and I hope they ask you how you did it, because you have a lot of knowledge to share.

 

You are a great role model for women! I hope someday things slow down enough for you that you have the time to teach others how to do what you have done, because it important.

 

Your dad..well... next time he asks how much you bring in tell him 'same as last time you asked, dad.'  Always say that first to remind him that he keeps asking. It might 'help' him remember.

 

Your sister has her head up her ass, there is no other way to say that.  I say that she doesn't have a real job because she plays with horses all day. I mean, its necessary but not really something done by a grown woman as a career.  Isn't it more of a summer job for teenagers? (that is not my actual opinion, I am just pointing out the insanity of what she is saying)  So, my dh, who oversees a budget of 20 million (it's not his, lol) and a department of 30 doesn't have real job?  She is actively trying to not see you as an equal.

 

I wish someone would take her aside and tell her that it would be so much nicer if the two of you could support each other in your different lives instead of her tearing you down. It is possible for BOTH of you to be successful in your jobs. Your success doesn't minimize hers.

 

[goldberry]

For years I have worked two part time jobs while homeschooling.  One outside the home, one inside the home.  The one from home makes me about 3 TIMES what the outside one makes. And yet, the outside one is what everyone remembers and mentions, "Oh, you still working at so-and-so?"  

 

It's strange, but there is something about working from home that people don't quite get.  Much the same as them not getting that people homeschooling can't just drop everything in the middle of the week to do whatever.  It's a perception issue that I don't quite understand.

 

But rest assured, those of us working from home and homeschooling TOTALLY understand!   :thumbup1:

[Lisbeth]

Ugh, sorry.  I'd just abruptly change the subject without answering.  Over and over.  It would be that or I'd snap with a sarcastic comeback at the comments because that would irritate me to no end.

 

Living well is the best revenge!  Just keep earning your "pocket money"  and enjoying the real money that you know it is.

[AmyontheFarm]

abba12 - thank you for venting.   Apparently, many of us needed that! :)

 

Here's my vent:

22 years of being married to a dairy farmer.  Cows must be milked twice a day 12 hours apart, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  We milk at 5:30AM and 5:30pm.  This doesn't change.  We arranged our wedding around milking times.  Any big event around milking times.  Heck my foolish FIL wouldn't tell anyone he was having a heart attack until milking was done that morning. (yes, he was stupid to do this)

 

My family attempts to plan every single family dinner for 5pm at a house 45 mins away from our house.  I've started to not bother saying anything other than to send my regrets.  Now I'm getting "labeled" anti-social and told I need to try harder to see my family.  People this is how I feed my family and pay my bills get with the program!!!! 

[NorthwestMom]

((abba12)) I love the support you are getting here! All of these posters are absolutely right.

 

I just have one more thought, from my experience with DH and his crazy family.  Maybe the pain is not only because they don't respect your work. Maybe the pain is also because the don't see the real you. They have made some value judgments on parts of your life, and they don't perceive what is really going on, and then they minimize your need for respect, support, and value while implying you fall short. They only see what they've decided to see, not what's there. That's crazy and it's all on them. It sound like you are doing an amazing job emotionally, mentally, and financially supporting your family. You are a rock star.

[Catwoman]

I started "liking" the posts in this thread but it looks like I'm out of likes for the moment... and as it turns out, I want to like every single post here. :)

 

Abba, I am so sorry you aren't getting the respect you deserve, but I think part of it is because you are being too nice about it. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell your sister that she doesn't have a clue, and that she is so lucky to have a job that only involves some physical labor, and at the end of the day she can just go home and relax. Life as a mother, a small business owner, and a homeschool teacher is a 24/7 high stress occupation -- she has no idea how much harder you work than she does! And when you add your disability and and the fact that your dh is no longer able to fully support the family... well... your sister should be ashamed of herself for making such snotty comments.

 

Are you sure your sister isn't envious of you? Some people criticize others to make themselves feel better, when they think another person has a happier life than they do. Could she be trying to make herself seem more important because in reality, she feels inferior to you? Maybe the only thing she has in her life that makes her feel superior to you is her job, and she is insecure because you had the initiative to actually start your own business and do well at it. Is she a competitive person?

 

As far as your dad goes, I think you should tell him that his comments are hurting your feelings and that you don't understand why he seems to keep belittling and minimizing your success instead of being proud of you for finding a way to help support your family from home, while you still manage to take care of all of the household and kid-related responsibilities. Doesn't your dad realize that you are running a real business? Maybe you could show him how much work and recordkeeping and organizing you have to do every day? He may just think you list a few things on eBay, people buy them, and you toss them in a box and mail them, and poof... easy money. (Except that it's NOT!!!)

[HeWillSoar]

I wonder if your sister is jealous of your life so she feels the need to try and make herself look better by tearing you down. 

[zoobie]

They're being disrespectful and rude. Bean dip the heck out of them!

[LucyStoner]

They're being disrespectful and rude. Bean dip the heck out of them!

I really imagined this pass the bean dip advice to be more like tarring and feathering.

 

Cover them completely in bean dip and then drop them in a bunch of feathers.

[leeannpal]

My father still makes little digs at me at times for being a teacher. I work as a middle school English teacher ina school. and he still believe the very untrue old adage, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."

[City Mouse]

I have found that relatives like that will always find something to criticize you for. If you went out and got a "regular" job, they would just find something else to talk about.

[elegantlion]

I'm a student and I don't think my parents really understand how many hours of work I do outside of class.

[abba12]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It makes me feel better that there are some people who see it! I want to respond to individual comments but there's so many, so just let me say I truly appreciate the encouraging comments, I haven't had much time to feel 'proud' of my accomplishments in all this. I never thought much about setting up a business being an accomplishment in itself, at his peak my dad had 3 home-run businesses and a retail store connected to two of them that mum ran the front counter of, so I suppose entrepreneurship is something I simply grew up with and learned by observation, finding a home business to start was the obvious option for me when DH was diagnosed and fired. But apparently I've taken that skill for granted judging by the comments here... It's just been such an exhausting year mentally, so thank you all for your kind words.

 

When my husband was diagnosed with a medical condition last year, our world was turned upside down. Knowing now that the medical condition will prevent him from working full time while maintaining the home life we want for our children, and so working part time is likely the 'new normal' for us, is scary. I'm actually in the process of expanding my business onto a standalone website, and there's a certain 'permenancy' to this which is bothering me, I'll probably (hopefully?)  be working part time for a long time to come, with the distinct possibility of adding more hours with the new avenues I'm opening up, and a part of me is struggling to accept that. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just.... it's not what I'd planned, it's not how I imagined things, and even though it allows my husband to be more involved in 'my' responsibilities, teaching and primary parenting, I still wonder if I'm spreading myself too thin for my children. I'm not the mother I dreamed of being, but, they do have the kind of father I never dreamed of them having, who happily picks up a lot of that slack, so I suppose it evens itself out. Maybe I don't do art or outside games with them, but he does, and in some ways maybe that's even better. 

 

A poster above said that part of the reason it hurts is because they don't see the real me, they see what they have decided to see, and that hits the nail on the head.  My family know very little about the 'real' me as it is, I'm unable to talk to them about my mental health issues due to the circumstances surrounding them. My dad still thinks I am the same person I was when I left home. As an 18 year old I was disorganized and a hoarder. No matter what I do to prove otherwise, he STILL believes I am disorganized and a hoarder (in reality, living out of a suitcase for 6 months cured me of hoarding, and I was never disorganized, just mentally unwell without him knowing. I'm actually borderline OCD, formally recognized by a past psychologist)

 

My sister is competitive and has always looked down on me for various reasons. We fought like cats and dogs as kids. But, in the past year she has really grown up a LOT, which I think is why her comment hurt so much. Before, it would just roll off like all her other comments, but now she has changed, and she still thinks that...  I dunno, it bugged me. My dad knows what I do because he lived with us for two weeks earlier in the year, he sat and watched me spend the night photographing clothes, and twice took big bags of mail to the postbox for me (along with comments of 'wow, you actually sold this much?'). He constantly talks about how proud he is of my siblings, but rarely talks about me. I don't know, maybe he's bragging about me behind my back (he was never the type to say 'I'm proud of you, I love you' to your face) Or maybe I'm just a disappointment. Or maybe he sees too much of himself in me. Of all my siblings, I am the most like him, the entrepreneur, the one juggling 5 things at once, the creative one who finds ways to make things work outside the box. The one who 'just does it'. But I suppose along with those positive traits he sees negative ones, instability, never being just 'comfortable', always having to actively find ways to stay competitive and put time into building things, taking risks, unpredictable time investments. My sisters job is predictable and stable, maybe he is glad she wont go through the struggles he did, without seeing she will have her own struggles. 

 

Yet, whenever there is family/financial matters to discuss (he and partner 'broke up' for a week and he needed somewhere to stay, elderly relatives needing care, the financial realities of bringing my brother home from my mother and her abusive boyfriend in the middle of nowehere) it's me and my husband he turns to, not my sister. He must respect something we are doing, not that he would ever say it. I don't know, he's not very good at expressing himself.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say, I'm just rambling on. I guess I just needed to hear that SOMEONE thought I was doing a good job, since no one in real life seems to (except my husband, and my best friend, who have been overly encouraging to try make up the slack lol, it's very sweet of them). I'm not usually in insecure person, It's just been a very hard, and somewhat thankless, year. 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

Perhaps your sister is a "one upper" . You know , the person who always has to do one better with everyone else.

 

"Your headache lasted all day? Last week, my headache lasted for four days straight!"

 

it's like they make everything, even misery a competition.

[Tsuga]

I am sorry.

 

I don't know how internet retail could not be considered work.

 

I also don't get how anyone could not believe you are not making a living running a store.

 

Some people are clueless in some ways. I am sorry that includes your family wrt your work.

 

I work two jobs and neither requires me to do anything with horses, paddocks, or even mud. I guess I'm not working right there with you. :) hth

[Tsuga]

Also... I would say you are a WAHM. Not that it is an important distinction as SAHMs create a lot of value for their families, but you're running a store! You are managing self-employment and entrepreneurship and minding kids. I have done that. It was the hardest job ever and I have cleaned toilets, laid bricks, managed offices, you name it. Please do not doubt your own awesomeness.

 

Also, resellers allowed me to dress my kids much better than I could have otherwise, as I had a hard time getting to the thrift shop for those years. Your work is valuable.

[Mimm]

I really imagined this pass the bean dip advice to be more like tarring and feathering.

 

Cover them completely in bean dip and then drop them in a bunch of feathers.

 

Sometimes passing the bean dip isn't enough. You need to chuck it at their head.

 

Who gets to decide what "real work" is? Is a writer who writes a best selling novel from home in their pajamas doing real work? How about someone waiting tables for two shifts a week in the evenings? How about a personal trainer teaching a zumba class? An art teacher doing pottery classes down at the local art museum a few hours a week? There's all kinds of work. Some of it's fun, some of it's part time, some of it's at odd hours, and it happens in all kinds of locations. I'm at a loss as to what makes something "not real work".

[poppy]

I would jot describe myself as a SAHM of I were you. You run a small business . WAHM, business owner or Entrepenuer.